kamurj

I agree with the guy above. I just recently broke up (ok got dumped) and was devasted because we both just graduated from grad school and it appeared (at least to me) that we were going to make the next step. For the most part I respected her decision and did not attempt to contact her. However, after two weeks I broke down and wrote her a long letter explaining how I felt (we never had a chance to complete our break up because I was a wreck and asked her to leave). So, in one sense it was good to get everything off my chest. But, on the other hand it may have displayed desperation, vulnerability and neededness - the key ingredients to not winning her back. She wasnt exactly jumping back into my arms. I got the friend treatment as well, which admittedly sucks. So, my advice - and I am trying to use it as well - is to accept that she is over you. period. try picturing her acting as your old friend the last time you dropped by. you should feel angry inside. Its good. Its a sign that you are accepting it which is how you heal. It will get easier - read this again in three weeks and see if you havent inched a few steps further in your recovery. Are you eating again? Now, once you have moved on in your mind and are accepting the breakup - then f she does come back you'll be of more sound mind and spirit to discuss a reconciliation. In my previous relationships, the ones that were rushed back by one party or the other, did not solve the underlying problem and we ended up breaking up sjortly thereafter. The relationships were there was substantial time - say 3 months or more apart where we were both dating new people worked better when we reconciled. I can't explain why but only say just GO WITH THE FLOW, and dont force it. Forcing it will force her away for good. How can she miss you if you are always around. Create a sense of mystery about what you are doing - and dont contact her friends or ask about her as well. You most likely will not like what you hear. And if she comes back great, but in the meantime enjoy the time for yourself and who knows someone better may come along for you. GO RENT THE MOVIE SWINGERS TONIGHT to see what I mean. I know Hollywood is Hollywood but at least you'll feel a little better for two hours... Best of luck either way, because I know how it feels to have a candle up on the mantle. In the long run just know you'll be very happy and find love. It just isnt that obvious to you right now... -B

My Story: My High Scool sweetheart & I were together for 3 years. She went to University & moved out on her on while I was still living at home & finishing my credits. We broke up (ok, she dumped me) I remember longing for her, dropping things off on her door, trying to follow her home from work... basically one step away from a stalker! She later moved in with someone else, and I concentrated on College. A few years later we happened to meet at a party. A couple months later we bumped into each other again. Soon we were talking on the phone, and meeting for coffee. Eventually she left her boyfriend, and we went away for a weekend. The next thing you know... We're now happily married. My advice is, if it's right, it can happen. Don't force it.

Hey Nibs, You are going to be a mommy! Focus your energies on the life you are bringing into the world, instead of wasting them on your ex. He has walked away from you twice, yet you keep crawling back to him. You are giving him all the power. STOP! Remember you are not alone, there is somebody inside you. Keep thinking positive, and instead of calling your ex call a family member, a friend, a loved one. Call the people who are your family. One day when he wises up he will want to see you and the baby. When that day comes he may have matured, and you both might realize you were meant to be together. Or you may realize how glad you were to not have him around. Time flies, your baby will be going to school before you know it. These feelings, this heartache will pass. I wish the best for you and your child. B Positive

Dear Restless, I just posted this in another forum but it applies to you as well: If you are thinking about a threesome the first step is to talk to your husband. Then talk, talk, talk some more. Discuss your fantasies, your feelings and your fears. Work out every possible sceneario, and how you think you might react. Then work on the rules. The rules may change over time, but they should not change before the end of the night. Make sure that the end goal for both of you is to be a happy, contented couple the next morning. If you decided together that you were only go so far, don't change your mind. You can always go further on another day. A good first step would be to look for a local swingers club. These are usually just places for couples thinking about playing with other couples to meet. The rule in the clubs is usually no means no, and everyone respects that. We've had lots of fun at swingers dances because you can touch your partner wherever you want, and we get a thrill knowing others are watching us and veing turned on. But we always go home alone. (we did meet someone from a dance once... but that's another story) What happens if you try it, and you want to continue to see this woman? What happens if your husband wants to continue to see this woman? What happens if ... You need to talk to your husband, talk, talk talk... before you try anything. - what happens to a marriage after - are you always second guessing Second guessing what? If the relationship is solid and you have talked yourselves to death, you should know his every fantasy, and that he loves you and is thrilled you are helping him to fulfill this fantasy. Everytime you see that dreamy look in his eye, you shouldn't be worried that he is thinking of someone else, but secure in the knowledge that he has the best woman on earth! - I want to explore having sex with another woman and think it would excite me to see her getting both my husband and I excited Okay.... sounds good... are you sure SHE wants to explore sex with another woman? My wife is not Bi, but she has had an experience with another woman. It was mostly acting, but let me tell you, I thank her for her performance every night! - is it a benefit to have her from another culture Benefiting who? You? Because what, her skin is a different color? So that your man can tell you both apart? If you are worried about that, it's time for more talking! What happens if that is a turn-on for him, and he decides once you go black... - is the experience worth it Is it worth ruining your marriage? No, nothing is worth that. But if you are doing this together, as a couple and have talked to each other, it can bring you closer. It is something my wife and I have done together that no one knows about. Our little sexy secret. It is one more reason to watch your weight and look after yourself, you never know who may see you naked! When I think of those nights I think of the things we did together, and fantasize about the touching and the caressing. For us we have decided that intercourse just raises too many issues and problems. We focus on having a nice time, and being happy the next day. *** Downer Alert *** Re-reading your post does give me some doubts: "Recently, while on business, he made a friend and has been corresponding with her. They like each other and have shared feelings through e-mail. I learned about their feelings by accident, we argued then I came to the realization that their conversations about work, culture and sharing each others everyday life makes them both happy. She lives in another country. I have seen pictures of this woman, she is attractive and is very attracted to my husband. " Basically he started a relationship while away from home, secretly continuing this relationship behind your back. This is not the basis of something you do together. Hopefully you two have discussed his long distance relationship at length. I don't mean to piss on your parade, but I can't stress how big a role communication plays. Keep talking. Hopefully this answer makes up for the missing 91! Good luck.

If you are thinking about a threesome the first step is to talk to your husband. Then talk some more. Discuss your fantasies, your feelings and your fears. Work out every possible sceneario, and how you think you might react. Then work on the rules. The rules may change over time, but they should not change before the end of the night. Make sure that the end goal for both of you is to be a happy, contented couple the next morning. If you decided together that you were only go so far, don't change your mind. You can always go further on another day. A good first step would be to look for a local swingers club. These are usually just places for couples thinking about playing with other couples to meet. The rule in the clubs is usually no means no, and everyone respects that. We've had lots of fun at swingers dances because you can touch your partner wherever you want, and we get a thrill knowing others are watching us and veing turned on. But we always go home alone. (we did meet someone from a dance once... but that's another story) "How do other married couples have a relationship after the three some?" That depends on the couple. Some couples are soft swing, meaning no intercourse but lots of touching. Some couples want a one night stand, and can only handle it if the 3rd person is never seen again. Others like long term relationships, and become friends. What happens if you try it, and you want to continue to see this woman? What happens if your husband wants to continue to see this woman? What happens if ... You need to talk to your husband, talk, talk talk... before you try anything. Good Luck!

Oops. I thought polygamists were people who had more than one relationship at a time. I've been talking to several of my lesbian friends about this very issue and they believe it's all about hormones. (ex women together doesn't produce the right combination of hormones) They too have been in relationships with females for several years/months and have been thinking about being with a man. Until I talked to them about it, I was starting to believe it WAS bisexuality. I have a question for you now... do you think it would be different if you your girlfriend desired to be with another male? That's not the best example, but I think my girlfriend feels a bit more threatened being that I have desires to be with a male - which is much more accepted etc. than our relationship.

I've been thinking a lot about this and I think I've realized that it's NOT just sex. It has been with just one guy, but I do think about him more than just in sexual ways. So maybe this REALLY is an affair and I was trying to make it seem less harmful by thinking of it as just sex. Ahhh.... I seriously AM in deep. I don't want to break up with her because I love her and I love our life together. However, I don't think I could remain with her if I wasn't receiving affection/attention from him either. And to think I've been against polygamists for so long.

Thanks so much for your response! I know I need to be honest with her, but... I already know she wouldn't agree to such an "arrangement". She wants us to be completely monogamous and emotionally we are, just not physically. About being safe... I wish I could say I HAVE been completely safe, but it's been with the same guy each time and I know he's safe. Unlike me, he has no others. (and yes, I know for sure) I've just started seeing a therapist as well as relationship counseling... so hopefully I'll be able to "clear the air" shortly. Thanks again.

Unfortunately the excitement of sex seems to leave most relationships at one time or another. For me, it's typically after I've been with my partner for over a year, or if I'm losing interest in them. I became disinterested in sex with a guy that I dated 8 months into our relationship. We broke up, I tried dating other people, but ended up right back in his arms. What's my point? I don't have an answer, but DO suggest talking to your wife and find out what her TRUE reasons are for losing interest in sex. Try to not be defensive although she might tell you things you're not prepared to hear... but I believe that's just what you two need - communication. Best of luck!

I'm bisexual and am in a very serious relationship with a woman, but have urges/cravings to have sex with guys and I've given in several times I love my girlfriend to death and she knows of one time that I've cheated on her, but I can't seem to stop. I don't want to give up our beautiful relationship, but I'm not sure if the straight girl inside of me will allow myself to remain faithful. I soooo want my cake and eat it too...

my friend - let me share with you an experience that i had - i met a girl 10 years ago - after i got out of the army - we dated - broke up - and remained friends - she was in a couple very serious relationships - engaged once or twice - as was i - 8 years into our friendship we decided to make a go at it again ourselves - mind you i was about 27 and she was 25 - we went full blown into our relationship and was engaged 2 months into it - however, life caught up with us and ended up breaking up 15 months later - here is how that went down - she went to hawaii - called me 3 days into her trip and told me she had met someone and that it was over....imagine how i felt - yep - like shit - i chased this girl - did all the stupid stuff that guys do when they get dumped - well, i stopped calling - started to move on - and guess who came running - YEP!!! four months later here comes the ex - and guess what - we got back together - go engaged again - this time she even bought the dress - had it all planned - $1000 for a trolley - go figure - well, guess what - 6 months later - she called me and dumped me again - twice in one lifetime is way toooo much - so, guess what i have been doing for the last two months - that's right - trying to move on with my life - set up for failure not once - but twice - i took her back - trusted her - and she did it again - and believe me when i say i did everything right - so, you see my friend - i love this woman with all my heart - but, do you think that i would do it a 3rd time - believe me - even i am not that dumb -so, my advice is this - take some time - take care of yourself - and then - when the time comes (if it comes) work out the problems before you jump right back in - talk with her - find out what went wrong - and decide if you can fix the problems and guess what - the problems aren't all you - they are her too - she has to want to fix herself too.... good luck my friend!!

why are you guys so blind to see that these stupid, useless porn sites/ magazines etc. are breaking up marriages and destroying relationships. It's disgusting.

What I suggest is for you to work on yourself. Clean up your life. Gain your self respect back. Put a smile on your face. Exercise. Do something positive. Show her how strong you are even without her by her side. This is very attractive...... The other man seems attractive but she is caught up in the emotions...believe me I have been there. Let her go. Go out with someone else. Still be nice to her and support her but let her know that you are still somebody worth having. If you do this, I swear if she loved you....she will notice. I am not sure where this will lead but you are not losing in the end....your life will be turned around for the positive!!

Him being more open about looking at porn will not change your sex life because he obviously prefers porn to you. Take a look at the women he's looking at and then take a look at yourself. Have you let yourself go? Are you fat? Why wouldn't he prefer to look at the good looking babes in porn?

I bet you're a frigid bitch who won't do anal and doesn't like the taste of cum along with being fat and ugly. Take a good look at yourself and start working on your appearance then maybe your husband might be able to have sex with you without having to imagine he's having sex with someone else. The women in porn have those bodies because they work out and have surgery. Why can't you do the same? I think your husband is better off without you afterall he can always buy sex with a woman for a small price. How are you ever going to find a guy who'll want to have sex with you if you're as unattractive as I think you are? You'd be surprised to know how many men would swap their wife for a porn star anyday.

If you love her, do not abandon her. Explain what you feel without blaming her and ask her to go with you to couple therapy. Be firm but loving. You need to work on this, it is important for you and so you need it to be important for her too.

It's amazing how women have this capability of walking away with somebody else and replacing one person with another. I thought only us men could do that, and when I did it, I still had a lot of feelings for the ex-person and it was not really a fast transition. But my GF she just switched in one week and it is as if I never existed. I cannot seem to tap into her missing me, as if 6 months had passed or someting like that. Very strange. I have this fantasy that she left me for her boss to get even at me (I had an affair 1 year ago exactly) and that she will come back in two months... Girls, any advice?

if you think that she still loves you, then try to solve the problem out. if she doesn't, the best way is to let her go. i know how much it hurts to let somebody go. i just did two weeks ago. still now, there pain inside me. good luck to you.

wat'z up? don't be down. my gf just broke up with me and went for another man, who is our friend. that's a b**t. i know how you feel, 'cause that's what i'm feeling inside right now. hurts like crazy. but nothing you can do about it. since it's summer, i don't even have summer school and no job, so staying home is CRAZZZYYY, missing and thinking all these things keep poping up in my mind and the pain in my chest ... gosh ... so don't feel to low my friend, you're not the only one. Try to read as much as possible. I just found this website a few hour ago. Now i'm almost everywhere, reading all the sad news from everybody. It helps a lot. And i think if you write your feelings down, it will relax you. I did and i save the file somewhere. Good Luck!!! CHEER!!! something to share ...!!!

b12522, good point; my gf broke up with me two weeks ago, 'cause she dating somebody else. I told her that i will be there for her and she's down. And i still love her and miss her a lot; if sometime in the future, she really hurts herself, for sure i'll be there to bring the smile back to her; but should i get together with her or not? Should i listen to my heart or my mind? What do you think? Anybody ever had a problem like i do right now and got back with your gf after she got hurted by another man? Will you come back to her? If i still love her, should i come back? And if i do not love her, should i come back? Just want some advise for my future. Thanks ... CHEER!!!

hi guys, what is there to say? my girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago and go with one of my friend. I don't know what to say or what to do. I'm sad and miss her like hell. The thing is; she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Can you all believe that? After two years of staying together spending good and bad time. And now everything is gone like dust blown away. After i read all of you guys messages, i think i should stop bothering her. Most of you have great points. Thanks. I didn't know that i'm the only one who is sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean right now. To everybody, i wish you all luck and to myself too. JK let her go, if you two are meant together, then one day she will come back to you. That's what i told my girlfriend 2. Cheer!!!

Hi this is the same guy as before. I can't believe that I didn't think of this before. Do you have a doctor or are you still covered under your pasrents insurance? You don't have to answer to that, its just to get your self to think. If so just talk to the doctor at the next appointment thats the easiest and best way to get correct information about that. Another thing is that you might be able to just call in and ask someone at the office. Just ask if there is someone that you can talk to about some personal problems over the phone in private or something.

Hi JK. I think I know what you are going through. I am in a similar position. My beloved GF suddenly dumped me and is dating her boss. It is a good moment to think about what has happened during the length of your relationship. Perhaps you can write a letter, even if you will not send it, it will help you collect your thoughts and feelings and be calm. I agree with most of the advice, let her take the distance and time she needs, you must respect that, even if you think she is making a mistake. After a few weeks, interesting things can happen: (1) she can miss you and make contact, perhaps with a clearer feeling of what she wants, and (2) you can feel a new, deep kind of love that can only be felt when you really let go. Perhaps you will be together again, perhaps not, but don't pressure.

Well I don't have an answer to your question but I'd like to hear what the ansewr is too.