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kamurj

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Everything posted by kamurj

  1. kamurj
    Hi Smiles- Somhow, I don't think you are smiling too much these days. Sorry. You were young when you met your ex. He was your first. This is the hardest love to get over, the one we never forget. But, we move on. You say you have been trying to get closure with no contact, etc. However, I get the sense you are still hanging on. (ie) you think about him and this other girl and wonder... Letting go is a process. It's active and deliberate. You need support, positive people, time to heal and work through your anger and to get busy on yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Make plans and get involved with meaningful leisure activities. You are probably not ready to dive into a new relationship, but can certainly go out with friends, both male and female. I don't know if you need it or not, but counseling may help. You went along with this relationship for a long time. Figuring out why and never letting it happen again would be a useful thing for you to work on. Like many many people before you, you will recover and move on. Good luck, Toni C.
  2. kamurj
    Hi ravens_folly- Your boyfriend broke up with you 5 months ago. It's very painful and you clearly feel there are things you want to say that you want him to hear. Yet, when you so much as get physically near him or his friends, he becomes angry. He is clearly saying it is over for him, regardless of what you want to say. He is also communicating that he wants no contact. So, where does this leave you? The plain truth is that you cannot control his anger or defensiveness. It wouldn't matter HOW or WHAT you say, he refuses to hear it. This leaves you with finding some closure without his help. You have choices here. You can send him a letter. But again, you have no control over how he responds to it, regardless of how you say what you want to say. If you send one, speak from the heart. Be honest, but avoid blaming statements. Just put your feelings down without attack or name-calling, etc. He may read it. That leaves you with the knowledge that he did "hear it". However, don't set yourself up to believe it will change his feelings about you or what happened. Only he can do this, if he ever chooses to. This is very hard, but you only have so much control. It's over how you deal with what you have been handed and move on from there. Good luck, Toni C.
  3. kamurj
    Hi Caveat- When you and your ex met, she was only 19 and struggling along (seemingly very alone) in her life. You were the older, stable, caring and supportive man in her life (father figure?) She was most likely attracted to your strength, stability and success, among other things. You were a kind of rescuer for her. As she grew (with a lot of help from you), she began to take on the characteristics she yearned for- greater independence, individual strength and stability) She appears to have done a lot of growing. Unfortunately, she may have been moving in a very different direction from you. Now, she appears to be going through a normal stage of spreading her wings and experiencing the world, and new people. She has a new freedom to do this, as she has many more resources now. You haven't heard from her since your "ultimatum". My guess is that it's because she's moved on. If you decide to contact her, expect this. Also be clear on what your goals are in contacting her. You can put your feelings right out there and let her know what you want- which is always best. But you need to be prepared to deal with what she will say/do in response. Good luck, Toni C.
  4. kamurj
    Hi Losing hope- You and your ex had a relationship that was characterized by breaking up, due (according to him) because of all that was wrong with you- (ie) too clingy, smothering, not trusting). He apparently tried to end things on a number of occasions, but you pushed to get back together. I know this is painful, but it appears that you are avoiding the truth, which prolongs the agony you are now in. He has been saying, for some time now, that he doesn't want the relationship. How he has gone about this could use some work, but the bottom line is- you are not the one for him. This does not mean that you are not the right one for somebody- just not him. No, I don't think he will change his mind. He may attempt contact, but this is actually unfair to you as it sends out a mixed signal. It would be a good idea for you to tell him just that, and not have any contact until you've done some healing. Good luck, Toni C.
  5. kamurj
    Hi Charlua- You're a lover of poetry! It does give expression to those feelings that can be so hard to put into words (ie) love, despair, joy, etc. I think some things can be put back together. It all depends on how strong the glue is that will be used to hold them. If it is weak, so will the relationship be. But if two people are sorry, open, and ABLE to forgive and move on - anything is possible. It all depends. Hope this helps, Toni Coleman
  6. kamurj
    Hi Carter- You're welcome. You have come through a trauma. It was a long term relationship that ended without warning (for you) and right after Christmas, no less. You appear to be trying to get on with things and that is good. However, I get the sense that you haven't closed that chapter and it is getting in the way of you moving on. If you can't talk things through with her to better understand what went wrong, then spend some time thinking about how the relationship REALLY was. The good and BAD. One defense mechanism that is commonly used is to remember a lost relationship as ideal. It's easier to see it in this light (in one respect). Yet, it is also not realistic and keeps us from seeing what what was not good and learning from this. This will also help you to move away from the notion that you can never have someone like this again- a relationship that was so right. If it was, why did it suddenly disappear? Which leads me to my final point. If you believe it was perfect and YOU blew it, you will be terrified (on some level) to risk involvement again, for fear of this same kind of loss. So, no one will be good enough and you won't allow yourself to get close. So, spend some time looking back and remembering. Be honest with yourself about what you see. Then give yourself the time you need to be ok with yourself and this loss. Hope this helps, Toni Coleman
  7. kamurj
    Note eNotAloners lets try to be short, sweet and to the point please! Summarize your questions in 2-3 paragraphs without referring to your other topics. You can do it!
  8. kamurj
    Hi Makaw- What a great question. I've actually been impressed with all the questions coming in. You say that it's been 4.5 months and you are accepting the loss of this relationship. I disagree. It really has been a VERY short time- even though it probably seems like an eternity. The process of greiving has stages- which you are probably at least a little familiar with. Know the hardest one to get through? You guessed it- ANGER. I think you are there now. It will take time, support and some action on your part. You are not only angry with him- but with yourself. There's an old expression that the "hardest person to forgive is ourself". This is so true. You should try writing a letter to him, detailing all your feelings. Don't mail it- just get it all out. Also, spend time with supportive, positive friends. Lastly, consider doing some reading about the grief process. There is much written about it that could be useful. As hard as this has been, if you learn from it, you will take that experience into your next relationship. This will benefit you in ways you can't yet imagine. Hope this helps, Toni C.
  9. kamurj
    Hello nighlt234- Let me begin by saying you should never feel you have to apologize for crying. In fact, I think guys who can admit to this have a lot of guts. So, you had a relationship that seemed to be going well and yet there seemed to be some problem that she really wasn't sharing. Then she announces she wants to be friends. Had she shared her feelings earlier, you would have probably seen this coming. It's unfortunate that she was unable to do this- for your sake as well as hers. Compounding this is her statement that she wants to be friends. That's what SHE wants. However, she has not asked you what you want, even though you did open up with her- GOOD FOR YOU. Now, she is upset that you won't just go along with her desire, regardless of what it will do to you. You are not "running", you are choosing what is best for you. My advice, put your own needs first here. You sound like a fairly insightful guy who works hard to have open and healthy communication with the women you date. However, she is not there- at least not yet. My advice- Do what you need to do. If no contact works for you, then that is what is best. Spend time with friends and stay busy. You will get over this in time and the next woman could very well be the one. Hope this helps, Toni C.
  10. kamurj
    Hi Rosa- You began your posting with saying your ex was in a relationship with a woman that he left- for you. I'm seeing a pattern here. Does he have other exes he left this way? He is exciting, intense, fun to be with, and makes you feel a certain way. Definitely, there was some strong chemistry between you two. But he was unable to really share his feelings about the problems you two were having. He ended the relationship abruptly and moved quickly to someone else. I suggest you think about what most attracted you to him, and why. Do YOU have a history of attraction to guys like this? If so, I suggest you really look at where it comes from and where it could lead. I also reccommend that you read my article on this subject on: link removed I don't think this guy will rebound back, based on how you have described him. Get in touch with your needs and wants from a relationship and make sure whoever you choose has these to offer. Hope this helps, Toni C.
  11. kamurj
    Hello deeply depressed- On the advice of your friends, you emailed your ex. One can assume here that you have been discussing the issue of contacting him with your friends. My question is- What was your goal in doing this (ie) getting back together? Or are you seeking friendship? You say he is very busy- who isn't? However, I'm sure you know that we always make time for the things we want and that are important to us. thereforeeee, it's a good guess that he hasn't responded to you because he either doesn't plan to or isn't sure what your intentions for contacting him are. So, begin with an honest answer to yourself about what you are looking for from him. Then let him know- if you feel this is appropriate to do in this situation. Then pay attention to what he doesn't say as well as what he says. Hope this helps, Toni C.
  12. kamurj
    Hi Sadboy- Whew! She has really left a mess behind her. It's no wonder that you are confused and probably a bit angry with her. My sense is that you DO have some good insights into what is going on and expressed these in your posting. She has "issues". She comes from a very dysfunctional family. The key word here is very. We all have dysfunction in our families, but the severity makes a big difference in how we handle our relationships as we move through time. For reasons she refuses to talk about- and that you can't force her to talk about- she refuses to have anything to do with you. In fact, she appears to be making you a scapegoat for her problems (ie) you are the bad guy now. This is a common dynamic in dysfunctional families, groups, etc. The important thing here is that YOU know you are not the bad guy. You need some physical and emotional distance right now. It doesn't appear that she will be able to talk about her issues with you, not anytime soon, anyway. Focus on yourself and your healing. Spend time with positive, supportive people. Get busy in healthy ways. One last thing I feel compelled to ask- Do you have a history of being attracted to needy or dysfunctional women whom you can "rescue"? If so, think about why, what's in it for you and how you can pick women who have something to offer YOU. Hope this helps, Toni C.
  13. kamurj
    Hello HummingBird - You sound like a bright woman who will make good choices in this area. The sad truth is that we can't make anyone do anything. We can try to help create an enviornment that encourages honesty and safe sharing, but that is all. Using I staements is always good. (ie) I have been having difficulty because I don't understand. I would really appreciate it if you could help me with this. Men often report that they feel attacked and then become defensive. Let your ex know how you feel in a non-threatening and non-angry manner- if you can. Let him know how much you need his help with this. This is your best shot at getting it. However, the rest is really up to him. Hope this helps, Toni Coleman
  14. kamurj
    Fantasia2004, Rebounding is a term that everyone uses. However, you need to be sure if you are in one. If you are dating someone who IS NOT OVER someone else and thereforeeee is not really available to you, this is a rebound. If you are seeing someone who recently came out of a relationship, but is moving on and able to form a strong bond without leftover baggage, I would not define the relationship as a rebound. It's not about the length of time. It's about the state of mind. True rebound relationships will struggle and falter unless the person with unresolved issues deals with them. No real time frame for this. Hope this helps, Toni Coleman
  15. kamurj
    What good questions you guys have! Duderanomi, this is definitely not a question with a "one size fits all" answer. If a bona fide break-up has occurred then the person NOT wanting it will be greiving. This requires working through a process that takes us through loss and delivers us whole and ready to be in a relationship again. We cannot begin greiving when the relationship is not yet dead. In other words, having contact will keep the greiving person in a state of hopefullness and suspension. thereforeeee, they will not be able to begin moving on. If a break-up is not really a firm thing- (ie) we need some time to think about this and decide what we are going to do, etc.- then contact may continue, and perhaps should continue. Unfortunately, the person who wants a break-up will often try to "soften" it by saying something like "let's be friends" or "I'd like to stay in contact". This will most likely not work for the person who wants more. For they will be on the sidelines watching, while the other person moves on- no good. If a person "hopes to get back together again", they may be just prolonging the pain. If it's over, it's over. The sooner they move on, the sooner they get on with their life. If a couple is not doing well, they need to have a very open and honest talk about the problems between them. They could try counseling or one or both individuals could work on their issues, if they are key to the problem. However, a break is just a break. Things won't magically work out because they have had a break. Hope this helps, Toni Coleman
  16. kamurj
    dikaia880, this is a very good question. After a break-up, there is anger, confusion, self-doubt, etc. It can take a while to work through these. It is especially hard because there often is no closure to the relationship- (ie) the "dumper" doesn't communicate openly with the "dumpee" about their feelings and neither person gets to talk it out and have a better understanding of what went wrong. When they decide to get together again, it's often that the person who ended it expresses second thoughts, regret, etc. Unfortunately, it usually goes like "I really missed you, I realized my mistake afterwards, I really want to be with you, not with (other person), etc. Still, no real explanation of what went wrong. So, they begin again with this HUGE THING between them that no one is really talking about. There is that happy excitement of getting back together and no one wants to spoil it by going back to the past. However, that is what needs to happen. The person who feels wronged and unable to trust can only resolve these feelings by discussing them with their boy/girlfriend. If they feel unable due to fear of losing the person, this is a relationship that is being built on a very shaky foundation. If the other person is unwilling to hear them out and share their feelings honestly- again, not a good sign. It all boils down to honesty and openess- which is what builds (rebuilds) trust. Otherwise their feelings will fester under the surface and lead to insecurity, anger and resentment. These are real relationship killers. Hope this was helpful. Toni Coleman
  17. kamurj
    Tip You do not have to wait Toni to answer pervious questions to post your question. So if you have a question go ahead and post it.
  18. kamurj
    Hello fellow eNotAloners! Starting with this topic once a month or so we will be inviting professionals from other sites and organizations and host joined discussions focusing on various relationship and personal growth issues. The goal of doing joined discussions and that we can address our questions and concerns to professionals and see learn from their experience and knowledge. It is important that we try and keep these topics organized and before posting a question for a profession make sure it has not already been asked by another member. Toni Coleman, LCSW will host our first joined discussion and we will be focusing on breaking up, healing after breaking up, getting back together related issues. Toni Coleman is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles who are trying to create healthy, lasting relationships. Her coaching also focuses on helping people to achieve happiness and a greater level of fulfillment in their present, single life. Toni has over 20 years of experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder of Consum-mate Relationship Coaching, a dating and relationship site designed especially to assist singles with their most important relationship goals. Toni has authored many articles related to meeting, dating, communicating, single life and healing from relationship loss. She designed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships class, which is a tele-workshop that teaches singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. Her free email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.
  19. kamurj
    Before you publish your poems on other sites make sure that they can not claim they own them because the poems were published in their system and you are just the author. I don't know about poems but I have seen it happening with web content in general.
  20. kamurj
    ang3l2004, check link removed It has lists of online poetry sites in alphabetical lists. also you might find some at link removed
  21. kamurj
    sandrita, please do not post with all capitals.
  22. kamurj
    Hi el_suave07, this has been discussed before too, please see link removed link removed
  23. kamurj
    Army this has been discussed before too, see [link removed masterbate everyday!!! [link removed of Excessive Masturbation ! [link removed and health
  24. kamurj
    thank you ang3l2004 , great poem
  25. kamurj
    Anyone can call a suicide hotline! You can usually find numbers in your local phonebook or on the internet. It is good that you recognize that this problem is way too serious for you to deal with on your own. It is good to talk to and reassure your friend, but it is also VERY IMPORTANT that you enlist someone else's help. You need to tell a trusted adult about this situation right away--a parent, teacher, minister--preferably someone who knows both you and your friend and who you feel comfortable confiding in. Even if your friend has made you promise not to tell anyone, DON'T LISTEN TO HER! She needs help and you can get her some. Please tell someone who can help her.....her life could be at stake.
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