kamurj

Hi again, You wrote, "I'm wondering if this will change in a couple of years or if I'll just have to sit back and go along with it (do you know other cases where the parents have a say in what the male does, etc?) how does that turn out?) I'm willing to wait, but I'd like to better understand the hold up. I try to, but again, I personally wouldn't just not get married/wait if my own parents told me to wait. I'd do what I feel is right and I'm hoping he'll do that, too. He is very mature and would make his own desicions on these things-- if he could." It sounds like they think 21 is too young to get married, and they'd like him to wait a couple more years. At this point in his life, it looks like their word matters a lot to him. I can't predict if, how, and when their dynamic will change, but I can say that as he grows and becomes more independent, more confident, then I imagine he'll feel free to make his own decisions - Which could change the dynamic from needing their okay, to wanting their opinion. Hope this helps. Andrea

Hi kellbell, I'm not so sure if how things turn out heavily depend on whether he's a live-in boyfriend or not. Some may say that if a couple is already living together - then guys may feel little incentive to hurry to tie the knot. But, it doesn't always work that way. At the sound of "the m word" many men respond with, "Can we talk about it later?" - or as you say, skate around the topic. These talks are difficult for men to have. But, from reading your post I would say the best way to find out what he's thinking is to set aside a time to have a conversation about the direction that the relationship is headed. (Of course planned when the timing is right and when you've each had a moment to gather your thoughts.) Men tend to be ready to get married later than women, and for most men contemplating tying the knot is a whole process in itself. What helps to have "the talk" is if women show their beau that they understand that getting married can be scary. An opening like, "I know that talking about engagement and marriage can be difficult....but I think it would be good if we share with each other our thoughts on..." - this gives them the impression that you get that it can be a tough talk to have, and that you're on their side. And, this comes accross differently than opening with, "When do you think we'll get engaged?" Starting off with questions like these seem to make men a little jumpy b/c they know we're expecting an answer. Having a conversation that includes any fears, as well as hopes, and his thoughts about marriage - should give you the insight you need to determine if you're both on the same page. I hope this helps, let me know if you have any more questions. Best, Andrea Passman Candell

Hi Xmrth, Thank you for writing! Reading your post made me think of a few things. Aside from the fact that you have been dating your beau for 6 years - what are some other reasons that make you want to get engaged right now at this point in your life? Women tend to feel ready to get engaged before men do, and I don't know many men of this generation who feel ready to get engaged by 21. I get that you'd rather hear from him that he's not ready, and not have his decision be influenced by his parents. Sounds like you're not feeling so great that the "when" of the engagement should be approved by them. 21 is young, and him wanting his parents "okay" reflects that, and perhaps that he isn't ready right now. You ask, "Is there anything I can do, or is it true he wont always want to listen to his parents? I just don't want to have to wait years and years for someone ELSE'S desicion... and who knows if they'll tell him to wait until he's 30??" In response, (early) 20's are the years to grow, of course this varies for each person as people mature at different paces - but, these seem to be the years that people become more independent, they find themselves, and become more confident making their own decisions. Aside from this issue does he feel like he needs his parents okay when making other decisions (where to live, career issues, etc.)? Could you talk to him about how their okay effects him? Best, Andrea Passman Candell

Frustrated because you want to tie the knot and your long-term boyfriend still isn't ready? On August 9 - 11, Andrea Passman Candell M.A., San Francisco based Relationship Coach and Founder of link removed will host a discussion on "pre-engagement limbo." Andrea has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Boston Herald, CBS Television. Andrea is currently collecting "pre-engagement limbo" stories for the HisColdFeet book project. If you're interested in sharing please email email removed. Feel free to post your "pre-engagement limbo" related questions in this topic. Andrea, welcome to eNotAlone and thank you very much for kindly agreeing to host this discussion for us. Note: Andrea will start posting replies tomorrow.

Our thoughts and prayers to everyone and every family affected by today's London events. I am specially saddened to see yet again that there are people who feel they have the right to prove their point by the price of innocent blood of civilians who have nothing to do with their causes. Note: the other 2 topics related to London events were merged into this topic

Ok Mgirl, i think there might be others feeling the same way you do so lets be little different from yahoo and dmoz in this and have it "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender".

I am sorry, it's my fault. While reviewing our category naming sitewide I noticed that the naming of the forum does not match with what global portals, cataloging systems use, but instead of matching it with the one in use at yahoo directory and dmoz I did it against link removed and link removed model of cataloging. It is now "Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual" in accordance with: link removed link removed "Transgender" is usually not included in naming but assumed to be covered.

Congratulations Ils and, good job with the A thesis. next stop Ph.D!

Congratulations Whitefang, you worked hard for this I know but do not rest yet! the collage degree is next!

butterflycloud, please do not post full text articles, book chapters here when they are protected by copyright. In this case the document you posted is copyrighted by Sonny Carroll in 1999. Instead post a paragraph or so and provide a link for others in case they like it and want to read the text. The rest of the text posted by butterflycloud can be found at compusmart.ab.ca/deadmantalking/awakening.htm

Luciana, we can not just repost content from other sites as most content online (and offline) is copyrighted. thereforeeee, i removed most the articles, please edit your original post in this topic and provide us with the link to that article.

hello Hockeyboy, would you please clarify your point and explain your post; how it is a relationship post as you mentioned in your pm. Thank you. Edit: ok, thanks for editing and clarifying Hockeyboy

Hi Kuhl, I am very sorry to hear about your loss, may God bless the soul of your brother Charlie and give strength to you and everyone in your family at this time of grief.

hi PADreamer, I hope you get well really soon and have happy holidays.

oh yeah, this questions have been discussed many times previously. if you are really interested do some reading in our sex and romance forum.

There was a topic about this subject before, you may view it at link removed

softball_dude, this subject has been covered before and you may find the links bellow useful. link removed link removed link removed link removed

thank you

Hi Under, have you tried to email him? if no, would you please do so? if you do not have his email click here to email dpressedone89 Please let us know when you hear anything from dpressedone89, thanks. I hope everything is fine with him.

Hi everyone We think about trying to start eNotAlone Knowledge Base integrated into forums and articles. It is supposed to become ongoing, dynamic list of What to do and What not to do on specific subjects based on the common experience and views. We can do this in two stages for every topic: 1. Establish list of To do, Not to do list 2. Vote for the list all of us created together. The result will represent community's view on a given subject. To start with please post your list of 1. What to do on a first date. 2. What not to do on a first date. This is not supposed to be a discussion but a list of members To do an Not to do list.

Hi losinghope- The Diagnostic Manuel of Mental Disorders is a resource book that we (mental health professionals) use that lists all types and classifications of what we call, mental disorders. Borderline personality disorder falls under the classification of (personality disorders), of which there are quite a few. There isn't a specific definition given. Instead, this label is derived from looking at symptoms and deciding if the person has the right type and amount of symptoms to fall under the diagnosis. Most professionals are VERY CAREFUL in using such a label- I always have been. Symptoms can be confusing and there is some subjectivity involved. I say this because you really should be careful using such a powerful label about someone. Because your ex is a male, the chance of him having borderline personality disorder is low. There is debate about this, but it's believed that 75% of people with this are female. This disorder is characterized by a PATTERN of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and marked impulsivity (very impulsive) that begins by early childhood and is present in all areas of their life. There is a strong fear of abandonment. Even something as simple as a change of plans can cause anger and irrational fear of losing the other person. There are other related symptoms. But, again, the thing to remember is that a disorder such as this has a profound affect on a person's ability to function normally, and that everyone has features of all personality disorders- we just have little bits and pieces that don't add up to a true personality disorder. Anyone who truly has this, will find it nearly impossible to have normal, healthy relationships without a lot of professional help and intervention. Hope this answers it for you, Toni C.

Hi bizborow1- Did you know that the majority of people in the world are introverts? Shyness is something that everyone at least experiences from time to time, and some people live with all the time. I'm not sure where you fall in that group, but the best way for anyone to become comfortable with something that is scarey to them- is to throw themselves into the experience. Going out with friends, having casual conversations with women you meet and come into contact with and even encounter in (ie) the supermarket, post office, book store- all will help you to develop more confidence and sharpen your social skills in this area. Observe friends "in action" who are really good at this. What is it they do and say? Does this give you some ideas to try? Everyone does best with their own unique style. Honesty and sincerity are very charming and put women at ease. So, get practice and gather ideas from others that you can try out as you go about your daily life. Good luck, Toni C.

Hi didyoumissme- I think friendships are friendships. We nurture them by showing we care, doing nice things for each other, being a shoulder to lean on during hard times and sharing the exciting and happy events of our lives. Nothing lasts "forever". Even the best and closest friends can drift or lose touch for a time. Life happens. However, if you should develop distance, I think if you keep even a thread out there between you, either of you can follow it back to the other when life permits. Is it possible you have developed "the friend crush"? Good luck, Toni C.

Hi everyone, At this time we will stop taking new questions for Toni. I am sure at this joined discussion was helpful not only for those who submitted questions but also for the rest of us. I want to extend my appreciation to Toni who despite her busy schedule of everyday counseling, preparing her articles, consum-mate.com 's ezine, writing her new book… accepted our request for help in doing a joined discussion and found the time to come here and volunteer to help eNotAlone members. This is not the first time Toni volunteered her time and professionalism for eNotalone and in fact is helping eNotalone from 2002 with our articles' section. Please join me to thank Toni for always being there to help others in need of her advice and guidance and for all the advice she provided in the joined discussion. Thank you Toni.

Hi ForAnother- The nice feedback I have gotten from folks like you has made this a very nice experience for me. It has taken a lot of time, but It is time that has been well used. Today is my last day here in this role. I hope I was able to give at least something small to everyone who came to read and learn. I will be finishing up a few questions later. If any of you folks out there want to learn more and continue your work on creating a healthy, lasting relationship, come to my site- link removed. I have articles, quizzes, resources and a free monthly newsletter. My e-classes are a favorite and can help you with some of your toughest relationship issues. I also have individual and group help available. Thank you for the opportunity to be here this week. I'll be offering a little more advice tonight and then I'll look forward to seeing you at link removed THANKS! Toni C.