clodhopper

aww guys i know it's so hard to be in an LDR!!! but stay strong here's my advice to everyone: although it's hard, do the best you possibly can, and try to make it easy on your partner too. just out of personal experience, i made it really hard on my guy (like crying or being sad when we couldnt talk cuz i missed him sooo much) and caused him a lot of unnecessary stress, and it caused us to fight a lot more than we would normally. i'm not with him right now, but the long distance wasn't the reason at all - we broke up when we were in the same place, so dont think thats the reason. just try to focus on the good things about your relationship, and try to be as happy as possible. it will be the best thing you can do!!! good luck everyone

I agree -- as hard as it is, it sounds like there are a lot of factors working against this actually working as a healthy relationship. - age difference - long distance - she is probably in a different place since her life is pretty much set up (as the last poster said) and you're just getting started Good luck!

i agree with the previous poster -- i cuddle with guys i like!

All you can really do right now is just give her the time and space she asked for. Don't get pulled along, and try not to have the hope that she'll come back to you. I know she said she probably would, but things change, people change. You never know what the future holds, and you can't spend your whole life waiting around for someone. I understand that she was there for you through your rough times, and maybe that's getting you thinking "how come I can't be there for her through her tough times?" and I understand that... but if she wants space and you don't give it to her, you could push her even further away... and I doubt you want that! Good luck

just take the previous posters' advice -- try to have a talk with your parents. no it may not work right away, but hopefully over time you can get your message through to them. good luck!

I think that lust at first sight is possible. When I first saw this guy over a year ago, I was drawn to him somehow. I didn't know what exactly it was that attracted me to him, but there was something, an initial captivation I guess. He eventually became my boyfriend and we fell in love, but after getting to know each other very well... But yes lust at first sight is very possible. You may think that it's love, but as some of the previous posters said, you're probably convincing yourself that you love the person... when most likely it's a very strong attraction of some sort.

It IS really hard having dreams that don't mess up with the reality we actually live in. I've had several dreams about my ex since we broke up, about us getting back together and stuff... and it's really tough when you wake up to a world you wish was different, but hang in there! The last person that posted said that dreams can tell our future. This is really far-fetched in my opinion, but I guess we can believe it to make us feel better, at least that's what I do sometimes...

cavaliere, when i read this post it really reminded me of my own personal situation and i dont want to give you false hope since every situation is different, but in my situation it turned out pretty good! it was opposite for me. i was with a guy long distance while at university and this guy lived in my residence, and we became really close friends. like best friends actually. we spent a LOT of time together, and talked for hours and hours every night (like you said, 5-6 hours a day). we ate a lot of our meals together, studied together, any time we had... we just got really close. i left for christmas holidays and was so sad to leave him behind (i live out of province and he doesnt). i went back home, saw my boyfriend, went on a trip with him, spent christmas together, had some good times... but through all of it i couldnt stop thinking about the guy back at school, my great great friend. i started thinking about it more and realized that he had the qualities i wanted in a guy, not my current boyfriend, but that i had been in denial, thinking that my current boyfriend had those qualities when really he did not! meanwhile i was talking to the guy about how i was having some problems with my current boyfriend (thinking in my head about how i thought i was pretending he had the qualities that my friend did, but i didnt actually tell him what my problems were). he emailed me and said he was there to listen as always, but found it hard sometimes. later i asked him what that meant, and he eventually came out saying that he liked me but it was hard when i had a boyfriend and he knew nothing could come of us. i was really surprised and happy cuz i wasnt sure he liked me in that way (other than a really good friend). i talked to my friends and told them how i felt... then told them what my guy friend had said... and they said i should go for it. so i ended up breaking up with my boyfriend (which turned out not to be so bad, he wasnt that into it either apparently - we had some other issues too) i then talked to my guy friend and told him we broke up. he acted really sad for me and stuff (since he's my friend) and i ended up telling him how i realized that the qualities he had i was pretending my boyfriend had, and that he was the guy i wanted to be with. we had so much in common and got along so well (like you said you and this girl are like). after a long talk, we ended up getting together. now i dont know what will happen or work in your situation, but i wanted to let you know that it is possible... and that you never know what can happen... and if that will make you happy then you should go for it. i just wanted you to know that there is hope, even in complicated situations like this. it depends though if both of you want to risk your friendship. one of the people that replied was very right -- giving up that friendship to be more is scary... and if the relationship doesnt work out in the end, then you could end up losing your best friend. just be careful good luck! if you feel like PMing me anytime,feel free.. . cuz i REALLY know what you're going through

I agree -- don't base your personal life on your parents or anyone elses! Don't compare yourself to other people and think you're not good enough or not up to speed with everyone else. Things will happen when it's right, and you shouldn't feel like any less of a person (or a lame person) just beause you havent had a guy. My sister has never had a boyfriend (and i dont think she's ever really had a real kiss or whatever) and she's your age. But i know that for her -- and for YOU too -- things will happen when the time is right. dont beat yourself up over it! i know sometimes its hard with friends and co-workers kinda making you feel bad or stupid for not having a guy... but dont let them. Be confident and happy with the other parts of your life and show them you're just fine without a guy

This situation is a little strange... haven't seen one like this before. I guess with love though you can't help it sometimes... but being family is sketchy. I think where problems arise is if the rest of the family (ie. her father) can accept it. I think maybe you should try to find a way to tell her father, cuz that will basically determine whether or not you can have a normal open relationship in front of your families. I guess since her father is your half-brother it's not as bad, but you are still related... and not to be mean but personally that kinda creeps me out. I really don't know if you have a future. It all depends what happens. Good luck!

I would say just talk to her. It's the only thing you can do if you want her back. Spill your guts, like the last person said. Just tell her everything honestly and see what she thinks. Yeah sure she may not want to take that leap of faith and put her trust back in you, but you'll never know... and you don't want to live with that regret if this is that important to you. Good luck!

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago and I'm still having a hard time letting go. It's definitely one of the toughest things to love someone that doesn't love you back. Everyone has suggested to me that I have to move on... and try to get involved with other things in my life. I would suggest that to you as well. Good luck! I don't feel ready to date other guys, but I'm not opposed to the idea of meeting new people. But it is really tough dealing with this, we all have been through it once or twice. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

Ok I want to rephrase what I said about not wanting to piss her off, etc. I guess what I meant is just I don't think it's the best to rub it in her face that another girl is calling you, like that's not really necessary... however it's awesome to let her know you do have a life besides her! That's what everyone needs to do with their exes.

that could work... although i don't know if you should intentionally be trying to piss her off by pretending a girl is calling you while you're out with her...

If you feel that you want to win her back (and it is possible to do this) then I would say go for it. But be careful not to make her feel pressured - that's the last thing you want to do! I'm in a situation where my ex is back in the city where I live and I saw him today shortly and I still have feelings for him. I want more than anything for us to be able to have a second chance, but it doesn't look good. At least with your situation, you feel as though this could be your chance - so don't ruin it. I would suggest just hanging out with her, going out for lunch as she suggested, etc. Try just building up a friendship again, and hopefully you'll click and be able to tell her how you feel eventually. You said how when you pour out your heart to her, you make her feel pressured. I know exactly what you mean. After my ex broke up with me, I poured out my heart to him to try to make him see things like I do... and it made him feel pressured because I was constantly bringing "us" up when he just needed space. And I feel that I definitely pushed him away further by doing that. Just be careful good luck!!

Seeing as you guys are close, I would think that he would bring up the card in some way... even just to say he got it... maybe that he's still thinking. But that's good too, even if he doesnt know how to reply yet. I think what you said in the card was really good, yet respectful at the same time. Hopefully he'll see it the same way, rather than a way to pressure or rush him into it. I think you guys are on the right track, and it seems to me that things are going well. It does take time, so always keep that in mind. But I think the fact that you've been so open and honest with each other is great and really helpful in your situation. Good luck with your dinner tomorrow night. I hope all goes well.

xMoToRgiRlx -- thanks for your reply. i guess you're probably right in what you said. i guess in reality i have to give it time to see if we even have a chance of becoming better friends than we are now... and maybe then i can tell him how i feel, and he can see how i have changed. you're right, thanks for the advice, it was really helpful. i guess it's just really difficult when you care about someone so much and accept that the past is in the past, but that you want to build a better different future with them... and it's hard when you have so many thoughts in your head, and you can't tell the person... however, you're probably right in that i need to wait a while to see what happens. thanks!! - clodhopper

richgabe -- i know that is the logical thing to do, to forget about him and accept that our relationship is over. the problem with forgetting about him is he is really good friends with my roommate, so he comes up in conversation all the time, etc. it's not like i can just separate him out of my life now. in terms of accepting that the relationship is over, i have. it's not what i want, but i have accepted that that is reality. what i'm saying is that i know what we had in the past we could never have again, but that i want a second chance with him to have a different relationship and avoid the mistakes that we made in the past. -clodhopper

Hi, I've posted about my situation a lot on this site... so I won't go into the background of my relationship with my ex or the breakup or anything - I guess you can ask if you have specific questions (that would be easier, thanks!!) Anyway we broke up when we were in different cities last semester. I was in one place doing school, he was in another doing co-op - however he's back in the same city as me this semester doing classes again. We talked today about how our first classes went, etc, just chitchat. The thing is -- I want him back. I want to tell him my feelings, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do because he was the one who broke up with me... I've realized a lot since the breakup back in September, and I've made some changes to myself, and have also promised myself to make other changes specifically in my next relationship. The thing is, I want a second chance with him to show him what I have realized and how I have changed for the better. I didn't want to change just for him, but I realized that I made some mistakes that I needed to fix for any future relationship. I haven't seen him since I've been back (I flew in last night). As I said, we spoke today shortly on MSN about how our classes went, etc. We will talk chitchat whenever one of us writes the other - we always reply to each other, unless we're really busy or something obviously. I'm just really missing him and wanting to show him what I have realized, because I truly believe that we had something great when it was still going great (at the end we argued some and things got confusing... leading up to our breakup). I really also want to show him how special he is to me... I think about him all the time. And even though everything that has happened, I still have great positive feelings toward him... and he honestly makes me want to be a better person. I know that I have made mistakes in the past, and he has made me see that... so I want to show him that and fix those things. Anyway I guess I'm just looking for general advice on what to do. Should I ask him to talk or hang out? Should I try to go out with him on the weekend downtown (he's good friends with one of my roommates, so I think they are going) to get over the awkwardness? Should I not talk to him at all? I'm really confused and would just appreciate anyone's insight. Thanks guys!!!!! please reply

I think that maybe you can tell your ex your feelings and what you would like to change if you were to get back together with them... however, the ppl that have written already are right - they won't come back unless that's what they actually want. There's no big secret to winning them back, no brainwashing, etc. Probably time and patience are your best bet for getting back in their life... other than that, you can't do much except try your best to accept reality.

I think that maybe you can tell your ex your feelings and what you would like to change if you were to get back together with them... however, the ppl that have written already are right - they won't come back unless that's what they actually want. There's no big secret to winning them back, no brainwashing, etc. Probably time and patience are your best bet for getting back in their life... other than that, you can't do much except try your best to accept reality.

Ok I've posted several messages on here before about my situation... but for those that dont know what happened... The basics - was with my boyfriend for 8 months (first 4 were long distance, other 4 was the summer when we were together)... heading into long distance again for 4 months, left him after a great last weekend together, he broke up with me a week later when we were in different cities. He gave an initial reason of wanting to figure out the rest of his life other than me and just needed some space and time, but that he wasnt closing any doors on us and if he wanetd to be in a relationship it'd be with me. etc etc... so it was sad, but not definite. Month later said his feelings for me got confused at the end of our relationship and he didnt know that he was IN love with me anymore, even though he loved me and cared for me. he needed time to sort himself out and he didnt know what the future held. another month later after less contact with each other, he said he didnt see him being with me and that we were too different to be together and make it work, etc etc. a conversation a little while after that he said that he just didnt want to talk about getting back together right now because he didnt see it right now. he said again he didnt know what would happen when we were both in the same place again and maybe something would change, but he'd rather cross that bridge if/when we came to it. so he asked that i please not talk about it cuz right now he didnt see that, and he wanted to just live his life right now and see what the future holds and go on whatever path life took him on, etc so that was fine, we've been in some contact on msn and via email, but not that much. talking occasionally like i would to any other friend, mostly chit chat, nothing important. now its 2 days til i go back to school for the next term and hes in the city now, and i'm scared to go back there. last term was horrible, i wasnt happy, i missed him terribly. been home for the holidays and thats been good, havent thought much about him except for when i talk to him on msn... yet now its so soon to possibly seeing him that i'm really scared. the bottom line is that i miss him and i want us to have another chance to avoid the mistakes we made before. and i want to show him how i have changed for the better, like things about myself that caused problems in our relationship before (being too clingy, jealous etc) cuz i didnt have alot of experience before so i dont think i knew how to handle stuff when it happened. and i just want to show him that. any suggestions at all???? anything i should or shuold not do? how should i act around him? any thoughts about anything would be really helpful, thanks guys!!!!!!

SORRY for this being soooo long!!!! please read. i need advice thx Hi, for those of you that haven't read the posts about my breakup - I was with my guy from January to Sept (about 8 months). He broke up with me at the start of the school year. He was in one city doing co-op, I'm in another city going to school. We talked a lot after the breakup... now not so much. We don't hate each other and our convos aren't as awkward anymore, but we still don't talk that often. I guess I've come to terms with what happened - he said his feelings for me got really clouded at the end of our relationship, and he apparently fell out of love with me. I guess now I feel some kind of love toward him (I think I always will) but I'm not in love with him anymore either, just from these 3+ months of being apart... natural feeling I guess. BUT I know that I want us to have another chance... I've thought a lot abuot things and i know that I did things to make our relationship stressful on him and too much pressure, and I want to show him that I have realized and I want to change some things for the better. I know that I have to wait and see what things are like between us in person - the last time I saw him i was leaving to come back to the city where my school is, and he was staying in the other city to do his co-op term. we were long distance from jan to april, and then we spent the entire summer together while both at summer school. anyway hes coming back to my city in january because he is done his co-op term, so we will both be taking classes from january to april. i'm REALLY nervous to see him... any thoughts? suggestions???? I'm not sure how to act around him. and i'm scared that when i see him, i'm not gonna be patient and see how things go, i'm scared i'm just gonna blurt out how i feel and what i'm thinking... and i don't want to ruin a potential possibility of being friends (which i think IS possible because his good friend is my roommate... so yeah...) Anyway I'm just nervous because I know I'm gonna go crazy when I see him again. I don't have all the same feelings like I'm not in love with him anymore and stuff, but I know that when I see him I'm gonna go insane and want to tell him that I want to show him what i've realized and how i've changed. background info --- our relationship was really good i thought. yeah it sucked being long distance the first 4 months but it gave us a chance to get really emotionally close because we werent physically together... and the 4 months of the summer we got more physically close. he was just finally the guy that had all the qualities i was looking for. we had the same goals, we had a lot in common. we got along soooo well! and now more than anything i just miss him so much. and i want him back in my life. as friends would be nice, if we cant be together again. but more than anything i just want him to give us another chance, so i can show him how good it can be, with all the things ive realized went wrong and how we can change them. he was my best friend in the whole world, the one person i told my secrets to... and the one person i didnt want to lose so yeah any advice would be awesome... i'm worried to see him cuz i think i'm gonna tell him my feelings, maybe at the wrong time, or too soon. and i'm just nervous in general to see him again. he'll probably be getting his own place in the city (instead of living at home like he did in the summer) so i would be able to see him often, if we decided to be friends. what are your thoughts??? thanks guys!!

I've had several dreams since my boyfriend and I broke up almost 2 months ago. At the start they were all about still being together and we would hang out and do things we used to do. The dreams were really detailed - like we would be eating specific foods we used to eat together, and we would watch specific movies... that kinda thing. We dont have any contact now (well... a week ago we decided not to talk, cuz after the breakup we kept talking on msn, etc. and it got kinda hard), and I wont see him til January (hes not in the same city as me, we broke up over long distance, and hes not back til next semester). Recently I've been thinking a lot about what's gonna happen when I see him again, and I'm scared we won't even be able to be friends again. A couple nights ago I had a dream where we saw each other here in January and I was trying to get close to him and kiss him and be physical, etc. but he kept pushing me away. So now I wonder if that's like foreshadowing what's really going to happen, because I know I'm going to have to try really hard not to get close to him when I see him.

I was actually considering going the "friends with benefit" route with my ex too. He broke up with me a month ago and we're in different cities but I'll see him next semester and I already miss the sex... but I decided that I can't do that because I still have feelings for him, and I don't want to get into that and then him not want to get back together. I'd have to go through the whole healing process again. I think if your ex still has feelings for you, it's a bad idea... and even if neither of you think you have feelings for each other, because you've been together before, feelings of some kind will probably pop up for both of you. Just be careful