cavaliere

Greetings all, Happy belated New Year. I find myself in quite the dilemma. Two years ago, I met this girl in class, but I was far too shy to say anything to her, so nothing really happened there. However, last year, I happened to run into her again in another class, and I sucked it up and started talking to her. We grew to be very close friends and after a few months, I asked her out. She turned me down because she was already seeing someone else, but she still wanted to be friends and as odd as it sounds, we managed to stay close. This year, however, things seem to have changed. Its like me asking her out and getting turned down has made us even closer, if that's possible. We see each other a few times a week and we talk almost every day, sometimes 5-6 hours a night. She seems to want to know everything about me, is always ready to listen whenever I'm feeling low, and even claims to see me as quite the catch. She says if she didn't have a boyfriend, she'd be with me. I still find this girl to be extremely wonderful. We have so much in common, it is almost uncanny, to the point that its almost like she knows what I'm thinking before I even say a word. I feel more comfortable around her than anyone else I've ever met. She knows I think she's beautiful, she knows I think she's wonderful to be around, and she says she is attracted to me. She says "no one makes me laugh like you do; it's a privilege to know you; you're the sweetest guy ever; I can't believe you're single;" etc. She even compliments me physically! Apparently, I'm quite sexy My question is, what exactly is going on here? If she really feels this way about me, why is she with another guy and not me? I am no relationship expert, I've never even been in one before, so please excuse my ignorance when it comes to this topic. It doesn't seem natural to me that a girl with a boyfriend would want to spend hours and hours talking to another guy. Why is she taking such an interest in me? Is she beginning to think that perhaps she'd rather be with me? Or am I just a back-up to the guy she already has? Or maybe she's just playing with me, who knows? If I knew she liked me for certain, I would take one last stab at asking her out. I mean, she has become the benchmark to which I compare all other girls I meet, and I've yet to meet someone with whom I connect with so well. But at this point in time, it just seems to be too risky to try again. Any comments are appreciated.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I have very little to complain about. I'm healthy, I am close with my family.....all of the important things like that are in order. But yet, I feel horrendously unfulfilled, as if my existence is hollow. And why? Where do I begin.... I am in my final year of university. School has never been particularly difficult for me and in high school, I was always the top student. Even in university, I've always been at the top of my class. But for some reason, with each year that passes, I feel less and less driven to do well. I mean, I never allow myself to do badly, but that fire inside me is missing. Its as if it just doesn't matter anymore....once you finish school, no one cares what you did there anyways. All the awards you win are just trinkets in the end. School has essentially become just another chore...going to class is just another day at the office. Of course, university is more than class, its also about the relationships you build there. And I am seriously lacking in that department. I'm not really a typical 20-something. I hate going to clubs, I don't party very often. My idea of fun is an espresso and a nice café patio. In my first 2 years at university, I made no friends whatsoever, although I was always very polite and cordial. There were always a few acquaintances, but never people I could call to hang out with. Then last year, I made a serious effort to be more open and friendly, but instead, all I got were hangers-on....people who got a laugh out of my jokes or needed my help with assignments. At the end of the year, of course, all those people forgot about me. This year, being my final year, I decided to try just a little harder, but I see things going the same way. I have many acquaintances, but no real friends. And it makes me feel bitter that apparently, all I'm good for is a laugh or an answer. No one really cares about the person behind it all. And what about dating? Alas, that is virgin territory for me. I'm not unattractive by any means of the imagination, although I do look somewhat older than I'd like.....something about a 21 year old being mistaken for 28 has me unsettled. And its not like I have a beard or greying hair, its just the way I carry myself. But now I'm going off on a tangent....anyways, I have very few male acquaintances, almost all of them are women. And older than me too, by 2-5 years. They all love to talk to me, they all swear I'm such an intelligent, compassionate person. But it is not me they have eyes for, it is always guys who are the complete opposite of me. In times of trouble, it is me they always turn to for advice and comfort, swearing that no one understands like I do. Yet, when I am in need of the same thing, they are nowhere to be found. This too, has me feeling bitter. Finally, we come to my job. I'm still a student, so I can't really complain about work, I have to do what needs to be done. But I am terrified over what the future might hold. I am going to graduate school with the hope that it will help me establish myself in my chosen field, but again, if it doesn't work out, I have to take what is there. The spectre of accepting a stagnant, boring job and waking up 25 years later to find my life behind me often has me losing sleep. After giving up my youth to school and working, hoping that I can enjoy myself in the future, such a fate would be crueler than that of Tantalus in Hades. And that is my struggle. I'm young, things change, so I suppose most of this can be considered rather over-dramatic. But I can't help but think about these things. Again, I suppose I shouldn't complain, I have my health and my family, the two most important things. Yet, I still feel unhappy. When I come home from school or work, I have no one to call and no place to go, so I spend most of my time reading or writing. What's worse, when I get up in the morning, I really have no desire to do so, because each day is always the same. I sleep badly, always thinking about a horrible future 10 years from now where I'd be living alone, without friends or a girlfriend, stuck in a job I hate, with no possible escape in sight. Hehe, indeed, these are very negative and cynical thoughts. But am I a cynic? Guilty as charged. I'll do what it takes to prevent this from happening, but the fact of the matter is that the old adage "If you want something bad enough, you'll get it" just isn't really true for everybody. And that, my friends, is the most bitter pill of all. Thank you for your patience.

First off, I have to say this site is excellent. To know there are others like me around is very nice indeed. Anyways, I'm 21 years old, never had a girlfriend, nor very many friends. I'm not particularly unattractive, although I'm not what you'd call boyishly cute either. Average height, fit body, dark hair and dark eyes, but not a sex symbol by any stretch of the imagination. I'm frequently told I have the air of someone in their 30's, which isn't altogether surprising, because I've never really taken to the lifestyle most people my age live. I don't like clubs, I'm not the most carefree person in the world, I'm not really a conversation starter and as such, I find it extremely difficult to connect with other people around my age, especially women. Just picture a reserved, relatively well-groomed guy with a very serious face, who happens to listen to heavy metal AND classical music, watch both VERY bad (funny) and very good movies, love classic fashion, frequent cafés instead of dance floors, detest fast food, basketball, and club culture....and you'll see I'm pretty much a man without a flock. Still, I like to think that I'm quite intelligent, I'm fluent in several languages, and I do rather well for myself, considering I don't have time for more than part-time work until I complete my degree. Anyways, as I said, I've always had trouble meeting people, although I get along very well with the few friends I do have. So, seeing as I'm almost done school, I figured that I'd make a serious effort to meet more people, since it will probably be more difficult to do so once I graduate. I especially wanted to meet a girl with whom I could develop a friendship and maybe more. The girls I used to know used to look at me as some kind of novelty act - an encyclopedia with a really deep voice. And each time I talked to a girl, they had no qualms about rebuffing me, often harshly. They preferred "bad boy" type guys who "took no flak", although to me this just meant they acted like immature jackasses. Each time it happened, it took longer and longer for me to recover from it. But this time, I just decided to throw all caution to the wind. I let my guard down and, armed with my "questionable" repertoire of sarcastic jokes and 80's analogies, I began striking up conversations with girls in my classes, instead of just digesting lectures through osmosis like I used to. Of course, some girls were not nice at all, but lo and behold, many of them were and I began to feel better about myself. Some of them even asked to exchange phone numbers so that we might be able to get together sometime. I was enthralled! However, my excitement soon turned to suspicion when none of the girls ever wanted to hang out with me when I invited them out. In fact, some even concocoted excuses that were easy to see through. I never said anything, since I didn't want to be rude. Maybe I was just being paranoid. However, as the year progressed, a number of them began calling me with some frequency. Their calls would begin with polite small talk and a joke here and there, but then the conversation would suddenly switch to academic matters and I would be bombarded with questions. They even began to invite me out and I was thrilled at the prospect of just doing stuff together, never mind any romantic implications. But, these get-togethers turned out to be nothing more than thinly-veiled study sessions, as they always seemed to have their textbooks ready with them. I tried to turn the conversations away from school, but most of the time, my efforts were met with rather patronizing glares, which offended me greatly. They would even hold marathon cell-phone conversations right in front of me. By then, the picture was crystal clear to me - I was just another nice guy who happened to be intelligent and naive around women. And these women were seasoned, at least more so than me, and knew what to do to get what they wanted. I grew increasingly embittered towards these people, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to abandon them, since they were atrocious students and did need my help. And though I was nothing more than a tutor, their company was better than no company at all. Deep down inside me, I even felt that maybe they would appreciate me more if I could deliver them the results they wanted. In the end, they all passed their courses and I invited them all to join my on my birthday to celebrate together. They all enthusiastically agreed, but when the day came, not a single one of them came, nor did any of them even call me to wish me a happy birthday. I was insulted beyond reproach. I'm a rather old-fashioned person, respect between family, friends, etc. means a great deal to me, and to be treated with such disrespect was the final insult of them all. I erased all of their numbers from my mobile phone and essentially gave up my "experiment in friendliness." I did try a couple of more times to talk to girls outside of school, but it was back to the old cycle of rejection. Even online dating didn't pan out, as I likely set a world record for online rejections. I wouldn't mind so much if the women I approached weren't so callous about it, as if I were unworthy of talking to them. Who are they, after all!? I've come to accept my solitary lifestyle and I firmly believe that if people can't appreciate you for who you are or are only interested in using you, you shouldn't even give them the time of day. I know that's not "treat people as you'd like to be treated", but I tried that and look where it got me. At this point, I no longer care about trying to attract friends by being loud and outgoing, because that's not who I am and it never was. And I'm far more attentive now to whether or not someone is trying to take advantage of me. I never discuss how much I earn, my grades, nothing. If a girl, or anyone else for that matter, doesn't like me, fine. At least I like myself. It felt good to get this off my chest, once again, great site!