wendella

I agree with kitten girl I have been on both ends of that - the one being told none of my business and yes shamed to admit the one on the other end of the line - don't let it go he is up to something guilty as charged

that is hurtful, i totally get where your coming from also people are a reflection of the ones they hang out with and if he hangs out with people you don't like I can totally see what you don't like about it That is terrible that he is not at home helping you raise your son, I would talk to him about it seriously and demand what you need out of the relationship, don't compromise what you truly believe in Like on some small things in my relationship I can bend a little, but if it comes to things that make up my soul or being, there is no way that I can bend on them like how i feel about cheating, it is 0% tolerence on that. You are in a tough situation, especially having a child. Hmmm try to work on it and talk to him. Tell him exactally how you feel, without yelling or being negative, like from the heart, and if he is any kind of man he will curb his nights at the bar and respect your feelings. If he doesn't there isn't much hope if he is not willing.

Did you stop to think for a minute he was married for a long time and he might be missing that attachement he had for so long ? He also sounds super insecure and maybe he thinks that is the only way he can keep you around get you pregnant and marry you hmmm

Hey girly girl ~ I totally understand what your saying LOL But one thing I have learned over the years and through the men ha ha is that MEN are MEN they have this thing called SELECTIVE LISTENING and their brains are not set up like ours to MULTI TASK Like when a guy is thinking about one thing - let's say work - he is only thinking about work, nothing else until he switches subjects in his head.\ On the other hand Women can be at work on their computers and thinking about what to have for dinner, what they are going to buy their Mom for Christmas, those foxy shoes at Nordstroms, and what position they want to have their honey in tonight ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Just accept those crazy men for what they are and god love em' If you don't think i'm dead on try to carry on a conversation with a girlfriend, you guys can talk about like 12 things at once right? what about with your honey?? like one at a time, sometimes none I just recently figured this out and also like when your honey looks bumbed out and he is watching TV HE IS JUST WATCHING TV - he is not thinking about the fate of your relationship like us women might be, or what color fence we want on our house, just leave the men alone and they will come around. They always do, they are just different creatures. and ya bout the listening thing sometimes you gotta wave your hand in front of their faces - ha ha ha

I say go for it girl! But only if you have no expectations of this man. I agree with the other posts, don't rush, take it easy with the relationship thing. If your just looking for some excitment and attention, go for it. But be cautious to not "fall in love" too soon, you might need time to find the real you that you might have lost while being married. Give it time, but play in the meantime... he he he

You say she says a lot of things to you, but what are her ACTIONS. Does she act as if she loves you? Words are nice but they are only words what matters is what you do or how you act. It is obviously distressing you what exactally is making you upset? that she won't commit? or that she is saying one thing and acting like another? Just be catious. and it may not be blatently obvious to you cause you are one of the parties in the situation. This is why people seek advice cause it is hard to see what is the truth when you are emotionally involved.

dont answer and he wont bother you

I felt like a yo-yo just reading your story. I can imagine what you feel like... I think she is toying with you. I know this sounds bad and mean but I think that she is. I totally used to do that to men. I would keep them around just to use when I wanted to be complimented, taken out, have attention, or even just, well, you know. And it sounds like you two had a very intense fling, which you both disguised as a reltionship. Real lasting love grows with time, the passionate kind is fun and enjoy it while it lasts only because it usually doesn't Totally what the other post said don't let her hold you back from moving on cause real love doesn't hurt and she is using you for one thing or another even if you don't want to see it. sorry good luck

I think you need to picture it if you would mind if SHE dated YOUR good friend after breaking up.. all guys are gonna be like naw it wouldn't bother me when really it would eat them alive i guess what i mean to say is put yourself in her shoes does it feel ok??

I think that girls are brought up to believe that thier knight in shining armour is coming to take them away and then he will marry her and have a perfect live and perfect children and etc... Most younger and some older women are blinded by this dream. I know I was and my sister who is 20 is totally now. When in reality here is the truth about marriage and life. Nothing is perfect. Things that possibly can go wrong, will. Marriage does not cure a bad relationship. Marriage does not change the relationship, which is why many women are disappointed and try to take control of the relationship after they are married. It is just a commitment to each other and a legal binding contract. The relationship is still the relationship. I can see the point of wanting to get a ring for a sign of commitment. But if she doesn't feel commitment already she won't feel it from a ring... Think about if you and her are ready to be grown up with real problems real debt real children with real sicknesses really not having time for each other and never spending the quality time you may be able to now. Enjoy your youth for sure. Don't rush and if it's real you will be married in time. this it totally my opinion not advice.... Life is real. good luck

Totally jess! the Alanon thing.... I think that it is only assumed that being addicted is hereditary. My parents have never drank or used drugs, and I ended up being a major "druggie". I gave it up cause I didn't want to die. Also remember that her and her father are two separate people. You said she is really involved in the community and smart - well if that's the case she is smart enough to see what her father has gone through and would never make those bad decisions that she saw her dad make over and over. and have a little faith in her I hope you do fine and talk to her about your concers, girls like that just do it with a loving and caring manner. good luck

I suggest that you check out a therapist, I know I need too. Thanks for the advice on the student thing! If you feel like your not in reality most of the time, which I do and your in a dream, it may be PTSD post traumatic stress disorder. I am far from a doctor but I read something about it once. check it out on web md and tell me if you think you have the symptoms of it, it could also be caused by recent stress anxiety or depression.....

You can't and the tests they have these days are so precise that if you dilute your pee and drink a lot of water they can tell. Biting the bullet sounds like what you are going to have to do. Maybe you should think about taking the thc out of your life. Some of us have to learn more of a lesson than others, i hope you learn before the real hard lessons come...

I guess it started when I was like 14. I started drinking a lot and smoking. Then over the years it just got worse. I did the drugs I said I never would. I am glad you got something from my story. I think it might be genetic and circumstantial. Like if you had abuse as a child or stuff like that. They do say if your mom and dad were alcoholics and addicts that you could be too. No one knows for sure. I think the whole reason we drink or use is cause we want to feel good, better or fix what is majorly wrong. Ya know? I started using the bad stuff when I was in a bad relationship and he brought it over once, I tried it and liked it and didn't think of where it would bring me..... I don't blame him, I chose to do it. Thanks for your reply and keep in touch, hugs back. Wendy

Wow the age old question - Lust or Love???

Way to go tiger lilies

Although Honesty is the best policy I believe that some things we should just not tell our husbands or boyfriends. I recently received a letter from an old boyfriend of years ago inquiring how I was blah, blah, blah. I wrote him back a quick note just saying I was good, and did not include my phone number only a return address. I did not want to drag up old ghosts that were put to rest for a reason. But let me tell you he was the best lover I ever had and for a couple weeks I wanted to go to him sooo bad. He was that one that got away, the one that you don't forget. The feeling eventually went away and I am soooo glad I didn't act on it!! I have a boyfriend now that is dear to me and has been there for me on countless occasions when I didnt deserve him to be. He has taught me humility, honesty, and how to love someone. Do you love your husband?? Are you just wanting to be with this man because he makes you feel good about you? Is he more "exciting" than your husband? Maybe it is just the thought of being with him that is overcoming you. Have you thought what life would really be like if you were with him? You would have 2 children that aren't his, probably on your own, which is not fun, he might think that you are still in love with your husband... there are so many things that you may not have thought of.... the romance part of it might not be all it's cracked up to be.. if you still love your husband, and i mean the long lasting love, not the lusty, have to have you near me love, you should put this other guy out of your head, if you try to he will leave your heart and head eventually and you will probably be better off without him. Getting married young is tough. I am 29 and haven't done it yet, and let me tell you I've done enough living for 4 life times... Think about it and your kids and let your heart and head lead you....

Whatever you decide to do don't feel bad about doing it. Put into the consideration what the life of this child would be like, if you give it up for adoption can you deal with it? Could you support the baby? I work at a family law office and I just saw a 19 year old give up her baby to a couple, thousands of miles away. She was devastated but she signed the papers. This is a tough but common problem many young girls face, as i have in my life. I was irresponsible about birth control and didn't think of the effects that having unprotected sex can bring about, stds, aids, not to mention a baby. Please think long and hard about this. And whatever you decide don't beat youself up about it. If you do you will never truly forgive yourself for giving it up or having an abortion. The guy sounds like a lost cause. Sad but true so many young fathers just don't care and see it as the women's problem. Yikes what is this world coming to....

As a former drug addict and succubus lol i like that word... I totally understand how you would want to help your dad.. but If his mind is made up there is nothing you can do to help he is a enabeling her, helping her be an addict and giving her permission by helping her and loving her (what he thinks is love) to use him and do drugs.... I sugguest that you tell him exactally how you feel and that he should maybe seek some help, like a alanon or narcanon or couseling (thats for people who are affected by people who use drugs and alcohol) Beyond that I know it is painful but there is nothing you can do. Unless she crosses legal lines you can call the police.... I am sorry for your situation and I hope your dad sees the real truth.

A friend of mine a while ago used to have that happen to us all the time we called it Cosmic Jukebox... Ya it's cool allright and as far as controlling or advancing it I don't think it can be. I just think to keep an open mind and recognize it is all we can do. There is a pattern to life and everything happens in life for a reason, somtimes we might not like the reason. As far as dreams i really think that some are precognitive and some are just our subconscience cleansing itself of our guilts, wishes, thoughts, etc.... that one is confusing.. go with your gut. Maybe your dream of your ex is reoccurring cause thats what you want more than anything. Wish you the best. Wendella

I've only been on this board for a few days but I must say I love it. All of you members are so honest and real. I think more people feel this way than they let on. If you go out into the world and really look people in the eyes you will see this. Unfortunately the world is full of pain and suffering. Some brought on by ourselves, other just the cards we were dealt. I totally agree with the comment about self medicating our depression. Before I started to use drugs and alcohol, i to used to cut my arms just enough to feel it. I was about 14-15 then. It made me feel better. I recently read that why that makes us feel better and is addicting is that when we are hurt or hurt ourselves the natural reaction releases our natural opiates (natural pain killers we all have in our bodies) into our systems. Just FYI. As far as feeling comfortable in our pain, i totally hear that. I don't know why i am but i almost despise being happy at times. Go figure that one out. I think maybe whoever said it was about self-pity might be on to something. It is what we know we are used to, and we feel sorry for ourselves. I think if something bad has happened to us, it's ok to be sad for ourselves, and we should grieve, but if it goes into self -pity and thats all we concentrate on we need to talk to someone about it. Just my 2 cents. I wish you all the best. Wendella

Way to go Nenez, Kudos!!! Reading your post gave me a boost, you are inspiring. I think women need to remember they are goddesses. Thanks. Say to yourself and mean it girls....I am a worthwhile woman and I deserve to be loved and respected!!! Wish you all the best. Wendella

I am so glad you responded! Well not to be dramatic but it was - I pretty much got to a point where I wasn't getting high anymore, it wasn't working to dull my emotional pain or make me happy. I was just using to not be sick. It is a downward spiral, a dead end and a vicious circle. I wanted to die so bad I wished that i would OD, I didn't have the guts to do it myself, I was afriad to. I had tried to get help at a hospital a few times but they said I would have to go to inpatient treatment. I thought I didn't need that, I wasn't that bad off. While I was crossing my moral boundries to get drugs and money, I would lie to stangers to get "traveling" money to get home, steal, and sleep with people I didn't want to, didn't talk to my family for almost 2 years but I wasn't that bad!! When in fact I was near the end. I am 5'8" and I think I weighed less than 110 lbs. I couldn't even wear a size 4 it was too big. I never ate, heroin was my food, my god, everything I lived for. After Christmas in 2002 I hadn't eaten in a week and I knew I was either going to die shortly, which I wanted, or have to really get some help. I called the hostpital again and the same man i talked to when i had gone before helped me, he told me his story, how in the 70's he was a junkie and how he had been clean like 20 some years. I set up a date to go to treatment and he gave me a number to call. It was do or die. The morning I was suppose to go, even after all that, I almost didn't go. I hesitated and the lady said that they only had one bed left and if I didn't take it now she couldn't get me in for months. (I later found out that they had plenty of beds and were hardly ever full on the women's side) That lie might have saved my life. I got there and I was sick already, I had to wait for 24 hours to get any methadone. What they did was for about 22 days i was on a dose of methadone then they brought the doses slowly down. It still sucked really, really bad and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but it wasn't like the "wanting to peel your skin off" sick you get from pain killers and heroin. I finally was clean and it was so hard to face reality. The job of the treatment center is to get the drugs and alcohol out of our bodies and give us the first stone to step on, but I can tell you if a person doesn't do something to ensure their sobriety after treatment it will not work. I thought I was so bad off when I got there, but in my group I heard stories that would make my skin crawl. There was this girl from New York who was like 19 and her older boyfriend would sell her to drug dealers and other guys to get money and heroin. He beat her up all the time he was trash. He ended up ODing in front of her and she came back to Minnesota to get clean. But after all that she wanted to kill herself to go be with a man that abused her like that. There also was this guy that was like 65 he was so sweet and had a daughter that loved him so much. He was a cronic alcoholic, he was so physically sick that he couldn't get out of bed to get cigs and liqour anymore, so his daughter did it for him, he went to the hospital cause his liver and pancreas were deteriorating, but he still wanted to drink, he would die from drinking. It is a disease. Alcoholism and drug addiction has nothing to do with being a bad person or not having morals. I was so ashamed of myself for so long and hated myself for what i did to my life. My body doesn't act the same to drugs and alcohol. Some people can just do them and it doens't effect them. But for me I am wired differently, I want more and more and more. It may take years to get to that point and it may sound crazy to someone who thinks that they can control it still but it always ends up where it is controlling you. I sound like some preacher but I am not religious at all, I do believe that somewhere, something, someone is looking out for me. I couldn't tell you what it was if i tried. I just write this stuff so if I even help one person by telling my story, i reached my goal. So anyway the withdrawl i got help with and then I joined a program. I hated it at first and thought all the people were like a cult, and they thought they were so much better than me. I still hate the program some days but i still go and i feel better after i go, if i let it help me. Someone always says something that i need to hear. If you totally hate it at first go two more times to that one and then try another one, but give it a chance. You may find someone you can help too. My life is not all peaches and cream but at least now I am making it better instead of making it worse and by hearing stories of people who used longer than me I know it can get much worse. If I go back out there i can look forward to living under bridges, getting gang raped, getting beat up, going to jail, going insane, and maybe if i was lucky, dying. Death is the easy way out when a person is an addict, living in the addiction is much much worse. I hope this helps. You can fill that aching empty hole you have inside you, I know what it feels like i've had it there all my life. Find a good sober friend that has been clean for a while and trust her and tell her all your secrets, and then find another sober friend and do the same. Then you can help another woman who may be hurting herself with chemicals. It's the circle of life, they say that no matter how far down the scale we have gone we can always help another by telling our story. You are really not alone and someone, somewhere, knows your pain and can feel ya. For the first time I know I belong. That tiny piece of hope can grow and you can save your life and others lives. I wish you the very best. Wendella

Not to scare you but he is preying on her. There is something askew here. It is not good for her to be friends with him. I was friends with a man when I was 14 and he was 36, I think, he ended up raping me at gun point. I know that my case may be extreme, but he wants something from her. He is using her naivety and trust to convince her is wants to be friends. In all reality he wants to have sex with her, that is all, period. And sometimes people just take what they want. Men that are older and try for younger women have something wrong with them, they may be into drinking or drugs, they may be a sexual deviant, the list goes on, but he is not around people his own age which is not right. He may be a predator. And definantly tell her parents, because it is illegal!!!! I wish her and you the best. Wendella

wow i totally feel the way you do life cannot be just doing out 8 hours a day and all that there has to be more to it than this - i truly believe that i have tried to narrow down what I am suppose to be doing and have asked for it to be revealed to me - but nothing hmmm still waiting and wanting more - maybe i have to go find it myself Wish you the best Wendella