New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do

[reinventmyself]

I see all sides.

I understand the desire for the new mom to want her mother's support and honestly the baby shouldn't be exposed to other small children (or alot of people for that matter) to some extent in the first days.

 

Having two toddlers running a muck and grandpa running the show is a little insensitive given the situation.

 

Not sure why grandpa has such disdain for the new dad and what words were exchanged to get grandpa to go so low with those comments,

but ultimately it was just a hot mess. Everyone is wrong. You are responsible for your choice of responses and tell them TGFO is going to be really hard to step back from.

 

I agree that the new mom should have had a private conversation with grandma and expressed her personal wishes. You paint her as having no say in this, but I'll argue she could have confided in her mother, period.

 

If it doesn't go the way she wants it, then you kindly thank everyone for their support and tell the family you want some time alone to bond.

Be the bigger man and apologize for your actions. It doesn't negate theirs, but own your responsibility for this going sideways.

Clean up your end.

[tattoobunnie]

One, congrats!!!

 

Two, wow, get a grip! A newborn has two parents. Regardless if there are breastfeeding issues, your baby will get undivided attention from you, the mom, or their grandparents over the course of the time, and for the rest of their lives.

 

Your In-Laws are not lactation consultants, so I fail to see how those are even connected.

 

And, some advice on nursing in the beginning until you establish a good supply, have her drink at least 70 to 100 oz of water a day (eat more carbs and oatmeal). Have her try multiple holds, and always nurse on demand no matter what the 1st month to 3+ months (if possible). Also try self massage while nursing.

 

And third, you do realize you are crippling FREE BABYSITTING for date nights over the fact your kid's cousins were getting a chance to meet each other?

 

You have a WHOLE WORLD OF PARENTING hurdles coming your way. From food, illnesses, teething, sleep training, potty training!!! I would not sweat over something like the fact YOUR NIECES WERE THERE TO MEET THEIR COUSIN. Plus, 3 and 5 years olds are super entertaining to babies. In 100%, you ruined their meeting together, and time with the baby's grandparents because you are convinced only your baby deserves all the attention.

 

Sure, they got all the attention, but your kid wasn't born yet, so it's no one's fault. I would so apologize to your in-laws and your nieces like yesterday.

[Wiseman2]

Congratulations! Be easy on yourselves. Stick together as parents, support each other. There's a new kid on the block and this little one needs both of you to be at your best at a time it's the most difficult. No sleep, if/maybe sex, hormones, money, in-laws, diapers, etc. There will be some trying times ahead. Things blow over, but the when it all seems to be too much, just watch him sleeping and it will all be worth your while.

[olenka79]

Hi :) First my congratulations , you are having a first baby boy !! However happy that time is, it can be stresful for both you and your wife. With my first baby I thought I will need so much help but my mother in law coming often made me very stress. From diffferent reasons like: luck of nessesary nap time etc., her trying to care for baby in her own way that was different from what I planned. I end up kindly asking her not to come or only for short visits for her own pleasure to see baby because I quickly realised both me and my husband are more relax and more happy just dealing with baby ourself and after couple of weeks he came back to work and I was happy just being with baby myself. I would sleep when baby was sleeping and I enjoyed this time so much. What I am trying to say is ask yourself do you really need that help now, it seems like it is causing you and I am sure your wife too more stress than nessesary. Believe me majority of parents are totally equipt to take care of their first baby themselves , you and your wife have to trust yourselves more. Less stress is also better for breastfeeding and often napping with baby can improve breastfeeding too. I am breastfeeding my second baby for second year now and I was breastfeeding my first one for 2 years as well. Could you describe your wife breastfeeding problem. I know how hard are first weeks of breastfeeding but soon it will be much better. Some woman have problem with to much milk supply (I can definatelly give some advice about what to do in that situation) , some woman have problem with not enough supply. First 4 months of baby life are though and if somebody says otherwise they just forgot. However I think it will make your relationship stronger if you guys do it together and support each other. About your in laws maybe you should not expect from them to be perfect , obviously non of us are perfect. I also hope they will understand your stress in this new siituation. One of the main causes of stress is trying to be perfect , and that temptation is very strong with first baby. Guess what , you not going to be a perfect parent but you can be a great parent if you relax a little bit. I wish you a wonderful time with your new baby as new dad and best wishes for mommy :)

[sophie274]

Congratulations on your new arrival!

 

It sounds like there is a lot of resentment there from whatever happened with your nieces and in-laws before you and your wife were able to have a baby. I don’t know what the full story is, but it might be worth thinking over whether your in-laws truly refused to give you the time of day while lavishing attention on their grandkids, or if they were just happy and excited new grandparents. In my experience, many people are thrilled to become grandparents and many I know have rearranged large parts of their lives around seeing, spending time with and caring for their grandchildren.

 

I agree with many others that you and your wife are lucky to have the support of her parents. I know many people who had mom come stay with them after birth so I don’t find it unusual or excessive, as many here seem to. However, I do think in exchange for the almost 24/7 support you have to be willing to compromise and play nice. After all, they’re not hired help. I agree that it would ideally be it’s up to your wife to communicate with her mom what would be most helpful and to figure out with them how to strike a happy medium if helping out but also being able to spend their time on other pursuits or not feeling like they are at your beck and call.

 

As far as the comments about your parenting, without hearing the comments and the tone it’s hard to know if he is trying to be helpful or truly trying to put you down. I suppose in your shoes I would 1 - take a deep breath and assume the best, 2 - search for any useful nugget in what is being said and 3 - bring it up if you continue to feel put down “I really appreciate your help and advice. Sometimes it sounds like criticism and I feel hurt. I’m new at this and trying my best”. I think something like that is a nice way of letting them know how you feel without assuming it is purposeful and without accusing them, and hopefully would get a good response.

[ChasingHope]

. The truth is: they have ignored us for 5 years now with their preexisting grandchildren, and essentially give us the middle finger.

 

While you do seem entitled in your thinking that her parents have some sort of obligation as caregivers for your newborn, I think a large issue in this whole situation is how you view you the two little girls. You seem to be very resentful of them – first because you were having challenges conceiving, and now because your perception is that they are taking attention away from your son. Whiile it would have been respectful to ask you and your wife as new parents if they could bring their granddaughters over, I think that the animosity you have towards them extends far beyond this situation. Given that you are married to their aunt, this makes you their uncle, but not once did you refer to them as your nieces. It speaks a lot to how you feel about them, and if you want your inlaws in your life (even if it’s just for babysitting purposes) you should probably work on how you are going to coexist with your brother in law and his children as I doubt they are going to be any less important to the grandparents, or less attention will be given to them, even with the introduction of your son.

[tattoobunnie]

you're absolutely right.

 

what does that even mean make more of an effort? how?

 

It means, do you take the moment to listen to what they are saying, or are you more focused on what you plan to say next? I had this issue. It always helps to take a deep breath, and just focus on what they are saying. Sometimes we can interpret things that totally mean something else. I also find that when something really, really irks at it, there is a bit of truth to it, and that's why it drives you mad. Cuz if it wasn't true, then big whoop if someone is saying what they're saying.

 

Always give them the benefit of a doubt. You love your wife, and they raised her, so I'm sure they did something right. Just always remember that.

 

Again, pick your battles. If it's not your in-laws, it's teachers, your kid's friends, their parents, other relatives...I know you want the best for kid, and who doesn't, but you need to learn to take a deep breath, and just roll with some things, especially when they come from a good place even when you don't see it.

 

Your kid picks up and learns everything from you, how you treat family, others, help, teachers, strangers. Even though you may not get along with your in-laws, teaching your kids tolerance, appreciation, and kindness goes along way.

 

Don't get me wrong - imminent danger, those with reckless behavior, druggies, cruel, selfish, stingy people - that's what you pounce on and kick out. But your in-laws because they brought your kid's cousins??? I know you are a NEW PARENT and want THE BEST, but man, pick your battles. Parenting is CRAZY. That will not be one of them.

[Seraphim]

While you do seem entitled in your thinking that her parents have some sort of obligation as caregivers for your newborn, I think a large issue in this whole situation is how you view you the two little girls. You seem to be very resentful of them – first because you were having challenges conceiving, and now because your perception is that they are taking attention away from your son. Whiile it would have been respectful to ask you and your wife as new parents if they could bring their granddaughters over, I think that the animosity you have towards them extends far beyond this situation. Given that you are married to their aunt, this makes you their uncle, but not once did you refer to them as your nieces. It speaks a lot to how you feel about them, and if you want your inlaws in your life (even if it’s just for babysitting purposes) you should probably work on how you are going to coexist with your brother in law and his children as I doubt they are going to be any less important to the grandparents, or less attention will be given to them, even with the introduction of your son.

Thank you . It is not these girls’ fault they were born nor that you had troubles conceiving. They are innocent kids and OF COURSE their grandparents love them. I don’t resent my nieces because I had 4 miscarriages.

 

Your kid won’t get less love unless you keep up your attitude.

[Batya33]

I have a ten year old. When our son was born breastfeeding did not work out and then I had a serious physical-medical condition and at that point I had to stop trying as the meds I needed might have gotten into my supply. Our parents lived about a half hour from us for the first 6 months (after that, 800 miles or so and we had no family to where we moved). Our parents loved us and their new grandchild and were unable to help because of age and/or disabilities (late 70s-early 80s, 3 of the 4 had significant mental or physical disabilities). I never ever ever felt entitled to their help. I was thrilled they wanted to see the baby and they helped so much financially (we didn't need financial help I mean just in the way of giving us gifts -so nice) and just being there without us asking for their help. We had other cousins and friends and family members help at various times. But not with the baby. Ever. My mother was able to stay with the baby for 2 hours when I had a doctor's appointment. My husband had to start traveling after two weeks.

 

So yes I take the point of those who get how overwhelming it is to be new parents -I get it!! - I feel you - AND I think you had unrealistic and unfair expectations of the grandparents especially your inlaws. You are SO LUCKY to have this free help and from people who are over the moon about their grandchild. And yes your inlaws should not have had these young children with them around your newborn especially but again you are looking at this as if you are paying them, as if they are hired people to help. If hired -sure -your house, your rules. If you don't want people around the baby or come over -your house your rules. But even if they made a mistake they've gone wayyyyyy out of their way to help you -and don't do the comparison game with the other kids. My mother was able to help my sister with her 4 kids because she was younger at the time and my father was doing better. So many reasons. You come across as way too entitled .

 

Looking back I wish I'd hired a mother's helper or someone -we had a post partum doula for 30 hours in the first 12 days who was basically useless - I was too paranoid to have a stranger around, I wasn't organized enough and you know what -I made it through ok even with all the solo parenting of a newborn. And no breastfeeding did not work out and that was a major disappointment. I get that your MIL is able to help your child latch - but that's not a permanent solution - she can help but you're going to need a way for your wife to get help from a paid consultant and/or someone else- not fair to put this on your MIL's shoulders.

 

All the best to you and congratulations !

[boltnrun]

Judging from your previous thread, you DESPISE your inlaws. I think you even nearly came to blows with your BIL.

 

Why invite them to stay, then?

[SherrySher]

but they quickly ruined that and have now left.

 

They quickly ruined that? No...YOU ruined that. They are allowed to have their other grandchildren around, they don't need to ask you for permission.

 

It's not the grandparents job to be there and help out. They were doing YOU a favour.

 

And then you have the audacity to speak to them that way!! You are a serious hothead and you need to cool your jets.

 

I'm sorry, but you were in the wrong, not them.

 

You should be apologizing.

[Hollyj]

While you do seem entitled in your thinking that her parents have some sort of obligation as caregivers for your newborn, I think a large issue in this whole situation is how you view you the two little girls. You seem to be very resentful of them – first because you were having challenges conceiving, and now because your perception is that they are taking attention away from your son. Whiile it would have been respectful to ask you and your wife as new parents if they could bring their granddaughters over, I think that the animosity you have towards them extends far beyond this situation. Given that you are married to their aunt, this makes you their uncle, but not once did you refer to them as your nieces. It speaks a lot to how you feel about them, and if you want your inlaws in your life (even if it’s just for babysitting purposes) you should probably work on how you are going to coexist with your brother in law and his children as I doubt they are going to be any less important to the grandparents, or less attention will be given to them, even with the introduction of your son.

 

I think the relationship with his own parents is having an impact: favouritism with the brother.

[SherrySher]

Possibly or it could be steroid use. Tempers seem to flare when using them. Also problems with his parents doesn't give him a right to talk to his wife's parents this way.

[Rose Mosse]

How is your wife and son doing now? I think it was a bit of an odd choice to bring the young girls but it shouldn't have spiraled out this way. I'm not clear if the grandparents had a choice either. What if their parents were indisposed (ill, away, house under renos or some other difficulty). The girls would see that animosity and wonder why the world works that way - why their family members react that way to each other. I think my first questions would be out of concern for the girls and what's going on with their home/how's their parents. I wouldn't have the heart to turn them away and would see them as one of my own. It wouldn't have been the best timing either but it might have been a wonderful opportunity to introduce the girls to their little cousin too after the lactation issues had settled.

 

I'd be so sad if I were your wife. This is too much for a new mother to worry about in her first days home. I don't think it's too late to apologize or turn over a new leaf. The only people you're really hurting is yourself and your immediate family (wife and son in the long run). I know getting along with family is not always the easiest but it really does help having a supportive and loving family. I hope you get to feel peace eventually from all this.

[Hollyj]

Possibly or it could be steroid use. Tempers seem to flare when using them. Also problems with his parents doesn't give him a right to talk to his wife's parents this way.

 

Of course it doesn't give him a right. Where did I say that? I was simply saying that he may have carried over the insecurities into the wife's family. It is not normal to behave in this manner.

[saluk]

Have you thought about taking an anger management class. The in-laws are probably really annoying. But it sounds (from a distance) like you're taking a 6 to an 11. And have been for a while (which has a way of compounding, because each perceived insult and slight feels worse than the last).

[LootieTootie]

I get it... I have challenging family dynamics too.

 

But if this is your wife's family, you need to accept that it's not your place to scold their good intentions, even as her husband. Those are her parents and she is the one who needs her mom's help.

Secondly, I would apologize to the in-laws how you handled the situation.

Third, you have to know every action has a reaction... for you, it may mean walking on egg shells when you're around your in-laws and the little girls, or maybe your wife's hidden resentment for scaring off the only FREE help.

 

Just know if your child was older, this sort of blow up between you and grandparents only detriments the child's relationship with their grandparents. As a parent you want to be mindful of how impressionable and naive children are. If you want your child to have a good relationship with the grandparents, you are the bridge. It's important you help foster that relationship if they're good grandparents.

[Cherylyn]

Congratulations on the birth of your new son and congratulations to your wife and new family, too!

 

I think you're at fault here in the way you mishandled the whole situation. Instead of arguing, you could've calmly asked them not to have brought their 2 granddaughters. If they insisted upon their granddaughters staying, you could've thought it was only for a few days and in the future made a specific request not to return with the granddaughters in tow. Also, when they criticized you for exercising in your own home and dashing out for a quick haircut, you didn't have to explode and then send them on their way after you said to GTFO of your house! You sound like an ogre. You can't control other people's behavior but you could've controlled yours by preventing your explosive temper!

 

I do agree though that the parents should've helped with chores, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning, etc. while they were there. That was the purpose of their visit after all. Not, bring 2 granddaughters. The house should've been kept quiet for a sleeping baby. Background racket, noise, TV and voices are bad for a baby's brain development. The baby needs peace and quiet during its sleep time.

 

You should make amends by sincerely apologizing to your in-laws for your outburst and how you should've spoken to them calmly. I know it wasn't right for them to criticize you for working out and getting a haircut but you could've responded calmly and defensively without getting ugly about it. You could've been well mannered, polite and civil. You need to guard your words wisely otherwise you'll regret it as you realize this now. Plus, once you burn bridges, you make it that much harder for your wife to get back into her parents' good graces, too. Think about that. Don't ruin relationships for everyone including your son. Don't be so selfish and only think about your relationship with your in-laws. Think how your regrettable words impact your wife and son's relationships with them in the future.

 

Since your in-laws have since packed their bags and left, you are the one who needs be the supportive husband and new dad especially during the newborn stage.

 

Even though my in-laws and mother reside locally, they didn't live with me to help me or my husband and the new baby. We were on our own except my mother worked full time yet delivered home cooked meals to my house every week for months which was a huge help. My in-laws didn't help but that's ok. My husband grocery shopped, cooked, did laundry, cleaned the house, ran errands, did other chores, tasks and picked up the slack for me as should YOU. That is YOUR job as a new father and husband.

 

I recommend a lactation consultant from your hospital or community as others have mentioned. Look into La Leche Leagues in your community for lactation support for your wife. Correct latching is important and propping the baby on a pillow if your wife is sitting upright which helps tired arms. Make sure your wife eats 3 meals plus snacks because in order to produce liquid gold, she needs to put in the fuel. Also have her drink 16 oz of water before each feeding. She needs to maintain hydration around-the-clock. The more she nurses, the more milk she'll produce. The less she nurses, the less milk she will produce. This is Mother Nature's supply and demand system. Eventually, she will become your baby's dairy.

 

She can layer frozen milk with new milk, put back in the freezer, fill up each bottle, date and freeze bottles for future use in case she needs to leave the house for a hair cut, appointments and such. Defrost milk by soaking bottle in warm water, shake bottle and see if it had defrosted. Having frozen bottles will be convenient in case you and your wife wish to go out for dinner and the baby has milk for a babysitter for a few hours.

 

Don't resent the past such as how your in-laws treated you 5 years ago. Don't hold grudges. Focus on your new family, your wife and child. Keep moving forward.

 

Enforce healthy boundaries. No more spending the night with the in-laws and their brood. Keep visits brief whether they visit you or you visit them. That's what my husband and I did when my two sons were tiny and little.

[catfeeder]

Congratulations to you and your wife on your new baby. I can appreciate that your in laws may be irritating, but they are your wife's family and they raised her into the woman you love. Credit them for that, and always check your frustration by questioning whether you 'must' escalate it by giving voice to it--and what, exactly, you expect to accomplish by doing so.

 

You've accomplished a rift that was unnecessary and now has added stress to your wife's attempts to nurse and care for your baby. So I would challenge myself to rise above the battlefield and clean up that mess. I'd phone FIL, I'd apologize, and I would NOT qualify that apology with ANYthing beyond admitting to my own behavior being stressed and out of line. Whether FIL responds as you'd hope or not is irrelevant. Keep your attitude in check, and offer him the time to consider your apology and thank him for hearing it. Period.

 

You owe your wife and child--and yourself--the ability to behave in a mature and responsible manner regardless of whether others can rise to the same standard. Your vision needs to come from the perspective of the highest ground and the wisest decisions for all involved, and this means recognizing that you are adopting sanity in the face of the provincial limits of family.

 

Either you're up for that challenge, or reach for the help and support of professionals who can guide you there. Lowering yourself to the level of sandbox fighting over stupid stuff means that you're placing too much value on the capacity of others to behave ideally--and guess what? That puts you at an extreme disadvantage and eliminates YOUR ability to adopt the role of the beneficent adult in the room.

 

Don't misinterpret ignorance as deliberate disrespect. This check will place your trigger securely within your own control, and you will thank yourself later.

[Andrina]

How should you have handled it? "Mother-in-law, daughter is asking for your help. How about I take the kids out for ice-cream/to the playground/to the backyard to play, so you can do that?"

 

If people have offered their help, it's okay to ask for what would help, i.e., grocery shopping, cooking, laundry. Who will do what, including you. If mom and baby are napping, it's okay to make plans for ensuring the other children are involved in quiet activities at that time. Children can understand when told that it's quiet time so the baby can sleep, and if they won't, you can always ask that they be brought for an outing until the baby's nap time is over.

 

It's all about asking in a respectful way. You have to bite your tongue with people who will be in your life for a lifetime, even if they annoy you. In person, apologize to your in-laws and tell them that you were overwhelmed with the stress of bringing a new baby home who is having problems breastfeeding, and tell them you will never behave that poorly ever again.

[SherrySher]

Of course it doesn't give him a right. Where did I say that?

 

Never stated that you said that. I was giving my opinion on it.

[LC8328]

Hi.

 

I went through your old threads and found the one where you said your in-laws were driving you nuts.

 

After having gone through that thread again, I remember you. This was in February when you were painting the baby's room and your BIL saw you sitting down for one second and said to get the F back to work. Etc etc etc.

 

I'm not going to rehash what everyone else has already said - I think there's been some pretty good advice on here. But I want to add, the dynamic between you and your in-laws are a cause for concern and seem to have been developing over time. It also sounds multi-faceted and that the "root" or "roots" of this two-way hostility is not an easily-resolved issue. I don't think I have enough coffee in my system to figure out why this issue exists - my guess it's a variety of things from both ends that have sprung up over the years. Or maybe you and her family just don't plain get along. I don't know.

 

So IMO the logical thing to do would be to not emotionally invest in them. Be civil with them, and when they say their catty remarks, let it go in one ear and out the other. They don't hold any world records for being kind to you, but they are family. Your son's family. Trust me, ppl all over the world have to deal with relatives of our kids whom we don't like.

 

I also think you should apologize to your in-laws. Look, I know it sucks. But I don't think we should focus on who's at fault. Now that you're a parent, you'll see a lot of grey areas in everyday situations. I think it would be a good olive branch to let them know that you want to at least be on civil terms with them, because you want them to be in your child's life, no? Hey, I know they're not perfect. But unless they're sociopaths who care about no one but themselves, I think this would be a good gesture on your part.

 

I do agree they should have asked you first before taking along your nieces. It's your house after all. But again, focusing on the 'who's right about this' and 'who's wrong about that' will not help you right now. I guarantee your wife is extremely stressed out right now, what with the breastfeeding issues and then this feud between her husband and her family.

 

I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry you have to deal with such animosity. I think the best thing to do would be to put up those walls so you don't get overly upset when (not if) they do or say something that angers you. Be civil to them and take some time for yourself to breathe in an "in-law free zone" once in a while for the sake of your sanity.

 

I wish I had a better answer for you. But I believe you can navigate these waters for the sake of your little family. Oh and congrats!!!

 

~LC

[Seraphim]

[video=youtube_share;y--syZR0u1E]

This video has some good hints on latching.

 

I will say too that an upset and stressed mom won’t have a good let down for her milk so chill your environment.

[SherrySher]

Or bottle feed.

 

Many women do. Some can't due to no milk or illness, or time constraint, etc. It's not a big deal. Their children still grow up to be strong, healthy adults.

 

I get that your wife wants to breastfeed but its not the end of the world if it doesn't happen.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, if someone wanted to come VISIT the baby - that is wildly different than coming to HELP with the baby.

When they brought the girls, now you and your wife are hosting and expected to entertain. They are VISITING and you are playing host vs coming to "help with the baby so you can work and your wife can sleep or actually get a shower in". You have 4 more people in the house vs 2 more people. If they spend the night, that's two more beds.

 

It wasn't handled well on anyone's side.

 

I think you have to set boundaries "Would you like to come VISIT the baby" -- that means the stay is shorter and whatever help they give is bonus.

Or when they said they were bringing the girls you or your wife could have said "although i am sure that the girls want to see the baby, that's a lot for us right now, how about we invite the girls another time or you stay with them just the one night?