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saluk

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Everything posted by saluk

  1. You are posting in a dating advice forum. If you don't want advice, post instead in the journal section. But the advice isn't blame and judgement. Maybe you aren't ready to hear advice, and that's understandable. You're really hurting right now, and really looking for someone to blame, so advice sounds like people are blaming you. It really isn't - but from the outside there isn't anything that calling the guy a jerk can change about the situation. The advice is, is if you are tired of being used by men, there are changes you can make to your approach. You've tried listening to your heart over logic time and again, and you end up hurt and defeated, crying about the next guy who plays you. We all go through patterns and have to learn the same lesson multiple times. Everyone has a different destructive pattern, but most of us have something. Mine was waiting to make a move until it was too late out of a fear of rejection that would ultimately come true because of the position I put myself in. I made a simple change. I would go with my first instinct, and ask someone out when I first felt like asking them out instead of waiting for the "perfect" moment. If I was going to be rejected anyway, instead of waiting a long time and being rejected, wouldn't it be better to be rejected right away before I felt things very deeply? What a change it made, and I feel like I can divide my dating life into the time before I tried the new thing and the time after. (I probably have a new pattern, but I'm not self-aware enough yet to know what it is haha) Your pattern seems to be, from what you've posted, looking for reasons to ignore red flags. When you see a red flag, you have an initial reaction that you don't want anything to do with the guy. But then, when the guy says something different, you try and look past it and believe what the guy tells you. You hope that maybe this time the guy is telling the truth. You disregard your initial impression and try to cover that up with blind trust. Now, clearly the guys have been very charming and insistent in their pursuit of you. So yeah they suck. But here's the thing - you thought they sucked at the beginning. If you want to break out of this pattern, you need to learn to trust. Not trust some guy who tells you what you are hoping to hear, because you really want the red flag to not be there so you can be with someone who otherwise seems amazing. Trust yourself and your ability to recognize a situation that isn't best for you. If a guy has recently gotten out of a relationship, he isn't going to be as devoted to you as you deserve. You know all the other red flags that have bothered you in the past. You've had some bad experiences that you didn't deserve. And while you can't avoid all bad experiences, you can say no when your gut says you should, and not let some fool keep trying to sway your heart and make you go against your own judgement. You don't need any more "not again" situations.
  2. In a followup reply a few pages ago he mentioned they had a discussion about it... though there wasn't much communication to be had as it sounds like the OP just said "hey your doing this terrible thing aren't you" and she said "yes" and shut the conversation down. To the OP... your best bet from here on is to talk to your girlfriend more. Try to ask her about what she does in a way that doesn't accuse her and have an open mind about what she says. Then you can tell her again about your views on porn, and you can decide together whether this is something you are going to try to work through, or if it's a big enough dealbreaker that you are both better off finding someone more compatible. You probably aren't going to feel better by just trying to get over it on your own or ignoring the problem.
  3. Empty is good. You have to clean out the moldy container before you can put something good in it again.
  4. I watch porn and my girlfriend knows - it came up pretty early. She doesn't really care what I do on my own time, as long as I'm not addicted. I don't for the life of me know why, but a lot of people are into the incest videos on porn. It's not that weird of a thing to be into. On one of the most well known porn sites even with no viewing history that genre appears often in the featured section. Porn is not real life. It's exaggerated. We don't watch violent action movies because we like violent action. We watch them because they are fun to watch and get adrenaline flowing. Sometimes the taboos can make it more exciting for people, and porn is all about pure excitement. That's different from sex which is about mutual sharing, enjoyment, and connection. The genre I gravitate to most is group... which, ew, I wouldn't want to go near in real life.
  5. Trying to be friends with this person is like going to a bar during the coronavirus and hoping you don't get sick.
  6. Is this the same person you posted about a year ago when you thought things were over? How did that situation resolve?
  7. I was out sick with laryngitis for a month before this hit, and now they want me to stay home another 2+ weeks? Really annoying timing, but I have to count myself lucky that I generally like being alone. My girlfriend got sick and it's only a week but she's missing people terribly. She especially misses me because she didn't see me much while I was sick. Also lucky that neither of us has corona. Since I was already quarantined I wasn't anywhere that I would have caught it, and it seems like she managed to miss it even though there was someone in her office who had it. The big thing now is we are hoping her school will close as they are one of the only schools in the area that hasn't. It's putting a strain on a lot of the employees, and the students as well, especially knowing someone there had already tested positive. The thing that sucks the most for me is that I'm in a community orchestra and I was so looking forward to the songs we were practicing for the winter season. We had gotten everything ready but then had to cancel all of our performances (we perform our concerts for free in rest homes, which is where people have been dying from covid). We started looking at our spring music, but now had to cancel our practices as well. We may not be able to play together again until fall. Music being one of my main non-video game hobbies I'm feeling a lot less well-rounded all of a sudden. But I feel silly complaining when so many are struggling with genuine financial and health related worries. I'm healthy, and even though I felt the drop in the stock market, I'm rich enough to be able to feel that drop so it's all kinda relative. And my job is very work from home friendly so I have no actual personal worries. When my girlfriend is better we're going to try and see how we can help others who are actually struggling.
  8. I remember this feeling well from my high school crushes. What a waste of time and energy. I wish I had just dated one of the other girls who liked me instead of fawning over someone who didn't. I bet you I would have gotten over my crush fast if I had tried to live my life as it truly existed at that time, rather than living an imaginary life in my head. Real life, with all of it's highs and lows, is better than the fairy tale. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 27 because I was always pining for someone who wasn't into me. Let me tell you, as awkward as I imagine dating is when you are younger, it has to be much more awkward going through so many firsts as late in life as I did. What are you going to do with yourself to avoid the same fate?
  9. Not mentioning you are pregnant again is a huge detail you left out. Whose decision was it to start having unprotected sex and trying to get pregnant after less than a year of knowing each other. Wanting kids in general is one thing, actively trying to get pregnant with a brand new relationship is something else. He's not good at expressing his feelings and you may not be a good listener yet. Communication skills can take time to build. Kids and miscarriages and living together is a huge strain on a relationship that has not yet solidified. (They are a strain on any relationship)
  10. If you are obsessed with something, the obsession tends to grow when you feed it your energy, and shrink when you feed that energy into other things. What else is going on in your life? Do you have anything you can put your energy into besides dreaming about your dream boy? Activities outside of school, or clubs you can join in school to occupy your extra time there? If you do want to experiment with dating while a teenager, just because you are really into this guy doesn't mean you have to wait around for him. Find someone else to explore dating with who you aren't obsessed with. It can be fun and who knows, maybe when you are having a good time with another guy your feelings toward a fantasy may not feel so big. As a last point... how do you know it would be unrequieted? Sometimes the quickest way to get over a feeling like this is to get it out in the open. See if he would consider going on a date with you. Have a friend ask for you if you are too afraid to ask in person. If he turns you down, you will know. Harder to wonder about a future with someone who rejected you. Good luck, being a teenager is hard stuff. In a few years, this won't matter nearly as much to you as it does now, even though it feels so big.
  11. Imagine if he was dealing with a heroin addiction instead of a sexy IG girl obsession. "Surely he's going to have to drop his addiction at some point. So why can't he get free of drugs for me?" If he'd rather lose you than give up instagram, it's really not about you, and it's probably not going to change anytime soon.
  12. It is normal to make progress and then pass touchpoints (anniversaries, steps forward out of your comfort zone) that make you look back and while you are looking back it is so easy to teleport back into those old habits and feelings. It doesn't discount the progress you've made just because you can still go back there easily. Part of what may be missing is the last thing you said, that you still haven't cultivated enough in your day to day life to attach yourself to the now, which makes it more easy to slip into the past. You have thought about the future a little bit, such as trying dating sites, but figuring out how to cultivate some structure now will help you have something external to fall back on in those moments where you would find it easy to emotionally wander.
  13. You are both right. You can't really be friends - you are obsessed with her in a way that she can't reciprocate. And, you can't really have the relationship you'd like to have with someone who is still an addict. For a time you were a balm to each other, a way to soothe during some painful moments in each others lives. As often happens, this soothing didn't last - and you will need to find a way to get deep into your own issues and find true healing. The best way to start doing that is to stop looking her up and stop contacting her. Her blocking you is a gift in disguise, though a painful one. Keep working and here's hoping you find a happier phase of your life after the divorce.
  14. Good for you for everything you have been doing to try to move on through this difficult time. I'm sorry most of all about the problems you had with childbirth. That probably affected your relationship - but it sounds like you were the one who really wanted this relationship to work and were always trying to convince him to come along with you. He stayed when he did because he cares about you but not because he was in love with you. That's just not something that can work over the long haul. You both have to want it. Keep staying away and doing things to avoid contact. How is the bleeding? It's been a few months. Have you managed to get to a doctor to be checked out yet?
  15. Focus on him and not you. See if *he* is the one who is doing something that is going to put *you* off.
  16. There are aspects to a crush like this that are harder than moving on from an encounter that you have had the chance to actually explore. Go easy on yourself and let yourself process the pain. You spent a lot of time building up something that was never going to happen in your mind. Since it is all in your mind, it will take some time to dismantle that imaginary foundation that has been shaken. The key thing is that it was imaginary. You never really found out if you like him or not because it was mostly about the possibility - and in fact his interactions with you have been pretty lame! He's a jerk, not a catch. Even if you don't have romantic feelings for someone, it is still inconsiderate to plan something and then break it off on the day you were supposed to get together. I do wonder how much you followed up on some of these almost-meetings though, and how clear the plans made were. Like, did you plan to see the movie in the morning? Afternoon? Evening? Or was it very loose, to where he may have not picked up that you were that serious about it. When you get the next crush, you might try to be a little more direct. Being direct earlier can get you an answer about whether or not there is potential sooner, and save you a lot of heartache when you pine and wonder. But for now, just go easy on yourself. Find other things to focus on. When you have thoughts about your crush, let yourself feel the bad emotion, but remind yourself of the truth. He just wasn't into you, and wasn't really the catch you were hoping for either. But you have values. Values that would be worth sharing with someone who does care - and is worth it.
  17. Getting a date should be possible. If you swipe right enough times and aren't a total turn off you will get dates. You may have to try a few different apps - every area is different which apps are a good investment. It may take a real amount of time and effort. In the first few messages you get a feel for them as a person. Then you ask them out. If they say yes, you make plans. I don't know what your rate is going to be, but it's going to be something like 1000 swipes turns into 100 messages turns into 20 "yes" to a date turns into 10 follow through. Every person and every app and every location is going to have a different rate, but it shouldn't be impossible. If you aren't swiping right that much, you may need to swipe more. However poor the rest of your approach, more swiping should increase your success rate. Note that it also means more rejection. You have to grow a thicker skin. There's nothing unique about how hard it is for you to find dates. I'd bet more people are like you than find it easy. About the rest of your approach, it really helps in those first few messages to: 1) be interesTED, and 2) be interesTING. If you lack in either of those it will be a lot harder. Pay attention to what she says about herself and ask good questions to find out more. If you can't make yourself sound interesting, that may be due to lack of self esteem, or you may need to actually make some serious life changes so that you have something to talk about. NO one wants to hear about your fight with your friend over a stolen weed stash. What do you care about in life? How are you improving yourself? Where are you headed? Having good, honest answers about these kinds of things are a huge aphrodesiac. Not having a clue will be a turn off.
  18. If he said that over a year ago and has given no indication that anything has changed, what are you still hanging on for? Your not scared to shoot your shot, you already shot your shot and missed and are now hanging around hoping he magically develops feelings for you while he is out on dates with other people. Harsh truths I know... All of my friend zones were in person, but I wasn't able to get over and move on until I stopped being friends with them and hanging around. You may not want to lose him, but the alternative is to remain stuck. Ultimately only you can know your feelings and what you are capable of. But I think it doesn't hurt to ask again, and you wont be ruining your chances, just bringing them into the light. If you think you can preserve the friendship and get over him without revealing you still like him that might be preferable.
  19. Good to hear! Hope you and your son are able to recover from the experience. It sounds like you are doing pretty well, but if possible I'd also recommend trying counseling/therapy. These kinds of relationships tend to leave scars that can take time and work to recover from.
  20. So he treated you so horribly you left and finally were able to quit him. Then he continues to harass you after you left, and eventually says "let me have a gun or you won't see me anymore"? Awesome, take the not seeing him anymore option.
  21. You are a year out of a difficult breakup. You are going to simultaneously want to rush things too much and want to hold back too much, which puts you in a weird frame of mind. If someone is not up to your standards don't hesitate to throw them back in the pond. Maybe you aren't giving them the chance they deserve, but this is about your health and happiness right now, not theirs. You can't know the other side of the story and you are in a vulnerable state, so it's not immoral to protect yourself. This guy isn't up to your standards and you haven't even met yet. There's no better time to say "next", and you've already devoted a lot of energy to a person who you have not yet determined if there is chemistry in person or not. You don't have to make concessions for someone who doesn't meet your standards just because they are the first person after a traumatic breakup who you kind of like.
  22. I think it comes down to this: "This often leads to a circle of bad events. Because when my girlfriend feels uncomfortable and unwelcome somewhere, she becomes silent. And silence is my mom's biggest pet peeve. My mom expects her visitors to show gratitude and interest of being there. So when she sees a silent person who doesn't seem engaged in being a visitor, she feels as if it's too much for her to handle, and she kind of gives up trying to approach that person." I don't think either party is really in the wrong - they just have personalities that clash. They may eventually get used to each other given more time, but it will probably take some effort on both their parts. Your job is to translate as best as possible: "Mom, my girlfriend is just a bit shy around you. Don't take offense if she is quiet". "Girlfriend, my mom welcomes you, she just doesn't know how to talk to you yet. Shall we go over some topics beforehand so we can be more proactive in communication?" Your girlfriend is being a little unreasonable in saying she won't see her any more, though it's an understandable reaction to a rough first meet. Hopefully she is not adamant about that. Ultimately they just might not ever like each other, but they will love you enough to keep trying. Best case, this was just an awkward early meeting and as they become less than strangers they get along better.
  23. 2 weeks is really early for sure! You are doing well. It's hard to walk through and shut the doors when it's still so fresh. There will be more doors you have to keep shutting that you didn't even realize were there. And each time you shut one you will feel terrible. But while it hurts to be cut off there is a feeling of relief as well that can mix with the pain. Like you say, so much of the last while has been exhausting. Letting go can be exhausting too, but in it's own way. It's something you kind of have to practice at for a while. Do you have any friends or family who can help you, do fun things with you to take your mind off of things?
  24. The GF and I went to the tree farm a couple weeks ago and got a cute one for her apartment. I wasn't quite ready to see how my crazy cat dealt with a tree (taking care of an older cat that my friend can't take care of anymore, though old she is crazy and acts like a kitten sometimes) so I'll just enjoy hers when I go over.
  25. saluk

    Commitment

    I find it weird that you mention height as an issue since you have had 2 year-long relationships. I'm almost 6ft and have never had a relationship last that long (Ask me again in April maybe me and my current GF will get there!) You may be afraid of the commitment... or you may just have not connected strongly with the women you have dated. Most people we meet won't be a match. It's OK to be a bit protective of yourself - relationships can be life altering in both good and bad ways. You are only 24 after all. Don't think of it as something wrong with you, but something you are learning about yourself. Take it slow, and be OK with taking it slow!
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