New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do

[abitbroken]

It could be that your wife is manipulative - by being so gosh darn passive - she makes you the "bad guy" and you have to fight attles, and when you put your foot down, where she secretly would LOVE to do that, you end up with all the blame for carrying out things she is actually in agreement with. I think you need to encourage your wife to be more assertive "Dear, remember that the girls are high energy and you just told me a minute ago that you didn't want them here, do you think that's a really good idea? Would it be a good idea to invite them another time instead." and make her be the bad guy for her own opinions.

[Batya33]

[video=youtube_share;y--syZR0u1E]

This video has some good hints on latching.

 

I will say too that an upset and stressed mom won’t have a good let down for her milk so chill your environment.

 

I find it so touching when this happens -when a "stranger" goes out of her way to research and find this sort of help for a new parent - actual, practical help and yes the wisdom of the truth that breastfeeding and stress don't mix well.

 

I couldn't nurse. It was really disappointing!! My son thrived on formula. I also think Sherry's advice was helpful on this point.

[Seraphim]

I find it so touching when this happens -when a "stranger" goes out of her way to research and find this sort of help for a new parent - actual, practical help and yes the wisdom of the truth that breastfeeding and stress don't mix well.

 

I couldn't nurse. It was really disappointing!! My son thrived on formula. I also think Sherry's advice was helpful on this point.

It can be so difficult for many moms and babies . I was so lucky my son latched immediately and it went well unless I was stressed. I remember family members making my life a horror story about it. My grandmother telling me my son was going to die and my father in law telling me I was “ disgusting “ for breastfeeding.

[Batya33]

It can be so difficult for many moms and babies . I was so lucky my son latched immediately and it went well unless I was stressed. I remember family members making my life a horror story about it. My grandmother telling me my son was going to die and my father in law telling me I was “ disgusting “ for breastfeeding.

 

That's terrible!! I was able to do some nursing for the first 12 days -I believe he latched ok and I had very low supply.

[Seraphim]

The objective is a happy and healthy mom and baby , whatever way that works.

[purplepaisley]

I'm going to be one of the very few against the grain here, and tell you I would be downright livid if my parents agreed to come out to help after the baby is born and dragged along two preschoolers. That is extra work for me, being mindful of the children's welfare, watching them around the baby, in addition to hosting four people, two of whom are very young and require a high level of monitoring and care. If the grandparents are the primary childcare provider for their grandchildren while the parents are working, arrangements should have been made for alternative care, or clear with you and your wife if it would be okay to bring the little girls along.

 

These people sound exhausting and difficult to be around, and based on other commentary, your relationship with the in-laws is rocky at best.

 

What is going on with your wife? What does she say? What does she want?

 

If you and your wife are not on the same page with each other's families and boundaries, the situation is going to be a continued rocky ball of resentment and crazy-making.

 

You both need to be on the same page and create some boundaries.

 

I question if your wife is passively going along with whatever overbearing crap her parents are shoving at her, leaving you to be the bad guy and advocating for her.

 

I also question if you are being completely unreasonable and driving a wedge into this parental relationship because you just don't like her parents all that much.

 

Telling them to GTFO was a pretty ugly move.

 

Getting a haircut or working out? Have you been absent a majority of the time so you can bodybuild? Is your wife afforded time to pursue her hair care needs or nails or gym, or is she required to be at home 24/7? Her schedule is going to revolve around the boobs and feeding time, but getting out for an hour or two is not unreasonable. It's not a big deal to exit the home for a bit, but I would say it would be a poor choice to leave your wife to deal with 2 preschoolers, 2 overbearing parents, and an infant who isn't latching well and fusses and cries a lot.

 

I would expect my husband to shut down any bickery criticism and commentary from his parents, as I would be shutting down the same with my own parents.

 

Figure out how to manage your families. You are going to have to deal with these people for the rest of your life...make a plan...together.

[Batya33]

Yes, I agree that if someone agrees to come AND help -not just visit -then they need to be mindful of things that are not helpful. Like bringing other kids around. In my case I was really upset that my FIL came to see our newborn (not the first time he saw him and back then they lived relatively close) when he had a cold - it was a miscommunication because my husband said he thought I knew and had ok'd it (nope). So what happened was he came but not to our home and I let him see the baby from a distance. And if it's just for a visit then they should ask of course before bringing anyone else along.

[Seraphim]

What I don’t understand is how this many lactation experts missed the mark teaching the baby and mom to latch. Does he have a tongue or lip tie?

[a_lifters_life]

What I don’t understand is how this many lactation experts missed the mark teaching the baby and mom to latch. Does he have a tongue or lip tie?

 

Me either. 1 lactation person was at hospital on delivery floor, and another private lactation consultant.

[Seraphim]

Then you need to try more than two. Grandma can’t come live at your house so that the baby will drink. Either that or bottle feeding fine. Get your wife to pump and he can get breast milk that way .

Me either. 1 lactation person was at hospital on delivery floor, and another private lactation consultant.

[abitbroken]

I'm going to be one of the very few against the grain here, and tell you I would be downright livid if my parents agreed to come out to help after the baby is born and dragged along two preschoolers. That is extra work for me, being mindful of the children's welfare, watching them around the baby, in addition to hosting four people, two of whom are very young and require a high level of monitoring and care. If the grandparents are the primary childcare provider for their grandchildren while the parents are working, arrangements should have been made for alternative care, or clear with you and your wife if it would be okay to bring the little girls along.

 

 

A "visit to see the baby" for a preschooler usually is good for 15 minutes and then it erodes. Its great to have a "let's go meet the baby" trip for the little ones but it should be a quick visit. I have numerous nieces/nephews that age and speak from experience. that's all the excitement they can handle and that's as long as they can go. Some fuss when they are not allowed to "hold the baby" - some start attention seeking behaviors etc. They can't handle at that age it being not about them. They have to be constantly redirected or they may decide to do their own thing.

[tattoobunnie]

I beg to differ. My neices, nephews, and my sons at that age were able to meet their baby relatives, hang out, eat, go play on their own, and then ooo and aaa when possible (baby awake or not). They all know babies are special and too be handled with care. But then again, my brother, SIL, me and dad all take to talk about who they are meeting, and appropriate behavior. And bring toys in case they need time to play on their own.

[abitbroken]

I beg to differ. My neices, nephews, and my sons at that age were able to meet their baby relatives, hang out, eat, go play on their own, and then ooo and aaa when possible (baby awake or not). They all know babies are special and too be handled with care. But then again, my brother, SIL, me and dad all take to talk about who they are meeting, and appropriate behavior. And bring toys in case they need time to play on their own.

 

--- I mean before the "play on their own" thing -- for which they also require some supervision in someone else's house --- if they are going to the house of tired parents AND are spending the night for two nights, that's a *LITTLE* much. And the "help' the parents are supposedly providing does not occur because they are supervising an entertaining the kids.

[purplepaisley]

What I don’t understand is how this many lactation experts missed the mark teaching the baby and mom to latch. Does he have a tongue or lip tie?

 

This crossed my mind for sure! I had a difficult time breast feeding my first due to "tongue tie." Once the frenulum was snipped (and I had to pitch a fit to get this to happen), breast feeding was easy-peazy. I had some knowledge of this tongue-tie phenomenon ahead of time. I questioned my newborn's tongue-shape in the hospital and the hospital pediatrician said it was perfectly normal...it was not. I was frazzled six ways to Tuesday on the first pediatric visit after feeding difficulties, when my new physician's assistant care provider said, "Oh, she has tongue-tie."

 

I have a coworker that had difficulty with breast feeding due to inverted nipples.

 

This doesn't remove the fact that so-called assistance from the grandparents really only created stress in the household.

[jimthzz]

I won't bother to read the entire thread. It's not necessary.

 

Dude, here's a tip: A husband needs to butt out of the lactation discussion between a new mother and her own mother. In fact, I'd venture to say that unless specifically invited into one by the new mother, is really out of your wheelhouse.

 

Stay in your lane bro.

[Wiseman2]

Yes this :

A husband needs to butt out of the lactation discussion between a new mother and her own mother. In fact, I'd venture to say that unless specifically invited into one by the new mother, is really out of your wheelhouse. Stay in your lane bro.

[tattoobunnie]

Eh...managing two toddlers and a newborn between 4 grown and fully functional adults is actually super duper easy. Heck, all my mom friends and I do that all the time by ourselves. Our neighbor has quads, and she does almost all of it by herself. Meaning, the OP is blessed to have in-laws willing to drop everything and come help. And their neices are cool enough to come visit. If it was too much, I'm sure they would have been sent home. I just find 1st time parents can be so wind up, and feel overwhelmed that they think most things are impossible. Then in a bit of time, you get a rhythm and routine. Then, heck, you wanna do it all over again!

 

I would have pediatrician check for tongue ties too! Very common.

[tattoobunnie]

I won't bother to read the entire thread. It's not necessary.

 

Dude, here's a tip: A husband needs to butt out of the lactation discussion between a new mother and her own mother. In fact, I'd venture to say that unless specifically invited into one by the new mother, is really out of your wheelhouse.

 

Stay in your lane bro.

 

The only reason why our breastfeeding journey has lasted 3+ years with my 2nd is because of having a supportive husband who is hands on and aware of my lactation needs and any issues. I see nothing wrong about two parents being involved in the feeding of their child.

[Batya33]

The only reason why our breastfeeding journey has lasted 3+ years with my 2nd is because of having a supportive husband who is hands on and aware of my lactation needs and any issues. I see nothing wrong about two parents being involved in the feeding of their child.

 

The only reason I lasted 12 days having to pump every two hours to build up my supply (didn't work) was because my husband washed the pump parts all night long. He was involved as a support -I mean he's not an LC of course!

 

We didn't have family members who could help. Some who visited were so helpful. Some created more work and stressed me out. Such is life!

[purplepaisley]

I beg to differ. My neices, nephews, and my sons at that age were able to meet their baby relatives, hang out, eat, go play on their own, and then ooo and aaa when possible (baby awake or not). They all know babies are special and too be handled with care. But then again, my brother, SIL, me and dad all take to talk about who they are meeting, and appropriate behavior. And bring toys in case they need time to play on their own.

 

It really doesn't matter how well-behaved or what tiny terrors the preschoolers are, the end result here is that these grandparents were moving in to help, and didn't help. They created stress and burden on new parents who were now required to pull hosting duties with two adults and childcare duties to two uninvited preschool guests that required a high level of care during a time they are ill-equipped to fully host and deal with tiny humans beyond their new little sprout.

 

There is a reason I declined "help" from my own mother...I knew it would be more of a burden than an asset.

 

I don't know what is going on in the family dynamics, and there has been no commentary from the OP on what the new mother wants, but the bottom line is, if you're coming to help...help. Do not bring along extra people and expect the new couple to host you and the little charglings and sit back and expect the father/mother to blissfully listen to criticism on how much you suck and how you're doing everything wrong.

[tattoobunnie]

The OP kicked them out before they could help. They weren't moving in. Only planning to stay for a few days.

[purplepaisley]

The OP kicked them out before they could help. They weren't moving in. Only planning to stay for a few days.

 

They planned to stay a few days with two preschoolers in tow (where are these girls' parents?) and criticized and judged during the time they were in the household.

[Batya33]

They planned to stay a few days with two preschoolers in tow (where are these girls' parents?) and criticized and judged during the time they were in the household.

 

I agree. I did not let anyone hold him when he was an infant other than immediate family so if kids were around it meant I had to be around to make sure they didn't get too close. For visitors, sure as long as the kids weren't sick -for "help" no it would not have been helpful.

[jimthzz]

I don't either IF invited by the new mother to weigh in. Otherwise? That lane I wrote of is still there...

[purplepaisley]

I agree. I did not let anyone hold him when he was an infant other than immediate family so if kids were around it meant I had to be around to make sure they didn't get too close. For visitors, sure as long as the kids weren't sick -for "help" no it would not have been helpful.

 

I wasn't insanely hypervigilant as a new parent, but I hit the higher tier of the grid. I was definitely more relaxed with #2, but sorry, dealing with houseguests is always stressful, even with awesome parents or friends or siblings. It doesn't sound like these grandparents were helpful, and dragged along a couple of preschoolers, uninvited or un-agreed upon, and whose caregivers (the grandparents) were not really on top of things, leaving the burden on the OP and the new mom to take of the burden of care.

 

Where were the parents of the preschoolers?