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purplepaisley

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purplepaisley last won the day on February 3 2020

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About purplepaisley

  • Birthday 01/20/1970

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  1. I'm going to echo that this guy needs some serious education on "not creepy" pickup skills. Go to his house to see his plants?? Yeah...no...absolutely do not feel bad for feeling weird about this invitation or declining it. Maybe he has two left feet; maybe he's nutters. Meet for coffee, and heck, he could bring some clippings! Pickups happen in the grocery store sometimes, and these can be fun, but the grocery store isn't necessarily some signal of a wholesome, safe meeting. My suggestion would be, if the guy seemed okay and not a creeper, suggest the alternative..."I would love to see your succulents, but maybe we can start with Starbucks first, or a drink?" Proceed to date for awhile before checking out his houseplants and inviting him to see yours.
  2. Sorry to whip out the grammar stick, but your story would be so much easier to read (and get responses) if you used a little bit of punctuation and broke things up into some paragraphs. This woman sounds like a hot mess and an emotional disaster area, and I think you would be best off to avoid her. She started off drunk texting you and you jumped on that wagon. She proceeding to spend 2 days with you in a state of inebriation from what it sounds like. She bounced between crying and emotional outbursts to wanting to fall into bed with you. At the end of it all, I agree, this woman does not sound like she is very mature emotionally, giving her address to a virtual stranger and then putting her 4-year-old child in the middle of it. Most responsible parents do not let strangers meet their children at first. Her behavior seems to be a lot of crazy-making, and potentially a powder keg. She got a meal and some free yard work at the end of the day. You felt you could not approach her home/front door or text when you were there to clean up her yard, and that is another issue, wondering about this strange car in the driveway. It stinks because you truly felt like there was some magical connection, and you were certainly able to swoop in and be her knight in shining armor, but she does not seem like a safe and stable person to continue a relationship with. Don't use her space for storage, either. It's easy to say to dump and run as an outsider, but it's not realistic. I would just say be extremely cautious with this woman going forward, if she ever gets around to calling or texting. I mean, take it seriously slow...though she seems rather unstable and better to let bygones be bygones, IMO. Please be careful, especially when she's inebriated. It's way too much, way too fast. This sudden ghosting isn't proving to be the best clue either. Sorry.
  3. I certainly feel for you here. When it's someone you know, acquaintance, someone from work, you expect something a little different. Like there's a genuine interest and not motivation for a ONS or something casual. I would have done the same thing as you and reached out the next day or the same evening, which I always do anyway, if I had a really nice time. In your case, you saw the rejection and he was rather immature as well, mentioning rejection, when you didn't really reject him; you only rejected fast sex. That's unfortunate, but your reaction was to let him know that you really did have a nice time and hopefully let him know that you are interested. His reaction hurts, and of course we are all thinking he was after some quicky sex...who knows if he wants something more, but to drop away like that because you didn't invite him to your bed is suggestive of just something casual and loose. It's a mixed signal because this is a coworker of the past that popped up, so you probably expected something more to come of it. Huge disappointment. I went through something similar myself and it's rather a letdown. There's not much more I can add outside of if this guy does come back around, a discussion or clarity of what each of you wants is in order. I also wonder if he'll ultimately become one of these guys who disappear, then come back around, then disappear again...rinse and repeat. You'll have to be strong and shut things down if he has that behavior also.
  4. I also agree with Smackie, and I think you're running an uphill battle that you are likely to lose. You had a bad family situation, and this guy you barely knew became your knight in shining armor and rescued you from the mess of your home life. The bottom line is, it was too much too soon, and you had no idea who he really was at the time and that you are not compatible long-term. You jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I don't think you or therapy are going to change him. These actions are not mistakes, they are intentional. I think what you need to do is move out on your own. Find a roommate, work towards a job and a career that offers you the ability to function independently and also work on yourself and your self-esteem. I feel like what you're trying to do is have this man complete you, but not in a healthy way, and you're latched on to that first 2-3 months that were probably pretty great, but unfortunately not a reality. Out of the year you've been together, it sounds like a good 7 months of that year have sucked. Maybe this guy feels suffocated. it's his own fault for pulling you into a live-in relationship when he barely knew you, and probably damaged from your home life, meaning he has had to help you work through your own emotional baggage, when neither of you were in a place to be putting any baggage on each other at all. There is a reason people date first. What I perceive here is a lot of things working backwards. You're starting at the end that isn't working, and trying to re-write the beginning. It's really great if this guy helped you out of a bad situation, and gave you the strength to remove yourself from a bad situation, but I think ideally, this moving in with him would have been temporary while you find a a new place to live, and then you date. Later, if things go well, you could move in together, but if it turns out the dude is actively participating in behaviors you are unhappy with and then lies about it, you would more easily have the option to end it. I know it's not "easy" at all, and I know that it hurts, but it has to be done. This isn't working. You leapt into a serious relationship with a guy you barely knew, and now you know him, and it's not pretty. I'm very sorry. I won't give you hopes of fixing this. I think it's time to cut your losses.
  5. This guy sounds like he was doing the "slow fade." I know, it hurts, but at some point, things weren't working out for him, and rather than telling you, or "officially" breaking up, he just hoped that you would stop trying. It hurts the worst because they put on this aura that they are still very into you, and there are just life circumstances getting in the way. He did "hint" and you did not take the hint (focusing on his career/going cold on you). I do not think that one day a week is too much to ask, and you went further in accepting that every other week would be acceptable. This, after you started out with seeing him twice a week, maybe more. It's reasonable to have the same expectation as far as seeing each other. It also normal that the high level of seeing each may drop a bit because you just can't maintain like that long-term, but this guy just completely dropped out. As a prior person mentioned, there should be progression, not regression, even if seeing each other drops a little at first - this is what I consider to be normal in a new relationship, but if things continue forward, you find ways to spend more time together, not less, but of course both people have to be equally invested in the relationship. This guy was not. This guy wasn't into you anymore, but failed to tell you and make a clean break. Instead he was just "busy." You fought it, denied it, and kept trying to salvage what you started out with until eventually, it ended. Once a week is not too needy, and expecting more time as the relationship progresses is also not needy.
  6. This one really stings, and I'm having a hard time with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, support, and opinions...I appreciate it!
  7. I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men. I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that. Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks. I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious. It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different. Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes. Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc. He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term. As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex. The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on? When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am? So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it. This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?
  8. I agree with JenCrowley. There's something he wants, and he is changing his tune to stay in your good graces. I don't know what he wants, but there is a reason for this turnaround. He seems rather sociopathic or narcissistic. They know how to charm when it suits them and have no remorse or moral compass when treating others poorly when they do not serve a purpose. You state he used to look at you with "hatred with a vengeance," and now all of a sudden he's a kitten. I don't get it. And here you are, getting the "feels." Of course you are. I would too. You need to step outside of this bubble and continue to pay attention to his behaviors towards people outside of his new behavior towards you, and of course how he used to treat you, look at you, and how he made you feel...pretty crappy. People don't change easily, and you know, maybe he is all fluffies and bunnies with a hard, ly shell, or maybe he's just a jerk. This has the feel of walking straight into an abusive relationship. It's just a matter of time when you don't produce whatever it is he seeks that he starts reverting back to his old ways and you become his verbal/emotional punching bag and he starts glaring at you again, blowing you off, ignoring you, saying mean things, gaslighting...the list goes on. Maybe he'll set his sights on someone else. You are vulnerable, and I think you need to be extra cautious with this one because of that. I hope I'm wrong. Maybe it could be a Sheldon/Amy situation, but let's keep in mind, Amy does all the compromising in that relationship and her needs are never really fulfilled because Sheldon is impossible. It's great entertainment, but not something I would want to deal with in real life.
  9. Why did you not contact him? Yes, it is possible that he got his "booty call" and he's just not interested in pursuing something more serious...he'll reach out when he's "in the mood." If you're okay with something casual like this, enjoy, but if you want something long-term and serious, this guy perhaps isn't the one. It might help if you reached out to him a few times instead of waiting on him. Also, have a talk about what he wants. If his actions don't match his words, you'll spare yourself a lot of heartache and worry if you just move on. The kids will be a priority, but there has to be a way to prioritize you, and if he's always too busy or occupied, the question is how long you're willing to wait for him to have time for you, and if his availability does not change, move on. I don't know if he's blowing you off or not, and maybe he's just dating you when he has the time; maybe seeing other women, but one date every couple weeks or so with no communication in the middle is probably not what you want.
  10. Walk away from this one. You state he has never laid a finger on you, but his violent rages have certainly scared you, affected you, and it is abusive. Mark my words, it's just a matter of time before he directs his violence at you. He is a powder keg. Yes, he was out of control. Are you wrong? I do believe you are wrong for maintaining this relationship. I know how hard it is to leave. Abusers are very adept in keeping you sucked in, giving you great happiness and joy in between acts of voilence and abuse. In addition to the violence, he calls you names and refuses to empathize and work with you. Drop your boyfriend. Drop your boyfriend's mother from your FB page, or at the very least, block her from seeing certain messages you post....this would be a stepping stone. Eventually you need to drop both him and her from your life, but understandable if you do not wish to remove her as a FB friend right away. Do yourself a favor and dump this guy. You can do so much better. His behavior so far is huge, glaring warning. He will escalate and he will get worse. I've BTDT.
  11. I wouldn't be okay with this at all. Who knows why she maintains this "chat." She likes the attention? She is too afraid of hurting his feelings and telling him to stop? I can see her just responding instead of telling him to stop, hoping he will go away eventually; however, this is problematic for you, and you have expressed this, and I feel it is inappropriate to maintain this type of "talk." You say you don't care, but you do. You both have to be on the same page, and if she refuses, your choices are to learn to accept it or move on. This type of situation can fester.
  12. I don't know if I would consider this man's behavior a "red flag" just yet. It really comes across to me as his own personal "litmus test" on whether or not a woman is interested or worth pursuing. By his own experiences, he has determined that if a woman is "always unavailable" to talk and can't conform in some way to his own schedule, she's going to be a dud. Maybe he comes off a bit too strong, though, in his insistence, but again, this is his own litmus test, and you may pass, or you may fail. You have choices too, and he may fail your litmus test. For me, arranging a date straight up is good sign. Don't get me wrong, being too forceful and eager can be bad too, but trust me, meeting in person sooner over later is the best way to go. It's way better than getting locked into this perpetual penpal/text and talk situation where never the two shall meet, and someone is always too busy (or traveling) to meet. No meet, no text...end of story. If you can't talk to him later, it is what it is. He declined your offer to touch base the following day, so what does that mean? Is he controlling or strange in his inability to conform to your schedule and needs? Is he selfish and you must comform to him? Is he too needy? Or maybe he needs to know that after your abrupt termination of the earlier call, you are interested enough to touch base later, and sooner over later? I don't know. If he makes you uncomfortable, then it is what it is, and decline any further communication. Absolutely stick to your own boundaries and availability. You should not feel obligated to jump through impossible hoops for a guy you've never met; rather, you should be excited to touch base later, even if it disrupts your routine. He should likewise accept that if you get home too late, you can touch base the next day.
  13. That giant wall of text was difficult to read. Please break up your post into easy-to-read paragraphs. I apologize in advance if I didn't understand something. You were both married when you met and proceeded to have an affair that resulted in a child. He doesn't trust you...you didn't exactly start off on a solid foundation, did you? He sounds psycho, controlling, jealous, and unstable. He will give you the silent treatment, hanging out with the ex, staying at the ex's house, blaming you, recording you, watching, stalking...bad news. If you slept over at your ex-husband's house after a fight or just to "hang" on the weekend with your kid, how well would that go over with him? This man is bad news. You said that he left his wife and moved in with you and when his wife got mad about it, he filed for divorce in November. You *then* state that you "ended up getting pregnant in September." Last I checked, September came a full two months before November, so by my calculation, you were a full two months pregnant when he "decided to file for divorce in November." This situation is messy and sloppy, and this man sounds toxic. I think you need to step back and do not pursue a relationship with this man. You will probably need to seek legal support in regards to your child and seek counselling. It won't be easy to deal with this steaming pile of manure you walked yourself straight into, but the bottom line is, dump this chump. He is not worth it. Your only job right now is to be a good mom and raise an exceptional little human. Historically, boys who grow up in an abusive household grow up to be abusers, while girls who grow up in an abusive household, grow up to be victims of abuse. Break the cycle, OP, and remove this man from your life.
  14. Is hugging a normal action for this guy towards everyone, or is it just you? That would definitely be fodder for prying eyes and gossipy lips. I wonder if there is flirty behavior in general happening that is fueling the gossip mill. Maybe you don't realize you're doing it, or maybe you don't recognize that he is doing it. I have a female coworker who hugs. I really can't say I've noticed much around male coworkers vs. female, but it is clear she hugs her "besties" compared to the "average coworker," or maybe she recognizes boundaries on those who are not amenable to the touchy-feely. I don't know. She hugs. She's not flirty. No biggie. It doesn't raise any eyebrows. Now, if she was shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip with a man in the breakroom or at the desk, with some close-talking and giggles and hugs...yeah, conclusions would be drawn. Do female coworkers garner the same attention from you? I'm going to agree with the rest, and that is not to add any fuel to the fire here and ignore the gossip, but I also feel like you should check yourself and try to identify if you're behaving in a flirty, attention-seeking manner. A booster to your ego of sorts. You already feel insecure and inferior. You felt that you were required to block and end friendships with everyone of the opposite gender when you had a boyfriend - why? Were you flirting with these other men? Was there some potential of dating or just the thrill of the attention and the attraction? Your boyfriend did not feel that he had to go completely nuclear on platonic female friends and coworkers, so you followed suit and reopened the door of accepting opposite gender friendships, but why is it that your entire post is about two men, and that these friendships are in such a way that they are feeding the rumor mill at work? Do you behave differently with these men than you do your female counterparts? I don't mean to place blame on you, OP, but I just feel like these gossipy stories aren't coming out of nowhere. I think it's important that you check yourself here. Be aware of your own actions and behaviors. The bottom line is not to address or add to whatever these people are getting all twisted up about. Don't give the gossip any legs. Check yourself and behave in a professional manner.
  15. It's absolutely normal to want to "put out the feelers" and date when you first make that split, but as you know, you are not ready for a relationship and even "casually dating" or "friends first" from a dating app can be confusing. People don't join dating apps to make friends, and the "friends first, maybe something more" is always a red flag to me...either you do it or you don't. If you're not ready to date, don't join a dating app. You're already involved in that board game group, and there are other meetups you can try. Some are geared towards newly divorced or single parents or single dads. Start there. Your first steps are to finalize your divorce and associated parts and pieces, and create a stable life and home for you and your daughter. Being a single parent is hard, even when you're sharing custody, and dating can be harder, especially with a child so young. Stabilize yourself for now and go from there. Just because you've been separated does not mean you're ready...after the ink dries...after you go through the emotional garbage of it all...then you can think about dating. I think you made a wise choices stepping back from the app.
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