New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do

[Batya33]

I wasn't insanely hypervigilant as a new parent, but I hit the higher tier of the grid. I was definitely more relaxed with #2, but sorry, dealing with houseguests is always stressful, even with awesome parents or friends or siblings. It doesn't sound like these grandparents were helpful, and dragged along a couple of preschoolers, uninvited or un-agreed upon, and whose caregivers (the grandparents) were not really on top of things, leaving the burden on the OP and the new mom to take of the burden of care.

 

Where were the parents of the preschoolers?

 

I think the grandparents in this situation regularly babysat for the kids.

 

I was not hypervigilant. Our newborn was born during a flu epidemic for which there was no vaccine yet and he couldn't be vaccinated yet anyway My friend's newborn got croup because she let the grandfather visit when he had a bad cold. And yes dealing with houseguests and a newborn was overwhelming for me.

[maew]

OP your in laws have been driving you crazy for years now... since before you got married... why do you continue to struggle with them when you knew what you were getting into? The fight you had with them is only going to stress your wife out even more and make it nearly impossible for her to calm down enough to breastfeed. Babies do not latch well when the mom is under stress.

 

My guess is they don’t want to be there without a buffer (the girls) because they are uncomfortable around you. I definitely echo the others in saying you need to look at how to get along with them instead of always picking them apart... at the end of the day they aren’t going anywhere unless you decide to end the marriage.

[purplepaisley]

I won't bother to read the entire thread. It's not necessary.

 

Dude, here's a tip: A husband needs to butt out of the lactation discussion between a new mother and her own mother. In fact, I'd venture to say that unless specifically invited into one by the new mother, is really out of your wheelhouse.

 

Stay in your lane bro.

 

I beg to differ. A father has every right to assure his child is being adequately nourished, and the he is not held to some "secret society" on some lactation issue between mother and daughter. If the child is not feeding properly, he is the father of this child and can very well intervene on any support and assistance required to assure his child's welfare and nourishment. It's what dads do. It is their job.

[jimthzz]

I won't bother to read the entire thread. It's not necessary.

 

Dude, here's a tip: A husband needs to butt out of the lactation discussion between a new mother and her own mother. In fact, I'd venture to say that unless specifically invited into one by the new mother, is really out of your wheelhouse.

 

Stay in your lane bro.

 

The only reason why our breastfeeding journey has lasted 3+ years with my 2nd is because of having a supportive husband who is hands on and aware of my lactation needs and any issues. I see nothing wrong about two parents being involved in the feeding of their child.

 

I don't either IF invited by the new mother to weigh in. Otherwise? That lane I wrote of is still there...

 

I beg to differ. A father has every right to assure his child is being adequately nourished, and the he is not held to some "secret society" on some lactation issue between mother and daughter. If the child is not feeding properly, he is the father of this child and can very well intervene on any support and assistance required to assure his child's welfare and nourishment. It's what dads do. It is their job.

 

At the risk of mansplaining about telling the guy not to mansplain breastfeeding issues to two women who happen to be mothers, my point is that jumping in on the subject as someone who will never breastfeed, is fraught with issues that a guy will never win. Stepping in between a grandma and her daughter regarding dealing with a newborn?

 

If the issue is merely about telling folks to leave, that's another issue.

 

As to whether or not rearing a kid is a dad's responsibility? That is yet another issue. I reared two of 'em to adulthood. Did not breastfeed either of them.

[purplepaisley]

Where are the parents of the preschoolers?

[j.man]

The parents were there only for a "few hours," per the OP They hadn't been lingering for the weekend, relaxing on the recliner with a cocktail while the kids ran amuck. The OP didn't solicit criticism and judgment because he addressed the children as a disruptive presence. It's because he demanded someone neither responsible to his wife nor his child to provide the "undivided attention" he alone is responsible to provide as the husband and father. There's an awful lot of buffer between grandma doing a favor and her serving as a handmaid. There were 359 degrees he could have thrown a stone without breaking a window, yet here we are. I've maintained from the beginning it was pretty inconsiderate to bring the kids over, much less to stay(assuming they were even there to stay and they didn't just have them for the afternoon). But you act and communicate like a grown man and ask if the kids can be left with their parents rather than making ridiculous demands and roid raging on a lady old enough to be taking arthritis meds, telling her to "GTFO."

 

And it's obvious what jinthzz meant by "stay in your lane." The point is he's not going to be sitting bedside next to his wife going, "Well... have you tried this?" He had a role to play. It extended to not roid raging after just a few hours and kicking out the woman who'd demonstrably helped his wife through latching issues before.

[abitbroken]

Eh...managing two toddlers and a newborn between 4 grown and fully functional adults is actually super duper easy. Heck, all my mom friends and I do that all the time by ourselves. Our neighbor has quads, and she does almost all of it by herself. Meaning, the OP is blessed to have in-laws willing to drop everything and come help. And their neices are cool enough to come visit. If it was too much, I'm sure they would have been sent home. I just find 1st time parents can be so wind up, and feel overwhelmed that they think most things are impossible. Then in a bit of time, you get a rhythm and routine. Then, heck, you wanna do it all over again!

 

I would have pediatrician check for tongue ties too! Very common.

 

But the wife should NOT have to manage the toddlers. Her focus is on her baby and her rest/health/wellbeing. She is the one that should be waited on. The husband's focus should be his wife and child. He should not have to babysit preschoolers.

[abitbroken]

The parents were there only for a "few hours," per the OP They hadn't been lingering for the weekend, relaxing on the recliner with a cocktail while the kids ran amuck. The OP didn't solicit criticism and judgment because he addressed the children as a disruptive presence. It's because he demanded someone neither responsible to his wife nor his child to provide the "undivided attention" he alone is responsible to provide as the husband and father. There's an awful lot of buffer between grandma doing a favor and her serving as a handmaid. There were 359 degrees he could have thrown a stone without breaking a window, yet here we are. I've maintained from the beginning it was pretty inconsiderate to bring the kids over, much less to stay(assuming they were even there to stay and they didn't just have them for the afternoon). But you act and communicate like a grown man and ask if the kids can be left with their parents rather than making ridiculous demands and roid raging on a lady old enough to be taking arthritis meds, telling her to "GTFO."

 

And it's obvious what jinthzz meant by "stay in your lane." The point is he's not going to be sitting bedside next to his wife going, "Well... have you tried this?" He had a role to play. It extended to not roid raging after just a few hours and kicking out the woman who'd demonstrably helped his wife through latching issues before.

 

I thought they were supposed to be there a few days. x day through x day = maybe i misread. But you can't "help" with two preschooolers in tow. They take up your time

[Seraphim]

They need to get a proper lactation consultant and find out if there is a lip or tongue tie. Granny is not a permanent solution or even a temporary one.

[j.man]

I thought they were supposed to be there a few days. x day through x day = maybe i misread. But you can't "help" with two preschooolers in tow. They take up your time

They grandparents were. No idea if the kids were.

 

Four grown adults can collaborate fine with two preschoolers and a baby. That's a whole lot of adults who had kids and probably shouldn't have if not. Grandma may not be able to pull an 8-hour shift with a magnifying glass between baby's mouth and mom's t1t, but there's certainly room for some help. And in any case, if OP wanted to make the kids the issue (again, something I'd say is very understandable), then make the kids' presence an issue, not tell MIL to GTFO because she isn't acting enough like hired help.

[Batya33]

They grandparents were. No idea if the kids were.

 

Four grown adults can collaborate fine with two preschoolers and a baby. That's a whole lot of adults who had kids and probably shouldn't have if not. Grandma may not be able to pull an 8-hour shift with a magnifying glass between baby's mouth and mom's t1t, but there's certainly room for some help. And in any case, if OP wanted to make the kids the issue (again, something I'd say is very understandable), then make the kids' presence an issue, not tell MIL to GTFO because she isn't acting enough like hired help.

 

It's very often unsafe to have small children that close to a newborn -yes there might be siblings but then you know if they are vaccinated, sick (or more info on that) and you have more control over boundaries/discipline because they are your children. I had a 18 month old visit with his mom when I had a newborn and my friend made sure he stayed far from the baby (just like I have done with my son since he was walking - he can admire newborns/infants from a distance and should not get too close). She also put away some of my breakables so that he couldn't get to them -without my asking. But she wasn't there to help me care for my baby. Had she been she would have been very, very distracted and not able to help much.

[tattoobunnie]

But the wife should NOT have to manage the toddlers. Her focus is on her baby and her rest/health/wellbeing. She is the one that should be waited on. The husband's focus should be his wife and child. He should not have to babysit preschoolers.

 

They were there for a few hours before the OP flipped out on them. I doubt the aunt and uncle of their two neices were even looked at or doted on them for a minute, or were doing anything with them. Having two boys myself who are now preschool and school-aged, when people brought their kids over to meet them even at a day old, I welcomed them with open arms, adult or kid, and thanked the lord I had someone to talk to. When you have almost no one visit for your 2nd, it's beyond isolating.

 

But I'm a different person. I like people, and don't feel weird about my body (boobs out for nursing), and asking for parenting advice. And, if you're sick, you just don't hold the new kiddo. Simple.

 

The OP makes it sound like his nieces were staying over. But, I really doubt it the parents of the nieces would let them stay over their uncles and aunts who call them, "girls", and not their "nieces". As I said again, probably took them to meet their new cousin.

 

And there would have been 3 other adults to mind the kids. Why would the new mom have to?

[Seraphim]

I am another that doesn’t mind people visiting a baby. When my son was 8 days old we were at Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws. When he was a month old 35 people were at his baby shower holding him. He is still alive.

[Batya33]

I am another that doesn’t mind people visiting a baby. When my son was 8 days old we were at Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws. When he was a month old 35 people were at his baby shower holding him. He is still alive.

 

My standard in my case was not "still alive" - and I get what you meant by the expression -the whole category of "I did ____ and turned out fine". My standard was keeping him as safe as possible under the circumstances which included the H1N1 flu epidemic - I love admiring babies and infants from a distance and I never ever touch a baby unless the parent invites me to and if my hands aren't just washed/clean I wash them and I decline if there's any reason I might have a cold, etc. He also had been born with a fever and was in the NICU for a day or so so that added to my protecting him from other than immediate family holding him (and they could not either if there was a reason they should not). Many gushed over him and cooed at him and interacted with him without touching him. He was held by one of us constantly. We had a religious ceremony when he was just shy of two weeks old - about 40 people there. I had to fight off a few people who got too close or threatened to but everyone was thrilled to meet him despite not having the opportunity to touch him.

[Seraphim]

There is such a thing too as too over protective. I am not saying throw the kiddo in a bacteria farm but over sterilization isn’t good either. People need to build immunity. You can’t do that sterilized and exposed to no one.

[j.man]

It's very often unsafe to have small children that close to a newborn -yes there might be siblings but then you know if they are vaccinated, sick (or more info on that) and you have more control over boundaries/discipline because they are your children. I had a 18 month old visit with his mom when I had a newborn and my friend made sure he stayed far from the baby (just like I have done with my son since he was walking - he can admire newborns/infants from a distance and should not get too close). She also put away some of my breakables so that he couldn't get to them -without my asking. But she wasn't there to help me care for my baby. Had she been she would have been very, very distracted and not able to help much.

Again, you're preaching to the choir. If kids being around is the issue, make it the issue. There are a million and one legitimate reasons he could have asked for their parents to pick them up for for gramps to go on his own and drop them off (again, assuming this wasn't the plan originally). Telling the MIL she's obligated to provide undividied attention or to otherwise GTFO is what is almost unanimously the issue here.

 

But short having to juggle a Russian invasion as well, there is no discernible reason two adults, much less three when the MIL isn't sparing OP and his wife the expense of a specialist, can't get a handle on two preschoolers while still being productive. I watch my three nieces regularly on my own, particularly now that my sister's reaching term on her 4th. Everyone still gets their diaper changed, fed, bathed, spills cleaned. Wake me up from a drunken stupor and I'll still handle two of them. That's *not* saying the OP should need it as an excuse, but it was pretty much the only bad one he could come up with in that moment.

[Batya33]

There is such a thing too as too over protective. I am not saying throw the kiddo in a bacteria farm but over sterilization isn’t good either. People need to build immunity. You can’t do that sterilized and exposed to no one.

 

Yes I agree. You and I have different approaches to how a newborn baby builds immunity and our situation was an individual one, just as yours were. I've read up on this quite a bit and disagree that newborns need to be handled and touched by many people in order to appropriately build immunity. For us that was way too risky and I've seen situations that were so scary where newborns were exposed to people with bad coughs and colds, etc or who might not have been vaccinated. I agree that over sterilization can be detrimental - I mean duh, that's obvious. Our baby was exposed to me, my husband and immediate family unless they were sick as far as touching. He was out and about in a major city daily. And on a plane. I don't mean to be defensive but when I am responded to with extremes like "over sterilization" that is my response.

[Batya33]

Again, you're preaching to the choir. If kids being around is the issue, make it the issue. There are a million and one legitimate reasons he could have asked for their parents to pick them up for for gramps to go on his own and drop them off (again, assuming this wasn't the plan originally). Telling the MIL she's obligated to provide undividied attention or to otherwise GTFO is what is almost unanimously the issue here.

 

But short having to juggle a Russian invasion as well, there is no discernible reason two adults, much less three when the MIL isn't sparing OP and his wife the expense of a specialist, can't get a handle on two preschoolers while still being productive. I watch my three nieces regularly on my own, particularly now that my sister's reaching term on her 4th. Everyone still gets their diaper changed, fed, bathed, spills cleaned. Wake me up from a drunken stupor and I'll still handle two of them. That's *not* saying the OP should need it as an excuse, but it was pretty much the only bad one he could come up with in that moment.

 

I agree it depends on expectations. I don't think that people should offer to help and then bring other kids with them into someone's home without permission.

[Seraphim]

Yes I agree. You and I have different approaches to how a newborn baby builds immunity and our situation was an individual one, just as yours were. I've read up on this quite a bit and disagree that newborns need to be handled and touched by many people in order to appropriately build immunity. For us that was way too risky and I've seen situations that were so scary where newborns were exposed to people with bad coughs and colds, etc or who might not have been vaccinated. I agree that over sterilization can be detrimental - I mean duh, that's obvious. Our baby was exposed to me, my husband and immediate family unless they were sick as far as touching. He was out and about in a major city daily. And on a plane. I don't mean to be defensive but when I am responded to with extremes like "over sterilization" that is my response.

 

Yes , but you ALWAYS counter my approach with yours. 😉

[Batya33]

Yes , but you ALWAYS counter my approach with yours. 😉

 

I don't agree with that in the least nor does it have anything to do with this thread. I've agreed with you on many many things and will continue to do so. In this particular situation the way you dealt with your child would not have worked for, or been appropriate, or been consistent with the way we did things, with our child. I think that is true of many many parenting decisions by many many parents- very individual. This thread shows that as an example -the OP has a situation and we've seen a number of different parenting approaches.

 

Indeed it's ironic that you'd write that given that I completely agreed -and lauded - your suggestion to hire a specialist/LC with videos to help which I wrote that I found particularly helpful.

[Cherylyn]

I remember when I insisted upon everyone washing their hands before they were allowed to hold my infant sons. If they were sick with colds, they were unwelcome! Fortunately, everyone obliged and never objected.

 

My sons are fine. However, I admit I was fussy about being a clean and neatnik.

[Batya33]

I remember when I insisted upon everyone washing their hands before they were allowed to hold my infant sons. If they were sick with colds, they were unwelcome! Fortunately, everyone obliged and never objected.

 

My sons are fine. However, I admit I was fussy about being a clean and neatnik.

 

I don't think it's fussy though with a newborn/infant. I insisted on that plus taking shoes off. Same about colds. I visited my friend in the hospital -her baby was one day old. I was healthy and she said "oh could you just hold her while I go use the restroom?" - I said to her that I had to wash my hands first! Different strokes. I don't like the pass the infant thing from person to person and yes I body blocked certain people who were pushy after I said they could not hold/touch the baby.

 

Ironically, a newish friend of mine came over when our son was two weeks old with her newish boyfriend "ok we're going to wash our hands so we can hold him!" I said no. Years later when she had her baby she told me she wasn't even having anyone visit the first 6 weeks lol.

[a_lifters_life]

Thanks all for keeping this thread going with your ongoing experiences.

 

My MIL/FIL came by again on Mon/Tues without these two nieces.

 

Went a lot better in regards to getting my wife more comfortable with the breast feeding.

 

The whole fight/argument wasnt discussed at all, despite me sending them a text the next day apologizing for going a little overboard, but holding firm that they need to make both my wife + I aware if they want to bring people like the nieces who were never invited in the first place, and just showed up. Evidentially, they just never responded, but came by mon into tuesday acting like nothing ever happened.

 

They're weird. What can I say - cant handle conflict or resolve it

 

I have no regrets making my voice loud and clear to them. I'm sure it won't be the first time going forward, all I can do is control myself. If I go visit them up on "their turf" I'll drive a separate car, so if happens again I'll just leave and not visit them as often. I've read thats the only way I can handle gang mentality gang up on me, especially when my wife wont stick up for me, or herself for that matter.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't think of them as not handling conflict -perhaps they could say the same about you with how you reacted plus texting instead of face to face or on the phone - some would say that's hiding behind a screen. They did what you asked. That's awesome. And you continued to get free help from them with something as potentially complicating as breastfeeding.

 

When I contacted an LC who also had other experience she told me that the consultation at home would be $250. Just for the consultation. 10 years ago. She was such a good person and told me over the phone "don't have me come yet -here are things I want you to try first, and please go to La Leche for a meeting and if that doesn't work call me". I would have had I not landed in the ER some days later with a medical condition where the resulting meds could have affected my breastmilk. But if I'd hired her it would have easily been $1,000 or more had she come to the house to help me.

[j.man]

Lucky for your wife, it seems the MIL elected to be there for her daughter despite your double-wide baby-back temper tantrum. Don't think it's a matter of a lack of conflict resolution. They just know a stupid conflict not worth addressing when they see one.

 

especially when my wife wont stick up for me

Lol, my lord. How old are you?