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j.man

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j.man last won the day on February 8 2020

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  1. Does this guy make a habit of just volunteering completely unnecessary, steaming piles of awful takes? Like yeah, his opinions are bad enough on their own, but the results aren't even in yet. Dude's really determined to make sure he doesn't come in a second late for an opportunity to berate you. There are so many layers of petty to peel there. A lot of folks have provided some great comments with regard to the misogyny and lack of mutual respect. What I'll chime in with is that more generally, it's a huge red flag when somebody sees someone they claim to love enjoying success or have something good happen to them, only to not just think, but express themselves cynically in response to it. Being married now, what benefits myself or my wife tends to residually benefit the other anyhow, but beforehand, I never had a feeling of somehow having been slighted whenever she happened upon a happy surprise or good opportunity for herself. It always weirds me out when I see supposed partners jealous or bitter over the other's benefit. It's very "misery loves company." And especially here, he's put you in a position where you can't "win" with regard to your relationship. Even in the ideal case you both get the promotion, he's already denied you your merits. If you get it and he doesn't, he'll be even further embittered. If he gets it and you don't, in his mind he'll have somehow dunked on the matriarchy, and-- again, in his mind-- you're such a novice you couldn't even get it despite being a broad living life on easy mode. That he'd spit out the initial rant was a bad enough look. That he's turned it into a theme throws away any vaguely good faith you might extend that it was just a bad moment rather than a sincerely internalized opinion and attitude.
  2. It's one of those situations where someone ****ed up and there's no real fixing or remedying it. Albeit not as extreme as getting a friend or relative's dog killed, I've been the offender in some pretty consequential situations before. I've likewise had it happen to me in tragic incidents that have been comparable. What's worked to mitigate long term damage to the relationships is the person harmed (obviously in your case by extension of your dog having suffered the ultimate harm) being straight forward but not aggressive about the fact that, "Hey, I know you didn't mean for it to happen, but it's just gonna take me some time and space." In return, the person who fudged it hopefully has the humility to say "fair enough." It really, really sucks this happened. And IMO you're perfectly reasonable in feeling more should have been done to prevent the tragedy. I can guarantee you if she could go back in time or be presented with a similar scenario in the future, she'd 100% go out of her way to guarantee a better outcome. Unfortunately, that does nothing for this outcome. And that's just kinda where things are right now. Best of luck on the path to forgiveness, and in taking care of yourself in the meantime.
  3. Echoing the suggestion from others to pursue social services. If you legit don't have the income to sustain market rent, there's a decent enough chance you'd qualify for aid, especially if you're not married to this guy. His property and income, or even the fact you live with him right now will almost certainly have zero bearing on what you qualify for. Don't know the guy to say whether he'd deserve it or not, but generally speaking it's not cool to pretend to be committed to someone for the sake of taking up their space. Likewise I'm sure it's not a fun existence for you nor a great representation of adult relationships for your son. Do some serious exploration of your options. Best of luck.
  4. Blacking out =/= unconscious or otherwise incapacitated. I've forgotten stretches of time after a few beers over the course of a whole evening and have fully remembered lying on my back in a parking lot in my own vomit, nauseously watching the stars spin in my younger and much dumber days doing benders. And beyond conjecture, there is a physiological distinction. Alcohol inhibits long-term memory processing. The most sure way to limit the effect is to not drink at all. Not drinking yourself to impairment and beyond certainly helps as well. If you were laid out passed out or unengaged while you were blacked out, obviously that's not "normal" for someone to enjoy. That's called rape whether you consented to intercourse prior to incapacitation or not. If you were engaged but simply don't remember, that's another matter. There's no way for you or us to know. As has been suggested, taking steps to address your drinking is going to be the ideal solution. In the meantime, you probably are going to want to proactively take sex off the table after any alcohol has been involved.
  5. Not getting how he lied to you. He went from stopping his searching to going back to it without having promised he wouldn't. He simply lost interest in the photos at that moment, which makes sense if you two were new to each other and honeymooning. Then after the second occasion and you having voiced your concerns, the only thing you've come across is an appearance on his explore page, which as DF mentioned is algo-based. If he's searched in the past, there's a good chance something related will pop up there. Generally speaking, and especially for something as near-objectively mild, life's a lot easier assuming good intentions instead of bad from those we claim to love and trust. In any case, it's been established he's fine looking what honestly sounds like pretty timid material while in a relationship, whether or not he particularly cares about it at any given stage. Those are his values to either take or leave. If you're truly and committedly not comfortable with it, find a better match who affirmatively shares the value of not searching for such material ever. Personally, I think it's a better path to romantic success, whether it be with him or someone else in the future, to tackle your insecurities over it, but it's your life to live and certainly your prerogative.
  6. How long has this book been a thing for him? Expecting to make any decent amount of money off it is a bit pie in the sky, but so long as he's also got a paying 9 to 5 going, it's whatever. What have you two previously discussed as far as timeframes for life goals such as having children? It's one thing if you two had tentatively committed to getting it out of the way this year, and now he's reneging. Otherwise, I can't say I think he's definitely or even likely just using the desire to finish writing a book before navigating it along with his job and raising a kid as an excuse to drag his heels. Really, this is going to be a situation you'll be much better able to gauge his sincerity than any of us. Have a real and definitive conversation with him about it. Of course he can't put a timeline on when for sure he'll have finished his book, but you know for yourself when you're gonna start kicking yourself for not getting the ball rolling. You two really haven't been together very long, so I would say it's a bit unfair if you're in effect telling him you guys need to start with treatments and trying for a baby within the next month or two. That will scare most anyone from the prospect. But so long as you're being flexible to his goals without throwing yours into limbo, you've got a real big decision to make as far as compatibility goes if you're getting the impression he just isn't feeling it even generally.
  7. lmao the balls on this guy Seriously, the man needs to go. Like yesterday. The longer you drag it out, the more complicated it may get to kick him out, especially with additional COVID measures intended to protect tenants / residents who aren't ***holes. It's undue stress for you and your family, and can very possible cause long-lasting damage in your relationships between you and your kids.
  8. Buying coins for 1000x the floor value of their legal tenure and grossly marked up from what the actual commodity backing it is currently valued at is about as boomer as a bad investment idea gets in 2021. Literally the worst of what both fiat and commodities have to offer. And no, neither my wife nor myself would assume a conscientiously defensible right to make the decision to drop $4,000 of our joint assets into any. That's hardly either of us lording over the other. Now in fairness to your wife, there's a lot going on where people are understandably concerned about the sustainability of current market mechanics, so hopefully you're not effectively just telling her she's stupid for having the idea. But either of you being uncomfortable with putting such a large sum of shared money into it should be sufficient without involving a philosophical debate over the patriarchy. Getting more to the actual meat of the issue, if she's saved up enough of her discretionary spending to buy them and she just likes the idea of spending $4,000 to have a couple shiny coins in the safe, that should be her prerogative. Or if she feels the division of discretionary funds is unequal or otherwise needlessly burdensome given your relative level of financial comfort, that's its own subject to be broached. I'm not getting the impression that you're opposed to her having a job and a direct means for her own income, but if so, yeah, drop that **** most rikki tik .
  9. Not seeing the issue. Honestly, I wouldn't have even reached out after the change in events. Would've figured my wife would get to enjoy a one-on-one activity with her sibling. Nothing wrong with you two doing your own thing one Friday afternoon.
  10. I'd argue the exact opposite. Someone gets half of your $50 million, you're still in pretty solid shape with your $25million. If you're someone who, say, puts 8+ years of work and debt into school and only after marriage ends up seeing the financial benefits of it, it's pretty reasonable to make sure those benefits aren't forfeited by default to a fully employed spouse and before any children have been introduced into the equation. In any case, this situation has very little to do with pre-nups. The guy's obviously still jaded. It's a toxic element which should be heavily considered. The guy all around simply sounds miserable to me.
  11. Speaking personally, my life's too short to share what's supposed to be a home and sanctuary with someone who's demonstrably willing to inflict physical harm on me. And while tertiary to the risk of immediate physical harm to your person, it is still important to consider if ever you're put in a position to defend yourself, even an abrasion or bruise from restraining or shoving her away can be enough to get you at the very least considered equally culpable from a legal standpoint when matters are reduced to your word against hers. I can't tell you not to try to salvage things. Again, I wouldn't. But if you so insist you should, I will say it's in your best interests to remove yourself or see if she's willing to do so herself until she's willing to take a serious crack at anger management therapy.
  12. Why should he have to gripe about work or "things that may be bothering him?" A lot of people prefer to share much more positive things, such as a construction or landscaping project gone right. Especially with someone fresh they're still getting to know. And admittedly yeah, it probably is a not-so-subtle "look what I can bring to the table" sort of flaunt. You either dig it or you don't. Fair enough either way. I'd worry much less on what problems or mundane everyday details he chooses to complain and overshare about. If you're not building positive and enjoyable experiences with him, that'd be a much more primary consideration. Do you not indulge him with the fruits of your hobbies? What's the rush in slipping into shooting the **** about what watercooler conversations you had that day?
  13. I just keep saying what I was saying.
  14. I'd hate to pull the legs off a spider, but it really is bewildering how this comes to a head after several years and a child together. Moreover, being the dark when it comes to the finances of the person you share a home and child with (and possibly custody of another kid?) is likewise mind-numbing. I get you're not married, but having some vague idea of what kind of financial security your child would have should something happen to you or even should you simply lose your job is pretty ****in' barebones need-to-know. Sadly, how long you've been letting this dynamic run its course is inconsequential toward the reality that it needs to change, and for as unlikely as it will, it's even less likely you can achieve it by essentially trying to simply walk things back. Being firm doesn't mean you pick losing battles, though. For example, as crappy as it is that it seems she's offered you near-zero insight as to her financial health, if you haven't popped the question and signed the marriage certificate, she's correct that her line-item debits, credits, and balances are none of your business. And pushing for her to make them your business isn't solving any problems. Whether any of us takes your account as fact and chooses to collectively **** on her doesn't change the reality that you're far from working from the beginning here. You're heavily entrenched, and it's important to resist taking your eye off the ball and getting petty or otherwise simply offering her any excuse to deflect. And to add to that, none of us has any idea what kind of tone or communication tactics you're invoking which might exacerbate the inherent complications in shaking up a several-year long dynamic. Again, having some form of insight into her ability to contribute to the overall livelihood of your child absolutely should be your business though, even if she can demonstrate it by contributing some fixed amount to monthly expenses. You don't even have to and probably shouldn't word it as "rent." You share a kid just as well as a roof, so there's plenty to justify a joint contribution beyond the mortgage payment coming due. And in lieu of that, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want some form of insight, even if by the means of maybe financial counseling for couples, where she could share her information with the intermediary, who then could work with both your financial realities while not divulging information she may not be comfortable sharing with a non-wed partner. Or even without going in deep on the finances, couples counseling in general. You guys have stretched the elastic band incredibly thin to be hoping to resolve it over coffee at the kitchen table. At the end of the day, if she's not willing to come together at all on this, you'll have no choice but to count yourself solely responsible for your child's financial well-being, and thus will need to act as though you are. I can't tell you to what extent that means you need to pull back and best secure your financial health for the sake of the child, but at the very least, you've got no idea if you're only enabling her own bad financial habits by paying off cars and other expenses.
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