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Everything posted by j.man

  1. Does this guy make a habit of just volunteering completely unnecessary, steaming piles of awful takes? Like yeah, his opinions are bad enough on their own, but the results aren't even in yet. Dude's really determined to make sure he doesn't come in a second late for an opportunity to berate you. There are so many layers of petty to peel there. A lot of folks have provided some great comments with regard to the misogyny and lack of mutual respect. What I'll chime in with is that more generally, it's a huge red flag when somebody sees someone they claim to love enjoying success or have something good happen to them, only to not just think, but express themselves cynically in response to it. Being married now, what benefits myself or my wife tends to residually benefit the other anyhow, but beforehand, I never had a feeling of somehow having been slighted whenever she happened upon a happy surprise or good opportunity for herself. It always weirds me out when I see supposed partners jealous or bitter over the other's benefit. It's very "misery loves company." And especially here, he's put you in a position where you can't "win" with regard to your relationship. Even in the ideal case you both get the promotion, he's already denied you your merits. If you get it and he doesn't, he'll be even further embittered. If he gets it and you don't, in his mind he'll have somehow dunked on the matriarchy, and-- again, in his mind-- you're such a novice you couldn't even get it despite being a broad living life on easy mode. That he'd spit out the initial rant was a bad enough look. That he's turned it into a theme throws away any vaguely good faith you might extend that it was just a bad moment rather than a sincerely internalized opinion and attitude.
  2. It's one of those situations where someone ****ed up and there's no real fixing or remedying it. Albeit not as extreme as getting a friend or relative's dog killed, I've been the offender in some pretty consequential situations before. I've likewise had it happen to me in tragic incidents that have been comparable. What's worked to mitigate long term damage to the relationships is the person harmed (obviously in your case by extension of your dog having suffered the ultimate harm) being straight forward but not aggressive about the fact that, "Hey, I know you didn't mean for it to happen, but it's just gonna take me some time and space." In return, the person who fudged it hopefully has the humility to say "fair enough." It really, really sucks this happened. And IMO you're perfectly reasonable in feeling more should have been done to prevent the tragedy. I can guarantee you if she could go back in time or be presented with a similar scenario in the future, she'd 100% go out of her way to guarantee a better outcome. Unfortunately, that does nothing for this outcome. And that's just kinda where things are right now. Best of luck on the path to forgiveness, and in taking care of yourself in the meantime.
  3. Echoing the suggestion from others to pursue social services. If you legit don't have the income to sustain market rent, there's a decent enough chance you'd qualify for aid, especially if you're not married to this guy. His property and income, or even the fact you live with him right now will almost certainly have zero bearing on what you qualify for. Don't know the guy to say whether he'd deserve it or not, but generally speaking it's not cool to pretend to be committed to someone for the sake of taking up their space. Likewise I'm sure it's not a fun existence for you nor a great representation of adult relationships for your son. Do some serious exploration of your options. Best of luck.
  4. Blacking out =/= unconscious or otherwise incapacitated. I've forgotten stretches of time after a few beers over the course of a whole evening and have fully remembered lying on my back in a parking lot in my own vomit, nauseously watching the stars spin in my younger and much dumber days doing benders. And beyond conjecture, there is a physiological distinction. Alcohol inhibits long-term memory processing. The most sure way to limit the effect is to not drink at all. Not drinking yourself to impairment and beyond certainly helps as well. If you were laid out passed out or unengaged while you were blacked out, obviously that's not "normal" for someone to enjoy. That's called rape whether you consented to intercourse prior to incapacitation or not. If you were engaged but simply don't remember, that's another matter. There's no way for you or us to know. As has been suggested, taking steps to address your drinking is going to be the ideal solution. In the meantime, you probably are going to want to proactively take sex off the table after any alcohol has been involved.
  5. Not getting how he lied to you. He went from stopping his searching to going back to it without having promised he wouldn't. He simply lost interest in the photos at that moment, which makes sense if you two were new to each other and honeymooning. Then after the second occasion and you having voiced your concerns, the only thing you've come across is an appearance on his explore page, which as DF mentioned is algo-based. If he's searched in the past, there's a good chance something related will pop up there. Generally speaking, and especially for something as near-objectively mild, life's a lot easier assuming good intentions instead of bad from those we claim to love and trust. In any case, it's been established he's fine looking what honestly sounds like pretty timid material while in a relationship, whether or not he particularly cares about it at any given stage. Those are his values to either take or leave. If you're truly and committedly not comfortable with it, find a better match who affirmatively shares the value of not searching for such material ever. Personally, I think it's a better path to romantic success, whether it be with him or someone else in the future, to tackle your insecurities over it, but it's your life to live and certainly your prerogative.
  6. How long has this book been a thing for him? Expecting to make any decent amount of money off it is a bit pie in the sky, but so long as he's also got a paying 9 to 5 going, it's whatever. What have you two previously discussed as far as timeframes for life goals such as having children? It's one thing if you two had tentatively committed to getting it out of the way this year, and now he's reneging. Otherwise, I can't say I think he's definitely or even likely just using the desire to finish writing a book before navigating it along with his job and raising a kid as an excuse to drag his heels. Really, this is going to be a situation you'll be much better able to gauge his sincerity than any of us. Have a real and definitive conversation with him about it. Of course he can't put a timeline on when for sure he'll have finished his book, but you know for yourself when you're gonna start kicking yourself for not getting the ball rolling. You two really haven't been together very long, so I would say it's a bit unfair if you're in effect telling him you guys need to start with treatments and trying for a baby within the next month or two. That will scare most anyone from the prospect. But so long as you're being flexible to his goals without throwing yours into limbo, you've got a real big decision to make as far as compatibility goes if you're getting the impression he just isn't feeling it even generally.
  7. lmao the balls on this guy Seriously, the man needs to go. Like yesterday. The longer you drag it out, the more complicated it may get to kick him out, especially with additional COVID measures intended to protect tenants / residents who aren't ***holes. It's undue stress for you and your family, and can very possible cause long-lasting damage in your relationships between you and your kids.
  8. Buying coins for 1000x the floor value of their legal tenure and grossly marked up from what the actual commodity backing it is currently valued at is about as boomer as a bad investment idea gets in 2021. Literally the worst of what both fiat and commodities have to offer. And no, neither my wife nor myself would assume a conscientiously defensible right to make the decision to drop $4,000 of our joint assets into any. That's hardly either of us lording over the other. Now in fairness to your wife, there's a lot going on where people are understandably concerned about the sustainability of current market mechanics, so hopefully you're not effectively just telling her she's stupid for having the idea. But either of you being uncomfortable with putting such a large sum of shared money into it should be sufficient without involving a philosophical debate over the patriarchy. Getting more to the actual meat of the issue, if she's saved up enough of her discretionary spending to buy them and she just likes the idea of spending $4,000 to have a couple shiny coins in the safe, that should be her prerogative. Or if she feels the division of discretionary funds is unequal or otherwise needlessly burdensome given your relative level of financial comfort, that's its own subject to be broached. I'm not getting the impression that you're opposed to her having a job and a direct means for her own income, but if so, yeah, drop that **** most rikki tik .
  9. Not seeing the issue. Honestly, I wouldn't have even reached out after the change in events. Would've figured my wife would get to enjoy a one-on-one activity with her sibling. Nothing wrong with you two doing your own thing one Friday afternoon.
  10. I'd argue the exact opposite. Someone gets half of your $50 million, you're still in pretty solid shape with your $25million. If you're someone who, say, puts 8+ years of work and debt into school and only after marriage ends up seeing the financial benefits of it, it's pretty reasonable to make sure those benefits aren't forfeited by default to a fully employed spouse and before any children have been introduced into the equation. In any case, this situation has very little to do with pre-nups. The guy's obviously still jaded. It's a toxic element which should be heavily considered. The guy all around simply sounds miserable to me.
  11. Speaking personally, my life's too short to share what's supposed to be a home and sanctuary with someone who's demonstrably willing to inflict physical harm on me. And while tertiary to the risk of immediate physical harm to your person, it is still important to consider if ever you're put in a position to defend yourself, even an abrasion or bruise from restraining or shoving her away can be enough to get you at the very least considered equally culpable from a legal standpoint when matters are reduced to your word against hers. I can't tell you not to try to salvage things. Again, I wouldn't. But if you so insist you should, I will say it's in your best interests to remove yourself or see if she's willing to do so herself until she's willing to take a serious crack at anger management therapy.
  12. Why should he have to gripe about work or "things that may be bothering him?" A lot of people prefer to share much more positive things, such as a construction or landscaping project gone right. Especially with someone fresh they're still getting to know. And admittedly yeah, it probably is a not-so-subtle "look what I can bring to the table" sort of flaunt. You either dig it or you don't. Fair enough either way. I'd worry much less on what problems or mundane everyday details he chooses to complain and overshare about. If you're not building positive and enjoyable experiences with him, that'd be a much more primary consideration. Do you not indulge him with the fruits of your hobbies? What's the rush in slipping into shooting the **** about what watercooler conversations you had that day?
  13. I just keep saying what I was saying.
  14. I'd hate to pull the legs off a spider, but it really is bewildering how this comes to a head after several years and a child together. Moreover, being the dark when it comes to the finances of the person you share a home and child with (and possibly custody of another kid?) is likewise mind-numbing. I get you're not married, but having some vague idea of what kind of financial security your child would have should something happen to you or even should you simply lose your job is pretty ****in' barebones need-to-know. Sadly, how long you've been letting this dynamic run its course is inconsequential toward the reality that it needs to change, and for as unlikely as it will, it's even less likely you can achieve it by essentially trying to simply walk things back. Being firm doesn't mean you pick losing battles, though. For example, as crappy as it is that it seems she's offered you near-zero insight as to her financial health, if you haven't popped the question and signed the marriage certificate, she's correct that her line-item debits, credits, and balances are none of your business. And pushing for her to make them your business isn't solving any problems. Whether any of us takes your account as fact and chooses to collectively **** on her doesn't change the reality that you're far from working from the beginning here. You're heavily entrenched, and it's important to resist taking your eye off the ball and getting petty or otherwise simply offering her any excuse to deflect. And to add to that, none of us has any idea what kind of tone or communication tactics you're invoking which might exacerbate the inherent complications in shaking up a several-year long dynamic. Again, having some form of insight into her ability to contribute to the overall livelihood of your child absolutely should be your business though, even if she can demonstrate it by contributing some fixed amount to monthly expenses. You don't even have to and probably shouldn't word it as "rent." You share a kid just as well as a roof, so there's plenty to justify a joint contribution beyond the mortgage payment coming due. And in lieu of that, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want some form of insight, even if by the means of maybe financial counseling for couples, where she could share her information with the intermediary, who then could work with both your financial realities while not divulging information she may not be comfortable sharing with a non-wed partner. Or even without going in deep on the finances, couples counseling in general. You guys have stretched the elastic band incredibly thin to be hoping to resolve it over coffee at the kitchen table. At the end of the day, if she's not willing to come together at all on this, you'll have no choice but to count yourself solely responsible for your child's financial well-being, and thus will need to act as though you are. I can't tell you to what extent that means you need to pull back and best secure your financial health for the sake of the child, but at the very least, you've got no idea if you're only enabling her own bad financial habits by paying off cars and other expenses.
  15. It's a difficult situation. There's a fine line between "mothering" him and outright dismissing him. Speaking personally, the wife and I are among the incredibly privileged to essentially have our biggest economic consequence be having to work more from home. Our careers have been virtually untouched, and mine having in fact improved (by no effort for my part). Frankly, if I were in a position to where I was furloughed during the first lockdown, went back to work under very questionable circumstances, and then experienced yet another furlough during a second lockdown amid a double-dip recession, I'd probably be pretty dejected. That said, it's by no means a license for him to, even if as a more hyperbolic example, go off on you for him having done dinner dishes the 5th night in a row when this is pretty much the only way he can tangibly contribute right now. At the same time, I think a lot of very resentful couples similar to you two right now are skirting the reality that one or the other simply isn't going to be able to financially contribute to your joint livelihoods in the short-term future, and you gotta kinda come to a no-BS assessment and agreement on how the unemployed partner can in the meantime contribute while still maintain their sanity and being able to pursue constructive hobbies and interests. I don't know how much you two have discussed or if he's been offered the option, but especially right now where people are unemployed by virtually no fault of their own, it's a huge weight off if they're provided some assurance that you appreciate what they are contributing around the house, and that it's fine in the more immediate future if they. again, focus more on constructive hobbies and interests in lieu of languishing over losing a job or finding one amid the worst recession the UK has faced in 300 years. That's not to say roll over and allow yourself to be taken advantage of. But again speaking personally, I'd give my wife or then-girlfriend the benefit of that assurance and the confidence they could independently take care of themselves, providing them the space to do so, before treating it as any sort of hard negotiation. Beyond that, I just say best of luck. I again consider myself extremely fortunate for not having had to navigate this kind of dynamic during the pandemic, even with as confident as I am in my marriage.
  16. Who initiated and got the first dates rolling to begin with? Literally anything that could be said about them not reaching out to you could be said if you don't or wouldn't have reached out to them. It's not a man's "job" to do anything for a strange woman, no yours to do anything for a strange man. If you want something, go for it. If you feel you're putting a disproportionate effort in, then let it go. That's a genderless concept. However, if say a man initiates and gets the first date arranged, maybe pays, passes the ball to you for the easy layup letting you know he's interested in seeing you again at the end of the date, it's not some self-deprecating effort for your part to send a text the next day to get the ball rolling on some plans. Nor would it necessarily be him looking at you as stale leftovers for wanting his initial effort reciprocated. Personally, it wasn't my style when I dated. Especially if we're talking after a single first date, it wasn't some jaded "well if she was interested enough, she'd call me." If I liked them and got the impression they were into me as well, I didn't take it as some slight to follow up with them first. Though I will say the vast majority of women did happen to get back to me the next day or the day after that to plan a second date, my now-wife happening to have been among them. You do you, though. You're entitled to your preferences, and if having reached out to arrange the second date is a deal breaker for you, don't let me or anyone else talk you out of it. Don't put more effort into someone than you think is worth or genuinely feel isn't being returned. Moreover, if it is off-putting to you, then maybe don't... ? Seems strange you're stuck on it being the guy's job yet you're out there doing it. Having a filter is fine. Just stick with it lest you invite yourself unnecessarily into resentful situations. Very easy way to grow bitter.
  17. Paternity has been established, which is far and away the biggest obstacle to having child support ordered. From there, it's pretty much algorithmic. You need to go file for it. I just feel bad for the dude who was told the newborn kid was his for 1.5 years despite you knowing you were sexually active with another man in that time. I can't even imagine.
  18. The golfing thing is a non-issue. And honestly, if you're not feeling it, stop going golfing with him. Having at least a couple separate hobbies is more often than not a very healthy relationship dynamic. The whole wedding thing depends. I don't know how much of it is him interrupting your steak dinner to remind you that your daughter is signing her death warrant for having a wedding in Chicago or whether you're simply including him too much in the discussion, wherein yes, he's going to give his opinion when solicited for it. At the end of the day, it's her wedding, and that's that. Leave the topic alone. It's best to keep the space open for any disagreements that are actually of any consequence and thus worth the energy exploring. I guess my bigger question is what exactly are you bringing to the table in terms of couples activities and interest aside from your daughter's wedding plans? It's often hard to make a distinction between situations where someone is grabbing the other person's arm and dragging them or when one person simply goes the direction the feintest wind decides for them. Draw some boundaries. Do things you like to do-- both by yourself and with him. Sitting back and waiting for someone to take the wheel in the way you prefer to be driven isn't the most efficient way to navigate romances.
  19. So your biggest gripe against a boyfriend who seemingly makes a habit of borrowing money from multiple people is that he pays them back quicker than you? I mean you could print out a page of all of us saying he should be paying you back quicker and without solicitation, but at the end of the day you'll still have someone on your hands who's-- at least by your account-- a pretty notorious mooch. And insofar as you're cool with that, I'm not sure what great results you're otherwise expecting.
  20. Really hard to pass judgement. What happens in families and between siblings from childhood into adulthood is incredibly variable. I ultimately wouldn't condemn a sibling to homelessness if push came to shove, but there are certainly a couple siblings I'd hesitate more than the others to clean the sheets for. Add to that some people just have an escalated need for privacy. If your brother's single with no wife, kids, or pets and yet is sitting in a 5BR house on a 3 acre plot, my guess is that entire formula is likely at least in large part non-coincidental. I also don't have any brothers or sisters with $2,000,000+ in assets. Understanding a large chunk of it probably isn't liquid and you obviously don't want to dip your hand too deep in the portion that is, what's the point in accruing wealth if you can't or aren't going to ever drop a few grand into something like an extended stay hotel in the case of an Act of God leveling your home? The wife and I have nowhere near that amount in investments and savings, but we are comfortable enough where there's no way asking family if we could stay at theirs for months at a time would be the go-to. It may be that reality and expectation has played into your brother's attitude toward your predicament and request. Sorry to hear about your house. Hope all the repairs go well and you're back to the comfort of your own home ASAP.
  21. I'd be interested in some clarification myself. I'm an introvert. Introversion has nothing to do with who gathers at whose place across the street. There are no boundaries to set nor any feelings you or your husband need to consider if other grown adults are doing as they please peacefully in their own homes or property. With respect to how much it must suck to live with such anxiety, and assuming I'm inferring the context correctly, this really is a "you" problem I wouldn't take shortcuts in addressing professionally.
  22. I've had indoor and outdoor cats. Both categories lived long and healthy lives with the right vaccinations and checkups. It's not really for medical reasons I'd keep your cat inside. It's that she's gone two years as an indoor cat. It's a pretty intense learning curve, and one which leaves a lot of room for injury or death letting her loose in an uncontrolled or relatively uncontrolled outdoor environment. Genetic instinct isn't much of a gap filler for having to navigate birds of prey now being a thing when for all her formative life, the greatest danger she's ever known is sneaking on the stove while the burner's still hot. The interaction with the neighbor's cat going well is on its own lucky enough. I'd focus more on not letting her get out. If your arms are full, leave a few bags at the door and make a second trip. If it's something big, go in and coral her into a room so you can bring it in without worry.
  23. OIF II and III here. Believe me, you don't want to go down the road of comparing deployments and getting spiteful over differing levels of suck. All I ever knew was stateside training and, transport aside, Iraq. It's easy to get spiteful listening to people tell stories about Germany, Hawaii, Korea, Japan, etc. And yeah, it may be that it objectively sucks less for your boyfriend. It is what it is, though. We signed up for it. While it might be harder to internalize in the moment, I'd try to consider that if boredom is the worst you suffer, that's a good deployment. As another point, once upon a time I was the kind of person who'd see my partner in a happier or more comfortable position than me and get jealous or spiteful. Could be that I was home sick and she gets to go out and enjoy brunch with her friends. She might have still gotten great gifts from her family for Christmas and birthdays while I get a simple card. If I hadn't consciously decided not to date while enlisted, it would have most likely been she wasn't a combat troop in a theater. Then I had to ask myself why I was upset. They weren't harming me in any way in order to be in a more comfortable place. There was nothing she or I could do to change the predicament I was in. Why would I see my partner enjoying something and hold it against them? When I dropped the whole misery loves company angle, I found myself a lot less miserable. If you can't talk about your deployment without getting upset, and if hearing him talk about his gets you upset, then you've gotta do your part to find something worth talking about and which doesn't get you in a tiff. It also may be worth scaling back communication a bit. It sounds counter intuitive, but a lot of times it's too much communication that can hurt morale. But as far as things you can do, my Gameboy Color and copy of Pokemon Red got me through some otherwise pretty unbearable 16-hour QRF shifts. You could also take it as a good opportunity to buy some cheap textbooks or manuals and a notebook to get a head start in picking up some new skills. Or even as strictly leisure. Not only is it good for you, but you would then have more positive things to talk about. Personal development is probably going to be your best bet in getting out of the depressive rut. If you really don't think you can, which is completely fine, I'd see if you can't reach out for some services at a company level.
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