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Everything posted by j.man

  1. Kind of an awkward way to title the thread if really all you want is to let him spend time with his daughter / family while you spend time with yours. How much of the argument has been you being willing to go but-for the ex being present rather than simply, "Hey, it's a good year for me to get to hang out with my siblings for the holidays while you enjoy being around your daughter and her family?" While I'd definitely lean toward it being a good idea for you to go, I actually don't think you should be compelled to go. That said, I'd also make sure you're not framing it spitefully. So long as you're being genuine and communicating in good faith, he shouldn't have a problem with you guys enjoying yourselves with your own people for a single weekend. I might see the point if you were involved with his daughter at any point during her childhood, but it sounds like you and he got together when he was or was right about to be an empty nester. I think at that point you can forego these kinds of politics. You mention she's come around for holidays before and you've gotten along well. It doesn't seem to me you're forsaking the fact he's got a daughter or anything.
  2. She's physically abusive. What's life if you can't feel safe in your home with someone you're supposed to trust the most? Frankly, for as bad as it is to lie, it's tertiary to the fact she's physically harming you. If that on its own isn't enough, consider if you'd ever need to push her away or restrain her, one mark is all it takes for it to be her word against yours and you suddenly finding yourself in a world of legal trouble. It's not worth it. Find a woman who's comfortable with either or both of you consuming porn. They're certainly not unicorns. Nor are women who'd simply assert their boundaries and leave without resorting to demanding you forfeit your privacy and hitting you.
  3. Alright, folks. Vasectomies are among the less invasive surgical procedures out there, but no, a 32 year old shouldn't have to put his money where his mouth is by going for one when you can get a bulk order of good condoms off Amazon for $0.30 a pop. Early 30s is hardly "oof you're where you're gonna be." And nobody should treat even the most minor of surgeries as something you just casually snip and maybe reverse. People who change their minds leading into their mid-30s are a dime-a-dozen, particularly in an era the average age of people are starting families has gone absolutely parabolic. I'm not seeing anywhere the OP suggesting the woman should so much as even go on the pill, so I think it's bad faith to assume he's putting the responsibility of birth control on her. That out of the way, one of my biggest concerns with age-gap relationships with one party happens to be so young is the older individual abdicating on the responsibility that comes with relative life experience. You're at a point where, even if not 100% certain you ever want kids, you should at the very least be able to identify such ginormous clashes in present life goals and values. She wants kids; you don't. It may well change between either or both of you, but that's not how you treat a discrepancy in such rudimentary life goals. We're not talking whether she'd ever come around on going to a Moby concert with you. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You don't need to be, as a wise man once said, "jerking her around." If there's any objective criticism to be had, I'd lay it there.
  4. Why would you need to wait for him to come back with his availability? Surely you've got your own schedule. Find a time you're available and would like to see him again and ask. If he's initiated the first couple dates, just reciprocate. It's really not meant to be a game. As far as "OK" goes, enough people use it with "let's do it" implied with it. It's not worth mulling over IMO. You either ask and he agrees to see you again or he doesn't.
  5. Quoted for emphasis. Too many people conflate controlling behavior with some kind of altruism because they really care about their partner. Fact is he's not up to your standards, and you'd rather compel or nag him to conform to them than find someone who actually is the willing partner you'd like. The good news is you're only 18. It's better to learn the lesson after having dated a 19 year old, for all intents and purposes kid caught in a typical enough late adolescent slump than hitting 35 and finding yourself still investing in trying to fix what will be then genuine dead-beats. And on the other side of that coin, making it a habit to control or fix people quickly goes from the generally miserable dynamic it seems to be right now to toxic and borderline abusive practice. Date, be picky while treating yourself and others with respect, and learn to live and let live by simply voting with your feet. Trust me, everyone ends up happier. You're gonna meet plenty of 19 year old dudes like this one, and you'll meet a dozen clingmasters who have yet to learn what overcompensating means, which incidentally will probably be the guy who does eagerly want to celebrate something like a 6 month anniversary. It's all about learning to recognize what fits and what doesn't. As your picker gets better and better, you'll find guys who are a much healthier median between the extremes. Being this young and in such a target rich environment certainly isn't the time to start settling for relationships that turn unhappy after all of half a year.
  6. Sorry to post and ditch. Amazing all the love you guys have given! We're incredibly pumped, and she's just started to get her baby bump going strong. Due mid-March. I'm eagerly awaiting the phase where she wants random junk / fast food so that I can hopefully catch a short break from the oven, but we'll see. I'll definitely pop in as things go along. I've slung enough amateur advice to where it's only fair I shed some personal experiences myself. Got a homestead going and so long as everything goes well and healthy, am gonna be a SAHD as she makes a boatload more than I do and I can work from home and dictate my own hours as finances demand. Certain there will be plenty to write about! Pics too if you guys like babies and goats.
  7. Such a needlessly convoluted dynamic. If for whatever reason your respective porn interests are a topic of conversation, keep it as such. I'm kinda doubting he's sending you d1ck picks to compete against a 9" shlong you've seen in a video, so why send a t1t pic under such a pretense? As others have noted, focus on your romance in healthier and much more direct ways. Nothing you've provided is adequate information to make any kind of judgment on your overall marital dynamic. But while I understand many couples do comfortably share things like porn preferences, it's obvious the topic doesn't seem to benefit you much. Probably a better idea to let each other enjoy it on private terms. I'd go from there.
  8. Everybody throw your hands UP
  9. Does this guy make a habit of just volunteering completely unnecessary, steaming piles of awful takes? Like yeah, his opinions are bad enough on their own, but the results aren't even in yet. Dude's really determined to make sure he doesn't come in a second late for an opportunity to berate you. There are so many layers of petty to peel there. A lot of folks have provided some great comments with regard to the misogyny and lack of mutual respect. What I'll chime in with is that more generally, it's a huge red flag when somebody sees someone they claim to love enjoying success or have something good happen to them, only to not just think, but express themselves cynically in response to it. Being married now, what benefits myself or my wife tends to residually benefit the other anyhow, but beforehand, I never had a feeling of somehow having been slighted whenever she happened upon a happy surprise or good opportunity for herself. It always weirds me out when I see supposed partners jealous or bitter over the other's benefit. It's very "misery loves company." And especially here, he's put you in a position where you can't "win" with regard to your relationship. Even in the ideal case you both get the promotion, he's already denied you your merits. If you get it and he doesn't, he'll be even further embittered. If he gets it and you don't, in his mind he'll have somehow dunked on the matriarchy, and-- again, in his mind-- you're such a novice you couldn't even get it despite being a broad living life on easy mode. That he'd spit out the initial rant was a bad enough look. That he's turned it into a theme throws away any vaguely good faith you might extend that it was just a bad moment rather than a sincerely internalized opinion and attitude.
  10. It's one of those situations where someone ****ed up and there's no real fixing or remedying it. Albeit not as extreme as getting a friend or relative's dog killed, I've been the offender in some pretty consequential situations before. I've likewise had it happen to me in tragic incidents that have been comparable. What's worked to mitigate long term damage to the relationships is the person harmed (obviously in your case by extension of your dog having suffered the ultimate harm) being straight forward but not aggressive about the fact that, "Hey, I know you didn't mean for it to happen, but it's just gonna take me some time and space." In return, the person who fudged it hopefully has the humility to say "fair enough." It really, really sucks this happened. And IMO you're perfectly reasonable in feeling more should have been done to prevent the tragedy. I can guarantee you if she could go back in time or be presented with a similar scenario in the future, she'd 100% go out of her way to guarantee a better outcome. Unfortunately, that does nothing for this outcome. And that's just kinda where things are right now. Best of luck on the path to forgiveness, and in taking care of yourself in the meantime.
  11. Echoing the suggestion from others to pursue social services. If you legit don't have the income to sustain market rent, there's a decent enough chance you'd qualify for aid, especially if you're not married to this guy. His property and income, or even the fact you live with him right now will almost certainly have zero bearing on what you qualify for. Don't know the guy to say whether he'd deserve it or not, but generally speaking it's not cool to pretend to be committed to someone for the sake of taking up their space. Likewise I'm sure it's not a fun existence for you nor a great representation of adult relationships for your son. Do some serious exploration of your options. Best of luck.
  12. Blacking out =/= unconscious or otherwise incapacitated. I've forgotten stretches of time after a few beers over the course of a whole evening and have fully remembered lying on my back in a parking lot in my own vomit, nauseously watching the stars spin in my younger and much dumber days doing benders. And beyond conjecture, there is a physiological distinction. Alcohol inhibits long-term memory processing. The most sure way to limit the effect is to not drink at all. Not drinking yourself to impairment and beyond certainly helps as well. If you were laid out passed out or unengaged while you were blacked out, obviously that's not "normal" for someone to enjoy. That's called rape whether you consented to intercourse prior to incapacitation or not. If you were engaged but simply don't remember, that's another matter. There's no way for you or us to know. As has been suggested, taking steps to address your drinking is going to be the ideal solution. In the meantime, you probably are going to want to proactively take sex off the table after any alcohol has been involved.
  13. Not getting how he lied to you. He went from stopping his searching to going back to it without having promised he wouldn't. He simply lost interest in the photos at that moment, which makes sense if you two were new to each other and honeymooning. Then after the second occasion and you having voiced your concerns, the only thing you've come across is an appearance on his explore page, which as DF mentioned is algo-based. If he's searched in the past, there's a good chance something related will pop up there. Generally speaking, and especially for something as near-objectively mild, life's a lot easier assuming good intentions instead of bad from those we claim to love and trust. In any case, it's been established he's fine looking what honestly sounds like pretty timid material while in a relationship, whether or not he particularly cares about it at any given stage. Those are his values to either take or leave. If you're truly and committedly not comfortable with it, find a better match who affirmatively shares the value of not searching for such material ever. Personally, I think it's a better path to romantic success, whether it be with him or someone else in the future, to tackle your insecurities over it, but it's your life to live and certainly your prerogative.
  14. How long has this book been a thing for him? Expecting to make any decent amount of money off it is a bit pie in the sky, but so long as he's also got a paying 9 to 5 going, it's whatever. What have you two previously discussed as far as timeframes for life goals such as having children? It's one thing if you two had tentatively committed to getting it out of the way this year, and now he's reneging. Otherwise, I can't say I think he's definitely or even likely just using the desire to finish writing a book before navigating it along with his job and raising a kid as an excuse to drag his heels. Really, this is going to be a situation you'll be much better able to gauge his sincerity than any of us. Have a real and definitive conversation with him about it. Of course he can't put a timeline on when for sure he'll have finished his book, but you know for yourself when you're gonna start kicking yourself for not getting the ball rolling. You two really haven't been together very long, so I would say it's a bit unfair if you're in effect telling him you guys need to start with treatments and trying for a baby within the next month or two. That will scare most anyone from the prospect. But so long as you're being flexible to his goals without throwing yours into limbo, you've got a real big decision to make as far as compatibility goes if you're getting the impression he just isn't feeling it even generally.
  15. lmao the balls on this guy Seriously, the man needs to go. Like yesterday. The longer you drag it out, the more complicated it may get to kick him out, especially with additional COVID measures intended to protect tenants / residents who aren't ***holes. It's undue stress for you and your family, and can very possible cause long-lasting damage in your relationships between you and your kids.
  16. Buying coins for 1000x the floor value of their legal tenure and grossly marked up from what the actual commodity backing it is currently valued at is about as boomer as a bad investment idea gets in 2021. Literally the worst of what both fiat and commodities have to offer. And no, neither my wife nor myself would assume a conscientiously defensible right to make the decision to drop $4,000 of our joint assets into any. That's hardly either of us lording over the other. Now in fairness to your wife, there's a lot going on where people are understandably concerned about the sustainability of current market mechanics, so hopefully you're not effectively just telling her she's stupid for having the idea. But either of you being uncomfortable with putting such a large sum of shared money into it should be sufficient without involving a philosophical debate over the patriarchy. Getting more to the actual meat of the issue, if she's saved up enough of her discretionary spending to buy them and she just likes the idea of spending $4,000 to have a couple shiny coins in the safe, that should be her prerogative. Or if she feels the division of discretionary funds is unequal or otherwise needlessly burdensome given your relative level of financial comfort, that's its own subject to be broached. I'm not getting the impression that you're opposed to her having a job and a direct means for her own income, but if so, yeah, drop that **** most rikki tik .
  17. Not seeing the issue. Honestly, I wouldn't have even reached out after the change in events. Would've figured my wife would get to enjoy a one-on-one activity with her sibling. Nothing wrong with you two doing your own thing one Friday afternoon.
  18. I'd argue the exact opposite. Someone gets half of your $50 million, you're still in pretty solid shape with your $25million. If you're someone who, say, puts 8+ years of work and debt into school and only after marriage ends up seeing the financial benefits of it, it's pretty reasonable to make sure those benefits aren't forfeited by default to a fully employed spouse and before any children have been introduced into the equation. In any case, this situation has very little to do with pre-nups. The guy's obviously still jaded. It's a toxic element which should be heavily considered. The guy all around simply sounds miserable to me.
  19. Speaking personally, my life's too short to share what's supposed to be a home and sanctuary with someone who's demonstrably willing to inflict physical harm on me. And while tertiary to the risk of immediate physical harm to your person, it is still important to consider if ever you're put in a position to defend yourself, even an abrasion or bruise from restraining or shoving her away can be enough to get you at the very least considered equally culpable from a legal standpoint when matters are reduced to your word against hers. I can't tell you not to try to salvage things. Again, I wouldn't. But if you so insist you should, I will say it's in your best interests to remove yourself or see if she's willing to do so herself until she's willing to take a serious crack at anger management therapy.
  20. Why should he have to gripe about work or "things that may be bothering him?" A lot of people prefer to share much more positive things, such as a construction or landscaping project gone right. Especially with someone fresh they're still getting to know. And admittedly yeah, it probably is a not-so-subtle "look what I can bring to the table" sort of flaunt. You either dig it or you don't. Fair enough either way. I'd worry much less on what problems or mundane everyday details he chooses to complain and overshare about. If you're not building positive and enjoyable experiences with him, that'd be a much more primary consideration. Do you not indulge him with the fruits of your hobbies? What's the rush in slipping into shooting the **** about what watercooler conversations you had that day?
  21. I just keep saying what I was saying.
  22. I'd hate to pull the legs off a spider, but it really is bewildering how this comes to a head after several years and a child together. Moreover, being the dark when it comes to the finances of the person you share a home and child with (and possibly custody of another kid?) is likewise mind-numbing. I get you're not married, but having some vague idea of what kind of financial security your child would have should something happen to you or even should you simply lose your job is pretty ****in' barebones need-to-know. Sadly, how long you've been letting this dynamic run its course is inconsequential toward the reality that it needs to change, and for as unlikely as it will, it's even less likely you can achieve it by essentially trying to simply walk things back. Being firm doesn't mean you pick losing battles, though. For example, as crappy as it is that it seems she's offered you near-zero insight as to her financial health, if you haven't popped the question and signed the marriage certificate, she's correct that her line-item debits, credits, and balances are none of your business. And pushing for her to make them your business isn't solving any problems. Whether any of us takes your account as fact and chooses to collectively **** on her doesn't change the reality that you're far from working from the beginning here. You're heavily entrenched, and it's important to resist taking your eye off the ball and getting petty or otherwise simply offering her any excuse to deflect. And to add to that, none of us has any idea what kind of tone or communication tactics you're invoking which might exacerbate the inherent complications in shaking up a several-year long dynamic. Again, having some form of insight into her ability to contribute to the overall livelihood of your child absolutely should be your business though, even if she can demonstrate it by contributing some fixed amount to monthly expenses. You don't even have to and probably shouldn't word it as "rent." You share a kid just as well as a roof, so there's plenty to justify a joint contribution beyond the mortgage payment coming due. And in lieu of that, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want some form of insight, even if by the means of maybe financial counseling for couples, where she could share her information with the intermediary, who then could work with both your financial realities while not divulging information she may not be comfortable sharing with a non-wed partner. Or even without going in deep on the finances, couples counseling in general. You guys have stretched the elastic band incredibly thin to be hoping to resolve it over coffee at the kitchen table. At the end of the day, if she's not willing to come together at all on this, you'll have no choice but to count yourself solely responsible for your child's financial well-being, and thus will need to act as though you are. I can't tell you to what extent that means you need to pull back and best secure your financial health for the sake of the child, but at the very least, you've got no idea if you're only enabling her own bad financial habits by paying off cars and other expenses.
  23. It's a difficult situation. There's a fine line between "mothering" him and outright dismissing him. Speaking personally, the wife and I are among the incredibly privileged to essentially have our biggest economic consequence be having to work more from home. Our careers have been virtually untouched, and mine having in fact improved (by no effort for my part). Frankly, if I were in a position to where I was furloughed during the first lockdown, went back to work under very questionable circumstances, and then experienced yet another furlough during a second lockdown amid a double-dip recession, I'd probably be pretty dejected. That said, it's by no means a license for him to, even if as a more hyperbolic example, go off on you for him having done dinner dishes the 5th night in a row when this is pretty much the only way he can tangibly contribute right now. At the same time, I think a lot of very resentful couples similar to you two right now are skirting the reality that one or the other simply isn't going to be able to financially contribute to your joint livelihoods in the short-term future, and you gotta kinda come to a no-BS assessment and agreement on how the unemployed partner can in the meantime contribute while still maintain their sanity and being able to pursue constructive hobbies and interests. I don't know how much you two have discussed or if he's been offered the option, but especially right now where people are unemployed by virtually no fault of their own, it's a huge weight off if they're provided some assurance that you appreciate what they are contributing around the house, and that it's fine in the more immediate future if they. again, focus more on constructive hobbies and interests in lieu of languishing over losing a job or finding one amid the worst recession the UK has faced in 300 years. That's not to say roll over and allow yourself to be taken advantage of. But again speaking personally, I'd give my wife or then-girlfriend the benefit of that assurance and the confidence they could independently take care of themselves, providing them the space to do so, before treating it as any sort of hard negotiation. Beyond that, I just say best of luck. I again consider myself extremely fortunate for not having had to navigate this kind of dynamic during the pandemic, even with as confident as I am in my marriage.
  24. Who initiated and got the first dates rolling to begin with? Literally anything that could be said about them not reaching out to you could be said if you don't or wouldn't have reached out to them. It's not a man's "job" to do anything for a strange woman, no yours to do anything for a strange man. If you want something, go for it. If you feel you're putting a disproportionate effort in, then let it go. That's a genderless concept. However, if say a man initiates and gets the first date arranged, maybe pays, passes the ball to you for the easy layup letting you know he's interested in seeing you again at the end of the date, it's not some self-deprecating effort for your part to send a text the next day to get the ball rolling on some plans. Nor would it necessarily be him looking at you as stale leftovers for wanting his initial effort reciprocated. Personally, it wasn't my style when I dated. Especially if we're talking after a single first date, it wasn't some jaded "well if she was interested enough, she'd call me." If I liked them and got the impression they were into me as well, I didn't take it as some slight to follow up with them first. Though I will say the vast majority of women did happen to get back to me the next day or the day after that to plan a second date, my now-wife happening to have been among them. You do you, though. You're entitled to your preferences, and if having reached out to arrange the second date is a deal breaker for you, don't let me or anyone else talk you out of it. Don't put more effort into someone than you think is worth or genuinely feel isn't being returned. Moreover, if it is off-putting to you, then maybe don't... ? Seems strange you're stuck on it being the guy's job yet you're out there doing it. Having a filter is fine. Just stick with it lest you invite yourself unnecessarily into resentful situations. Very easy way to grow bitter.
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