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Everything posted by purplepaisley

  1. I'm going to echo that this guy needs some serious education on "not creepy" pickup skills. Go to his house to see his plants?? Yeah...no...absolutely do not feel bad for feeling weird about this invitation or declining it. Maybe he has two left feet; maybe he's nutters. Meet for coffee, and heck, he could bring some clippings! Pickups happen in the grocery store sometimes, and these can be fun, but the grocery store isn't necessarily some signal of a wholesome, safe meeting. My suggestion would be, if the guy seemed okay and not a creeper, suggest the alternative..."I would love to see your succulents, but maybe we can start with Starbucks first, or a drink?" Proceed to date for awhile before checking out his houseplants and inviting him to see yours.
  2. Sorry to whip out the grammar stick, but your story would be so much easier to read (and get responses) if you used a little bit of punctuation and broke things up into some paragraphs. This woman sounds like a hot mess and an emotional disaster area, and I think you would be best off to avoid her. She started off drunk texting you and you jumped on that wagon. She proceeding to spend 2 days with you in a state of inebriation from what it sounds like. She bounced between crying and emotional outbursts to wanting to fall into bed with you. At the end of it all, I agree, this woman does not sound like she is very mature emotionally, giving her address to a virtual stranger and then putting her 4-year-old child in the middle of it. Most responsible parents do not let strangers meet their children at first. Her behavior seems to be a lot of crazy-making, and potentially a powder keg. She got a meal and some free yard work at the end of the day. You felt you could not approach her home/front door or text when you were there to clean up her yard, and that is another issue, wondering about this strange car in the driveway. It stinks because you truly felt like there was some magical connection, and you were certainly able to swoop in and be her knight in shining armor, but she does not seem like a safe and stable person to continue a relationship with. Don't use her space for storage, either. It's easy to say to dump and run as an outsider, but it's not realistic. I would just say be extremely cautious with this woman going forward, if she ever gets around to calling or texting. I mean, take it seriously slow...though she seems rather unstable and better to let bygones be bygones, IMO. Please be careful, especially when she's inebriated. It's way too much, way too fast. This sudden ghosting isn't proving to be the best clue either. Sorry.
  3. I certainly feel for you here. When it's someone you know, acquaintance, someone from work, you expect something a little different. Like there's a genuine interest and not motivation for a ONS or something casual. I would have done the same thing as you and reached out the next day or the same evening, which I always do anyway, if I had a really nice time. In your case, you saw the rejection and he was rather immature as well, mentioning rejection, when you didn't really reject him; you only rejected fast sex. That's unfortunate, but your reaction was to let him know that you really did have a nice time and hopefully let him know that you are interested. His reaction hurts, and of course we are all thinking he was after some quicky sex...who knows if he wants something more, but to drop away like that because you didn't invite him to your bed is suggestive of just something casual and loose. It's a mixed signal because this is a coworker of the past that popped up, so you probably expected something more to come of it. Huge disappointment. I went through something similar myself and it's rather a letdown. There's not much more I can add outside of if this guy does come back around, a discussion or clarity of what each of you wants is in order. I also wonder if he'll ultimately become one of these guys who disappear, then come back around, then disappear again...rinse and repeat. You'll have to be strong and shut things down if he has that behavior also.
  4. I also agree with Smackie, and I think you're running an uphill battle that you are likely to lose. You had a bad family situation, and this guy you barely knew became your knight in shining armor and rescued you from the mess of your home life. The bottom line is, it was too much too soon, and you had no idea who he really was at the time and that you are not compatible long-term. You jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I don't think you or therapy are going to change him. These actions are not mistakes, they are intentional. I think what you need to do is move out on your own. Find a roommate, work towards a job and a career that offers you the ability to function independently and also work on yourself and your self-esteem. I feel like what you're trying to do is have this man complete you, but not in a healthy way, and you're latched on to that first 2-3 months that were probably pretty great, but unfortunately not a reality. Out of the year you've been together, it sounds like a good 7 months of that year have sucked. Maybe this guy feels suffocated. it's his own fault for pulling you into a live-in relationship when he barely knew you, and probably damaged from your home life, meaning he has had to help you work through your own emotional baggage, when neither of you were in a place to be putting any baggage on each other at all. There is a reason people date first. What I perceive here is a lot of things working backwards. You're starting at the end that isn't working, and trying to re-write the beginning. It's really great if this guy helped you out of a bad situation, and gave you the strength to remove yourself from a bad situation, but I think ideally, this moving in with him would have been temporary while you find a a new place to live, and then you date. Later, if things go well, you could move in together, but if it turns out the dude is actively participating in behaviors you are unhappy with and then lies about it, you would more easily have the option to end it. I know it's not "easy" at all, and I know that it hurts, but it has to be done. This isn't working. You leapt into a serious relationship with a guy you barely knew, and now you know him, and it's not pretty. I'm very sorry. I won't give you hopes of fixing this. I think it's time to cut your losses.
  5. This guy sounds like he was doing the "slow fade." I know, it hurts, but at some point, things weren't working out for him, and rather than telling you, or "officially" breaking up, he just hoped that you would stop trying. It hurts the worst because they put on this aura that they are still very into you, and there are just life circumstances getting in the way. He did "hint" and you did not take the hint (focusing on his career/going cold on you). I do not think that one day a week is too much to ask, and you went further in accepting that every other week would be acceptable. This, after you started out with seeing him twice a week, maybe more. It's reasonable to have the same expectation as far as seeing each other. It also normal that the high level of seeing each may drop a bit because you just can't maintain like that long-term, but this guy just completely dropped out. As a prior person mentioned, there should be progression, not regression, even if seeing each other drops a little at first - this is what I consider to be normal in a new relationship, but if things continue forward, you find ways to spend more time together, not less, but of course both people have to be equally invested in the relationship. This guy was not. This guy wasn't into you anymore, but failed to tell you and make a clean break. Instead he was just "busy." You fought it, denied it, and kept trying to salvage what you started out with until eventually, it ended. Once a week is not too needy, and expecting more time as the relationship progresses is also not needy.
  6. This one really stings, and I'm having a hard time with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, support, and opinions...I appreciate it!
  7. I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men. I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that. Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks. I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious. It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different. Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes. Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc. He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term. As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex. The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on? When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am? So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it. This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?
  8. I agree with JenCrowley. There's something he wants, and he is changing his tune to stay in your good graces. I don't know what he wants, but there is a reason for this turnaround. He seems rather sociopathic or narcissistic. They know how to charm when it suits them and have no remorse or moral compass when treating others poorly when they do not serve a purpose. You state he used to look at you with "hatred with a vengeance," and now all of a sudden he's a kitten. I don't get it. And here you are, getting the "feels." Of course you are. I would too. You need to step outside of this bubble and continue to pay attention to his behaviors towards people outside of his new behavior towards you, and of course how he used to treat you, look at you, and how he made you feel...pretty crappy. People don't change easily, and you know, maybe he is all fluffies and bunnies with a hard, ly shell, or maybe he's just a jerk. This has the feel of walking straight into an abusive relationship. It's just a matter of time when you don't produce whatever it is he seeks that he starts reverting back to his old ways and you become his verbal/emotional punching bag and he starts glaring at you again, blowing you off, ignoring you, saying mean things, gaslighting...the list goes on. Maybe he'll set his sights on someone else. You are vulnerable, and I think you need to be extra cautious with this one because of that. I hope I'm wrong. Maybe it could be a Sheldon/Amy situation, but let's keep in mind, Amy does all the compromising in that relationship and her needs are never really fulfilled because Sheldon is impossible. It's great entertainment, but not something I would want to deal with in real life.
  9. Why did you not contact him? Yes, it is possible that he got his "booty call" and he's just not interested in pursuing something more serious...he'll reach out when he's "in the mood." If you're okay with something casual like this, enjoy, but if you want something long-term and serious, this guy perhaps isn't the one. It might help if you reached out to him a few times instead of waiting on him. Also, have a talk about what he wants. If his actions don't match his words, you'll spare yourself a lot of heartache and worry if you just move on. The kids will be a priority, but there has to be a way to prioritize you, and if he's always too busy or occupied, the question is how long you're willing to wait for him to have time for you, and if his availability does not change, move on. I don't know if he's blowing you off or not, and maybe he's just dating you when he has the time; maybe seeing other women, but one date every couple weeks or so with no communication in the middle is probably not what you want.
  10. Walk away from this one. You state he has never laid a finger on you, but his violent rages have certainly scared you, affected you, and it is abusive. Mark my words, it's just a matter of time before he directs his violence at you. He is a powder keg. Yes, he was out of control. Are you wrong? I do believe you are wrong for maintaining this relationship. I know how hard it is to leave. Abusers are very adept in keeping you sucked in, giving you great happiness and joy in between acts of voilence and abuse. In addition to the violence, he calls you names and refuses to empathize and work with you. Drop your boyfriend. Drop your boyfriend's mother from your FB page, or at the very least, block her from seeing certain messages you post....this would be a stepping stone. Eventually you need to drop both him and her from your life, but understandable if you do not wish to remove her as a FB friend right away. Do yourself a favor and dump this guy. You can do so much better. His behavior so far is huge, glaring warning. He will escalate and he will get worse. I've BTDT.
  11. I wouldn't be okay with this at all. Who knows why she maintains this "chat." She likes the attention? She is too afraid of hurting his feelings and telling him to stop? I can see her just responding instead of telling him to stop, hoping he will go away eventually; however, this is problematic for you, and you have expressed this, and I feel it is inappropriate to maintain this type of "talk." You say you don't care, but you do. You both have to be on the same page, and if she refuses, your choices are to learn to accept it or move on. This type of situation can fester.
  12. I don't know if I would consider this man's behavior a "red flag" just yet. It really comes across to me as his own personal "litmus test" on whether or not a woman is interested or worth pursuing. By his own experiences, he has determined that if a woman is "always unavailable" to talk and can't conform in some way to his own schedule, she's going to be a dud. Maybe he comes off a bit too strong, though, in his insistence, but again, this is his own litmus test, and you may pass, or you may fail. You have choices too, and he may fail your litmus test. For me, arranging a date straight up is good sign. Don't get me wrong, being too forceful and eager can be bad too, but trust me, meeting in person sooner over later is the best way to go. It's way better than getting locked into this perpetual penpal/text and talk situation where never the two shall meet, and someone is always too busy (or traveling) to meet. No meet, no text...end of story. If you can't talk to him later, it is what it is. He declined your offer to touch base the following day, so what does that mean? Is he controlling or strange in his inability to conform to your schedule and needs? Is he selfish and you must comform to him? Is he too needy? Or maybe he needs to know that after your abrupt termination of the earlier call, you are interested enough to touch base later, and sooner over later? I don't know. If he makes you uncomfortable, then it is what it is, and decline any further communication. Absolutely stick to your own boundaries and availability. You should not feel obligated to jump through impossible hoops for a guy you've never met; rather, you should be excited to touch base later, even if it disrupts your routine. He should likewise accept that if you get home too late, you can touch base the next day.
  13. That giant wall of text was difficult to read. Please break up your post into easy-to-read paragraphs. I apologize in advance if I didn't understand something. You were both married when you met and proceeded to have an affair that resulted in a child. He doesn't trust you...you didn't exactly start off on a solid foundation, did you? He sounds psycho, controlling, jealous, and unstable. He will give you the silent treatment, hanging out with the ex, staying at the ex's house, blaming you, recording you, watching, stalking...bad news. If you slept over at your ex-husband's house after a fight or just to "hang" on the weekend with your kid, how well would that go over with him? This man is bad news. You said that he left his wife and moved in with you and when his wife got mad about it, he filed for divorce in November. You *then* state that you "ended up getting pregnant in September." Last I checked, September came a full two months before November, so by my calculation, you were a full two months pregnant when he "decided to file for divorce in November." This situation is messy and sloppy, and this man sounds toxic. I think you need to step back and do not pursue a relationship with this man. You will probably need to seek legal support in regards to your child and seek counselling. It won't be easy to deal with this steaming pile of manure you walked yourself straight into, but the bottom line is, dump this chump. He is not worth it. Your only job right now is to be a good mom and raise an exceptional little human. Historically, boys who grow up in an abusive household grow up to be abusers, while girls who grow up in an abusive household, grow up to be victims of abuse. Break the cycle, OP, and remove this man from your life.
  14. Is hugging a normal action for this guy towards everyone, or is it just you? That would definitely be fodder for prying eyes and gossipy lips. I wonder if there is flirty behavior in general happening that is fueling the gossip mill. Maybe you don't realize you're doing it, or maybe you don't recognize that he is doing it. I have a female coworker who hugs. I really can't say I've noticed much around male coworkers vs. female, but it is clear she hugs her "besties" compared to the "average coworker," or maybe she recognizes boundaries on those who are not amenable to the touchy-feely. I don't know. She hugs. She's not flirty. No biggie. It doesn't raise any eyebrows. Now, if she was shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip with a man in the breakroom or at the desk, with some close-talking and giggles and hugs...yeah, conclusions would be drawn. Do female coworkers garner the same attention from you? I'm going to agree with the rest, and that is not to add any fuel to the fire here and ignore the gossip, but I also feel like you should check yourself and try to identify if you're behaving in a flirty, attention-seeking manner. A booster to your ego of sorts. You already feel insecure and inferior. You felt that you were required to block and end friendships with everyone of the opposite gender when you had a boyfriend - why? Were you flirting with these other men? Was there some potential of dating or just the thrill of the attention and the attraction? Your boyfriend did not feel that he had to go completely nuclear on platonic female friends and coworkers, so you followed suit and reopened the door of accepting opposite gender friendships, but why is it that your entire post is about two men, and that these friendships are in such a way that they are feeding the rumor mill at work? Do you behave differently with these men than you do your female counterparts? I don't mean to place blame on you, OP, but I just feel like these gossipy stories aren't coming out of nowhere. I think it's important that you check yourself here. Be aware of your own actions and behaviors. The bottom line is not to address or add to whatever these people are getting all twisted up about. Don't give the gossip any legs. Check yourself and behave in a professional manner.
  15. It's absolutely normal to want to "put out the feelers" and date when you first make that split, but as you know, you are not ready for a relationship and even "casually dating" or "friends first" from a dating app can be confusing. People don't join dating apps to make friends, and the "friends first, maybe something more" is always a red flag to me...either you do it or you don't. If you're not ready to date, don't join a dating app. You're already involved in that board game group, and there are other meetups you can try. Some are geared towards newly divorced or single parents or single dads. Start there. Your first steps are to finalize your divorce and associated parts and pieces, and create a stable life and home for you and your daughter. Being a single parent is hard, even when you're sharing custody, and dating can be harder, especially with a child so young. Stabilize yourself for now and go from there. Just because you've been separated does not mean you're ready...after the ink dries...after you go through the emotional garbage of it all...then you can think about dating. I think you made a wise choices stepping back from the app.
  16. After 14 months, one would think that he either "found himself" or he's too lost to bother with anymore. I mean, we're talking a full year here, where you keep making excuses for his deplorable and hurtful behavior..."I'm giving him space to find himself." You're nothing more than a wet rug at this point...that that he wipes his feet on with his other conquests. He knows you'll stick around despite his poor treatment of you. After 14 months, you're (considering) writing him and telling him that it's okay if he's seeing other people, and it's okay if he wants to "play the field." You're trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip, all the while telling him it's okay to keep treating you badly. NO! No, no, no. He needs to pee or get off the potty This guy is going to circle back around to you each and every time because you let him, and you keep making excuses for him. When he has nothing else to entertain him, and that other woman doesn't pan out or blows him off on Friday or Saturday, he will contact you as his ever-so-reliable-backup-plan. The second you try to force feelings and something more serious onto him, is the second he backs off for days or weeks, and you start making excuses for him while you are hurt and confused. When he reaches out to you after his absence, he says all the right things and you lap it up like a starving kitten. You deserve better than this. Do not beg him to contact you, telling him him you are free on Friday or Saturday (if, maybe you might get around to me). I agree with Boltnrun, that if you want to give it one last try (seriously, only one), ask him out and be very clear that it's a date. Go OUT, no "Netflix and chill"...in other words, no dates at your home or his...you go out-out. Personally, I've walked this walk, and I don't see the point. I had this on-again-off-again situation, and I realized this would never turn into anything more than a date when he was in the mood (sex didn't always play a role), and I can either enjoy his company with no expectations (on his terms), or completely cut ties...there is no middle here. No expectations, no feelings, no hopes of something more; just a date here and there. If you want more, you need to dump this chump and find someone truly worthy of you.
  17. My experience with this kind of guy is the outcome is not good. He's selfish. Maybe he's just after sex, or he's just self-absorbed, selfish, and not genuinely interested...perhaps otherwise involved in a relationship, married even. Who knows? I just know that in my personal experience, a guy who plans to meet you with such narrow constraints is a selfish man. He plans a "date" with you to coincide with plans he already has going on. He decides last minute if he wants to see you, sandwiching you between other more important things. The few times he has expressed interest in meeting you, it is on short notice..."I've got some time to kill, let's see if Daphnedennis is available." This might be after his three other prospects said "no." Then he has the audacity to get mad at you for not being available at his beck and call. How dare you? He doesn't listen to you and gets annoyed at you when you don't agree with him, and he does very little to understand your point of view. He's "one of those," I suspect where his opinion is the only valid one. Oh sure, he apologized that one time he was an insensitive dolt, but it seems to me, a majority of your conversations are riddled with conflict, and he doesn't spare the rod when it comes to passing judgement on you. Add insult to injury, this, on top of the fact that he can barely find an hour or two to meet you at least once for a friggin' cup of coffee. The bottom line is that a majority of your interaction with this man makes you agitated, worried, and angry, or at the very least, annoyed. You feel belittled by him, I'm sure. He sits on his pedestal and awaits your fawning on him and leaping to his every whim...who cares what works for you. He is, after all, the end-all, be-all of the perfect specimen. Sure, he has his good qualities, which is why you've latched on to him as long as you have. I met and quasi-dated such a character, more than once, I'm afraid. I had one that would cancel on me regularly of which I complied, knowing his health issues, but when I canceled on him last-minute once? That did not go over well, and I even got a nasty email telling me what a horrible person I am. It's okay if they disagree with your POV or challenge your views, but if you do the same with him, it's met with a level of vitriol that far outweighs the issue at hand. I think the bottom line is that if he can't plan in advance to meet you personally, there is something else going on: He has a girlfriend/wife He really isn't all that into you He has too many women in the "little black book" that await his attention and leap to see him when he expresses an interest, you're really an afterthought He is stunted and incapable of a relationship Notice the number of times he "goes dark" and then reemerges like nothing happened. There is way too much conflict and way too much anxiety enveloping this man and whatever relationship you have going, and personally, I think it's best you let this one go.
  18. She's not interested...end of story. She might not be sure, and she might want to keep you on the back burner, "just in case," but the bottom line is what it is...she's just not into you. Maybe she's struggling with herself because you hit all the check-boxes on paper, but in real life, it's just not working. I don't know. Her behavior suggests that in reality, she's just not into you. She wouldn't be back peddling and tossing you crumbs if you were real and long-term for her. I agree on the no contact. No "just friends" and no being okay with "casual." I mean, if you're fine being the guy on the side when the mood strikes her, cool beans, but you're not okay with that, and for that reason, you should not continue doing this toe-dipping and eagerly waiting on the side until she decides to give you some attention. It's really up to you, and "the ball is in your court" to decide how to proceed, and the answer is "no." You can't force her to love you. Accept the reality for what it is and move on. I know it hurts. I read your followup, and you ignored her outreach, and I'm glad you've gathered the strength to do so. She's just not into you...remember that.
  19. Why are you questioning it? Is there something else going on that you are not sharing? No one can give you adequate advice if you're holding back on details. Let's look at some reality and not sugarcoat things -- the reality is, you are probably a rebound. You were buddies when he was crying on your shoulder about his girlfriend, and then they broke up, and he could cry on your shoulder about that, and you were his therapist and his filler, and now you've slept together and he's caring for you and enjoying the sex and companionship while he cries about his ex-girlfriend and how wounded he is, and all is well until he no longer needs you and he moves on...either back to the GF or someone new. Maybe this is the real-deal, and the reason he's doing this is because he likes you and sees a future with you. You've been friends for a long time and now it's moved up to the next level, and he cares for you...not the best of circumstances to move into a new relationship, but maybe it's the real-deal. You sound like you've been crushing on him for a long time, so you easily fell into bed with him, when he became available, but you know something isn't right. Please share the circumstances and history and issues that are confusing you about why he is caring for you...you're omitting something.
  20. I find the pancakes comment in the context you provided as rather juvenile. She also doesn't seem well grounded in reality. You are both clearly in different spheres with your age difference, and given that she comes across as immature to me, that gap is even wider. I can certainly see myself playfully joshing how I like him more than kittens or wine or chocolate. We all see, hear, and read the jokes about if you touch my coffee, I will cut you, etc. But this conversation was a serious conversation and she tells you you're better than pancakes? That may have worked well in junior high or high school, but in the grown-up world, you're better than pancakes? How old is she? 13?? C'mon, really?? I guess it tugged at your heartstrings, so it worked, but I'm cringing over here. Personally, I think I would be offended and question his maturity level if I was reduced to a breakfast food or barely comparable to his yellow Labrador retriever. You have invested way too much time on this girl. I can't say I agree with the full-out lying (lying liar) about her sexual history or her easy-way-out excuse, but it's definitely something worth considering. It didn't even occur to me, but it does make sense. I do believe that she should have been up front about her future aspirations. That's a pretty big pill to swallow. It's no different to me than telling someone up front you have a child or children, or your career comes with frequent relocation, or you or your potential spouse has a job that requires frequent and abundant travel, keeping them away from home, not around to help with the kids, etc., or even severe allergies to cats/dogs which means you can never have any...the list goes on...the deal-breakers and hills to die on. Anyone should know these things up front and center so that they can make choices accordingly. Do I want to marry someone in the military and find that my life, job, and family are uprooted on a regular basis, including overseas? At your age and concern about aging parents and a special needs sibling, uprooting to Tennessee isn't exactly high on your list, let alone if you can find a better, if not equivalent and fulfilling job in the area. Even if you get a great job in the area, you might hate the area so much and being away from your family, it would turn out to be a huge, major mistake. There is a LOT to think about when considering relocation. If this young lady is seeking opportunity and the "perfect job" in Tennessee or Georgia, why hasn't she already taken the leap and moved out there, taken an entry level job on the ground floor to get her foot in the door, get experience, or float by on something that "pays the bills" while she maybe takes some career advancement classes and seeks jobs within the industry? She seems starry-eyed and out of touch with reality, and not well grounded. The thing is, if she's living in her "dream state" and seeking opportunity within that state, she could meet a man who lives in the area, and he just becomes frosting on her perfect cake of life and career goals. Why stay in Missouri and put time and effort into a relationship where relocation for that boyfriend/husband is not an option? You seem to fit her needs here and there when she's lonely or bored, and then the next shiny bauble comes along and absorbs her attention, and she ignores you, your needs. She may be a lying liar...I can agree with that...and she may be a woman-child and/or a user. She barely graduated high school, and even at 23, I question her maturity. I think you should maybe seek women closer to your age; women more established and sure of themselves, and YOU need to work on your self-esteem. Dating other races can be an issue depending on family, religion, culture...we all know these obstacles...and a mature individual would hopefully have the strength to work around those obstacles and create proper boundaries and a united front with their partner, but you can't be in a shivering state of what-if and insecurity, either. I think block and delete is the best choice for you, and no more stalking her FB. Remove her from your life. You need to move on. She seemed perfect, but in her immature state, she just blended with you temporarily until something else came along. Her personality probably changes dramatically depending on who she is with and who she thinks is the "coolest" at the moment. I suspect if you take the time to reflect on her behaviors around people, you will recognize the shape-shifting that has occurred and how her personality dramatically changed to match the person/people of interest.
  21. I didn't find the questions rude. The OP didn't choose her words well, and she also didn't elaborate on what this ICD is. I mean, let's look at what "banging" implies, particularly on a site about dating. Personally, it sounded more like "blowing up my phone," (is it a texting app?) but my mind did think of something more naughty. My medical background did make me consider a cardiac device as well, and thought maybe this guy made her heart go pitter-patter (exciting, handsome, potential long-term), but not everyone is going to have that knowledge or mind-frame, and not everyone is going to do a Google search to interpret what something means. The OP could have stated, "He kept >bumping On that, I wouldn't ask. Not on a first date, especially. I think the OP should discuss it or bring it up when she is ready, as it can be quite rude to ask about it. I have a gnarly scar, and the reality is, I hardly ever think about it and it never occurs to me to explain it. I don't usually bring it up first or volunteer the information. I have responded to questions. I don't mind the questions and nobody has ever been rude. Very few people ask. Why? Because it's rude or can be considered rude, and some people can be more sensitive about such prodding. After 5 dates, is that enough time to inquire, or maybe the guy knows what it is and just doesn't care whether she has an ICD or not. Those answers will come in time. If the OP has a need to explain the device to men she's dating, she should probably become more comfortable bringing it up and volunteering the information. When is a good time to do that? I don't know. She doesn't want to come across as needy or "sickly" by divulging her health issues too soon. Anyway, OP, I think that if this guy is giving you pause as he's coming across as selfish and self-absorbed, I'm glad you put an end to it. I think you did right by giving it a bit more time (at least for your own peace of mind), hopefully he relaxes a little and expresses more of an interest in you, but you didn't waste too much time on a dead end.
  22. I'm not going to say much different than everyone else. I think you need to err on the side of positive over negative in these situations, but you also somehow need to create boundaries, so that you don't get locked into these bad relationships, penpal, blown off more often than you're together, etc. You're not psychic, and I think it's best to consider everyone genuine in their excuse at first. Don't burn a bridge over disappointment. Was there a high probability this guy bailed because there was another woman or another activity that took priority? Yes. Was there a high probability this guy was genuinely sick? Yes. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water on some dude you haven't met yet or barely know. You really shouldn't be putting all of your plans in his basket right now anyway. He was rude, yes, and if this is your hill to die on, you can sever a future without lobbing insults. If you choose another chance and if this becomes a pattern? You don't need to lash out and be mean, just say "thanks but no thanks." "When your life is less busy and you're feeling better, feel free to touch base with me again." You can be more forthright if you've been seeing each other longer...the relationship talk and expectations, but for some dude you barely know? It's really not worth the effort. I know it's easier said than done, and my only advice is not to lob anger at the guy. A simple, "Feel better" will do.
  23. Give him a farewell card or even a post-it note with your number and tell him you'd like to keep in touch, and let the cards fall where they may. If you're already connected on social media, now that the restrictions of dating in the workplace are removed, he might reach out without any more extra effort on your part. If you're connected through social media, you can write him and ask him how the new job is going and lament a little at how you miss your daily chats while wishing him well on his new adventure. Toss out the bait. You have to work a little for it. He's probably as confused as you are on the level of attraction and willingness to take it up a notch. Give him something...give him your number.
  24. I'm really confused at your post. Are you saying that her new friend fixed her up with his brother? Dude, if she's telling you about her dating life, all the while confiding in you about her abusive past and potential dates/boyfriends, you are fully friend-zoned, and this girl is a disaster area of emotional baggage you don't want to touch with a 10-foot pole. If you're seeing and posting pictures of other women to make her jealous, you have some growing up to do. These tactics pretty much always backfire, and when lobbing this at an emotionally unstable woman with 7 years of baggage who's playing games and running hot and cold with you romantically, it will not turn out well. Remove yourself from the drama. I agree with this:
  25. I totally relate to your experiences and can totally empathize. After things went so well the first time (at first), of course you clung to that when reaching out the second time. Maybe he's ready this time; maybe he was just in a bad spot...maybe. And he pulls the same crap he pulled on you the first time, even after showering you with words of sorry, "I wish," and he will do right by you this time, and *thunk*, he does it again. It hurts, and it hurts worse because not only were you clinging to those great times, but you went and plopped yourself right back into the fantasy...and the mess...again, and you feel stupid and used. BTDT, got the T-shirt, as they say. You tried, and I can't fault you for trying. Now you can put this behind you and move on for good. Part of moving on is knowing that you did everything in your power to make it work, so that you can look back and not regret that "what if." You explored the "what if" and got the same results, and there probably is not, and will never be, another path. It hurts, but now it's done. Your choices now are...if he reaches out, you can meet up just because you enjoy his company and casually spend time (don't sleep with him), and continue your life until he comes back around sniffing again -or- don't respond or entertain him again. You tried, twice, and it's done now. No need for round three. You are now armed with some experience and boundaries for the next guy.
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