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ChasingHope

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ChasingHope last won the day on September 23 2020

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  1. OP, I am sorry that you are in this situation. There are so many people who have shared this experience and it is nightmare. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your partner is step away and allow him to go through what he needs to to choose to get help for himself.
  2. Hi OP: First, please don't let anyone gaslight you in to thinking you have done anything wrong ("smothering") or try to convince you your relationship was "crumbling" before this tragedy. My best friend lost her father a few years ago and it was devastating for her. It impacted all areas of her life, including her marriage. She adores her husband, but their relationship went through a dark period due to her deep mourning. It wasn't until she sought help externally through counseling that she was able to start to deal with her grief. Even now 3 years later it is still a process for her and one she deals with daily. I can't imagine the pain your boyfriend is going through as my mother is one of the most important people in my life. The advice I can offer after watching my best friend go through the loss of a parent is to encourage your boyfriend to seek outside counseling/help, grief support groups, etc. As much as you love him and want to help, these individuals are professionals and can offer ways for him to deal with his grief.
  3. I agree, it's odd that someone would fixate on this versus the core of your post. I'm also not sure why there would be an insinuation that you are looking to cheat, but twisting words to create a different narrative speaks volumes about someone. That being said, I agree with the other poster encouraging you to pull the plug on this friendship. It's doing you more harm then good, which you are very aware of. I am quite positive that once you step away quickly you will soon start to lose some of those feelings.
  4. These threads/stories are very similar; I wonder if there if is some relation between the two?
  5. Your description of a 3 year old (which IS a toddler) as "clingy and dependent" is very similar to your own self-description as "very needy"; the only difference is that you are an adult (as I assume you are over 18) and this is a very young child. Because of this you may want to re-evaluate if you are ready for children of your own. Most (if not all) children require the majority of your attention and it doesn't seem you are ready to have someone compete with your own need for affection.
  6. I am sorry to hear this as I was hopeful this would end the way you wanted it to. But sadly, I have to agree with the others - she is letting you down easy because she cares about you as a friend and is a decent person. It's hard not to try to manipulate the narrative when it comes to matters of the heart, and it seems like you are looking for any glimmer of hope you can hang on to. Unfortunately, this will only serve to hurt you more in the long run, especially when she does meet someone she wants to build a romantic relationship with. As hard as it will be, you should separate yourself from this situation indefinitely.
  7. I am going to assume you are still pretty young (given that you are living with your family) so it makes sense you would behave immaturely. But my personal belief is that if you are old enough to spend the night with someone you are intimate with, you are old enough to be accountable for your decisions and actions. Expecting him, or anyone for that matter, to run after you when you storm out of an argument is childish. It would be better to just stay home rather than put yourself into what you feel are unsafe situations. Also, if your parents have strict views on pre-marital sex and sleeping at other people's homes, it might be worth re-thinking the sleepovers. Parents have an uncanny way of finding out the things we don't want them to, and you could find yourself without a roof over your head should they catch on to your lies.
  8. Great job, and PLEASE don't let extreme negativity and bitterness impact all the positive things you have done with your life.
  9. There could be many reasons for the lag in communication, but a pretty obvious one is that he is multi-dating and his attention was focused elsewhere. As far as the disclosures that involved his ex - while the stabbing story might raise some red flags, it seems like it was a pretty traumatic event in his life and perhaps he is struggling with knowing when/how to talk with a new person about it. As for the cat, it sounds like he was simply telling you where and how he came to own it. If he had said "I got it from a former friend who was unable to care for the animal" would you feel differently? Overall, I would suggest keeping your options open (if you aren't all ready).
  10. First, I am really sorry about your illness. I hope being apart of this program is helping your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. My intent for this isn't to come across as harsh, but I think you are trying to create a love story in your head similar to the one you described in your post – the haughty young man who is actually kind and generous beneath the exterior of pride and the young woman who is prejudiced against him because of his arrogant demeanor fall in love and live happily ever after on their estate in the English countryside. However, what I actually see is a family devoted to helping those who suffer from the same ailment their loved one passed from, and you are one of many whose lives they are hoping to improve in memory of their husband/father. I would also avoid labeling people based on your perceptions (calling him a jerk, a snob, haughty, etc) because your opinion on what constitutes these labels may greatly differ from someone else’s, and you are setting yourself up to be labeled as rude and judgmental. Additionally, I think these thoughts and feelings are quite normal given your situation and wanting to find your fairy tale ending given all you have had to deal with. Keep focusing on your physical and mental health as that is what is most important.
  11. ".....when we are all ready where we are at" seems like an attempt to manipulate yourself into thinking she is a co-conspirator in this when she is not. "Where she is at" is as a person going thru a breakup and is relying on friends to help her thru the breakup. Where you are at is trying to convince yourself that this is going to end the way you want it to if you just stick it out as her friend. The overall advice (and smartest advice) has been to come clean to her, and if she doesn't feel the same way you have to make the heartbreaking but self-empowering decision to move on, as difficult as it may be.
  12. I feel for you - I know that when I have been unsure of someone's feelings for me I overanalyze every conversation, every action, even facial expressions for anything that would give me a glimmer of hope that that person reciprocated my feelings. Unfortunately, that approach hasn't been successful - only by making my feelings known have I gotten an answer. And I will also admit that I have tried to use the same tactics you referenced above, and I can assure you that in addition to never working, they also are obvious to the person(s) I have tried to use them on, and not only does it make me look clingy and insecure, it has devalued me and caused a loss of respect from the other person. Your judgement is clouded by emotions right now, so having these racing thoughts is normal. But positioning yourself as the "sacrificial lamb" that places her feelings above yours will backfire for you in the end. Best of luck.
  13. I will be honest, the first word that popped into my mind after reading this was "manipulation". My perception is that you want her to confess her feelings for you without you actually having to come out and tell her you want to date her. I'm also left wondering at the motivations behind a conversation about scaling back the friendship - being honest, is it more of a threat that you won't be there for her if she gets a boyfriend? Trying to get her to say she wants you in her life long-term feels like a passive-aggressive attempt to force her to convince you that you are as important to her as she is to you. The statement about your relationship being “odd” feels more like you projecting - while someone you date may question your feelings for your best friend (given your feelings are blatantly obvious) your best friend may not give that same impression to a romantic partner. Right now it probably feels pretty intense because she is in a vulnerable state and clinging to those closest to her while she navigates thru her breakup. I know when I have gone thru a breakup I have relied on my friends to feed me soup and comb my hair and be within hugging distance when I need them. This means that I fill my time with my friends completely, whether that means hanging out at their family's homes, spending A LOT of time with them, etc. I rely on them to fill up the holes the breakup left while I heal, and it's nothing more than that. Again, these are just my opinions from an outsider looking in, but what I am taking from this is that your feelings for her are too overwhelming for you to have a normal, healthy friendship with her.
  14. I feel for you, I really do. Being in a state of limbo with someone you have romantic feelings for is tough. My perception of your mind-set right now is "I want her in my life in any way, shape, or form, even if it means watching her fall in love with someone else" and while that may be feasible in this very moment, I think you are kidding yourself that this is a long-term solution. Based on your replies you seem very adverse to telling her how you feel and seeing if she feels the same way, and I assume it's because you are extremely scared of her response. But this situation will only get worse for both of you if you are constantly trying to bury your feelings so you can remain her friend - there will be a lot of resentment and jealousy and hurt and the same person that is breaking your heart is going to be the same person you will want to turn to for support. Instead of making comments about NOT dating (“aren’t you glad you know I have no chance with you”)that come across as passive-aggressive fishing attempts to see if she will bite, why not just put out there how you feel? Yes, she may reject you and that will change the friendship dramatically, but I don’t think you realize that the friendship is going to change either way due to the feelings you have developed. I get that you are digging your heels in and feel determined to remain best friends and put on a happy façade for this person regardless of what happens, but you may not be able to control the situation if/when she does meet someone she wants to pursue romantically. Her investment in your friendship may change, which sometimes happens when one person in that friendship becomes serious with another person. My opinion (and this is strictly my opinion) is that if you continue down this path of keeping your feelings secret/buried, this situation will not only end but also not end well. If you do choose to tell her, I truly hope it works out for you.
  15. Contrary to other posters attempting to insinuate that you are some sort of sexual predator who was lying in wait for her to return to her apartment so you could take advantage of her in her inebriated state, I don't see that at all. What is obvious is that you are two consenting adults who had too much to drink. However, what I think happened is that she got in waayyyy over her head and realized it as soon as she got you back to her apartment. She most likely started to regret inviting you there for sex and was hoping you might take a hint and make yourself scarce while she was at the neighbor's place. Waking up and moving to another bedroom while you were still there further supports that. I myself have done this before while in the throes of a breakup. In my younger years, I thought that the cure to getting over an ex was occupying myself with someone else. However, even as I was getting some guy interested in coming home with me, I would begin to realize that it wasn't my ex coming home with me and this random person would just be a temporary fix and that I would be even more miserable afterward. I've snuck away from guys that I was flirting with 2 minutes before, and I have pretended to "fall asleep" before the deed can happen only to quietly slink out when the coast is clear. I guess what I am trying to say is this - she isn't over her ex, she responded to you in the heat of the moment by suggesting sex to try and make herself feel better, but then regretted it because she isn't over her ex. It honestly wasn't about you. I'm sure she is also embarrassed by how drunk she got and wants to forget the whole thing happened, which means removing you (a reminder of her embarrassment) from her social media. Don't text her, don't message her; instead, focus your energy on someone who is in the right head space to date. And avoid alcohol if you aren't able to drink socially without getting wasted on a first date.
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