Frodo Baggins

Honestly, if the discussion doesn't get hostile, I don't really see a problem. You stand up and say something when you feel there's misinformation being spread or if there is something you don't agree. Personally, I think those are virtues, though they may result in some faux pax. There is no real way to stop taking offense to somethings without a major change in ideology and philosophy as well as personality. For the most part, all you can do is bite your tongue when you see it would be inappropriate to step in. For the most part, I think your quality is admirable and I respect you for it.

Yes, getting married at a time like this would definitely be a huge mistake. With the way he feels, it's possible that going ahead as planned might make him pull out of getting married entirely, either that or he would enter the marriage guilt ridden and with the feeling of pressure on him to perform as not only a father but a husband; if he feels he failed as a fiancee, he may not feel like he can be a good husband. It would be best to have a level of understanding on the matter before proceeding with something as important as marriage because something like infidelity is too lage on many levels to simply gloss over. And it is something you definitely don't want as an unresolved issue when you enter a new phase of your lives. As for him speaking up about it, it's very obvious that he isn't ready. I have a question though, is he guilt ridden because he hurt you and the kids or because he was caught and a scandal ensued? These are some little details that we might be able to use in making a better evaluation of the matter.

There is no definitive answer to a question like that as every scenario in which it applies is different. Some might find consolation in a close friend, someone they held in "second" after the principle figure in their life. Others might turn to alternative means of dealing with the pain, such as creative venues that act as outlets or vents, sports, immersion in work, or escapism. There is no one true answer, it varies from person to person, and situation to situation depending on the circumstances involved.

For the most part, it sounds like it would be the flu, and unless you had it while you two were hanging around, then he couldn't have possibly gotten it from you. You're in the clear.

Hmm, she may be interested in you as a close friend and not as a romantic interest, but that's something that can change if there's potential. Nothing is ever certain though. If you choose to to ask her out, it wouldn't be a good idea for you to use a number she never gave you. It's a breach of trust and also make her wonder how you got it in the first place.

Yes, there is no excuse for what you've taken. It most definitely is abuse, and av is right in saying you should call the police immediately. This most definitely is a precursor to more abuse, he won't stop on his own, and it won't get any lighter. Please keep us up to date on anything that happens to you.

"A dose of her own medicine" is the worst thing you could possibly do; I don't want to speak on her brother's behalf, but if is trying to break you two up, you'd be doing exactly what he wants you to do. Doing that only adds fuel to the fire as you would be putting those same feelings you have into her head, thus creating anamosity. In the matter here, her brother is definitely in the wrong. If he feels that she's changed or that she isn't hanging out with her friends as much, then that's her business, not his. He really needs to butt out since he's obviously interfering in a relationship that doesn't concern him. What would the other members here at the board think of the following idea: of you sitting down with your girlfriend and having a conversation about her brother? If you do, DO NOT accuse her brother of anything, that will only make her defensive and she will take his side by default. But rather tell her that you feel a little uncomfortable with her brother being too much of a presense in the relationship, that you appreciate the bond she and her brother have, but that your relationship is with her, not her and her brother. And to reassure her, you could say that even though she's your girlfriend, she'll always be his sister, so as to easy any apprehension she might have.

Without giving the content, what did you say in your email response to him? Maybe it was something you'd said?

So, how much is the watch worth? lol Just kidding. Never underestimate blokes; despite our inherent tendency to act like complete morons at times, we can surprise you every now and then with a bit of cleverness. You ask if you could use it to see him again, personally, I think that's why he left it. He wants to be followed a bit, and if you like him too, it's a good excuse for you to pursue. It's kind of an old "trick" some guys use, it's almost a joke in old movies, where you leave something of yours behind at a woman's apartment so you can go back and see her again. It's amazing how something so simple and actually funny can work, as it can be both a good excuse to see each other again AND provide for some opening chit-chat.

Excellent reply, Caldus. Not only is it a therapeutic way of getting those ideas accross, it's a good compromise on what QT wants. She has these feelings inside of her and needs to get them out, this is perfect; she gets to say what she wants, how she wants to, re-write it, do what she can with it, and it'll be in the safety of a journal, that way the relationship won't be endangered by moving too fast.

That's the best thing. You'll find that often times the straightforward answer is the best answer. Just go up to her and ask if she'd like to be your date. If you never ask, you'll never know.

What you're feeling is the frustration of having all those feelings of love bottled up inside of you, and that's understandable. The thing is, it's too risky of a situation to throw something that big at him. What you should do is write out what you feel, get it out of your system and keep it for yourself. Maybe as a journal or something personal. Maybe as a story, or poetry, be creative, but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Sending it could be the biggest mistake you could make, and if you feel bad now, you will REGRET ever doing it, trust me, I know.

If she enjoys your company, that is a key part of the relationship, and an indication that you're doing well. You really need to relax more; I wouldn't say you're being "paranoid," but since this is a new relationship for you, it's a given that you're going to be nervous. And that's okay, it's something we all go through. If it looks like she's "not as interested," it may just be her personality. Is she the laid-back type? That can be confused with a "lack of interest," when she may be really into the relationship but shows it in her own way. You'll find these things out with time, relationships give you the chance to understand the person you're with on a greater level. You'll see that even though she may not show it in a "conventional way," she will still love you. It'll just take time for you to know her intimately enough to see it.

Your worries are very relateable, especially with the time separation thing. You worry that maybe the other person will move on or think you've lost interest, and it's okay to feel that, those are natural fears. But you'll find that it is more of an internal fear than an actual problem; the time apart gives you the opportunity to develop your ability to basically live alone and become self-sufficient. You've already grown considerably as far as perception, which is really impressive, but there is still a lot left to go. What's important here is faith, faith in your boyfriend's commitment to the relationship. If he is committed to the relationship, then you have nothing to really worry about, since you know and are confident that he will come back. If it results that he wants to move on (and that would have been something he had in mind before the separation, not because of the separation) then you'll have strengthened yourself enough from the hiatus to be better able to accept it and move on yourself. This is really a test for both of you, to see how committed he is and how strong both of you are.

If it's her being bi-sexual that gives you doubts, that shouldn't be too much of an issue, unless there is more to the situation, like differences in experience between the two of you or so on; but as of right now, there's really not enough information to make an opinion on. I realize it must hurt to think about this, but we can't give you any definitive answers without more clues to work with.

Patience is key, but it's also important to learn to respect the relationships of others. You can't "make" her see anything, she'll see what she wants. You can try as hard as you want to make yourself look as attractive a candidate for boyfriend material, but if she doesn't see it on her own, it's not gonna happen. You can't make her see it, if you try and change the way she thinks, then you'll be doing her a disservice. Just continue being you, that's what she has to see; if she doesn't go for that, then that's her issue, not yours. It's not something a person your age wants to hear, but it's better to get it now than find out the hard way later on, but you'll find that a lot of things won't work out the way you want them to. You won't always get the girl you want even though you think you should, or feel you deserve her more than whoever she chooses; it just doesn't happen. If it doesn't, don't take it personally, don't view it as a defect in your personality or anything wrong with you, it was something that she just wasn't looking for. It's not something you can affect or change, it's something that you'll need to accept. It's hard, I know, but that's what makes walking the line of relationships interesting. 8)

av and Morrigan are right, you can't MAKE him love you, and you can't MAKE him not question you. The best you can do is be yourself, that is what he fell in love with in the first place. He knows you still love him, he wouldn't be trying to work things out like he has been if he didn't. So there is no need to really assert something he already knows, that base is covered. He knows you love him, and you know he loves you. What you would need to do is relax a bit and be the person he fell in love with, so that way he can see what it was he loved about you in the first place because, you see, it's up to him. You can't change someone's perspective, but you can help in their decision making. What is up to you is in providing him a good environment so he can make a decision, be supportive of him, let him know you still love him, and that you still want to be with him. And you've done that, which is really good, because that's really all you can do. If you go any further, it could defeat the purpose and maybe drive him away because he could feel like you're trying to control his feelings and his decisions.

Hmm, I've been told a good way to position yourself is to "straighten your back so that your rib cage sits on the spine." What that means is when you slouch, your spine is curved the wrong way, you're curving it forward when the "correct" curvature is back. It does everything the post above mentioned, it pulls the shoulders back, puts the chest out, as well as get straighten the neck. The body pretty much aligns itself on its own when you do that.

Very good point, thanks very much for bringing it up. It's one thing to keep the past in your memory, it's another for it to interfere with your life. Its really good that you mentioned that, especially it being very important NOT to compare any current relationship with the one that hurt you. For one, it wouldn't be fair to the person you're with at the moment, and two, nothing will ever compare to the past because you wouldn't be comparing them to the actual person (not that you should, no one should have the power to compare other people and decide value) you'd be comparing THE MEMORY OF THEM YOU HAVE. And your own thoughts are impossible to match up to, nonetheless surpass. The past cannot be changed, only improved upon with retrospect, thus there is no way to truly spoil wonderful moments; so it wouldn't be fair to compare your current relationship with something that has been idealized and archived. I know it may not be an appropriate analogy, but think of it as a legendary rock star. They may have had their ups and downs in life, but once they're gone, they become legends. And since they're gone, they can't screw up anymore, so their legend won't really go down. Why? Because they live on in memory, and memory is more permanent and powerful than anything on earth. Neva, you have it right, it's okay to keep something in your heart, but it's VERY important to keep things in perspective. The past should stay where it belongs, in the past; because only in the past can it actually help you. If it's in the past, it helps you be a better more developed person. If you keep reliving it, you'll never really be whole, since you're not really living in the present. Thanks for bringing up that very important point, neva, really good show.

Hmm, the problem doesn't look like conversation, but rather interest. We can see you're interested in her, which is good, but the thing is, that point might not be coming accross to her, which is where it really matters. If you look too distracted, looking around a lot, it makes her feel bad, like she isn't wanted. And if she feels bad, she isn't going to talk, and if she isn't going to talk, there is no conversation. So what I would recommend is to show more attention to her, show her you're interested in what she has to say, try not to look around too much, don't let her think you're more interested in the surroundings than her; give her your full attention, let her know she's important. You do that and conversations will happen on their own.

Glances don't really mean much, they could imply feelings, but really nothing more, unless there are some further details that might help us illustrate a clearer picture. If so, then by all means, post away.

Thanks reality and boromir, I appreciate the receptive audience. Yes, he and I are still friends, only not as close as we were before. Not because we had a falling out, but only because when he tried out for the Marines, he was so over qualified, they recommended him for the US Naval Academy. He went to the nation's $100,000 school for free, got to crew a submarine, then promptly quit. He saw the chance for free schooling, military training, and the chance to ride a submarine, and took it. As of now, he made it to the Navy SEALS, and the only reason we've fallen out of touch is his being stationed everywhere. He's still a good guy and we do keep in touch when we can. As for the subject at hand, it really is the best thing to forgive her. Not so much as it is for her as it is for yourself. In truth, the only reason one really stays angry in situations like these at people is our own vindictive need to make them suffer for the pain they've caused. It's spite that drives us, and while it may feel gratifying for the moment, it's what stunts us as human beings. By remaining in that angry, spiteful mode, we don't grow, we don't move on, we keep ourselves trapped in that one moment in time, and that is NOT living. The way to freedom isn't getting her back or making her suffer, it's in forgiving. Not in some hokey "the power of forgiveness heals all" rubbish, but in a "I gotta move on with my life, there I forgive you, now let me cut these lousy strings!" sort of way. THAT's the point of forgiveness in these matters, not so you can repair relations with her, it's too late for that, but simply a way of letting her go and leaving her in the past.

Hmm, I spent the latter years of my teenage life pining over a girl that shattered this heart. I felt so many things, anger, betrayal, abandonment, fear, hope, and misplaced joy. It was so hard to let go, she was everything for me. She was my first love, and at the time, my true love. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, and I was convinced that she felt the same about me. And for a time, she did. We were the epitome of happiness, I was the very image of happiness. I felt whole when I was with her, complete. She was the missing piece in my life, and I had her. Of course, she changed. What did it? Ego. She was always beautiful, but at 17, she realized it herself and went into modeling. After that, the nerdy, goofball that was madly in love with her was not good enough. She wanted someone of notoriety and standing in the great society that is high school. So she dumped the band member for the tall, muscled, Camaro-driving, gold-chain wearing captain of the basketball team. Needless to say, I was devastated. Crushed even. And to add to the injury, she knew how it affected me. She saw the pain I was in, and it made her feel good about herself. She was possessed with a feeling of power, that she had the potential to crush a life in her hand if she desired, and she relished in it like you wouldn't believe. The sweet-natured girl I had falled in love was gone, all that was left was a twisted, contorted shell that remained. She apparently lost her values as well as she associated with a "different crowd." I'm not one to label people, but I think we all remember high school, and those still in high school will relate. What I refer to are the "beautiful people." The ones with money, success, well-established family names, etc. Now, if there are any here who fit into that criteria, I sincerely do apologize. I am a different person now than I was five years ago, this was from the perspective of a crushed, cynical, disillusioned 17 year old kid. In short, she had sold out and "moved on," funny thing though, she moved only far enough to where she would be out of my reach, but I was still within hers. I became a different person. I was angry, I hated life, I wanted to have nothing to do with anybody or anything. Levity brought me pain. I turned friends away, those that tried to help got the violentest of shoves. There was one though who remained true, and never abandoned me. To him, I remain truly grateful. He was the one who saved my life, literally. I had reached a point where I truly no longer wished to live, and took the matter into my own hands. I tried to overdose myself with sleeping pills while my family was away for a visit. I saw that as my window of opportunity, to be done with it. To end the pain, and have no one around to stop me. Of course, I forgot to consider my friend, who had a spare key to my house that he was given when we were kids. He suspected I would do something stupid, and saw the house was locked, but knew I had stayed in town. So he used the key and went inside. I never knew what happened afterwards, I had already lost consciousness by the time he had shown up. But somehow, he saved me. I don't know, I asked him, he never told me. Maybe he called poison control, I don't know, but I woke up in my bed, dizzy, nauseous, and with an amazing headache. And he was there, making sure I didn't do anything else. He never told anyone what happened, and neither did I. And up until now, only a few of my most trusted friends know this story. Not to fret, the people I trust most know some of the greater details. Where I truly am ashamed of myself is in how I treated my friend after the ordeal. I didn't appreciate him for it, as a matter of fact, I resented him. Because of him, I was stuck here again. I tried to escape and he grabbed me by the foot and pulled me back in. My anger got so bad, I finally attacked him. Now, if you thought I was stupid before, this is when I should mention that my friend had also been taking military training since he was ten, and by the time we were both 18, he exceeded all requirements for the Marines. Needless to say, to try and pick a fight with the guy was stupid. It had to be either the saddest fight in the history of fights, or the most comical. Because I kept trying to attack him, and he used no force at all to disable me. Now, any person with sense would realize that this would be a good time to cease and desist, but it's apparent that I had no sense. So I kept trying to fight him, and by the end, I looked like I lost a fight with the 97 Dallas Cowboys, and him? I don't think his shirt even got untucked. It's funny how the beating of your life can change your perspective. It didn't happen all at once, I still resented him, even though he told people I was jumped by a gang on my way home from school and that I had fought off two of them. I slowly realized that maybe some people are worth it all. I knew "the love of my life" wasn't worth squat, but that friends are. True friends. I finally thanked him, and have since moved on with my life. I've never forgetten her, I still think of all the good times we had together when we were two young kids in love, and I prefer to keep that image of her in my mind. I have a different outlook on life, one that's not as dark or cynical as it was. I can say that having been through that time of darkness has given me a greater sense of perception, where I can see more sides of something that I ever could before. And best of all, I value the people I call friends; in my life, I have about three that I trust most of all and that I love with all my heart. The people that make your days better, those are the ones worth keeping. It's episodes like that that make you stronger, where you can resist what it was that made you fall in the first place. Where you can look at her/him, say to yourself "This person caused me pain, and I want nothing more to do with them, no matter how much I think I want them." It's when you realize that you're strong enough to resist falling again and actually continuing with a life that you build for yourself. Okay, I'm done rambling now.

I know I'm going to sound like the downer here, but I'm not going to say "Yes," but rather "Kinda." The hurting will indeed diminish, but it might not go away. If it does, you will have accomplished a great part of life, but if you always carry the memory of that person with you, it's nothing to despair. It only means that person was special to you in more ways than one, and you feel the emptiness in your life from when they left. The pain will change, you'll have memories, and it won't hurt. Maybe it'll be with the natural growth you go through in life, or maybe the strengthening of "emotional skin," either way, you will perservere. Just remember, growing does not have to mean forgetting. I realize I sounded like a rambling moron, but I hope I was able to provide maybe some insight to a gray area in the black and white world of grief and happiness.

Excellent point, Morri, the best approach is to step back, and look at what you have; consider each person's motives as to why they might say what they say. If possible, try and give both of them the benefit of the doubt, so you won't sway yourself to one-side before you find out anything. For the most part, Morrigan is right, first thing's first, don't accuse.