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insofar

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Everything posted by insofar

  1. insofar
    Wow. I would probably cuss you out but I don't want to annoy the mods. Whether you meant to or not, you basically just called anyone who uses online dating a loser. Suffice it to say that perhaps some of us don't fit into your tiny view of the world around you. Perhaps it's just convenient for some of us to be able to find like-minded singles easily, and certainly not to the exclusion of meeting people offline as well. And if you want to find someone local... you search for someone local. Anyway. I've had one response and a couple where the women contacted me (not counting the obvious spambots or weird Russian emigrants), and of those, one has turned into a date so far (this is over the last month or so). I'd estimate about a 30% response rate so far (that said, I haven't sent many messages). Edit: I should probably mention that this is on link removed; I haven't seriously tried others yet, since this one seems to be working well for me. Also, That is awesome.
  2. insofar
    Why do you feel self-conscious eating around him? I know that's effectively what you're asking, but seriously, think about it. Are you worried that he'll start to think you're getting fat? You said yourself that you're a healthy weight (and the BMI scale agrees), so it would seem your self-image isn't matching up with reality. Whether you eat or not isn't going to change how he thinks of you other than him wondering why if you don't eat. He's certainly not going to find eating unattractive; it's just something people do! Maybe if he does ask about it again, you could talk to him about this. It might calm your fears a bit about what he's thinking.
  3. insofar
    See, here you're saying that women aren't falling for you because you're shy. Previously you said it was just looks. Make up your mind. Who cares what we think? You obviously are completely sure of the fact that you're ugly, and make that fact well known to the people you talk to, at least here. Why should we tell you otherwise when you'll clearly just disagree? I refuse to believe that you're a completely different person in real life than you are here. You know perfectly well that nobody here thinks you just randomly tell people you're ugly. But I'd bet that people can tell your self-esteem issues without you having to directly tell them what you think of yourself, and I believe that's a much bigger part of your problem than physical looks, or even shyness. OK, first, your counselor should be fired. Anyway. It's the "hot" people that are the rarity, not the normal ones. You seem to be giving people tons of reasons why they shouldn't be with you rather than focusing on your strengths and qualities, i.e. reasons why they should. And I think anyone can be attractive with some work. Personally, the vibe that a woman gives off is much more important to me than the physical shape of their face or otherwise. And, here's the kicker: There are women who feel the same way. What sort of vibe are you giving off? Ah, the subtle implication that anyone who doesn't believe looks are all-important is a basement-dwelling nerd. OK, buddy, believe what you want. We're all wrong and you're the only one here who's sane. See where that gets you.
  4. insofar
    I think that if you two develop a good connection, the height issue will stop mattering in your mind anyway. It's at least worth trying. Go for it. By the way, on the other side of things, it's probably fairly awkward for him as well. But like I said, it'll stop mattering too much if you guys are into each other.
  5. insofar
    Yep. It can't possibly be that you're probably the most cynical person on this forum and that attitude likely comes off of you in waves as you complain about nobody wanting to be with you. It can't possibly be the huge amount of desperation in your tone. It can't possibly be your insistence that you're ugly, even when people tell you, repeatedly, that you're not. That couldn't possibly annoy people and make them want to just stop dealing with you. Get over yourself. Do you honestly believe that only "hot" people can find meaningful relationships? Look around, there are many couples out there that probably don't fit the common definition of hot but are quite happy being with each other. But then, you probably already knew that. In my opinion, your insistence that it's your looks that are driving people away is just denial. Denial that it's your attitude that needs a serious readjustment (and possibly whatever other mental issues that could be causing your attitude), or you really will end up alone.
  6. insofar
    That's not saying much. eHarmony rejects a fifth of the people who take that test. And a lot of people are saying that they have horrible customer service anyway. Try link removed, free and IMHO has a better matching system.
  7. insofar
    It sounds like you were trying to act cool in front of your friends, which might be giving her an impression you don't want to give. Agreeing with the last few replies here.
  8. insofar
    If the touching is unwelcome, you don't even have to lay a suit. It's easy, you just tell your boss. He'll be so screwed, you have no idea. Anyway, I'd just get him to lay his cards on the table. He could just be very flirty by nature, which probably isn't something you want. But you won't know until you ask.
  9. insofar
    Quoted for truth. Get them to cut the BS and tell you what they want without ambiguity.
  10. insofar
    Some of the ideas of AA I don't fully subscribe to, but I definitely encourage you to get him to try it if you can, it has helped my father immensely. Al-Anon also helped our family for a time (until he began to recover himself); I found this article on their website about link removed that may provide some good reading in your situation.
  11. insofar
    I haven't dealt with alcoholism in a significant other but I have dealt with it -- most of my life -- with my father. For him, it came down to a point where he nearly had a heart attack on Christmas day (after feeling chest pains and taking a relative's nitroglycerin, had to be taken off in an ambulance; bad idea, of course, but then he was drunk) and our doctor told him that basically he had to stop drinking or he would die. That was about three years ago. Since then, he has been going to AA meetings just about every day, and he's a completely different person. He's been sober for at least two years, I believe. The thing was, though, that he had to want to change... and I think it took that much of a shock to get it through to him. I honestly don't know what advice to give you, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. But you can't be with someone who's an alcoholic. For your own safety you should probably stay away. I know from personal experience how bad things can get when someone is drunk and angry. But perhaps you could organize an intervention with his family or friends?
  12. insofar
    Whoa, don't let him put the ball in your court (though I suspect you won't anyway). It's waaaay too late for him to do that; he knows how you feel and the only thing left is for him to be direct or leave you alone. What the hell does he think he's doing saying that you should wait a week and then see if you want to meet with him? It really does seem cowardly to me. Yeah, I think you should just leave it. Stop responding. He's not worth it.
  13. insofar
    Personally, I would tell them clearly not to contact unless they wanted to reconcile (as I did with my ex) then block email, IM, and other internet methods from them. Tell them you're doing so. If they want to get in contact with you, let them phone you. That avoids them taking the easy routes of contact where they can be vague about what they want and lets you immediately ask what they want if they do contact you. It's all about saving you unnecessary pain and letting you move on. 95% of the time, you won't get back together, so the best thing to do is to stop thinking about it, and you can't do that when they keep reaching out to you and pulling back.
  14. insofar
    eHarmony rejects you if: a) You're separated but not divorced, b) It thinks you're depressed (this is probably the most controversial one), or c) It doesn't think it can find enough matches for you. (Probably if it can't find a local match when you initially submit it.) It's not really a big deal, and, in fact, you might be saving yourself from some link removed.
  15. insofar
    That's frigging expensive, and quite frankly, sounds like a scam. Did you receive this offer unsolicited? Are they asking for money upfront before doing any of these interviews? And how well you get matched really depends on two factors, how well their matching process works, and (I would think more importantly) the size of the pool of people they're matching. How big is their database? I'd do some research first, if you have that kind of money to burn.
  16. insofar
    Amen to that, you're only deluding yourself if you think she's interested in you while she's in a happy relationship with someone else. And really, even if it's not a very good relationship she's in, what business of yours is it? I think it's just not honorable per se to be trying to attract someone who's already taken.
  17. insofar
    Honestly it sounds like there was a bit of immaturity on both sides; you lying about where you were going, and your mother stealing your bag so you couldn't leave. I can't give a perspective for your parents but I can certainly identify with your situation. I'd say next time don't lie about where you're going; if they let you go and find out later you lied, it's doubtful they'd ever let you go out again and you'd have lost their trust. That said, they probably wouldn't have let you go if you'd said you were going to a rave, I know this. But as much as you want to yell at them (and trust me, I know how angry parents can make us), the best way to go about it would be to talk to them rationally. It still might fail but it's your best chance, and they'd probably see you as being more mature for not letting it degenerate into a yelling match.
  18. insofar
    This is just my opinion. If you truly, truly believe the breakup was because of a temporary state that you were in, draft up an email or a letter explaining everything that you've done since, that you realize that you were pushing her away, and asking if she'd like to try again. Make very sure you don't pressure her at any point in the message. Once you've sent it, that's it, you wait for her response. No more emails after that if she doesn't respond, and if she doesn't, it's time to go NC in earnest and try to move on. Just be ready for her to either not respond or say she's just not in love with you any more. You'd be taking a huge risk with your feelings, but if you think it's justified and you're willing to accept the possible (even probable) negative consequences, do it. Edit: Reading the last bit of your message again, I think I should point out something: If it turns out she doesn't love you any more, there's no way you can force her to love you again. Any attempts to do so will just cause pain for you.
  19. insofar
    Only you can answer this question. Are you still going through thoughts of why your ex broke up with you, what you could have done differently, etc? Does it still pain you to think about them? Likewise, this depends on the guy. I'd say it depends how much you trust him; if your trust level still isn't very high, keep politely declining. He shouldn't be taking it personally that you're not going to his place on the second date. If you do trust him not to take advantage of you, you could make it clear that you just don't want it to go beyond coffee tonight. You'd be able to tell a lot of what he was thinking by how he reacts to that.
  20. insofar
    Absolutely, tell him what you're comfortable with. If you don't, it will build up into a resentment and he'll have no idea what he's done wrong.
  21. insofar
    Hehe, sounds good. By the first mention of him burning every CD you hadn't heard I was 95% sure he was into you. People can be nice but that goes beyond. Worth the risk, and people CAN be shy without being clingy, controlling, etc. Tell us how it goes
  22. insofar
    In answer to the original question, I like breasts in general, size doesn't really matter that much (though shapely is good). Breast implants are a real turnoff for me; it suggests fakeness in general.
  23. insofar
    Well... It sounds like you've made a lot of mistakes so far, to be honest. You've been very on-again off-again with her, and I think you'd really have to do a lot of convincing to make her believe that you really want her back, and aren't going to break it off or disappear again for no real reason. The other guy makes it very complicated as well. If he's making her happy and you're an honorable person, I'd say contact her one last time saying what you're thinking and feeling, apologizing for what you've done in the past, and then leave it alone and move on. That's just what I'd do though.
  24. insofar
    Extra rules like... if you want to be committed you should get married? Cause frankly, that makes a lot less sense to me than the other things you've mentioned. Good to know you know us better than we know ourselves and know how we should run our lives. You go ahead and keep telling people you don't know how they should either be sleeping with multiple people or married, I'm sure it will make you a lot of friends.
  25. insofar
    I'm sorry you're going through this. I too have heard the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you," and it's a horrible thing to hear. I can't tell you whether or not sticking with her would be the right thing for you but she has been honest with you about her feelings, and she doesn't want a relationship right now. Fairly cut and dry, which, while painful, is much better than leading you on. You could cut off contact with her; if it was anything like my breakup, when you want something out of a relationship that the other doesn't, keeping in contact with them only leads to more pain. Regardless of what you do, I suggest you find comfort in (other) friends and family. I don't believe that there's only one person for each of us; you could easily find someone new, someone more into you down the road. Either way it goes, you'll get through this.
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