sddeaston

I am no professional, and I can only speak from experience. I am the exact same way. It is hard to deal with. I try to keep positive, and that works after I, myself have come to that mental conclusion....of course, there is that part about forgetting, could be within minutes, and I worry again. I have had to really force myself to realize that its just my over-active brain. I have been an analyzer my entire life, and when it comes to something that is so dear to me, I tend to be over-analytical and analyze things that I should not. Small things. This can be very detrimental to your relationship, as I am sure you have experienced. I am in the middle of trying to pick myself up off the floor, as my fiancee is up in tangles and can't figure out whether she wants to try with me again. I have told her and told her that its not the real me...which is true, its not...until I have someone I care about so much that I worry something will happen, or she will lose interest in me, or just stop loving me and caring for us. Weird. I don't know if there is a "cure" for this...it will come with you being comfortable with you and not needing anyone in your life..thats where I started to repair myself. I had to ask myself this: "If we do break up...then what? Is my life over? Do I not have anyone else who loves me? (family, friends etc.)?" I saw a counsellor...too..just a thought. If you would like to speak to me directly, feel free to PM me...I hope your situation improves, this is such a difficult thing to deal with, and I understand the pain (subtle or not) you are enduring.

WOW!! I though that all sounded like a good idea, something that if your relationship is already like that...he may like!! Not to mention he may appreciate that his girlfriend was so full of anticipation to see him that she went out of her way to be a sweetheart. Thats the deal, this stuff is not expected of her, thats what makes it special...

Diggitydogg. Thank you. It was not the length that made that particular post more helpful...but the depth at which you explained your initial assessment. Thats what I was looking for, something that would point out WHY you thought something. Thank you for the advice. You see, its not ALL the time that things are like this. Its only sometimes. I have attributed it all to the fact that there is a baby involved and that takes up so much time. I will wait til the baby is sleeping in his own crib, when we can have more opportunities to be intimate..then i will make my move. I know something needs to be done, I just don't want to take drastic measures, and have it turn out to be that we just needed a better opportunity to become closer, because as of right now, we are running around like chickens with our head cut off because of bills, no money, the other 5 yr old child, the new baby......and she hates her job so we are trying to get her into a new profession. Once again, diggitydogg...thank you!! I apologize if I offended you, I just felt like it was an attack on the events she has suffered through. I was mistaken!

I was not looking for any specific advice. was looking for advice that was HELPFUL in this specific situation. I only gave that background so people who read the post understood who she was and where she was coming from. The abuse was not put into my post to make any events in my situation seem less my fault...only to give some background as to where she comes from and how her life events make her react to certain situations. Not to re-route any blame off of myself.

No, you don't know her. She was only hit by one person. Cheated on by ex's...Why so skeptical diggitydogg? I was asking for advice on MY relationship, not asking you to tell me your interpretation of my girl. I find it funny that you say very few guys actually hit their girls. Thats wrong. Unfortunately it happens quite a lot (I have no idea HOW much, but know it happens WAY more than it should). However, that was definitely not the focus of my post. She is not someone who looks for attention, nor does she pitty herself. I would not be with someone who mopes around and feels sorry for themselves. She is a genuine, sweet girl who puts her guard up when she sees red flags...and she puts her children before herself....WAY before. For you to insinuate that she *MAY* be one of those habitual liars, or troubled girls tells me that you think she is selfish, and someone who only thinks about themselves. You say that...SIMPLY because she has been hit, and been in a few bad relationships? Come on, how does that mean she is lying? Unfortunately you have no sense of reality...those things do happen to people, yeah, even good people like my fiancee...it is unfortunate...but true. I wish it would happen to people who deserve it, and not people like my fiancee. Maybe you should check this out. link removed I am not a womens domestic abuse counsellor, and I am not trying to be a support member...but I am saying that for you to say that a woman being hit by their man is unusual, and not a frequent occurrence...is, simply put, WRONG. The fact that she has been treated like $**T before, does not make her a bad person.

Blaming it on past issues? I was simply saying that I think PART of the reason is the fact that she does not have full trust in her ability to find a guy who won't screw her over. Her past relationships have each ended because of something like that..and every one of them she has been cheated on. Now, I did not put the blame completely on that, what I said was, that coupled with the negative traits I showed her with my jealousy issues probably had something to do with it, because I can guarantee that the abusive relationship (at least that one) started out with jealousy. How can you say that an abusive relationship would have no impact on a situation like this? It most certainly would, for most however, not all.

Hi, and thank you for the reply. To answer the question about depression..yes. I have thought that too. Honestly, during her maternity leave from work, she was rather lazy, and couldn't really get outta the house...which, believe me, I did not nag on her about. AT ALL..but I knew that could be a sign of depression. I have been worried about that..I don't want her to be depressed..just happy!! I am not sure how to go about this. I don't know if she would oblige to seek professional help, or if she will be the type to simply refuse to do "that". Ya know? I hope the reason for the lack of intimacy is her hormone levels. I would even (HAPPILY) accept that its the hormones, coupled with her being skeptical that I am sincere about how different with the trust issue now..because I CAN prove that...and I would wait as long as I needed..just need hope. Thank you for your reply again, I love that the people on here actually take time for others!!!

When we met, it was an instant connection. Thinking about it now gives me this feeling, and I love it. I love her. Well, to start things off, if anyone has read my posts before...or reads them now....I have a jealousy problem, and have had a few issues in this relationship. The jealousy problem was on a MUCH LARGER scale before..now I just deal with those feelings from time to time, and they are a lot less destructive, as I am able to keep them to myself, unlike before. The relationship started off slowly, and progressed to something that I have never experienced, it was nothing short of magic. Well when we met, I was home from college for summer, then I had to go back (different town), about a month after we met. At the time I went back, we were not quite officially exclusive, but basically was a known element. Then we became official,while I was away. During the next school year I grew to love this girl like I have NEVER loved before. She was (and is still) amazing!! At this point, I found myself quite surprised (at myself) for having NO trust issues, as that has been a pattern in my past relationships. I didn't even think about it, I just knew she loved me and was super happy to be with me. And I was content just knowing I made her happy. At the end of the school year, I came back home for vacation, and for NO REASON, I started feeling like she was lying to me, about everything. I started doing all the things that a jealous, controlling boyfriend would do. This created some problems-obviously. I knew the feelings were not validated, and I knew that this was a pattern, but could not bring myself to terms with the problem..I was consumed with jealousy. I felt like someone was encroaching on the relationship I had with her...which was very bothersome, since the relationship had been better than a dream to this point. Since the start of those problems, we grew apart, not physically, as my jealousy would not allow for me to be away (I know, its bad..but I didn't realize exactly what I was doing to the relationship at the time) but we grew emotionally further and further apart..still, though, were a pretty good couple. Then she got pregnant, and I had to stay in my home town for good. So I dealt with the issue, went to a counsellor, and it helped, immensely!! For the last 4 months or so, i have been a lot more easy going, and have trusted her A LOT more...still though, dealt with jealousy but was able to squash the feelings. The problem is this: When we started the relationship, she made me "work" for any sexual progression, which I respected...then when it finally happened, it was SO good..progressively. She had never been allowed in her previous relationships to be expressive sexually, she is shy, and no one made her feel ok enough with herself to be assertive in the bedroom. I did, and I loved it, so did she. Well, now, we have not had sex for 10 months. at least. During the pregnancy I understood it, and why. During the first 2 months of my sons life, I understood it, and why. Now, I can't figure it out. She tells me its her body, and she is not comfortable with it, that she is embarrassed everyday looking at herself, and that she can't stand to see herself this way. WOW, she must feel alone, and like no one is here for her...with her. I am, but she won't let me be. I just want her to know that I would protect her from anything and that I will never judge anything about her...but she still has this mental barrier that she has put up.. It's not just the sex that bothers me..Its the lack of affection all together. Sure, she obliges when I kiss her, or hold her, or rub her back or feet or legs...but NOTHING in return that is initiated by her. Ever. She seems emotionally distant too, like I am not really that intriguing to her anymore...which, I can't say I blame her for, since I made the relationship so much different than it was initially. But she still says she is in love with me, that she still has deep feelings for me, and that she still wants to get married. She was in a relationship, right before me, where she was abused physically, and emotionally. She has a son from this guy. What I think, is that the past relationship she had with this guy, (which went for 7 years, on and off) scarred her. She is a very strong woman. She can deal with anything, and it doesn't seem to affect her too bad. But she will not talk, its hard for her, very hard. I feel like this relationship made it hard for her to fully put herself into a relationship, and to just let down her guard. In a way, I think she feels like she needs to protect herself from me...because its been bad for her in every relationship in the past. So, consequently, after I showed her some bad traits (that I am sure her last relationship had...which is twice as bad for me), I think she sees that as the beginnings of what she has already gone through. I will never hurt that girl. My question is (and I am sorry it took this long to get to this part) does anyone think that maybe we still do have a chance...in the long run. I know I can keep her for the time being..I know that. But I want to have at least a resemblance of what it was before. I know that when people move in together, some of that stuff fades. But I feel like she is creating distance (whether its inadvertently or not) because her heart is not in it anymore. If I knew that in a year or even in 10 years that if I keep working at this that we would have the closeness and the love we had...I would not be here, I would be making things even better for her....right now. I love this girl, and I just want to feel like she is as into "us" as I am. Thank you for reading my post...I know its long, but very important to me, and I figured it would be best if I didnt just give a partial picture..thanks in advance for reading this..and for any replies I may get.

It is not un-common for someone to dismiss this type of behavior by their partner, simply because their relationship has developed into their comfort zone...and without that other person, the comfort zone is no longer in place. You have children with this guy, and now, not only are you wanting to stay in this relationship because it is what you know and are comfortable with...but you, whether you feel it outwardly or not, are protecting those kids' feelings...A very positive trait of a good mother...nonetheless, it is hurting you. Look, the feelings you feel still for this person are left over from the beginning, where things were fresh, and new, and you had not seen THIS side of him. You will find that down the road, when you are completely healed from this, you will develop those feelings for someone else and be able to feel over the top for someone else...who hopefully treats you and your children the way you should be treated. I hope I have helped, and I hope things work out for the best!!

Antilove- You should not keep such a dark opinion about yourself...you are incredibly smart, consequently a very intriguing person to listen to..I enjoy your posts!

Didn't you say you were 18 years old? If yes, they can't "ban" you from her...just tell them where they can go, and how to get there your life, and your decision. It sounds like you are truly into her...so keep that going, its great to be in a relationship with someone who you really love!! And I think its great you are there for her and treat her like a "queen"...because she has been through a lot, and you are making a difference in her life!

Realize that he (assuming he knew your marital status) didn't care enough about you to take charge of the situation and stop before it progressed into sex, he just wanted what he got...sex.

Sure does. However, this woman is in the wrong and doesnt know if she is going to tell the man who she "loves" that she has betrayed him, and has taken him for granted JUST AS MUCH AS HE HAS DONE TO HER (recent issues she has commented on with feeling like she is not "seen"), which is the reason she claims she was "driven" to do this. To me, her not telling him would be just as big, if not bigger of an infraction upon their MUTUAL vows. HOWEVER, that is just to me, and I am not saying that I am by default right. I am here to make a point, as are all of you. once again, I am not being obscene... Make sense?

Who is constantly venting? I am simply giving the advice people come here for. She posted because of something (wrong) she did. I think we CAN all agree about that. The situation Heather has found herself in is not due to anything that anyone but her has done. Why would the advice that she is wanting/needing be soothing to her? She made a mistake, and needs to take responsibility for her actions. Plain and simple. Kids or no kids. You people (Ailec, avman, oldboy, and nottoogreen) have slightly more liberal views on this topic, which is fine...HOWEVER, I am PERSONALLY very against it (infidelity). I do not believe, either, that when asking for advice, that it is fair to have an expectation as far as the response. Advice is meant to help direct and guide one to do the right (or appropriate) thing. Why would those who are telling myself and spectre to "tone it down" expect us to be nice, and supportive. SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND...lets not forget the issue at hand.. (avman said something along those lines). I would appreciate it if those of you who feel it necessary to de-merit my attempts at setting a wrong situation right, would kindly leave my posts alone. I can understand if I am being offensive, obscene, or very aggressive however, that is not the case. I am simply giving my advice for the current situation that has been brought to the attention of the community, whether it is soothing to her/them is not the issue, however. Heather, how would you feel if your husband came to you years down the road only to reveal a sexual encounter with another woman years prior? How would you react? Would you feel betrayed..maybe? Maybe feel like the person who has proclaimed the endless and unconditional love...may have been stringing you along...for ALL THOSE YEARS? Just some food for thought. I know I would be devestated...not something I would do to someone who I LOVED. No matter how much being truthful with my S/O would hurt ME..I would, without questions asked, reveal my secrets. That is true love.

I have to agree. There is no excuse for that. Why would you do that, then wonder what you should do. Yes, you have used the EXCUSE that you have daughters, and they love mommy and daddy...but, to me, that sounds like you are trying to put the weight of the situation on his shoulders too. Yeah, you are right, the girls would be hurt if, say, a divorce took place. But, who would have caused that? Not him. No matter what, he deserves to know the truth about what is happening in his life. It is up to him if he could give you another chance. You would have to deal with it if you were the one who hurt the girls..not him. So do the right thing, cuz you seemed to have not been able to do that once already, and tell him. Who knows, maybe his is crazy, and he will give you another chance...and for telling him, you would be relieved and able to then start the re-building of trust. Which will be hard. Just my 2 cents.

Haha. Takes a sleezy woman. Takes a sleezy best friend. Tell her she should just leave. Get out of his life. Let him have the chance to meet someone that deserves him. She doesn't. Ha ha. Not a chance. I hope she does it and gets found out...cuz in the long run, for the guy, he would be better off. Your friend should grow up.

That sucks man. Horrible. What a * * * * *. Easy to say, but hard to do....get out of that marriage. You deserve more respect than that and you can do better. Just simply tell her what and why...also tell her where to go and how to get there She just has no regard for you or your feelings. She doesn't care about you...so return the favor. Good luck. Keep your head up.

Ha ha, MacTech...is the assumption that the days of frequent and great sex being over a projection from personal experience with marriage? hahahaha, just the way it was put, made me think of someone who is against marriage...that, coupled with your age, I am assuming you have had a go or two. just my thoughts about your post. Thanks though....encouraging

We are getting married NEXT summer. We have talked about it. The thing is, she has never enjoyed sex really until me. We had some of the most amazing sex ever, consequently, we had sex often. I asked her about that, and she said its cuz she has never enjoyed it and that with me she really likes it. So I am not worried about her sex drive being different than mine. Just worried that it will stay in this "lull" forever. I am just hoping that its soon after the pregnancy. I think if I can get her to consent once, that may bring back some of the stuff she forgot. When she got pregnant, it wasnt that long into our relationship, and I am hoping that she just needs to be re-introduced again...ya know?

Hi all, was just wondering if you guys have gone through this, or if you ladies have personally experienced this. My fiancee and I have just had a beautiful little baby boy. We, previous to the pregnancy, had a very active sex life...and it was great, for both of us. But during her pregnancy, that just stopped. Like it hit a brick wall. Now I am aware of the fact that during pregnancy libido goes through changes that differ between women. I am not really concerned about that part. Now that the baby is 2 months old, and things are back to normal...(as close as they can be with a new baby) the sex drive is still NOTHING. I have a high sex drive, and she knows that. We have talked about it, and she says that it is how she see's herself and that she is not accepting of her personal image...which makes sense to some degree. But there is just NO sex. The thing that bothers me, is that there is no intimacy at all either. I really don't think she is cheating (anymore anyways...if you have seen any of my previous posts...I DID have an issue with that, but was self-inflicted). I just worry that I will be married down the road and one of those guys who settle for once a month, or for hardly ever and who just basically work to make the family survive and have nothing at home. I would not be happy. Other than this, my life couldn't be better. I just want to see if anyone out there has experienced the same (I am sure some of you have) and what I could do about it. This is a big issue, because to me, without sex you have a friendship, and I don't want to just be her friend, I enjoyed being her lover too. Will I ever get this back?

Hey missbrittnayy, I am in the VERY EXACT same shoes as you. Was anyways. Not so bad anymore. The only difference is that I am a guy, and my emotions were towards my girlfriend. I had only one option, and that was to see a counsellor. I couldn't do it on my own, and the more I tried, it felt like I was taking steps in the wrong direction. I know exactly how you feel, but I HAD to turn it around to save the relationship. I knew, just like you, that I was ruining my relationship with someone who I loved so incredibly much, and still couldnt stop it. I hated the way it made me think of her, I hated the way it made me feel to not know EXACTLY what was going on behind my back, and I hated the way I almost depended on her to be there, with me, at all times. Not that I didn't like my time with her, but I didn't like the fact that I felt like I needed to be watching her basically. Thats not how a relationship works. First off, you need to think: what if he WAS doing that, and your relationship ended. Would you be totally alone? No, you still have people who love you and who will be there for you. For instance, your mom who you mentioned was trying to support you by telling you why he is entitled to go to the bar......Sorry, have to cut this short, but if you would like to talk, PM me, I think I can be of use to you. Hope things work out!!

What the hell are you talking about? Sex every few days is fine. Sex everyday is fine. Sex twice a day is fine. As long as its not inhibiting your life outside sex...and as long as it not with multiple partners (in my opinion). So you don't have a high sex drive. Congratulations, but she does, and she wants someone who she can express her sexuality to. Same with you. I am sure that with someone who has a high sex drive you would be un-happy with, and thats fine too, its your personality. Just don't tell her that its not healthy to be needing or thinking about sex all the time. As long as its safe (using preventative measures if needed, and knowing the person you are sleeping with), and its not complicating your life...Its perfectly healthy. I know this, because I too have a very high sex drive, have since I started having sex, and have seen no consequences of having a high sex drive.

Just wanted to tell everyone thanks, the information and simply hearing others' stories helped me. I have gone to counselling, for those of you who suggested it. I am better, like I said....A LOT better, before I couldn't have even asked the question I asked for fear of hearing what I didn't want to hear. Right now, its more like a relapse of those feelings that made me go to the counsellor in the first place. I just wanted to hear some women's accounts, because I can't exactly think like one...you know? I have dealt with my problem in some ways, but not all...as I am appearing to my fiance as an unhappy, edgy person, but thats just because when you are not sure something is going on behind your back or not, its INCREDIBLY hard to just let go and be yourself around that person, and to give them all the love you need to to keep a HEALTHY relationship alive. Its nice to see that others care, I never knew that people I didn't know, at all, would be so willing to lend a helping hand, so to those of you who responded, thank you SO much!!

I was just wondering, since I seem to have either a jealousy issue, or good intuition...which I am sure is not the case, how many of the ladies are faithful to their s/o...? I have a skewed sense of reality I have been told. I feel like most are not faithful. Could be caused by things like media, where infidelity is showcased A LOT with seemingly positive outcomes or at least without reprocussion. I am in engaged to a beautiful young woman who has just had my child. For some reason I feel, even though she has told me over and over....and over again that she is faithful, and will always be, that I am not enough for her and that she is finding someone else. All those feelings....and no basis for them. She has never given me a reason to doubt her love for me. I just want to let go and put every bit of myself into her and my new family, but find it hard when I am so suspicious. I have gotten better, a lot better, but have my days...like today. I also have problems with anxiety and depression...probably correlated. Anyways...was just wanting to see how many ladies are monogomous...those who aren't, or have cheated in the past: don't hesitate to respond, I am just simply surveying. Thanks in advance.

Wow. Stupid females. Ok. So you cheated on him, his family found out, and you are unhappy. Wow, seems like it may be correlated...? Best thing for you: who cares. Best thing for him: don't let him forgive you, especially if you love him to death. You do not deserve him. In the end, you ARE absolutely at fault for cheating on him, I don't care how bad he was to you. If its bad, then get out of the relationship, stupid. He does not (especially from a distance) have control over you (obviously...of course you cant even control yourself). Just get out of his life so he can find someone who is worth his time, because you.....are DEFINITELY not worth his time, or worth any other guys time. Have a horrible day