Prufrock06

I don't really think there's some kind of standard by which to tell your TA's sexuality. That being said, I agree with the others in that a relationship with a teaching assistant is probably not in your best interests -- a crush is harmless enough, but getting involved wouldn't work out in the long run.

Though icemotoboy's right in that you don't know how things are going to turn out for both of you tomorrow, or a week from now, or two years from now, I also feel like the young gay male dating scene isn't as dire a situation as you might think. I say this because I sometimes feel the same way: it's like looking for something mature, honest and lasting in a sea of people who just want superficial, open-ended relationships or cheap, easy thrills. And yet there are many people out there (me included, as well as others on this message board) who have the same complaints and worries that you have. It seems within the gay dating scene, finding someone as genuine as you think your ex-boyfriend is is like finding a diamond in the rough. And I feel like, were things not to eventually work out with you and your ex (and don't get me wrong, I sincerely hope that things work out for the best with you two! you won't be trapped in some kind of limbo or whatever. Your profile says you live in Baltimore -- that's a large metropolitan area and there are SO many guys of so many different varieties that there are bound to be other guys you would gel with. As I said, I feel the same way you do sometimes but then I realize that I too live in a big metropolitan area (the D.C. Metro area) and so when I or my friends complain about the lack of genuine, serious gay guys, I just think about what a large area I live in and in a sense, it makes the situation seem a lot less hopeless than it does at other times. Anyway, not having been in a four-year long relationship, I can only imagine how rough a period this must be. Just wanted to pass along some words of encouragement and hope. Best of luck!

Crying's great (when it happens occasionally and not everyday)! It's like exercise for the emotions! In fact, I would go so far as to recommend everyone have a good cry at least once a month!

Sorry to hear things looked down this weekend. Its easier to deal with when you think about an experience like this as happening in waves: sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. So it sounds like this past weekend was a downswell for you -- in which case you can look forward to things peaking back up again. It's not going to happen overnight, certainly -- I'm still working with my mother on some issues as well. But it is going to get easier over time. I found your description of your mom going through the "five stages of grief" to be a really interesting point. I never thought about it that way and it certainly does make sense and explains the tangled emotions that can be involved from family members when a child comes out to them. Again, if you look at the situation in the context of how you describe it, you'll know that "acceptance" is one of the five stages as well -- so again, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your rapport with your mother seems like a strong one and this is certainly testing it -- but I doubt your relationship will suffer in the long run as a result. Probably, it will only get stronger. And as far as the fundamentalist religious attitudes towards your sexuality and the attempts to convert you or change you or get you on medication: I echo jamesy's statement whole-heartedly! You're on your own intimate, spiritual, personal journey towards finding yourself and your place in this mess of a world -- don't let them take that away from you at all!

Seems to me like this guy really isn't worth keeping the lines of communication open for....especially if you're feeling so uncomfortable. If you don't like the way things are going, or if you feel like he just wants to use you for surprises...er, sex then trust your instincts! You're a smart, capable guy and you don't deserve to be played. And given all you've written about this guy, it sounds like it's time to cut your losses and start looking for more considerate guys. And yes, they ARE out there! I've been talking to one for the past week or so. And we met through an online dating site to boot, so don't give up hope! Ultimately, I feel like Jinx's posts on this thread speak to more than I could ever hope to articulate. It's important to realize that people who are just cruising for a hookup, or looking to dish out "surprises" to newfound friends aren't going to mesh with those of us looking for a more serious, genuine connection. So don't feel so bad that things didn't work out for this guy -- sounds to me like he wouldn't have been worthy of your attention and affection anyway!

I've heard that anything by Sade is supposed to be good "mood music". The two songs I'm thinking of are "Lover's Rock" and "By Your Side". If you're looking for more general ideas though, I would imagine anything late at night on your local smooth jazz radio station would be appropriate.

bulls, From the way you describe it, it seems like this is just something you're curious about and not necessarily interested in action on. It's okay to be sexually curious at times -- I know I'd be curious to know what it would be like to sleep with Nicole Kidman or Naomi Watts (or both simultaneously, *snortsnort* ) but I don't/can't act out on it 'cause I'm gay. So, I wouldn't worry too much over it. The more you analyze what seems to me to be a simple harmless curiosity, the more it will bother you.

Wow, this is a great question. I wish I had answers of my own, but I'm kinda in the same boat, LOL. I'd be curious what others think.

Interesting issue, Carlo. Sometimes I wonder if my own insecurities about intimacy are related to the fact that I was in the closet for so long (I've only recently come out to everyone around me, but still, when you've been in the closet for ten years of your life, it's kinda hard to just shrug off those old, paranoid habits, haha). If you're really serious about exploring the issues behind your intimacy issue, and if you think a lot of it is tied up in your past, you might want to consider sitting down with a counselor or some kind of talk therapy (not medication, just talking) to sort through these issues. I know from personal experience that the cliched statement is true: "talking helps." Though it helps to air our your concerns here, perhaps some professional help might be in order as well? Just a thought.

The fact that your brother took you to Hooters to try and talk about your sexuality is a real....HOOT. Get it? "Hoot?" Har har har.... Last time I was in Hooters was a couple years back with my two good friends (who are straight and who, at the time, thought I was too) -- I admit, the boobs were nice from a purely aesthetic point of view, but the wings were soooo much better, haha But seriously, aside from the irony of the situation, it's so great to hear you stand up for yourself and what you believe in while sitting just a few feet away from someone who's religious and social beliefs seem to run in a completely different direction than your own! It really speaks of your personal strength and courage and says a lot about how serious you are about embracing yourself and being proud about your sexuality despite being around those who would try and dissuade you, or convince you that you are just making a lifestyle choice. Still, DN is kinda right in that your brother does care about you, underneath his inability to embrace the situation. Maybe he just needs some time to get used to the idea -- can't really fault him for that. At least he's making an effort to actively talk with you about it instead of the stories you tell about your other brother, who seems fit to just yell and scream. So keep working on him -- and hey, at least you can keep getting some free lunches out of it! You mentioned in posts a while back that you have an openly gay cousin with a partner -- has he/they weighed in on the situation at all?

Hey Kid, Sorry to hear that you are feeling low -- and despite what robowarrior says, this is the best place to vent whatever feelings you're going through so don't ever hesitate to do so. I often times have a problem venting on this site as well -- believe me, there are a lot more threads I would like to post, topics I would like to talk about, etc. but I just worry about being a burden to people. Perhaps I should take my own medicine when I tell you that you shouldn't feel like a burden with your problems. And don't listen to those who would tell you otherwise! Your mom reminds me exactly of my mom -- accepting of the idea of her son being gay "in theory" but not necessarily "in practice" (ie. talking about dates, crushes, fears, etc.). I only hope that one day I can be as open with my mother about my sexuality as others (including FoxLocke) can be with theirs, so you're not alone in that regard. I think underneath your mother loves you without question, but perhaps she still has some issues to deal with in regards to her son being gay. Which is perfectly fine -- but something that might need to be brought to her attention if you want things to change. While it's a great idea to get some introspection and to take some time to get to know yourself better, I wouldn't recommend cutting yourself off from people and sources (like this forum) that are there to listen to you whatever you rant about (even if it's the same old stuff). I go to this weekly support group for GLBT students here at my school and for the first time I finally opened up completely about a particular issue that worries me (namely, some self-esteem issues and my fears of not being attractive or good enough for the kind of guys I in turn would like to attract) -- I would always keep it bottled up for so long but I felt so good telling the counselor and the other students there about what I was feeling and going through. And even though the problem isn't solved yet, it is so much better to have it out there in the open, even if no one has any quick solutions. So don't cut yourself off completely from any contact or become a kind of emotional hermit -- that won't do you any good, trust me. You're absolutely right when you talk about how writing things down helps you to cope and sort through your feelings -- so keep doing that. Maybe start a journal or a blog or something or note down your feelings on your computer at the end of everyday in a Word document or something like that. Doesn't have to be elaborate entries but maybe just bullet notes on both negative and (perhaps more importantly) positive things that happened to you during the day. Sigh....yes, it does. A lot of the time. But the more you socialize and the more you experience things (something that will undoubtedly happen to you once you go off to college), the more you realize that this is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, sometimes I look at some of these hot guys in the GLBT social group here on campus and yeah, sure they're partying and making out and hooking up and I'm not doing any of that -- and yet when I sit and think about it, I feel like they probably have the same kinds of issues I have (and maybe even worse). So there are definitely two sides to any situation. You're not the only one feeling this way or dealing with these issues -- in fact, I would argue that many of us on this forum, gay or straight, deal with these same things sometimes. Keep your head up! These feelings always come in phases.

keenan's right: if any emotional issues are here, they are the result of a divorce in general, and not necessarily because the mother is getting a divorce to live with another woman. If the children are "messed up" -- I doubt it will be the result of having two mommies, especially considering that they are so young in age (especially the one-year-old boy). Of course, divorce is always difficult in general, but they will eventually adapt to the situation as most children of divorce do. I'm just really uncomfortable with you equating lesbian parents as contributing to a problematic life for a child. Maybe I'm biased because I'm gay -- but I think this is the farthest thing from the truth. Yeah, it's a lot for a child to take it -- but not more to take in than being the child of a single parent, or a child of divorced parents, or an orphan or whatever. Oh, and isn't it possible for vasectomies to be reversed? I thought it was -- in which case your uncle can still have children.

This is great news to hear after what must have been a really tough past few days! It seems to me like the involvement of the rest of the family was making the situation a lot more toxic than it needed to be -- now that it's back to just you and your mother, you can focus on strengthening your relationship with one another. And as for the rest of your family -- whom you paint in a less than positive light -- they know where to find you if they ever change their mind and decide to grow up. But if not, don't worry about them -- you don't need them (or anyone really, for that matter) to validate your existence.

Kid, It's all about what's comfortable for you. If you weren't comfortable hooking up with this guy, then that's fine. If you did enjoy making out with him and sleeping with him (in the literal, not biblical, sense), then that's okay too. However, it seems like the situation is bothering you, in which case the best thing to do is to learn from the experience and be more careful about how you react to being alone or feelings of abandonment. In the sense that now you seem to have come to recognize that you have a habit of making irrational decisions at your most vulerable moments -- and though it has gotten you into something of a personal dilemma at the moment, you can also think about it as realizing your problem and getting a handle on it: as in, "now I know that when I'm lonely, depressed, etc. I tend to make irrational decisions without necessarily thinking them through and I need to work on not letting my loneliness get the better of me by finding other outlets for my feelings". I wouldn't hold out on the Internet dating thing forever. I'd like to think that there are some wonderful guys out there on the Internet personals sites -- heck, I'd like to think that I'm one of them, haha So don't cut yourself off completely just because of a couple bad experiences -- just make sure in the future that when you do meet these guys, not to go beyond any comfort level you don't want to, and don't put yourself in the kind of situation where you think you will be regretting something in the morning.

Dear FoxLocke, This is terrible news to hear. And on the heels of such positive progress you'd made between you and your mother... Regardless of her intentions, there was no right or reason for your aunt to do what she did. It was a definite betrayal of trust. And as for your eldest brother's volatile reaction to the situation -- all I can say from your descriptions of him and your opinion of him, does it really matter what he thinks of you? Why give such an individual's opinion so much control over a life that clearly belongs only to you? You've done so much better with your life than he has and that's something you should never forget -- you've handled all your situations with courage and poise and tact, qualities that seem to be lacking in this family member from your descriptions of him. At the same time, now that the perfectly legitimate anger is slowly subsiding, you can now focus on the next steps to take. Because, whether you like it or not, the information is out there and what matters now is how you proceed with handling it while at the same time remaining true to yourself and not buckling under any type of familial pressure. It sounds to me like the only person who's opinion you are really concerned about, at the end of the day, is your mother's -- is this an accurate statement to make? And yeah, she's probably going to waffle on the issue a little bit but you should try as best you can to kind of counteract whatever negative "information" she might get from other family relatives. Continue going to the FLAGG support group and bring this issue up next time, as hard as it might be for the two of you to talk about it. I think, for all the support we can give you here on the enotalone message boards, being surrounded by a group of people who have gone through the same thing and being able to physically and vocally interract with them might provide some fresh insight for not only you, but (perhaps more importantly) for your mother as well. It's perfectly okay to be angry and worried about what's going to happen next. But you will get through this, as trite a saying as that may be. You've accomplished so much from all the posts of yours that I have read and I know you'll make it through this rough period and come out a better person on the other side. Maybe this can be viewed as a great motivator for you to move out of the house in the near future, to strike out on your own somewhere new and exciting and different (and certainly GLBT friendly) and to go out and live your life without having to worry about what your family members think of you. You'll be in my thoughts. Please keep us updated.

Keenan, My gut tells me that I'm probably over-reacting and there is a perfectly logical reason why he hasn't responded to my email yet -- as he seems like a very easygoing person. Also, the decision to cut short the chat was mutual. He said he was cleaning, I said we can chat later, he said that it would probably be less annoying for me to chat later since he was multitasking. So it's not like I was just cut off or anything; he didn't say "I'm cleaning. Let's talk later" or anything like that. Does this change things at all?

So to make a long story short, I sent a message to this guy on a dating website who I went to the same college with and how now lives in my area. We only had a brief chat on AIM last Sunday and I would see him online sporadically throughout the week but was too nervous to IM him to talk with him (for numerous self-conscious reasons that I've gone into in other posts). So I sent him an email this past Friday but haven't heard from him yet -- haven't really seen him online either, but then I've had a busy week and weekend. I guess I'm just kinda infatuated with this guy -- he seems to be everything I'm looking for and from his profile we have a lot in common. Also, our chat was nice but it was kinda cut short because he was cleaning his house and so I suggested that we chat later. He said that we would "chat soon" and told me to "take care" -- I guess I just need to learn to take these words at face value instead of trying to insinuate that they are some passive way of saying "so long -- see ya!" I even saved the IM conversation and look over it from time to time -- which is something I NEVER do!, haha So I'm thinking about IMing him the next time I see him online, but I don't want to come accross as desperate or stalkerish (which, I suppose, in some way I am, LOL!). I just would really like to make a new friend at the very least, and he certainly is looking for friends as well, which is maybe why I have so much invested in this brand new friendship at the moment. I just really wanna get to know this guy and I hope he does too. How do I handle this with tact and maturity and show that I'm interested without frightening him off? Thanks in advance, Pru

Bravo, Kid! [begins a polite round of applause]

Jinx, You did a brave thing and you should be commended for it. The proverbial ball is in your friend's court and it's up to her to make the next move. Perhaps she just needs time for this to sink in -- which is perfectly understandable and something that I've had to deal with from certain good friends and family members as well. As Tigris suggested, maybe she's upset that you didn't confide in her earlier (again, something I've had to deal with in my coming out experiences).

Hey everyone, Does anyone else have this paranoid concern about Instant Messanging other people? As in, you want so bad to send them an IM just to say hi or start a conversation but you always feel like you would be bothering them so you end up not IMing them at all? I know this is me, sometimes, haha. For instance, I met someone off a dating site and we exchanged AIM names. We talked briefly once -- he was online this evening and I wanted to talk with him, but again was worried about bothering him by dropping an IM. I guess I was waiting for him to IM me, but maybe he could have been thinking the exact same thing on his end? Anyway, he then signed off and I'm wondering if I should have just put my foot down and IMed him with a witty remark or a hello....I notice though, this can also be an issue with friends on my list who I haven't spoken to in a while, or new friends I've made -- I always hesitate to IM them and manage to talk myself out of it by saying "they're busy", "they are just going to say hi and come up with a reason for leaving" etc. Pretty insecure of me, huh? So I don't think it's just the fact that I like this guy that makes me feel this way, but a general AIM issue overall. So now I'm trying to seek out any advice from people who either have this problem or who think I'm being silly in being so concerned about the social politics of Instant Messenger (I think I fall into this latter camp, haha). Am I being unreasonable in thinking this way? Or maybe I'm being rational? Thanks in advance!

FoxLocke, I'm SO happy for you!!!! You have a wonderful, wonderful mother and I'm glad that things turned out well and she accepts you for who you are! You should be so proud of her and proud of yourself as well for having the strength and courage to be who you are and to share all of yourself with your mother! [Does a happy, coming out dance in FoxLocke's honor]

Ugh...I hate people's general conceptions of gay/lesbian relationships as one in which the traditional male/female roles are still retained. On the one hand, these generalizers and critics stress the idea that marriage should be between a man and a woman and that homosexual relationships don't count, and at the same time they insist on trying to categorize two men or two women in a relationship as fulfilling traditional male-female roles. I just don't get it.... Me particularly, I'm pretty masculine acting but at the same time, I'm not looking to go into a relationship with a particular role to fulfill. I dunno, maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one in the universe who finds other things of more importance in a relationship (like chemisty, personality, etc.) than who's on top and who's on bottom (kinda like that old baseball joke, "Who's on First?" haha) And to be honest, I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I felt one person was fulfilling a female role or a male role -- maybe my boyfriend and I could just be males, period? And leave the bedroom politics to the only two people for whom it matters: us? Like UT said: "I want to be his MAN and I want him to be my MAN." I completely agree! So handle your relationship with your boyfriend however you want, UT -- again, the relationship belongs to the two of you and not to anyone else

This part of your post struck me the most, Thakid, because it reminds me of the same kind of self-esteem hangups I can get from time to time -- hangups that make me wonder whether having a boyfriend would solve any of these problems. I mean, I'd like to think that once I have a boyfriend or some guy to care about me (if such a guy even exists, lol) a lot of these issues of low self-esteem and self-doubt (ie. am I attractive enough? am I interesting enough?) will go away. But the more I think about it, the more the common idea of "you have to love and trust in yourself before you can love and trust in others" makes sense to me. I guess it's important to recognize your own personal strengths instead of focussing on what you perceive to be your personal inadequacies (or what you think this guy will think of as an inadequacy). It just might be that the things you find "wrong" with you are the very same things he might find cute and endearing. I think for both of us it's all a matter of self-perception and working on cultivating an idea of ourselves that is positive and not rooted in all our potential faults, whether it's a few extra pounds around the stomach, a few stretch marks, acne scars, a gray patch of hair, being extremely short/extremely tall etc. etc. etc. -- the list of things can go on forever. Ultimately, the less you beat yourself up over worries about him leaving you or not wanting to hang around you (when your friendship has only just begun), the more open and willing you'll be to enjoy something that has the potential to be a positive relationship experience! Best of luck! And as the motto among us regulars goes: keep us posted!

I agree with others -- if you've repeatedly told him you're only interested in a platonic relationships and he's not willing to accept that, then you need to suggest not hanging out anymore. Don't ignore him or cut him off, just sit him down and tell him that you've given him enough chances, that he hasn't stopped and you think it's best not to hang out together for a while. Platonic friendships between straight guys and gay guys are possible and, in all honesty, not that farfetched a concept. I'm gay and most of my best friends are straight guys and there's never any issues or conflict of interest like you mention with your friend. It's normal for gay guys to have crushes on straight guys (again, guilty as charged) -- but there's one thing between having a crush, realizing it will go nowhere, moving beyond that fact to enjoy a new friendship -- and pursuing it to the ends of earth, until both parties involved end up getting frustrated and annoyed. I imagine it would be the same way for a straight guy to have a crush on a married woman -- it's perfectly normal to have the crush but to pursue it, when you know its an impossibility (or at least technically it is) is where it starts to become a problem.