Prufrock06

Jinx, I think it's important not to let these people and their impressions get you down so much. In a sense, there's always going to be some misunderstanding between heterosexuals and homosexuals -- being a gay guy, I can completely identify with your awkwardness in regards to dealings with the same sex. Sometimes I wonder whether straight guys can comprehend the fact that a gay guy can be friends with them without having some kind of hidden agenda, which it seems like some of your friends think you have? I feel like the problem lies in this idea that just because you're attracted to the same sex means that everyone of the same sex you come accross is going to become your object of lust or obsession -- which is completely ridiculous and, in some respects, is kind of self-involved thinking on the part of the "selective homophobe".

Since it seems like you're more keen on making a new friend at this point in time, while trying to decipher if he's a straight friend or a gay friend, my advice would be to just keep hanging around him, striking up conversations in class or wherever you come accross each other -- if he invites you out somewhere or to meet and hang out, I'd go for it. I'm always perplexed as to how to make new friends -- sometimes I try and think about how I became friends with the people I'm good friends with now, and I can honestly not put my finger on the way in which I did so. I guess it's just something that seemed to happen naturally... That being said, the best way to become better friends would be to continue hanging out with him. The more comfortable you two get around each other, the easier it will be to eventually probe him about his sexuality and other likeminded issues. Good luck!

Thakid, I would tread on the side of caution with this, at least until you get to know this individual more and more. Stick with Internet communication for the time being to get a sense of what he's like, who he really is -- and if you eventually feel the need to meet, as others have suggested, make sure it's in a public place and I would hesitate from going back to his place, especially if you are concerned that he just wants to get into your pants. Because it's the Internet, you do have a legitimate reason to be cautious. At the same time, I don't see the harm in communicating with him over the Internet and (if you must) via cell phone. The only time to really be on guard is when (and if) you make plans to meet in person.

happytown, Interesting question, and one that I've thought about on and off for some time. My two cents on the matter is that my homosexuality isn't my choice, its a biological/psychological aspect of myself that was instilled in me at birth. Though there are some people who use the "it's not a choice" argument because they would rather be straight, I don't feel that by asserting the idea of sexuality as a given and not a choice automatically suggests that someone would rather be what they are not. For example, when I say that my homosexuality isn't a choice, I'm saying it as a way of demonstrating that my sexual and emotional feelings for other guys isn't something I've chosen, something I can just turn on and off like a switch, and not because I'm using that as an excuse to explain why I'm not straight. I used to think this way, but in reality, I don't really feel this intense pressure to be straight. The idea of choice seems to me to suggest the idea of sexuality as a lifestyle, in the same way that wife-swapping or S&M is a lifestyle. And I think there is a big difference between someone's sexual orientation and and a "style" of living. I also feel that if homosexuality were a choice, there wouldn't be so many people being anxious/stressed/depressed/suicidal/angry because they are gay and are afraid to come out of the closet. Would this be the case for someone who was merely making a "choice" instead of coming to terms with an unalterable fact of their existence? Food for thought. Eat hearty.

I feel like the hate crime cases that you mention are so rare and so extreme that I don't take them into consideration when going about my daily life. Of course, there's a big difference between the occurrence of violent hate crimes and more generalized hate speech or verbal assault. But am I worried about losing my life or getting physically hurt because of my sexuality? I would have to say rarely...if I were to be concerned about anything, it would be about being made fun of or called out with a variety of tasteless names. Just make sure that the company you keep and the people you surround yourself with aren't judgemental or closed-minded and you'll be fine.

I joined the GLBT group here on campus, a pretty fair-sized grouping of guys (yes, many many crushable ones) and girls who meet every week to discuss a particular issue or topic (ie. Gays in the Military, Being Out in the Workplace, etc.). Afterwards, there's always a party and so I've recently been going to those, making the social rounds, trying to make as many acquaintances as possible in the hopes of establishing some friendships (while subconsciously keeping my eyes peeled for any dating/relationship potential). And yet I've noticed that there seem to be two general "groupings" of gay guys within the organization -- and probably within greater society as well. The first are those who, like me, participate in most of the social activities and invest time in the group and meetings for the purposes of support and friendships. We are a part of the group because we're gay/lesbian/bisexual but our conversation and identities aren't limited to that. Then there are those who, unlike me, seem to have politics and activism at the forefront of their minds. They've formed a separate group devoted to issues of activism and GLBT politics and seem to focus more on the Big Issues than the idea of being gay for gay's sake, if that makes any sense. So I've been thinking about whether I should feel out of the loop or "guilty" for not investing so much energy and interest into the politics of being gay. Though of course I support wholeheartedly issues like gay marriage, gay adoption and all those issues -- I don't find myself drawn to the idea of protesting, organizing petitions, spreading the word, joining this political organization, etc. etc. It's like I have enough to deal with on my own without getting so entrenched in the politics of my sexuality. While I know these are serious issues on the table that have a great bearing for the future of me and the minority to which I have always been a part of, I'd much rather spend my time socializing, making friends, getting comfortable in my skin and enjoying life than spending so much time struggling for rights that, on my most pessimistic days, I don't think I'll get to enjoy until late in my lifetime. Part of me feels like I am doing my part just by being proud of who I am: I'm a relatively out homosexual male living in suburbia. In a way, I see those of us who don't live in the cities but live in places like the south or middle America or in other environments here in the States and around the world that haven't yet wholly embraced the idea of homosexuality as something rational and natural and normal as being on the frontlines of these issues between "straight" and "gay" culture. I mean this in the sense that it's easy to be political in the heart of a major metropolitan area, where homosexuality is much less looked down upon or scrutinized the way it would be in other places -- but the real struggle is being gay out among the rest of the world that doesn't understand us, adopting children, raising families and showing the rest of society how responsible and essentially similar we are to everyone else. So yeah, I guess I justify my so-called "lack of interest" in GLBT politics by being proud of who I am and setting my goals on cultivating a similar kind of life as I would were I born straight. So what does everyone else think of this? Do you ever feel this pressure to get more involved in GLBT politics if you're not so involved already? Is it fair for some of us to put more emphasis on just being proud of who we are instead of making each day a political fight for a particular cause we believe in? Is it a choice for GLBT folk to become political or should it be considered a duty since our cultural minority is going through some rough times culturally-speaking? Thanks for reading through this.

Hey Kid, You should be proud of yourself that you got so close to telling your friend about your sexuality -- even though you "chickened out", at least you're starting to feel comfortable talking about the subject with other people. I chickened out too this past month in trying to tell my grandparents and aunt and uncle about my being gay -- so it really just depends on the person and the situation as to whether it's going to be more easy or more difficult in coming out. If your friend has put 2 and 2 together, then that's fine. To echo FoxLocke's advice, if he gives you a hard time or avoids you, then he really wasn't an honest, true friend to begin with. I understand your problems with being alone, and I get that way sometimes too. It's 11:42 in the morning when I'm writing this, I've just listened to a phone message from my crush, and I'm feeling a bit of the same loneliness pangs that you were last night. But as cliched as it sounds, things are definitely going to look up for you as soon as you leave high school behind and head off to college. I'm kind of in the same boat you are, in the sense that I'm leaving college behind for the "real world" and I'm concerned about making new friends, etc. But I think in the end, things will work out fine for the both of us. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, Kid. I'm not too worried about your future.

Sounds like a vicious cycle to me: guy goes and gets a random hookup because he needs his self-esteem boosted, then doesn't get that boost because there's no real intimacy involved and so he goes back out to get another random hookup to "fix" these feelings... At the risk of getting trapped in this cycle, I'm reaching a point where I'm just thinking about holding off on sex unless its with someone I've already established some kind of intimacy or emotions with.

That's great that you feel you could care less about what other people think about your sexuality! It shows a lot of confidence and personal strength that are crucial for this period of your life, when you're starting to come to terms with who you are and accept yourself. Now you're going to find out who your real friends are: those who stick with you and support you and don't really care who you're sexually/emotionally attracted to. The rest of them, those who laugh at you or whisper behind your back or blatantly make fun of you are yokels, and not even worth your brain power to care about. They were really only your friends because you conformed to some idea of what their friends should be like -- forget them. So if someone asks you and you feel comfortable being honest: be honest. Don't make a big scene about it, but just answer the question as you would any other question like, "Are you fourteen years old?" or "Is it true that you live in Maryland?" etc. etc. The less you make it seem like a big deal through getting nervous and afraid, the less it will have that effect on others. In fact, they may be impressed by how casually and clearly you answered their question -- because in asking you, what they try and do sometimes is put you on the spot. Good luck!

jamie, If you want to probe what he's thinking and get at the root of your two's feelings for one another, then I would advise to try and do it in as sober an environment as possible, especially if you're worried that the only time you two really come onto each other is after drinks. The key, I feel, is being open with each other without a few drinks -- not an easy task, I'm sure. But it's probably the only way you can be certain about what's going on between you two -- and I do feel from what you've written that there is a lot of magentism going on between you two, but you guys just haven't sat down to discuss it. So the best thing: set aside some time on an upcoming evening to have a conversation with him in a kind of neutral, non-hectic environment. Maybe invite him to coffee or arrange a time to talk to each other on the phone. That way you won't have to worry about the bar environment interfearing with what you want to figure out. I don't think he would still be dating you if he didn't feel for you in some degree, so I feel your chances of being shot down or talked to like you're completely misreading signs is a bit slim.

FoxLocke, I think you should definitely try and strike up a conversation with this guy as ThaKid suggested, even if it's something as simple as what your reading in class, or something to that effect! Of course, it is, as he suggested, easier said than done. And I wish I could take my own advice but it always seems easier giving other people help and aid than taking your own medicine, so to speak. So how about this: you exchange some words with your crush, and I'll do the same with mine, and we can compare notes on our respective experiences from there. You really hit the nail on its proverbial head with this one. This is what frustrates me about the dating scene as well. And I suppose the fact that the three of us are interested in guys who don't necessarily wear their sexualities on their sleeves makes crush situations like these all the more frustrating. Then again, part of it is nice to just fantasize about possibly being in a relationship with someone you suspect of being gay, isn't it? At least for a while, before the confusion becomes maddening... It's interesting that he said this because sometimes I wonder the same thing, whether its even worthwhile to get involved in these gay groups on campus or even think about dating here considering that I'm going to graduate in May (then again, I only live two hours away from where I go to school -- does this make my situation any different than others?) And I agree that the left out feeling is very painful -- it seems to reach its peak around Valentine's Day and through the beginning weeks of Spring. That being said, I don't think that this should stop any us from at least trying to make friends, regardless of whether there's the potential for a relationship or not. Whatever comes after a new friendship will either come on its own or not at all. Not the most comforting thought, I suppose. But a lovesick fool can always hope, haha! A question though: I was talking today at dinner with my crush (not the latest one in my class, but my friend I've mentioned in previous posts) and he was talking about how it's much more difficult for him to approach girls than guys. To which I responded that the opposite was true in my case: I find it much more difficult to approach guys than girls. Do others have an easier time making friends with people of the gender to which they aren't sexually attracted to? I just think of the GLBT group on campus I go to for their weekly meetings -- and when I walk in the room sometimes I get deathly afraid that I'm being judged or examined or whatever and it takes A LOT for me to strike up a conversation, just because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, coming accross as not worth talking to, etc.

It sounds definite that you two have a really close friendship. I don't know of many straight guys who would be so close with another guy in the manner you describe. As to whether he has the same feelings for you that you do for him, who's to say? Do you give the impression that you are attracted to him, or as flirtatious with him as he seems to be with you? Because if not, maybe he has feelings for you but (like you) isn't sure how to process them or talk with you about them -- which must certainly be frustrating for both parties involved. And yet it seems like you two have a close enough friendship together that it might not be beyond the realm of possibility to eventually broach the subject with him -- perhaps sometime when you two are hanging out alone you can ask him what his opinion is of all your fraternity brothers joking about the two of you being boyfriends? Seems to me that would be a good lead-in for some sort of discussion, so at least you can try and iron out your confusion. If you guys are dropping these sexual suggestions left and right, and even sharing the same bed together, then I don't feel his attitude towards your bisexuality will be one of hostility or anger. I don't want to get your hopes up, but it might even be a way for him to talk about his confused feelings as well, if it turns out that he has some.

So yeah, another semester's started for me at school, and already I've found around three guys within the space of two classes that I'm crushing on. Just one of those first impression, "hmm...he's really cute, I wonder what he's like" kinds of deals. You know, the kind where you find yourself glancing accross the table or accross the room at him or her, where you find yourself wondering whether they'll be there in class that day, where you find yourself thinking about them sometimes? Nothing as potent as the crush I have on my "straight" friend (see my "Advice on My Crush" post), but still crushes nonetheless. Of course, this usually happens every semester and certainly makes it easier to attend class, haha. And of the three, there's one guy that I'm fairly certain is gay. Funny thing is, he used to live in my dorm complex last year and I had something of a crush on him then as well. So I was pleasantly surprised to find him in my class this semester, after having only catching brief glimpses of him around campus since he moved off. But with him and this other guy, I'm not too sure how to approach someone you have a mild crush on -- is this something that's even recommended or should I just consign these guys to the rest of the heap of guys I've had crushes on in years past, but was never even brave enough to sit next to them or strike up a conversation with them? And I feel like this is my last semester here, and it's the beginning of the semester, so why not go for it, right? But again, I just get these hesitant feelings to talk to these guys, like I'm not sure of a way to strike a conversation without sounding a)stupid and b)completely desperate to make a friend. Making new friends isn't the easiest thing in the world for me, although I do feel like I'm getting better at it. Maybe with this one guy I could bring up the fact that I remember seeing him around my dorm complex, but that would be silly, wouldn't it? Or at least it would finger me out as someone who constantly stared at him (which, admittedly, I did and still do, haha). So I dunno....I wonder sometimes whether crushes should remain just that: silent, private things that make going to class worthwhile but aren't necessarily worth pursuing. But doesn't there come a point where our crushes become so powerful that you can either do something about it or just drop it alltogether? Then again, part of me thinks about what would happen if I did get the nerve to strike up a conversation with this guy and that maybe I could make an interesting friend. Does anyone else have this issue with same-sex (or even opposite sex) crushes that they'd either like to date or be friends with, but can't summon up enough nerve to open the lines of communication? It just seems like the people who become my friends always come up to me first instead of me coming up to them, which is something I'd like to work on changing. But how to come accross as genuinely interesting in wanting to know someone without coming accross as a needy, wet blanket?

In regards to your personal experience with cheating: I agree with everyone else in that you need to vacate the premises as soon as possible. I can't imagine what it's like to be cheated on and I'm certain that it's a horrible feeling, so I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I hate to be a pessimist, but people who cheat rarely do so "on accident" -- it's bound to happen again with this girl down the road, I'm sure. So in that respect, despite your current pain and frustration, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you won't have to waste anymore time on someone who is willing to be so fickle with your feelings and emotions. In regards to your question, why people cheat: I feel like a lot of it has to do with the cheater's own self-esteem. Rarely, if ever, will you find someone willing to cheat on a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't have some deep-seeded issues with himself/herself. Maybe it's the lure of youth, the idea of wanting to hold onto something fleeting when you start to see it in yourself? Maybe it's the desire to avoid settling down, this urge to constantly bail ship when things get too complex or too "dull." I personally want to have a relationship where I can grow roots, and not be constantly digging myself out of old soil only to plant myself somewhere else for a few months. So maybe that explains my animosity towards cheaters and the idea of cheating, which I find (as most reasonable people would) completely irresponsible and self-destructive. So I don't think you should for one second blame yourself in this situation -- the fact that she cheated on you shouldn't speak for you, but it should speak volumes about her.

I just got back to school from Winter Break: a month spent mostly at home, hanging around the family, visiting old friends, taking a trip down to Florida for the holidays and to see some extended family. To make a long break short, I had a relatively good time. There were certain frustrations and drama that come with being around the family for so long, and there were some arguments and bitter days, but there were also some fun moments as well. So now here I am, having unpacked all my stuff; my dorm room is back in order, my books for this semester's classes have been purchased, I have plans to meet up with a friend for dinner -- and yet I can't shake this feeling I get during times like this. I used to suffer from near-constant anxiety and I would say that my feelings are a little like that, but certainly muted. It's not bothering me so much as making me curious about what this is. I get very nostalgic about the time spent in the past -- the good memories, the trips, etc. etc. For example, I drove back to school today by myself and a lot of the time I felt in this kind of nostalgic funk, a little bit melancholic about the "good times" that passed and curious to see where I'm going to end up at the end of this semester. What makes this post-vacation blues feeling different this time around is that I've gone through so much inner change over the past Fall Semester (I came out of the closet to many of my friends and my immediate family, I've lost a lot of depression weight and gotten over my issues with stress and anxiety, I've developed so much self-confidence and energy it's frightening at times, etc.) and so my nostalgia for the past is mixed with this kind of tense excitement to see where I'm going to end up over the course of the next four-five months: how better will I get at meeting people and social situations? will I start dating? how much more weight will I lose, what kind of job will I find once I graduate, etc. But still this core melancholic feeling remains, so that I'm lounging around my dorm room and listening to a few songs over and over again that seem to strike a kind of emotional chord with me. The songs for this post-vacation blues episode are "Hot Fun in the Summertime" by Sly and the Family Stone (go figure on that one, it being cold and wintery here where I live and go to school) The Killers' "Smile Like You Mean It" and "An Honest Mistake" by The Bravery -- all three are songs I happened to hear this morning while I was packing and driving back to school. I guess I listen to these songs and I let my memory go -- I used to cry almost every time a vacation ended and I was back at school. Again, now I'm not depressed and sad so much as nostalgic and curious to explore where this might be coming from and, more importantly, whether other people feel this from time to time? Do other people experience this when getting back from a break or a vacation, or is this something endemic to my own individual personality (which is certainly nostalgic, sentimental, romantic, and at times melancholic)? Any ideas, stories, advice on how you cope with this feeling, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Again, I'm really just curious to see if this is something more common than I think. Thanks for reading through this post!

Hey, Didn't mean to imply that coming out to another gay person isn't as good as coming out to someone who's straight. It's just that line in your post: " I mean it helped since she's gay too...But still it was a step in the right direction." sounded to me like you were maybe a little miffed that you couldn't come out to someone who wasn't gay? I dunno -- I'm back at school now so maybe I just have my English major, close-reading goggles on, in which case I'm sorry if I read too much into that sentence or put words in your mouth. I agree that having another friend who's GLBT is probably even more of an asset than just an accepting straight friend because you can have a dialogue with them that I don't have with my straight friends -- who are very accepting of me but can't really identify with a lot of my fears and concerns. It's like being with someone from eNotAlone -- but in the flesh!

It's good that you've taken this experience and learned from it. I get afraid of rejection too, even from just general people I try and make friends with, not necessarily potential crushes or boyfriends. Trying to make a good first impression is a struggle...And yeah, I can't emphasis enough how much it stinks when you have to try and decipher someone's sexuality, but to put a positive spin on it: at least you will have made an interesting new friend, worse comes to worse. So yeah, take that risk next time! I agree with UT in a sense though -- you shouldn't have to feel like it's completely over between the two of you. Can you maybe get his contact information? A phone number or at the very least, email address or screenname -- just to maybe keep in touch with him, ask how his college experience is going, etc. -- should do. Not sure how possible this is given the situation between you two, but it's worth a shot!

Foxlocke, Great story! And congratulations on being able to talk so openly and (my impression from your post) casually about your sexuality! Don't feel bad that you came out to someone who was homosexual herself -- a friend is a friend is a friend and now you have someone you can completely confide in. Sure, when you've come out to someone it feels a little awkward at first, but hopefully you'll find that awkwardness replaced by more genuine openness! Nicely handled!

teen, Being sexually confused is a natural thing -- at least among us here on these message boards, who were all at one point or another dealing with the confusion of sexual feelings. You seem to be accepting the fact that you're gay or bisexual -- and it's great that you're recognizing your feelings. My only word of caution would be to echo Cloud802's advice: supressing these feelings or denying to yourself who your find yourself sexually or emotionally attracted to will only make your confusion worse, and will bring you lots of stress and personal heartache. Accepting yourself gets easier with each passing day, despite the occasional pitfall and pratfall.

Yeah, I find plenty of women physically attractive. Recognizing a beautiful woman walking down the street or in class is no different than appreciating the beauty in any other piece of art. But, of course, what makes me different from most of my straight male friends is that, for me, the attraction stops there. In fact, I would say it's less of an out-and-out attraction (not like the kind I feel when I see a handsome guy in class or around campus) but just more of an overall recognition and appreciation of something that looks visually appealing. I'm not really gender-specific in what I find beautiful, though I am gender-specific as to what I'm sexually attracted to, or what I would want to invest in an emotional relationship with, if that makes sense. Funny thing is, I feel like I have to convince my male friends sometimes that just because I'm gay doesn't mean I lied all those times I said such-and-such was a really attractive girl -- and that I can still recognize female beauty when I see it. Nine times out of ten, she was. I just wasn't attracted to her on a sexual level. Like we'd talk about some of the female stars of television shows or some of the female chefs on Food TV and every once in a while my one friend will ask me, "did you really think she was pretty?" My answer, of course, is yes. I just may have embellished talking about how sexy she was, how I'd want to sleep with her, etc. -- for obvious closeted reasons. I think it's perfectly natural to see beauty in the opposite sex (if you're homosexual) and in the same sex as well (if you're heterosexual). I think maybe sometimes there's a hangup about finding beauty in the gender to which you aren't sexually/emotionally attracted to -- as if it's taboo to recognize beauty or attractiveness in someone you'd never kiss or sleep with. But do you all think there are similar characteristics of "beauty" that people look for all accross the board, whether heterosexual or homosexual? In other words, are there some physical/emotional characteristics that are just considered beautiful as a universal? Or is beauty much more specific than that? Just curious.

From one imaginative and creative person to another -- doing any kind of creative work is quite possibly the best thing you could do to get through these rough periods! I love creative writing, whether it's personal stories or articles and columns for the school newspaper or short stories and (hopefully) the eventual novel or two (or three or four or five...), I find that this helps me so much with my emotions and feelings because I channel so much of myself into what I work on. Not just my time and effort and brain power, but my own personality as well. Which explains why I take such care to make sure what I write on here is somewhat well-written, because I feel like the closest I can come to expressing my real, honest-to-goodness personality is through writing. I've always been a much better writer than speaker, haha. I too have been out of the creative game for a bit, at least as far as my personal creative writing goes, but like you, I feel empowered enough to start getting back in the game, and maybe even using it as an outlet to process things that I've been through or things that I'm dealing with right now. So yeah, definitely keep up with the creative stuff, and the intellectual exploring as well. Even if you don't make a profit out of your writing, your drawings, your learning...it's not there to provide you with an income (if it does, that's always a great bonus!) but there to provide you with an outlet for organizing and collecting your thoughts and feelings. You can never learn/create too much, can you? I'm not either. I always considered (and still do, to some degree) myself more mature than my peers, which led not only to some sort of pride (like I was in on a big universal secret that no one else knew about) but also some frustration as well. So it's a conflicting place to be. But you should pride yourself in that you can take the time to distance yourself from everything and observe, and note, and take account of what you don't want to be like, and what you want to be like.

I find this discussion topic so interesting that I want to throw in my proverbial two cents, but I'm not sure how. I was raised in a multi-religious home (my father's a Muslim and my mother a Methodist) that stressed exposure to all different religions as opposed to a central focus on one -- I don't currently belong to any particular organized religion, but I do possess a deep sense of personal spirituality and at the end of the day, I do believe in something greater than myself but just don't worry about delving into it so deeply that we get entrenched in this same microcosmic issues we're talking about here. Having gone through that autobiographical disclaimer, my question is this: what it comes down to is the personal merit and worth that each of us puts into aspects of whatever holy book you follow, if you follow one at all. I know that the Bible wasn't written solely as a commentary on homosexuality, or solely as a commentary on circumcision or money-lending or whatever. This "commentary" on homosexuality is just a small, teeny-tiny footnote in a book that contains numerous little footnotes about social customs, economic and cultural practices, politics, marriage, masturbation, farming, child-bearing and -rearing, education, etc. etc. But being a resident of the 21st century, I feel my own spirituality (which falls in line with much of the religious influence I was brought up with) allows a place for my sexuality within the rubric of contemporary Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, whatever. I feel like fundamentalism starts when people can't adapt their practices or their beliefs to changes in society and culture and world think. Of course, you say this to someone and you get into an argument about religion versus secularism and that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about minor, particular social customs and rules that clearly have no place in a progressive society(not "progressive" politically but "progressive" literally -- a society that moves forward through time and doesn't remain rooted in one place, that adapts like human beings do to various new climates). That's why I do have major issues with religious fundamentalism of any kind -- although in the case of this thread, the fundamentalism under scrutiny is Christian fundamentalism. When you compose a book like the Bible (however you choose to believe it was composed, although if you believe it to be the direct, transcribed word of God, then this argument is rendered moot and not even worth discussing), you take into account many things when detailing these customs and social rules, but you honestly can't comprehend the state of the world 100 years from now, in the same way people in the 1800s couldn't comprehend this invisible inter-net of communication we're enjoying and taking for granted right now. I think when you start to recognize texts like the Bible and the Koran as fallible texts open to interpretation, open to change, then you're not so much damaging or threatening your own religious beliefs as you are adapting them to your current situation. In essense, your bringing your faith along with you and making it that much more of an important tool for your life. Which explains why there are so many homosexuals who don't just give up on their religion because their sexuality is shunned by it but those like some of the posters on this board who come to a personal compromise and hold themselves even closer to their beliefs because they know the essense of any faith, and probably the only aspect of religion that should remain rooted and fundamental, are these broad strokes about love and faith and humility and not the tiny, individual brush strokes dealing with what gender you love, how many gods you worship, how much money you give to a charity, etc. etc. Which probably explains why a lot of this conflict between religious fundamentalism and homosexuality bothers me so much, not only because I have a vested interest in one of the two sides (can you guess which one? ) but because at the same time I don't possess the embittered, angry homosexual response that "religion sucks because it doesn't allow for my sexual orientation". I recognize that these fundamentalist Christians don't speak for all of Christianity, in the same way I as a gay male wouldn't want the club bunnies and internet sex hounds speaking for homosexuality as a whole. Every group has a small minority that seems to play a much more crucial role than it really does -- that's where the essense of stereotyping lies. Was this completely off-track? If so, apologies.

I hesitate sometimes to reply to these kinds of "what am I" posts because I really believe that no one else can tell you what your sexuality is, regardless of what experiences you've had, what feelings you currently have, what you'd like to have, etc. Though it certainly is a relief to air our your stress in such a place, where you can get a range of opinions and suggestions. I'm gay and there are many aspects of your post, wiguy, that I identify with. I would even go so far as to accuse you of plagarising from the Book of My Life, haha So it would stand to reason that my opinion would be you're probably gay and in denial, as I was at the time I felt many of the same things you did, right? But this could be the truth, or it could be the farthest thing from it. I certainly don't know. Only you can really tell for sure whether you consider yourself straight and confused, bisexual or gay or whatever. 1. I think your exploration into a sexual and emotional relationship with another man is definitely valid, and it might be good to try and explore this feelings and see if there is any real genuine emotion behind your sexual desires. If so, then I would argue that you probably lean more towards the homosexual end of the spectrum and are just hung up on various stressors (like morality, religion, etc.) that are conflicting with your desires. If not, then I think it best to seek some professional insight into what drives these insecurities and why they seem to have such a powerful hold over your sexuality. 2. Yes, I have had feelings like yours before. And again, I'm gay and I have no desire to get over my "gay tendencies" because I've come to conclusion on my own after much thought and personal stress that I am indeed emotionally attracted to other guys as well as physically attracted to other guys. I haven't had sex with another guy -- and I haven't had sex with another woman, either. But I know in my heart and mind the way I feel, and I've accepted that. Does this mean you can be expected to follow the same path? I want to say yes, but again, who knows for sure? The answer (like the title of that classic Oldies song): Only You.

So yeah, I did some research (read: Googling and Yahooing) and haven't found anything of substance or worth my time. Everything does seem geared towards superficial sex and body shots in profiles, etc. etc. Not towards any kind of friendship or interpersonal communication. But as far as non-Internet things, I came up with a lot of options and activities for the Metro area I live near. Of course, it's not as easy for people who don't live in a big city or in/near a college campus. Searching for options and opportunities in a decent-sized city you live near might not be the best method, but it certainly does enough to lift one's spirits, just to know those kind of things are out there and somewhat in reach. It gives hope (as does this forum) that there are GLBT folk out there concerned with more than just the kind of trash you find in these back-alley chatrooms and message boards that make people like us long for a more civilized, worthwhile outlet.

Thakid, At the expense of your Friday evening and your troubled emotions, I must say that was a great post to read, and one that was certainly personally affecting. Please don't feel like you post too much, or that you're bothering us by posting your thoughts and worries on this board. That's what we're hear for: to listen, to provide personal annecdotes to show that you're not alone, and hopefully some advice as well. That being said, I really identify with your high school experience. I too was very inward and shy -- more of a wallflower than anything else. And it's something I really regret; I was never very social, always afraid of poking my little head out from under my protective shell, watching every little physical gesture of mine, everything I said or did so that no one else around me would think I was gay or would call me out on some behavior or saying that implied I was. And according to my friends and family, who were surprised when I told them I was gay, they had no idea -- which means I must have pulled off a good job, but at the expense of my sanity, my social life, as well as my emotional and physical well-being. It's perfectly normal to ponder this once in a while, but I would try not dwelling on it so much as it will only drive you crazy. Instead, look at it this way: find the things that make you "good enough" and "interesting enough" not to others, but to yourself (and I'm sure there are many qualities, you're just not thinking about them now because you're in a funk -- trust me, I know how one-sided these occasional emotional pitfalls can be). Once you can define this, you'll answer the question as to why a guy would want to be your boyfriend, and would want to love you and stay in a committed, loving relationship with you! Again, you're at a very transitional period in your life, ThaKid, and not just because of your sexuality. You're getting ready to go off to college, to begin to live independently and to be able to make your own decisions about your future. Of course it's going to be scary. I'm going to graduate from college in the spring and join the "real world" and I'm scared out of my mind in the same way you are. "It's very frightening" indeed -- and the fact that you're coming to terms with your sexuality only makes the stress more difficult. But I've read a lot of your posts and I see how much progress you make and I know you've got the potential in you to not get so hung up on what everyone else thinks. And if you start feeling this funky feeling, it's important a) to share your feelings with whoever's willing to listen and b) to get out and do something to take your mind off things, as others have recommended. Anything to keep your mind active and focussing on something relaxing or enjoyable and not on these dark clouds that everyone, not just you, has trouble dealing with at various points. Not everyone's going to like you, and not just because you're gay either. They may not like you because you don't tip well at a restaurant, or because you cut them off in traffic or because you come from a better socio-economic standing than they do, etc. etc. etc. If people don't like me because I'm gay or whatever, I just think of one or two ways in which I'm "better" than they are, or ways in which I'm not like them. An example: a couple years ago some girls walked by me on the way to the dining hall and giggled and called me a "Little bin Laden" as they passed -- probably because I'm biracial and my skin has a tanned shade. I was upset, of course; I didn't say anything to them and got angry for a couple hours, but then I just thought about how cool it is to have naturally tanned skin that people spend hours trying to artificially create, or how I'm not so ignorant that I would say that to someone else and that I know enough not to judge people like that. It sounds a bit pompous and conceited, but I think of it more as developing a personal pride in oneself, which is certainly healthy and helps to combat feelings like this. It takes a long time and a lot of strength to accept this very sad fact about the world... But if you can develop a kind of inner strength and focus more on your high points than your low points, you strengths instead of your weaknesses, your beauty marks instead of your warts, you'll find it makes all the difference. And it helps make even these occasional pitfalls that much easier to deal with.