wiguy20

Yeah, I do. The thing is that it took me almost two years to find someone like her - as you will read later in this post, I don't go actively searching for girlfriends. I am extremely afraid of rejection and losing what I have. Although, you make an extremely vaild point about her knowing. Maybe I should wait longer to tell her (it's only been 3 months)? I'd have to say both - although usually the guys... See this is the thing I'm most worried about. I could never let any of my close friends/family know about a *relationship* so I'd have to keep it under tight wraps I cannot recall having a "crush" on another guy - I can recall too many to count "crushes" on girls. All throughout high school (after I lost my friend) all my friends were girls. Now that I'm in college and away from my miserable High School existence, I have guy and girl friends - although girls still dominate. All of my attractions to other men are mainly physical ('mainly' meaning I haven't toyed with an emotional attraction because I've blocked that possiblity out). Now that I'm sitting here writing this I'm thinking that maybe the reason I didn't make any close guy friends in high school was because I was afraid to make new guy friends because I wouldn't know what to expect and was afraid it would turn into another rejection situation (rejection was an issue for me in High School) I was devistated becaue I couldn't have gay sex anymore. I didn't get depressed - I moved on and started making friends with girls. I was not jealous of my friend's girlfriend - I had a feeling that day would come. When I had gay sex, it was purly the act itself. I mean we had fun trying differnet things, but nothing was on a sexually intimate level. Maybe this is because we were in 8th grade -- I didn't have a clue about seduction/foreplay. I almost think that for the guys I messed around with it was purely thrill. Trust me, it was a thrill for me too, but I was always the hornier one, the one to initiate. ? I have never kissed a guy. I have kissed girls. So I guess I can't say which I like better. I have never loved a guy before, nor fantasized about spending time and a relationship with one. I have always been very emotionally attracted to females. As far as the snuggling goes, I would prefer a girl, unless the guy was really cute (lol). I usually daydream about both - although when I daydream about guys it's usually about their bodies. Girls it's about having fun or spending time with them. I've had my heart leap for girls before - I've been in a few relationships. I'd also say I have a "Spark" with the girls I've dated. As far as my dating history goes, I have never really looked for a girlfriend - I've always come accross them. It usually starts as us being friends, and then through spending time and hanging out, it grows into more, and then turns into a relationship. So I very much enjoy my relationships with women, and I would like to marry one eventually - I do have fantasies about having sex with women -- just not as often as having sex with men. I'd go so far as to say I'd even like to have a family. I think that you have gotten down to my #1 internal question I am really struggling with: "Am I magnatized to women?" I think you're completely right about "Emotional attraction - the sexual component = A really great friend." (yeah, i know YOU didn't really say it). I think in the relationship that I'm in now I am afraid to let go and have sexual fun with her because of our religion (she was raised religious too) but I think I need to be honest with myself - I don't really care that much about my religion anymore. I think that *maybe* if I let go, I will find that I am really magnetically attracted. I think I need to proceed in what I'm doing with my current relationship. If it bombs down the road, well then I think it would be a good time to explore a relationship with a man. See the thing that makes me wonder if it would work is that I am not attracted to anything with a penis - it seems to only be "hot" guys. And not that I'm putting myself down or anything, but I'm being realistic in saying that given my looks, I would not have a very good chance to be in a relationship with a "Hot" Guy -- this is why I had made the rationalization in my first post that maybe I was attracted to guys mainly because I wanted to have the bodies of the men I fantasized about, and because of my past sexual experiences, it was just a turn on that got me off. That said, my standards for women aren't like they are for men. My girlfriend isn't a model, but I still think she's beautiful. The thing that is bugging me now (especially after some of the advice in all [everyone] of your posts) is the question of what if I find that I *am* emotionally attracted to men, and I just don't know it. Maybe this is the best advice of them all... lol Please, ask away! I really do appreciate all the time and thought everyone has put into your replies.

Sorry this is so dang long... I've been bottled up for too long So basically I've been driven here in search of advice about my sexuality - I feel like I can't talk to anyone I know personally! Here's my background: I was raised Christian - my family are still avid church goers - very anti Homosexuality. Basically the story goes like this: I was a typical horny kid. Up until the 5th grade I thought women and * * * * were pretty spectacular. My first "experiment" happened the summer before 6th grade: I was at my cousins and we were sleeping in the same room and "wished we had girls to mess around with" but that led to mutual pleasure/anal penetration -- this was something totally new and unexpected but also brought much pleasure and curiosity. On my 12th birthday, me and my 2 good friends were having a sleep over and were digging through my parent's bookcase to find anything sexual. One book my mom had rented from the library for me was a book about sexuality. One of the paragraphs in it talked about homosexuality, and how it is normal for young boys to experiment. Well thinking back to the fun me and my cousin had that summer, I talked my friends into messing around - we jerked off and had anal penetration - all in the name of sexual experimentation. Now one of my friends was kind of creeped out by our experimenting - the other one wasn't. All during 6th, 7th, and 8th grade me and my friend messed around maybe once a month or so, getting to the point of oral sex and anal sex. BUT we never kissed, hugged, even THOUGHT about a "gay relationship" -- heck "gay" was still weird... we were just messing around purely physical. Now I later came to realize that we were on two different levels - he was very interested in women, and I just wanted to have fun. We'd usually "initiate" our acts by me suggesting we look at porn (of women, because that's what he preferred) and we'd go from there – I was the domineering one in our little adventures. During my Jr. High years I'd convinced myself that I was gay - I would go on gay chat rooms, and look at gay porn. During my summer visits at my cousins I also had more anal and oral sex with two of my cousins - yeah weird I know (I regret it now) but it was action! One day I had written in my journal that I was gay and liked sex with men... well I kinda left that out in the Family Room where I had spent the night on the couch and my mom picked it up and read it. This resulted in me and my Dad (I was totally oblivious) taking a trip to the nearby Big City and getting a hotel room where we talked about it one night... Because of my upbringing I was COMPLETELY embarrassed and very ashamed that I had been discovered and told my dad (so we could go home) that it was just messing around and that I wasn't really gay. In ninth grade, me and my friend messed around once, but then he told me that he had a girlfriend that he would much rather have sex with. I was devastated - I had lost my only connection to gay sex (I lived in a small town, and wasn't very popular). Now meanwhile in ninth grade I was also starting to become very attracted to girls -- I had a girl friend in 9th and 10th grade and also my senior year of high school. Most all of my friends in high school were girls (don't know how that happened but…). But because I was raised Christian I felt it my moral obligation to not have sex with them or even mess around. However, at night I couldn't help but jerk off to gay porn. I was extremely attracted, aroused, and physically attracted to men. Okay so now we're getting to the dilemma. I'm a sophomore in college now. I have a great girlfriend and a great "heterosexual" lifestyle. Although people in high school made fun of me being gay, I've now proved to the world that I'm not. And I've almost convinced myself too.... except that when I'm with myself, I masturbate and fantasize about gay sex. But as soon as I am done getting off, I feel guilty – I suddenly find the porn dirty and gross and I say "why do I watch this?" As many times as I tell myself "I'm not going to look at gay porn, I'm a straight person," I go back and look at more porn (yes I know how addicting porn can be) I can't figure out if this obsession with gay is really a calling to gayness, bisexuality, or if it's just my insecurities finding an unnatural outlet. These are the two "I'm not really gay rationalizations I've come up with: 1) I've never had sexual experiences with females – My current girlfriend and I agreed about no sex until marriage. However, we do stray from that a bit and are starting to mess around now – but still nothing of any monument yet (hopefully we'll be going below the belt soon!) So, I rationalized that since my first and only sexual experiences have been with guys, that is all I know about and what I feel comfortable about. I consider that once I have sexual experiences with women, most of my homosexual desires will diminish. 2) The only real reason I like gay porn is because I fantasize about having bodies like all the twinks & studs. I can say right now that I am in no way physically fit. I have a growing gut – I am not quite "fat" in the eyes of the public, but in my eyes I am mediocre and not something to be desired. I want to be muscular, with a large penis (Mine is only averaged sized.) One thing I get out of gay porn is my fascination of their bodies. So I rationalized that since I am insecure about my physical appearance I am attracted to men with better appearances that I am, and it's purely physical attraction. I consider that once I finally accomplish #1 (having heterosexual sex) and get over the fact that I'm not a model, that I can overcome my obsession. I really can't come out to anybody about being bi-sexual that I know, and I am afraid of having more gay sexual experiences due to the fact that either my girlfriend will find out, or that I will like it. I am VERY uncertain about my thoughts of having a gay relationship – some days I think I would be willing to try it, other days it doesn't even seem attractive at all. I usually come to the conclusion that I am very satisfied with having a long term relationship with a woman, and having a family. I know this is usually a "deciding factor" but I can't make up my mind! I am afraid because I am not sure that I fully endorse homosexuality. I used to be very religious, but now I am starting to question that too. I haven't been to church seriously in about 2 years, and have kicked religion off to the side for now. The hardest part it's hard to kick the morals and beliefs that have been engrained in my mind the last 20 years off to the side: "Don't have sex until your married" and "Homosexuals go to hell." ****OKAY SO**** In recap: 1) My religious upbringing shuns homosexuality and my parents would probably come close to disowning me (they'd never do that but it would completely destroy the relationship) 2) I am completely confused about my obsessive attraction to men. When I am "really horny" I am so attracted to men I'll want to go out to a chat room and have a hook up that night. After I relieve myself, I feel ashamed and my normal life is pursuing a heterosexual relationship. The real advice I am seeking is if my exploration into Bisexuality is valid, or what the heck my deal is. Am I just obsessing because I am insecure? I also want advice if it is a wise decision for me to explore sex with men – I am hesitant because of my "morality", but also need to get over this hump in my life!. Also has any one had feelings like mine before – did anyone accomplish getting over gay tendencies after having sexual experiences with women? GAH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the advice -Confused in Wisconsin