Prufrock06

Glad to hear that you're getting out of that controlling relationship! In regards to coming out to my parents, it was kind of different for the both of them -- I came out to everyone around me last October (wow, has it been that long? haha I had come home from school for a weekend with the intention of coming out to both of them (my sisters had already known for a few weeks). I remember that even though I didn't have to, I woke up early to see my dad and sisters off to work and school respectively, and I sat down in the living room with my dad (he was doing a bit of work before getting ready to leave for office) and I remember kind of segueing into the conversation by telling him there was something important I needed to get off his chest but I was afraid of how he would react. Then I chickened out and said I would tell him when he came home from work, just to buy myself some extra time. But he kept pestering me (in a very concerned way) about what was so important that I needed to tell him and eventually he asked, "what, are you gay?" and then I said yes. He was shocked, of course, but he said that was okay and that, though he didn't agree with it from a personal point of view, he still loved me and he stresses that his opinion of homosexuality doesn't change the fact that I'm his son and he loves me. I felt kind of bad pinning him down before work, but when I picked him up from the Metro that afternoon we had a nice long talk in the car and he told me that he didn't think about my announcement as much as I probably thought he did. With my mother, who was out of town when I was visiting, it was a little different. She stopped by my college on the way back home and met me for lunch. I did the same kind of, "theres something I need to tell you but it can wait until after lunch" deal and, like my dad, she pestered me into telling her. So I told her at a restaurant while we were waiting for our lunch. My mother is generally depressed (something she is starting to work on, thankfully) and not very good at expressing emotions, talking about her feelings, etc...so when I told her, she did get teary-eyed but, like my dad, said that she loved me and said that it must have been really hard to keep that bottled up all this time. I also remember she said that she always thought there was something different about me...I think, however, that she is slowly coming around in terms of starting to talk with me about it. Apparently she did have a period of crying and mourning for her phantom grandchildren that she won't have from my loins (even though I have two young and, as far as I know, fertile sisters) but then fast-forward to this spring break, when she asked me about my first trip to a gay club with somewhat of a genuine interest. So hanged-man, it might take some time for your parents to adjust to the fact that you're gay (especially if they haven't seen it coming) and yeah, it is pretty freaking scary when you're on the verge of coming out to your parents. As others have suggested, go at your own pace -- make sure its at a time and place of your own choosing and that you've kind of practiced what you want to say in your head. You could also think about writing them a letter, if that's easier for you. It all depends on how well you communicate with your parents. For me, it was just my time to come out (as cliched as that sounds) and I really had no choice but to just get the information out there, reactions be dam*ed. And I guess it worked out pretty well -- my parents and I still have some communication issues about my sexuality (ie. I wish I could confide in them how I feel most of the time), but we still get along the same way we used to, as if there was really nothing different. Perhaps when I bring a boyfriend home and stop being gay in theory and start being gay in practice (haha) this might change -- but we're both in our early twenties and we've earned the right to be our own individual selves, right? Hope this helps! Feel free to PM if you need anything!

Grandaddy...I've only heard their one song, "A.M. 180" from the "28 Days Later" soundtrack and it's amazing! I'll have to check out some of their other stuff -- thanks for the link!

I never told the guy that I liked him -- he knows I'm gay but not that I had (and to some extent still have) a crush on him. I was never sure if this was something appropriate to bring up with him, given that he says he's straight (there's been some debate as to his sexuality among some of my friends who know him, and perhaps me as well, but I give him the benefit of the doubt). Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I told him I had a mild crush on him, but what's the point, right? But we're good friends and we do stuff all the time and I don't really get upset about my unrequited crush anymore -- though there was a time just after we'd met that it tore me apart inside that I couldn't be with him in that way. But for the most part, I'm over him in that sense. But it's not like my sexuality is off topic in our conversations -- for example, I told him over dinner about my adventures at my first gay club and he was really happy for me that I had a good time. Then again, we have other things to talk about than just my sexuality, so it's not like the friendship revolves just around my liking him versus his not liking me, if that makes sense. We're just good friends and my crush on him is something that, with practice, I've learned to put away and only take out when I'm feeling sappy and daydreamy and romantic.

accross the Universe -- as covered by Fiona Apple In My Life/Here Comes the Sun -- The Beatles 1979 -- The Smashing Pumpkins Blueberry Hill -- Fats Domino Destiny/In the Waiting Line -- Zero 7 Josephine/Purple People -- Tori Amos In This World -- Moby Everything in its Right Place/Paranoid Android -- Radiohead Soul Meets Body -- Death Cab for Cutie Shiver -- Coldplay Waikiki -- Ladies K Yellow Ledbetter -- Pearl Jam Moonlight Sonata/Pathetique Sonata -- Beethoven ...this is just after a cursory glance through some of the songs on my iPod. I'm sure there's plenty more but these are some of the ones that stand out in my mind.

First date ideas in London? I've never been to London but I imagine there would be plenty of things to do. I always thought that the best idea for a first date would be something casual at a place that allows for a lot of conversation, like a walk through a museum or (if the weather's nice) a zoo. Are there any exhibits or special events in your area that are relatively new and worth checking out; that might be a good option. This could be followed by lunch or dinner (depending on the time of day). The key, whatever you do, is make sure that it allows for plenty of time to get to know each other, to communicate and see how you interract together. I would strongly advise against going to a movie on your first date, if only because that kind of social setting (where you have to be quiet and watch the movie screen) doesn't allow time for you to get to know one another. Of course, watching a movie at home might be a different story -- but I guess I feel it would be best to go out and do something on a first date. Wherever you decide to go, I hope your date goes well!

omgroman, Thanks for the update! Your post reminded me of when I came out to this one guy I had a deep crush on and I was so terrified that he would never talk to me again. We would always see each other at the gym and so after he found out I was gay (I added him as a facebook friend and my orientation is listed on there) I remember being on one of the cardio machines waiting and waiting for him to show up and worried that he would walk right past me or ignore me or whatever. But sure enough, when he arrived he came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and we started talking and we've been good friends ever since! So I'm glad to hear that you and your crush are still friends despite your worries that he would avoid you. I say the best thing to do is just keep holding conversations with him, see if you can continue to build on a friendship. He already knows that you like him, so it seems like the next move is up to him as to whether he responds in the way you're hoping he will. At the very least, it doesn't seem like he's particularly upset, seeing as how he still talks to you. Sounds like it's going well -- good luck!

Maybe another suggestion along the lines of an email would be to sit down and write a letter to each of them, or at least a generic coming out letter personalized in little ways to each of them? I guess, me being a writer, I see the benefits of writing as being able to plan out everything you want to say and not worrying about forgetting to say something, explain something, etc. Of course, I never came out to anyone in written form, but I have entertained writing a letter to my aunt and uncle and maternal grandparents (the four people in my family who don't know about my sexuality....the "Final Four" you could say ha ha ha...) So if you're into writing, it's certainly as valid a way of coming out to your friends as anything else, although on the downside it does lack a kind of immediacy that one-on-one conversation provides. I feel like something to keep in mind when you come out (and I'm SO EXCITED that you're finally getting ready to come out to your friends! is to make it as low-key as possible. I guess the one thing I hated about coming out to people in the beginning was that I didn't want to make it a spectacle, I didn't want it to be this big event but just an important piece of information that I hadn't yet shared with my friends and family. Of course, your friends might be shocked, and that's only a natural reaction -- but as long as you kind of maintain control of the situation by treating your sexuality as not a big deal at all (which all of us here seem to know to be true), I think it will help get rid of the potential tension on both sides of the conversation. I hope you find all the strength and courage you need to get through this, ThaKid. Although it seems like you already have most of it! Good luck and let us know how things turn out! P.S. Perhaps we should arrange for the first annual eNotAlone GLBT forum conference? I'm thinking somewhere sunny.

Hey Jinx, Thanks for giving up an update on the home life situation! I'm so happy to hear that your family, for better or worse, knows about your sexuality! And I'm glad that your mother seems "as supportive as she can" -- my parents are the same way and though it can be frustrating that my parents and your mother still have to work their way around their frustrating beliefs, it's so much of a relief that at least they know, so that kind of emotional burden is lifted off your back somewhat. As for your one sister who wasn't so receptive to the news, I'm so sorry that you had to hear such nasty, hateful words from a member of your family... No one should ever have to hear those kinds of words PERIOD, much less from a sibling. At the same time, there's really not much you can do in the way of people's reactions once you come out to them: they either accept you and respect you (as your aunt, mother and other sister have done), they are indifferent to you (as you fear your close friend may be), or they outright freak out about it (as this particular sister seems to have done). The only thing you can do is give her time to maybe come around or let the idea sink in that her sister is a lesbian. There's really nothing you can do as far as that issue goes and so it does no real concrete good to worry about it other than on an immediate level. The proverbial ball is in her court and it's up to her to make the next move. I just hope that it's a more reasonable one than her immediate reaction... Wow, I had this same kind of problem with some of my friends. Because I'm a natural joker and I can be sarcastic at times, a lot of them thought it was a joke or had a hard time believing me when I came out to them or tried to because they weren't taking me seriously, which is a boy-who-cried-wolf kind of situation, when you think about it. Anyway, despite the negative context, it made me smile to see that we have that issue in common On the contrary, I think the years of friendship you have under your belt would work to your advantage when disclosing such personal, honest information as your sexuality. She's obviously your close, good friend for a reason, right? So think about the reasons why you think she's such a good friend, why you enjoy her company despite these mild frustrations about wanting to come out to her so bad -- surely she has many positive characteristics that would work in your advantage when it comes to coming out to her, right? I feel like if you couch your public acknolwdgement of your sexuality to her in terms of feeling bad for lying to her for so long (as I prefaced most of my coming out statements to my close friends), it adds a kind of dimension that you recognize what the other person might be feeling after hearing such news (ie. that they were friends with someone who wasn't completely honest, etc.). Maybe another thing to mention (and something that I to did to my friends) is that you're still the same old Jinxy-Jinx you always were around her and that you want your friendship to continue to grow and reach this 10-plus year mark and the only way to do that is because you respect her and your friendship and you want to be completely honest with her from now on. Given the negative reaction of your one sister, I can imagine how terrified you must be about coming out to such a good friend who is an important part of your life -- but in the end, the only other option is continuing to go along with this "masquerade" as you put it so well. And you definitely don't want to do that, it seems. If both paths are going to be frustrating or fraught with worry, it would only make sense to pick the one that would be less troubling for you, right? In which case, that path would be staying true to yourself and honoring your friendship with this person by coming out to her. You can do it, Jinx! You're in my thoughts -- and continue to keep us posted!

Sounds like you had an eventful weekend; sorry to hear that it's causing you such grief. Your state of confusion is clearly understandable and as far as immediate decisions go, I think you've made a wise move in agreeing that you aren't going to crash at each other's houses anymore, especially considering that these confusing episodes would probably only continue if you kept doing that. But hey, given all the turmoil and frustration from the past weekend, you can also look at some of it in a positive light as well. In the sense that you got to make out with a guy you found attractive and who was attracted to you -- certainly a self-esteem validator if I ever heard of one. Maybe this particular suggestion is a little naive on my part, considering that making out and heavy petting is a luxury I have yet to enjoy ( ) but I guess I'm just trying to point out to you that your weekend wasn't a total loss, all things considered... As to whether you should completely cut ties with him, only you can tell. From what you've written in your posts, I don't see how continuing to talk with him on the phone or being acquaintances at school could really hurt, especially considering that he seems to gravitate towards you when it comes to the inner turmoil he has over his sexuality. It depends as well as to whether you can get over your physical attraction to him, if you see it as the source of a lot of your confusion -- I know from personal experience that it is possible, although it can be a bit tough. With my straight crush from late last year -- who has now become one of my very good friends at school -- I went through these same issues that you seem to be dealing with now. The big question for me was, can I remain friends with this guy despite my physical and emotional attraction to him? The eventual answer was yes and, even though there are occasional emotional blips on my behalf, my attraction to him is something that I rarely think about when we are together (though this lack of thought shouldn't be confused with not liking him anymore, haha So if this is something you think you can do (and I have no doubts about your personal inner strengths), then I say continue to be friends with him, but always with the events of this past weekend in mind as a reminder of the confusion and issues that might come up were the situation to go farther than friendship. It seems to me like this guy has a lot of issues he needs to get through, and he could probably use all the emotional and friendly support he can get. In response to your actual question, I'm not sure if I have a better answer than what I've just written. In my own personal case, it seems like my issue is how to remain friends with people who are sexually attracted to me, but in which I don't necessarily reciprocate the attraction. Is it fair to say that sexual attraction is easier to get over than emotional attraction? I honestly don't know the answer to that question but figured it was worth asking given the context of your concerns. I guess I feel like it's something you CAN get over but, like I said, it just takes a lot of willpower to do so (ironically enough, probably the same kind of "willpower" your friend seems to want to keep him from admitting his homosexuality to himself). I'd say your best bet is to wait and see where things go the next time you talk on the phone or the next time you see each other around campus.

Hello everyone, Though I know this board is for original poetry, I wanted to post a poem that really means a lot to me (so much, in fact, that my enotalone screenname owes itself to it). The poem is called "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and it's by T.S. Eliot. I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to print this poem in its entirety on the message boards, but I figured that since you can find the poem anywhere on the Internet, it's no big deal. If it is, apologies in advance for the problem. Anyway, the long and short of it is that I always loved this poem for the way it seemed to capture my feelings about being shy, about being gay, about being afraid to engage in the world and to do the things I want to do with my life. These are feelings I've dealt with for most of my adolescent and early adult life and I'm only now dealing with these emotions in a responsible way -- which makes this poem much more bittersweet to me because it illustrates how I've felt for so long and, occasionally, still feel from time to time. I wasn't sure whether to post this in the GLBT forum or the Dating and Shyness forum (both of which I frequent, though haven't posted in the latter) then figured this would be the best place for it since it applies to shyness in general. I've bolded the passages I find particularly affecting and representative of what it's like to be timid in engaging the world -- aside from that, it's just a dang good poem too! So without further ado, here it is: "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T. S. Eliot from Prufrock and Other Observations (1917) Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherized upon a table; Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, The muttering retreats Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question... Oh, do not ask, "What is it?'' Let us go and make our visit. In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo. The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening. Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains. Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys. Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, And seeing that it was a soft October night, Curled once about the house, and fell asleep. And indeed there will be time For the yellow smoke that slides along the street, Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; There will be time, there will be time To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; There will be time to murder and create, And time for all the works and days of hands That lift and drop a question on your plate; Time for you and time for me. And time yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions, Before the taking of a toast and tea. In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo. And indeed there will be time To wonder, "Do I dare?'' and, "Do I dare?'' Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair-- [They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!''] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin-- [They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!''] Do I dare Disturb the universe? In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. For I have known them all already, known them all: Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; I know the voices dying with a dying fall Beneath the music from a farther room. So how should I presume? And I have known the eyes already, known them all-- The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? And how should I presume? And I have known the arms already, known them all-- Arms that are braceleted and white and bare [but in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!] Is it perfume from a dress That makes me so digress? Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl. And should I then presume? And how should I begin? . . . . . Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? . . . I should have been a pair of ragged claws Scuttling accross the floors of silent seas. . . . . . And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! Smoothed by long fingers, Asleep. . . tired . . . or it malingers, Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me. Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter, I am no prophet--and here's no great matter; I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid. And would it have been worth it, after all, After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, Would it have been worth while, To have bitten off the matter with a smile, To have squeezed the universe into a ball To roll it toward some overwhelming question, To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead, Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all''-- If one, settling a pillow by her head, Should say: "That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all.'' And would it have been worth it, after all, Would it have been worth while, After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor-- And this, and so much more?-- It is impossible to say just what I mean! But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: Would it have been worth while If one, settling a pillow, or throwing off a shawl, And turning toward the window, should say: ``That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all.'' . . . . . No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two, Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, Deferential, glad to be of use, Politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-- Almost, at times, the Fool. I grow old . . . I grow old . . . I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me. I have seen them riding seaward on the waves Combing the white hair of the waves blown back When the wind blows the water white and black. We have lingered in the chambers of the sea By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

[Longingly sighs and gets all warm and fuzzy and romantically sappy inside] Despite your present distance, I'm so happy to read that things are going well for you, Tigris! Congratulations!! Wishing you all the best!

I feel like the issue here is about whether two guys can get involved in a serious relationship if one or the other isn't out to himself, let alone to others. Granted, this can put a lot of pressure on a relationship, especially if one is trying to keep the relationship a secret as a means of keeping up appearances within the straight community. And I don't think it's unfair for someone to not want to get involved in a relationship with someone who's struggling with his sexuality -- of course, it would be a completely different thing if FoxLocke was trying to avoid him overall, but I don't think that's the case. It seems to me from the previous posts in this thread that FoxLocke is more than willing to remain friends with this guy and to provide any emotional support needed as this guy goes through what is obviously a difficult transition. I don't think there's anything wrong, however, with not wanting to get emotionally and physically involved with someone who's in the middle of this kind of crisis because, like it or not, there is always the risk of becoming someone's "experiment" which isn't fair to the other member of the relationship. And I guess you could make an exception for this guy were he comfortable with himself but not necessarily out to the majority of his friends or family -- but the root issue here is that this guy still has conflicts with himself, and not just with how the outside world would perceive his sexuality. I feel like there's a difference between a gay guy who's out to himself but not to others and a gay guy who's not even out to himself and still seems in turmoil like this guy does (at least, as FoxLocke describes him). All due respect, but this is ridiculous -- why are sexual roles so important when they aren't even in a relationship together? Maybe I'm biased because I don't look at gay sex as a matter of roles (ie. top and bottom, male or female, etc.) -- for me, just because I want to be the top one day doesn't mean that's some kind of assigned role that I have to follow through on for the rest of the relationship. I guess for me, the sexual dynamics of a gay relationship don't have to be categorized into roles or positions. I guess my motto would be "Versatility Now!" LOL I don't think the issue here has anything to do with rape fears or fears of being wanted, but instead FoxLocke standing firm on what he thinks of as a more traditional way of approaching relationships -- ie. it's better to get to know someone as a friend without constantly having to dig through this fog of sex that, from previous posts, seems to be the predominant issue on this guy's mind. You're right in that they can hang out without it being sexual and I think this is what FoxLocke is concerned about and exactly what he wants. But ultimately, if he doesn't like the way this guy approaches these issues, if he now is less than thrilled about this guy, then that's FoxLocke's business and there's nothing wrong with him changing his mind about a guy he likes. Almost everyone does it all the time -- otherwise we would all get sucked into these relationships we didn't want to be in simply because we thought that once we made a decision to like someone or not, we had to stick with that for the rest of our lives. People fall out of interest with other people everyday and it's OK -- it's not like he's leaving this guy in the dirt, alone with his problems. He's just not interested any longer in pursuing a relationship at this point. Apologies in advance if I've misinterpreted either of your thoughts and views. I'm just basing this on what's been posted and how I've followed this particular thread.

First off, congratulations on being able to come out to your new friend! I think that's so great and brave of you and I'm glad that it went better than you expected! Now onto your question about the weekend: The best way in which to say "I'm not going to have sex with you..." without saying it outright or in any kind of rude manner would be that, if it seems that weekend that sex is on his agenda and if you're not comfortable with having sex with someone still in the closet, perhaps you can just gently tell him that you're not interested in pursuing anything serious at the moment, and that you take sex and intimacy pretty seriously and don't just randomly hook up or casually have sex (which I assume is your policy from the posts I've read?). I mean, technically, you'd be right in saying that because you don't want to pursue anything serious with someone who is still conflicted about their sexuality, right? So it's not like you would be lying, despite your attraction to him. If he takes it bad, then there's nothing you can really do about it, considering that you would have handled the issue in a gentle, polite manner -- at the same time, you might want to suggest that you're always open to listening to him if he has problems about his sexuality or being a shoulder for him to lean on when things get too conflicting and he needs a friend to talk and confide in, etc. etc. That way you're not just giving him the "I don't wanna sleep with you" cold shoulder but are couching your desire not to be intimate with someone still closeted in a way that shows you're still willing to be good friends.

Hanged Man, This nugget right here says all I need to know: you need to get out of this destructive (and self-destructive) relationship FAST! If you feel like you hate him, you don't want to sleep with him, you want to hang around your friends but can't because of him, then clearly your situation is not something that's going to be worth living in for much longer. So I'm in line with the others in suggesting that you need to find a way to move out of the situation (literally and figuratively) as soon as possible, if only for your own sense of well-being. At the same time, I think a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend is in order, just so that he understands why you want out of the relationship. I can sympathize with the "nice guy syndrome" as I used to be like that myself. But from someone who manages to get outside of that trap every now and then, let me tell you that it's important to realize that if you don't want to be in the relationship, then you don't have to be in the relationship. You're not breaking any moral or ethical compact by breaking up if you find the relationship to be unhealthy (which, from your post, it strikes me as being). Hope this helps!

OMG, Thakid! I've done this whole fake-dialing, invented girlfriend thing myself. It's nice to know that I wasn't the only one who felt like he had to resort to such desperate measures in order to convince others that he had a girlfriend! Don't be embarrassed -- most of us have done this at some point or another, gay or straight! Ditto. And the fact that you used the word "tiring" to describe it is so dead-on as to what I would feel like when watching porn with friends! Hmm...I'm wondering if it wouldn't be possible for you to just explain to your friends that these kinds of parties aren't really you're thing? I mean, I don't see the harm in that and sure, there might be some potential for them to think ill of you, but it would take much of the "heat" off your sexuality if that's something you're trying to avoid talking about with them at this point. I can only imagine how socially trapped you must feel but when you think about this idea of being "trapped in a corner", you'll realize that there are really only two options for you: conform to what they want or fight back (not literally, but more in the sense of putting your foot down and telling them this kind of party isn't your thing). I know you've got the strength to put your foot down and tell them what you feel about these silly parties because you write this: For relaxed, homebody type guys like you and I (and I would imagine some others on these boards as well), it's really difficult to deal with this kind of social pressure. At least, I know I was never really good at facing down peer pressure so instead I would resort to methods like you did: making "fake" phonecalls or coming up with elaborate lies and scenarios as to someplace else I had to be in order to get me out of an uncomfortable social situation. I feel like all you have to say to these "friends" is that you're not into sex parties and stuff. That's it -- you don't have to mention your sexuality in the explanation because that's all you need to say. If you don't like doing something, you don't like it and you shouldn't have to justify your feelings and emotions for the sake of people who think a good time is having a porn movie marathon. I understand that you still want to keep these people as friends (or at least, it seems that way from your post), but at the same time, it's a two-way street -- if you are going to be friends with them, you should be able to say you don't want to do something and not have to worry about all these social reprecussions. But you've also got time on your side -- a month to kind of think things over, consult with others and see how you should handle the situation. I have no doubt you'll end up doing the right thing, Thakid! You've got outstanding character and you'll figure it out!

Having had the pleasure of reading through your various posts about coming out to your mother, I'm happy to read that you're mother is a lot more willing to discuss the issue than you thought at first -- and that it seems that a dialogue is going to be opening up between the two of you soon that will make you feel comfortable enough to finally be honest with her! No need to rush it though -- the fact that you're making these steps (and that you recognize them) is so great! And yeah, I echo everyone else in this thread in that a) your mom will be more than accepting of you, it seems and b) she probably has more than an inkling about your sexuality. But again, go at whatever pace you feel more comfortable with! Coming out isn't a race

Hey FoxLocke, I think for a first time, it might just be better to cave in and drive the miles to pick him up. Though I and the other regulars on this board know you're not that type of person just looking for a hookup, perhaps your friend might not think so. It might also save you some trauma from feeling like you're sending out the wrong signals to him. Is there a way you could drive to see him early on the weekend morning and spend the entire day doing things around his area, or is there not much to do where he lives? I'm just thinking, that way it would save you having to make two extra trips driving him back from your place and then back from his place to your place. I mean, I don't really see the dilemma with him staying the night at your place, especially considering that you've already established that you have multiple guest rooms. But it would be important not to send him mixed signals, or give him an opportunity to misinterpret what you're putting accross as just genuine generosity. If this is the first time you two have really been together for an extended period outside of the college atmosphere, then I guess my advice would be to keep it as general and uninterpretable as possible. In answer to your question about how to approach telling him about your sexuality, if you guys end up having lunch somewhere or going to get coffee (not sure what you two like to do or if you even have anything planned at this stage), then some quiet, contemplative lull in the conversation would be a great place to bring it up. Maybe you could start off by saying something like, "Look, I really enjoy hanging out with you and I'd like to think we could be really good friends, but I do need to be completely honest with you about something and I didn't want to get too far into our friendship without me being totally honest with you because I respect you as a friend..." or something like that. Good luck!

Yes, I'm going to get married. Even if it's not officially recognized by the government, I'm still going to wear a wedding band and refer to my spouse as my husband and not my life partner. I'd like to have a kid or two down the road and I've resigned myself to not caring so much about the fact that my children probably won't be biologically mine. There are so many kids already in the world who need good homes and loving families (regardless of gender) and being a parent or a child is so much more than the fact of having a similar genetic code.

Kidd, Jinx, FoxLocke, I'm in one of my vulnerable little funks and it was so nice to read through each of your responses to know that I'm not alone (okay, eNotAlone pun notwithstanding, haha), that all these fears and concerns I have aren't just delusions in my own mind but are something that others have in common as well. Kid: I really identified with your ideas on being alone versus being surrounded by a crowd of people who can't identify with you. It's kind of frustrating that, even though I'm relatively out to everyone, I still feel these same pangs of isolation from my other straight friends, who go on and on about their relationships and issues while I sit there and listen like a dutiful friend, all the while wishing that I could tell them my concerns and that they could identify with them 100 percent like people on this board do, instead of just trying to console me with that tone that implies they really have no idea how to handle what I'm feeling. It's intersting your kind of back and forthing between wanting a boyfriend and not wanting one -- I too feel the same way a lot. It's like I want one and I daydream about being in a relationship, yet at the same time given the transitional period of my life (graduating, looking for a job, moving out, etc. etc.) I wonder whether, despite my deep desires, whether I could even give a boyfriend all the affection and attention I would want to give him. Jinx -- you talked about looking around and wishing to be in happy relationships like others around you; I can really identify with this feeling, especially when I was out on the gay scene the other night and so many guys seemed to be in love with one another (as to whether they actually were, who knows, but just the sight of it was enough to make me stop and think, haha). Your pain in dealing with stereotypes is something I can totally sympathize with (and stereotypes were indeed out in force when I went out, though there were some pleasant, unstereotypical surprises as well) and it's so frustrating because it makes you want to pander to these stereotypes sometimes because you feel it's the only way you can fit in, the only way you can find a boyfriend or girlfriend. And yet at the same time, you'd essentially be giving up on yourself, or denying a part of your personality in an effort to achieve some kind of happy ideal -- which probably isn't the wisest thing for us monogamists to do. FoxLocke -- What struck me about your post was, again, this lack of ability to communicate with others around you on a completely genuine and honest level. Though I'm out to my parents, they still aren't comfortable talking about being gay with me, which pains me when I want to tell them how I feel and so instead I just kind of bottle up these worries, these desires, these opinions on who is attractive or who I have a crush on or who I pine for, etc. etc. Though I can't really identify with your personal religious issues involved in your sexuality (as that was never really a defining crisis for me), it's so easy to admire your personal strength in terms of the overall process of what each of us are doing for ourselves, regardless of the relative stages of being out that we're each involved in. Wow. These were really introspective posts that were a pleasure for this "late bloomer" to read. I kind of feel better already! So yeah, while I do feel isolated sometimes, it's nice to come here and discover once again that I'm really not as isolated as I seem to be. Cyberhugs all around

Couldn't agree more. And it seems from your latest post, FoxLocke, that you're kind of eager to tell him in the sense that everything seems to be coming to some kind of crossroads with this plan for him to stay over for a couple of days. So try and tell him before he ends up coming over (I know it's hard, buddy, but you can do it! and then if he still agrees to come over, then you're golden. Just think of how awkward it might be were something to happen and either of you not knowing what the deal is, especially with him not knowing your sexuality. If he knows about it beforehand, though, then it seems to me like any subsequent interest he shows means that UT's right: you've got a boyfriend

Thanks for the encouraging words! So I ended up taking a trip out to a gay bar and a gay club last night. To make a long story short, I live near the D.C. area and so it's really easy for me to travel into the city. So I went with a friend of mine from college to Dupont Circle (the "gay district" of town) and we went to this gay bar first to meet up with a couple friends of his (who graduated from the same college that we attend now). Given that it was a Tuesday night, the atmosphere was probably a little less crowded than I imagine it being on the weekend. It was an interesting experience -- I essentially just got a drink and went up to the second floor with my friend where his friends were and we sat around and talked for an hour or so. In all honesty, it was really much like any other bar except all the people there were curiously gay I didn't really walk around or try and talk to anyone I didn't know; rather, I just hung around my friend and his friends and kind of soaked up the environment -- in a funny way, yesterday evening was 1 part fun and 1 part reconissance mission, haha. Afterwards we went to a small club down the street, where they were having a Retro Night that consisted of 70s and 80s music. The way the club was set up was that on the ground floor is a nice classy little bar and lounge area and on the second floor is another bar and a (somewhat small) dance floor. So I danced with my friend for a while -- we actually freak danced at one point and I wonder if maybe he interpreted that as something more than what I thought of as just dancing (keep in mind, I'd never really danced before but was surprised to find it come naturally, in a sense) -- but all the time I had my eyes on everything around me (namely, all the guys, LOL!). The environment was a little overhwelming, but not so much that I couldn't enjoy myself. And so later at the bar, a guy introduces himself to me and we start talking, the three of us, only to find out he lives about 10 minutes away from me. So we made plans to get together and I'm actually going to meet him for coffee later this evening. The evening ended around two and my friend and I parted ways with our new acquaintance and went back. So that's the essential narrative of my trip. As for my reactions: I actually quite enjoyed the gay bar environment -- it was surprisingly much more low key than I would have imagined, the kind of place where you can go with some friends and just have a drink and talk quietly or shoot pool. I enjoyed it much more so than the club, although I didn't find the dance floor and all the guys too intimidating, haha. Of course, there were some stereotypes abounding, but that is to be expected -- then again, there was a whole range of guys there, from your standard A&F models to more average guys like myself. There were even some (gasp!) girls there as well! Haha Most of the crowd was around my age, early to mid twenties, which was nice. At the same time, I don't think I could do this on a weekly basis and don't think I could go without the company of friends. I've made plans to go out again tomorrow, this time with a larger group of friends from college -- but I can't conceive of myself going right now by myself. In a way, I viewed it more as a social experience instead of a place to meet guys -- and I'm still hesitant about making this kind of environment my primary social scene. It would be a nice place to take a date but I can still think of so many better, less cliche places to go and have fun. That being said, I did enjoy myself and aside from some minor conflict (I worry that my "mentor" is annoyed with me because he really seemed to like me but I wasn't reciprocating his feelings because a) I think of him more as a friend and b) I was so absorbed by the entire atmosphere to even pay attention to him other than as a dance partner and friend) am looking forward to going again. But yeah, that was my experience in a nutshell. Essentially, I liked the experience but would still much rather stick with social groups or Internet dating to find worthwhile guys -- and in a way, my positive experience at the club and meeting new people has helped to make me more confident about engaging in social situations with guys I'm kind of shy around. I hope this rambling post made some kind of coherent sense. If anyone's got some specific questions, I'd be more than glad to try and answer them as best I can, from one club novice to another

Facebook: check. MySpace: check. If anyone here needs a new buddy for either one, PM me and we can become cozy internet community neighbors In regards to your dilemma, Thakid, I would take Jinx's advice: a casual little message works best as far as Facebook is concerned. I would forgo posting a bulleting because often times that can get lost in the rest of everyone else's posts. So yeah, just a short private message to check up on him, ask him how things are going at college -- if he responds back, then try and get a slow dialogue going. Good luck! You can do it!!!

You ask some really interesting questions, UT. Ones I've thought about a lot. Perhaps I'm not the best person to answer this, considering I can only speak from the male point of view, but it seems to me that, as others have mentioned, a lot of it has to do with comfort around men who aren't perceived as interested in any kind of sexual activity. Though I'm certain there are plenty of straight men out there who are just as capable of having platonic relationships with other women, it seems like women think this is more of a certainty in socializing with gay men, perhaps? Maybe as a way of getting that male perspective or having male company without any of the sexual issues that come along with having straight male company? I wholeheartedly support your complaint in this regard, UT! I also hate others perceiving me as a) some kind of party animal and b) a " * * * *" who's only interested in dancing/making out/sleeping with as many random men as possible, when in all honesty this couldn't be farther from the truth of who I am or what I want out of a relationship. Even if your boyfriend doesn't live near you, if he's who you want to hang out with instead of having to escort your friends to a particular club or party, then that's what you should do! If you'd rather spend time with him than in a group of others who just want you for your non-threatening company, then go for it! [The Jeopardy game show theme plays softly in the background] But seriously, I'm all for monogamy and I'm terrified that no one else is, that I'm going to have to eventually conform myself to a lifestyle that I don't really want to live in order to find someone to be with. I was at a gay club for the first time last night and, while I had fun and enjoyed myself, I really began to dwell on issues of homosexual monogamy. And the frustrating thing is that there are gay men and lesbians out there who wholeheartedly support the idea of monogamy, who are just looking for one honest relationship...only problem is, they either seem to live far from me or they're already taken, haha. And on the heels of this, here's a question my sister and I were talking about in the car a few hours ago: Why does it seem difficult for gay men to be friends without there being this kind of unspoken pressure to date? In essense, is it possible for two gay men to be friends without there ever having to be any kind of sexual tension? The reason I pose this question is because I've recently had a couple friends tell me they like me "in that way", and yet I feel bad that I don't necessarily reciprocate their feelings because I only see them as friends and would rather have a solid groundwork of good gay friends instead of just dating guys left and right. Does that make sense?

He said this to you?!?! Okay, I have no doubt in my mind now that your "sexually repressed bible banging crush" is gay and is reciprocating the same feelings you have for him. LOL! Yet this guy continues to puzzle me because someone of his fundamentalist beliefs shouldn't be acting in such a manner, right? Wouldn't we expect someone like this to be so repressed as to be nervous around you, as to not want to call you or (again, I'm still shocked by his use of this word) suggest a "sleepover"...So I wonder if maybe this is some kind of muted "cry for help", some way for him to suggest to you subconsciously that he wants to discuss these issues with you but doesn't know how to broach the subject? Then again, he might also be wanting to experiment with you as a way of attempting to purge himself of these feelings he sees as troublesome; ie. if he can say that he fooled around with another guy, he can convince himself that he doesn't like it and that it's not the "right" thing to do. Don't want to rain on your proverbial parade, but it's something to consider and you're such a nice guy that this emotional toying doesn't deserve to happen to someone like you, who's so confident with himself about his sexuality. I say arrange to do something with him this weekend and confront him about it. Easier said than done, yes...but just think of how much clarity it will bring to this confusing situation, regardless of how it turns out! Hope these $0.02 helped.

Though I can understand this kind of pressure to live up to your parents expectations, and can imagine how frustrating it must be both for your father (who hasn't reconciled himself to the fact that his daughter is an independent woman and not a cardboard cutout made in his image) and more importantly for you (who is still trying to find that balance, it seems, between pleasing one's parents and pleasing one's self) -- I think you are doing the right thing by staying true to yourself despite the inter-familial conflict that seems to arise every now and then. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have come out or should have accepted my sexuality, given the lack of discussion my family has about it; indeed, I would say their silence about talking with me about it is an outright sign that, contrary to the fact that they still treat me the same way, they are not really behind me 100 percent. And yet at the same time I tell myself that I'm 23 years old, I've never gotten into serious trouble and have always been a good son -- in effect, I've entitled myself to enjoy my life, to embrace my sexuality. As far as I see it, if my family is not willing to embrace it as well, then that is something they are going to have to deal with on their own time. I suspect that the same might be true for you, Jinx? From the numerous posts of yours that I've read, you strike me as someone responsible and mature and certainly worthy enough to live life on her own terms, and not struggle to fit into this impossibly-tight mold that her father has set up for her. Our parents may have dreams for us, but it's really not fair on our part for them to expect us to sacrifice our own desires and well-beings in order to please them, especially as we begin to come into our own. Shouldn't our parents just be happy that their children are trying to make their own, UNIQUE way in the world? Anyway, your post really hit home with me. And your optimism and continued positive outlook on the situation despite all this is something I certainly wish were contagious over the Internet.