PartlySunny

Believe me, I'm in no hurry at all. I feel like I don't even want to date anyone this year at all.. rather take time and focus on overhauling my life. But - we were really in love, he was madly in love with me, wanted to marry me.. then after a series of fights, we didnt contact each other, and next thing I know, he calls me a month later.. and mentions that he has a new girlfriend for 2 weeks already!!! We haven't talked since that phone call (6 weeks ago - I hung up on him).. and he comes into my job 1x a week and totally ignores me (so of course I ignore him too). I just find it outrageous that he can get involved again so quick, and completely ignore me, meanwhile, not a day has gone by in 3 months where I haven't cried at least once. How is this possible? Did being with someone new so fast make him completely forget me and not have feelings for me, not have any pain or miss me at all?

Ice, In a nutshell, you basically have to stop looking to her to fix this breech. She is having a totally natural reaction to the ways you have behaved. You can't just "talk her into" feeling better about the relationship. You are going to have to put your money where your mouth is, and SHOW her, NOT TELL her, that she should trust you in this relationship again. How do you do that? By proving yourself trustworthy enough to handle yourself better. By showing her that how she feels NOW is important to you and that you respect and honor where she's at, even if you don't like it. By treating her with respect and figuring out how to handle the verbal abusivenesss (regardless of the fact that it hasn't happened often), and if you can't handle it, agreeing to get professional help. It's not something that can be done in days. It will likely take months. Not easy, but that's how it goes. I guess it depends on how much you love her whether or not you are willing to do it. Believe me. This is coming straight from the horses mouth. I was in a verbally abusive relationship. No, he didn't do it constantly - far from it. But it destroyed my trust in him, especially that all he cared about was how HE felt when I had the natural reaction of protecting my heart. Because, when someone hurts you, it's the right thing to do: protect your heart. Until that person proves worthy of your trust again. It would be naive and foolish NOT to. You may not like my answer, but I know from experience what it's going to take, as I have been in her place. Accept how she feels. Live with it. Love her through it, whether she needs space, or whatever. Just say, "OK. Whatever you need honey, I'll be here." Stop thinking about yourself, and think about her instead. Best of luck to you.

I'm curious about this - because I've never had this experience myself.. but, after you go through a bad breakup with someone you were very deeply committed to and in love with, does it actually help the pain of it to get involved with someone else fairly quickly, even if the "rebound" one is not a serious thing? I've had 2 great loves, and both times, I spent a lot of time without another relationship afterwards. I also went through an enormous amount of pain and it took so long to recover. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea or a healthy thing to get involved again quickly (like, within weeks), but for those of you who have done it, did it help? Did it help you get over the person and no longer miss or care about them?

My ex-b/f and I were together for nearly 2 years. We were both deeply in love with each other, he often told me how much more I meant to him than anyone else ever before. He planned to marry me. I know he was madly in love with me (well, or so I thought). We started having serious problems in the summer, with a lot of hurt on both sides.. we'd fight and then not talk for weeks. Then, I didn't hear from him for a month. Finally he called several days in a row, and I asked him if he had a new g/f - he said yes. I have been crying over him every day, missing him so much; I just can't seem to believe that if he loved me as much as he appeared to, that he could just so easily forget about me and get with someone else right away. I know that there are a lot of people who get into new relationships very fast.. does that mean they weren't really in love with the one they left behind? I feel like if he really was hurting as much as me, that he wouldn't have just left like this!!! Please help, I really need opinions from people who have done this - gotten into new relationships right away - does it make the pain go away, or make it easier? I myself can't even THINK of being with someone else.. my heart is too full of him!

Code Blue Always springing forth This smattering of tears Afraid to face the hours And weeks and months and years Echoing so empty Without the sound of you No colors in my world - My rainbow's gone code blue

Awesome!!! I love it - would make a great song.

I don't think either one of you meant any harm here. But I can understand why Jason may have felt so frustrated. Because, he IS getting help. He is doing tons of work. He knows he was the problem. He knows he hurt her. Yes, of course he cares for her and thereforeeee he IS working through those issues. What I'm trying to say is, that he is doing everything he possibly can to get to a better place, and it's hard doing that, and it's frustrating when people don't recognize how hard you are trying, how much effort you put into your growth to become a better person. And even though he was abusive, it doesn't mean that she can do no wrong and he has no right to have feelings or be angry. God knows, I have gotten plenty angry enough to spit nails - but that's ok. That's what this board is for. It's a healthy place to express your anger. Rather than taking it out somewhere else. I only wish MY ex would have done half the things that Jason has done. If my xbf could even acknowledge his abusiveness, it would have been a fine start. Jason, I hope you keep posting, and I hope you keep venting. You have every right to be angry if she cheated. You are human. It hurts, regardless of what you did or did not do.

It's funny that you mentioned he's like a girl - that you constantly had to hear his emotional stuff. Mine was like that too. He'd go on for hours and hours about his hurt feelings. He'd be jealous if I spent ANY time away from him.. even if we were at home, and I was reading!!! He was very dependent and clingy, emotional, needy. The site I mentioned earlier has a good forum for partners of BPDs.. check it out... link removed

What's the timeline involved.. you said you've been divorced from him for 10 years, how long were you married? How old were both of you when you got married to each other? When did he start up with this other woman? And how long has he been married to her? When did he start having problems with her? And have you been friendly with him or in contact with him for the whole 10 years since the divorce?

Jen, I'd like to invite you to a forum at link removed. I have found the most wonderful support there.. we are a really tight group of mostly women who deal with this issue, and support each other in all ways and even manage to have fun at the same time. You will be welcomed warmly if you choose to come. The site is very secure (many of these women have abusive and intrusive husbands who track their internet activities) so in order to to get on the board, there is a phone number on the site to call and register. I would also recommend reading the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She is actually the one who coined the term, and is the one who started that website. If you come to the boards, my user name there is gemini511 I can understand what it's like to be in your situation..the feelings of futility and frustration. I had a controlling father myself. I ended up dropping out of college and getting married, in retrospect, to escape the noose of my parents. It was unbearable.

IMHO, he is doing this to control you. To get you to doubt yourself. To weaken you and get you to feel bad about yourself, and then you will be easier for him to have control of. Very typical of controlling men. I know this because I had been with one for the last couple of years. (But not any longer). And God forbid if YOU should point out a hot guy to him, right? Then all hell would break loose!

Bella, Yes. Me too. Because that's where the power is.

Heart Black and blue Weeping Over you Spirit Splintered shattered Tears Falling splattered Love Broken bleeding Hope Far and fleeting Rage Shaking heaving Bye Finally leaving

Thanks Miracle! Well, I did dump him. Unfortunately, he comes in to my job once a week, and has been acting "friendly." He has a tendency to not be able to take no for an answer (I know it's partly my fault too, as I'm too much of a caring person - unless of course, I'm angry, in which case I can fight with the best of them) But it's done now. Finally. Took a long time to peter out. I agree with you though.. I think your husband is fine and nothing to worry about, but I'd be giving that little b***h some pretty snide and nasty looks if she keeps this up. And if you need ladies room help, I'm right there with ya! (Oh, and to top it all off the ex-bf has borderline personality disorder which made him abusive. What gives me a devilish little sense of satisfaction is, even there were times when he treated me terribly, he treats her 10 times worse!!! ).

I don't really know much about your story other than what I read here, but I have to applaud you for doing what you are doing. Most people in your shoes would never be big enough or have the guts to take accountability for themselves and be willing to make the changes you are making. I participate daily on a forum for partners of abusive men. Many of us are still on that board years after having left them, divorced them. I don't know a single one of us whose partner ever admitted to the abuse and changed their ways. Not a single one. The women always had to either take the abuse, or leave. Pretty sad. So you are the exception. What an amazing thing! You have my respect and admiration.

Yes yes yes!!!!! I have read MANY books on the subject, and that one is the BEST! I also participate on a forum for verbal abuse, and we all agree that is the best book out there. It's called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." by Lundy Bancroft. Please go get it.. you will TOTALLY understand so much!! I wish you the best.

By ghetto I mean that she has a trashy mouth. But I don't mean just cursing, I mean, street talking. I have no idea if they are sleeping together. He claims he is just helping her out because her best friend (from 3rd grade on) kicked her out of her apartment and she lost her job at the same time (I know for a fact the job part is true, anyway). And that this is a temporary situation. I also know it's temporary because his entire family is supposed to come down for Thanksgiving and I'm supposed to be "hostess" and they have no clue we're not together yet, and he would never tell them about this other woman (some of his family is supposed to stay with him). Does he want her? My gut instinct is no. The thing is, my b/f is 27. He has NEVER been without someone. Before me, he had a "friend" or whatever you want to call it - friend with benes (didn't want her for a girlfriend, but was having sex with her). He broke it off with her when we got together. I believe he feels like he has to have a backup in case things go wrong with us. Yes he has cheated on me with her. While we were dating, and not really serious, I caught him with her. I left him, he tossed her, we got back together and from then on, the two of us became much closer and the relationship took off. Then we had problems (unrelated to this) in June, and I had him move out. He started hanging out with her again, said she was a distraction from the pain of what was going on with us (since I was seriously distancing myself from him at that point) and I do believe that. But as I see it, he had a choice: to run away from his problems, or try harder and do what he could to make things better. He chose to make things worse. The thing that she gives him that I don't is big time ego strokes. She is needy and clingy and dependent, and takes whatever she can get from him. The thing that just makes me laugh, is that she's in this apartment with him, and he's still driving around in his car with my lipstick kiss that I smooched on his rearview mirror. It was over a month before he told me she was there because he knew I'd be upset. (Like I said, I've barely been seeing him at all, so it's not like I've been used to hanging out over there). How does she feel, knowing that he's in love with me, and not her? Why would you want to snag someone who is just sees you as a backup/distraction? I just don't get it. As far as obese, I'd say she was wow, I dunno.. 250? She's apple-shaped. Big in the stomach.

I just want to say, I had the SAME problem!!! Not with a coworker but with my ex-boyfriend's neighbor at his apartment complex. He is now my ex-boyfriend because of it. My boyfriend was (and is) madly in love with me and we were going to get married. I can objectively say that I am very attractive, have a great personality, am intelligent, and loving. Before I go on, a caveat: I am not saying these things about her due to "sour grapes" but because it's the absolute truth. This girl is ugly, obese, insecure, ghetto, clingy, immature. The moment I met her, I automatically knew that not only did she have a thing for my b/f, but she was a schemer too, even though she presented as shy and sweet. I never doubted for one minute that she would do anything to get her hands on him. And she did. 1 year later, she is living in his apartment, as I write this. Due to a "temporary emergency situation" she had. I broke up with him over this. She managed to wheedle her way into his life. Believe me when I tell you I am angry and hurt as hell, and p/o'd at him, and I find him equally at fault. But she certainly found a way to do it. And I just broke up with him this week. It will be interesting to see if he wakes up and realizes he lost the most important thing in his life over some dumb sl*t. Good luck to you. Trust your instincts.

Yikes. 10 times a day is pretty high. Even for a male teen. You may want to check out the following link for Sex Addicts Anonymous for more information. It could help you decide whether or not it's normal for you. link removed

Actually, I wanted to ask, are you talking borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder? I was referring to borderline. It sounds to me like he's borderline.

My bf is BPD too. They typically don't think about what would make you mad or what wouldn't. I have found A LOT of support on BPDcentral... link removed They have a great forum!

What I meant by that is, if you give him time away from you, it can only work to your favor.. he will surely miss you, he will experience what life is like without you, and chances are MUCH better that he would want to stay with you. It's just human nature. But if you stick around for the two weeks, EVEN if it's only via the occasional email or phone call, he will not get that opportunity and you are decreasing your chances. As for that thing about the revealing clothing in the Rules, I don't remember seeing that at all. The Rules is all about leaving someone wanting MORE of you, not LESS of you.

OK... I would suggest reading "The Rules" if you haven't already. I know it's pretty controversial but, IMHO, it WORKS! You really have to ask yourself... are you willing to risk giving up happiness in a long term relationship so you can have the short term instant gratification for the next two weeks? Absense makes the heart grow fonder. How can he miss you if you won't give him the chance? If he's having any kind of second thoughts whatsoever, it's your job right now to help make it clear in his mind that he never ever wants to lose you.. and you can only do that by not being around so he gets a chance to see what life is like without you.

Goofy, Could I ask what were the circumstances in your particular situation? What led up to the no contact?

Only if he was willing to get help with me. In any other circumstances, I'd tell the guy to f*** off, but we really had a wonderful thing between us and had planned to get married (been together since 12/03).. so I would be willing to do what it takes - and that would involve counseling. But he would have to be really willing to do the work involved. Otherwise, no go. I'm not willing to just forget it and go back to the way things were. Basically what happened was, I ordered him to leave my house then I sent him an angry email, then I dropped off a letter saying I didn't even think we could be friends, apparently only no contact would work. He emailed me back claiming he didn't read one word of my letter (except that I'm sure he did), and to not ever email or send him letters again. So, basically, angry that I broke up with him and didn't want anything to do with him anymore.