PartlySunny

Believe me, I'm in no hurry at all. I feel like I don't even want to date anyone this year at all.. rather take time and focus on overhauling my life. But - we were really in love, he was madly in love with me, wanted to marry me.. then after a series of fights, we didnt contact each other, and next thing I know, he calls me a month later.. and mentions that he has a new girlfriend for 2 weeks already!!! We haven't talked since that phone call (6 weeks ago - I hung up on him).. and he comes into my job 1x a week and totally ignores me (so of course I ignore him too). I just find it outrageous that he can get involved again so quick, and completely ignore me, meanwhile, not a day has gone by in 3 months where I haven't cried at least once. How is this possible? Did being with someone new so fast make him completely forget me and not have feelings for me, not have any pain or miss me at all?

Ice, In a nutshell, you basically have to stop looking to her to fix this breech. She is having a totally natural reaction to the ways you have behaved. You can't just "talk her into" feeling better about the relationship. You are going to have to put your money where your mouth is, and SHOW her, NOT TELL her, that she should trust you in this relationship again. How do you do that? By proving yourself trustworthy enough to handle yourself better. By showing her that how she feels NOW is important to you and that you respect and honor where she's at, even if you don't like it. By treating her with respect and figuring out how to handle the verbal abusivenesss (regardless of the fact that it hasn't happened often), and if you can't handle it, agreeing to get professional help. It's not something that can be done in days. It will likely take months. Not easy, but that's how it goes. I guess it depends on how much you love her whether or not you are willing to do it. Believe me. This is coming straight from the horses mouth. I was in a verbally abusive relationship. No, he didn't do it constantly - far from it. But it destroyed my trust in him, especially that all he cared about was how HE felt when I had the natural reaction of protecting my heart. Because, when someone hurts you, it's the right thing to do: protect your heart. Until that person proves worthy of your trust again. It would be naive and foolish NOT to. You may not like my answer, but I know from experience what it's going to take, as I have been in her place. Accept how she feels. Live with it. Love her through it, whether she needs space, or whatever. Just say, "OK. Whatever you need honey, I'll be here." Stop thinking about yourself, and think about her instead. Best of luck to you.

I'm curious about this - because I've never had this experience myself.. but, after you go through a bad breakup with someone you were very deeply committed to and in love with, does it actually help the pain of it to get involved with someone else fairly quickly, even if the "rebound" one is not a serious thing? I've had 2 great loves, and both times, I spent a lot of time without another relationship afterwards. I also went through an enormous amount of pain and it took so long to recover. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea or a healthy thing to get involved again quickly (like, within weeks), but for those of you who have done it, did it help? Did it help you get over the person and no longer miss or care about them?

My ex-b/f and I were together for nearly 2 years. We were both deeply in love with each other, he often told me how much more I meant to him than anyone else ever before. He planned to marry me. I know he was madly in love with me (well, or so I thought). We started having serious problems in the summer, with a lot of hurt on both sides.. we'd fight and then not talk for weeks. Then, I didn't hear from him for a month. Finally he called several days in a row, and I asked him if he had a new g/f - he said yes. I have been crying over him every day, missing him so much; I just can't seem to believe that if he loved me as much as he appeared to, that he could just so easily forget about me and get with someone else right away. I know that there are a lot of people who get into new relationships very fast.. does that mean they weren't really in love with the one they left behind? I feel like if he really was hurting as much as me, that he wouldn't have just left like this!!! Please help, I really need opinions from people who have done this - gotten into new relationships right away - does it make the pain go away, or make it easier? I myself can't even THINK of being with someone else.. my heart is too full of him!

Code Blue Always springing forth This smattering of tears Afraid to face the hours And weeks and months and years Echoing so empty Without the sound of you No colors in my world - My rainbow's gone code blue

Awesome!!! I love it - would make a great song.

I don't think either one of you meant any harm here. But I can understand why Jason may have felt so frustrated. Because, he IS getting help. He is doing tons of work. He knows he was the problem. He knows he hurt her. Yes, of course he cares for her and thereforeeee he IS working through those issues. What I'm trying to say is, that he is doing everything he possibly can to get to a better place, and it's hard doing that, and it's frustrating when people don't recognize how hard you are trying, how much effort you put into your growth to become a better person. And even though he was abusive, it doesn't mean that she can do no wrong and he has no right to have feelings or be angry. God knows, I have gotten plenty angry enough to spit nails - but that's ok. That's what this board is for. It's a healthy place to express your anger. Rather than taking it out somewhere else. I only wish MY ex would have done half the things that Jason has done. If my xbf could even acknowledge his abusiveness, it would have been a fine start. Jason, I hope you keep posting, and I hope you keep venting. You have every right to be angry if she cheated. You are human. It hurts, regardless of what you did or did not do.

It's funny that you mentioned he's like a girl - that you constantly had to hear his emotional stuff. Mine was like that too. He'd go on for hours and hours about his hurt feelings. He'd be jealous if I spent ANY time away from him.. even if we were at home, and I was reading!!! He was very dependent and clingy, emotional, needy. The site I mentioned earlier has a good forum for partners of BPDs.. check it out... link removed

What's the timeline involved.. you said you've been divorced from him for 10 years, how long were you married? How old were both of you when you got married to each other? When did he start up with this other woman? And how long has he been married to her? When did he start having problems with her? And have you been friendly with him or in contact with him for the whole 10 years since the divorce?

Jen, I'd like to invite you to a forum at link removed. I have found the most wonderful support there.. we are a really tight group of mostly women who deal with this issue, and support each other in all ways and even manage to have fun at the same time. You will be welcomed warmly if you choose to come. The site is very secure (many of these women have abusive and intrusive husbands who track their internet activities) so in order to to get on the board, there is a phone number on the site to call and register. I would also recommend reading the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She is actually the one who coined the term, and is the one who started that website. If you come to the boards, my user name there is gemini511 I can understand what it's like to be in your situation..the feelings of futility and frustration. I had a controlling father myself. I ended up dropping out of college and getting married, in retrospect, to escape the noose of my parents. It was unbearable.

IMHO, he is doing this to control you. To get you to doubt yourself. To weaken you and get you to feel bad about yourself, and then you will be easier for him to have control of. Very typical of controlling men. I know this because I had been with one for the last couple of years. (But not any longer). And God forbid if YOU should point out a hot guy to him, right? Then all hell would break loose!

Bella, Yes. Me too. Because that's where the power is.

Heart Black and blue Weeping Over you Spirit Splintered shattered Tears Falling splattered Love Broken bleeding Hope Far and fleeting Rage Shaking heaving Bye Finally leaving

Thanks Miracle! Well, I did dump him. Unfortunately, he comes in to my job once a week, and has been acting "friendly." He has a tendency to not be able to take no for an answer (I know it's partly my fault too, as I'm too much of a caring person - unless of course, I'm angry, in which case I can fight with the best of them) But it's done now. Finally. Took a long time to peter out. I agree with you though.. I think your husband is fine and nothing to worry about, but I'd be giving that little b***h some pretty snide and nasty looks if she keeps this up. And if you need ladies room help, I'm right there with ya! (Oh, and to top it all off the ex-bf has borderline personality disorder which made him abusive. What gives me a devilish little sense of satisfaction is, even there were times when he treated me terribly, he treats her 10 times worse!!! ).

I don't really know much about your story other than what I read here, but I have to applaud you for doing what you are doing. Most people in your shoes would never be big enough or have the guts to take accountability for themselves and be willing to make the changes you are making. I participate daily on a forum for partners of abusive men. Many of us are still on that board years after having left them, divorced them. I don't know a single one of us whose partner ever admitted to the abuse and changed their ways. Not a single one. The women always had to either take the abuse, or leave. Pretty sad. So you are the exception. What an amazing thing! You have my respect and admiration.