kristo

Hey btbt, I agree wth itsallgrand's comment. You inadvertantly led him on here, even though your intentions were good. He thought he had a chance with you in the future. I used to be that guy, so I know how he feels. On the same token, I've also been in your shoes. The friendship speech or hoping that he will take the hint won't cut it at this stage unfortunately. You need to be straight and direct with him now. Best, K¬

Hey There, You're asking for a whole world of potential hurt if you go down that route. I've been down that road twice. Personally, wouldn't go down that route again, esp as the last one was a narcassist and made my last 2 months in that role hell (she was the CEO's PA ) On the other hand, I have personally seen 5 cases, where people have embarked on a romance and ended up getting married (2 with kids ). However, these individuals all ended up working in different departments or went to work for another company, once it was out It's your call, but bear in mind what might happen if things go belly up. Best, K

Er... I hate to break it to you, but not all guy's have ulterior motives!

Ok here goes... I have a girlfriend, however if she is not around and I need some sort of release I will masturbate. If she is around and is not up for it (i.e. too tired, which is rare) or if she’s on her period, she will help me or I will sort myself out. It’s mutual. i.e. Sex > Masturbation I think you might have a problem here, especially as he keeps spurning your needs. Next time he rejects you, ask him when is the right time and talk to him to find out what is going on. Good luck. K

Hey Big Bean, I think you did the right thing. You have forgiven her for 'seeing' that other guy, you said you loved her and wanted to be with her, but you still had to set some boundaries, i.e. NC for a whole month. The fact that she is going crazy is what you want. It allows her to realise what she is missing. Remember that she is the one that left you. On the same token, you need to assess whether you can truly give her what she wants and can fix the things within you that contributed to the break up. Whilst I do agree somewhat with this statement, a month is really not that long. I could understand that if he was going on a "tour of duty" for a year, but I would doubt the feelings of someone who could readily jump ship for another within such a short time. K

Irrespective of his sexual orientation, he is clearly using you. Look, he only gets REALLY angry with you when you don't lend him money and he brings up all the "bad stuff" up to try and make you feel guilty and cave in. I would probably reconsider my friendship with him, because true friends don't act like that.

Hey Daregveda! I've been following your story since the beginning and I'm so proud of you. You truly are a poster boy for NC. You are in a win, win situation. You have moved on, kept your dignity and greatly improved yourself. Having the opportunity to have the mother of your kids to work things out with you again is a bonus. My hats off to you! K

Thanks for clarifying that. However, I still think, whether one assigns people to groups is done with the intention of discriminating against or helping someone, classifying individuals based on the color of their skin or their parentage conflicts with the individualist idea that each person is unique. People's beliefs and behavior are not determined by such superficial traits as ethnicity or language, and to assume that they are can only lead to misunderstanding. Individual personalities, desires, and habits are the result of an enormous number of different influences and people shortchange others when they try to reduce them to simply a sample of a larger group. It is not very funny when you are not part of the larger group or the 'norm' and you get stereotyped/ labelled habitually. It can be quite tiring and annoying when someone assumes you represent the traits or stereotypes of a particular group, looking beyond you as an individual, whether or not the intention was good or not. Yes, it is a fact that stereotyping does occur through collectivist thinking, and I wholly agree that predominating attitudes and behaviour can characterize a certain culture. But to begin from the position of stereotyping someone, even from a good point of view (although the individual being stereotyped might not see it that way) can be damaging without intent.

With due respect, I would argue that any type of stereotype is bad and similarly dehumanising. For example, one could say that Asian people are generally intelligent, in which I suspect that you would call positive stereotyping and a desirable trait. This can have the effect of reducing the hard work and personal achievement that an individual has put into achieving a high grade/ success, as something based on their race or culture. It totally ignores the diversity and individuality or a person. However, to blindly accept that stereotyping can be favourable when deemed good in the eyes of the person stereotyping is ignorant. To accept stereotyping simply means that one doesn't have the critical thought or desire to challenge preconcieved views about groups of people, simply accepting what one has learned through the media or through limited social experience.

Hi Guy's, Thanks for your quick responses. I'm not worried about him stealing again (he won't have the opportunity!) it's just that I don't want to be around someone like that. My plan of action is to have another word with my flatmate tonight (saying what I said in the email) and that I don't want him here. However, seeing that it is his friend, if he says anything out of turn (anything!) then I will personally throw him out. It really sucks when people really take the p*** and advantage out of other peoples hospitality and kindness (mine and others). It's quite sad really, as they don't realize that they are just hurting themselves in the long run. K!

Hi Guy’s, I’ve got an issue you that I’m hoping that you can help me with. It’s a bit long, but it covers everything. I have an “acquaintance” of mine; lets call him David, who is supposed to be coming to my house on NYE. I have known David for about a 1.5 years and I met him through my flatmate. They are both from the same town overseas. Anyway, I have started to dislike David. In fact, I have never really liked him, but I have noticed things that I do not like about him over a certain period of time, which I will list below. When he split up with his live in girlfriend, he stayed at our place (I share a house with 3 people) for about 3 weeks until he could find somewhere to live. During this time, my flatmate had to clear up after him and wash his dirty dishes. He didn’t contribute as a guest. I only found this out after he left. When we used to go out, he was known for being a tight a**, and never buying drinks, but would always be the first to tell you what he wanted when you asked anyone for a drink I lent him a book (about 3 months after I met him) and I said that I needed that book by the end of the month. I had to basically pester him to get the book back. This took about 2 months He has made overtly racists comments on a couple occasions, which I had to call him out on once. About 3 weeks ago, we had a party at our house. I put one of my new CD’s in his CD mixer and he was mixing with it. This was right at the end of the party, where there were only about 7 of us left. Please note that he was the only one DJ’ing at this point. Some 30 mins later, he was leaving and I remember him saying “bye”. I remembered that he still had my CD, as I had only bought it 2 weeks prior from Germany and it’s NOT IN PRINT anymore. He made some excuse about getting it out when he gets home, because all his stuff was in the car. Anyway, I sent him about 3 messages over the next 10 days, saying that I want my CD before Xmas. He replies with a simple “ok”, “ok” and “It’s not in my CDJ, but I will have a look in my CD wallet". I said make sure and either way I will see you on Xmas day. Very nonchalant about the whole thing. Total disrespect! Fast-forward 7 days later to Xmas Day I had an orphans Xmas (Xmas with friends as we don’t have family where we are with people from South Africa, France, Germany and America) at my buddy “Kevin’s” house. I see him at Kev’s house and he says that he couldn’t find the CD. At this point I don’t say anything. Well what can I say!! During the Xmas day, he was rude to another one of the guests (this French guy), taking the p*** out of his accent and he said a couple of unsavoury things to me. I just brushed it off, as I didn’t want to cause a scene and ruin Xmas for everyone else. I think the “French” guy also felt the same way. He also brought a bottle of single malt whisky with him, where the bottle was small and had already been opened. The thing is he only took it out of his bag, only when he wanted a drink. Note that my buddy “Kevin”, is is loaded and basically had everything sorted out for Xmas, including expensive wines, spirits and a full roast dinner. We didn’t want for anything. Even still, everyone brought a bottle of wine at least a show of appreciation. He brings a bottle of spirits and keeps it to himself So now you know why I don’t like the guy and I’m not afraid to tell him this when I see him, especially after him losing my “CD”. However, my flatmate has invited him to our place on NYE tomorrow night. I have two gay friends of mine and I’m sure he will say something to or about them. Hopefully, he will so he can give me enough justification points to knock him out (OK… I know I should take the high road, but I’m just fantasizing a little). I basically don’t’ want him at my house, but I share with my flatmate and he is his friend. Am I justified in saying I don’t want him around or shall I just shut up until he says/ does something wrong then we can kick him out. Thanks, K!

Thanks for the advice! The funny thing is that my mate's an accountant Cheers, K

Hi Guy's, You have given me stellar advice, which has seen me though hard times and let me keep my dignity intact. I sometimes think about the ex... but I soon push that out of my mind, I don't miss her or even care. Time really does heal! Anyway….I digress. My buddy has come to me for advice, so I'm passing this on to you and hopefully we can both help him out. Background: He has been going out with his g/f for about 4 years, but there have been cracks in the relationship over the past couple of years, one of which is the money thing. As he earns more than her and the fact that they are in a relationship he has lent her money. She really relied on him when she moved to London and couldn't find work for about 3 months. She has paid him back monthly, but sporadically. Apparently, she tried to get a loan from the bank but they turned her down. She owes him about USD 3,500. They both won some cash in a competition about 3 years ago, where they both won USD 8,000 ($4k each). She paid some debts off, but still managed to get into debt with him. Oh yeah… he wrote off a portion of some money that she owed him before, because she chose the winning ticket About 6 weeks ago, she tried to withdraw some money from the cash machine, but nothing came out. She tried 3 times and then went into the bank to complain. Apparently, this incident is still under investigation. My mate lent her USD 1,200 to pay the rent and get by, amongst other things. She phoned him this morning and told him that someone got into her account had been cleared over the Xmas period (about USD 1,500). I've attached the e-mail exchange that he forwarded to me, between him and her. which I edited slightly My Friend Look, I know it's not your fault and it's MORE than likely that you will get your money back BUT I'm not willing to throw money at you so you can get by, as by your own admissions you CANNOT BUDGET! Also this talk of getting your teeth whitened for half price (if you weren't going to do it… why even mention it!), that little star on your teeth and that "expense" item that you bought for work Xmas party is BLATANTLY disrespectful to me, especially after I lent you USD 1,200 to sort yourself out 4 weeks ago and you haven't paid me anything back yet. Maybe I'm blind, but I'm only starting to see this now. To tell you the truth, my involvement in this would be SEVERELY limited, if you didn't owe me all that money. I can't even think straight. Look, give me your budget by spreadsheet on what you need for the next month, on a week-by-week basis, including how much you will need between now and New Year. Her Reply I totally understand you BUT I NEVER EVER DISRESPECT YOU!!! And I didn't call you to ask you for money…I did call you for some reassuring words! Yes I did spent some money on myself but I suppose I did it to "cheer" myself up as I haven't been really happy at all in the last few months. I know that is wrong but this is what some people do sometimes in situations like this and I'm sorry! I will have to sit down tonight and work my budgeting out and will send you tomorrow the spreadsheet…as I can't think straight right now too! I will go home in a few minutes!!! My friend feels like he is backed into a corner and feels he is being used, especially as his ex from a few years ago used him. He is the archetypal "nice" guy. I know his girlfriend well and I don't think she is lying or "consciously" using him, but then again, I'm not in the relationship. On the other hand though… I think he has been too nice of a guy and let things get out of hand with her. What is the solution here? Cheers, K!

"You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".... Move on as you intended, before you get hurt.

Talk to him... he is not a mind reader

Just noticed that my Avatar is based on a character from WoW... LOL

Hey Shinobie! A big round of applause from me too! I got addicted to an internet based FPS game a few years ago when I was "in between jobs", so I know how hard it is to quit. On the same note, I was thinking of buying WoW last year, until another friend of mine said, and I quote "This game is so good a lot of people are going to lose thier jobs over it" . LOL. Needless to say, I didn't buy it. Well done!

Of course they can, if the breakup was mutual/ amicable (i.e. both parties treated each other with RESPECT and BOTH accepted that the relationship was on it's last legs... very rare though) and/ or a FAIR amount of time was spent away from each other so that the ‘love’ feeling of BOTH individuals have gone. Only then can a true friendship begin. Trust me... I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago. I spent a whole 6 months 'fooling' myself that this girl I was going out with could be friends. I’m ashamed to say that I became a doormat and an emotional wreck. I ended up telling her to F**k *** in the end… and then started the healing process! I wasted 6 months of my life for nothing but pain and grief. Listen to everyone and go No Contact, come back here for support and read other peoples experiences. Once you have gotten over her, then ‘maybe’ you can think about being friends, but only then. She is disrespecting you BIG TIME. If you let her treat you the way she is treating you now, I doubt very much that you will want to be friends when you see what she is doing. You only have yourself to blame if you let her carry on treating you the way she is treating you now.

I spoke to my mate and said that I don't mind sleeping on the sofa if she has nowhere to go, but she is going to stay with him Apparently after he hit her, X started crying on the sofa and he looked at her and said that she should f**k off and that he didn't like 'cry babies'. After 30 minutes or so, he started crying and then asks for her forgiveness . She does have some friends over here, but she doesn't want to tell them because she knows that they will tell her to leave him (AND RIGHTLY SO!). It is the first time that he has done this and she wants to understand why. I know "you can't take a horse to water and make it drink", but all I can do is persuade my mate to tell her to do the right thing and hopefully it doesn't end in tears. Thanks for responding. K

Hi Guy's, I'm posting this on behalf of a friend (his colleague at work) who phoned me for some advice. X (the abused) confided in him and doesn't want anyone else to know at work. The extent of my knowledge is based only on what he told me. X's boyfriend beat her up before she went to work this afternoon. He hit her, she fell to the floor and he started punching her in the chest. I suggested that she stay with a friend and/ or go to the police. The problem is that she just got over here from France about a month ago and does not have many/ any friends over here, i.e. she has nowhere else to stay. Apparently, this is the first time it has happened. Has anyone got any suggestions? Thanks in advance, K

Hi guys, Thanks for the advice KellBell. I’ve just sent her a message saying that although tomorrow sounds tempting, lets meet for a coffee next week instead. Chai... thanks for your input too. I do have females as friends and I don’t tend to differentiate or treat them differently from my male friends. It's worked fine for me up to now. This situation threw me a bit, because she was really, really keen, my dating skills are rusty and I could see this potentially developing into something that would inevitably end in tears....fast. On the other hand, I do think it needs to announced in this case. I think it’s best to be clear and unambiguous than having her rely on false hope and 'hoping' that she will be able to read between the lines eventually. I've been on the receiving end of false hope and vagueness and it's not a nice feeling when it all becomes clear down the road. Cheers, K

Hi Guy's, I need some advice. As some of you know, I've recently been side lined by this girl that I was seeing. She wasn't honest with me and let me know by being passive aggressive, making false promises, leading me on, etc, etc. I was in turmoil for a while, but I'm healing very nicely now. Looking at my situation and others has further confirmed to me that being honest and upfront with people is the only way to go. Ok... My friends and I went out last Saturday and we met some girls. They ended up coming back to ours, we partied a bit more and then went to bed. One of the girls I was with ended up sleeping in my bed. We fooled around, but did NOT have sex with each other. She said that we couldn't have sex because she was on her period. Just to make things clear, I replied that I did NOT expect to sleep with her, as we had just met. Anyway, yesterday she sent me a message saying that she wanted to meet me today. I've been ill the past couple of days and I said "I would get back to you". I'm still feeling sick today and I said to her maybe we could meet another time. She sends me a message back straight away wondering if she can play nursemaid for me tomorrow night after this concert that's taking place around the corner from where I live . To tell you the truth, I'm not into her at all, but was thinking that maybe we could be friends, as she is pretty cool. Originally, I was hoping that we could meet for a coffee next week and I could tell her this in person, but this last text message really accelerated things. I'm one for being honest and I don't want to shoot her down if you know what I mean. Her last 'boyfriend' of 3 months turned out to be this married guy with a child and her self esteem took a big blow. I think this 'meeting' that we had was good for both of us, as it showed that we are both still desirable to a certain extent. How do I tell her that I'm not interested in taking things further without hurting her ego? Is it ok to do it by text message or shall I say that we should leave things till next week and then tell her. Ok, I've only just met this girl and have no emotional investment in her, but I want to do the right thing. Cheers, K

Hey OCD, Just read your post and I'd like to say that you have done EVERYTHING by the book to heal and to 'get her back'. From the limited contact in the beginning, being aloof, not talking about the relationship, not being needy, etc, etc. You've exhausted every avenue and frankly I can't see that you can do anymore except doing what you're doing now . Well done and stay strong! K

That particularly struck a chord with me. LOL. To an extent yes, It still early days yet and Kellbell is right in saying that she will probably phone you. I read somewhere on this forum today that some girls have a rule where they wait until the guy phones 3 times before they respond to gauge how interested they are. I DON'T agree with that at all, but you need to be aware that some girls are like that. For the time being, try not to get too hung up on it, carry on healing nicely and do let us know what happens . Cheers, K

Lion-Guy, Go with your heart. I had a situation with this girl that I was seeing, but WE decided to be friends. She would ask me what I was doing and I would say that I'm free. I started noticing over a period of time that she would regularly blow me out or not follow up with a confirmation on whether we were gonna meet or not. Sometimes I would also get the "See you soon" and the "call me whenever you're free" comments too. Please note that I was hyper aware of not pestering her and giving her space... she initiated most of the meetings. The last time I communicated with her, she sent me a text to thank me for a birthday card that I sent to her. SHE said that maybe we could meet during the week for a drink, but she didn't know what her work schedule was like and would get back to me once she figured out what days she was working. Up to this point, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but after this I just wrote her off for good. Her family was coming to visit her from out of town that week and I distinctly remember her saying that she could only book 3 days off work when she started her new job back in September. I didn't expect nor ask her to make time for me especially as her mom and brother were only here for a few days. That was just over 3 weeks ago and I have not heard from her since. No problem for me, as I had already prepared myself and started the healing process. I would let her phone you next time. I've come to realise that some girls/ guy's act in such a way to tick the other person off, because they don't have the guts to let them know that they aren't interested in them romantically or don't want to hang out with them anymore… for whatever reason. Eventually the other person can't handle the constant let downs from the other person and they let go. I've seen examples on this forum and it's happened to me. It's early days yet and it's only the first time that she has done this. I would let her phone you next time. You aren't interested in a relationship and haven't invested any emotions into this. It's not game playing. It's just putting the ball in her court.