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kristo

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  1. kristo
    If I saw a girl/ guy in trouble I would help. In fact, I made a citizens arrest about a 6 weeks ago, where this girl had her handbag taken by two guy's. I ended running after them and held on to one of the guy's until police came... but that is another story. Just tell him the truth and get it out the way. Alternatively, you could do away with giving him an explanation, but can you really be bothered to give him excuses or screen your calls until he get's it?
  2. kristo
    Hey Sukerbut, Dude... I have been reading your posts and can see that you have come a long way. You definitely haven't gone back to square one... you just delayed your progress a little. Thats all. Look at it this way. She wanted to contact you and didn't leave a message (prob cause she had nothing to say). All you did was respond to her call and left an upbeat message. You didn't pour your heart out and you didn't beg her to come back. That's all. Don't worry if she doesn't phone back and I'm assuming that your not expecting her too. K
  3. kristo
    Oops... sorry
  4. kristo
    renaissancewoman101 Ok… we know why he fell in love with you, but why did you fall I love with him? You realised you lost your feelings for him, you didn't like his traits and were clearly different people It's not cruel to dump someone, if you truly feel that you have fallen out of love with someone or the costs outweigh the benefits. However, it is cruel to drag things out, string someone along and adopt this passive aggressive stance. He clearly noticed that you were treating him differently, he communicated this to you, but you didn't listen or take action to remedy the situation. He was clearly fed up with being ignored, even after communicating this to you and has found someone new. Now my question to you is what is it that your missing from the relationship and why do you want to get back with him?
  5. kristo
    Sukerbut... The drug analogy is so true. I even mentioned it to 'her' a couple of months that she was my drug. Like you, Im in rehab... the shakes and shivers when I first started cold turkey are now subsiding. I had a couple of relapses... but I don't ever want to feel how I was feeling back then. NC all the way.
  6. kristo
    Love is a verb, it is an action and it is not a feeling. It is a choice that one makes... It's not those chemicals that float around in our body when we discover the "one". I think invariably the newness, the butteflies, the "in love" slightly out of control feeling eventually fades for most people. The "in love" feeling is just natures trick to get 'us' together. When that feeling does run out, hopefully one would have built on and 'worked' on the qualities that TiredMan mentioned to create a truly loving relationship. K
  7. kristo
    Hi Personman, First of all, cancel that meeting you guy's are gonna have this afternoon. I think it's a bad move her coming to your place to "sort things out", especially when you two are alone. She keeps coming on to you, you resist, you read her the riot act, she isn't gonna leave her boyfriend. The situation is quite clear...the only thing she wants is to have her cake and eat it! If she does end up coming around I would reiterate to you her that you respect her boyfriend, you respect her and most importantly you respect YOURSELF, so you won't do anything with her until she is single. I can see that you are probabaly thinking about making a move or that something could happen. You have been strong and resisted before, but clearly you have an element of self doubt now otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. On another note, if (thats a big if) she does leave her boyfriend she would respect you a lot more for showing some inner strength and moral fortitude for not succumbing to temptation. As tempting as it sounds, If something does happen you will regret it BIG TIME. All for a brief encounter. Is it really worth it?? K
  8. kristo
    Hey w_maxell, I would suggest that you read SuperDave71's take up on the 'waiting game' and then decide whther you would rather put your life on hold for 12 months for a girl that might not come back to you. link removed Cheers, K
  9. kristo
    Well done Frank=( What you did isn't wrong. No need to feel guilty. You told her on numerous occasions that you needed time to heal and that contact with her is tearing you apart. She broke that agreement to assuage her guilt. Whatever you do, DO NOT TALK to her or email her. Use the same strategy that you employed earlier. Dont answer calls if the you dont recognise the number or if it's hidden. If it's important, they will leave a message. Everytime you talk to her your delaying your progress. Everyday of NC is a step closer to being released from the pain that your going through. K
  10. kristo
    J, Take solace in the fact that you didn't capitulate and respond to her message. It could have been worse... you could have replied. However, you didn't and that's what counts! K
  11. kristo
    Even though you are hoping that he will come back, common sense tells you that he won't. Hope is holding you back Once you can truly accept that he is not coming back, then you move forward. Have you tried writing a goodbye letter to him? It's just for you i.e. DONT send it to him. Maybe getting it down on paper might help?
  12. kristo
    OK, in a moment of madness... I broke NC, but not stressing. I called, but she didn't pick up. I didn't bother leave a message. Mmm... Have I gained anything. Probably not. I just hope that I haven't stuffed up the progress I made. K
  13. kristo
    Hey Magamar, Hope you're well and haven't sent that text yet Mate, I know what you mean about your thoughts changing from one minute to another. Anger, acceptance, denial and everything in between. For me, it's not as volatile as before, but they are still there. Every day, I'm flitting between sending her something and not. I might send her something today, but what would I say? She has only texted me once and that was last Wednesday (it's her day off today). She does know that I'm going to be very busy this and next month at work. She even said, "I probably wont see a lot of you", the last time I spoke to her. I have been rationalising her behaviour, i.e. she is not texting me cause I'm busy. But I keep going back to the advice I've been given on this forum and what I've read in other people situations that make mine look like spilt milk! If I don't contact her, it shows her (and primarily MYSELF) that I don't need her emotionally anymore, that I've got other interests and I'm not ALWAYS available to her. Most importantly, I need to move on. For all I know, she could have found someone else, or maybe she could see where 'we' were going and she didn't want that. Does it really matter at this stage… probably not. This NC thing has allowed me to take a step back look at myself critically and honestly. I think I have been delusional that past couple of months. She did say at one point, that maybe we will probably end up as friends and that I would go back to my ex. I remember laughing this off and reassuring her that I wouldn't. I selectively turned my own radar off and got caught up in my own fantasy. In this instance, I'm angrier with myself than her. Back to you… you have done quite well with this NC/LC thing . I really think you have. However, every time she texts you, she knows that she will get a response from you. Think how you would feel after you send the message. Try not to throw away the progress you have made. Try and put off sending anything now until, lets say 10pm tonight. Hopefully your urge will have died down by then and you will have another day of NC under your belt. That's what I would do.
  14. kristo
    Hi TweedledBeatle, When I was seeing a counsellor/ hypnotherapist a few years ago, she suggested that I meditate for 30 minutes a day. Gradually building up from 5 minutes to 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night. 1. Find a quite place 2. You sit in a chair upright and not slouching or you can lie down on the floor with your hands at your sides, facing downwards and not touching your body 3. You begin by breathing in and out slowly, inhaling through your nose and exhaling from your mouth 4. When you breathe out, you push your stomach out. This is called diaphragmatic breathing. 5. Repeat for five counts in and five counts out until you have completed this process. Please note that your mind does tend to wander and after a certain amount of time you do start feeling restless. It's best to imagine seeing the numbers coming out of your mouth when you breathe in and out and focussing on this as well as yourself breathing. That's is one way of improving your focus and concentration. A mini workout for the mind. It really does help. My mate used to suffer from some serious anxiety attacks and has just been through a really bad split up with his g/f. He has been doing this for 2 months now and it has really helped him. Maybe I should follow my own advice, his example and do the same. LOL On another note, Tigris is right. If you have been suffering from depression for a quite some time, go and see someone. It really does help and there is no need for you to suffer by yourself hoping it will lift soon. Good luck! K
  15. kristo
    Oops... just saw that Anni mentioned weight watchers too. It really does work!
  16. kristo
    Hi Mairi, 1) Your breasts will probably become smaller, but that all depends on how much you lose. I can't really comment more on that 2) Check out weight watchers My ex g/f suffered from high blood pressure due to smoking, the pill, and not so healthy diet. Her Dr. wanted to put her on these pills that would keep her blood pressure in check, but they were steriod based...i.e. more weight gain and she would have to take them for an indefinite period. She said stuff that, gave up the cigararettes, started going to the gym (religiously 3x per week) and joined weight watchers. She did it she lost about 3 stone (42 pounds ) in about 4 month. Her 3 friends joined and noticably lost weight too. WW beats all the fad/ crash diets hands down, beacause it's sensible and realistic. You can do it via the web or you can go to the meetings. Weight Watchers works on a points system. For example, your allocated a number of points per day and each portion/ type of food has a number of points attached to it. You can eat whatever you want (within reason), but you can't go over your allocated points for the day. You get a diary and a handbook to keep track of your progress. I'm not sure if you can buy those separately. You might also want to research what type of contraceptive pill you are using, as I think some of them tend to increase weight gain and fluid retention. Oh almost forgot... exercise as well. Walk instead of taking the bus, the stairs instead of the escalator, etc, etc. Cheers, K
  17. kristo
    Hey Magamar, I was just thinking of how things were going with you on the tube this morning and was going to PM you when I got into work… spooky ;o) Today is day 12 of LC for me, although she did ask how I was last Wednesday (see my previous post). I'm starting to understand my situation a bit better now. I can't say that I'm fully accepting everything yet, but I'm not as scatty and anxious as before. I can see my contribution to this episode and I'm starting to kick myself for not seeing the 'signs' and letting her become a source of my happiness. Like I said before… it's like a drug. But hey, I'm not a mind reader and I wasn't the one arranging meetings and backing out at the last minute with 'plausible' excuses. Saying that though, I'm glad that I've impended this NC/LC rule. If I didn't have it, I would have probably further hurt myself and lost more self-respect (did I have any anyway?!) in her eyes. It has given me my sanity (gradually anyway) and power back and lets me show her that I'm not dependant on her. I am thinking of sending a short text to her tomorrow to see how she is though. But you know what, I'm not really sure what to say. It's probably a good thing… I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I see she did the age old, "Yeah… lets meet up on X date" and then when that day comes, she comes up with another 'lame' excuse not to meet. Mate, I know where your coming from. You're in a bit of tough situation though, in that she keeps texting you. Clearly, you really like this girl and I'm sure that if you took away all the madness you could still be friends with her. She's a lot of fun and made you happy. Am I right?! But therein lies the trap. Your clearly 'hooked' and now we have to find a way to release you from her. If I were in your shoes, I would carry on with what your doing, i.e. LC. Don't initiate contact, don't reply staright away and reply with vague information. If she wants to meet with you say that you have plans. I know it's hard, but you need to do this. It's not lying… you just have a plan to do something else other than see her. I know it's not easy, but you need to get more of your power back. I'm not telling you anything new here. On the other hand, you could go hard-core and tell her not to contact you anymore, but not even I would have the guts to do that. Are you still going to the gym? I missed my last two workouts but will go tonight. The other thing is posting here and not being too hard on yourself… keep doing it. It's helped me loads! K
  18. kristo
    Hey Cinnamon_Pods, Welcome to enotalone! My understanding from what I've picked up on this forum is that NC means no contact with the other person and LC means limited contact. With limited contact you do respond to the other persons messages and phones calls, but you don't initiate contact. Furthermore, keep the conversation brief and don't offer information about yourself, i.e. business like but upbeat. I've found a pretty good piece, that articulates the meaning and merits article on the NC rule better than I ever could. link removed I'm pretty new to this NC/ LC thing too, but it seems to work for a lot of people on this forum in that it helps us to heal and move on. Its for US and not them. How I feel and what I'm thinking today is pretty different from day to day (except for the fact that I'm feeling low, which is pretty consistent!), as my head is all over the place at the moment. On another note, I felt like sending this message to her for the past 3 hours; `Hi sweetie... hope you had a good w/e. Can't believe its gone so fast. Kiss Kx` Seems like a pretty harmless message and lets her know that I'm thinking of her. However, she knows how I feel and where I am... Needless to say, I didn't send it. Another day of NC/LC under my belt. Another victory for ME! Hang in there!
  19. kristo
    I miss hearing her voice and laughter so much…What is she doing/ who is she with/ how was her w/e? This is day 9 of NC for me and I'm thinking of breaking it… but I know that it WOULD probably be a bad idea and set me back in the positive steps that I've already made. I'm trying to mentally fool myself by putting the 'call' off until tomorrow. Hopefully I will feel a bit less anxious tomorrow and won't have this strong urge to phone. Taking each day as it comes… but it's not easy.
  20. kristo
    Hey Bro, I'm not sure if you sent the email or contacted her... but I would maintain NC and carry on with the rest of your life. I can't judge her for offloading her guilt on to you, as you have both been the 'bad guys' in your relationship, but she has clearly moved on. Put this last episode behind you and carry on learning and recovering from this experience. K
  21. kristo
    Hi Guy's, I found this in one of my personal items folder, when I was going through a housekeeping exercise. I want to share this with you. I read it again and realised how long I've been feeling like this. I thought that it was only the last 3 weeks, but in fact its been quite some time! I wish I would have posted my issues on Enotalone back then... at least I would have had 6 weeks of healing behind me
  22. kristo
    Magamar, I'm SO glad that you can take this situation and turn it into a positive for yourself. It's quite funny, as I can see parallels in how we are dealing with our 'situations'. I wasn't happy with my previous relationship and I don't know why I stayed for so long. Yeah… I thought she was the one for so long (4 years!), but I wasn't happy. We tried to make it work, but couldn't. Linn made me realise that I didn't love my ex when I met her. Don't get me wrong… I didn't leave my ex because of her, but she WAS the catalyst. Maybe I haven't gotten fully over my last relationship, when I thought I had… all I know now is that I'm not ready yet. Now I have the opportunity to become a better me. Like Magamar, I haven't been happy with myself for a while. I've started working out at the gym again and have been going religiously for the past 3 weeks. Before, I'd be lucky to go twice a month. I used to party $hit loads, feeling crap on a Saturday/ Sunday morning after binge drinking in various London and eating too much fast food. I'm drinking sensibly now, eating healthily, although I still smoke on occasion. In this sense, Linn has been a REAL POSITIVE and inspiration...She's a health nut amongst other things Sometimes, I don't feel like doing anything. Like lying in bed till late not wanting to face the world, or just skipping the gym and going home and vegetating in front of the TV. But I force myself to go, because I can either feel sad, crap for not keeping my promise and prolong this discomfort or I can get over it quicker by doing something about it and growing as a person at the same time. I'm starting to forgive this situation and her to an extent. Trying to let go, but it will take time. We are doing the right thing and thanks to this website we have good people that we can turn to for sound advice and lean on when it all just seem to much for us to handle. Cheers, K
  23. kristo
    Magamar, I'm starting to think that this is all down to my (or our) needy obsession and our respective partners (ex or otherwise) playing on this to a certain extent. I can see that mine does play a little on it, but she is not pulling me back and forth as your one is. Everything you say resonates with me… Contact is made and I'm happy for at least 4 days max. After that… then I need to contact her for my next fix. It's not so good for me to be reliant on her to make me happy and looking at this now, it's probably not very good looking to the opposite sex to see a slightly emotionally dependant man. BTW…I ended up sending that message. Short, curt and to the point. Not rude or distant and definitely not asking her a question so that she will respond. I've turned my phone off and won't turn it on again till I leave work at 6pm. I also have no expectation (trying anyway) that she will reply. It's a bit hard though... all I can do is focus on the physical present. If she does text, I've promised myself to not reply immediately (3 hour gap min) and respond by not giving to much information and asking her a question in return. It's still early days yet… this is my first experience of LC so far. I also had lunch with a mate of mine that I hadn't seen in 4 months. Had a really nice time and didn't think of this thing in my head once. Quiet refreshing. We can crack this!
  24. kristo
    Mate, I think you are absolutely spot on. She has ALL the cards in the deck and to a point determines how this 'game' is being played. She knows that I adore her and would change my plans to accommodate her at the drop of a hat! Well previously anyway... I hope . It's the pulling you in and then leave you hanging that's the killer, isn't it?! Have you guy's both agreed to do no contact or is that just for you. If you have both agreed to do NC for a while, then she is bang out of order. On the other hand, if you both don't agree with the NC then you are at her mercy every time she contacts you. Do you get my drift? It appears that you are putting on a brave face like me. The problem with the LC (and the NC without telling them) strategy is that ultimately we are hurting ourselves, trying to protect our egos by living in hope and not communicating how we really feel. I think the best option for now (read easiest! ) is to go LC, which I think the strategy she has been using for the past 3 weeks, to an extent anyway. Like you, I'm not used to this NC thing and feel that I have to reply. I think I'm going to send what I previously stated, but then are we back again at square one? Hopefully KellBell will come online today give me a woman's perspective on this before I do anything. LC is the way forward with no expectations. Easier said than done though… I dread how I would feel if she said that she met someone else. Cheers, K
  25. kristo
    Hi Guy's…. I hate the mornings. I got up and this heaviness just hit me. It's her day off. Will she text me. It's her birthday in 3 weeks time and her mother is coming to visit her…shall I text her then or send her a card. Shall I write her a letter? Am I taking all of this too seriously? A thousand and one thoughts. Anyway's… I get a message on my phone. I was hoping it was her (as I have been for the last week!) and was a little surprised that it was her. KellBell you were right. She said "How r u sweetie? Is it strange living alone now? Hope u r good…kiss." Background… My brother has been living with me and he left to go work in New York last week. Nothing big, but clearly she is just finding out how I am. I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to ignore her text (i.e. break NC), but then I don't want to fall back into the "hanging on waiting for her to contact me" mode again. I was thinking of saying "I'm great… It's strange him not being around, but I will survive. Hope ur well! Kx". Short sweet and to the point. I suppose that way, I'm still letting her come to me (if she wants) and I'm not chasing her. What do you guy's think… any advice appreciated as always ;o) Thanks K
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