kristo

This is something that I found while perusing the "Diary of a recovering exboyfriend" topic I think I am starting to get it now. It is difficult to accept, but accept it I must. She probably has found someone else. I mean what would you do in her situation. I wish I had the guts to ask her if she has instead of just letting things slide into the ether...

Just venting... It's amazing how the mind works over analyzing, second-guessing; rationalizing and coming up with a myriad of conclusions. Just trying to ease the pain and discomfort and make sense of it all. It seems as if I've been subconsciously filtering out statements that she's made. Those seemingly innocuous statements have proved to be quite telling. That one time when she blew me out. She originally invited me over to her place and then when she didn't phone, I called her. She filled her day up and closed the call by saying "see you soon", I said "When soon?", and then we arranged to meet on the weekend. I remember feeling that the "See you soon" comment felt like a goodbye and said that to her. Why couldn't I see the signs then… right at the beginning of this sorry episode. Am I that stupid that I had to be blown out a number of times, before I could see that she had moved on or didn't want to go down that path with me? Where did my reasoning go? Probably fed by her uttering of love and devotion. She just started a new job and she would not have as much time as she did before. I knew that, I didn't pressure her. Seeing her once every 7 or 10 days for a 3 hours is not a lot of time, really is it?! But it has only been 6 days since I have seen/ spoken to her. Maybe, I am being unreasonable. I have given her the power to determine my happiness. KellBell is right… there is no right or wrong here. It just that she doesn't have the heart. On the other hand what is with all this flirting business, especially when I told her that I get jealous. I remember commenting to her that maybe I shouldn't have told her that, as she might use it as a secret weapon against me. Many a true word said in jest eh?! I invested my happiness in her. I used to say to her that I needed my "Linn drug", if I hadn't seen/ spoken to her for more than 5 days. I let her determine my well being. We met for lunch about a month ago. She showed me this letter that she started writing to her friend back home. I said "Why are you showing me this?", she said that it was about me. Clearly I don't speak German and said I wish I could. I said could she read it to me and she said no. Was she playing games with me then? However the pain that I'm feeling doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel legitimate like a break up, loss of friendship or death of a person close to me. Something doesn't feel right. There is no closure here. Should I write her a letter and give it to her in person the next time I see her. Am I blowing this out of all proportion? We were friends/ dating/ I don't know. Somewhere in between. I'm a straight talker and demonstrate my intentions through action of words. What would I do if I were in her shoes and didn't have the heart or had changed my mind about the other? I'm not sure, but I know what I wouldn't do. I didn't mind her kissing me on the cheek. It was the first time that she had done that and I got the message then. I didn't attempt to hold her hand or anything. In fact, most of the other times, she used to grab my hand. The signals hat she gave me in those last 2/3 weeks weren't clear .…the broken promises and meetings took some time to sink in, but how could I tell. She just started a new job and was busy. It was the flirting with the waiter/ hairdresser that I couldn't handle. Was she intentionally trying to hurt me? Is it easier to do this than be straight and say that she just wants friendship and wants to lead the single life. Was she forced to do this because I didn't get the message before? Now I am rationalizing her behaviour… But you know what, I feel a lot better now. K

Thanks for your words of encouragement and advice guy's. It really does help. I've had strong urges to contact her throughout the day, but I haven't. If I didn't have the support of this website, I would have probably contacted her and further degraded myself. One day at a time. Magamar… I know exactly how you feel. I was in a in a similar situation to yours a few years ago and got walked all over, but not this time. I don't think that I'm brave… just trying to do the right thing for me and to stop these waves of discomfort. If I was really brave, I suppose I would tell her that I refuse to be treated like this, , but I don't want her to know that this is affecting me. You know, I really do want to talk to her and for her to contact me. I really do. But in the cold light of day, I'm not sure when or if she will. Saying that, I can't let my dignity slide and phone/ text her again and again while she only responds to me. What do I say, "How was your week?", "What are you doing on X date?", knowing that reply will be another "I'm too tired, too ill or I'm doing a million and one other things and I don't like changing my plans". And if I'm lucky she will want to meet… but then I will probably have to endure another round of flirting or some 'keep me hanging' technique that she has in her arsenal. I suppose the attraction was that we did have a connection. We really did. So much so, that we had to break it off as I was in a relationship. The feeling was still there 6 months later when we resumed contact again. She really inspired me and me to her. She said that I was the driver and reason why she moved to London. In fact, before she came to the UK, I said that we should remain friends and that I didn't want to tie her down. I'm 33 and I've seen a lot of the world. She is 25 used to live rent free with her mother in a dead end job. She took no risks. 2 years before that she was in a loving 5 year relationship which she ended because she grew up and wanted more. Fair enough. Who was I to tie her down in a relationship when she is about to experience something new and step out of her comfort zone. I gave her space to find her feet and helped her find a job. However the words of love and adoration poured from HER lips and I let my guard down. I fell for her hard. My eyes have only been opened in the past couple of weeks. It's the excuses and game playing that I can't handle. I'm just remembering now…Just after we met a year ago she said that this boy was pursuing her and kept texting her. I asked her if she kissed him and she said "Yes" and "I don't know how I get into these situations". Clearly, I'm in one of these 'situations' now. I didn't see it coming unfortunately.

It's as clear as day now, but I am weakening at day 5 of NC. …This is the story so far. If you have a moment, you can read my first posting link removed I wasn't getting good signals from this girl that I was seeing, so I decided to seek some advice. The advice was to ask her if there was any "US" or do the "NC" thing. Well last week, I had 3 days off from work (Wed to Fri) and I knew that this girl I had been seeing had the Wed off. I tried to follow the advice of KellBell and RayKay and do the NC thing. Well that Wednesday morning, I couldn't really sleep and at 2:30am I wrote a text message to her asking if she wanted to meet. Well something stopped me from sending it and I woke up in the morning glad that I didn't send it. However I cracked and at around 11am I just picked up my phone and asked her if she wanted to meet for lunch today. As soon as I sent it I felt like crap and started getting anxious. She finally sent me a reply 2 hours later saying that she just had a long bath, was going sock shopping, as she had no socks (?), was going to the gym later and that she 'might' go out that night. She was basically saying that she had no time for me. I wasn't really sure how to reply, so I just said it was a shame that she didn't have time to see me, as I wanted to her and to phone me when she was less busy. If I don't get a reply then I know, if I do, then I have an opportunity to ask her where this is going. She responded by saying "Why didn't u ask me earlier. I don't like changing my plans. Sorry. I've not been feeling well all week. Maybe tomorrow?" I was so tempted to say the reason why I didn't ask earlier because I didn't see any point as she has changed plans for us to at the last minute 3 times over the last month anyway. I bit my tongue and said "No drama… call me when you free" To cut a long story short we meet for lunch the next day. I didn't think there was any point in asking about us, as there were three blatant signs that she wasn't really interested or was toying with me (I H8 that!) 1. She offered me her cheek to kiss when I met her 2. When we were in the restaurant, she was looking over my shoulder. I said what are you staring at. She said, "I'm flirting with the waiter", this 40 year old guy and not hot looking. I sat their poker faced and let out a laugh, as if I was laughing along with her joke she was a joking. I didn't let on that I was a little hurt by this. No strike that… not hurt but saddened by her behaviour. 3. We go into a salon so that she can get her hair dyed. I'm sitting next to her and she starts chatting to the hairdresser, as one normally does. Then she say's "Oh, you can be my hairdresser now. You will have to give me your number, so I can phone you when I need a hair cut". He reply's, yeah just phone the salon and book an appointment. She then asks him again saying that she needs his number, so that she can come in and get her hair cut next week. He was really professional and said just book an appointment at the front desk and asks for Miguel. Just as we leave she hangs back and say's bye, holding out for him to acknowledge her. He nods and we leave. I told her before that I do get a little jealous, which is slightly true, meaning that I won't act on it. I mean with my ex-girlfriend, in fact all but a couple of my ex's I would not get jealous. I trusted her implicitly and if we went out and I saw her talking to other guy's I would not get jealous. Key words here trust – not jealous. Lets make a mental note of that! So I have to go off and meet my brother, she starts flirting with me, I don't know, like grabbing my [Censored by Moderator] and putting her arms in mine. I wait for her to get the bus and I kiss her on the lips, like maybe 4 times. I say bye and walk away… and don't look back. She shouts out, "give me call soon" or something along those lines. I say yeah sure, with a hint of indifference. That was last Thursday and I was fine up until this morning. I dreamt of her last night face and have waves of wanting to text her and make contact. No in fact, I really want her to contact me so I can show her that she doesn't have that power over me anymore. So now I'm flitting between forgetting her, her contacting me and me sending her a message. It's getting worse now, checking my phone very 20 minutes. I phoned her on the work phone this morning (my number doesn't come up) and hung up after 2 rings. Clearly she isn't good for me, so why do I want to have contact with her. I think I gave her my heart too quickly, I don't know. Am I sick?? I felt so strong and now I feel so weak! Help! K

When she moved here, we decided not to rush into things, as I was just getting over my girlfriend (rebound) and I didn't want to crowd her, even though we had this connection thing for a while. Moreover, this is the first time that she has lived in a different country. I know what it's like to move to a different country… I grew up in the Mid West and moved to London when I was younger. Big change! You know what RayKay… I have thought about the other guy thing myself. She has her phone on silent, but then I have my phone on meeting (i.e. it buzzes when it I get a message or if someone is calling. However that's because I work in an office where loud ring tones are banned and I've always done this for years. She sent text to me on Monday saying that she ran out of credit on her phone and it was only a week ago that she put topped her phone up with call credit ($15 worth). Now I'm thinking it's all sounds very strange for someone that does not have a lot of friends here (her words not mine!). She was using a lot credit on her phone before, but that's when she was looking for a job. Now that she's working it doesn't make sense. She also deletes messages out of her phone, even if they are a day old. She told me that… I don't snoop on her. I'm ranting and fuelling my already active imagination… To tell you the truth, I'm scared to ask her straight out. When I'm with her, she does make me really happy and to lose the hope of having that happiness on a more or less regular basis scares me. I've only connected with someone on level like this 4 times in my life. I just need to let go of this romantic notion. Love is not a feeling, but an action… I know the drill. However, now I suppose this pales into comparison when I factor in the broken meetings, non-commitments and me constantly being aware if I have any new messages on my phone. I will exercise both options… I will follow yours and KellBells advice and wait for her to contact me. I will then ask her the next time I see her in person (if that happens), how she feels about me, where things go from here and if she is dating anyone else. You know, it feels a lot better, writing this out and talking about this. I feel a lot less anxious. Off to the gym now. Will let you guy's know how I get on! Thanks, K

Hi Kellbell, Thanks for your speedy response. I think I ultimately knew the answer to that, but needed another opinion and someone to give it to me straight. I will print out your reply so it's close at hand, should I ever think about contacting her or trying to justify why she can't make a definite commitment or 'forgets'. Now to put that NC rule into motion and fous on 'me'. Cheers, K

Ok guys… I have been dating this girl for about 2 months now. I met her a year ago and we started this email, phoning thing (she is from Germany), but it got out of hand as I had a girlfriend at the time and we were both getting emotionally attached. so we stopped contact. Ok.. with the girlfriend gone (4 months ago!) and her now living in London, we have seen each other a few times. Maybe once or twice a week at the most. When we do meet, I really make her happy and she does the same to me. We do connect on so many levels. Her friend even commented on the fact that she has this glow when she gets off the phone from me or has seen me. However, I have this gut feeling that she is not as interested in me, as much as I'm interested in her. Just looking at the past month, I find that I'm phoning her all the time and making plans to meet. Ok, fair enough she has just found work over here and her hours are slightly unsociable (11 am to 8:30pm) as she is tired when she gets in from work (her words not mine). I have been around the block a few times and I don't want to get into my old habit of excusing someone else behaviour if it's making me unhappy. For example…we met for a very late coffee two Fridays ago and she said lets make a deal and you pick me up after work on Sunday afternoon and we go for dinner. So Sunday rolls on and I meet her at work. She acts all surprised and said that she can't remember making a 'deal' to meet up. I said that I always keep my promises. Anyway, we had a really nice dinner and afternoon together and I went home. She said that she would like to see me on Wednesday night, as it's her day off. So Wednesday rolls on and I get no SMS from her so I decide to call. Anyway, she is out shopping and I say what are you doing later, bearing in mind that she wanted to see me. She mentioned something about going to the gym and some other stuff, but not about us meeting. Seems like she was keeping her options open. Anyway, she sends me a message later saying that her bet friend has come back from holiday and she wants to see her and that we will have to meet another time. So Friday night comes along, and we talk for about 30 minutes on the phone. She asks me what I'm doing tomorrow (i.e. Saturday night) and she says that she will be going out with her friend and maybe we can meet up in town, as I'm going out with my friends. She also asks me if I have any plans for Sunday as she has the day off and I say I don't. Please note, that she hasn't made a commitment to meet. So Saturday night comes and I get a sorry message saying that she is going to stay in and that she wont be coming out and that I should enjoy my night out. I reply by saying that maybe we can meet tomorrow? I didn't get a reply back. On Sunday I decided to send her a text and kept in pretty open ended. I mean if she didn't want to see me for any reason, all she had to do was say she had plans. Here is the text exchange: 25/9/05 @ 14:56 Hey Special... Do you wanna meet today or have u already made plans for Linn time or other stuff? X She replied: 25/9/05 @ 15:07 I'm not feeling to good to b honest. think I got food poison,cos feel like throw up, and my stomach is not good. could b some eggs I ate yday.at tesco..dizzy.. I replied 25/9/05 @ 15:31 hope u feel better soon. Drink plenty of water and rest... you know the drill. Now, I just had this feeling that she was avoiding me and didn't want to see me. Maybe I'm being paranoid and it is a bit difficult with the current situation that I'm in, but 3 words shot out at me "To be honest" . That sounds like some sort of excuse to fob me off, to put it bluntly. I mean was she not honest before. It is really a form of pleasantry or a way of buying time while one thinks of a suitable answer, in the same league as "come to think of it" or "one way and another". I promised myself that I would not contact her and let her contact me. She sent me a message asking whether I called her (she had a missed call) and asked how I was. I replied and broke my personal NC rule that I made yesterday. Now to the present. I asked my manager for the rest of the week off, as I've accrued 3 days in overtime this month., which needs to be used up as paid leave. Should I ask her tonight if she is free tomorrow or should I just wait till she contacts me. Her regular off day is Wednesday. So what do I do? Should I ask her if she has any plans tomorrow and wants to see me? Or am I being too pushy? Should I wait for her to contact me or just let her go now? As you can see, I'm confused and feel like I'm going crazy. I also keep checking my phone to see if she has left any messages every 30 minutes (even though my phone works perfectly well). Cheers, K