w_maxell
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Posts
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Thanks for the advice. It's just that I thought I was on my way to healing. But her admitting in not so many words that she cheated on me last weekend, really set me back. She's on my mind again. Memories are flooding back in. Every now and then she asks if i have forgiven her. Usually, I sidestepped the question, but last weekend, i told her that i don't know if i can ever forgive her. She keeps telling me to move on and to keep away from her but now she is apologizing......
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After all the verbal abuse that she gave me last weekend, I wake up today with a message on my phone. She is apologizing for all the bad things that she told me last weekend. She is asking where I am. I haven't replied....... Why is it that after all that she did, the lying, the cheating.... a part of me still loves her.... I must really be stupid.....
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Its been 8 months since she left me. I was getting closer to moving on with my life. Then last weekend, she sent me a cryptic message. She was asking if I have forgiven her for what she did and hoped that I did. She then tells that now she is suffering for the pain that she has caused me. I shouldn't have cared and just ignored the message but I didn't. I called her up and asked what was happening. She then tells me that her current bf (the guy that i suspected from the start) beats her up when they fight. I told her to leave him but says she can't because he threatened to tell her parents that she has been living with him for the past 9 months (a big no-no here in our country). Yes, she cheated on me, she finally admitted it. She started living with him a month after I left the country for a vacation. Thats why when I came back there was a coldness in her. Explanations and excuses that didn't make any sense. She lied to me. Used me. Three weeks after coming back she dropped me like a stone. I don't know why but I still tried to help her which just ended in us fighting. She said things that was really hurtful. After 8 mos., i didn't expect to feel this way and yet here i am again. She now tells me to stay away from her, that she will fix this herself. I'm torn between wanting to help her and just not doing anything about it.
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autumn99, I know what you mean. I could never be friends with my exs as long as I still feel something for them. I still love her so when she said I hope we can still be friends. I never responded to it. Because I tried it initially, a month after we broke up and it was really painful. I was actually doing pretty well until the Christmas season arrived. Somehow I started to regress. No urge to get it touch but an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I just keep thinking that she doesn't even think about me anymore and yet that very thought makes me sad. That she could just move on like that as if nothing ever happened.
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You really believe that everything happens for a reason? Everyone keeps on saying that to me. I'm attending a wedding tomorrow and I fear that she might go. What I can't understand is that she told me not to talk to any of her friends. She even told her friends to ignore me and yet out of the blue, she tried to be chummy with my friends. Friends that she told me that she never liked. If I see her at the wedding I'm so tempted to go up to her and tell her to go and leave. But a good friend told me to just be a gentleman and do nothing. I pray that she doesn't go.
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Everyone will tell you only time will take the pain away. Its true. It still hurts for me but I admit its not as bad as it was 5 months ago. Yes, I still miss her and I still love her but the pain has lessened. Why don't you give her the space that she seems to be looking for. It would also give you time to think what you really want.
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Thanks. I don't know if this is the worst stage of the break-up, but i do know its definitely better than what i was feeling 3 mos. ago even though i still get depressed. You are right, I'd love to share all this with my ex. I've come to terms that things do not always happens as you want them to. I've never been an envious person. My friends have bigger houses, more cars, more money etc etc...... but what I do envy from them is that they have their own families. That they ended up with their first girlfriends or boyfriends. That they are with someone who could accept them for who they are. Who has faith in them.
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With Christmas and now New Year coming, I'm keep thinking of her. Of the fun times that we had together. How I could be with her now. I haven't talked to her in a month now and she texted me saying that "I hope we could still be friends," I never replied, I wanted to but didn't. I thought she was the one, was hoping she was the one. I went to my friends annual Christmas party. We were complete. Everyone was there. It was a happy occasion but at the same time I felt sad. I don't want to see her, talk to her or have any form of contact with her because I know that if I do, I'll just have a "breakdown" but I really miss her. These past few months have really brought me so many new opportunities in terms of business ventures. Putting up another restaurant, exporting seafoods worldwide... so forth and so on and yet something is just missing. Yes, its good money but money isn't everything for me. I'll trade these opportunities to be just with her again......... I just feel so empty. Everyday I act as if everything is all right when i'm with my friends and family. I even have a smile on my face. Deep inside, I'm still hurting. And everytime I'm alone, I let my mask down and let my real feelings show. Just had to vent this....
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Just send a card wishing and thanking them. A short message would be more appropriate that the one that you want to send.
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Its been a rollercoaster ride this past few days. Its been a week since i text messaged her to respect my space. I've had no reaction from her whatsoever. Not that I was expecting any but somehow i did. I've gotten over the urges to call or text her. Everyday these urges become less and less. But I really miss her and I keep thinking of her. I still keep thinking of the what ifs and still blame myself, which i know i shouldn't Last weekend, I went diving with some friends. I wanted to get my mind of things. But when I was at the resort, I can't help but think of her. This was the same time last year that we were there and the same people were there as well. Memories just came flooding back. Thankfully, once underwater, I forgot about it and was able to concentrate on the dive. On the way up however it came back. There was a part of the dive were we had to do a safety stop before we could surface and since water visibility was limited to 30 feet, everywhere I looked, I saw emptiness. I felt so alone at that time. I miss her so much. I wish we could get back together again. She told my friend that she doesn't want me back that she has asked me to move on. Which was so different from what she tells me. That there is still a possbility of us getting back but not now. Of me not disappearing from her life. So many contradictions. I am so confused. I just wished that if she doesn't want me anymore, she should just say it to my face and not tell it to my friends. Then she proceeds to tell them how much her mom loves me. I've realized that I shouldn't care what she says or doesn't say. They are just words, people can say i love you and never show it. Actions speaks louder than words. If she does want to come back, she'll find a way. I'll deal with it if the time comes. I'll cross the proverbial bridge when i get there. But i will not expect, I will go on living my life. I gave too much of myself, its time that I start thinking about myself. Sorry, just had to write my thoughts. I've burned out all my friends talking about this. Just needed to vent things and organize my mind.
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I sorry for what happened. Hope things get better for you. A friend told me that we should stop reacting to things that our exs say especially if they are the ones that broke up with us. Everytime we react, they know they still have a hold on us. They know that we still care, because if we really don't care anymore, we wouldn't react at all. That is what i use to tell my ex when we were still together. She would always ask, why am i always concerned for her, why do i always react when she does things that i disapprove of. My answer, the day i stop reacting, is the day i stop caring........
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I know.... somehow i can't seem to trust them that way again.
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Its been a week since that joke was played on me. I send her a text message last tuesday to stay away from my friends, i know its petty but i figure i needed it to heal. I told her that now is the time for her to respect my space because i needed to heal. I also said that my time in her life has passed and that I have come to accept that already. I felt that this letter was burning all hope that i still had within me. Like i was finally cutting the ties that connected me to her. I didn't her expect to respond but i wish she had... to show a reaction maybe good or bad but she never did. Sending that message was one of the hardest thing for me to do. Truth be told, I still love her, I still hope that we can get back to together. I was sad and am still sad now...... I don't want to use the term empty but that is how i feel right now..... an emptiness that has somehow desensitize me from all this. I feel numb.....I had to do something that I didn't want to do but knew i had to do..... I sent it with a heavy heart mindful of the consequences, that she will think that i gave up on her that i didn't fight for her...... maybe she did want me to fight for her or maybe she just wanted me to move on. Her words contradicted her actions and her actions contradicted her words. And in those contradictions, I end up hoping... maybe just maybe there is still a chance. But I have come to realize that this can't go on forever, I cling to the memories... but they are just that, memories..... memories of the past..... of what was but of what is not now. I have to live in the now and not in the past. I spend time with friends... I want to cry.. to release all this... but somehow I can't.....
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And yet I'm waiting for a call the may never come or a text message that may never be sent...... I envy my friend who got over his ex in a months time. Of course he spent like $30,000 buying drugs and gadgets to forget. But its not my lifestyle.....
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What really screws me up is that they are the last of my single friends. These are the friends I go out with, the ones I hang out with to forget about her. She knows this, and now my only refuge has been violated. I feel that she is purposely doing this so that I don't forget about her (I've been doing NC for a month now). While she was explaining her side, she explained to them why it happened, how she just got her independence, meeting new people... the freedom that she just attained by living alone..... the broadening of her horizons that there was much more to it....how she got scared when i proposed to her..... She tells them that she's been hinting to me to move on but doesn't tell them that she tells me words to make me hope. She says "Bahala ka, if you want to move on." In my country when you tell a person "Bahala ka," it mean literally "Up to you." Also you say it when you are giving the other person a choice but hope that they wouldn't do it. Also the thought that she would find time to hang out with my friends when she wouldn't even give me the time of day a few weeks before we broke up brings back those painful memories. I felt like a toy that was played and thrown away after getting tired of being played with. These things, I have in some ways learned to accept. It hurts really bad to know that a person whom you gave your heart to, suddenly have doubts to whether you are the one. It hurts but you can't force someone to love you and I don't want a relationship were my partner doesn't feel the same way. Little by little i try to move on, I 've been dating. Now, everything seems so screwed up again. My world has been rocked again.
