w_maxell
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Thanks for the advice. It's just that I thought I was on my way to healing. But her admitting in not so many words that she cheated on me last weekend, really set me back. She's on my mind again. Memories are flooding back in. Every now and then she asks if i have forgiven her. Usually, I sidestepped the question, but last weekend, i told her that i don't know if i can ever forgive her. She keeps telling me to move on and to keep away from her but now she is apologizing......
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After all the verbal abuse that she gave me last weekend, I wake up today with a message on my phone. She is apologizing for all the bad things that she told me last weekend. She is asking where I am. I haven't replied....... Why is it that after all that she did, the lying, the cheating.... a part of me still loves her.... I must really be stupid.....
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Its been 8 months since she left me. I was getting closer to moving on with my life. Then last weekend, she sent me a cryptic message. She was asking if I have forgiven her for what she did and hoped that I did. She then tells that now she is suffering for the pain that she has caused me. I shouldn't have cared and just ignored the message but I didn't. I called her up and asked what was happening. She then tells me that her current bf (the guy that i suspected from the start) beats her up when they fight. I told her to leave him but says she can't because he threatened to tell her parents that she has been living with him for the past 9 months (a big no-no here in our country). Yes, she cheated on me, she finally admitted it. She started living with him a month after I left the country for a vacation. Thats why when I came back there was a coldness in her. Explanations and excuses that didn't make any sense. She lied to me. Used me. Three weeks after coming back she dropped me like a stone. I don't know why but I still tried to help her which just ended in us fighting. She said things that was really hurtful. After 8 mos., i didn't expect to feel this way and yet here i am again. She now tells me to stay away from her, that she will fix this herself. I'm torn between wanting to help her and just not doing anything about it.
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autumn99, I know what you mean. I could never be friends with my exs as long as I still feel something for them. I still love her so when she said I hope we can still be friends. I never responded to it. Because I tried it initially, a month after we broke up and it was really painful. I was actually doing pretty well until the Christmas season arrived. Somehow I started to regress. No urge to get it touch but an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I just keep thinking that she doesn't even think about me anymore and yet that very thought makes me sad. That she could just move on like that as if nothing ever happened.
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You really believe that everything happens for a reason? Everyone keeps on saying that to me. I'm attending a wedding tomorrow and I fear that she might go. What I can't understand is that she told me not to talk to any of her friends. She even told her friends to ignore me and yet out of the blue, she tried to be chummy with my friends. Friends that she told me that she never liked. If I see her at the wedding I'm so tempted to go up to her and tell her to go and leave. But a good friend told me to just be a gentleman and do nothing. I pray that she doesn't go.
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Everyone will tell you only time will take the pain away. Its true. It still hurts for me but I admit its not as bad as it was 5 months ago. Yes, I still miss her and I still love her but the pain has lessened. Why don't you give her the space that she seems to be looking for. It would also give you time to think what you really want.
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Thanks. I don't know if this is the worst stage of the break-up, but i do know its definitely better than what i was feeling 3 mos. ago even though i still get depressed. You are right, I'd love to share all this with my ex. I've come to terms that things do not always happens as you want them to. I've never been an envious person. My friends have bigger houses, more cars, more money etc etc...... but what I do envy from them is that they have their own families. That they ended up with their first girlfriends or boyfriends. That they are with someone who could accept them for who they are. Who has faith in them.
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With Christmas and now New Year coming, I'm keep thinking of her. Of the fun times that we had together. How I could be with her now. I haven't talked to her in a month now and she texted me saying that "I hope we could still be friends," I never replied, I wanted to but didn't. I thought she was the one, was hoping she was the one. I went to my friends annual Christmas party. We were complete. Everyone was there. It was a happy occasion but at the same time I felt sad. I don't want to see her, talk to her or have any form of contact with her because I know that if I do, I'll just have a "breakdown" but I really miss her. These past few months have really brought me so many new opportunities in terms of business ventures. Putting up another restaurant, exporting seafoods worldwide... so forth and so on and yet something is just missing. Yes, its good money but money isn't everything for me. I'll trade these opportunities to be just with her again......... I just feel so empty. Everyday I act as if everything is all right when i'm with my friends and family. I even have a smile on my face. Deep inside, I'm still hurting. And everytime I'm alone, I let my mask down and let my real feelings show. Just had to vent this....
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Just send a card wishing and thanking them. A short message would be more appropriate that the one that you want to send.
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Its been a rollercoaster ride this past few days. Its been a week since i text messaged her to respect my space. I've had no reaction from her whatsoever. Not that I was expecting any but somehow i did. I've gotten over the urges to call or text her. Everyday these urges become less and less. But I really miss her and I keep thinking of her. I still keep thinking of the what ifs and still blame myself, which i know i shouldn't Last weekend, I went diving with some friends. I wanted to get my mind of things. But when I was at the resort, I can't help but think of her. This was the same time last year that we were there and the same people were there as well. Memories just came flooding back. Thankfully, once underwater, I forgot about it and was able to concentrate on the dive. On the way up however it came back. There was a part of the dive were we had to do a safety stop before we could surface and since water visibility was limited to 30 feet, everywhere I looked, I saw emptiness. I felt so alone at that time. I miss her so much. I wish we could get back together again. She told my friend that she doesn't want me back that she has asked me to move on. Which was so different from what she tells me. That there is still a possbility of us getting back but not now. Of me not disappearing from her life. So many contradictions. I am so confused. I just wished that if she doesn't want me anymore, she should just say it to my face and not tell it to my friends. Then she proceeds to tell them how much her mom loves me. I've realized that I shouldn't care what she says or doesn't say. They are just words, people can say i love you and never show it. Actions speaks louder than words. If she does want to come back, she'll find a way. I'll deal with it if the time comes. I'll cross the proverbial bridge when i get there. But i will not expect, I will go on living my life. I gave too much of myself, its time that I start thinking about myself. Sorry, just had to write my thoughts. I've burned out all my friends talking about this. Just needed to vent things and organize my mind.
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I sorry for what happened. Hope things get better for you. A friend told me that we should stop reacting to things that our exs say especially if they are the ones that broke up with us. Everytime we react, they know they still have a hold on us. They know that we still care, because if we really don't care anymore, we wouldn't react at all. That is what i use to tell my ex when we were still together. She would always ask, why am i always concerned for her, why do i always react when she does things that i disapprove of. My answer, the day i stop reacting, is the day i stop caring........
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I know.... somehow i can't seem to trust them that way again.
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Its been a week since that joke was played on me. I send her a text message last tuesday to stay away from my friends, i know its petty but i figure i needed it to heal. I told her that now is the time for her to respect my space because i needed to heal. I also said that my time in her life has passed and that I have come to accept that already. I felt that this letter was burning all hope that i still had within me. Like i was finally cutting the ties that connected me to her. I didn't her expect to respond but i wish she had... to show a reaction maybe good or bad but she never did. Sending that message was one of the hardest thing for me to do. Truth be told, I still love her, I still hope that we can get back to together. I was sad and am still sad now...... I don't want to use the term empty but that is how i feel right now..... an emptiness that has somehow desensitize me from all this. I feel numb.....I had to do something that I didn't want to do but knew i had to do..... I sent it with a heavy heart mindful of the consequences, that she will think that i gave up on her that i didn't fight for her...... maybe she did want me to fight for her or maybe she just wanted me to move on. Her words contradicted her actions and her actions contradicted her words. And in those contradictions, I end up hoping... maybe just maybe there is still a chance. But I have come to realize that this can't go on forever, I cling to the memories... but they are just that, memories..... memories of the past..... of what was but of what is not now. I have to live in the now and not in the past. I spend time with friends... I want to cry.. to release all this... but somehow I can't.....
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And yet I'm waiting for a call the may never come or a text message that may never be sent...... I envy my friend who got over his ex in a months time. Of course he spent like $30,000 buying drugs and gadgets to forget. But its not my lifestyle.....
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What really screws me up is that they are the last of my single friends. These are the friends I go out with, the ones I hang out with to forget about her. She knows this, and now my only refuge has been violated. I feel that she is purposely doing this so that I don't forget about her (I've been doing NC for a month now). While she was explaining her side, she explained to them why it happened, how she just got her independence, meeting new people... the freedom that she just attained by living alone..... the broadening of her horizons that there was much more to it....how she got scared when i proposed to her..... She tells them that she's been hinting to me to move on but doesn't tell them that she tells me words to make me hope. She says "Bahala ka, if you want to move on." In my country when you tell a person "Bahala ka," it mean literally "Up to you." Also you say it when you are giving the other person a choice but hope that they wouldn't do it. Also the thought that she would find time to hang out with my friends when she wouldn't even give me the time of day a few weeks before we broke up brings back those painful memories. I felt like a toy that was played and thrown away after getting tired of being played with. These things, I have in some ways learned to accept. It hurts really bad to know that a person whom you gave your heart to, suddenly have doubts to whether you are the one. It hurts but you can't force someone to love you and I don't want a relationship were my partner doesn't feel the same way. Little by little i try to move on, I 've been dating. Now, everything seems so screwed up again. My world has been rocked again.
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I just talked to my "friends", they were sorry for what they did and i sent a really long text message to my ex, expressing disappointment at what she did. She sent 3 different messages a couple of hours apart. Saying how truly sorry she was and how it was her fault. She was asking me to forgive her even though she doesn't expect me to. She know that i am so mad and that she didn't want to ruin my birthday. I responded to none of them. Then she called... don't know why but i picked up my phone. She just wanted to ask if I received her messages. I said yes. She then asked why haven't i responded to it... Told her in a voice that was semi cold that "I don't know what to say". She asked how my birthday went along. I told her that i had dinner with family and was about to go out to meet friends for some drinks. Couldn't resist so i asked her how she was, she said that she was going out with her friend anne and I said well have fun and said bye. What I don't understand is why after so long will she try to be close to my friends. She never liked them that much and she even hardly spent any time with them. And now she felt the need to explain her side to them and trying to be close to them after all these months since we broke up in July. What is she up to??? She tells them, why it happened which pretty much jived with what i told them. But she also told them that she had asked me to move on by hinting that I can start seeing other women. What she didn't say that in that same breath she told me that she didn't want me out of her life, that she hasn't closed the door on us and that she needs time to think it through. That she is not stopping me from hoping. She then starts asking them if i was dating and if it was true that i went to a popular beach resort here in our country alone. Well at least my friends had the sense not to tell her anything. The next day her mom and sister texted me to greet me a belated happy birthday. I was surprised and could only assume that she told them about my birthday the day before. I couldn't help ask what for???, I mean what is she trying to do. Then after a couple of hours the mom sent a message through text "kamusta na kayo ng anak ko'" which roughly translates to "how are you and my daughter doing?" to which i replied "I don't know. I really don't get to talk or see her." This past weekend really screwed me up again. It had me thinking again. Does she want to come back????? What does she want from all this???? Why the sudden need to explain her side and try to be close with my friends whom she didn't like in the first place when 4 months have passed????? Why tell her family it was my birthday????? Why did the mom start asking about us???????? Its driving me nuts. I know i shouldn't care... but i still do......
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Thanks!!! I know and I made it clear to them that it wasn't that funny. I've had NC for 3 weeks, though we broke up 4 months ago but remained in contact as if we were together. Thought I could handle it at that time. Boy was I wrong. These past 3 weeks made me realize so many things. Things that my family and friends were saying. Things that i should have heeded but turned a blind eye to because i was in love with her. I remembered how she kept comparing me to her ex. Ignored it. How she would hardly say I love you. Ignored it. How she wanted to change this or change that in me. Tried to change. In the end, I realized that she was molding me into someone that I wasn't. How she couldn't accept me for who I am. The signs were there but I ignored it. I felt used and now that she is successful in her career and meeting new people, I am being discarded. She started to doubt her love for me. I could look at it from the half full or half empty point of view. But I choose to look at it half-full. Better she doubted her love for me now than several years down the road. If she decides that I was the one, will I take her back? My answer is I don't know because right now, I still love her.
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Right now, I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I feel betrayed by my friends. They should have known better than to do what they did last night. To top it off i was feeling so depressed last night because the next day would be my birthday. I missed having to be with her and i started reminiscing about our times together. Then they just had to do this. Of course they all forgot it was my birthday. Sad, sad day for me today......
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Last night my friends played a really bad joke on me. They knew that I am still not over my ex. I was on YM when my ex appeared online with the status saying "Guess where i am....", then my friend goes online with the status "I know where"...... My fault I fell for it and ask him.... he then loads a picture of her and all of them at the condo. Then suddenly goes of line and would not answer my calls.... I feel such a fool for falling for it. I called her and she denies that she was there at the party though my other friend already confirmed that she was. What is with all the lies???? It really ruined my night. I know i shouldn't care but i still do...... The past few weeks prior to this has got me thinking and I confirmed most of it from my friends who she has told her side of story. As painful as it was, I was rebound. I should have known, she coming out from a 4 year relationship barely 5 months before us. But i fell for her. She found me boring, I admit, I'm an introvert and she is a extrovert. She found me too square while her last ex was too psycho. She wanted someone in between. More adventurous, affectionate and more ambition. And when she started working in a corporate environment she started to doubt her love for me. She realized that there were others out there with different kinds of personalities. I blamed myself for not doing enough but i realized that had she truly loved me then she would have tried to make it work. And yet i still hold on....why??? why am i doing this to myself??? why do i still love her???
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Last night my friends played a really bad joke on me. They knew that I am still not over my ex. I was on YM when my ex appeared online with the status saying "Guess where i am....", then my friend goes online with the status "I know where"...... My fault I fell for it and ask him.... he then loads a picture of her and all of them at the condo. Then suddenly goes offline and would not answer my calls.... I feel such a fool for falling for it. I called her and she denies that she was there at the party though my other friend already confirmed that she was. What is with all the lies???? It really ruined my night. I know i shouldn't care but i still do...... The past few weeks prior to this has got me thinking and I confirmed most of it from my friends who she has told her side of story. As painful as it was, I was rebound. I should have known, she coming out from a 4 year relationship barely 5 months before us. But i fell for her. She found me boring, I admit, I'm an introvert and she is a extrovert. She found me too square while her last ex was too psycho. She wanted someone in between. More adventurous, affectionate and more ambition. And when she started working in a corporate environment she started to doubt her love for me. She realized that there were others out there with different kinds of personalities. I blamed myself for not doing enough but i realized that had she truly loved me then she would have tried to make it work. And yet i still hold on....why??? why am i doing this to myself??? why do i still love her???
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Wait or not to wait, what should i do
w_maxell replied to w_maxell's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Thanks for the inputs. Yes I am familiar with "She wants her cake and eat it too" thats what my friends are telling. Call me crazy or stupid but I always believed in second chances. My mind tells me to move on but my heart tells me otherwise. There was even a point where the guy she was dating called me up asking what was going on between me and my ex. I told him its none of his business and asked him why. He told me he wanted to find out if he was just being an obstacle to the two of us, to which i replied that is not my concern, you talk to her. I don't know how it is in other countries but in mine, doing things like that is a big no no. When my friends found out about it they offered to have him jailed on whatever trumped up charges i want. It was tempting but i said no. People tell me that I should look at it as a blessing that it happened now rather than 3 or 4 years down the road. But nevertheless it is very painful. She said that she gotten really scared when I told her that we should get engaged (I know, it my fault for bringing it up). And that she was not ready for it and that is what scares her. She knows that if she commits to our relationship, it will lead to marriage in a year. To be fair to her, she started dating after we broke up and I did too. She told me she was confused and that we went into the relationship really fast (She had just broken up with her bf of 4 years, 4 months earlier). I guess I was the rebound boy. And being apart for 2 mos. while I was in the US made her think about things. She tells me that the one year is for her to find out if she is ready to be in a relationship in general and not if she would want to end up with me but at the same time, she is not closing the door on us. She knows that I really do love her and I have proved it to her many times especially when I stuck it out with her after learning that she has this "condition" related to her health. Her mom even tells her to spend time with me. I am actually liked by her parents but I told her that if that is the only reason you would go out with me then forget it. Everyday I wake up constantly battling with myself. To move on or not to runs on my mind everyday. I try to keep busy but its hard when you have your own business that is running really well without you being needed everyday. I really miss her and I long to be back with her. Everyday is a struggle to not call, text or see her. -
My gf of eight months broke off with me a few weeks after I returned from the US. She said she wanted time and space from me. And that she was not ready to have a serious commitment yet. It really broke my heart. I didn't know what i did wrong, I was as giving and loving as a person can be. You see we have a 7 year age gap. She is 25 and my friends all tell me that she just wants to have fun first and not settle. And getting that new job of hers really opened up her horizons (she use to work for her ex of four years). After we broke up, we would still see each other and go to family affairs(in our culture being invited to family affairs is a big thing especially if the parents are the one inviting). I thought I could handle it at first but i then decided to tell her that we really shouldn't see each other anymore. That is when she asked me to give her a year to think, to make up her mind, since she is confused right now. I found out that she was dating someone and she said that she was just hanging out with him because they are of like mind (almost the same age). That with him and the other guys she is dating, there is no pressure to settle, while with me she feels that there is the pressure to marry. I wanted her to tell me that is all over but she said that she doesn't want me out of her life and that she is not stopping me from hoping and that she hasn't closed the possibility of us getting back together again. But if I wanted to move on, its up to me. Problem is, she knows i can't because she knows that I really love her and that i tend to hope unless the other party tells me otherwise. All my friends tell me to move and if we were really meant to be, things will fall into place. Should I wait for her to decide (no guarantees) or move on?
