Caterina

You're doing the right thing. Its brave of you.

I have a little problem. It might seem petty to you, but it bothers me. I have an online journal that I have invested a lot of time and energy into. It has a lot of personal thoughts that after many unveiling of layers still wouldn't be shown to the public. Not that I think that my thoughts are that significant, but there are certain ways that I want to portray myself/be percieved that if personal thoughts were read, would not be there. A friend of mine recently told me that a friend of hers has been talking about me. This friend is a good friend of mine...but she is even closer to the other friend. I don't think its right...I only found out b/c I coaxed it out of her. I am a very intuitional person...I can tell if someone dislikes me. I feel like I've made a lot of sacrifices to have friends. I have had to settle for a lot of friends who don't understand me because I haven't met anyone who shares my interests and are up to my level in those interests. To be rejected sort of hurts my pride, especially after you consider that I am settling in the first place. Anyhow, my online journal has her friend added to it. I don't know why, but half of the people on my online journal aren't really friends and 25% of those are merely acquaintances. Whenever people added themselves to my list, I added them back because I didn't want them to feel rejected. I've had them on there for a while. There is a feature that can block them from reading, but sometimes I forget to turn it on. When I make a friends-only post, I have a certain set of people in mind. I like sympathetic, extremely sensitive, poetic people. I don't like people who trample over others in any way and I think most people are horribly overly desensitized because life is so hard. By removing these people, I think there would be an unnecessary amount of problems because to them it would be a blatant action of rejection. So should I still do it? Maybe its petty, maybe it doesn't matter... Do you think this is a bigger issue...maybe I am too caught up in what other people think about me. Recently my grandmother passed away and I haven't really known how to handle it if only because no one has died in my family before. I have such a work-oriented routine driven life and haven't been able to meet any like-minded people. THe people at my work are nice enough, but they don't share my interests. I have one, single friend who shares my interests and mutually understands me and is still in my life. I had another one, a best friend, but she got married and that ended. I am a lonely, deppressed person. Not suicidal- suicide is stupid to me, plus I like living even when life is horrible, plus I'm too cowardice to kill myself anyways. Mostly, my life right now is defined by apathy. I am sick of the constant demands and I am sick of the constant attacks. I want nothing more then an understanding ear. Which seems like such a joke.

Its pretty amusing that people say that they only like people from certain regions...its really hard sometimes to tell what someone's race is. First of all, there is not such thing as race...there are merely general cultural/ethnic distinctions, but even those are often blurred. Like me- people often have trouble figuring out my ethnic background. I'm about as white as you get, Irish, but people have thought that I was Hispanic or Jewish or Persian because of my very thick dark hair and facial features. I don't even know why this is up for debate...anyone who says that they have an ethnic preference, to me, when boiled down will show themselves as being racist. This is pretty sad since racism has caused so many tragedies...so many genocides have taken place because people thought the need to "ethnically purify" a location should happen. You aren't that far from that when you claim to prefer one race/ethnic group over another unless it has to do with religion or language/culture. People condition themselves to have certain preferences.

I don't know what to do about the babysitter, thats so horrible... I do, however, understand the terror that originates in the instability of being a child who was not protected from the cruelty of other children. The fear and shame starts partially you, but is more certainly derived from the circumstances you faced while a student. One thing that has been very difficult for me and yet very clarifying is to think of all people as being severely flawed, including myself. See, my temporary, freeing way of coping used to be to point fingers...but to realize that a part of me is also cruel (perhaps not naturally in the same way as they are, though) makes me realize that forgiveness is the best way to freedom. Since I want to be forgiven for the terrible thoughts/things that I casually/not so casually did in life. However, if you can separate from people like this, DO IT. If its possible to stay away from them, you'll be a lot healthier and a lot less anxious. People like that are evil and they are everywhere. If you can't get away from them, you have to be tough, but if you can avoid it, its even better. Never resort to being like them...make sure you are always a kinder person...always the better person. The shame is something that they made you feel but it originates in no true thing. You have no reason to feel ashamed of anything.

Of course I'd date outside my race...I'm not an ethnocentric racist.

How do you get a tracker?

Thanks...maybe I need to put myself out there more and get over my social anxiety.

I realized last night that I'm immensely lonely and that I blame others. I have reached out for friends and have been betrayed. I have never met someone who will love me for the good and the bad. Granted, there are not many that I'd love for the good and the bad. I don't connect with my friends down here and I don't connect with my family. I have virtually no one. The first people who'd know that I died would be my employers. Everyone else might find out in a month. Jeez, even if I wanted to commit suicide to prove a point, no one would even get it. I guess thats for the better though. I have been abandoned by people that I devoted myself to. My friends moved into a link removed of five girls. One of them is a girl that said terrible things about me...I've since concluded that she has mental problems and that she shouldn't really be blamed...she leaves me alone, now, anyways. Her fiance, is what I call a faux link removed...it was very easy for him to drop the friendship I had with him...I consider him a betrayer to this day. Anyone who would do that to a link removed I consider less. Thing is, he's comparitively better then most when it comes to morality...which, considering what he did is pretty pathetically sad for humanity. There is this one girl in the link removed who constantly yells at me. I met her a month ago, and she doesn't even know me and is one of those people who think that they have the right to yell at you. I understand that she comes from a bad background but I hate the sound of my name on her lips because its always said in a harsh tone. Funny, its about the only time I hear people say my name anymore. I'm defined by my link removed. I'm going to stay away from their link removed. I was so close to my best link removed. Now, she and I rarely talk...every time she calls (once a year), I really just feel like a burden. I know she cares and I know its normal because now she's married, but come on. I don't think I even know what to say when she calls anymore. I guess I'm selfish. My family is wrong on so many levels and yet they are there for me....they don't come close to understanding me, thats for sure. Every guy I've dated has tried to either control or abuse me. I'm sensitive but the world has treated me anything but sensitively. Its like I've been in constant training for YOUR LIFE IS CRAP 101. I guess there is a remedy for this...there really is and it calls to me. Even at the end of ranting there is hope. I can't completely point fingers because of that.

Every guy I've dated was willing to cut porn out of his life if it was there or never had it there in the first place. Guys will press for what you put up with. If they like you enough, its a lie that they won't change.

I'm over mind games. I'm also over being lead on. I've had it happen before where a guy would act like he was interested in me, and then never ask me out. When I showed interest back, they would pull away. My main goal in life is not to feed the ego of some guy who has such low self esteem that he has to go looking for girls that he can pretend to be interested in. Don't compliment me, don't call me all the time, don't ask for my advice, don't flirt with me if you don't like me. WHy do guys do this? Do they just want to see if they can get you? DId they meet someone that they deem as "better"? Whatever, but leave me out of your silly pathetic internal conflicts about me, which really DON'T concern me. Just be upfront!!!

I wouldn't put up with that either.

She sounds like she's scared that you are going to pressure her to involve herself too deeply in a relationship before she's ready...meaning, her job takes up a lot of her time so she might be giving you a heads up that she will put her job before you...it probably caused her relationship problems in the past.

You don't know that someone would ask for it more and more. True love is willing to put up with little insecurities, anyways. If he thinks its true, he shouldn't be with you and if he has to lie to you then he shouldn't be with you.

Thats an interesting idea...I have a few male friends, but they haven't really worked out when it comes to having enough chemistry for an actual relationship.

You're like me. You need to realize that when PMSing you need rest and quiet as much as possible. Its probably better to avoid people even if you feel compelled to be with people...since you know you'll only end up lashing out.

Oh god this sounds so much like me. I just want a guy to like me for who I am, and a guy can't do that by rushing into insta-love with me. I want to get to know someone slowly and for us to fall for each other slowly. I always have the needy guy or the player guy also. I don't sleep with any guys because of the complicated power of sex though...I think that those player types are ridiculously amusing and its always hilarious to drop them after I've gotten them to pay for food and they haven't gotten any of the sex that they wanted. Since they only wanted that, I don't see it as too bad of an exchange lol. I've got the same problem so I can't help much, sorry.

I have the same preferences for men and women, weird.

I think that thin guys are hot. Unless they hunch/have bad posture. ALthough, one reason women might not like thinner guys is because a lot of women like to feel delicate and if they are around the same size or even a little bit bigger as the guy, its harder that way. Women like to feel protected. What kind of women throw themselves at you? How are they unattractive? Does their attractiveness have to do with size? I don't really throw myself at any guy because I hate risking rejection...I just let them come to me. But I'm about the same weight as you are except that I'm 5'6"...I have dated a lot of guys who are the same weight as I am, but not all guys are attracted to girls who are my size. Just kind of scared me b/c I tend to be attracted to thin guys but you say all the girls attracted to thin guys are unattractive, it seemed.

I think she sounds like a jerk...and that its good that she isn't in your life. She breaks up with you and then ims you randomly about your beliefs and then immediately leaves. No questions about how you've been or anything. Wow, thats some sensitivity there.

When/if I complain about my weight, the last thing I want to hear from the guy I'm with is something about disciplining myself. I'd kill him. Just because someone is complaining doesn't mean that they want to hear about how they can "fix it" from the peanut gallery. They want sympathy and more importantly, assurance that its not true that they are fat.

I think that girls sometimes listen to other girls. If they say, "Oh he's a player, blah blah," the girls will at least perk up their ears. Worrying about her influence over then will get you nowhere. Its up to the girls to decide. If you are yourself, there is not more to do.

Dang, that was not very nice was it? What happened between you two? Maybe you should get a girl whose also religious and won't ask those kind of questions in a cold post-breakup way like that.

Ask her out...if its too late, she'll let you know.

I just want someone that I can relate and share with. You can't do that with guys who don't enjoy conversation and are always suppressing their emotions. I am easily bored by a man who doesn't know how to express himself.

You made the right decision. I don't think you should get married, either. Not because of financial issues but because you have deeper mental issues I think you really need to contend with before you involve yourself as a father figurehead for two children and a wife. Side note: I had a boyfriend who told me that he didn't believe in marriage without a prenup. I wasn't as nice as your gf, the next day I dumped him and didn't explain why. In my opinion, if he's that into money, he's not even worth explaining things to.