peanut15

Your entire life changes when someone you love and care about cheats on you. You feel like your whole life comes crashing down and nothing is in no way normal anymore..or whatever your definition of normal is. You basically lose a lot of self esteem or any type of positive feeling you have about yourself. You wonder that there is something wrong with you and if ever you get a compliment, you think that person is crazy or something. Yet the moment you get a compliment, you accept it and you love the attention you are receiving. At the same time as well, as the person who was betrayed, you are held to a higher level not to do anything like your significant other has done to you but then you find yourself caught in the same mess. Why, you lost any self confidence and here is someone you get along with who seems to build it back into you. I suggest that you keep away from him as it will not be a good situation. I really feel for you and your situation and hope that you are able to resolve any problems that you have with your boyfriend.

Kara... Men do continue with their affairs for just sex. I've known too many friends (guys) that have continued to date girls just for that even though they were in a relationship. They might have been lacking the sex they wanted from their gf or they were just sleezy...I don't know. You need to get out of this immediately.

I didn't place him last. There are a lot of things that of course you don't know about my relationship with my husband. First of all, he has the opposite work schedule from me. I've always asked him and even begged him to meet me for lunch so we could see each other instead of him coming home to me asleep and me waking up next to him asleep. He refused each time but instead made time for her. I even asked him to visit the kids at daycare...again...made up excuses not to see them and instead made time to see her to have sex with her and talk about her kid. I had a more flexible work schedule so I at many times took a day off here and there and I had every other friday off so I could be with him and me and the kids could actually see him and be a family. What does he do? Lay on his back and sleep and watch tv. I hated being ignored to I would just take care of the kids and clean the house and pay the bills as none of that was going to happen on their own. I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years and let me tell you that there has been little physical contact. I've many times "thrown" myself at him only to be given some pathetic excuse. The times where he's hinted at me that he wants sex, I stay up for him just so I could be with him (and I only wanted him) but to only be rejected once again. So you tell me that I may have led him to his affair...I wholeheartedly disagree. I gave more than 100% in my marriage only to be slapped in the face and knocked down hard by his affair. My husband NOW admits that he never put any effort into our marriage and he left it up to me. He saw me give up after 5 years and thought that I didn't care anymore so he decided to have sex with some other woman. NO ONE pushes anyone to have an affair with someone else. That decision is made 100% by the people who end up having an affair and they do it willingly knowing who they are hurting. So angrily I state that he is a grown man that he could take care of himself and that my actions were in no way for him to go out and have an affair. Maybe you should reread my post and realize that you CANNOT rely on someone to take care of you while not giving anything in return. For you men...dont' expect your wife or SO to be superwoman and tend to the needs to the house, the kids, their job, and you. What I've been getting out of here is not support but rather criticism about how I've handle my marriage. Maybe some of you are right and I should have paid attention to my husband more while he didn't pay attention to me and took me for granted for all the things I had given to him in our marriage up until this point. Before his affair, I sat down crying because he never gave me the time of day yet I gave him almost everything. I had children and got tired of putting myself and everything last over him and got a little selfish if you can call it that and put him where he prioritized me...last. So now I sit here crying my eyes out because he went and had his affair and definitely showed me where I stood in his list of priorities...LAST.

I am not a guy but a woman in the same position as you were...however I did not cheat on my husband...he cheated on me. Like you, I was always there for my husband and many times at events...I'd get ignored. We work opposite schedules and never really get to see him. After all that we managed to have 2 kids but his schedule is still the opposite of ours and doesn't get to see the kids as much. After our second..he had his affair. Instead of making time for me..he went to meet this woman who knew I existed and he slept with her several times. All this time...I had been throwing myself at him and had been faithful. But still got ignored and felt lonely and depressed. I am not ugly for that matter and I'm sure there are many guys willing to go out with me as well. My husband's reason...he felt lonely and that I wanted no part of him. The exact problem...he never communicated with me on anything. After reading your post...I do have to say that I feel for you and I wish your wife paid more attention to you. However I think it was selfish of you to do such a thing as sleep with some woman ..especially one that met your wife. To me...that woman is a cheap (I'd say something else but afraid that this won't post). YOU need to talk to your wife and discuss what is going on and why you feel so bad. If it starts up an argument...so be it...but your point is made. What gets me is that there are men and women who go off and complain that their spouses do not pay attention to them. Well what do you expect from so many years of marriage. There are also two sides of the story here. You may portray your wife as cold and always too busy for you...but have you actually approached her about it. During these events when you feel ignored...maybe you should make your presense known with her. Have you ever thought that maybe she feels like you are ignoring her at these events by sitting in some corner alone? These are just some things to think about. I don't mean to go off on you as I really do feel for you however, your story just seems like what my husband tried to play off on this woman he had his affair with. The problem was that he was using how I felt to get her in bed and I'm sure she used some fake story about her life to make him feel bad as well to get him in bed as well (she is married to).

First of all, why did you get involved with someone that said was engaged? Second, you should not tell her because it will be your fault. My husband had an affair after our second child was born. After the second time he had sex with her, he called off their "relationship". He couldn't bear it anymore but she kept pursuing...she is married to. Anyway, she hired someone to tap into his hotmail account and get my hotmail email. I knew it was through his hotmail account because NO ONE else knew that email address. She told me about what he did although not in detail. I hate her, I despise her and honestly all this has left me absolutely heart broken and confused. She may say she was concerned for me but honestly, she ended up attacking me and saying that I deserved it. I found out the weekend of my birthday. It has now been three months since I found out and I feel so terrible. My husband and I are trying to make things better but I think it would have been better if he told me. I honestly feel that way. I feel that she contacted me (under an assumed name) just to get me back out of revenge. Anyway, just stay out of it. She'll come after you rather than her fiance. I believe that he lied about her suicidal attempts. He lied to you and he's lied to her. Better that you just stay away and not deal with him anymore.

Your wife needs to contact HR to talk to someone regarding sexual harassment. Usually when you first start a company, they give you pamphlets about it. Sometimes companies also have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) to talk to someone regarding this matter. Its an outside source to help and the company usually provides this service and its confidential. Usually we just sit back and ignore the problem hoping it goes away. Sometimes we think reporting it could have some serious reprecussions. Its up to her if she will report it.

Its amazing that he's supposedly a friend of yours and he's being much too friendly with your girlfriend. And to think she's supposedly your girlfriend and she doesn't plan things with you as a boyfriend / girlfriend would do. You are still young and in college...enjoy it even it is without the two of them. I've been to college and graduate school and I've played that game they are with you and its not worth it. While in school I dated this guy who planned everything and anything with others from his dorm, work or fraternity. I understood his fraternity stuff but when I found out he'd invite all these other girls and not me I was so upset. And get this...I found out not through him about these functions but the frat president who was dating my roommate. They'd invite me and when I'd walk through the door, you should have seen the look on my boyfriend's face. I eventually ended up dumping him and eventually started dating my husband. I wouldn't hold onto her. You need to dump her fast as she's stringing you along and that's not right. But that's my 2 cents from someone who's been there and done that.

I don't know what your situation is right now and I hope you are not considering cheating on your wife. I understand your frustration with your wife as I had almost done the same with my husband after our second child. I dont' think you can understand what its like to be a mother as we women don't understand what its like to be a father. They're two completely different roles. I am a stay at home for now but I used to work full time...I had a career and everything. I'd have to say that I am more tired now than I ever have been staying home with the kids. And its a different type of tiredness. When my husband comes home, I'm quick to have him take the kids and I'll go do something else so I don't have to worry about anything or anybody else. Yeah it may sound selfish to a man but try spending all your time with the kids all day. My husband used to do NOTHING when he'd come home. Kinda like what you threatened with your wife. And you know what, our relationship worsened. I'm sorry to say this but after you give birth to your child, your priorities change and it becomes the children first. My husband was absolutely jealous when our kids came first. With the first child, he was ok with it but after the second, he couldn't take it anymore. He thought I slept a lot, he thought I recovered from childbirth and I started not to talk to him as much. There were many things going through my head and that was the kids. Second was all the things I had to do around the house, then my job, then the bills, and then lastly...him. Why was he last? Because he's a grown man and he could take care of himself. My husband had an affair because of the same things you complained about...with the exception of having another child...I"M DONE!!! He fulfilled his fantasy of having sex with someone else and you know what it cost him.....trust, love, honesty, faithfulness. You think her attitude towards you is bad now...just wait how she'll react after (if) you have an affair. I love my husband but I dont trust him anymore. We are still together and are in marriage counseling but its hard. He tells me he loves me but each time I think in my head that he's lying to me. He gives me a hug and sometimes I feel like pushing him away because I just want to break down and cry. He tries to kiss me and I hold back throwing up. We just celebrated our wedding anniversary last week and I started to think that after his actions earlier this year, we have no marriage vows. It was for better or for worse and yet he was not able to take the worse of our relationship. I love him very much but I wonder if he loves me only when life is good between us? I sure hope and pray that you aren't going forward with having an affair. I suggest you tell your wife that you are not ready to have another child. I'm hoping your not just following up on her wishes just to have sex. She may get mad if you but she'll get over it...it may take time but remember why you married her. She is the same woman but with a different set of priorities...believe me.

First of all to Gauchori...Catholics are Christians! If you believe in Jesus Christ you are a Christian. The Roman Catholics and the Orthodox Church broke apart from each other. Then the Protestants broke off from the Catholic Church during the reformation...throughout all of this...we still are all Christians. Anyway, to BOASHOAK, as strong as your letter is, I do not believe it will have an affect on the girls family. First of all, she did meet someone else away at school and it was her final decision to break it off with you. Despite what you may think was a role of her parents, it still doesn't matter. There is no way of changing her parents mind of interracial relationships so the letter is pointless. If they want to remain they way they are, then so be it. As for your ex, she made the final decision and I'm sorry to say this but you will have to live with it. I know it hurts but you know what, if she let skin color get in the way of a relationship, then that is her problem. As much as you cared for her, you need someone who sees beyond color of skin and rather the person inside. I am in a multiracial marriage and I have two multiracial kids. I am asian and my husband is caucasian. When I do run into people that make fun of us and especially my kids, I just think that they are jealous because we look a lot better than they do. Yes it does hurt but what can I really do? I can't tell them off because it won't have any affect on them. All I can do is teach their own children that diversity is good and that skin color doesn't matter when it comes to finding love.

First of all, it takes 2 years for a woman to FULLY recover from childbirth. Some women its easier and others its harder. There's also sleep deprivation and it could spoil any moment. I don't think you should tell her that you are thinking of having an affair as it would just make her paranoid and probably make the relationship worse. You need to have her sit with you to discuss your concerns but just remind her that these are things that are just bothering you and that you need to tell her and that you need to work a plan to overcome these. As for counseling, I was reluctant and I found that they just teach you how to talk to each other. Its all about communication and that's all.

All I can say is that I understand your situation. I've been on both sides of your situation as I have had 2 kids which are close in age. There is this book, The Expectant Father and The New Father which could try to help you understand your wife a little bit. As someone who's had kids, I can say our hormones go out of whack and it does take time for it to get back to normal. Another thing is that the role of your wife is different now and she's a mother. Yes you have become second on her priority list of people but that is something that is expected as the baby is also 1st on your priority list. I suggest that before you decide to have another child that you and your wife sit down and talk about this and your problems with each other. I can't stress enough how important it is for the two of you to do this. Another thing that you can try to do is get a babysitter for your child and go away for a couple of days...just you and your wife...NO BABY!!!! You need time away from your baby to rediscover the two of you.

I would never get involved in a threesome but that's just me. However, if I did and I was having issues with my man, I would make sure he did it with me first and not the other person. It seems cruel for him to completely leave you out of it and I would dump him in an instant. You are not tied down my marriage or anything like that. There are other men out there who will desire you and have no problems showing you affection.

I agree with mscolly. You need to do things for yourself to get your self-esteem back. You have built a relationship with your bf for too long to just throw it away. When I found my husband had an affair, I started talking to friends and going out with them. It wasn't a way for me to forget about what had happened but rather to get out and just do things for myself. When you are in a relationship for so long, it just doesn't become about you but rather "us". When your partner betrays you, you feel lost, alone and afraid because you feel that "us" isn't there anymore and that was what was holding you together because frankly that was your identity. Doing things for yourself does help but of course it doesn't solve the problem of his unfaithfulness. I went out with my best friend and we went to dinner with NO men, went to the spa and got pampered (with their $ of course) and did girl stuff. It felt good and I'm glad I did that for myself. Once a cheater always a cheater is NOT true. If you guys can work it out then that would be great. 6 years is too much just to throw away. At least if you try, you know that you put your best effort into it. The ball is in your court.

I am laughing at your post Mike. My husband and I were talking about desires and fantasies once and of course the 3some came up with him. It was more like a fantasy that he'd actually never ever fulfill but I told him that sure we could have a 3some just as long as its another guy His mouth dropped and he said, I don't think so.

why did you beat him up? that does nothing in my opinion. i agree with the other poster that maybe you should be honest with her now about your feelings. however, is her friendship important to you? i mean, you guys are pretty young and relationships like that don't usually last a lifetime (just from my experience). is it better to be her friend for life or be her romantic interest for a "x" amount of years.

Goddess23...I felt a little insulted by your post. First of all there is a BIG age gap between us...a 16 year gap to be exact. I am 32 and you are 16. You are still so young that you don't understand what I see since you have the "entire world in front of you". I've been there and done that already. When you get to my age (which isn't old at all), you may realize what we are really talking about. Times have changed from the time I was in high school...forward that 15 years after college, graduate school, marriage, and giving birth to 2 kids, values change and your views of the world change. I was talking to many of my friends around my age group and they see that a lot of us in our generation is more selfish, self-centered, and lazy. Yes, we may work hard but we also expect someone else to do the other things for us. We expected to be in love then get married but then also had our spouse sign a prenuptial agreement (just in case). That didn' t happen in my marriage but I know a lot of others that had to sign one. At your age, you have so many ideals and are ready to conquer the world...but once you hit 30 its like reality sets in and if you weren't ready then oh well.

Maybe I can shed some light as to why she acts that way. My husbands problem isn't alcohol or drugs, its depression. At the time of his brief affair, he medicine was the wrong dosage (thereforeeee not working) and he wasn't in counseling. I also had a baby several months back and the experience during that lowered my sex drive and it also just made me feel scared about it because it just hurt. All that combined, he thought I didn't love him and that I was having an affair (go figure). So he wanted his needs met so he went out looking for the easiest target to satisfy those needs. He had an affair with someone of course but he just didn't realize that she was looking for a way out of her marriage and wanted him. He had no desire to be with her other than she was willing to give it up for him. Their affair was brief and she still was stuck with her husband. She hired someone to hack into his hotmail account and she found my email address (one that he ONLY knew). That is how we knew someone got into his account when all of a sudden I received an email from someone else. She didn't say much about the affair but just basically called me everything in the book and said that I ruined her life because my husband actually wanted me and not her. I found out on my birthday and it was the most humiliating thing. The thing that hurt me is that I felt that it could have been prevented if I just pushed his counseling, talked to him about my problem, and monitored his medicine. Maybe your wife is upset at herself too because she wasn't able to help you with your alcohol problem too...maybe...I don't know. I do know that she is ashamed of what happened and although she says she loves you the next day the other reality sets in and its unbearable. In these situations you may think with your heart but you also need to think with your head. My friends don't chastise him but rather lay down the options I have for me and my kids. If he falls under another depressive episode, will he run off and have an affair? If I reject him sexually, will he run off with another woman? Instead of feeling that and thinking about that, I sometimes wonder if its just easier to call off the entire marriage. There are so many things going through her mind right now she is not sure of what she wants. When you are gone, she misses the wonderful things about you and wants you back. But then when you are back, she remembers what you did to her. When my husband wants to be near me, all of a sudden the other womans face pops into my head and I think of the two of them and it brings me into another place. I start to cry, get sick to my stomach, and withdraw immediately from him. Its slowly getting better but from time to time I have triggers that sends me backwards. Right now, I am no longer the confident woman that I used to be that was active daily. I am no longer the woman that had a smile on her face and was so happy to be married to a wonderful man and had 2 beautiful kids. I am no longer that person and it kills me because I look at him and blame him for ruining me. Although you need to give her space, you also need to show her that you want the marriage to work. You need to give her everything that she needs because you betrayed her trust in you. My husband is doing everything to show me that he wants the marriage to work and keep our family intact. That is the thing that keeps me from kicking him out of my life.

Whoa, slow down slugger. First of all, you are letting your emotions get to you just a little bit too much. She consented to sex with her boyfriend and there's nothing you can do. If she gets hurt, then she does and if she's pregnant, that is both their faults. Remember creating a baby takes TWO people and she was a willing participant. Now if she or you suspect that he was using her just for sex then it is her decision to leave/dump him not yours. You said you have fallen for her but you need to put that aside and just think and treat her like her friend. She doesn't need anymore conflict in her life at such a young age. Here's my question for you....would you feel the same way about her even if you weren't in love with her? I mean, would you have the same concern for her even if she was just a friend and that's all?

I had the same problem for a while. It hurt with my husband but the more often we had sex, the easier it became. After I had our kids, it did become a problem. I was just too scared and I had to learn how to relax but its hard when in the back of your mind you think its going to hurt. Foreplay and talking did help me and its getting better each time.

First of all, your husband needs to support you in some way or to give you some positive feedback. If he's not intersted now then that's his problem and you shouldn't do anything to make him interested. It sounds like he's just waiting for you to do things for him and yet, he's not willing to do anything for you. My husband gained a lot of weight since we got married and I never withdrew from him. I was concerned about it yet and I told him but I never once stopped being attracted to him. I would always throw myself at him but many times he would reject me. My attraction towards him was more than just physical appearances. And then there was me, I am thin and even after 2 kids, it doesn't look like I have had kids. I had a lot of confidence and was always there for him. Yet he was the one who had the affair with someone with an average body, no personality, and no looks. I look at myself now and have no self esteem and no confidence at all. I wonder why with all that I had to offer, why he would go to someone like that. I look at myself now and think that I have to compete with someone like that other woman. Even though I know the affair is long over with and has been long before I even found out, it just kills me inside. I wonder why I gave so much and got nothing in return. I am rebuilding my relationship with my husband only because he is truly sorry and he's trying everything to show me that I am the one that he's always wanted. Its hard for me to believe sometimes. I've only been married to him for over 5 years and I could easily just leave him as I think I'm still young enough to start over again...then again, you are never too old to start over anyway. Your husband really needs to show you he wants to be in the marriage. Then he also tells you that he's not attracted to you romantically. That is something I couldn't live with either because I need needs fulfilled too. I want to be with someone who shows me support and love (emotionally and sexually). Its all up to you and I think you know what you want. I know its hard considering you have had a life together for so long. But you do need better...

I do have to say that a lot of our values are going down the drain. I think a lot of us believe we have values but thinking and showing are another thing. I think our generation is spoiled and selfish. If we don't get what we want right here and right now, we just don't care who we hurt to get what we want in the short term. I think that our parents have done so much to give us what we want and need that we have accustomed ourselves to getting anything we want and thus have become selfish. I also know that many of the people that have had relationship problems are not patient people. They expect too much from their partner that if they don't get it when expected, the do irrational things. As with my husband, he's not a patient person and he's a pretty selfish person. I am the complete opposite. He comes from a family with no discipline or structure. My family is the complete opposite. I value family and have always participated in family functions while he is just not used to the idea and has a hard time realizing that holidays, etc are important. He does adore my family and wishes that he was raised in the environment I was in. I do think that people have a different idea of committment. One guy I knew believed in it but also thought that marriage will end up in divorce. My husband I know believed in committment but only to a certain point. I know his parents didn't teach him how to treat women with respect but expected him to do so anyway. He lost his virginity really early and also had this vision that sex was not really a cherished thing in a relationship. He saw it as a need to fulfill but then again, I know a lot of men and women who are like that as well. I think I'm rambling but I hope you get my point.

I have to say this.... ARE YOU MY HUSBAND????

For those that have cheated on their partner and are trying to remain in the relationship, what makes you remain the relationship if your partner does not trust you? This is assuming that you are no longer involved in the affair. Also for those that have been cheated on, why remain in the relationship if you have issues trusting your partner. This is assuming that you believe trust to be a major factor in your relationship.

You said she has been diagnosed with a thyroid problem...right? Do you know if its hypo or hyper-thyroidism? I ask because my mom was diagnosed with hypo and my mother in law has hyper (Graves Disease) so I guess I know a little about it. From what you say it seems as though she has hypo. Anyway, her thyroid problem may be a big cause of her actions and attitude. Her problem may cause her to become depressed like and it may make her over react to some situations. Hopefully she is on medication for it and over time it may help her even out her emotions. As for her sex drive, depressive like behavior can have an affect on it. That 's jus my two cents on the situations but of course I do not know the entire story. With my mom we delicately try to address her behavior towards us as many times she tends of overact and throw fits at us. She never was like this before and we also noticed that when she stopped taking her thyroid medicine, she got that way.

I don't think its possible for a spouse to have a friend that is just emotionally intimate. At some point, that type of intimacy turns into something physical. However, I do think that one could have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. I do have male friends that are just friends. I consider them close friends but there is no attraction for anything else.