saltwatergirl

that makes no sense to me. Cheat if you're with your true love? Why? Because the relationship isn't "functional"? so cheating will make it functional? Somehow make you feel better? Is it all about you? What do you mean it's not about love? If I'm with my "true love" I couldnt possibly cheat---I'd rather die than be with another person and hurt someone I love so much in that way. It wouldnt even be a remote option for me to be intimate with another person -- when I have someone I love so much at home. If I'm no longer in love, then its time to get out. Not be a coward and lie and cheat and sneak---for what? How selfish and decietful. This is a cheater's rationalization, nothing more. Sorry. Nothing justifies that type of behavior, inflicting that type of hurt and pain on another person that you supposedly love, or on yourself. Just my opinion. Salt

LOL Hey Muneca, I like you're outlook. I've done the same "bored" bit myself. Though after reading a post today on the infidelity board, I am now considering taking up yoga. Salt

I agree....no contact. Starting now. Salt

Things like this really hurt. I know very well all the confusion, questions, going over in your head what this or that meant . Wondering if it was all just a big fake that you thought was real. Wondering how in the world you could have been so misled. Missing the part of you that actually believed in them. Missing the security you once felt while dealing with the shocking revelations you now have in front of your own eyes. It's hard to let go even if we know it is for the best. I hope you feel better soon. Salt

I'm dating a guy 14 years younger than me. I will always have fond memories of the experience. Salt

I agree, bag this and move on. Salt

Ditto on the crapola sentiments expressed above mine. Salt

So many people are heartbroken and devastated, especially when lying and/or cheating is at issue. Some of you have been in close relationships and the other person for reasons unknown to you has just taken off without a word. You are wounded, and lost. I have some suggestions for clearing the cobwebs and coming out the other side. First, realize it isn't you. Your ex hurt you, you didnt do anything to cause it nor could you have prevented it. You just ran into the wrong person. You are a living, breathing human being with a life before this person and people who love you besides this person. You could NOT have stopped them from doing what they did. Your mistakes, could'ves, would;ves, should'ves, were human errors, and did NOT drive this person to destroy you. They did it themselves. Forgive yourself, and allow yourself to be human. Second, realize that you WILL survive this. However, calling, wishing, crying, writing, thinking, searching the internet....none of this will help you. It will hinder you. You can move on only when you put on your shoes, open the door, and actually take a step the other direction. Every minute you spend in thoughts is a minute you are sitting, not stepping. Third, realize that you are better off. I know this seems incredibly untrue of you and your situation but it isnt. This person has hurt you, may have lied, may have cheated, may have lost all desire to contact you or see you and you just cant for the life of you imagine HOW they could do that. but they did. It doesnt matter HOW or WHY or WHEN. They have done you a favor by going in the other direction. You've been spared from any further hurt, lies, or deciet. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. And be thankful to them, for leaving. You didnt deserve it. Fourth, committ to moving on. This mean going out with friends, watching tv, working out, changing up your surroundings or appearance, shopping, whatever you can find to do differently do it. They are no longer in your life, so you need to carve out a new one. Dont wait around for it to happen, you have to do it yourself. Nobody can do it for you. **For the girls: go to the store, get a nice 5.00 bouquet of flowers for your table, light some candles, take a bath, watch a good movie (no chic flicks, itll make you cry). Call up your girls and go to Starbucks for coffee. Make sure you look good and take notice of all the looks you get---this is a nice ego boost. Invite a girlfriend for dinner at your place, get lots of chocolate, drinks, and comedy dvd's. Cook some great food and laugh alot. (Dont talk about him, it'll make you cry). Get up tomorrow and do it again. Force yourself if you have to until it becomes habit. **For the guys: Call up your boys and go bowling (no talkin about the ex, nobody cares and you shouldnt either). Look really good and take note of all the hot chics out there. This will make you start to consider getting back in the game. Put on a tank and some shorts and hit the gym. This is a good way to work out frustrations, and ego boost when you get looks. Get some wings and light up the barbq, then call your buds over for some beer and food. Theyll come, its free, just again dont spend the time mentioning the ex or they might not come back. Get up everyday with a plan to do something that does NOT in any way involve your ex or thoughts about your ex. Do it til its habit. Fifth, get ANGRY. get DARN GOOD AND MAD at how this person has scre$@ed you over and done what they've done to you. Get really good and pis%ed off. They've taken you and everything you've done and felt for them and they've stomped it into the ground, then threw it in the trash like garbage. You didnt deserve it!! You did NOT deserve what they've done to you. Stop sitting around thinking, hoping, crying, wishing...STOP IT. You are STILL giving them time and energy and allowing them to CONTINUE TO HURT YOU and they arent even around!! Go into your bedroom and look at yourself in the mirror at how much you have to offer, then scream outloud THAT DUMB BIT$H! Finally,, release the anger. Dont stay here too long. A week or so at most. This can be hard becaase it is sooo easy to stay angry. You have to realize that by doing that, you are preventing yourself from moving on and seeing what else life holds. You have stopped walking again. Have one last good cry, scream and yell outloud again (THAT BI__CH!), and then forgive. Let it go. Life has alot to offer, and your ex is just a cog in the grand scheme of things. You will survive this and be just fine, truly you will. Pretty soon you will be over it. I wish you all the quick healing you can do for yourself. Salt

The ONLY reason for an angry reaction when we question people is if THEY ARE GUILTY OF SOMETHING. Unless of course we're constantly interrogating them for no particular reason, which im sure isnt the case with you. I'd definitely say you have your answer, and now all you need to do is decide what to do about it. Personally, I hate cheaters and liars. When I finally get over that "urge" to catch them, I begin to move on. First mentally, then physically. Its not hard when you have had enough...mind over matter. I hope you can do the same. Salt

I agree with the above, chill with the questions and start findin some fun yourself. Pretty soon you'll discover there is more to life than him! Trust me on that one! Salt

Ive only known one cheater/liar, and he repeated it all continually, despite all promises to the contrary. So no I dont think they have it in them to feel remorse or change. They are what they are... Just my opinion. Why worry about this anyway? Salt

Liars dont stop lying. Cheaters don't stop cheating. Do yourself a favor and cut him loose. You'll be glad you did. Salt

I have been where you are. I now call this "fabricated entertainmet". Sooner or later, we all get tired. The "fishing" gets old and boring, the lies get stupid, and so does the one telling them. In the end, we can only control ourselves, nobody else. And someone who continues to lie and cheat becomes just another guy that we could do without. Nothing more. Sooner or later, a better guy will come along. Just gotta open up your options. And STOP WASTING YOUR TIME SNOOPING. You have better things to do. Salt

I would just keep dating the new guy and dont worry about your ex. He's your ex for a reason. What's done is done. You're probably just on the rebound, enjoy it and don't get caught up in 'what if's". Salt

I've been trying to tell him that I really care for him, he'll never be "replaced". **Why would you make a statement like this to someone that you aren't committed to? As for exclusivity, I'm going to give it a go, but I am 99.9% sure it won't work out. **If that's the case, don't "give it a go", you've already decided it will fail. I'm definitely going to meet other people and in my opinion, if Bryan and I are meant to be together, I'll only see that they aren't better than him in my mind it'll strengthen our relationship together because I'll feel more committed to him. **Sorry, I'm calling BS on that one. argh. ***Yes, argh. Time to have the talk with him. be gentle, be honest, and then walk away. You aren't doing him any favors by being decietful. Salt

Well, this is just my opinion, but if he is doing something that's bothering you this much, and you two are to the place where you have discussed marriage, then it seems to me he would be willing to stop doing it in order to spare your feelings. It's not like you're asking him to stop eating or working or caring for his aging parents...you're asking him to stop with the porn and TS things that really do disturb you and are affecting your relationship in an unhealthy way. Why in the world would he feel that the porn issue takes priority over that? There is nothing wrong with you. All you are doing is reacting to something you find uncomfortable and expressing your feelings about it. And you have every right as a human being to do so. Everyone in a committed relationship has a certain responsibility to hold up their end of it, and that means doing (or not doing) things that affect the other person when possible and reasonable requests are made. Your request is both reasonable and possible. Personally, I don't mind if my bf is online looking at porn, or watching porn on tv, or checkin out magazines, or any of that. But other women find it all very uncomfortable. However, it would disturb me greatly if he were "chatting" with people or investigating TS issues, whereas other women may not find that important in the least. Why it would bother me is irrelavant. Those are just my boundaries, and I have zero problem expressing them and expecting him to respect them. If he had a problem with that, then obviously I would need to reconsider my relationship with him. Because I would be dealing with someone who 1. doesnt respect me, and 2. doesnt share the same sexual boundaries as I do, which makes for a bad match in my opinion. If these are your boundaries, you need to consider how far back you are willing and able to push them in order to keep this person in your life, and is it even worth it. You have to be able to compromise on things because you are 2 people, not just 1. But, what you dont want to do is lose yourself in order to keep someone. The porn issue, I said I didn't have a problem with it. Do I love it? No, but this is my "compromise". However, the "chatting" and ts issues....I wouldn't compromise on, because that is a "boundary". This is where HE compromises. You have to be able to distinguish between the 2, accept which is which for YOU, and then don't settle for anything less from him. Salt

Just ease up and have fun with this guy. Why create drama? Salt

My gawd, what a sh((&* thing to say to you. Sorry but your bf sounds like a real jerk. I'd cut him loose and find me someone else to date. Seriously. Call him up, tell him where he can get off, and then open your front door and holler reall loud: "NEXXTTTT!" Salt

Hey girl. I'm not a guy but I'll post a reply anyway. The earring story is lame... but, you already know that. I dont think you should spend anymore time on that, just let it go. You will *never* know the answer to that one anyway. He wont ever cop to that. Okay? The statement about "not in my life plan RIGHT NOW" is his attempt to not burn the bridge in case at some future point, he decides he wants to have you again. Keep you open to the possibility. He is being deceptive---take heed to this please.. I also think he is "picking" at you or throwing a bunch of excuses at you (things youve done wrong, etc) that he hopes will mask the fact that he is bailing. Switch & bait. Don't fall for that, please. I'm sure you BOTH made mistakes in the past. My hunch is he is unsure of what to do with you, so doesnt want to cut ties completely until making up his mind for sure. what reasons might have caused that? Who knows, he isnt being honest enough with you for you to know that right now. What you are doing right now is going back over EVERYTHING that has been done or said and analyzing it all, to try and make sense of something....Think about it, do you have this much trouble "understanding" or communicating with ANYONE ELSE in your life? Probably not. Its just a tactic of deception. Dont waste your time trying to "understand" or "talk", you cant understand or reason with someone who isn't being honest. I wouldn't stress over whether or not to talk if you see him. Take things as they come and if you feel like talking to him, fine. Dont have any hidden agenda, expectation, or secret wish. Dont go out of your way to avoid, or to engage. Just go with the flow & do what YOU want. Unfortunatley, we sometimes just come accross cons. Think about this: If he were truly wanting this, would he actually sit there and allow all of this confusion and uncertainty to go on? Would he avoid talking to you about it? Of course not. He would be more than willing to get past this & get you 2 on to better days. Right? when you step away from it you will see it , and him, more clearly. Trust me. You're doing fine, don't stop now. Salt

This is ridiculous. She wont stop talking to him and she wont show you the emails???? You have no choice but to end this and move on. If she truly wanted you back, she would jump on the things you suggested in a heartbeat. If I had done this, and regretted it, and wanted my man back, I'd be fighting for my life right now. But she is doing nothing. This is only a smokescreen she's giving you. Nothing behind that screen but puppets.

Why does going out wtih other guys have anything to do with this? You dont have to go out with other guys...there is nothing wrong with being alone and let him think. Other guys shouldnt even be a factor right now.... I'd say give him time, dont call, and leave him alone to think. Do your own thing. Spend time with friends. It doesnt mean you have to go out with anyone else.

So basically, she wants the summer off to go run around with other guys, and then get back with you after its over. Kind of like a vacation or just put you on pause while she goes and has her fun this summer. And you wait right there and she'll be back when its over (maybe). And you want to know if you should accept it? Think about what you are asking. There are many times I'd love to just "check out" of my life for a bit, then resume it later. But that isn't reality. I mean really, think about this.

I jsut read this thread. I made this same decision yesterday, that I can no longer stay in limbo anymore, and told him it's over. I have sat here allday thinking.......why did I do this. I mean at least he was still in my life, I could have waited a little longer, blah blah." After I read this post I realized, No, I did do the right thing. I have to regain control of myself and not let him string me along with empty words and little actions. I am hoping this NC brings him to his senses. But I ALMOST messed it up by calling him today.....thank god I came here first and read this thread. THANK YOU so much to all of you on this board. PS I think the letter was fine, and she addressed nothing that you said...amazing. I sent a similar email and got almost the same response. It's unbelievable how some people just flat don't get it.

I only want him back if he has TRULY decided that he wants to be with me, and is not going to just flake on me again later. My trust is destroyed. I guess my answer is, I don't know. Which is why I feel I need some time to think.

Well for anyone who cares or remembers my story.......I have decided to initiate NC. (insert applause here). In my case it means not answering his calls. You'll probably see me posting more here so as to avoid picking up the freakin phone which as you know is my complete downfall. I began it last night after he HUNG UP ON ME. yes thats right. In the midst of trying to "get me back", he has hung up on me. This was prompted because he was ANGRY at how QUICKLY I seemed to "get over him" during the complete ABANDONMENT routine he pulled on me for 2 straight weeks while he "searched his soul".. Yes that's right, HE was angry with ME for appearing to have MOVED ON (I joined a gym and bought a new hat) ..I also told him someone had asked me out, but I had declined because I was/am still so very crushed. This angered him to no end and he was saying "ohhhh how quickly you have found someone else!!!" What!? #@!$ ANYWAY, let me move past this before my blood begins to boil again and I can't finish typing my post.......... Summary: We were together 3 years--the last thing he said to me was "ill call you tonite, then just vanishes for 2 weeks while I am devastated. He has since returned (couple weeks ago) and began calling, wants me back, apolgizing alot, but done NOTHING to prove himself or anything to me. Just calls and talks, apologizes, had to find himself, blah.,but nothing else. I guess I'm lookin for a "show" of remorse, not just words. Anyway back to the hang up: (Yes, I was moving on sooo quickly---you'll notice that in all my psychotic, rambling, losing my mind emotional breakdown posts I made on this forum during that time...but whatever)..... Anyway, He tried to call me back all night, last call at 4:30 am. He has to be at work by 7:00 am. No idea what he was doing still up at 4:30 calling me. He said to call him today and leave a message if it would be okay for him to call me today. Said if he got home and had no message, he'd know I dont want to talk. But if I want to talk to call him (he has a wonderful way of TWISTING THINGS around to me...but anyway) ..... I did not call. Well let me correct that........HAVEN'T called. I feel like a smoker trying to avoid a cigarette.... Just need a few hundred or so of you to keep me pointed in the right direction. If you are interested, my story is somewhere on page 2 or 3 I think called "HELP" but really, that's the jist of it. I just think I deserve more than lip service at this point.....and I've told him that outright. He didnt respond. Will keep you posted.