musicchicus

How about accepting that it is your father's skeleton, his embarrasement, his failure, not yours. When you run into folks you know, and that worry comes up, remember that a) it wasn't your fault and b) if they are so caddy and judgemental to think bad things about you because of what HE did all those years ago...well, they are not the sort of people whose opinions would matter to you...don't you think? Accept that it happened and that it is over...your father worked past it, it is time for you to also. Consider that perhaps there is something about it that keeps you hanging on to this...who knows? Guilt, fear, whatever...perhaps speaking with a counselor or doctor might help you work past the issues? Best of luck

Try reading a book called Men Made Easy - very interesting, very entertaining and an entire chapter about talking to men! Give it a shot!

Have you asked why there is no physical? Maybe she has a good reason.

Ah, I'm sorry you have to live with this! Its so unfair!!! Divorce is a wonderful thing - sometimes! My suggestion is to just be honest. Take them aside, without one another, and tell them how you feel. Tell them what the fighting does to your and your siblings. If you don't think the nice approach will work...next time they are going at each other - scream, get their attention, and tell them exactly what you told us. If you hate each other so much, then just go your separate ways already! We (you and your siblings) are sick of listening to it - your hurting us by doing this!!! I can't listen anymore!!! For now own when you two fight, I'm leaving, I don't care if its in the middle of dinner, whatever, I don't care anymore!! I am NOT listening anymore!!! And just walk out. Give them time to get themselves together and return after you have recovered from it. I wish you luck and peace!!

Hmmm, I have heard this type of advice often...oh, just wear a dress, blah, blah. And I agree with you...the guy should like your for who you are... But what kind of luck has that given you? Well, I believe in being yourself! Tomboy, girly-girl, whatever. I believe that there are men out there that will find you extremly attractive for who you are... But I am guessing that you are so busy being yourself, the tomboy, that when these men are attracted you just don't notice it! I mean, come on, if you are chasing a ball or beating up the boys - how are you going to notice the stud on the sidelines checking you out? So, my suggestion is not to change yourself or stop being who you are (although it by no means hurts to pay special attention to yourself - be well groomed and dressed, even if its a T and shorts your wearing at all times). Rather, just be more aware of who is around and if a man seems to find you attractive (a second look, a hi how you doin, whatever)...go with it. Show him extra attention. See where it goes. You are bound to find someone! Gook luck

Snowchild, I could offer to have you send me a picture via email and I would look at it and make judgement - but, come on, please... I believe that no one is UGLY! We are different and unique and interesting - but not ugly. What I find not attractive another would find beautiful. The goal is finding someone who likes what they see. And you will, you will probably find many...the trick here is having the confidence to attract them and get them to talk to you. Because lets just face it - CONFIDENCE IS 95%+ of picking up women/men!!! It sounds like your long-term relationship has done more damage to your self esteem and confidence than is healthy. Start finding ways to boost it - do things to make yourself look better. If you think its your face that needs help - do things to make it look better...get your hair cut, get it dyed, get some sun, use some moisturizer (I know this is a chick thing, just don't get caught...). But above all, make yourself feel good about you - and the girls will fall all over themselves to be with you! Good luck

Do I think its morally wrong - no, there's a time and place for everything. And who better to have benefits with than someone I care about. But...its a very dangerous thing to flirt with. Depends on how old you are. Depends on whether you are BOTH truly want nothing more or if one of you is secretely harboring thoughts of partnerdom. Its very rare for a girl to be able to continue a sexual partnership and not become emotionally involved...and often difficult for the man too. Its tough thing - if you go into it, do so CAREFULLY! And COMMUNICATE OFTEN!!!! Talk about it often to be sure all is continuing the same and not progressing to new place without your knowledge.

Well, not knowing really all you told her, but just assuming based on what you said...YES, I think it was very acceptable. First of all, you seem to have dumped some VERY serious stuff in you lap...how could you expect her to handle this all on her own? Especially as she may not know truthfully how to help you. Secondly, she CARES about you!!! If someone I loved told me that they wanted to kill themselves and numb themselves with drugs - you can be SURE that I would be contacting someone. Personally I thought is was pretty fair of her to tell her mom and not a school counselor or a psychologist or YOUR PARENTS - someone that could get you some help! Should you trust her again? ABSOLUTELY - SHE HAS YOUR BEST INTERSTERS AT HEART!!!! Now, don't get me wrong - I do understand why you feel betrayed. But please understand where she was coming from. The last thing she wants is to find you dead and then wonder the rest of her life if she could have stopped it! Call her, explain that you feel a bit betrayed...and THANK HER for caring so much about you!!!!! Perhaps the two of you could discuss what you consider privledged info and what she considers info that HAS to be shared... Good luck

God I truly hope so!!! Otherwise, I'm bummin' bigtime!!! Truly, after so long...I don't know. Like you said, she is busy with her life, you are too. I guess if both people are truly intersted in making it work, there isn't any reason why not. However, if one of you is not sure and doesn't put in the effort...then there's just no way. Truly. Unfortunately, if this woman was truly prepared, ready and sold on the idea...I think she would be trying harder. The best you can do is make her aware you want it...and then let her respond. If she doesn't, you can't make it happen. Good luck

Honestly, sounds like you love this woman. Based on this assumption...move on. If you liked her, but truly didn't care whether she left her husband or not, that would be different (don't get me wrong, I don't condone cheating on a spouse EVER, but thats another post). But its clear that you WANT her to leave him...BUT CHANCES ARE THAT SHE NEVER WILL. I know this is harsh and am sorry. But lets face it, statistics show...something like 85% of cheating spouse's NEVER leave - especially women. Even if she did, why would you want to be with her? First of all, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER!!!! But also, you already feel she's better than you...now that you KNOW she cheats, can you imagine the worry and concern you will carry once she is yours alone? Don't do that to yourself! Sounds to me like you need to spend some time taking care of yourself, rework your look, get your hair cut, buy new clothes, whatever it takes to make YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOU!!! You need to build some self esteem...then and only then might you be able to have a real relationship with this woman (although, its sounds to me like she picked someone who had self esteem intentionally...this way she knows that you are not going to rock the boat and ruin things with hubby). But the truth is, once you get some self worth...you won't need or probably want her anymore. Best of luck ---[added by Secret_Agent_Man from a later post by musicchicus]--- Correction: Forgive...she picked someone who DID NOT have self esteem. -----------------

Sorry sweetie, you've learned some VERY IMPORTANT lessons... 1) The seaweed is not ALWAYS greener in someone else's lake 2) Somethings are best left UNSAID, at least until you are sure It sucks, but its part of growing up. Right now, your girl is feeling hurt, embarrased, mistrust, etc., etc. My only suggestion of how to get your girl back, is to remain faithful, trustworthy, continue treating her like a queen and be her friend. Eventually she will begin to feel comfortable with you again and the two of you may be able to move past this. Don't push it though. Let her come to the conclusion herself (if you pressure, she will see this as a smoke screen and find it harder to trust you). And, the next time you think you may have feelings for someone else, BE SURE before you say anything. What is that line from that song... Be sure which side of the door your on before you close it... Something like that. Good luck

I think he wants some space...regardless of whether it is permanent. I think that he said what he said because he wants to keep you hanging on, just in case something better doesn't come along. USE YOUR ANGER!!! Get out there, date, meet new people, etc. Let him decide that he wants you back...but by then you will be so BEYOND him that YOU won't want HIM! Anger is a wonderful thing sometimes. If only some of us could reach that step in the grieving process! Good luck

Losing someone like that is very hard, I understand totally! But whatever his reasons (and there could be a million of them...) you can't change them. You just have to continue living. A very intelligent person once said to me... Why get over him? Why stop loving him? Of course, I didn't get this...but here's her explanation... You cared for this person, loved this person. Why should you give that up? You don't have to, its yours. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get out there and get on with your life. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't meet new people and do the things you enjoy and all that. And if he works through his stuff and comes back, then amen. But if not, then at least you have another life to focus on until you hurt less. It will take time, but you will feel better. And, if he truly is the ONE, he'll come back. You just need to give him his time and let him accept that your the one. Give him his space, don't call, move on (as best you can), and see what happens. Peace

Keep doing what your doing...avoiding him. Don't tell your friend. This will just put a rift between you two. Eventually, he is going to do something and she will begin to see him for what he is and then you approach the subject...but while she is smitten with him, you won't win. Good luck

Honestly, its an ego thing. Forgive me guys, but... Men have an innate need to feel successful and manly and in control, etc. This comes from the days of cavemen when their goal was to bring home the hunt, etc. Women, however, were more team members. We gathered with the other women and worked together to feed the children (regardless of whos they were), to wash the laundry, etc. (aren't we glad times have changed). Anyway, if your ex fixes you up with one of his friends...he takes the chance that you will find this friend more attractive than you did him, more sexy, more whatever...do you know what I mean? Now, if you were just some fluzy that he had picked up off the street, that would be different...but it is clear that he really cares for you as a friend and isn't prepared to hand you off to another buddy...in a way, this is really sweet. In this situation, I would just call his ego out...I would say hey, if you wanna date my friends then you have to be comfortable with my dating yours. Fix me up...and I'll do the same. Good luck

Could be that he misses you...could also be that he is dating someone new and is wondering if you are...could be he's just wondering. Either way, you won't know until he either comes calling or not. Don't let yourself think about it. Keep avoiding contact. If he cares, he will call evetually.

I'm with you sweetie! I'm out here feeling the same things. I just think that perhaps I am a little older a little more wise than you... You will live thru this and you will prosper. There are better and brighter out there for you! Go do something wonderful for yourself...bubble bath, choc bar, etc. Love yourself!

The rules to getting a bf/gf back: 1) As ridiculous as this sounds, the best way to get a guy back when they are trying to run away....is to pull back. I know it sounds ridiculous, but its true. If you chase him and keep trying to get in touch with him, etc. he is going to need to keep running from you. But if you back off, stop calling, stop emailing, just stop! He'll begin to wonder whats going on, that you don't need him anymore? And people can't stand feeling not wanted or needed. 2) Get a life that doesn't involve him. Again, sounds ridiculous, but if he sees that your no longer calling him and then he comes looking for you and your just "too darn busy" to be with him...he is going to say to himself...oh my, this girl is pretty cool - I can't lose her!! And, if worse comes to worse and he doesn't come back...you've already got this other life going and you no longer need him!!! 3) By no means ever tell him you love him or miss him or need him, etc. during a break-up. He is breaking up with you and DOES NOT want to hear this! He will need to pull away from you more because of it...see rule number one! Good luck!

Don't assume he has done wrong uhnless you have a good reason to expect wrongdoing...maybe something came up. Maybe he is just really involved in something...who knows. Give the guy a break!

You could try catching her in a lie...and get the truth out of her that way. If she's too sly for that...just confront her. When she asks how you knew, tell her, "I didn't. I just suspected. But you just verified it for me..."

Parents are funny creatures...they are not just looking at what is happening right now, this minute. They also look at what could happen. Yes, it is totally acceptable for two people to sleep next to one another...HOWEVER, lets be honest! Your a 16 year old GUY and she's a 16 year old GIRL!!! Although you may have nothing but the most pure intentions, it is VERY easy for things to progress...and progress...and progress. Maybe not that night, maybe not the next...but eventually, HORMONES take over and whammo, she knocked up!!!! Right or wrong, that is what mom and dad are thinking... Give them a break, they really have your best interests at heart. --- addition from later reply (edit by SwingFox) ---- Oh...I forgot another very important issue...peer pressure. That is THEIRS, not yours! If their friends or neighbors or your friends parents heard that they were letting boys and girls "sleep together"...oh my GOD!!!! They would be the embarrasements of the town!

Sounds like a couple of things...he could be trying to pull away, he could be asserting his manlyhood (arghh) or he could be just a jerk. Regardless, who does he think he is "flipping out" on you. You absolutely have the right to know where he is going and who he is going with...your are essentially married. Being me, I would automatically assume that he is doing something shady on account of his reaction...but he could just be feeling overwhelmed and needing some space. My guess is he is that sort of guy, considering you have had his child and he still hasn't married you. It sounds like you two need to confront these issues you have before its too late. Find a good time and ask him about his behavior - NOTE: I said ask, not confront - don't make him feel like he's been bad...this will only shut him off! And don't accuse! If this goes well, suggest talking to a counseler or something like that. If he flips out again or responds very negatively...be prepared to give him an ultimatum. Make it clear that you will NOT live with him acting this way and that you refuse to accept his cheating. Be prepared to lose him... But remember, just because you too are no longer together does not mean he can't and shouldn't be a part of your son's life!

Hmmm, hard to tell without more info... Try making small moves and showing a little more interest in her...ask her what she's doing over the weekend, ask her if she has a boyfriend, that kind of stuff. If she seems receptive, go for it.

Well, if this woman is in therapy and has decided that she is, in fact, an alcoholic...then she could very well be trying to protect you (probably because she loves you). Its also possible that, whether or not she loves you, she may feel that the relationship is just too much to deal with right now...with everything else she is dealing with. I am truly sorry for this...but the regardless of which it might be, it really is better for you to move on... I don't know whether you are capable of being just her friend, you need to decide that based on your feelings and expectations... Maybe she is not capable of being just yours. But you NEED to let her go...she needs you to let her go to let her deal with her problems. And kudos to her for acknowledging them and wanting to fix them!!!! If you really, truly care for this girl, you will do just that. If the two of you are able to remain friends while she works things out, that would be wonderful! I am sure she NEEDS a friend right now... But you must truly and honestly be SURE that you can be JUST her friend...that includes the possibility that she may work through some issues and discover that she in fact doesn't love you or she may fall in love with someone else along the way. You must be able to deal with that! Think it through...

Forgive me, had trouble with my computer. I think that you have already called for help. That is why you are speaking with me. You've just chosen to call someone/where with people who can not relly help you. Sometimes, friends and family don't get it. Oftentimes, they don't take you seriously because they don't see through... Strangers, particularly those at prevention organzations, are there for nothing else...they are there to talk with you and LISTEN to you and let you say everything you have to say. Hey, if it doesn't help, you can always return to your original plan...but at least you make your decision having tried EVERYTHING ELSE first. Furthermore, why would you want your poor mother to come to visit to find something like that...do you not have any feelings for her? Don't you think that she will spend the rest of her life hating herself, berating herself and thinking about suicide herself because she did not know or help you? I know that you are hurting right now. I don't blame you. It sounds like there are reasons to be so in your life (although honestly I don't think that not having been with a woman is enough...there must be more there you haven't shared with us). But if you just talk some more, who knows. What if tomorrow is the day that everything turns around? A little too happy-go-lucky perhaps...but what a chance to take???