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secret_agent_man

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  1. secret_agent_man
    Ahh, I completely know how you feel... I want to stress something, you don't have to think you're "not in control", and that you "shouldn't have these strong feelings". I think she's very wrong there. It's human; it's emotion; it's normal. My views are, if she doesn't want to have you feeling so strongly about her, she should stay away for a while, and not tempt you. I don't see anything wrong with your actions... as I said, you're human. Now, I do feel differently if you run accross her in public... that's a whole different situation, and emotions should be restrained. But I do think if she's going to come over and visit you, she shouldn't expect you to be able to "turn off" your emotions. If she says she doesn't know, maybe you should think of suggesting that she takes a break from seeing you to figure it out, and that way you'll at least have your peace to figure yourself out as well. Try to help her see that there are two people involved here, and that as confused as she is, you are just as confused. Best of luck in all that you do, I hope I brought you some kind of guidance S.A.M.
  2. secret_agent_man
    Well, I see a difference between "making out" at the movies and "kissing" at the movies. If you're planning on making a spectacle of it, then I'd suggest to save it for a more appropriate and secluded time... but as far as passing a few kisses, I don't see any problems there! In short, if the movie theater is pretty empty, and you're in the back, then I wouldn't worry about it. If you're sitting towards the front at the premier of Lord of the Rings... well... I'm sure you see my point Hope that helps, have fun! S.A.M.
  3. secret_agent_man
    Faerie, We all know the pain of someone's passing, and we all feel for you right now. Especially around the holiday times. My best suggestions are just to keep the family ties that you have as strong as possible. Holidays are the time for families to come together, and show the power of those deep ties. Laugh together, and cry together. Emotions are necissary, and fighting them makes it worse. Something I suggest, although it can be hard, is to sit around a fireplace or christmas tree, and talk about all the good times in the past. Talk of all the things you look back and smile on. This can lift a huge weight off of everyone, just being able to vent, and let out emotions. It also helps to see the good points of things because you can only cherish the good times more and more. My thoughts are with you and your family, and I wish you all a happy and loving holiday S.A.M.
  4. secret_agent_man
    I am in complete agreement with that, someone outside of the loop (youth counselor, pastor, trusted friend) is the best approach. A mediator is exactly what's needed. The reason I posted, however, is because of something you said... I do realize that there are people out there that are much worse off Although some people have it "worse" than others, I strongly feel that any situation that would drive someone to attempt suicide is just as bad as any other, and none should be taken lightly. I am very glad to see that you want to help her, and that you care about her. On the other hand, please be aware that it is not healthy for you to take on too much responsibility for this, because as much as you may be able to help, the situation is not yours to control. I would hate to see this bring you down as well, that's too often the case. Be there for her, try to help her as much as you can, but don't let it destroy who you are either... Best of luck, my best wishes are with you and her. S.A.M.
  5. secret_agent_man
    Well, This story breaks my heart once again, because things like this happen, and really don't have to. I don't blame any of this on the "internet", I just can't see it that way. People put themselves in situations like this, and then tend to blame it on "internet dating". Look at it from this point of view: If the girl was 16, on vacation alone to New York, and walked into a club and met some 45 year old guy... would it be safe for her to just go home with him? Do you think his intentions would be correct because they had met in person first, and not on the internet? I feel strongly that the internet is no different than talking to someone in real life, but the only possible difference is in how it's perceived. People really need to take responsibility for their own actions, and not put themselves in these situations. I am not excusing what this man did, rape is wrong any way you throw the dice, but in situations like these, I tend to think that the victims make themselves easy targets... and that's exactly what rapists are looking for. Just my input, good topic! S.A.M.
  6. secret_agent_man
    Hi Mark, I can understand your frustration completely. I don't think she's doing any of this on purpose, but I really don't think she's stable. It seems like she's jumping from rebound to rebound, and if you get involved right now, your risking heartbreak. My suggestion is to wait until the air clears. If you are truly interested in this girl, then I suggest you wait until she is a bit more self-confident. If she is more sure of her emotions and sure of what she wants, then there is a much greater chance of a successful relationship. Just my thoughts, hope it helps! S.A.M.
  7. secret_agent_man
    Well, it happens that I'm in that very same situation as we speak! I think what's happening is that your ex is (or was) missing the deeper emotional bond that you shared. More often than not, when people get out into the single life because of uncertainty, they end up missing that connection. I myself have been on the other side, and I happen to know that when you leave someone you care about, you tend to get a hollow feeling inside. That feeling will grow, especially if the breakup was just due to her just being confused, unsure... etc. My best advice is that if you want it to work, just stick it out, and hang in as a friend. Realize that as much as it sucks to be in the "friend" category, she probably looks at you as MUCH more than that, due to the bond you shared. Just do what you're comfortable with, live for yourself, and if you want to spend time with her... I say go for it! You never know where it might lead. I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, but if it wasn't really on bad terms, then my gut feeling is that there's still hope there. Really, it seems that the result will rest on your actions, but nobody can predict the future, so don't break yourself in half in hopes of something that might not be possible. Hope that helps, keep yourself happy and comfortable! S.A.M.
  8. secret_agent_man
    I don't remember the statistics exactly, but I want to clear that last post up a little bit, as it shouldn't be directed to only women. These are estimations, so don't go nit-picking the numbers! "It has been estimated that about 20% of the population have genital herpes and 90% have oral herpes (cold sores) About 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (cold sores). An estimated 25 percent of adults in the United States have genital herpes. Most don't know it because their symptoms are too mild to notice. Herpes viruses are extremely common and around 100 have been identified in a variety of animal species. All of the herpes viruses are members of one family, the Herpes viridian, and have certain characteristics in common, such as their ability to establish latency during primary infection. This means that following initial infection the virus remains dormant, to be reactivated by certain triggers such as an individual's immune status, stress or sunlight." --
  9. secret_agent_man
    Hello! It's great of you to be concerned, too many people let things go, and they can get out of hand... that's one of the main reasons STD's spread so easily. BUT, I must agree... it sounds very much like an ingrown hair to me. I wouldn't get too worried about it, but I would definitely just go to the doctor to make sure! It's really respectable that you're making the appointment, a lot of people get too emberassed about these things. So in summary... don't freak out until the doctor says to freak out! S.A.M.
  10. secret_agent_man
    Awwwww, wy is it that people think romantic poems are cheesy! And maybe they are, but what's wrong with that??? Honestly, my thoughts about the poems... The best way to show someone you love them is by dropping the "strong" act, and showing them your true feelings, your vulnerability. Maybe it's just me, but sometimes showing that you can be "cheesy" and not care means more than you think to your loved one. S.A.M.
  11. secret_agent_man
    Hello again! I can definitely see both sides of it, I understand where you're coming from. What your friends are trying to tell you is that they don't want to see you rebound into a bad relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting someone there, but you shouldn't feel as though you need someone to make yourself happy. In essense, that's what they're trying to tell you. I am in agreement to a certain point, because sometimes you need to heal and figure out how to be satisfied and content with yourself. Once you can do that, you're much more functional in a relationship, because you and your partner can both live separate but intertwined lives. If you grasp at something just to have an emotional pick-me-up, so to speak, the risk is there that you will "live through" the other person, and almost build an addiction. Sort of a false love that is merely there because you needed to fill an empty space. You also risk losing out on a huge chance for growth. That growth will happen if you spend time figuring out how to make yourself happy without needing someone else. I'm not saying you're wrong by an means, I'm just trying to shed a little light on what your friends are most likely thinking. I hope that helps, best of luck in all that you do! S.A.M.
  12. secret_agent_man
    Hello, thanks for coming back to eNotalone for advice! What I see here is that you're taking on too much responsibility. His actions and his choices are not up to you, and if he seeks happiness on his own, he will be much better off for it. If you are the only thing that can make him happy right now, then he will just cling to that, and never grow as his own person. Also, if you take on that responsibility by helping him whenever he falls, it will bring you down as well. You need to be your own person, and live for yourself.... just as he does. I would suggest disconnecting from him, but this is just my opinion. I know from being in his position that it was good for me to hit that "rock bottom", and scrape myself up all by myself. If my ex had been there to comfort me, I probably wouldn't have grown and matured from my experience. That's just one opinion, I hope that helps! S.A.M.
  13. secret_agent_man
    Hello! I understand what you're saying, you can't quite tell if she's interested or not... My thoughts? She might not be "interested" yet, but she definitely doesn't seem "un-interested". What I mean is, she might just think you're fun to hang around with, and she might not look at you as a romantic interest. Either way, seeing as you're diggin' her, you might as well go and hang out with her! Who knows, maybe you read those hints right! If not, maybe she hasn't even thought about it yet, and the only way to let her know is to go for it! Just take it slow, become close friends... don't jump at anything just yet. Time will tell all. Good luck! S.A.M.
  14. secret_agent_man
    First off, from a guy who's been there... a decent girl looks past it anyway, especially since it's not a permenant disfigurement. If she says you're "hot", believe her. She sees you, not your acne. Having had acne pretty badly, I can make the following suggestions if you're looking for ways to improve it: 1. My main problem was that I washed my face too often. This becomes almost a "skin addiction", where it just produces more oil and over-compensates for the dry skin. 2. Most facial cleansers (oxy-pads, creams) don't work well. Some do for some people, give them a shot... but don't over-do ANYTHING. 3. Proactiv Solution (I think that's what you were looking for, mahlina). I tried this, and it seemed to help, but it costs a fortune, and was definitely not worth what I paid. As you can see by Mike's post above, this is only my personal experience so it can't hurt to try. 4. This is what worked best for me and many others I know Prescription oral medication. The one that did wonders for me was "minocyclene" (not 100% sure if that's spelled correctly, but it's close). From what I recall, it is similar to Tetracyclene - which I know has helped many others. I'm not sure if the medication had anything to do with permanantly getting rid of my acne, but either way... it's gone now. All in all, if it's nothing major, you're probably stressing out too much about it... and that never helps in itself. But I would suggest talking to your doctor about the prescription meds, from my experience. Either way, they usually disappear with time, so don't get too hung up on it. You're definitely not alone with it. Hope that helps! S.A.M.
  15. secret_agent_man
    Well, we're always glad to lend an ear! You're definitely not alone, and there are plenty of decent guys out there, it just may take time to find the right one for you. What's wrong with making a sweater?!?! (I know you were kidding, but still...) The ideal girl for me would be the one who likes those quiet nights anyway! lol... so being laid back isn't so bad, no worries! S.A.M.
  16. secret_agent_man
    Hold on to your seat here... but you are a rare woman, and one that many many honest, good hearted men have been looking for! Don't EVER sell yourself short, the only thing that I see from your post is that you know what you want out of life! The main reason people your age go to parties all the time and don't respect themselves is that they have no goals, and have not figured out what they aim to do with their lives. I'm not saying that going to a party is a bad thing, and I'm not saying that everyone who parties fits into my description, but I think you know what I'm getting at. Honestly, though... you seem to be a very intelligent woman, and you seem to understand yourself well, so all you need to do to find a good guy is to look in the right places! This is where I'm not experienced, as I usually don't go looking for men But maybe someone else can give some advice as to where to find these guys? Anyone? Best of luck, keep your head up! S.A.M.
  17. secret_agent_man
    Hello, I'm sorry to hear of your problem, and thanks for bringing it to eNotalone.com! First of all, I'm glad you realize there is a dilemma, that's the first step. If he doesn't give you any reason to not trust him, then the problem probably is related to your own insecurites. Are you happy with yourself? Is there something about yourself that makes you feel "not good enough for him"? (which is never true, by the way) S.A.M.
  18. secret_agent_man
    Hello! My thoughts on that... I agree. Giggirl is dead right. I do have another idea, though. If you have a nice, friendly and somewhat quiet bar close by, you could always go by yourself! I know it might seem a little awkward, but I've found that it's quite easy to strike up a conversation with just about anyone when you're by yourself, it just takes some getting used to. I've aquired many friends out doing that exact thing! Usually, I just sit down next to someone, and I mean anyone... not just a female... and say something like... "everyone's got a story, tell me yours!". You'd be surprised how interesting EVERY person is once you get it out of them. So if your looking for new friends to hang around with, that's my best suggestion! And who knows, maybe you'll end up finding someone at one of those bars that happens to be a love interest... you never know! Hope that helps, I know it takes a bit of confidence, but it's a good feeling when you actually get used to it, you realize that confidence is easy to come by! S.A.M.
  19. secret_agent_man
    I have to disagree from my perspective... I have a few female friends in my life who I would never even think of "getting with". Yet... I'll still go out to dinner and a movie with one of these friends, but for no other reason than they are my friends. To fully answer your question, it would help us if you could add some more detail to your situation by possibly giving examples... Thanks! S.A.M.
  20. secret_agent_man
    Hello, thanks for coming to eNotalone.com! I don't know how to approach this situation, because I don't know what your intentions are. Are you just curious if he is gay or not? The point I want to make is... if he is gay, it is for him to decide when to tell people. It's something completely up to him, and if you push him to get an answer, he might just close down altogether. Really, the healthiest thing for him is to just let him do it on his own time. If anything, he's probably confused about his sexuality... he may not know anything for sure. At your age, it is common for people to be confused about these things. He may not even be gay at all so just let things go and if he's gay, he'll tell you when the time is right. Hope that helps! S.A.M.
  21. secret_agent_man
    Exactly... Take it as fun, and only entertainment. If the commercials you see on late night television are "true psychics", then why would they have "for entertainment purposes only" written in small print at the bottom of the screen? I personally don't believe in any of this, but I can't fault someone for believing... I can't exactly prove anything. I myself can read tarot cards, and there's nothing psychic about it really, theres just a method to learn. If spending the time to learn how to read these makes me a psychic, then I suppose I am one. All in all, take it how you want, and have fun, but don't get too wrapped up in anything. Most of the time they make the responses or "readings" so vague that they would work for anyone in any situation. Just my opinions... I'm sure others feel differently, though! S.A.M.
  22. secret_agent_man
    My thoughts? If your he won't ask her then he's never going to find out, and he has a big possibility of missing out. There's not much else anyone can do without playing silly, immature games. Just tell your friend to ask her or forget her. If he's really interested in the girl, nobody's should have to do the work for him. There's no reason to be shy about it... if he asks, she might say no, and she might say yes! If he never asks, he's definitely got no chance! Follow me? Hope that helps, it's just my 2 cents! S.A.M.
  23. secret_agent_man
    99, I hear you loud and clear, I was in that situation recently... Here's what I realized. Although she's probably not trying to play mind games with you, your mind is getting played with either way. What I would do is just live for yourself, and do what makes you happy right now. I know it's hard to get her out of your mind, and I'm not saying you've got to forget her... and I'm not even saying that you should find someone else... but no matter what you do, she's going to make up her own mind. It's something you don't want to force, she'll do it on her own time, and the only choice you have is to accept it or not. As to what she's thinking, nobody can answer that. Most likely, she's just as confused as you are. If you want to wait it out longer, just hang in there, live day by day, and don't go nagging her with emails and phone calls. Let her miss you, and find out what it's like with you not there. Don't try to get her jealous, just be comfortable by yourself right now. Good luck, I feel your pain... S.A.M.
  24. secret_agent_man
    ---[side note]--- confusedwhcb, I edited the post, and I am a moderator, it was not her ex --- Anyway... if you don't want to feel like a "backup", then don't let yourself be one. In other words, remove yourself from the situation, and you won't risk being used. Think about it this way... he's going to do what he wants to do anyway, he's free to do it now. If in time you two can grow back together, you will have to choose then whether you want to forgive his past or not. If you stick around and let him have the benefits of you when he wants them, without giving you what you want, he'll never figure it out for sure. The only choice you can make at this point is what you want to do with your OWN life. If you want to be used, you can let that happen. If not, you can bite the bullet and walk away. If it was meant to be, he will come back... That's my opinion, and I didn't mean to sound harsh in any way, I've just been there myself and learned the hard way. I hope it helps! S.A.M.
  25. secret_agent_man
    Hello, I understand your concern, but I would like to add a different side to this. I know this might not make sense, but even if he did move the condoms to the nightstand for a specific reason, that reason was quite possibly "just in case", if you know what I mean. Technically, you two are separated right now, and although he may not have plans to be with someone else, take heart in the fact that he may just want to be careful about a situation that comes up. It seems that he isn't hiding anything, but whether you trust him or not is up to you, nobody can decide that but yourself. One thing I want to stress is that if you are uncomfortable about this, try not to keep it all inside, make sure you discuss it with him before it gets out of control in your head... Good luck! S.A.M.
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