cruisin

lost -- You HAVE lost self-esteem, that is an inevitable result of being in an abusive relationship. BUT!!! you have also gained something, perspective into such a dynamic. The fact that you are out is proof that you are a survivor. Consider the weight gain, depression, any other nasty things, to be your battle scars. Okay? Battle scars. The last thing you need now is to start starving yourself to get "pretty." Good weight loss takes time. What you need now are some good friends, a lot of support and a lot of love -- start by loving yourself. Love that you are strong and have survived. Here's a link to a great forum for weight loss. I am there a lot. Check out some of the forums. There are tons, from support to just chat to excellent info on diets and exercise. I like Support Groups in the Support Forum. Find a thread you like and just jump in. See you there! link removed

No, brahman, you didn't say anything about opening up to people that I can see. And you said you only show your neediness to your girlfriend. Yes, I can certainly deal with being called a dork! But, I don't understand the difference between being called something and being told "who you are." ????? Anyhow, whatever! We're supposed to be trying to help cristian dude out here not make this into an over-analysis of what we say to each other!

Now who's got his dander up? brahman -- It is funny, that. What else do we have to go on?!?! And I'm glad you're not such a jerk! I didn't say that, maybe someone else? I did mention the cavewomen, remember? If the guy JUST wants women, I suppose he could always pay for them, right? Dorks? Did you determine that by something we wrote perhaps? Chill, brahman, please!!

brahman -- It sounds like you consider making people angry to be like a points thing, oops, there goes another one, rack up a point for me.. If you only show need to your girlfriend then I'm afraid you're going to live a very insecure life and/or isolated life. And most people, once they find out you are so needy (and you bet it shows) are going to stay away from you because they know you won't open up to them. They won't want to open up to you. Sounds like fun. Real grunt stuff. And, you know, maybe the one-night stands and the club scene are about cave men AND women, but good healthy longlasting relationships are NOT.

Glad you said something anti, though I would tone down the "girls" generalization. I think it's a human thing.

brahman -- Did it ever occur to you that the reason he sounds needy is because he is asking for advice and has come to this board to get that. Ah, like, duh?!?!

Mandoro -- I'd like to say one thing about the "people love to talk about themselves" thing. This is not necessarily true, not at all, at least not in every sense of the term. There is information about oneself and there are opinions or things that reveal a person's personality or character. If you're talking about the latter, then fine, people will like that, but I think many people misunderstand the phrase "talk about yourself" and it IS misused. The opener "tell me about yourself" is looking more often than not, for facts, not opinions. I would say it's not unusual for people, especially women used to being hit on by all sorts!, to not want to talk. I find it very annoying when people I don't know come right out and ask me questions about myself. I find it very intrusive. People from different backgrounds and different cultures perceive personal questions differently. Of course, there are degrees of "talking about yourself" and depending on the situation you have put yourself in, then people will be more or less likely to talk about themselves. I mean, if I go to a party, I feel rather obligated to answer questions about myself. Then again, not too personal. But outside, to a stranger, I'm not likely to say much at all. Also, I interview people as a part of my work as a journalist and often people don't want to talk about themselves, or they at least don't want to FEEL like they are being bombarded with only the type of questions that, if answered, will be very revealing about themselves. A lot of these people are very well-known or very private people and just tired of being asked about themselves. A lot of people are like that, even though they aren't celebrities (although of course, most of us our in our own minds, right?! ) Many such people will slowly reveal themselves to you but but not so willingly and very often not in an obvious way, not in a direct way. So, you want to keep the questions aimed at various things. You want to jump from personal facts to current events, opinions, back and forth. If they mention a personal experience go to that for a few questions, go in, come back out, say something about yourself, your own experience, then back to them. Keep the movement and change the focus of your question. And always, when they are talking about themselves, SHOW INTEREST. You don't have to pry or ask them to go into detail, but actually listen to them, or really look like it, act sincere, a concerned look, a raised eyebrow, something that knows you REALLY heard what they said. Yes and no questions are fine. And give people time to answer on their own. Pauses are important. Linger on their "yes" or their "no" a bit with a look of slightly expectant concern and see if they want to elaborate. DON'T repeat what they said. It sounds like you're annoyed that they don't feel like elaborating (which you may be but...) But most importantly, keep the movement and focus of your questions changing in order to keep the whole thing light. You'll see where someone is comfortable and where they are not. Keep them comfortable. Unlike me, you don't HAVE to get a printable story out of them. A lot of times I have to make people slightly uncomfortable or I walk away with a very pleasant conversation but NO story! But, in most situations, if you keep people comfortable, you will have an enjoyable time. If YOU had an enjoyable time, they will likely have had an enjoyable time. And that's what you ARE looking for, right?

xcountryprincess -- You said it. It's hard. And there's really nothing you can do about it. But you'll find that moving on is not so bad. You've got to want to move on though. A big part of your relationship was, as you said, both of you not "having someone." That has changed for her and that's why the relationship has changed. You need to find a new best friend and have that friendship based on something that is more inherent in each other, in other words, something about that person's personality and character. Relationships based on situations are very likely to change when the situation changes. Those based on each other will weather a change in situations. Sometimes you don't realize what a relationship was based on until the situation changes and that can hurt. Move on. Misery loves company. But company isn't necessarily a friend.

Krushed -- I disagree with the once a friend always a friend thinking. Even "chemistry" changes. After all, what is chemistry except for feelings we have based on what we know (which can be very little) or what we imagine about a person. How many people who start things on the basis of chemistry have those things continue into a longterm and healthy relationship? Not that many. People are constantly evolving (or let's hope they are) and as they change they become different people almost. Different people see and respond to people differently, even if it's only one of them that has been changing. I'm 46 and I can tell you for a fact that the older you get the more you will hear things like, "I would never have liked you in my 20s, or 30s, but now..." Not only age, but different experiences can have dramatic changes on someone's perspective. However, I think, that if there are no such experiences or you are not allowing for the years to bring about an age change, then things are not likely to be different. "Experience" comes in all degrees though. And you usually don't know what is going on in every aspect of a person's life and less so in their psyche. Remember, too, that it is harder to make the move from friend to lover than it is to, say, have a lover, and then go...what was I EVER thinking?! Usually that's because things don't work out or you're rejected. But the friends-only people aren't given the chance. Like some others here, I would say, don't belittle the title of "friend." And don't think it is anything less than a lover. I, for one, think it is far more important. There are many exciting lovers who are not friends, but the only nurturing lovers will always be friends too. I don't know if your "friend" is using the term to mean someone she is indifferent about or if you can actually be real friends. I hope it's the latter. But in any case, NOTHING when it concerns two living beings is EVER written in stone! Take heart but don't obsess! Ok?

You're welcome and you're certainly not an idiot. It's extremely hard to read the tone of posts. ...I know I tend to come accross way harder than I mean to because people don't know that my often cut-to-the-quick words are always couched in caring.... Getting out there and asking is the best thing and you did that. Wow. Wish there were more guys like you around my neck of the woods....

Some -- LOL. I think OCD is not something you can just turn on/turn off when you feel like it. You probably just want to analyze everything. Firstly, you're not making a fool of yourself. I think making a fool of yourself in a relationship is not really a valid concept...in other words....anything goes....ok, mouth open, drool dripping out...that may be kind of foolish. As for making an impact....CUT the strategic thinking. This is NOT a movie. I am soooo sick of the utter nonsense that is coming out these days in the movie theaters and on TV. But, it's understandable. Just think of the people who are making the stuff...ok, beside the point. Take it from an old hand. Why do people remember you? They remember you because they had fun! Can you say that word? FUN. Short, easy, to the point. It's not about tricks or strategies. It's about laughter and emotion and feeling life. If YOU are having fun, then she'll probably have fun (I'm talking about your regular kind of fun here, nothing totally male-oriented or anything perverse). Talk to her, ask her questions, keep the mood light. Tell her about yourself in equal dosage. Lay OFF the "you and me stuff." Lay OFF the "you make me feel good stuff." That's for the movies. That's for the reviews. We don't want to hear that on a date. All it does is make the guy come accross as super insecure or super full of himself or it makes it sound to the girl that he was expecting less. I mean, whenever I hear that (and I hear it a lot ) it's like, "yeah, well, why WOULDN'T I make you feel good?! Look, if you like her, you will BE having fun just being with her. If she likes you she will have fun. If she doesn't like her there is no sense in trying to force anything. You can't force it. It may seem that way but in the end, the forced smilies and polite replies will pale and the true feelings will come out...ick. Just go for what's real. It's easy and it's fun. Ok?

cristian -- Look, kid, I'd be your girlfriend if I wasn't old enough to be your mother! I know it hurts but don't dwell on it. That's the only thing I can say. The world today has become like a one-size-fits-all, or it's trying to be. A lot of people are buying into that because, well, that's what most people do, they buy into what's safe, which means not stepping out of line. It means doing what others do. And because in this world where we can all hear the same things practically and talk to each other all around the world and spread banal bits of popular culture from one part of the planet to another in a fraction of a second, a lot more people than not are doing the same old thing. It is unbelievably boring and believe it or not, the vast majority of people like boring. They pretend they don't. They pretend they are different and adventuresome and ooh and aah at people who are, but they actually prefer boring, the known, the "safe." If anything, you probably intimidate these kind of people and though I'm sure you'd be happy to be with some boring person just so you'd felt a little less out of it, if only for a little while, don't settle for it!! OK?! If you play down all that you do, you'll probably hook up with someone easy enough, but sooner or later (probably sooner than you'd believe) YOU'LL be the one bored out of his mind. Hang in there kiddo! Why don't you do the searching instead of hanging around waiting for someone to pick you up. You are living in a field of weeds. Get out of it and find that rare flower!

SomeGuy -- I didn't NOT believe you. I just wonder why you are hanging on the words of some girl who doesn't seem to be able to give you a clear answer AND to show it in actions. But now I see your ages and it's all kind of understandable....get out there, play, go through the ups and downs, have fun, get hurt, do it ALL! I'd say for your age you're being way too cautious, asking advice and all. When you're a teen it's all about just DOING, over and over again, not looking for a sure thing, the right way, or anything similar. You sound like a sweetie, an albeit obsessed sweetie, but you are 17!!! I think all 17-year-olds are obsessed. It's a part of what a teenager is. I'm sure Diggity and Poco, being older, mature men and undoubt wiser, will not take offense. But, I am glad you said something. It was hard to read that post about the going out part. I would have taken it as slap in the face if I had taken the time to micro answer your post as Poco had done. Good luck and have fun!

Byaku -- You're really jumping the gun here. First of all, just because someone does not give you the cold shoulder does not mean they want a relationship with you. You talk about wanting things to "work out between us" but it's like woah!! There is no "us." There is nothing to work out yet, not until two people decide they BOTH want to even have a relationship. Relationships are not about just liking each other. You can like tons of people, even love them but not have relationships with them. It's all just a guessing game on our part and I don't like doing that. I just got off a plane from a Hong Kong and it always seems the movies I see these days are full of people trying, trying, trying, pushing, pulling, trying to force others into relationships. Gives me the creeps and hints, no, screams, of desperation. If that is the atmosphere that is influencing Americans these days, God help them. No really, chill a bit there, will ya? Ease up. You didn't do anything wrong per se. A simple change of plans could mean just that, a change of plans. It could be nothing. I change dates ALL the time. BUT, you're saying you "don't want to come on strong" and that was nice but then you say you're going to cook dinner for her?!?! Wait, I may be outta things at this point, but cooking dinner for someone was usually reserved for a much later point in an already ongoing relationship, or it came at the point where the apres dinner scenario was a pretty understood, read "done deal" and involved slipping into the kind of intimate conversations and positions you couldn't pull of in a restaurant. It is possible that your offer of making dinner was seen as being a bit too out of kilter with what she was ready or willing for at this point. You did say that was a surprise though.....hmmm...what did you actually tell her? I'd say it was just a simple change of plans on her part. Oh, and one more thing, the opening...."unless I'm not as bright as I think I am..." Relationships aren't about "brightness." That's why the "brightest bulbs" usually fizzle....at least in my experience...

SomeGuy -- What the heck is with you, guy?! You just got some of the soundest, caring, yet tough, advice there is from guys out there and you come back with some perverse obsessed tale of "going out" with some wacko chick who is obviously just toying with you. Now, that may be what you are into, being toyed with, being strung along. I think some guys, very, very insecure guys actually DO like that because it makes them feel somehow powerful. They think they are highly intuitive or that they hold some spell over a chick, when in actuality, the truth is, that there is really nothing there at all. Yes, e-cuddling, that is pathetic. Talk IS cheap. I don't mean to be so hard on you and I was actually going to be much gentler, but when I saw that last message of yours after that mega-message by Poco, you ticked me off. If you come in here asking for advice you have to be ready to listen to it, not all of it of course, but listen enough or at least LOOK like you're listening enough so that you don't outright insult the people who are trying to help you, the people who are taking you seriously. Are you being serious? It sure doesn't sound like it. What is it with the "she likes me" or "she doesn't like me." Is it such a huge thing to be liked by somebody? I would hope you are liked by lots and lots of people, but just because someone likes you doesn't mean it has to go one step beyond that. Please guy, get a grip!

patience -- You know, it's strange, but I have been told the same by an ex and it hadn't even occurred to me not to believe him (that he hadn't really loved me). At that point I didn't care anymore. He obviously didn't love me anymore and I, painful as it may have been, was not interested in being with someone who didn't love me. And the likelihood that he had not really loved me is likely also why we had come to the point we had. The word "love" is just much too simple a word for a very complex thing, a feeling, a situation, a process. Feeling "love" is not really very hard at all. But that feeling is not really what a relationship is about. It's everything else. I think the whole thing here is not really whether your girlfriend felt "love" for you or not. It's nice if she did but it's rather irrelevant. Obviously, her love was not the lasting kind, meaning it wasn't a part of a bigger and much more valuable package. Immature, superficial, whatever the reason, she wasn't capable of giving you what is necessary for a good, lasting relationship, the kind that lives are built on. Be glad you're out of it. Some people get roped in, more than not. Move on. You'll find better. Go for jewels, not polished glass.

embilee -- I'm surprised you have to ask. Since we don't know you and you don't say whether you're very attractive or unattractive in appearance, we really can't say. Obviously there is something people like about you. Do you find that so unusual? That is my worry, if you do. Because if you do you could also be a target because guys will ALWAYS hit on girls, no matter how old the guys get, and may find you easy prey. If that's not the situation then like Kookoo says, cherish it. I am 46, female, and am probably similar to you. I have lots of young male friends and male friends much older than me. I have always been well-liked by bosses and this has brought on jealousy by my co-workers. They all think we have something going on when we don't...or not really.... I also seem to attract a lot of guys my age who have girlfriends and wives and, frankly, it ticks me off at times that I do. I am hugely bored by the whole thing, because I don't even have a boyfriend. I could ask the same as you, why?!, but, having gotten to this age, I already know the answer, and rather sadly, know it's not because I'm a hot looker. LOL. It's because people of any age like people who respond with vivaciousness, energy, optimism, cheer. I keep things simple. I keep them very forward-looking. It's just the natural way of things. Anyone who brings a bit of sunshine into someone's day is going to be popular. And that sunshine can also be a bit of warmth, a caring word, anything really. Most people are starved for such things, and even more so the older they get. They are in relationships that have gotten to be old-hat, stale, routine, comfortable but worn and weary feeling. My biggest word of advice to you is to WATCH OUT FOR YOU!! People in other relationships or people who are not really interested in YOU as a person, but merely want to be around you, are looking for fuel, looking for someone to pep them up, put a spark back in their lives, but more often than not, they are not willing or able to give you anything in return. Remember that! You can revel in your power but know your fuel must come from elsewhere and know that when the chips are down, you will be left standing alone, so have someone or something in your life that you can COUNT ON, truly count on, whether that is a person or a thing, a hobby, a passion, or love of your self. But also don't get bitter about your being used by people, by having them want to have a bit of you. You are like that because you CAN be like that, and most likely, like all "gifts," you HAVE TO be like that.

Anon -- I don't really see any problem. So what if you fancy this girl. Just keep it at that. Enjoy the thoughts you have. They are free and there you can go wild. You realize a relationship is not plausible or possible, but why try to lessen what you DO have? You said she is is a close friend. If that's the case, then learn to appreciate that more and reap its benefits. As you get older I think you'll see, or I hope you do, that there will be more and more relationships that just cannot be. I am a 46-year-old woman and have a lot of very young male friends...very young meaning anywhere from 20 and up. It would be silly of me to think of having a love relationship with everyone I fancy. But, if I don't, what do I have? That "what" is what you have to define. Make the most of it. There is much to be had from all sorts of people and more to be learned from those people who are different from us. Superficiality can be fun. Materialism can be fun. Hanging out with people like that can be fun as well. It doesn't mean you have to become that way yourself. If often actually helps to confirm what you are about. Be different. Step away from the stereotypical relationships that we see so much of out there. Be freer. Actually, you sound like you are already something of a free spirit, which is great. You don't seem overly worried about others thinking you gay or bi. Good for you. Life has too much to offer to restrict it to the mainstream boring repetoire. Go for different and not just in appearance!

Dear Exinthecity, I just wanted to say that I gave your Web site a quick look and like what I see. It looks very mature and professional. I'll check it out more thoroughly later. Just let me say that if your ex is only going for youth then losing him is no great loss. I know it's a shock and unbelievable but some people stop growing and when that happens they have no where to go but back to where they came from, back through stages others are just going through now. It's not really about looks or youth at all, it's about development and building to one's person, which your ex may not have done. In all fairness his leaving may have been due to something else in your relationship together but don't beat yourself up that it's about youth and looks. If it is, like I said, good riddance to him!

Here's the link for an online thesaurus to look up words with similar meanings or related meanings: link removed And here's a link for a regular dictionary and a reverse dictionary (where you can plug in keywords of the meaning and try to find the right word. There's also a phonetic dictionary for words that sound alike: link removed

Dear EinD, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you. It must hurt terribly and, as you say, without closure makes it hard to get over. But you do have to get over this guy. I hope you realize this. I mean, move on. Like Genesis says, I'd say you're dealing with a cold, cruel type, someone who can turn it off and on at will. And don't think the fault was in your not getting on. He will probably continue to get involved and drop guys over and over. I don't think there's anything you can do to prevent this in the future. You said there were signs but what seem to be signs can also be nothing. It's just a risk we all take when we get involved and having an outgoing personality makes you more vulnerable. You're probably more trusting than a lot of people and that means you're more likely to get involved with the wrong types. I wouldn't break my head trying to figure this out. I think you just got unlucky. Pity him, but stay away. Don't think you can play with this kind of fire. You WILL get burned. You wonder why people can do this kind of thing, dump it all and walk away. Well, they just can. Why is there so much of the horrible things in this world that there are?　Because there are people like this. Don't try to understand. You'd have to be like them to truly understand. Just acknowledge that they exist. Good luck to you. Take that love and give it to someone like yourself, who knows its worth.

I really wouldn't worry about it too much. You may just be going through a period of not feeling too deeply about anything. It could also be because you've matured somewhat, but that all depends on what made you cry before. Since you have been able to cry I really wouldn't worry. Crying has to come from sincere feelings, so trying to "make" yourself cry isn't going to help. There's other ways to get the good hormones to kick in so don't think you HAVE to cry. You said you've been going through a lot in your life recently. Perhaps you're just kind of numb from it all and this is your way of backing off so you don't become overwhelmed. Of course, if this lasts for years it's probably not a good thing but if you stay in touch with your emotions you should be OK. Being able to back off and put your emotions on the backburner is a very important skill. Sometimes in life you won't have the luxury of being able to cry because you have to work or you have to be strong for someone else. Eventually you'll be able to wait and cry when you can allow yourself to. Perhaps now you're just learning this and you're now on the far side of the swing of the pendulum, if you can picture being a sobbing babbling mess as one side and cold and aloof and tearless as the other side. Relax. Life will give you more things to cry about when the pendulum swings back, as it inevitably will. Eventually the swing won't be so wild, which means you'll be able to deal with life better.

Dear Chibi, I sure hope there's nothing going on for you. I know the horrid sick feeling of thinking there is. In my case, this last time, my gut feelings were right on but I've known other times when it was all paranoia. Since you don't want to jeopardize things by broaching this subject if there isn't something going on, then I would perhaps, in addition to what segagirl said about talking about the two of you, bring up and reconfirm what you see as "rules" in your relationship. Some couples have open relationships and some are into swinging and swapping even. But if you feel that having your partner be faithful to you alone is important then bring that up. Let him know how you view your own conduct and then talk about how him having an affair or some sex fling would make you feel and perhaps too what the probable consequences would be, though I'd be careful there because it could sound like a threat. This way it'll at least make things harder for him to cheat (if he cares) and if he isn't doing anything then it gives him a chance to reassure you and also to hear how you feel about him and the relationship. If he is involved with someone in a serious way then this may give him the impetus or the courage to come out with it to you and spare you the humiliation down the road of finding out he's been leading a double life. But again, I certainly hope that's not the case. Hope this helps.

bballjunkie, First, let me thank you for having the decency to even consider how to break up with someone without hurting her too much. That says a lot about you. I sure wish more people would do that. Yes, I would say too, the sooner the better, but that doesn't mean fast and snappy. I would definitely start to talk about how you're having some problems with the relationship and how you've got to talk to her. This is a hard one since she's saying all this about how she doesn't know what she'd do without you but that's all the more reason really that you have to break this to her soon. If at all possible though I would do it in person. There you can use all sorts of body language cues to hint at a bigger problem before coming out and saying it. You can be gentle without being cruel by for example giving her just a friendly hug when you meet instead of anything more passionate. You can break the whole thing to her or just do it in bits. Really try to do it in person. If you can't then phone. Email is the pits. And I would tell the whole truth here. The worst truth for me would be, "there's someone else" but if you just don't have feelings for her then I would stick with the truth. Remember though, it IS going to hurt. There's no way around that. What you do though will make all the difference between really hurting and wounding and just hurting. And it may take quite a long time for her to accept it but if you're consistent and don't give her anything to cling to that it's going to get better again, then she'll come to accept it eventually. Good luck.

Dear Bones, I know how you feel and I'm just going to give you some simple advice. It may sound flippant but you've got to trust that I give it in all sincerity and in the hopes that you can stop hurting like you are. Simply put, STOP thinking of her! Yes, I know you'll say, "But, I CAN'T!!" Not so, the thoughts will be there but what you're doing, all the things she did, the smile, the laugh, the touch, the kiss, all that is TOO TOO much. You're indulging yourself and torturing yourself in the process. Push her out of your thoughts. Put her way in the back. If it'll help think of a box or a drawer or chest that you throw her into whenever she pops into your mind and I know that is like constantly. But that's it, just pop, none of this other stuff, all these details. Those are what are making you hurt. You can do it if you want. But you've got to really want it. So many people say they're hurting but they really don't want to stop hurting. It becomes a habit, a crutch, vice, a pain in the butt for others around you and when they start to stay away you'll really have something to moan about. Give it a try, will you.