cruisin

daisy, Yeah, that is really sad. Guys tend to have big egos, this one probably did as well. He probably doesn't understand friendship and sees any sort of kindness as being sexually related. Yeah, it is ridiculous for him to have thought that...then again, you can say that he probably doesn't have too much happiness in his life and if you gave him this feeling, then you did a really nice thing to him. Let him believe it. Let him play the big man, for once, that he conquered the heart of a younger woman and then dumped her in thanks. Maybe it'll make him feel big, bigger than he feels stuck in his wheelchair. In fact, he probably knows you could never love him like he perhaps wanted you to and THAT could be the problem and what caused him to run. Maybe your being so near and yet so far was just too much for him to take any longer. You know what I'm saying?

Dear daisy, Well, I don't know. Is it possible that you talked a little bit too much about yourself and your problems and he listened politely but really didn't need to hear about others' problems when he surely has plenty of his own? You had a captive audience and he very well may not have wanted to hurt you by telling you he didn't want to hear it, but he really didn't want to hear it and finally thought the only way was to disappear and hope you got the point. Yes, it was the wrong way of doing it, but some people, especially a frail and sickly person, simply do not have the strength for confrontation. What may seem like a simple thing to us, becomes a "fight" with them and they would rather disappear than speak their mind. This is what it seems to be. This would explain his reaction when you finally did find him. Yes, I can see him seeing that as "stalking" when you actually just saw it as "concern" that he was OK after the sudden disappearance. Well, now you know. Can you deal with it and leave him alone? It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. Maybe it's just a lesson in learning to realize that people are not all they seem to be and that just because they don't say anything doesn't mean they don't have the feelings inside. You can try to get them out, but with some people you just never will. That's something they either will learn to change or won't. Focus on YOUR life, not others'.

daisy, Yeah, I think this fellow's response is uncalled for, even though I don't know the real picture. I am going on what you wrote. Phone calls are hardly "stalking" unless they were excessive. You said you only met once a month. Did you call excessively? Did he ever indicate that your calls or visits were unwanted? Is it possible that he did and you didn't pick up on these signals or didn't want to pick up on them, because you did feel it was your "mission" to help him. You may have been intruding there and he may not have been able to tell you or you may not have wanted to hear. I have know many men who truly give no indication that they are not happy with a situation and then bail or do something extreme. There are many people, especially men, who don't know how to express themselves, their emotions their thoughts until they do something extreme. So, it may not have been your fault at all. But really, I'd say you know now. This is not about God. Take your signals from the man. If he is meant to be in your life, he will come back. You have to learn to let people go.

daisy, That does sound very odd, the whole way things changed so abruptly. I'm afraid though, that whatever the reason for his behavior, you are going to have to just let him do what he is doing. It must be a terrible shock for you if you didn't see this coming. I'm not saying that you could have seen it coming or should have, but perhaps there were signs. Perhaps there weren't though and this man has his own problems and needs to deal with them in his own way. Could it be that you were not considering his feelings or that you were misinterpreting them? Could it be that he wanted to be with you in a different way, either closer or less close, and you didn't see it or misinterpreted it. A disabled person is likely to have a very different outlook on life than those of us who aren't in some way handicapped. Perhaps this was bothering him but he never wanted to say anything. There's really no way of knowing what led to this, but from the sounds of it, I'd say you should just let him go, no matter how hard it is for you, no matter how shocked and saddened you are. Just let him go.

yk, I'm with Jane on this. I've been there too. I have no problem with the "seeing a married man" part as far as "it's not right" or something like that, but it is very unhealthy for you. Things aren't always nice and clearcut, especially as you get older and divorces loom or you may even be seeing a divorcee who later gets back together with the ex. However, this is not good for either of you now, because of his situation with the child especially. And, if you are meant to be together, it will happen. If you stay in the picture he will always think he is not giving his family a fair shake or a fair chance and even if they do split up, he may feel guilt that it was due to his affair and that will harm your relationship. If things are rocky, they will likely split up. If they're not really, then you will be the odd man out in the end. You have to have courage to stay out of the picture and let him decide this with just his wife. You are already being much too affected by it all, feeling the pain of being without him, the jealousy. That is not healthy and you are hurting yourself, your self-esteem and your worth in both your eyes and his more than you probably realize. I know it would be really hard, but I would impose a no-contact rule on the relationship for a year or so and then promise to get in touch after that. You have to be brave to do this. It will also cause him to really look deeply at his relationship with his wife now. Best of luck to you.

Okay, Dax, glad we cleared that up. It's very hard to add tone to a message and make sure things come accross in the concerned and caring tone I always mean things. I was considering this a given because I couldn't imagine why anyone would bother to reply if they were NOT concerned and caring. But you say that's not the case a lot of times. So, I will try to be more careful in the future. Still, I think you have to learn to be a bit more thick-skinned, because thin skin is the cause for a WHOLE lot of problems with people. You gotta be like a duck letting the "water" just roll off you. Also "constructive" does not mean pleasant and easy-to-swallow necessarily. You are young. I am not and I think when you get older... lol...you tend to cut to the quick a heck of a lot faster, which probably comes accross as harsh to younger, more delicate ears. Nonetheless, I will gentle down so as not to hurt anyone unintentionally. Hang in there!

Dako, I second darkblue. And even if you WERE insensitive, so what??!!?? that's what venting is about and you warned everyone it was a vent. When you're hurting you can't be expected to be sensitive and all those other nice things. Strength to you brother.

Dax -- Chill! will ya? "outer whatever" should have been "other whatever." No, I'm not calling you Satan and criticism is what you're asking for, isn't it? or do you just want people to come in here and say you're ok, all the others must be nuts?! Yes, you do come accross as bragging. You know most people say things using others' quotes when they actually want to say it themselves, a kind of false modesty. If that is NOT the case, then good, fine. Like I said and I thought I made clear, this is the IMPRESSION I get from you. I wasn't saying you ARE a certain way. Exactly, how could I possibly know that? What I'm saying is, if I get a certain impression, others may be getting that impression too. Correct the impression, not correct you. It's all about presentation. And, for you to think that I would take the time to write a response to your question out of "pure hatred" is ludicrous!! It's so pathetic that you think that someone would care enough to talk to you if they hated you. For you to be seeing things in such a strange light is scary. Why are you so mistakenly on the defensive, so much so that it seems to be an offensive. Chill, kiddo, no one's belittling you. That's good you don't go around dissing people. I'm glad to hear that. And if everything IS fine with you, then like fairie said, maybe it's just a matter of time. Maybe the chicks around you now just are basically all of the same kind and you need to meet some other types that will be on your wavelength. OK?

DaX -- To me it doesn't sound like intimidation so much as you just don't sound very nice. I mean, you don't come accross as someone friendly, especially when you say nasty things (like blowing the lead) just to "bust her chops." What the h@ll does that mean anyhow? "bust her chops??" People aren't going to like you if you're not nice and not friendly. Posing and acting cool or saying clever things will only get you so far, probably where you are now, being "respected" as you put it. I'd say people just don't like your attitude or at least the attitude they perceive. If you ARE really a sweet guy underneath all that outer whatever then start showing it. People aren't looking to find out what you're about by getting to know you better. They want to see what you're about and then get to know you better. You constantly talk about how smart you are, how much "guts" you have etc. Really, you sound pretty arrogant to me. Again, if that's NOT the case, then correct it. If you come accross like that to me, then you will surely have made that impression on others. Look, take it from someone who's been there, smarts aren't what makes a person popular!

Dako, all I can say is WOW! You've got a heck of a lot going on now. How you stay afloat is a wonder and an inspiration to me. It's nice to see someone on this site who isn't a teen or in their 20s. Kind of changes the perspective and the focus to REAL problems. Look, you vent all you want. It's good for you. And, I know about losing a furred friend and how awful that is. That dog was crying all night and probably knew she had to be leaving soon. You were there for her. She'll be looking down on you with love. Don't let people get to you too much. I always think of them as just being nearly blind, or that I remind them of someone they knew and miss. Or try to just smile back and really puzzle them. In any case, hang in there.

musicguy -- about the financial debt. Mine is huge too and getting bigger and soon I won't be able to borrow off the credit cards anymore. I am scared and I could let this paralyze me, but I try to just keep going, just keep making money, trying to reduce expenses. I will beat this thing! Remember, it's ONLY money. Do NOT ever think of it as anything that really, really matter. It doesn't. Life does. It may sound lame and people to whom money means a lot for some sick reason will try to tell you otherwise, including those people who stand to make money off of you, but just remember, if you want to die to get away from the problems, then you can LIVE to get away from. Don't let something so material pull you down.

teacup -- I think it means just that..."wanna clean my house?" I mean, if his house needed cleaning and you were there and he doesn't like cleaning...it's just a joke I assume. I say it to people at the office. I hear it a lot. I wouldn't read anything into it.

blink -- I'm so glad to hear that! You will love it. I used to walk animals all the time. Took a couple home with me too. If a shelter doesn't take you because you're too young, keep looking, or better yet, start up a little business walking dogs for people. Or you could keep it volunteer by helping old folks walk their dogs. You could start that now. It would be less painful perhaps too than working in a shelter...good luck and write me anytime!

blink -- listen, you can cut away if you feel like it. It's no big thing, as long as you don't cut a major artery. But you know, anyone at all can cut themselves up. It may gross a few people out when they first see it but you get used to it. I used to cut myself up. I used to drink till I was almost not breathing. Anything was okay because I was out on my own kind of and away from home, just around other people my age and in a foreign country to boot. Sure, I did it because there were problems in my life but I don't think I was hurting at that point. It was because I wasn't even feeling anymore and the cutting was the only thing that made me feel alive. Being smashed was the only way I could even bring myself to be interested enough in the outside world to want to talk to someone. Or because others were drunk, they'd talk to me. But I remember the main reason I did it was because it shocked people. I knew they didn't care about me but they were more moved by something I did. I did it as a kind of ridicule. blink, you've got to stop hitting your head against the wall with your family. I know it's hard because these are the people you think are supposed to love and care about you, but listen, it doesn't always work that way. Get over it. Get out and find people who DO care AND who CAN and WILL express that for you. We can do that for you somewhat but you need more than a cyber friend. You need real bodies, real voices. It doesn't have to be people. Animals really care too. I would suggest your get your butt out and do some volunteer work, animal shelters, old people's homes. There are some really sad and lonely beings out there and they NEED you, they will CARE so much for you you won't want to leave them alone. You gotta get out and see that there's so much more out there. Ok? The people in your life now are making you feel worthless and so you're going, "okay, I'm worthless... let me show you just how worthless..." DON'T buy in to their bs. They are messed up. Break out of the trap. It's tough when you're still so young, but there are escape methods so you can maintain or regain a sense of self-worth. Try that for me, will ya?

Fif -- Yes, like Bella said, the skin on your eyelids is very, very thin and sensitive. Goggles don't really protect your eyes. The water gets in. The chlorine gets in and it's very drying. Be sure to really rinse your eyelids very well after being in the pool and put some sort of lotion on them for sensitive skin. That may help.

Stick to your guns, Adom. Tell me, what are the terms of a flake?

Adom, we all want to believe there's some good reason for behavior like that. There isn't. It continues because too many people let it continue and don't call them on it. Or they do call them on it and they blow them off and move on to another sucker. The text message bit is classic. It's so much easier to try someone out when it's not face to face. Text msging and emails are making things so easy for all sorts of cads and their female counterparts. There's always another sucker, good people wanting NOT to believe. It's tough but you're the smart one here. You may call it "flaky" but there are better words for it than that, such as "rude, disrespectful, irresponsible, condescending..." She thinks she's being smart, flip and fun and for now she can have her childishness but you're right, you don't need it, you're done with junior high, right?

Erk, I don't know. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, I think your type of personality could be very good for certain occupations, such as therapists, paramedics, police. You need to be help out in these jobs, you don't need to sympathize. I do think that you will want to try to learn what others are feeling even if you don't feel it yourself. This is important to relating to others. It doesn't mean again that you have to FEEL the same way, just understand how THEY feel. I really mean it with the careers that need people who can deal with trauma and loss well. Doctors too. A lot of people don't really feel things for others but they have learned to sympathize and to express sympathy. This is the important thing. Hang in there kid!

I agree with registered. You know, if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer. Right? I mean, the real question is not what she was doing that kept her from calling you, it is WHY the h@ll she didn't call you, where has she been for three weeks? meaning again it's not really a question after all. It's just pure disbelief that someone can treat you with such disregard. Is this what you want? Do you think she doesn't know people don't like being treated like that? Do you think she cares? I'd say it's a big "NO" to all of those questions. And what's with the "I felt stood up?!" You WERE stood up! While you're standing, start walking and move on!

Really, Pip? I didn't think borderline was something treatable. I thought it was a term to define someone who has any number or combination of illnesses. I stand corrected. Then again, what would be the acronym for bipolar disorder? Yes, I googled it now and see this is a whole new thing...hmmm...thanks for clueing me in.

annie -- yes, I realized my mistake and went back and edited my post. But still, like mel, I think the bf's calling went well beyond the call of duty. If I'd been him, I wouldn't have said a thing. Maybe I would have even gone and sent some replies to people....NO, just kidding!!!! Really, hilary, if you think this is something to scream about, I'd start questioning your "control issues." Be lucky you don't have someone devious in your life because you sound like you'd be a sitting duck. You've got to remember that privacy is not a right. It's merely a preference unless we're talking about legal matters and in light of the current U.S. administration I think even that is totally up in the air, isn't it? Definitely talk with your bf about what you like, what you dislike. Don't look at this as a right of yours and what he did as a transgression. There is no right and wrong here. Like I said, for me, if the opportunity presents itself, I'll take it. I won't use anything I've learned to hurt someone but I would have zero qualms about having a look-see into something that popped up at my door.

Sorry, hilary, I'd say you were overreacting and to be honest I think your boyfriend is bizarre to have apologized to you. You didn't log out properly, well, you may have logged out, but the computer put him back at the door. Curiosity. It's human. Give me a break with the privacy stuff. It sounds like you had something to hide. He is, after all, your boyfriend and you're not supposed to have all that much, if anything, to hide, are you? If I were him, I'd be wondering what the fuss was about. If you want privacy stay off his laptop or learn to cover your tracks. When you use the restroom and, naturally, want privacy, you don't scream at people who come in, you lock the door, no?

Weezy, heh, wow, sounds like you are having a tough time, to say the least. I don't know anything about BPD, isn't that bipolar, not borderline? I mean borderline is not a disorder, it is just a description of a personality and could be any sort of disorder. I think you may be talking about bipolar. Anyhow, as far as all the popping pills goes...how do you expect to feel normal if you keep screwing with your chemistry? Stop worrying about feeling "normal." Just feel like you can cope. That's a good thing to aim for when things are really rough. Eat healthful food. Try to exercise. I know it sounds lame but it all affects your body. Your body and mind are one. If one is healthy, the other follows and vice versa. But, if you do have bipolar, medicine will help. Are you seeing someone about this? a doctor? Please try to get help. Hang in there!

No, Maria, that's not normal! Give your dentist a call right now!!! or another dentist.... a doctor can help too in an emergency.