blueangel

Then you still haven't understood something. You haven't understood your purpose or the desire to change the world. That to me is what really comes with "finding God." That and self change. Figure out what inside you can you use to grow yourself for the sake of loving others as well as yourself. It's time to become goal oriented. You're obviously not getting anywhere waiting around in the present. It's time to actually take your life seriously and yourself. Your self esteem is low. You feel worthlessness. THis is not you and you know this. Sit down and organize your life, even with just a simple list to begin with. What can you do? No more excuses. No more waiting. Pick yourself up. Literally pick yourself up. You can do anything if you try. The only problem is, we are all expecting so much more than what we get. We want more. Stop expecting. Just do. Just create.

This was a really stupid post of me to write. It's not even completely true! What the heck was I thinking? How embarrasing. Oh well. Gotta learn. Sorry people. That wasn't me. I was overwhelmed and feeling rebellious and although I was feeling sexually frustrated, it was frustration in life I was mainly reacting to. Underneath that, I was searching for more than sex. I was attracted to anything love and the strongest of that is in a couple relationship. Desperation can sometimes come from envy. And then we can do stupid things. Like this.

I was there. And there was only one pathway that worked to lead me from the darker ones. God. The more I believed, the more my prayers were actually answered. Even unlikely ones. It started happening. I learned to stop pushing my feelings away. I didn't talk to God. That felt like too much strength to try. But I LET my feelings slide. I gave it to the universe. I said "Ok. I'll stop trying to control the life around me." I accepted it. I chose to be happy with nothing. As I fell asleep, I was comforted in an invisible way even as I lie in pain. THings started to strangely work out. I started to learn higher truths. Then once I started learning, the prayers weren't as answered. something switched over. I had to learn how to make myself better, clear out my life so I'd have room for God and to live that way. Once I did... I started to see hope. I wasn't happy completely but I had hope. I stopped thinking so much and just took a walk outside. Stood in awe of the sky and the woods and let silence in my soul take over so I could rest. I'm not the same. I still experience depression but I trust those moments will pass. I trust and they do. I learn something. I learn about pain and pain also matures me. I see other people with more understanding eyes. I can do more with myself now. I learn higher, articulated truths about things, about love and life and the underlying beauty that connects all things. Learning that from pain gives me more happiness than just being happy as a person towards the outside world with an innocent and more easily fulfilled heart. I'm better for it.

A little. It depends if she tried either. But ignoring someone just makes it more tense when you see them each time after because you'll feel obligated to keep up that "too proud" sign. If you show her youre happy, she'll think you are happy and you'll prove it to yourself that you can be- even in that face of that hurt. If you take the extra step, you actually prove to yourself that you are able to. How we act is an expression of how we feel. If we make a choice to act differently, we can transform that. You'll start to see that you are happy. And acting angry only shows to the world that you're not. ANd it's a sign of immaturity.

You can't be friendly towards them if you don't feel friendly towards them. What bitterness left are you harboring? What small thing? Don't try to keep punishing them until you feel better. If he asks how work is, tell him. Tell him how it really is. It doesn't mean you have to be friendly.

From my experience, time does take it away. You learn to adapt. The process isn't easy. You want to think about it to deal with it yet that's keeping you there. That's why new relationships help us deal with the old, compare them, analyze them and feel better in the end for the end of it. There are things I do to cheer myself up. It takes time to work. I read spiritual books. I work out. I sit outside and look at nature. I walk. If I personally had people to talk to about deeper feelings, i would but I don't... not really. So grab ahold for those you already have. I find it's my relationships I look forward to each day. Nothing else has ever mattered to me more. When there's no where to go, I always start strangely thinking about God...

YES! No matter what "happens to you", it is ultimately a choice. No matter what.

That's me. Seriously, like, all guys are attractive to me- mainly older ones who I'd love to do in random places (Like the church bathroom!) I love it when they look at me but it would be too slutty to persue. I need a boyfriend, i guess. But I just have such a wild side in me. It's hard to contain and so secret from most people. I have a kinky dominating attack you random-guy sexually side of me. And I don't what to do with it. Well, i do. It's just- that I can't. I don't masturbate or watch porn (not into that) but I lust after guys, especially the ones I can't have who are older than me with muscles and STYLE... and well, any advice?

Our mind is the most of control we have over our brain and what chemicals are released. We know that the releases of these are due to a reaction to a thought or an idea or of the outside world. When we are unconscious, we feel no pain so our mind HAS the control- depressive or not. Yet, many people actually take pleasure in being the victim. We are as happy as we choose to be and some people consider happiness only comfort for their problems. If you really believe you are a victim, you will keep arguing so. That's your defense. And such becomes your pattern. Such becomes your lifestyle.

Over view of points: Depression is said to be treated I have witnessed and experienced it by committed love to our EMOTIONAL wellbeing This ties in with how we handle physical stress When our minds are clear, we can heal ourselves no matter what. This I have truly seen- from minor to major cases. It happens all the time. It happened to me. Euthanasia is not necessary then when these steps have been taken- when full emotional wellbeing is put in the process of being cared for with those around them BY those around them offering to lift the outside world burdens and for us all to be there for each other. Too often the justification of euthanasia has been measured by physical condition leaving the other part the same. This is a reflection on society and how we think in situations in many areas of life. This is what must change. Selfishness causes blindness to the things that could be done to lift a soul- by the fact that we are not seeing them through the bigger picture- just what to do in terms of now and treatments and exercises and pointless things. It is the surrounding of love which brings us back. Yet, we don't have this really while living life much less while on the brink of death. That is what we must change- about ourselves for ourselvs and especially for others. Some are actually already dead but still walking routinely. We've just stopped seeing each other- family members, friends and strangers alike. For more specific example, ask and I'll give them. For now I'd like to see waht you have to say.

Here are my arguments, for and against. It ties in with suicide and the right to live or die we each have as humans. Tell me what you think. For those who don't know what Euthanasia is, it is the decision made to assist in suicide within hospital/physician limits for a peaceful/quicker death for those in an unbearable state of life. Some are terminal. Some are in physical pain for varius reasons. Yet, reasearching it, I've found that many places do not view depression enough of a justifiable reason to consider euthanasia for that patient. Here is the arguments: do we have a right to die? a duty? a doorway of convienence rather than the path of morality if we are the ones who decide our rights- ones who don't know our origins, we who don't really know much about life and death at all to determine its worth. Life and death gives each other its worth. They define the other. No much more can be said but that. It all depends on your perspective towards the sanctity of life- if you believe in such a thing. I personally don't think we know enough about life and death to even attempt acting upon it as if we do. We have to be careful as to how far we go with such matters. Looking at the logic some use when they say, "well, we have a right" is a dangerous way to continue in our actions in any area of life. True, though, what works for one thing does not exactly another- depending on your goal. Since professionals claim depression can be treated (as do I), then when one is undergoing a difficult journey through PHYSICAL pain, can we really say that our physical reality and awareness is all that life is- if we can't solve that then we should die? Along with physical pain comes depression and sometimes depression can lead to physical pain. What is the purpose of life? Is it worth living? Can we be happy in considerably "unhappy" or "unhealthy" conditions? From my experiences, I've actually come to believe in miracles. I believe that if there wasn't suffering, there'd be no need for compassion. Yet are pity and compassion the same? Pity to me is defined by the task of relieving some burden of another. This can be argumented, through death. But compassion consists in the task of healing. It takes the sharing of ourselves with another and what we love. That should be anyway, what life is about. To smile to sing to laugh in the presense of pain until the pain is forgotten... for temporary times until this adjustment is permanent. And it is possible. Our human connection is what heals the most- what makes the physical amount of pain more bearable. When babies are born, it is through their interaction with their main caregiver that their brain grows and is affected by the MOST. That connection and it's been heavily proven. We have the ability to block out pain and to some who don't figure out how to take themselves away from it physchologically, have a greater shock value created for themselves causing some from this horrible afteraffects such as turning mute. We can go one way or the other but I have learned that it is all DELT with if not created- in the mind. With our minds, we can push ourselves past unbelievable extends- even our bodies. So physchological (I know I'm misspelling that) and physical pain go hand in hand. If physicians say depression can be treated that can lead to a greater motivation to recover ourselves from our condition- to the relieving of physical conditions as well. People who are in comas hold on longer the more interaction they have with love ones like a new process of awakening just as we experience when we are babies. That need for love will never change. We suffer without it. When physical pain can't be altered through outside means, our practices must go inward. And to do that, we must acknowledge what's inside. The cheapening of life is at hand in our culture and society. It is shown through all the issues out there such as euthanasia, abortion and whatever else there is. It takes loved ones commited to reach a human heart and give their mind strength to return themselves for the power of love intertwines with the power of the mind. This takes time and unfortunately, we have set up boundaries between one another in society. Not like it used to be. Though we excel in technological achievements, we stray from the simple things that make us human: the paying attention of one another, the importance of investing in each other's wellbeing... if we were taught and made aware to do this through education of such "spiritual" basis, we could conquer physical pain through love. For it does not matter how much you know, you've been through or achieved. We know ourselves the most through human interaction and expression. It takes commitment and love to bring someone out of hopeless thoughts. From experience, I've learned that if I compare my situation to another, the pain lessons. When I have been through a blizzard and return to a fairly cold house, I soak in the warmth that is there, acknowledging it because of the difference felt between the blizzard and my home. What we acknowledge, we make real. When we give selflessly, we give life to life. yet, we live life selfishly sayiing, "if I am in this pain, I shouldn't have to be here. It's my right." We believe there's no way to bring others back so we mourn their pain with them, taking on pity rather than with genuine acts of love with time, give them hope again- even a brain and body not reacting, there is a mind and soul still there, still everywhere waiting. That is what we fail to acknowledge. I will close this referring to the times I've been on the edge of driving myself insane- my choice let in voices and imagination or push negativity away- and when I almost made myself mute and unable to move being through so much... not pain... but aloneness. I rememeber when my body was shutting down into itself, there was a choice in my head. "can i bring myself out now? do i have the strength? i dont even want to." The longer I waited, the more difficulty I had in controlling my movements and actually getting words out. My brain was silencing. I let it happen. It was only because I loved and lived by my mom so much that after a time, I could not ignore her calling and crying any longer so I brought myself back. I went through hell and back and as long as we choose to keep trying, we choose to keep hope... and I've learned that sometimes it isn't until later that we discover why hope was worth it. I went through phases of suicidal thoughts. But I chose to live and see what happened, to make something of my life. Because my mom needed me and she was all I needed, even if she couldn't love or understand me the right way, to make myself try, try again. And then once more. Euthanasia is a permanent choice. The time we are given still ahead of us we cannot foresee. Some do not know or haven't learned what is worthwhile about life. Some have but have too many burdens to bring themselves there. This choice though, no one understands enough about life or death to make it. We can never know what will happen. Hopefully, all I have said despite any wordiness, has come full circle and you take all of it into accounts when you determine what you choose... to believe.

Yeah. hehehehe. Sun lights. That will be fun to stare at... brightness is hypnotizing!

I found out I have seasonal depression. (cha?) Because the sun affects the chemicals in your brain... lala? I have a webjournal. Here. It's updated every Friday (or sooner if I can) link removed

SO better. Making goals for myself- been reaching out and talking to people. Now, I'm making a plan to slowly pull us deep people together as a group over time by starting out creating sleepovers for all of us during the summer- start them small to big to get them used to each other- and then by next school year, i'll have a tight group of friends. I've even written a list of people that befriending them would be stepping out the comfort zone to more popular people, social silly ones like me. Then, I'm volunteering a lot. also Taking an interest in literature. Writing- I update a new webjournal every Friday, or will try to. And I'm thinking about the future- what else can I do to be prepared? To be organized and prioritized. Got to get my school grades up to A's before the 19 days left of it are over! I'm also seeing a therapist soon and I'm trying out for the play of Hercules at the Comtra Theatre in my town and I'm staying involved in Barnes in Nobles events (book readings, discussions, themes, contests...). With my faith in God, I'm putting myself out there- especially with this friend thing. Maybe I'll touch some lives. I make little care packages for my younger neices and cousins and then as well as my former step brother by giving them movies and books that have shaped and influenced my heart. As well as my own stories and advice... even poems I write for them, cards I make about them and how great they are...include quotes that are beautiful to me... let them know i'm here and I care enough to take an interest... I'll let you know how it goes and might someday soon post a topic about how to turn around your life like i am, in simple yet specific steps. ok- enough rambling. How's YOUR life, slightlybent? That's what I want to know now.

I don't think it's pathetic at all. For someone who feels so messed up in the brain, you reason pretty level headed through these ideas- even adding a twist of sarcasm and humor. You are extremely articulate too. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you. Somehow I am simply sensing that there is a lot you need to get out. You're an intense character. Don't punish him. Express him. THEN see what happens. The hardest thing to do is ask for help. I like your idea. I suggest you follow through with that also. Good luck. Explore it. Don't stay in your mind. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out. Even if it's just a description you start with of your day, of your life and of what you wish your life was like... it's a good start. A good reversal type theraputic thing is to write down who you want to be instead. Write your life down as it should be. What you wish would happen. All that stuff. Write it down. Read it. You'll feel peace. Trust me. I do it all the time. Go with your gut for taking the next step from there

you need to put all your poems together, organize a time line or something, like a story for the reader to be taken throughout and let ALL the world see how easy you make it look. It's really good.

End it. What did this tearful person realize? Why should there be still hope? Why? Memories haunted them... but they grew as a person and all things came full circle. There's a message there, only a tip left, the most important part to let sink in.

You are a doll, someone else's play thing. They don't care how you feel. So you don 't care anymore either. I like it. I just wanted more. It ended too quick. Like a mystery. I wanted to know more.

The last line should be "And that he was not complete." It seemed... it didn't flow. Like you were filtering your feelings too much so it just didn't flow right. It was too controlled. Just write what's true. It doesn't matter if it's like what it should be. What matters is it's YOU.

When I was 13, I was suicidal too and with a TON of regrets. It was like I wasn't a good enough friend, I was always doing something wrong. I never felt good enough. I always compared myself. I was always the "fool" who put herself out there, who did stupid things, who expected things from friends, who pushed away out of bitterness...who exploded on her family, was withdrawn for so long but no one helped, who could never make certain self absorbed people see that she was worth something... and give her another chance... Trust me- though these feelings will always surface back from time to time, you have to trust that it's temporary. Right now, I'm becoming more aware of who I want to be as you will. If you want to skip through this more quickly, maybe you should be thinking about that too. It's the only way I'm not hopeless anymore.

It's to the chase I understand what you're talking about right away At the end though, it means to me something a little deeper It flows so well And is so easy to read. I love your poetry

There's something going on inside my head By the time i'm feeling, I'm feeling dead A tension there that leaves me floating in the air As the world disappears Something with my brain- weakness is what I gain The days go by and so I try To accomplish all that I can But it's like a metal barrier is there I can't focus, I can't wake up I daydream, I dwell Don't know what to do with myself It's so strange, is it God? Should I reach for him In the stars? Do I have the strength to sacrifise such time So release the pain from within my mind? To give my soul, to commit to When I can barely Barely move All the things I know I can do It just waits I go slower And it fades I try to talk to you I try to reach for help I try to understand it But I'm silencing inside now What is happening To this mind of mine? It's like all that ever was Is no longer there inside The only way to move Is when I write it down From second to second Always trying to figure stuff out What to do next Should I build on this part of my life? Should I commit to them? But I'm being silenced in this fight No thoughts, just knowledge Seeping through my soul Forcing me to slow down To look around too Live in the now and love it here Serve my God It's all so clear More time I've been given like I asked No distractions, just unfinished tasks Yet, nothing happens It's all so slow Nothing to live for And it shows When I walk down the hall So empty are my eyes I bet you'd never guess What's going on in my mind Cant touch it, cant try God, I need your help Help me to move Move and live my life out Let me get this done Let me accomplish things here Let me live my life Even if it's in my mind Let me see it clear Let the rain fall Let me feel and dance Let me see it all Just stay by my side I don't want to tell them Anymore how I feel I just want someone beside me Standing there, my dear Just stay by me Stay for a little while maybe you'll be the one To bring my soul back out Just stay by me Lullabies this night Rock me in gown As I lie a frozen sight I'm not mute, I swear I'm just waiting here I've given up on you So all that I'm used to They just disappear So stand beside me Stand tall So when I look up Without a word- I know You understand it all Because it's all I've ever wanted All that would matter If for once someone would Take my heart so shattered And hold it... Here

I study the brain too, dude. And it is most affected by our perception of our world. Our perception affects the way we feel about things, about life- what is meaningless and what is not. So while changes are occurring in growth, sometimes it is simply what we are lacking in life that puts the most weight on our hearts. Fun, friendship and expression are key elements. Balance comes with how we are loved... the way the brain most turns around is in the midst of how we learn to love others. This starts out when we are babies through interation with our main caregivers (grows the most through that) and continues on throughout life.... throughout life... all of it. "Love was made by God. Ignore it and you will suffer as you cannot imagine."- from Tristion and Isolde movie. So true despite what the reasons are behind these feelings. That's the truth.

I ended up saying the things I thought I wouldn't- as nicely as I could in a note, ending in me calling her " * * * * *." I feel much better now.