tabytha

*Wraps you in a big cuddle* Wow. First, you an move out. It's not impossible, you may not be rich, but you'll be safe. Look into hostels, look outside of your area. Seems like you need a change. I suggest you get out. Thats just not healthy. You need to get away from her. My mother also tried to kill, on three occasions, when she was drunk. I owe my brother my life. But we never called welfare, we just waited for her to sober up. When i was 16 i decided to move and organised a hostel. My mother died that day of an overdose so i'll never know what it was like as instead of moving to a hostel my family came up and organised me to board somewhere. My point is get out. there are places you can go and people you can turn to. It's not impossible if you need to talk i'm here

yeah i know the dangers. But i've always been an honest person in relationships (Liars always get caught anyway and i don't see the point). Thats why i told my ex i have a boyfriend, and told my boyfriend i had heard from my ex and that I'd told my ex about my boyfriend (that seemed to ease his mind a little). My boyfriend hasn't told me not to contact my boyfriend again, and I'll do everything in my power to make him know he's number one in my life. His insecurities go way back to before we meet so he's told me his slight jealousy is just another excuse. But if he gets more uncomfortable, i'll sever contact. Or if my ex and I get too close i'll sever contact. Honestly though i do see us as just two friends catching up. I know i've grown up and changed since then, so i don't see why he shouldn't have. but if there's any danger signs i'll sever contact immeditely. I know my ex would understand and dear as he is to me my boyfriend comes first. Thanks DN for your advice and support. it's so much easier to stay grounded with a little understanding.

i agree. it's only been two emails in just over two weeks. It doesn't seem alot to me. but i do need to be careful. he goes to uni in the same city i work, and I'd LOVE to catch up with him for coffee (No alcohol, lol just in case hehehe) and a real catch up. Just one of those conversations like we used to. Something simple But thats going too far. In my book anyway. And i don't want to be stupid. Cause i love my current boyfriend, and want to make things work between us, but one of the whinges i had about him here was lack over communications/conversation. So smart as i can be i'm still capable of being a stupid little girl at times and I'd be worried that, i'd have a good time talking to my ex, come home with no conversation from my current and then start talking myself into all kinds of crazy thinking. We all get a little stupid when something good comes along when something bads happened, our rationality goes out the window. Nothings bad at the moment with my current. at all This is just a what if conversation. Basically i don't want my ex to screw up my relationship like i may have done with his (i may not have, for all i know he and this girl are together) My current BF and i are sorting out some issues, and glad as i am that my ex is back his timing couldn't have been worse. So I'll just stick to safe occasional emails for now. nothing more. LOL and if i do feel weak (which i feel is unlikely 8) ) i'll come here for a good lecture.

*Hugs* I'd wait a little time until you settle and you'll see things more clearly. But don't try to focus on 'getting him back", he's not cattle to lasso. Like i said, wait a little bit before even trying to think.

LOL DN thats plain vicious!! And for some reason it's exactly what I'd do. Stopal, it's take his advice.

I was engaged for just over two years, about two years ago. I ended up calling the wedding off. There was alot going on, but basically i was suffering CFS and Depression and i couldn't see our relationship surviving the strain. I think looking back, i wanted to stop feeling guilty, like i was ruining his life. Also his parents offered to pay forhim to go to Uni, something he'd always wanted and I couldn't face moving to another country. Neither of us really wanted to break up but we did, even when just before he left, i discovered i was pregnent, it broke my heart, but i terminated the pregnancy and sent him away, telling him to find a better woman then I. Anyway we still remained in contact. We had always been close and were eachothers secret keepers. After a few months I visited a mutual friend in his country and caught up with him. He wanted to get back together and i refused again. Then about a year after our original break up I decided i did love him and wanted to try again. But by now he had found someone. I respected that, but true to our old ways i had to be honest with him, so i still told him how i felt. You can imagine the turmoil I put the poor boy in. I'd broken his heart, then when he found someone i wanted him back. He ummed and ahh'd and they actually broke up over me (which was not my intent but i was happy for a time). But then, bless him, he did the right thing and severed contact. He wanted to try and get her back and asked me to stay out of his life. There was no crualty there, and tho i was heartbroken i understood the reason. We didn't sever contact due to hate, but because we still cared for eachother a great deal and that could sabotage any future relationship for both of us. The timing was almost laughable tho as I'd already organised to move to his country... yes i moved countries for him (and other reasons). But i honoured his request. Even when i bumped into his sister months later and she wanted to catch up, i left it all alone. I accepted he was gone from my life and moved on. i still though of him from time to time, but only to wish him well. And i moved on. I have a new boyfriends and tho we have issuses and I've whinged about him here on bad days, we're mostly happy and content. I wouldn't trade him in for another. Now here's the issue. A few weeks ago i accidently forwarded a request email to everyone in my email box. i didn't think much of it until i suddenly got an email from my Ex fiance. It was a simple email saying he was surprised to hear from me, hoped i was well etc. Well... i emailed him back in shock, saying he was the last person i expected to hear from, but glad all the same and i hope his well etc. he's emailed me again and I emailed him again. And i don't feel weird. i told my exfiance i have a boyfriend, and I'm glad he did the NC thing, i also told him the truth ( as i i've always done) that I'm glad he contacted me because i miss his friendship. to make sure i wasn't doing anything sly, i told my current boyfriend i'd recently been in contact with my ex fiance, and tho he admits feeling a little jealous he acknowledged it's his own insecurities rather then any fear of me leaving him. And you know i don't think i would. I'm so glad to be in contact with my ex again, but only as friends, as were were after we broke up initially. I want to remain in contact now it's been re-established. I don't feel like it would threaten my currently relationship at all ( and that comes as a surprise) I always thought I'd LOVE my ex and would fall for him, but... well it's been a year of NC and tho yes i still care for him, it seems totally platonic. I can't erase our history, we shared so much, but it seems more like his a long lost family member now then a possible flame. I suppose i just need to make sure his intentions are merely platonic too. And if thats all there is i don't see the harm in being friends, I miss that bond we shared once. But if his intentions are otherwise (He's convieniently NOT mentioned a g'f in the last two emails) , i guess i'll have to do the NC this time, in respect for my current boyfriend. But i'll find it a shame to lose someone so dear to me for a third time.

True Metallicaguy, but only of they're too nice. Too shy to make the move but you're forever hanging out chances are you'll become friends and miss that crucial moment. They don't want a jerk either. A happy medium. a nice guy who's prepared to take a few risks and have some fun, rather then always playing it safe.

Don't see him. You'll miss his company for a while, but that will pass. He used three ppl, inc yourself. Would you sacrifice a friend thats true (Sarah) for someone thats hurt you? He may be entertaining and stimulating, but there are more important things.

Hot/Sexy: physically attractive. someone you may fantasise about hooking up with/ sleeping with. Pin up poster boy. card board cutout. Oh yeah he's good looking but haven't really put more thought in then that. Cute: Attractive. probably spoken to him, or over heard him. Personality by appearances seems freiendly and fun. Not overly intimidating. Would like to get to know him. He usually has a 'boyish charm' about him. Warning, if 'too nice' may be alloted to 'like a brother status'.

I just have one thing to add. You say "fi he truly loves me he'd move to be with me." I say by that standard if you truly love him you'd move to be with him. Neither of you are budging, maybe there's a reason. My ex best friend and my brother went through the same thing (I'm grateful they were stubborn because i love them both but they were shocking as a couple, co-dependent and hurtful to one another, made me wanna slap them both). She was in university studying 'forensic science" in the same state we'd gone to highschool, and he and my family relocated to another state, where my brother begain studying music production and development (our little idiot savant =o) ) They did the LDR 'I Love you, I hate you, lets work it out, you live with me, no your live with me" and on and on. Both claiming if the other loved them enough they'd move. In this case, they're a bad match, (great people, BAD combination) so I'm glad they eventually called it quits, (I have doubts, their little messed up cycles been repeating for going on 7 years now!) But you gotta ask yourself, why should he sacrifice if you won't. And if you won't sacrifice, then there's a reason.

Are there always people around? You say she was over for 9 hours but there were others there too. Maybe she's not as excited about PDA (Public displays of Affection) as other people. Can you take her out on a nice date alone? Away from school and friends and family. I'm not talking about lovers lane. Somewhere public but private (Hows that for an oxymoron?) Like the quiet corner of a small restraunt, or a shaded area of a public park. Set up a nice, safe romantic situation and see what happens. You sound like a adorably sweet open and honest guy and I couldn't imagine anyone feeling threatened by you, but we women can be drama queens in our own heads at times, even if we seem normal to the outside world.

You say you've had to be strong for 15 years and can't imagine continuing, welll of course it's daunting looking at the big picture.... so you just take it one day at a time. Just one day. Live one day at a time You've put it off so far. put it off till tomorrow, then put it off again. Live, work and breath one day at a time. Find joy one day at a time. Be strong for one day. Then the next it's jus one more day.

Suicide is a permenent solution to a Temporary Problem. And the problem you feel surrounding you will only persist if you refuse to seek help and support. and no... no one will 'get over it' eventually. Take it from someone who's lost someone. There's a whole in their hearts that will never be filled. Just because people won't solve their emptiness by following you into voluntary death doesn't mean they've 'gotten over it'. You sound like you have a very full and busy life. Maybe you need to take some time out. and time off. Cut back on your social and extra curricular activities, invest in a cousellor, find the root of your sadness and work on healing yourself. You can come through this and you'll be stronger for it. And those who love you will be happier for having you in their life.

eeep. to be honest I avoided kissing my 1st boyfriend for months. I Hated saying goodbye to him everyday because i had to kiss him. I felt really guilty because he was a nice guy but.... he was a really BAD kisser! I wasn't overly confident in my own ability, him being my first boyfriend, but i was pretty sure his lips should be on mine, not all over and around, like he was trying to suck them in. And thought lips needed to be moist but not leaving my lips and the whole area around feeling like i've been licked by a dog. I guess he was trying to be passionate, but an open mouth kiss over a shy semi open mouth doesn't seem to work. when you do kiss her, don't get self conscious, but be thoughful of your technique. if she's open mouth, match her. If she's closed mouth, match her. Don't try to swallow her in your enthusiasm. And ... don't be afraid to make the move as others have suggested. if she's not ready for whatever reason she should/would let you know.

OMG I agree. my boyfriend won't make any decisions! Nothing. Just sits around and does the same old thing everyday. if we want a change I have to initiate it. Want to be intimate, i have to initiate it.... it's frustrating.

They wait for the men so it's not their fault if something goes wrong. Most of them will deny that tho. But either they're soppy romantics or they don't want the responsibility. I asked 3 out of 6 of my relationships, and I really wish i hadn't. Because when things start to go south i can't help but think "you started it hun, you gotta see it through" Kinda like finishing your piano lessons, because you begged your parents to learn but know you know it's would never work (a loose analogy) If a girl makes the effort on a guy it's not a fling (in most, not ALL cases), she means business, but then the risk of the gamble is she's made the wrong choice.... so much easier to let the guy ask you out, and blame him when everything goes wrong. Sad messed up mentality huh? The reason I asked the guys out was they were shy nervous cute little dorks that would never have the confidence to get a girlfriend on their own. And for some reason I'm attracted to that kinda guy. maybe i'm a control freak. But inevitably they can't keep up with my extroverted nature and i regret putting them through that. Hopefully the guy i asked out who I'm seeing now can help me through my control freak issues.

Hope, sweety, You're as tactless as me and overly self confident that your veiws are correct. let me clarify. I spoke to my boyfriend about my bisexualness when we first got together, as i already mentioned. I'm an honest person and never lie about who I am. Geez sometimes I feel like getting business cards saying "yes I'm bi-sexual but get to know me before you judge me'. I laid it out from the start that I might kiss the occasional girl. and I have kissed girls since dating him, he's always been there in the past. It doesn't get him off or excite him in anyway, but he was there and knows I would never do anything other then the occasional kiss with a good friend.The only reason I didn't tell him this time was because my drink was spiked shortly after i kissed her, which was a very scary thing for both of us as I don't drink much (having dealt with a violent alcoholic parent) and he doesn't drink at all, and he took it pretty hard. For the record i was sober when I kissed her. I'm one of the few people who actually holds themselves accountable for their actions and having been raise by a drunk i find the whole "it wasn't me, i was drunk' a distastful shirking of personal responsibilty. In regards to that earlier opinion about being bi, all people male and female are potential partners, well to be honest i found that offensive, and a comment like that could only have been made in ignorence. When your straight do you really think that all women/men are potential partners? I mean look at all the people here who ask for help because "i like him/her but not that way", just because someones dna is opposite to yours doesn't make them compatible. I was surprised at that comment. When I say I'm bi it's not a sexual thing. I'm attracted to peoples minds not their bodies. Just as you shouldn't discriminate whether someones black/white/fat/thin/old/young (within reason) neither does someones gender bother me if I'm attracted to them. But that does NOT mean I'm a nymph that would happily F**K the world if "damned social ethics didn't get in the way". It would be imppossible anyway since despite the fact I'm bi I have very little libido after having had a bad attack of glandular fever (mono for you americans) which makes my actual sex life kinda dull (minds willing but the flesh isn't) Now as for it bothering my boyfriend.... knows I'm bi. I told him from the start, yes i kiss girls but thats it. He knows I have had long term relationsship with other woman etc. If he enters a relationship knowing that and i have kept my end of the bargin in going no further then a kiss where does his responibility lie if he suddenly gets bothered. And I don't know that he would be bothered because it didn't in the past it's just the fact that this time he wasn't there, where as he was last time. if you enter a relationship with someone who has been honest with you about differences, if you claim to accept them, do you really have a right to change your mind later. can a guy date a larger woman, say 'i prefer you cuddly" then a few months later say 'hun put down that candybar, i want you to loose weight" And before you say it's different, it all comes down to self control and personal indulgence. Can someone make a promise to love you as you are and later put conditions on it? I don't know that he would be upset, because he knows me and I've always been honest. but i suspect he would be because he twists everything in his head. EG: I asked him to see a scary movie with me, then, because I know he's really not interested in that kind of film and it was selfish of me to ask him to go i told him "it's alright if you don't want to come, we'll see something different and I'm see that movie with my friend". Dispite me doing something considerate for him, he turned it around that I didn't want to go with him and i would have a better time with my friends. Which he does all the time. I ask him to go to parties with me because I want his company and my friends all like him, but he won't go, or goes and has a miserable time because it's not his thing. So no i tell him he's not obligated to go and he thinks i mean i don't want to be seen with him. So i try to stay home and spend time with him, but he just mops watching tv, or playing a one player video game. God we don't even have a couch! two separate lazy boys, he's rather watch tv on those so he can watch the 'widescreen' then settle for the smaller tv and curl up with me in bed. we look like to old ppl in rocking chairs. I started never going out and became more unhappy. So i decided to go out with out him, it was his choice if he wanted to come. if my friends come round to visit he walks out of the room and i have to make excuses for him "no, it's not that he doesn't like you, he's looking up something on the internet for me". He gets angry at my friends and tells me he doesn't understand why i hang out with them, but well the flip side is to be like him and not have anyfriends (me and his family are his only social network and randoms on the net). I work all day and he sits home playing games, and feel put out when I ask him to do some housework. I work a 40 hr week and commute 10 hours a week, come home and cook dinner. He'll wash the dishes if i ask, but it won't occur to him to cook me dinner, wash the floor, scrub the bathroom etc. His way of showing affection is to buy presents, which seems nice but I'd rather have a conversation with him like we used to when we first met. he says he's bored all day and misses me but doesn't understand that i work all day and need down time to wind down. My alone time seems to be if I cook him dinner. I mean why doesn't he get a job? he's living off the dole and using the rent my flatmate pays to pay off his morgage. he can survive on that but it's not much of a life now is it? Nothing I do EVER makes him happy. He says I make him happy but the only time i see him smile or hear him laugh is when he's watching re runs of the simpsons. When i try to have a conversation with him, he criticises what I have to say and makes me feel like an idiot. If I talk about things that interest me like books, politics, science, religion or current affairs he claims he's too dumb, so I change tactics and try to talk about movies but he'd rather watch them then talk about them. I try to learn about sports and games so we can talk but I'm just made to feel ignorent. I try to tell him about my friends and I get told i sound like a 15 year old school girl. I have an iq of 138 and work fulltime and he's telling me i sound like a school girl? When I tell him to treat me with more respect he says "I'm an arsehole to everyone why should you be different?" Okay it's apparent I'm very frustrated in my relationship. But I'm making an effort here. I believe in commitment and do you think if i was some cheap easy player I'd put up with that. I'm a commitment phobe but I'm trying real hard to make it work. Maybe if he spent some quality time with me like coming to the party, instead of trying to buy my love with presents .... well that just sounds bad. Back to the point if he knows I kiss girls (JUST kiss) and he knew that from the start is it cheating, even if he's not there (Which he never is these days)

WOw good spotting, I was about to say that I'm shamefully a hot/cold chick too, then Jenifer Hermesmention the victims of abuse connection and again thats me. Someone needs to look into that. slw1, you sound like a great guy, a wonderful guy who many woman would be lucky to be with. But don't think that just by being wonderful you can change other people. I doubt this lady is intentionally trying to hurt you, she probably hounds herself in private for doing so. She flirts with you and draws you to her because by the sounds of it she is attracted to you, and wants to feel safe and happy in your presense. And you probably make her feel wonderful. But if, like me, she has been the victem of a bad past, sometimes the nicer the guy/situation the more we freak out and run. And we hot/cold people are very talented at making up every excuse in the book. 'i want to be friends', 'you're cold', 'you don't understand'. people like us long for that warm and joy that the rest of the world has, and sometimes we become terrible flirts because of it, but when things get too serious we shut down. Not meaning to hurt anyone, in fact often racked by guilt that we've caused someone else the pain we were trying to protect ourselves from. We don't mean to hurt people, we're really cowards at heart who have to act tough to protect everyone. She may have been hurt by the very person she was supposed to trust, someone else who was supposed to make her feel safe but didn't. You learn to be on edge and aware. if a 'good person' (ex/parent/relative/friend) has betrayed that trust in the past it makes it very hard for us to get close to people in the future. Just when you start to feel close and safe to someone the little warning bells go off inside "beware, you've felt like this before and you know where that went". Oh you can sit down a logically sort through things "I'm not like the person that hurt you", "I would never hurt you" and they would 'know' that you're telling the truth. But just as you learn at a young age to pull your hand away from flames so you don't get hurt, it's an automatic reflex to pull away from situations that have led you to pain in the past. It messes up your head and heart. I often call us the "pushmepullyou's" We flirt, seduce fall in love and burn out very rapidly. chances are this young lady will continue to push and pull you until she reaches a decision deep inside herself. Somewhere that only she can reach. The best you can do is wait and support her and let her know she really can trust you. Or if thats too hard, be the strong one and walk away and look for someone less complicated. Of course Jenifer and I could be way off and she could simply be a tease.... but things usually aren't that simple.

It's funny how you can be perfect for one another but the timings not right. I called off my engagement because of that. The whole "in another world and another time..." scenario. You might be perfect for him, but not right now. if he says he needs to be independent he needs to be independent, thats no reflection on you. We have dreams for ourselves as individuals and as partners. Some people might tell you that if you're compatible you can accomplish those together, but that rings of co-dependence to me. Somethings you really do need to do and be on your own for, its a personal thing. The thing is when he's done being 'independent' you two may have both changed and grown. You may never again find this perfect contentment you once shared. You may find that it's bought you closer.... But you need to let that happen. Sometimes you need to let things go, no matter how ideal you thought the existing situation was. Because one part will forever wonder about 'what could have been' Don't think of it as leaving you, think of it as him finding himself and wish him well. You can love someone all you want, but you still need to be complete in yourself before you can give yourself entirely. maybe he's reaslised that. Don't get bitter or paranoid. if you really shared so much, have faith that he's being honest with you. It's a very scary thing to break the comfort zone and strike out alone, but some people need to do it.

but i don't kiss potential partners. Trust me the girl i kissed tho a good friend is nothing but. For example. i have a male friend who i had feelings for, ver a very long time. I'm not too sure when or if they went away but either way i make sure we're just friends. He gets the same hugs as other friends, but usually only farewell hugs. I distance the affection in this case because he did once pose a threat.

Hey Qtpie, It seems to me like your grandmother and your mother have some problems they need to sort out. By the sounds of it you're a great person. Sometimes other people are incomplete and they lash out at those around them. They look for and create flaws in others so that they don't need to look at themselves. Sounds liek you're going through a really rough time and i hope your family can sort themselves out. In the meantime i suggest continuing to come here and find support.

I think most would like to know. Thats not to say that you'd be forgiven, that all depends on the individual people involved. But she has a right to know even though it will hurt her. How foolish would she feel if she found out through other means?

Hi. I'm Bi sexual but have never 'cheated' on anyone in my life. My boyfriend knows I've had a gf in the past and though he doesn't want to know the details, accepts that about me. I've always been close to my friends and affectionate. We hug each other and remined each other how loved we are when we're down and I've always believed in open affection between friends and loved ones (provided it's not of a SEXUAL nature). When a few of my friends started to acknowledge their own bi-curious tendencies I supported them. Over the years I've become very comfortable with my own sexuality and know my limits, where my comfort levels lie and so on. A few of my female friends and I have kissed at parties several times, but I've never considered it a 'sexual' thing. To me it's an extension of the affection. I've never kissed them and thought i want to take them to bed' I'm merely being affectionate. I enjoy kissing women, it's totaly different to kissing men, but I'm totally devoted to my partner, who happens to be male and I would never do more then the occasional kiss. the reason it's at parties is simply because it's that sort of environment. However I make a point of not kissing my male friends, (though we hug etc) because I'm aware that that could be misinterrupted. Seems two girls locking lips is acceptable but male and femaled friends can't and I'm okay with that. i get all the masculine affection i want from my boyfriend. I haven't kissed any of my friends since shortly after my boyfriend and I got together, out of respect for him, not out of fear of getting caught as he never attends parties and wouldn't know. However this weekend I did kiss one of my female friends. And it was simple innocent affection again. Until one of my male friends said I was cheating. We got into a discussion and I explained why i don't consider it cheating, and I think I converted him to my way of thinking. I'm comfortable with who i am sexually, not all affection is sexual nor would I ever let it go there whilst in a commited relationship, I don't kiss girls for the pleasure of anyone who might see ( I don't understand that voyeristics tendencie in others) and none of the girls I've kissed pose any threat to my boyfriend. But for once i started to question. harmless and rare as my girl girl kisses are, if my boyfriend knew would he be hurt? I know the answer is yes. I don't think he should be hurt because I know how meaningless those kisses are. But he's an old fashioned boy and would refuse to see things my way. i don't see it as cheating, but would he? One last thing, i'm an honest person, and I would have told him about me kissing this friend this weekend, i don't believe in keeping secrets. But unfortunately my drink got spiked and he had to come rescue me. he's stressed out from worry for me and I didn't want to add more fuel to the fire. am i cheating? Do I tell him?

sadly i think it's up to your wife and daughter to be mature enough to come together to try and form a relationship. they need to understand the strain this must put on you. I was never fair to my step father, though to be honest he didn't open accept my brothers and myself either (he wanted mum to cut all ties to her previous life inc us children, and banned her frfom seeing my brother when he was dying in hospital. Thankfully she came anyway and he recovered also). I think both he and I were stubborn and felt threatened by the other. eventually my mother moved out for me even though they had a child together. Mum would take my sister and stay with him for the weekend and I would get the flat to myself. I know I'm not the only reason they lived separately, but i wish i had given him more of a shot. He worked hard and loved my mother dispite his and her flaws. He died 3 years later and my mother died a year after that. I wish for her sake he and I had tried to be more congenial to one another. make your daughter and Wife understand that you have a commitment to both of them. You love them both equelly and it's unfair of them to put this strain on you. If they can't form a bond they must atleast try to form an understanding, for you and your expected child. Your wife is a fully grown woman and your daughter will be too soon. They need to start sorting things out for them selves with out playing tug of war with you.

Texan hick =o) You've both mentioned that you don't want to ruin the friendship.... however after most confessions and rejections friendships become strained anyway. Yours seems to have survived it. I think you two could risk it. I mean what love without a little risk? you risk big to win big. But she doesn't seem to want to come to the table in this. She politely turned you away several times. Maybe she's just not ready and there's nothing you can do. I say mantain the friendship, for now, it could very well blossom into something more. But you're only 14 so give it time. by the soundsof it you've got the mostprecious part in a relatioship already, friendship and understanding. everything else is 2ndry and comes in time. Good luck and be a good friend to her.