xmrth

It's not so much that I'm used to him always being there and being around and whatnot... because he's been like this for 2 years now-- since we've graduated and he's gotten into working and school and being busy. It's something I do like about him that work and school is important and that he wouldn't drop it, but at the same time it bothers me because I wish he was around more or lived closer or something that I could see him more. He definitely is a bit standoffish and his parents seem to be to an extent. I have thought about what I could possibly want from him or anyone in a relationship, and he gives that to me. Except for the fact that he hates the phone and getting in contact with him can be hard because of it. It's more like he knows where I am and that I'm here for him so he can relax, and maybe I don't know that for myself of what he's doing-- even though he's always there. I just don't see alot of things I suppose. I really don't know

Me and my boyfriend only have friends of the same gender, and we are the same way a little bit. If I were talking to a guy he'd brush it off I'm sure because it would be a legitimate reason on my part. But hanging out with another guy for me is a definate no, and him hanging out with a girl is a definate no as well. I don't mind not having guy friends at all. Any guy friend I've ever had turns into liking me or I just can't entirely relate to them because I'd rather have a female friend and my boyfriend is the same way, so it does work out for us. I think as long as YOU'RE okay with not having guy friends as long as he does the same with females then it's okay. But him blowing up over just talking (not over the phone, but in person because the phone is a bit personal) then that's really crazy and he sounds so possessive. Maybe you should tell him that there will be times that you will HAVE to associate with males, and that there's no escaping it no matter who he goes out with. But as long as you're okay with it, then just let him know that you're okay with not having guy friends and to not get personal with any as long as he's going to do the same.

I don't really know what to say except just blurt it all out. My boyfriend is sick with a bad cold... but even so, why doesn't he want to see me? Any time I'm sick I always want to see him... he has classes today, so I know he was up early and will probably want to sleep... but I just wish I could at least stop by for 5 minutes. Supposedly his family got sick too, but I think they're at least better by now as they gave it to him. I haven't seen him since last Thursday.. (I went away with family for 4 nights) I guess I just feel like he should miss me and want to see me no matter what now. Things are just so perfect when we're together... but when we're apart everything is hard for me. I know he absolutely hates the phone, but he just seems so cold over it usually, and sometimes doesn't say bye. But when we're together everything is perfect. The other day I didn't call him and he actually said the next day "my girlfriend doesn't call me!" like it actually bothered him. Sometimes I wont call him because I know he's busy with work and school... and I always have to pull through until Friday and Saturday until I get to see him, and everything is great. He's not doing anything other than going home and sleeping because he's so busy, so it's not like he's out with friends instead of me or anything. But this bothers me. It always seems like he's so "okay" to not see me and sleep and do his own thing, but why can't I be like that, too? He knows I'm here, I call him and all of that, so maybe he's taking me for granted... I think maybe I shouldn't call him so much and do other things over seeing him? But Friday and Saturday are our days we see eachother and I'd much rather be with him than to do anythigng else. But like I said... when we're together things are so perfect. I just don't get it. I'm also upset because it seems like everyone else is so welcome to go to their boyfriend's house. I don't really know his family after I've been with him for almost 6 years. His house is small so when I'm there and his family is, it's like we're in the same room, so if I ever go over there, which is rare, I have to sit outside with him. I have a sibling who's boyfriend's (of 2 or 3 months) family and relatives buy her all kinds of things and invite her to all kinds of places... but why doesn't my boyfriend and his family do that for me? They seem to like me and my boyfriend says they "obviousely do"... I try to blame this on circumstances, such as the fact that we live 25 minutes away, such as maybe I can't see him so much because I can't just walk down the street, and that's how I didn't get close to them as my sibling has with her boyfriend's family. I really don't know, but those two things are bothering me so much. I want him to want me to come over to see him just for a bit and he'd rather sleep as he's sick... but I just still don't get it. I wouldn't rather do that at all if I could at least see him for a little bit. And I wish his family liked me alot because I just don't see that they can... they don't really even know me enough I suppose. I just don't know what to do. Should I just call him up and tell him I'm coming over? What can I do to get his family to know me better and really like me if they don't already?

This thread really scares me; I certainly hope my own boyfriend would never drink so much. Did you really have no control when you were drunk? I think you should tell her... I would definitely want to know. But it's already been so long that it might seem fishy, like there's more to it. I think that at this point you should just let it go and leave it for a time where it's appropriate to tell her. I don't know what that time could be, or how you'll figure out when, but you'll know.

I was just curious-- is this something that is definitely going to happen? In your post it sounds like you only think it might... I can understand that you think this guy is really sweet or nice and all of that, and maybe you think you have evidence that nothing bad will happen... but all these people here are advising you to NOT have any sexual contact with this person, and along with that: their reasoning from either what they know from (most importantly) what should be considered common sense to you, from their own personal experiences, and from experiencing how this negatively affects a person's life that they once knew. Why don't you at least read over what everyone has said... and at least, for yourself, if anything even almost happens, at least stop it and see where it takes you (because I can guarantee, it will only be positive for yourself if you don't let anything happen). I can tell you right now that you will probably be in the situation again where a guy will want to take advantage of you like this-- don't think that this is only going to happen once and you have to "experience" it and that is why you have to do it. And the next time hopefully you'll understand a bit more why it is so wrong. You're just so young, and the guy is involved in things that just isn't good at all... Do you know what the other word is for "friends with benefits"? Would you like it if people started trying to hurt you for this, and being known for it? RUINING your NAME. This is very important... if he's flaunting condom wrappers on his wall (what do his parents think of that, anyway?) he is definitely going to talk about it. And I think you said he's going to be going to your school in a few years? Well, what if he goes around telling people how he had his way with you, and insulting you, as so many other people WILL join in because that's what kids do to others in school.

I had a boyfriend at 13 and I didn't even know what to do! Kissing and holding hands was fine by me! Seriousely, it sounds like you are so unbelievably desperate, and I'm going to tell you, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. DRUGS. Showing off CONDOM WRAPPERS. You shouldn't even bother being friends with such a loser, let alone wonder if you want to have sex with him or not! I'm sorry, but you need to be told!

One/some of my boyfriend's friends are like that... even the ones without girlfriends-- they just go around and bang anybody. I don't think my boyfriend would take after them only because we've been together for so long and he's been around it all the time, and admits they're just stupid and messed up. Sort of like a maturity over what they do. Bunch of other things, but i'll just leave it at that because it's more about what YOUR boyfriend feels about it. Just use what you know to determine if he's trustworthy. Will he always have to go away like this? Either way, I know how you feel... even knowing that I shouldn't worry, I am still paranoid.

I think that this test would fail, and that is because how do you know a girl looking at you and passing a smile isn't just looking for one in return-- an EGO stroke. Or, say a bunch of girls are together and they all look your way. They could just be acting like they're "supposed" to do that when someone decent comes along, and I think guys do it, too. I walk in the mall and not one guy with even just one other will stop themselves from looking at me or passing a comment, and I look at it as being a guy thing, or maybe they want me to do it in return and boost their egos or something. I think the only way to know is for someone to actually tell you they think you're attractive. It's true they could just want to know if they themselves are, but more often than not I'd say it's a genuine way to know if you are, and not base it on glances and smiles and body language entirely. And I just wanted to add that Prad Pitt is not good looking at all. I don't see it either.

Noo.. You should hope she feels bad that you don't call her, and to have a very UN-happy birthday. Look at it as getting back at her in a way without actually doing anything. You should think to yourself "4 years is a long time-- she shouldn't have cheated on me!" And NOT "4 years is a long time, I should wish her a happy birthday after she cheated on me." Don't make yourself out to be a tool.

Decide which is more important-- the female friend or the girlfriend. In my opinion, a boyfriend should only have enough room and time for one girl in his life. It can also depend on the girlfriend. Some don't mind, but if they do, then that's the decision that needs to be made.

I used to feel that way about my boyfriend for years, and unfortunately I broke up with him over it several times (DON'T do that over it! Unless you really have to for whatever reason, but if it's a self-esteem issure with yourself, try to work it out with yourself). It really is just a self-esteem problem. Even now, I still have low self-esteem-- but with my boyfriend, I know that it is because of that, so I don't worry. It might take a while for you to accept the fact that he does like you in every way you think he doesn't. Try to forget about your insecurities, and realize that it actually is that easy for your boyfriend to like these things about you that he does. There's many times I find myself surprised that even my boyfriend likes things about me. An example I can give is this: I got a tan recently because I though to myself maybe he doesn't like it that I'm pale because EVERY girl I see has a tan, and it was just something I thought made a girl attractive-- and he said he doesn't even care, he liked me fine when I was pale. So you may find yourself surprised over things even as little as that! Don't think of him saying "it's over". I do the same thing, and it's so easy to imagine the person's voice saying it, and you'll end up convincing yourself it's going to happen and it will cause all kinds of worry that you don't even have to worry about. I hope this helps.

He spends time with me at night those nights, but then stops by to see friends latenight, like between 11 and 2, sometimes not for long. But it's still a time where I'm left with nothing to do, and I wish he'd bring me with him but I guess I don't really fit. Sometimes it's only short visits, and he does live a distance away. I have work Sunday mornings so Saturday nights are excluded. Sometimes he has work Saturday mornings so he'll only see me some Friday nights.

Thanks, ehm doubleyou. One of my problems is that I really don't have female friends... I do have a few, but I really don't get to hang out with them for different reasons (distance, work, and whatnot... and I am not really too close to them in a friend sense unfortunately), and the one I could have hung out with last night, but she's kind of turning into a bother (semi-long story, but it's a good reason)... so I didn't go there last night. I do spend every Saturday and Friday night by myself, unless he stays with me late. Usually he goes out and that's also the only time he has a social life because of work. But I do think I need to get some female friends or at least be less available to him just so that I'm not the one who's always available. It's just hard to because I really don't have anything else to be doing.

I ended up talking to him about it tonight. Apparently one of his close friends is on;y "f**k friends" with the girl, and the other one is having problems. The one with the "f**k friend" has always sounded very messed up in the head and from what I've heard, I didn't really see how he could care about someone. The other one I'm not entirely sure about, but my boyfriend said he and his girlfriend are having problems but he doesn't care to know details so he doesn't know. But it doesn't seem like we'll be going out with his friends and girlfriends at all. He didn't know that's what I was getting at because I didn't want him to think I was trying to invade or anything. He explained some things to me like how he and his friends are just... the guys. It's just guy things and I suppose I don't exactly fit. There's just no way to get me around any of them and make it work without me being a 5th wheel it seems, and the only girl. Sometimes I wonder if the fact that I am ALWAYS available to him, that may have something to do with this-- because I'm always around for him, so maybe he just feels comfortable with me always being around that he can actually have a separate life for friends and me? Because I really am always around for him.. . I'm never busy with my own friends. I tried to make it seem like I was tonight. I was planning on going out tonight but I really don't feel like it now-- just generally wanting to stay in. But I told him I might sleep over a friend's house as she's home alone, which was true. He seemed a little more into what I was doing... could this actually be an important factor in this? That my social life is minimal and I'm ALWAYS around for him?

Well, most of his friends he's been friends with since he was very little... so they supposedly must have a stronger friendship than we'll ever have. I'm not sure. I don't know if my boyfriend would want to do any sort of double date.. I've invited him before but he doesn't want to. It's a good idea, definitely... but he's just not interested in being with couples when he's with his friends it seems.

No, his friends don't bring their girlfriends along with them. The ones that do have girlfriends just see them at other times. Some girlfriends, even of his best friend in which he's had one for a few months now, my boyfriend hasn't even met her yet-- and that's his best friend. Most of his friends don't have girlfriends-- but there's not "other" girls there either with those ones. I'm sure there has to have been a girlfriend there at some point, but from my understanding it's all guys. And secondly, that's really the only reason why I care now. Possibly more of the fact that he has more of a social life than I do, so it would be something for me to do instead of nothing.. And I don't hold doors open for him.

I never really thought about how since we are also friends we should go out with eachother's friends... but one thing that he has said is that "You're not my friend-- you're my girlfriend!" so I think he truly believes that it's right for him to have a separate life, girlfriend and friends, and not girlfriend/friends together. Could it even be possible that he doesn't realise that's not entirely 'right' to exclude me? It reminds me of something-- when I was at his house, he didn't hold the door for me, and his mother saw it-- two times he didn't. I don't even CARE about him holding a door for me... but his mother got on him about it, saying "you better hold the door for her!" sounding serious, and ever since then he holds doors for me! So do you think maybe he just doesn't 'see' there being a problem having a separate life, just as he didn't 'see' there being a problem with not holding the door for me? I know if we lived together we'd probably share friends more easily and maybe he'd see... but that can't come until later. I don't have enough money for that, though he does.. aggh. I don't entirely mind... I might have a lousy time out with all his guy friends and be left out... If there was ever a girl or girlfriend there of one of the other guys, then I'd be so upset... There's just the people making a deal over it, AND people who talk about their times out with the boyfriend and their friends... it gets to me I suppose. I mean, one thing is that I think of him being out and some of my friends... and I just think 5TH WHEEL. So maybe he feels the same? But I DO want to include him... And about "showing off" the gf/bf... I wonder if he doesn't want to? I am an attractive girl, and I don't know how i actually can say that. I must be getting confident or something. But I kind of feel ugly-ish that he doesn't want to show me off... But I'd probably feel like some sort of trophy anyway (not saying that towards your relationship or others with showing off the gf/bf-- that's just how I think I would feel-- because that's just me I guess.) Oh and you said in a month... I meant I'm turning 21 in a year from this month. I should have just said "in a year" haha.

**updated on page #2 comment 8.16.05** I used to NOT even care; not at all. But now I really do, I think mostly because when people ask me "what do you think of your boyfriend's friends" my answer is always "oh he doesn't take me out with them, so Idon't really know." Everyone just treats it as "WHYYY?" Honestly, if it wasn't such a bad horrible thing, I'd not even care what he does. But it seems like it's a rule! So, some background (as if people don't already know-- I post here so much) I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. Things are going well and alot of my posts here seem to be issues with me and my insecurities and self-esteem, and not as much of him as I thought. I've learned alot about myself and him and can say that things between us are very good/perfect otherwise. When we first started dating, he took me to a friends house... and I wanted to leave. Because we were sitting on a couch in the corner and he wasn't talking (he used to be, and may still be a quiet guy w/friends). I felt awkward. He MIGHT be the same way, still. Kind of quiet, sitting off to the side-- but he has so many friends. All male. He says "I don't want to take you out with all dudes!" and his friends do sound very rowdy... but why can't I go? He says "any of my friends with girlfriends do things with them other times, not when we're all hanging out." and recently he mentioned that one time he brought me to his friends house and how I wanted to leave, as I just explained. He said "I don't want to have to entertain you." because I think we might just be sitting off to the side, and me being the only girl and bored. And also, he sometimes hangs out one-on-one with another guy friend so I might be like a [5th] wheel. Another factor is the distance between us. We live about 25 minutes away, so I can't just be in the same neighborhood or be friends with the same people. I think he's actually afraid of me being friends with his friends. I THINK maybe he might not want me to get friendly with any of the guys-- and I honestly wouldn't want him to be with any of my girlfriends, but if he actually wanted to come out with me and my few friends, I'd have him. Which is another thing, he is not AT ALL interested in hanging out with me and my own friends; it's just the way he is. So it's not like he's coming with me and I'm not with him... it's not at all both ways, except for the fact that I actually want to now because of all the fuss I get over him not inviting me out. Like I said, if this is all "okay", then I don't even care if I can't come... but part of me wants to be included. I know that maybe once in a while there could be a girl there-- like maybe a lady friend of one of the guys or a new girlfriend. So it makes me wonder if I'm being left out more than I think I am. He's 21 and can go to bars, and from my understanding, when I turn 21 in a year from this month, I'll be able to go out with him and his friends because it's more of a public place. I don't really know the difference but he apparently sees one. There is one situation that bothers me and it's my boyfriend's friend who comes back to visit. He has a girlfriend who lives in the same town as my boyfriend and my boyfriend says he doesn't stick around and she doesn't come out with them, but what if she does and I'm being left out? Is there a NICE and POSITIVE way that I can ask my boyfriend that if there's ever girls around that I can come too? Another thing with that is he may not always know ahead of time who is going to be wherever. It seems like everything has a valid reason... all because of the circumstances... but just the reaction it gets from people who find out my boyfriend doesn't take me out, it makes me wonder if this is HORRIBLE. I know it should be up to me if it is or not... but I guess I'm just not feeling confident from what people say. It's not a lot of people, just a few friends and some comments I get on here. EDIT-- I forgot to mention, and I think this is important-- All his friends know he has a girlfriend. Every time his friends call when he's with me, he ALWAYS says "I'm with my girlfriend, doing [whatever it is we're doing]." so it's not like his friends don't know. I just wanted to add that.

Are you saying she shouldn't marry him because she's only been with him, and the fact that she's been with him since she was 15? Or more because he's kissed two other girls? How long ago was that? For one, I don't see anything wrong with marrying your first love, or even a love you've been with for a while. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 14 and he was 15, and we're 20 and 21 now. I don't even care to know what it would be like to be with anyone else because I am so happy in my relationship, and I know in my heart, mind, and gut that he feels only for me. I have no desire at all to "experience" anyone else, so I do find it possible that she might not wake up and want to be with other people. I've had 3 other boyfriends before my current-- and I don't even REMEMBER what it was like! So even if she did date around, or anyone else, you'll probably just forget about them anyways because once you get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, you forget about the past ones (unless it's some long term relationship and you're hung up, blah blah) The kissing other girls is very bad, though. Unless she can trust him and he can be trusted, then that desicion is up to her. I'm not sure what you can tell her because only she knows the depth of the trust.

My boyfriend of almost 6 years can be the same way, but he wasn't like that at all at 5 months. In any case, my boyfriend says that he can't believe he talked to me for as long as he did because he developed a HATE for the phone. I can get in touch with him, sometimes not so easily, but I don't always hear from him during the weekdays at all, and only see him during the weekends. That is because he works and goes to school all week and usually goes to bed afterwards. But what is the reason for no contact through the whole week-- are you two busy? It's tough that you can't at least get in touch with him. If you haven't talked to him about it yet, then you should now, and say exactly how you feel about not hearing from him. Does he know you at least call? Maybe you shouldn't call at all and he'll notice that he has 0 missed calls on his phone?

I was just wondering-- has he ever had other female friends? Is she the only one, and when did she come about? I'm also wondering how old are you? Because 8 years is so long I'm wondering if you two were going to get married, though I see you asked him where the relationship was going..

What really bothers me is that, he's not going to be doing anything he wouldn't normally, it just means that he'll be doing those things for LONGER as I'm not going to be around... ugh. Like going to bars, and just generally being out and drinking. But he only goes out Fridays and Saturdays, so it's just two nights (maybe even one if he stays in Friday) that I will be worried. I guess I just don't want him to like me not being around... I thought I could stay home, so I told him that I'd like him to stay with me at my house, and he was all for it, so that must mean he'll be with me when he can, right? I'm wondering if he'll come up Friday night until Sunday night... maybe... That way I can avoid the worry There's nothing to worry about but I do worry about everything that could ever happen. =\

Since last summer I've began dreading going away on family vacations while my boyfriend stays home. He can come, but he can't because of work and school. If it was just Friday night through Sunday night, he could, but it's Firday morning through however long, usually into the next week. It's just that, the weekend will come and he'll be out Friday and Saturday night... and I don't know how I'm going to be able to feel okay and enjoy my family vacation knowing he's out at some bar or out with his friends while I'm stuck in another state. Trust isn't an issue-- I just don't know what it is about this that I don't like. I don't even know, but it makes me feel so upset and I don't know how I'll get through it. I can't stay home, either-- I have to go. So, does anyone else feel this way come time for family vacations? I didn't always.. just last summer I started to, and now especially as he's 21. I feel like it's more time he'll have out partying as I'm not going to be around. I feel all the "what ifs" coming, and again, not about trust and it's not something I want to talk about because the issue is just being able to have my mind OFF of what he's doing while I'm so many miles away. But I keep getting the "what ifs" just simply because I'll be so far away... this is the 5th summer vacation I'm going to be on as I've been with him for almost 6 years... yet I worry and let it bother me now =\ I guess I just feel like I have to be there on the weekends... I don't want to feel like this.

I know college can definitely be about changing who you are. I know of alot of people who have changed FOR college, but I'm changing in the MIDDLE of college as I've always been this way over so many years. I really do look like an entirely different person.

haha. I "worked it" for so many years now. I have been long overdue for this change, I just wish I did earlier... maybe even years earlier. It is so positive on my life.