xmrth

I do agree, but I can be the same way. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years, so we've both shared our good ammount of saying "I love you." 2 years ago my boyfriend stopped saying it over the phone, but he still says it back. He just says he hates having to say it, and I know he loves me or else he wouldn't be with me for this long. I always say it and now I'm wondering if he's tired of hearing it? Think I should lay off the "I love yous" for even weeks? I wonder if he'll act differently.. and want to say it or say it back eagerly. I get nervous to even try because I don't want him to feel neglected because I always have said it.

Thank you for your comment, RayKay. This really has been driving me crazy. The girlfriend says things like "love is all that matters" and things like that, and will ask me things about my own relationship. She doesn't put mine down and doesn't compare, but when she asks me, it makes ME realize that "wow.. no me and my boyfriend aren't like that." And it makes me feel like that's how it's supposed to be. Would you say my relationship is healthy, if you don't mind me asking? My boyfriend works and goes to school during the week, so unless he's miraculousely not tired he'll come over (and we live 30 minutes away, so that's 1 hour driving distance, and he always has to come here because his house is rather small and we have no privacy from his parents. They like having their house for family. My boyfriend's sister is the same way with only inviting people in to say hello, they do not stay, so it's nothing personal towards me. Just so you know why my boyfriend is the one who has to do the hour worth of driving.) We always see eachother on Friday and Saturday nights, and it isn't for too long. Probably 10 hours a week we see eachother (5 hours a day for 2 days-- and now that I no longer work Saturdays we plan to off and on spend much longer than that depending on if he has to work, so that's variety right there), unless he's able to stop by during the week. He has his own friends and does his own things but not for as long as the roughly 10 hours a week we see eachother, but I've for the most part, just got this couple. He is always HAPPY for me that I go out since I have NO friends other than them and it makes me feel good, so why can't I be okay with him going out? I work Sundays, which is a full day he's got off. SO that day I think is good for him to hang out and be lazy and see his friends, go to the gym. This is a GOOD day for him to have, is this right? It does not feel like we only see eachother 10 hours a week. I actually like it-- but like my post says, now my couple friends make me feel like he's supposed to be seeing me every day! And he's tired, he works so much. I hope I haven't given him too rough of a time over it. I still feel like it wasn't too long since I've seen my boyfriend even for 6-7 days apart as long as I can get in touch with him over the phone-- which is another thing because usually he goes straight to bed and since the couple always gets in touch and has set times to talk, it makes me think that's how we are supposed to be and since we've been together for over 5 1/2 years, we've already talked and talked on the phone, and i know he's confident I'm always here for him, but now I've lost confidence and all the poor guy is doing is resting and believe me, I like that he's got priorities. I hope I'm not rambling-- I guess I don't know how to explain how our relationship is. Basically he's not afraid that I do my own things, and he does his own, but the couple made me feel neglected even though my boyfriend still sees me more than anyone else and never chooses his friends over me unless his friends who are in the war come home on leave.. because they could die when they go back. I never tell him "no, you need to see me" (thank goodness) but I sure do feel that way. This post made me feel okay about it at least. Just knowing that's not healthy.

Thank you for all these responses. I do feel better about my own relationship knowing that theirs may be unhealthy. I feel happy that me and my own boyfriend don't spend so much time together like they do because our spark can die-- and our spark has lasted so long so I definitely don't want it to die! I'm glad that I posted this when I did because the girlfriend was asking me if I wanted to hang out-- but it HAD to be during the day because they hang out together after the boyfriend gets out of work because now he has a job (I mentioned they didn't have jobs-- I didn't know he got a job now, so I'm just correcting that-- news to me) and so I asked her "well how's about afterwards? How late does he hang out at your house (doesn't live alone, they both live with parents, they've just turned 18 and the other is 19) and she said "oh I can't... we hang out from 3PM-12AM after he works every day. So basically this guy isn't even seeing his own family! If I hadn't written this, I would have felt like crap all this morning continuing on into the day wondering why MY boyfriend doesn't see me for hours and hours after he works.

I completely agree with you on that one. But just being around them influences me and makes me feel like my relationship with my boyfriend should be that way. It drives me crazy and I feel like the worst person because of it. It influences me like that because they are my ONLY couple friends. I don't know any other couple like I know them. I've actually talked to my boyfriend about it. Not comparing us, just telling him "they never do anything without the other" and things like that, just talking and not trying to talk mean, just mentioning because he's never met them. He tells me "they're not right" for it.

I've always known I'm a "needy" girlfriend, but didn't realize just how needy I am until now that I really sit down and think about it. I am friends with another couple and they both do EVERYTHING together-- they don't even hang out alone with anyone with out eachother. Since being around them I've gotten it in my head that this is right, and now I'm needy in other areas that I wasn't before. Am I right to feel these ways, or am I really as needy as I think I am? How can I settle down and not be so needy? My needy problems are these: I always feel like my boyfriend has to do EVERYTHING with me now-- see me each and every single day, bring me out with him everywhere he goes-- everywhere. Call me non-stop, take me out when he's having a "guys night out." The couple I'm friends with has these set-times they call eachother and are always in touch, they go everywhere together, they're so dependent on eachother... they haven't even been going out as long as us (we've been going out 3 times longer than them-- over 5.5 years) and are younger than us and are engaged!! (we are not going to be married until I'm out of college and we're both settled financially into a career-- I believe this is smart! But now I'm feeling like we should be engaged. The other couple doesn't even have jobs or money for daily necessities!) Just being around this other couple so much and hearing about what they do-- neither of them have jobs so they're always around eachother, very dependant on eachother, I feel like this is how MY relationship is supposed to be, even though they annoy me with the fact that they don't have lives outside the relationship. I think if I had other couple friends I'd know the differences and not be so influenced that being entirely 100% dependent on the significant other is how it's supposed to be. My boyfriend is definitely there for me, but I can't get it out of my head that he's supposed to have his life revolve around me! The couple I'm friends with are very nice people... but being around them is tampering with my perception of what is right for me/us. Can other people please share their relationship routines with me? Such as when you usually get in contact with your bf or gf (such as, whenever you can, sometimes miss a day, or all the time) or when you see eachother and what you do with or without them? I think I've got to know about other relationships so I know that everyone's is actually different. Because my mind just doesn't work the right way with these things.

I might even try reading that book, too. I get anxious when I'm out but it's only because I'm paranoid. Sometimes I get paranoid someone will see me and think I'm doing something wrong and my boyfriend will hear this lie. Or that someone else who looks like me is out and doing something bad and my boyfriend would find out. Things like that bother me about social situations, even while one doesn't involve me... I don't know, does that book cover things like that? One thing I think I've improved on is not calling my boyfriend so much. I didn't call him at all yesterday, and didn't feel I needed to call him today. Usually I feel an urge to "check up on him" but I NEVER reveal that is what I'm actually doing. I think it's good for me to just let it go and it's working as I started reading one of the books about overthinking I've mentioned.

yeah, I have over the years. It was suggested I take medication but ever since that book it's not as bad. It's tolerable, but I think in a sense it bleeds into my paranoia as I get anxious because of the paranoia.

I think that what was most helpful was the fact that the author Lucinda Bassett explained what it was that I was feeling, and explained why, and also explained different problems people have and what they could do. Basically saying "if --whatever it is-- has never happened before, it's NOT going to." I used to think I'd throw up in front of everyone back when I was in HS because I always felt sick. I always thought "this time I'm REALLY sick" every single solitary day I was out somewhere.. constantly having to make sure there was a way out of any situation, always sitting near doorways so I could escape. I remember when my HS had a mock-lockdown just to run everyone through the proceedure.. they had everyone stay in the classrooms and I just panicked because if I had to leave I couldn't. She explained this in there, and I was amazed that other people actually felt that way.. and I just sort of snapped out of it. The only times I get nervous now about being sick is if I feel weird (I recently had vertigo and thought I was "dying" -real sick from something horrible- because I'd never experienced being so dizzy before) and also sometimes I get heart palpitations when I'm trying to sleep and I get carried away thinking about it too much and end up staying up because of it.. but other than that, the book worked like magic.

I don't feel it's absolutely severe, but it does effect my everyday life. I think I just need a therapist to talk to and need to read a few books on it. I now have 2 requested online to arrive at my local library, the one someone suggested here "Stop Obsessing" and the other one "Women who think too much" I had GREAT results with the last self-help book, "From Panic To Power." I would always obsess over the thought I was sick or dying since I was maybe 8 until I was 18, and I have been 98% better. Sometimes I think I'm really sick, but I think it's more on a normal level now than it was. I'm thinking over in my head right now to "just stop it." Just stop feeling certain ways and things such as that. It's not that easy because I say that to myself all of the time. I just can't believe myself.... I can only believe other people, and I don't know why.

I do... but I would have to wait 3 more months until the semester starts. I suppose I could see one over the summer and go to the one at my college when I'm there. Unless I could now, but I don't know about that. I'd have to find out. I never thought to when I was in this past semester because I didn't think I had a problem. Thank you for those links, lifeiscash. I'm checking them out right now. -edit- I got these results: You scored 12 out of 20 in Part A. (0 indicates no OCD tendencies, while 20 indicates maximum OCD tendencies.) You scored 17 out of 20 in Part B. (0 indicates no OCD tendencies, while 20 indicates maximum OCD tendencies.)

I actually don't even know how expensive it is.. I don't think I will pass up seeing a therapist to finally take my life back. How much is it? By the hour or by the session? How long could it take....? I will stay however long it will take. I want to feel better.

Thank you for all the responses. I don't think it's that I don't need a boyfriend right now. We're doing wonderfully and I don't see why I should break up with him just because I'm having issues with paranoia. (but see, if we're doing wonderfully then what is the problem? I can speak to myself with some logic, but I CANNOT believe myself!!!!) I'm even paranoid to write this because I think it will cause something bad to happen. My paranoia isn't just from the relationship, and I wish I included this with my original post. But I am also paranoid of these things: -Having a loved one have to to something for me as a favor because I think something bad will happen and it will be my fault. -Going out anywhere usually. I don't stay in all together usually, but I'll go out when I know few people will be around. That is because I feel like a person who is going back in time and if anyone sees me it could have a negative affect. Such as someone seeing me and they think negaatively of me, and it will somehow make its way to my boyfriend and make him dislike me for whatever reason. I don't say anything bad about anyone but I am always thinking they're saying something bad about me. I don't exactly care but I do.. I don't want to impress them but I don't want them to say negative things. I wish I could pick who knows and who sees me. What could a therapist do? Could they actually make me feel any better? I want to go to one but I keep having doubts that there's anything they can do to help, and I DON'T want to be on medication. I also had alot of problems with anxiety that after I read a book called "From Panic to Power" I was better.. but I feel that maybe this is anxiety in a different form.

Please, anyone.. please... help me. This is ruining my life, and my sanity. I don't know why I can't just get my mind to STOP thinking, and STOP believing that all kinds of negative and bad things are going to happen in my relationship. This also bleeds a little bit into things outside of my relationship (such as I believe that when people talk amongst themselves, they are speaking negatively about me. When they probably aren't) I am going to describe where I believe my rediculous paranoia comes from. I think it's very important. I am hoping that someone can tell me how I can get better, and possibly tell me why I shouldn't worry. What I am most paranoid over is my boyfriend hanging with girls. I should NOT worry about this. I have no male friends, and he has NOO female friends. He wouldn't and doesn't want me hanging with a dude, and I definitely don't want him hanging with a girl. We're both very happy about this, and have no worries. Neither of us would EVER argue about wanting to have a friend of the opposite gender. (but read on because I used to want guy friends back in the day) And yet, I still feel paranoid. I was always a little paranoid to begin with, but could easily stop and think of something else. I hate to say it, but things started to get out of hand with my paranoia when I started coming to this site. (don't anyone leave or think too much because I'm saying this. I don't want the place to lose any members because of me.) I used to tell my boyfriend when he'd go out and hang with his buddies "Have a good time!" and "Have fun!" until I read a post by a girl who said "I used to always tell my boyfriend to have a good time when he was out... and then now he has cheated on me." I dwell on that... all the time. What if it happened to me? I began to get very paranoid, and then read more posts... things like people breaking up who have been going out for as long as us I always think it could happen to us.. Then I read things like if you're too overly protective, it could LEAD the boyfriend to cheat. And that gets me MORE paranoid, and I dwell and think it could happen to us. Then I get nightmares, and nightmares seem so real.. I can definitely place together where they come from (from a post I read, or even from a television show) so I know it's not piecing together from our relationship, which is good. I then think and think and think and dwell on the PAST. Things were different when we first started going out. For both of us. I was 14, and he was 15. Coming into eachothers lives for the first time.. he went out alot and partied (which I'm glad he did THEN, because NOW he has settled down and is more mature about it of course) He used to hang with his friends and also girls. He used to always call me up when he was out there. One time (and I asked him about this the other day and he says he has NO idea what I'm talking about. Which leads me to the conclusion that he made it up? Possibly.) But there was this rather... s-word girl who tried to give herself left and right. He said she sat on his lap and he pushed her off. Not a bad thing he did that. But I think about what it must have looked like.. some girl getting close to him. Then 3 years ago, he had just turned 18, I used his cellphone, and swear I wasn't snooping, and I swear I just didn't know how to use a cell so I looked up my number (I think about this now as I have had a cellphone for about 2 years as of today and think of how dumb I was back then) But he had all kinds of girls numbers on there (about 4). Including the s-wordy girl. I confronted him, he was genuinely concerned about what would happen and sorry. Prior to this (at the time, I was young and wanted guy friends. I wanted them because they were easier to be friends with for me.. so I told him he could have female friends.) he said "You told me I could have female friends!" and then said "I was drunk and they took my phone and put it in there!" so I don't know which it is, and I can't remember which he admited was true. He does not lie.. so I don't know what that was about. It was either of them. I doubt he asked them for it. It's not like him... Then about 2 1/2 years ago we broke up for quite some time (I was very needy over everything... I think I broke up with him because I was aggravated over everything and wanted things to change) for about 7 months. We still always saw eachother, but just tried to get out of it. He went to a Halloween party at this point and some girl tried to get with him. She seemed desperate (he told me all of this, and it's true. He would not lie. -but oh, would he?- I hope you wont say that) she tried to get with him as she found out he was single. He told me she wasn't bad looking.. he could have gotten with her but didn't. He told her he really did have a girlfriend (me) and stayed away from her. Even though we were broken up and our relationship probably seemed helpless from his point of view. Basically I think of that and feel he obviousely cared for our relationship if he told some girl he could have had he was still with me when he wasn't. I also did some things I shouldn't. I was worse than him. I think of it and tell myself and say "It's okay.. I was young.. I didn't know then even 1/4 of what I know now." I used to always have guys call me, I wanted guy friends, it really wasn't okay. (I have female friends now and don't even want another guy friend. I'm happy about this and we're both happy) So now, present day. 2 years out of Highschool. We're both very different people, and have both grown up (ESPECIALLY me. Especially...) I am paranoid because of our past... I think about the girls, even though he was faithful and honest. I am paranoid of girls being around him now. He hangs out with the guys.. goes to bars once in a blue moon (maybe 2-3 times ever) and also called me when he got in in the early morning hours! It was cute/funny. I've seen pictures of him at the bar. Just him and the guys, smiling having a good time. I've seen pictures on his phone of him and the guys just hanging out. He tells me "there's not girls there, if there were I'd tell you." His friends call him occaisionally. He tells them clear as day "Oh I can't tonight, I'm out with my girlfriend." and they call him a couple times within the past 2 months when he's with me, so regardless of weather or not he talks about me, they know he's got a girl. I suppose that I'm so jealous and paranoid of there being a girl there (in which supposedly there never is) that because he never is around girls, it would bother me 10 times more if he really was since I'm not used to it. I get paranoid that he'll make a new friend who will invite him out and there will be girls there. I get paranoid of what THEY will do and what THEY will influence on him. He's not the most polite of guys to girls (from what I've seen over the years.) he's not any nicer to them than he is to any of his friends. Very casual and "un-interested" in that way. I aggravated him so much on the subject of there being girls that he said, for the first time in all the years we've been together "I'M OBVIOUSELY NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE ELSE! I'VE GOT ALL I WANT WITH YOU!" I just think about it and think about it and dwell and I can imagine bad things happening, to the point where I can hear his voice in these nightmareish daydreams of mine. He doesn't invite me out with the guys. He says "I'm not taking you out with all dudes!" he's not controlling, he doesn't even care if I'm out with a girlfriend and a guy is there... so why can't I be that way for him? He says if I were to go out with him and the guys that he wouldn't be able to "be himself." He said in a happier tone "because I like to be loud and obnoxious and if you're there I just can't be." I asked him to take me along if there were to ever be girls around.. he said he would. He used to take me out with his friends back when we FIRST started dating. He said that things are just different now. I asked him "is it because you are with the guys, and it's not really something for a girl to be around?" and he said yes that was basically why. Before they just hung around and whatnot.. I guess now since they're all older they're just different and more mature.. or something. Guys need to explain this to me more. Even though I trust him, I am afraid of what the girls might do. I'm not afraid of him ever initiating even a conversation with one because I know he just wouldn't.. that's jut how he is. I read posts here, and you all know what a variety we get. And I always think that each and every one of those things will happen to us. I think even if I left the forum I'd be paranoid until I found an answer. I am currently to be receiving a book called "Women Who Think Too Much." I hope this will help on top of any comments I get. Our relationship aside from this: He comes to see me alot even though he's tired and stressed from work and school. We are growing closer and closer together, still a spark is there, and it's grown, still so happy. Nothing at all has dwindled. I'm just so paranoid. Do I need to see a therapist for this? I know if I were married people might be quicker to say yes, but I think of this as a marriage, and I want to treat it just as seriousely. Can this be a "sticky" too, please? I want to get as many responses as I can. I'm afraid that its length (or content) will drive readers of my post away... ```Martha

I posted something similar not too long ago. Something I've done since then is read the book to Make Friends and Influence People" It's helpful, but I am still in the works for getting this problem solved.

Yes, living with him would be one reason. I do not want to live with him before engagement, though. He agrees as well.

Thank you for your advice, schatzieK. I think you're right. I shouldn't even worry until I'm in my mid 20's. I still have this feeling that he, or even his parents might feel it's right when he's around that age and we're both settled into careers.

That's very true-- I do get pushy (yesterday in particular because I just really wanted answers..). He told me that I have to stop asking him and stop trying to push him into it. I'm not pushing him into it, but as long as he feels I am then I may as well be. I don't ask him every other day, I just ask him maybe once a month usually. It gets into my head and I'm itching to ask. But I promise myself I'll not ask him anymore because I think I pushed it too far yesterday. I told him after I asked him questions about it that we need to forget that conversation and I only asked him because I really wanted answers (which I did.. I just wanted answers) That was how I found out more about what his parents thought, which I think it useful info for me... it just came at the price of annoying him

I wasn't looking for it to change anything in it. Everything is fine how it is. I just want it badly. Oh.. and I have to edit my post for another reason. It will be at the bottom as to why. I forgot to add something.

I'm almost 20, he's just about to turn 21. We've been dating 5.5 years. I would really like for him to marry me now, but he says he's not old enough. We are still very young. I think it's interesting in a way because my parents married around our age, and they say it's fine if we do, and I know they want us to. But his parents got married in their early 30's (they didn't even meet until then!), and they tell him all the time that he "better not get married until he's much older." I talked to him about this again, and he said they'd probably get mad if he got married when he was at 24 years old. He says "They've been right about everything else" and things like that, particularly concerning his job and him making money. I've been thinking about it alot, and by that time, I will be out of college for a year to two years, and will have a chance to pay bills and get into a career without having to pay for a house and a gown and a wedding. I agree that it is smart.. but it's just that we've been dating for so long now and that is what makes me feel eager to. Is it normal that I feel this way? Do alot of other people get married after having dated for many many years? That is just being married, though. I'd be happy to be engaged to him and living with him around that time. Is it possible that is how it will work out? I'm beginning to think so myself. I would be happy with that. This is the person who I want to marry, and I will wait. I know he's the marrying type (I read that thing on MSN, and someone else posted about it here, too) We get along, we have fun together, we have the same views, we make decisions together, he's honest, a hard worker, and everything that I could want in a husband. It's just a matter of knowing WHY I have to wait, I want to know more of the good that will come from it, and if I'm the only one who has this problem. Since I don't know of anyone else, it makes it seem more wrong than it probably is. I like to know I'm not alone in a "problem".. that's just the type of person I am. I forgot to mention that it makes me wonder why I can't be married when there are so many people (slightly younger than us) and who have not even been dating for as long as us who are already married or engaged.. it makes me feel like it should be US.

freeindeed: I've heard of alot of people in their relationships how the E-Mails and IMs stop eventually. My boyfriend never E-Mailed me (doesn't use the internet) so I don't know what it's like to have him stop.. but for you it must feel like it's another form of broken communication since it's E-Mail and the phone. I would just try to consider it just one form because it will feel like alot less weighing down your concerns, you know what I mean? I hope that doesn't sound stupid, haha. But that's how I would think of it just to get less off my mind. misery12: 3-4 is exactly how many hours me and my boyfriend would talk when we were first together, and we were also the same age as you (I was 14 and he was 15, and now I'm going on 20 and he's going on 21) I don't know what we even talked about way back when. We're both kind of on the quiet side, particularly him. I just like to sit on the phone in silence sometimes just knowing he's on the other end but I think that's what he doesn't like, haha. Those are times where I have nothing to say, of course. I just wish my boyfriend would give me a quick call to say hello. Now that he's in college he has a small break in the afternoon in which once or twice a week he'll call to say hi. Sometimes he doesn't, so then I will do the calling and he's always there to answer and chat for a bit. I don't know why I can't just let this be enough... I think I'm far too needy and I've just got to stop

Thank you for your response. I seriousely feel almost entirely better now. I'm just so negative and can't believe my own reassurence. Since I like being on the phone I don't know what it's like to not like to be. Which made it hard to see it his way.

A while back I never heard from my boyfriend of 5.5 years three days out of the week. That is because he was busy with work and then immediately had night classes afterwards. It was strenuous for him.. and looking back I feel like I could understand. Work, school, bed. Now he goes to college (a trade-school to replace the night courses) and sometimes works at night for an hour after (the place he works at now closes early) until about 6-7PM. (and I don't typically see him those nights because we live about 30 minutes away and he has early classes in the mornings, so he needs to be back on time to sleep) I went from rarely hearing from him, to hearing from him again, and now back to not hearing from him that much. But that might only be this week.. I'm not sure. Because he's on to work every night this week. It just really hurts to not hear from him, so I asked him the other night when I called him. He told me the same thing he's said in the past, that he hates the phone. He doesn't talk to any of his friends for more than 2 minutes, and it's true, he doesn't. But I wish he'd talk to me. It's also true that since we've been together for 5.5 years now that we don't have much to say over the phone, but in person there's always things to talk about. Usually, anyway. If there's something to talk about we'll talk for a while. I like to be on the phone with him when we can't see eachother even when there's nothing to say. Could it REALLY be true he just hates the phone? He said he just hates it.. feels like he's wasting his time, just wants to go to bed, etc. It's also a self-confidence issue with me. I feel he doesn't like me when he doesn't call me. I try just not calling him and he'll call me asking what's up and seeming like he cares about what kept me from calling. It's not completely obvious, but I can tell just a little bit. I guess I just really need reassurence that he hates the phone and it's nothing personal with me. He can't reassure me... We're inside the box; I need an outside view. I don't get to see him that much so when we're apart it's all that comes close to being near him. I tell him I like it when he calls, but he doesn't all the time. I don't know. I wish someone would just tell me they do the same thing, or it's the same with their relationship instead of "oh my boyfriend does this and that and calls me all the time and every 5 minutes." because I don't care obviousely. I feel like there's something I could say to him that would help it, but nothing works for this.

His friend has gone back to Iraq about 5 days ago, and things are back to normal and I've seen him 4 out of those 5 days. I just feel bad that I let it upset me

It's funny-- my boyfriend's close friend tried to convince him he had sex for 27 hours. My only response to that is a smirk, haha. As if.

This is definitely serious. You are not the cazy one. I'm very happy to know that you understand this yourself, and are not clinging to him as he is to you. Go to the police or anyone of authority who can do something to help him.. he's basically told you everything that he will most likely carry out..