xmrth

I think it's just the fact that it could happen... the only thing I can compare it with is being a hypochondriac. Since I was little until I was 18, I was so afraid of being sick or dying because it happened to other people. I read a book that changed that, the Panic to Power book. So I feel like it's kind of like this-- as long as I've heard of cheating going on with other poeple, I feel like it can happen to me. Maybe I should read that book again with this in mind rather than fear of getting sick. The fear of being cheated on didn't come until within the past 2 years, and I don't know exactly when but just hearing about it and being on this forum where other people post about being cheated on... I guess it built up inside.

I don't know because I think about that and I just don't think he'd do it (which means I shouldn't have worried in the first place). But if he did, I don't believe he'd ever do it again, or even drink much for that matter. I know he's not let himself drink so much that he gets really sick because he's gotten really sick and says he'd never again (and hasn't... and drank that much before we even went out so he's not done it for this long), so I know he doesn't drink to that extent. I hope that means he doesn't drink until he looses control. But I really don't know what it's like. I don't know why but asking me that makes me worry again. I think way too deeply into things

Well, last night I actually got to see how my own boyfriend is when he's drinking. He didn't drink that much (or did he?) He had one beer from the bottle, and about 5 medium cups of it at a show we went to. He acted NO differently. He made this one comment about the show and the crowd... about how he's been to concerts and girls have been groped in there. I said "how do you know?" and he said "I just know" and I said "oh you did it?" and he said "No obviousely I didn't I've been with you since I was fr**gin 15." So that was an incredible answer, even though I knew he wouldn't do that anyway. haha, so anyways, the comments I've gotten on this and just being with him like that last night (and him ignoring the pretty girls AND saying a mean remark to the super-model-ish bartender... who kept going up to him asking him if he wanted more beer when he had a full cup of it. He called her a f***** idiot when she turned around, so I feel like he must not go for the girls I'm afraid of because he always kind of brushes them off as stupid and annoying) He'd never say something like that to me ever, so obviousely I'm just fine with that comment! So it made me feel like I said, the girls I'm afraid of that would be all crazy and try to get with him he'd not be interested in anyway on top of it not being in his nature to do something while drunk and drinking. That might sound mean, but I'm just saying this is how I am getting over being this way concerning him. This weekend he'll probably be out with his friends (but I'm with him all day on the 4th) and I feel so confident and worry-free. I hope it lasts.

Those are my exact plans as soon as my next semester starts. As soon as I go back there, I am seeing the counselor. I wanted to see a therapist this summer, but it will cost so much money that doesn't need to be spent if I can just wait another 2 months. I've just been trying to keep things to myself and not cause damage... and come here for advice, and read self-help books. I've improved alot though I don't think anyone can tell because it's more of my emotional state. I have no idea what makes me think of the things I do, but I hope the cause can be found and resolved. It's got to be a combination of so many things.... ugh. I don't even know. And THANK YOU everyone for your advice. I'm not going to say a word to my boyfriend. I will be supportive when he goes out.. but I think the only easy way of doing that is being happy he had a good time after he's home when I know my fears didn't come true.

So basically... if he isn't going to cheat, he wont even if he's drunk? I just have it in my head that if a person's drunk, they're going to get physical with someone... it's all I see on TV and I hear about it happening so much on the forums and from people I know in person... I think that no matter what, because it's 'possible' I'm going to worry... I've got to just snap out of that and alot of other things...

Whatever you do, do it right when he walks through the door, haha.

Hope, do you think there's a way I could at least ask him if he limits himself? But then again, I've asked him before.. he laughed and said that he has drank so much that he's blacked out, but also he was with all just guys. But I mean what if that's not always the case, what if there's girls there and they are so drunk they end up doing something really bad...? It's just so much uncertainty. Should I just leave it at that and not bother to worry? I just don't know... because then I'll hear about how someone was cheated on and I automatically think "what if that's going to happen to me??" -edit- Thank you all so much for these responses. I just missed two while I was typing this up. He says that he can control what he does, and adds that he's been drinking since 12 and 13... so then it really is true that he can control himself other than just being loud or rowdy--(for example)? I think that hits it right where I'm worried, lady00. I suppose it really is me being afraid of him following through, which I didn't realise makes it me not trusting him... I never thought of it that way. I suppose then if I trust him when he's sober, I should trust him even while drunk? I can do that as long as it's realistic... because if that's true I think it's how I can get over it.

I do trust him, but I suppose I don't in some way since I'm so scared. What I'm scared of more than anything is the alchohol. I just don't know how it can affect a person. I've never seen him with my own eyes when he's drunk, and I myself have never been drunk. I know when he's sober I can trust him with all my heart, but I am just not sure about while drunk. And just in case if anyone asks, he is not by any means an alchoholic. He just drinks socially. I was thinking maybe I could tell him I'm not alright with im drinking too much if there's girls around. I don't think he would drink alot if there are... but on top of that, I don't know how to explain that to him without using ONLY those words.

I know what you're saying. I suppose if you're bisexual you'd just "be both" then and just explain it in your post you are bi, so that way it still fits into the category-- but I could be wrong... I'm not bi so I can't say I know EXACTLY how you feel about it. I'm sure it wasn't named that intentionally to cause problems is what I'm saying, hehe.

That is true... I mean, if a girl touched him he'd probably yell at the girl and be defensive, but the problem is not really knowing what he'd do or where it would lead to. Another big issue I have is that I've NEVER BEEN drunk, so I have no idea what control a person has over their actions... but like I said, he's been drinking for so long, and hasn't done anything wrong... I looked around the forum for posts on being drunk, and they had such negative responses that basically spelled out "trouble and loss of control." But like I said, he apparently has control, but I don't really know what it's like to reassure myself. I am not invited to the 'pool parties' because there really aren't any... it's more of a spontaneous thing that he may do when he's with the guys. I'm just afraid of there being girls there, because his friends tend to... like sl*tty girls. And I don't go out with him and the guys because I've learned of how violent they are. I'm still trying to figure out how my boyfriend is friends with such rough males! He's not a whimp by any means... but these guys are kind of crazy-- such as throwing beer bottles at people and violent. Not sure how a girl would even want to be around them, but most of my issues are things that I think too much about

I never tell him anything he can't do. Telling him that I don't want him in a pool with other girls would be new and on its own. I did just tell him but I think he was half asleep... and I just want to be clear I suppose. He sounded like he heard me, so should I just leave it at that? MOST importantly-- do I not have anything to worry about? I'm just afraid if, what if some girl pulls his shorts down, or grabs his crotch or something? The bar I'm actually okay with more than it might sound, it's just that I'm afraid of him doing it every weekend. I don't know if I'm going to say anything about that, though. I think I have to get used to it because it's new.

I trust my boyfriend... but just the whole turning 21 and alchohol thing gets to me. I know it's summer and I don't want him swimming in a pool if other girls are going to be there. I'm just not okay with that because I know for a fact there'd be alchohol which will impair judgment. I told him early one morning because this was on my mind... I told him, and he just agreed that he wouldn't. But since it was so early, I'm paranoid he forgot about it. I don't really think he'd jump into a pool with girls... that's just not him. But I just want to be clear on it. I mean, I don't even KNOW if there's girls that hang around his friend's house who has the pool. And I don't even know if they even go into it. I just know that the other night they were going to, but changed plans. I don't think he has a problem with not doing that for me... I just want to lightly bring it up to make myself clear. I'm also not happy with him going to bars. He is just going with a bunch of other guys, but I am afraid of it turning into an every weekend thing. He has said himself that he doesn't like bars and thinks they're stupid, but I guess it's something new to do with the guys. I'm also afraid of him drinking too much if he's at a party and there's girls there. But I don't think he would... See, my problem is not really knowing the entire situation, but situations change so I can't really say that what goes on one night will be standard for all the other get togethers. He's been drinking since he was like 12 or 13, and I've been with him since he was 15. And when he was that young for a few years after, he DID drink with other girls around, and I was okay with it (I was more carefree in my own mind) and NOTHING ever happened. He never screwed up and I know. So I assume that since he's been in these situations while drunk, that he must have some sort of good control over his actions? Is this correct? Anyways, I'm wondering also how I can touch the subject of the pool one more time just so I know he knows I'm not alright with it (what if some girl grabs him or pulls his shorts down?? I can trust him but I can't trust other girls!) and the bar is just... I trust him-- but I wouldn't be happy with it being an every weekend thing, so maybe I should hold off on saying anything about that until he actually does go too much, IF he even does? Or is the bar really not that big of a deal since it's just the guys?

I think they still fit into that category. If you're transgendered, that could be tricky (meaning, just mention you are in your post), but I think what they were thinking was that if you are, you were born a certain sex, and whatever one you like, you are going to be either gay/les or bi. But if you're transgendered, and after your new gender you like the opposite sex, you'd probably want to consider yourself straight, and if not I'd imagine just mentioning that in the posts there... I guess if it really bothers people they'd change the name, but that's probably why it's only gay and lesbian, and not gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered, probably because its shorter... and if they did all the sexualities, they may as well do "straight" as well because if you're too technical with all the sexuality terminology, it makes it sound inferior. I don't know! I'm just saying what I think. I didn't even know it was another name at one point.

I've had other males butt into my personal business such as my own relationship. Whatever you do, don't ever take what they say seriousely. Some males (and even females towards other males on their relationships) tend to try to make you think you can do better-- better like THEM, and putting your boyfriend and relationship down over nothing. It's good to mention you have a boyfriend so that no guy will think they have a chance with you. But don't take to heart what they say unless you fully trust their opinion like they are actually good close friends and know the two of you.

My boyfriend can also only see me on weekends because of work-- but he doesn't hang out with his friends during the week instead of with me. He sees them after he sees me, if he's even going to see them at all, which like I said, he's only got time for a social life on weekends as well as a life with me. Maybe you could have your boyfriend see you on the days he'll see his friends? Can you go to him? I've got other questions... Does he always see his friends like this during the year and a half you've been together? Going away two weekends in a row? And what about his ex-girlfriend-- does he ignore her and not accept her invitations?

hehe yeah I started to wonder if maybe it gets to a point where it seems too "automatic." I just like to hear it only because I don't see my boyfriend often. Sometimes a day over the week, and always on the weekends. When he started to stop saying it, we saw eachother much more than this, but I think he is just uncomfortable still.. Not sure.

Some people really don't hear it at all? aggh I think I'd never be able to handle that. Yes, he is so genuine when he says it back. It's very sweet, but unfortunately I have to be the one to say it first. Sometimes I'll help him along and tell him "heey, I think it would be so sweet if you tell me you love me so much and more than anything" and he'll say it very genuinely. He's never been Mr. Romantic, which is fine. He kind of eased into not saying it on the phone. It was never sudden. If I don't say "I love you" to him for a while, he'll definitely say it over the phone, but if I say it even as little as 2 times over the week or two, he'll not say it... but if I repeat myself he'll say it. So I should probably not repeat myself heh.

I have been wanting to ask this for a while but I just never did. Okay, blah blah. Been with my boyfriend for many years now, over 5.5 But what's with saying "I love you, too" over the phone? He stopped doing that about 2 years ago, maybe slightly more. BUT, in person, he will say it and it is genuine, so all is well. Is it bad he doesn't say it over the phone? I have asked him why he doesn't and he says it just makes him feel weird. I'm happy he says it in person, but I am wanting to know why someone wouldn't say it when they're saying their goodbyes over the telephone. He says it sometimes, actually. But alot of the times he wont. I tell him I like it alot when he does, and I think that gets him to, but other than that he only says it in person. I guess I just like to hear it over the phone still, too. Anybody else not like to say it, or does your S.O. not say it back on the phone?

I have told him about it, but what I mean is that I don't pester him about it. I do fully trust him. Not too long ago I thought that if guys cheated, then HE could (such as reading on this forum of other people's S.O.s cheating)... and then through reading books on overthinking and also this forum, I finally realized that he is so trustworthy and that I have nothing to worry about because I finally started thinking about US and not other couples. It doesn't mean nothing bad could happen, but I know I can trust him as I've been with him for so many years (over 5.5)... he's never done anything at all that would make him untrustworthy and I just wish I realized that sooner. I did trust him, but after joining the forum I started to think anything could happen is what I'm trying to say. And that's basically me overthinking.. and being really reminded by last summer. I just can't get it out of my head sometimes. I feel a little better sometimes, but when it gets me down that's when there's a problem. I want to learn how to easily put things behind me and not dwell. I am a dweller and an overthinker I really should get help now but now that I am improving little by little I think that it would be a waste of money when I can just wait until September and get it for free. I feel like if I don't pester and pretend everything' s okay then I will be the only one affected.

There's nothing in my relationship that is bothering me except that I'm incredibly insecure. It leads to me overthinking everything and being paranoid over nothing at all. I feel that if I can imagine something, then since it's so vivid it can happen. Even being able to hear him in my head saying "it's over.." I can make myself hear it if I think about it too much. I think I have psychological problems and was trying to see a therapist.. but I started reading some books that were suggested to me and they are helping me so much that I'm trying to just stick it out until my semester starts so I can see the on-campus therapist. So far I'm just NOT letting my boyfriend know I feel this way so it does no damage, but everything's bothering me especially now that it's summer... it's making me think of bad memories.

I try so hard to think forward or to even just think of the present for what it is, but the weather is just making it feel like I'm back to last summer and it's such a scary feeling. I feel like if I aggravate him about something even little he'll dump me, even though I shouldn't worry about that at all. I just feel like everything is very fragile between us... even though like I said, we are so strong and happy now. My mind is just stuck in last summer

Last summer me and my boyfriend almost broke up. I don't want to go into details because they do not tie to anything that I post about in here (basically my fault, but not at all related to problems I have that I ask for advice on in here) Well, since the weather has gotten nice and hot out... it reminds me so much of the despair I felt. How I messed everything up. How he was out with his friends doing God-knows-what. (he never did anything bad, but those were the thoughts through my head last summer) But our relationship is at its STRONGEST now and was getting there after the hard time last summer was over (which makes me feel that it had to happen for a reason because our relationship just keeps getting stronger because our attitudes are different). We have rediculous ammounts of fun together-- all of that in which before last summer, things weren't always so wonderful. So yes, I do believe it happened for a reason, and the outcome was great now that we've been there. ...but I feel like when I'm not talking to him or with him, or when I'm going to sleep at night and my fan is blowing on me... when it's hot out and I'm inside... when I wake up in the morning and the sunlight is shining on me... it takes me back to last summer with all of that dispair and anguish and nervous feeling... even thought that's so far behind us. How can I shake this feeling? I'm thinking that after this summer, that next summer my memories will be replaced by the good ones of this summer. But how can I get rid of this anxiety from these bad memories? I know I wont get a miracle answer (or maybe I will) but I just want to shake this feeling so I can enjoy my 6th summer with him!

Personally, I think it's sketchy and I'd call it possible cheating. That's just how I personally feel about it. Obviousely if you're not doing anything wrong, then you're not cheating... but in my eyes I just see anyone doing that as being sketchy. It all comes down to what your boyfriend thinks of it, and what you think of it. If it's all alright there, than to you two it's fine. But somehow I can't see it as being okay in anybody-- again, that's just how I feel.

Try to even better accept that there's nothing you can do-- not to feel helpless, but that there's so little you can do that you may as well NOT even worry. Know what I mean? What you did with having naked pictures taken was supposed to be personal between you and your boyfriend at the time. They were EXCLUSIVELY just for the two of you-- so there's really nothing you did wrong. It's not like you had a boyfriend and you were messing with another guy and the other guy got the naked pics, you know? If he's showing people naked pictures of his EX GIRLFRIEND then he'll definitely get teased that he LOST you, and eventually stop-- or lose them/throw them away, whichever comes first. Maybe he already lost them, or forgot about them? But in any case, I don't think you should even mention the pictures or ask where they are as tempting as it may be, and maybe try to stay away from him even online so he'll forget about you and not be reminded of the naked pictures he may (or may not) have of you still. By the way, I think you will be most relieved when he gets a new girlfriend, because you know he wont want his next lady to see them! I'd say when he does, that's when you'll know you can relax most of all.

You have no idea how much relief you gave me by that comment- thank you so much. I don't know why I am this type of person-- I learn entirely the wrong way and compare my life too much which is how I get to thinking that things are going wrong when they are not. You are right about the quality of time rather than quantity-- and believe me when Iwas typing that out that we only spend 10 hours a week, I got really depressed wondering if that's a bad thing or not. We have the best time, and because he's so tired, we spend it here-- but I choose staying here over going out because it's just so much fun. We laugh, joke, watch TV, play video games, talk about our week-- the usual couple things I'm sure, but I feel like it's always special and I think he feels the same. We do go out, too, just so we're not stuck inside. Since we don't see eachother for too long then it's usually going out for nice drives, walks, catching a movie, shopping, and things that don't take too too long as he's got to get home and get rest. He definitely gives me the time, even during the week. Sometimes, maybe twice in the past month he's not gone to work and chose to stay home and rest. That was when I felt intensely that he "should see me" so I asked him "please come over, I want to see you." when before I would be "oh okay, rest up" and he actually drove all the way here all tired. I feel like such a jerk for that now as I think of it. But I guess it's good to look back on just to know that him being tired isn't anything personal with me because he actaully drove all the way here during rush hour so it took forever for the poor guy. This makes me appreciate our relationship so much. I would rather have a better life and be ready financially than to rush into marriage and not -really- be ready financially and having grown up a couple years in our 20's at the least. It sounds like he's interested in marriage at 25/26, and I'm thinking that's good because I'll be out of college for 2-3 years by then, my college bills will be payed off farily well by then if not all, and I will be settled into a career as well as him. I look around the boards so much-- and it's funny because last night I read a bunch of them about people breaking up because the girlfriend is too controlling (which is what I started to feel like). I'm just happy I made this post and read those.. I think I've saved our relationship just in the nick of time before I started to voice my feelings to him and then really mess things up. Because I have talked to him about it so much, but see, I finally stopped and we've put that in the past and can just forget about it. I was thinking of saying something to him tonight but I'm just so excited to NOT say anything, and just let him be (like saying "I was thinking, we only see eachother 10 hours a week!"). I know he'll appreciate it. Thanks so much for your comment back to me! -edit- that... is very long, I'm sorry >.