xmrth

I think that the best thing you can do for your friends is to first, do NOT tell them it's a bad idea-- you'll mess with their heads and you may ruin a relationship that may have actually worked. So what you should do is help them manage what they need to, such as money matters and things like that. Make sure they know exactly what they need to be on top of for it to work. So basically, help them to make it work.

I've always believed that the person you're dating is supposed to have the most fun with you. I can't say I know what made me think that, but I know it has something to do with the fact that dating is an exclusive relationship between only those two people. It hurts so bad that he may have MORE fun overall with his friends than with me... the few friends I have are always with their boyfriends whenever I'm wanting to hang out =\ So of course, that makes me so upset and wondering why my boyfriend is out with friends and not with me. Or just sitting home relaxing... Again, he spends a fine ammount of time with me, but even so, whenever he's doing something else that he doesn't HAVE to do (like hanging with friends or doing whatever else), then it hurts alot because he can come see me, but is busy doing whatever it is. I am always a wreck, and he is always so calm and fine. I don't know what to do anymore. Most likely this week I'll be talking to a therapist about my broblems because I'm back in school then. Is this even normal to bring up, or will they think this isn't even a problem? It's one of many, but I don't know if it's even something a therapist can help me with... or is it?

This post developes more as the pages go on. I was talking to my boyfriend tonight about this. It's not that he sees them so much more than me or anything-- he spends good enough time with me. But it seems as though he has so much more fun with friends than with me, and I also asked him straight out in which he said "yeah, I have alot of fun with them" and basically that they're just different than me. "You're my girlfriend" as he says, obviousely, but he says it like it's so much different. I have friends, but not close ones like he has. He has childhood friends... basically almost all of them are, so they're all really close. Hanging out all together isn't an option as I've said before, because they are definitely not my crowd of people, and are also much different than my boyfriend. Is it really bad that he has more fun with his friends...? (they are all male) Is it really just a different type of fun? I try to imagine what he might feel, and I can almost slightly understand, but I don't have much friends like him and am definitely not close to the few I have as he is with his own. I can't stand it because when he's with them, I just feel like he's having so much more fun than he does with me, and it hurts. I can understand needing fun time outside of the relationship, but it makes it even more hard to accept because I feel bad that he may have so much more fun with them than me... =\

Thanks for respsonses! I looked some up and I remember seeing those, but I never knew which way means what. I saw some really pretty ones in Google, too. About 4-5 years ago, he gave me a ring to "show to all my boyfriends" (as he called the guys who liked me-- this is way back at the beginning/middle of our highschool years) So I'm thinking I'll say to him "ohh, remember this ring? It was like a promise ring..." and it doesn't match the other jewelry I wear that he's given me, and it is also too big for my fingers now. I think I can inform him what the claddagh ring is, and just kind of leave it at that for a hint. I'd really love to have one to show the world I'm taken, and I would feel really good that he'd have given me it. Do the men wear one, too? Is this something I can give him in return? Like we could plan that this would be a gift for our anniversary, or X-Mas or something, and we could get eachother these rings..? I know I could look this part up, but I'm weondering also from what you see on other people as well as the facts on it.

You really can't expect him to be all "oh baby it's okay" and hold you and cradle you like a newborn baby. He may just not be able to understand what you're feeling. Remember that you're mourning in your own way-- not looking for attention from your boyfriend through it. As long as your boyfriend doesn't tell you in a mean way that it's not a big deal and to not cry, or that it's wrong to feel that way, or to be negative, then he's doing what he can for you and that's good. I'm sorry about your friend. That's so young to die of a heart attack... it's very scary.

Who are promise rings for? Are they for people in relationships where they first show they're commited, or are they for relationships where it's obviouse they're commited, but it's just for show of the commitment? I kind of want to ask my boyfriend that I think a promise ring would be cute... but wouldn't that be smothering and sounding too much like the marriage type of commitment? I already know he's commited, but I'd just like a promise ring where I can always look at it and I really believe it would help tide me over until it's a good time to get married. Good idea to ask/bad idea...? Or is this not even for my relationship and just some little thing new couples do?

Instead of being my usual obsessive and paranoid self-- I haven't called him at all since the last time we spoke-- Sunday. I didn't plan on calling him until Thursday or Friday, and he ended up calling me. I bet he wondered where his usual call was? I'm glad I didn't call him first for once. I bet it was good to give him some breathing room because I usually call alot. Anyways, I've got another week until I can officially be seeing a therapist about it, and until then I've gotten stronger and more determined to not be so obsessive and paranoid. It's not enough for things to magically be better, but I think it's definitely enough to tide me over and start right now, and not after I start seeing a therapist. I'm kind of nervous... I'm afraid they wont be good because they're my college therapist and I don't have to pay them, so maybe they wont be well trained and give me bad advice or not be helpful...

Yes, that post sounded a bit like my own situation. I think that if it were friends of his, it would be different, or at least if he was close to his cousin, which I don't think he sees her often, but I'm not sure. I understand it's their wedding, but I think I'm having a hard time understanding that it's possible that I actually wasn't invited. It's just that because he's already been invited to 2 of mine, and then the other thing which makes it difficult is a friend of mine where she's only been with her boyfriend for 2 months and doesn't even know the person getting married, yet she is invited... Makes me wonder too why his parents didn't suggest anything, or talk about me to bring me up more or anything... I just feel really really left out I suppose. It makes me feel like I'm not family, but I guess that doesn't mean that I'm not. I'm honestly trying to think to myself that maybe with me not there, he'll be at the wedding and maybe he'll like it and want to have his own wedding. hah. I seriousely wonder if he may feel that way.

I wasn't even going to bother asking but there goes my curiosity because now I'm thinking about it... My boyfriend's cousin is getting married. I think I've only met her once, and it wasn't really something like we were in the same room for a while to get accuainted or anything like that. Basically, I doubt either of us would recognize the other if we saw eachother again on the street. It's supposedly going to be a huge wedding out of state that she's having. Now, my boyfriend has been invited to 2 weddings in my family out of the 6 years we've been together. One of them was my cousin who, like me and my boyfriend's cousin, really wouldn't remember eachother if they saw eachother on the street. And both were small weddings. A friend of mine has only been dating her boyfriend for TWO months, and she is invited to a wedding on her boyfriend's side of a relative she's never met in her life... So that's really making me angry-- why am I, the girlfriend of 6 years, not invited to her boyfriend's cousin's wedding? I've at least met her once, as well. I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and he said I'm not invited. I asked if he'd seen the invitations, and he said he has. Is it true that usually there's the "name & guest" on invitations for weddings...? Am I the only person who's NOT been invited to a wedding on the S.O.'s side? I just feel like HOW could I not be invited... if I'm really not invited, then I wonder why I'm never spoken about in the family to at least bring more attention on our relationship... it's 6 whole years, even if they don't talk to this cousin much, it's still 6 years. And I believe I know the mother of the cousin as well, so I'd imagine that would help, but I guess not.

It's not really that, it's that I could have done something about it a million times before. It would be so much better for me to let go and let loose more and not worry so much over nothing. I have it so good that I've got nothing to worry about, yet I always need reassurence and all these things that I don't really need, but I guess I've gotten myself to think I need them. I know we'll be fine, but I don't want to blame myself for this bit of damage I've apparently caused. I know I've definitely caused damage, even to myself. Everything ties into this worrying behavior. I don't even know what to do but I've got to hang in there and stop thinking about everything for a minute.

I'm ruining my relationship.... I've had a million chances to stop acting obsessive and asking a million questions and everything like that. He's never thretened to break up, but he told me today for the first time that he needs time alone-- (but he was just talking about Sundays because it's his only day off, and I happened to have the day off as well for once) I know he feels it on other days probably, but he said nothing about that, just about today because I wanted to see him and he wanted time to relax and do his own thing. I asked if he was mad at me, and he sounded confused and said no, like I should know he's not mad, he's just telling me. I have to STOP with the questions, I have to stop asking him if he will give me a call, and I have to stop feeling like I've got to see him all of the time. It's so hard, though. I don't know what to do but I'm forcing myself to stop doing these things. I know they aren't healthy things to do in a relationship especially from reading other posts on here... and yet it's still so hard for me to get the picture. I don't know what to do except not call him until he calls me, which he said he'd call me and doesn't know why I had to ask him if he would call me, and not ask a million questions and not be annoying... I can't do this by myself but I really believe I've made it too hard for him to ever understand because I'm more recently realizing how bad I've been. I've known for a couple of months now, and I have improved, but I don't think it shows enough.

It sounds like you're just jealous of her having fun without you... like you have to be there or she can't have fun without it hurting you. Sometimes I feel that way about my boyfriend when he goes out and I'm not there for whatever reason. It makes me feel left out and like he's not supposed to have fun with anyone else but me-- but it's NOT the way to be. I just hold it in and don't mention it, but of course you want to get rid of the feeling all together... It has alot to do with knowing you can't be the center of their whole life and attention and that they will have fun without you sometimes, basically.

agh, I didn't get a chance to read this beforehand-- but I did tell him just that as you said, to say that I realize I have a problem and that I'm working to fix it. At first tonight, he didn't understand how I can be the way I am... he just didn't understand at all and didn't understand what the problem is and why I can't just not act that way. And then later when he had to leave I really couldn't take it anymore and I mentioned it again, and I couldn't keep it in and I cried over it a little (me crying is nothing new, so it wasn't like this big dramatic thing), and I just said "I have a problem, give me advice", and he actually talked to me like he was really understanding, and he reassured me. I'm so thankful I'm going to school again very soon and can talk to a therapist finally. I don't know where to begin... I hope I can just have them ask me questions so I can get everything out in moderation. Because like I said, it was in other areas outside of me and him entirely, but the big issues are still about us. ughhh... I know I can feel better because I know I have nothing to worry about with him. I know that's all I need. I just really need to learn how to use that in my own head and get myself to understand. I didn't tell him I was going to talk to someone-- but I have told him that in the past about when I go back to school. I don't plan to tell him until maybe in the future. Another thing I told him is that I try to not ask a million questions and everything else, but I feel like he wont notice for a long time if I stop so I keep doing it. So I said "this time I'm telling you about it that I'm going to control myself" in which it's partially true, but I really hope he understands I know I'm being annoying and that I'm working to fix it. I feel really good right now and relieved... but really, it's only going to last a short while and then I'll go back to being upset again. ((I'm so sorry everything I say is so long!! I just like to give all the information I think would be needed for help in the forum.))

Do you suppose there's anything I should say to my boyfriend about this? I don't want him to think I've got this huge mess of problems or anything like that, but I want him to understand I know how annoying I'm being.

It used to affect other things as well outside of the relationship, all which were obsessions and overthinking. I read through 2 books on it, and it helped in those areas, but with my relationship the worries won't go away.

If I really sit down and think about it, I can find everything that I should be thinking about and try to realize that it's nothing to worry about, but I still worry so much he's not going to come or he's not going to call. I'm really only afraid of him leaving me because of me acting this way, so I try my best to not act this way, but I can't stop. It's almost like it cycles around and around and whatever I try to do brings me back to getting like this. I try to think about how it would be okay if he got tied up and didn't call, or got tired and didn't come over. Every reason he has for not calling and not coming over is good enough of a reason due to how busy he is, etc. It doesn't happen all the time at all, but it does every now and again. Now I feel like he may not come over because I got to asking too much, because he said he'd decide later on, then he said he would, and it went back and forth and I'm so uncertain. It's usually how it ends up. I'm going to see a therapist at my college next week. I'm hoping they can teach me how to change my way of thinking or something like that.

I've developed this really desperate need to have constant reassurence that my boyfriend will call me later, or that we're really meeting up later one day or any day. I think the need just sort of developed. He doesn't give me a reason to question whether or not he will-- I just feel like the plans are never definite, even though they are more often than not. I'm having to ask him 100 times over and over "are you calling later? what time? when are you coming over? tonight, right? what time?" like i've just got to know every detail because there's no set time most of the time, it just happens. I get him so aggravated that I can't get answers out of him, which is understandable because he has already told me he was going to, as well as how aggravating I am with the 100 questions. I find myself calling him up for stupid reasons JUST to say "I'll see you later on, right?" like I've got to make sure one last time I'm going to. What can I do? I'm going to keep myself from calling him because he said he'd come over... it's just that for instance, we went away together and I feel like he's not going to want to see me, even though he said he would. I just feel like he'll want to do something else, and again, there's no reason behind me feeling that way. I just do. I don't know what to do but this turned into a SERIOUS problem really really quickly. It's eating away at me. Instead of enjoying the day while he goes and runs some errands and relaxes, I can't do anything or relax because I'm so worked up and frustrated and nervous. I am sick of being so obsessed like this. What am I supposed to do with myself, my life is just crap when I'm like this.

definitely towards the debts because that will be so close to finally DONE with for you, you know? You won't have it hanging over your head for much longer.

schatzieK, how were you with your boyfriend-- were you really extreme? Or did you just want to see him alot and he just broke it off with you? Did he come out of nowhere and break up with you, or was it directly during the issue? I'm kind of like that with just wanting to see him alot and wanting to be the person he sees if he will see anyone. I've stopped making a fuss, but soemtimes I still tell him I want to see him when he just wants to stay home and relax and sometimes it's hard to understand that. I think it takes alot of time for a girl to understand... I'm still trying to. Anyways, I think it really does take time for a person to understand... no matter how many times it's said, it can take your girlfriend a long time to fully understand. Myabe you can compromise in some way?

I admit that I'm getting a little nervous... I just don't want people to be mean to me and be like "ohh she's selling out" or "maybe she was never like that" Not caring what people think is one thing, but I don't want to have people who don't like me or say things about me. I'm not sure what to say when I'm asked why the sudden change. I'm literally going to be wearing bluejeans, strappy heels, and a nice top until it gets cold out, and that's ONE-EIGHTY right there. I already explained what I used to wear in the original post. It's stupid to care, but I think I really do. I mean, I have to go to school with these people for another 2.5 years so I don't want people to think less of me. I feel stupid writing this-- REALLY stupid, but this is how I feel. I'm hoping maybe someone knows what I'm feeling. I really feel stupid but I am nervous... I just don't know what reaction I'll get. It's such a small college, and like I said, everyone knows me. I am kind of excited to go back... but mostly nervous because I just want to be left alone! haha

I think that after 3 months (of really not knowing what the cause of missing it could be) that is when it is a good idea to see a doctor. I'm not 100%, but I could have sworn I've read that somewhere reliable. In any case, after missing it a few times, that is when you might worry, but for now I'd just relax, but be prepared for it to come unexpededly.

Well, first off, are you eating well? I believe it's just over 2,000 calories a day for females to be a healthy ammount. Depending on your height and weight, along with your age, you can determine your BMI and healthy weight range to find out where you stand. On top of that, it's never a bad idea to see your doctor. Do you go yearly?

I'm so happy I could-- I didn't think I could hold it together without being emotional or straight up asking him "why can't I go??" like I have been doing. I think the conversation seriousely made him more at ease to talk to me about things because for once, I wasn't emotional or anything like I usually am. That's another thing, too is being guilty by association. I would never want any of that in our house when we live together. I know he wouldn't either, I just hope they wont even so much as bring anything in their pockets for example. He may not even be friends with them anymore by that time, except for maybe one or two of his friends-- the one that isn't so bad, and one other who he's known for years may still be in the picture.

spiderman_56, that sounds very much like my situation. I talked to my boyfriend about it this weekend... We talked for a while; it was a great conversation. Instead of straight out asking him about it AGAIN, I just kind of "brought it up" very lightly into the conversation, almost like I didn't intend on talking about it but it just kind of happened, and he seemed alot more less attacked and talked to me about everything... every single one of my questions was answered, even things unrelated to this and I am so happy. He explained to me how "they aren't my crowd" and he couldn't understand why I'd ever want to be around them. He said it almost like I "should know" but I really didn't know what he meant. He explained how they act (really rowdy, which I already knew from him telling me), and also explained that they do drugs and that's when he usually leaves... which answers my question as to why he sometimes only goes over his friend's house for maybe 15-45 minutes-- because he stops in to say hi, and then usually leaves when they break out the coke and all of that. My boyfriend has no intentions of doing drugs because back before we even started dating, he'd already tried many of them, and while we were dating in the first several months he did weed. Then he stopped because he just didn't want to do it anymore. I have no doubts that he'd never do it again, so that's not even an issue in the least bit. So he doesn't do drugs, just drinks socially, and I even found out he limits himself, which is great. He's just... not at all like his friends. He's a million times more mature, he's going somewhere in life, he's just.. not like them, which made it hard to understand at first. So I wondered why would he even hang around with people like that? He explained more about how close of friends he is with some of them, and they're alright until they start doing the drugs. And he also explained several friends he stopped being friends with because of drugs and things such as that. Basically people who weren't really as worth it as his current friends, which now I understand more. And I also understand he does have the power in him to drop a close friend if needed. He said he didn't want me around all of the drugs and he'd be afraid of me getting sucked into it. It's the one and only thing he's ever told me he's afraid of. He's not afraid of me doing anything and has never told me I couldn't do something besides this, so it helps me to understand where he's coming from. He told me about one friend who he might take me around because he's not so bad when his girlfriend isn't around.. who does drugs as well. He also explained that there are only guys there, which I knew, but if there's ever a girl, it's a girlfriend or it's a "f*ck friend"... and he said "you know what type of people they are..." so it's not someone I want to get to know anyways, and he himself doesn't either so he usually leaves... another thing he hates is being around his buddie's gf's/ff's, but they're never around anyways so again, it's just all guys. There was alot more to this, but it would take forever to include everything. Basically I found out even more that I haven't a thing to worry about... the conversation just answered so many questions. I'm glad I didn't approach him the way I usually do. I actually read in a relationship newsletter thing I get on how to get a man to not shut down and actually be open to talk to you, and it worked.

I can't say that I have never... I do frequently, but try to realize that wanting suicide/death is being confused with wanting happiness. I think people aim for the wrong things-- they want death, but what they really want is happiness. It's hard to think that way, though. I get alot of heart palpitations and when they get really crazy I always think that I'll just die, and that's when I hate myself for ever wanting to die in the first place because I start to think I'm really going to, and really just do not want to. I've read that when a person is just about to kill themself (just before they die, say when you bleed to death, or take something lethal, etc), they desperately want to live, and I believe that's true.