suebob1

well i found out last night that the'honeymoon' period is over for bob and this girl, he finally admitted it to his mum. His mum thinks that me backing off latley may have something to do with it, i do too possibly as i now wait for him to contact me, and he has been for things such as when is his nieces bdays,etc.in a way i feel sorry for this girl as she is now where i was back in august/november time thinking that there was nothing wrong when all the time bob was having doubts, well there relationship didnt last long did it, to start with it had been built on lies. So now it is even more true than ever that he is only there for convenience sake!! something has obviously made him think, he has told his mum he cannot predict the future about us as she keeps saying she hopes we will get back together, he says we need to be friends before anything else. i really dont know what he is going to do now surely he cant stay there any longer now that he has finally admitted to his mum that the honeymoon period is over, before he kept saying he didnt know what he wanted aprt from he could not see a furture with her. he is still not done anything bout our house either, even though he knows i cannot complete till he does? things with me and the new guy are ok, i dont think either of us wants anything out of it, i still cant help feeling guilty as i still do love bob very much, i do like this other guy dont get me wrong but it is nothing serious. as for bob i really dont know what will happen i just wish he would do something about the house whenever i ask him about it he doesnt reply, by the way i only drop it in when he has initiated contact.when he asks how i am i dont tell him either way why should i let him know. we were supposed to be going away this weekend and again he would have been going along asthe others invited him really cant understand him. he has done nothing but lie to this girl from day one.the old bob is there somewhere i just wish i knew what had made him decide that the honeymoon period is over, apparently she is still besotted with him!! as for me i wil continue to have fun and see what happens but i aint chasing anymore just wish i had been stronger sooner. wheni said to his mum i think he will be hurt after this she said she didnt think so as he has just used her for convenience, there relationship was completely different to ours, i always said she may look like me but she will never be me. thanks for listening.xx

well i finally did i pulled, it is a guy i have been friendly with for a while since bob left but i have never taken it any further, i funally took the plunge. the funny thing is i now feel guilty i feel as though i have cheated on bob, why?? i dont think things will get serious with this guy but it is fun who knows, i still love bob so it wouldnt be fare on the other guy anyway. well i hadnt heard from bob since last monday and i did my best not to contact him, i got a text from him on saturday asking if i was ok, i didnt let him know if i am or am not, i just said i was keeping busy, he then sent a reply saying he had missed my texts even though when i had been texting him i went on all the time!! i just told him i hoped he was having fun and he just replied getting drunk guess having fun with soemone by my side as oppposed to being on my own! this was his way of having a dig, his mum seems to think he will be back soon i cannot let myself think this. He still hasnt filled in forms for his new mortgage and i am going to see my solicitor this week so i will need to contact bob to find out what he is doing, until this i am still not contacting him he can get in touch with me.

Thanks Mun and Hope yet again. I suppose yes i am waiting to see just how much things will change mun once he is back in his own place. Do you think he will change, as he is still using the excuse he is only with her and living with and as close as he is with her because of me, well once he is back in his own home he cannot use me as an excuse.I was talking to his mum and step dad yesterday and they say he still wants me but he has got himself in a situation he doesnt k ow how to get out of with her, ie living with her,as he is living with her he goes along with things but once in his own home he can do what he wants when he wants. The problem i am having ith him at the moment is finalising everything.The house maybe in his name but i am entitled to so much of the equity which i am relying on to complete my purchase, he just seems to delay everything for example he signed forms for another mortgage deal in order fpr him to release the equity and that should have been completing very soon but now he has turned and said he is going to do another deal,the papers for this deal have beeen sat at the house for 2 weeks and he hasnt even started the new deal.His parents say he is just delaying things, also he has said that when i get my equity he will then have a share in my house, i dont think so, i am just waiting to see if he mentions this again,again people say it is because he doesnt want to lose the connection with me, well tough. Now i have said i cannot be his friend whilst he is with her i just cannot, so i suppose yes i am waiting to see what happens when he moves back he has already said to me and his mum, and he wouldnt lie to his mum, that he will not be moving her in, he is not committed to her!Once i move out it will be upto him to fight for my friendship but whilst he is with her i dont want to know. I am goign away next weekend with group of friends and he has been invited should be interesting to see if he comes along which i think he will.I have now told him i cannot be friends whilst he is with her and he says yes cos i am the one who cannot cope with it?? yet he still wants to remain friends. I just cannot get my head round how he can just shut me out the way he does but again i think this is maybe because he is living with her and she is unaware of our friendship i think she just thinks he only contacts me occssionaly not goes away etc, this may or may not change when he moves away from her??? thanks again for your input xx

thanks all for your replies yet again. I know i need to be strong i really dont know why i love him so much still, i really want to cut the friendship but i dont if you no what i am saying. all i keep thinking about is that she doesnt have the person i have known for all these years, he is just so selfish at the moment he is out for number one. He still says he is only there with her because of me throwing him out, what would she think if she knew what he was saying. He just keeps saying we need to be friends before we can be anything else, i cannot be friends with him whilst he is with her as i cant cope with it, he agress so when i said so now you are saying you dont wnat to be friends whilst you are with her he says no but ist me who cant cope??? he says i want more than friends which is true, he says we cant have that until we have the friendship. I understand what he uis syaing kind of but then i think well how can we be friends if he is with her and how can a friendship lead to anything if he is stil with her, is he going to do the dirty on her to be with me, cos i dont want that on my conscience. i suppose i am frightened of cutting the friendship with him in case he never gets in touch with me again etc. what do you guys think and yes i jnow he is a lying cheating thing but i still do love him and i do believe that if he did come back to me it would be for good. Everyone still keeps saying things will change with her once he moves back to his house what do you think? this is all based on him saying he is only there because i threw him out as they say he would have continued to only see her once or twice a week rather being thrown into living with her and seeing ehr everyday and eventually it would have fizzled out??? i still think once he moves into our old house it will be her he will miss as he has spent the last 6 month with her, but others say that it will be me as all the things in the house the memories and the decor will all be me and it was our home, and he spent 8 years with me. i beg to differ, what do you think thanks again ,one day i will stop ranting on here.xx

thank you both hope and mun for your support yet again. i told him the other day that i was going to take the watch and have the engraving filled in, the reply i got from him was 'dont be silly i told you not to do that', why what does it matter to him? you are right mun i know she doesnt know how involved i still am in his life but at the end of the day it is him that still comes round when i am in when i have specifically told him not to and it is him who comes away with me but tells her different, i simply think he is where he is for pure convenience and she doesnt know it at least i know where he is and he doesnt tell me lies anymore, it just hurt though when he said he couldnt wear the watch as things are? i just cannot get my head around why now will be any different to later reagrdless of the words, but it is like you say mun, this is shown cos he doesnt take anything from the house that i buy him and i have said it before it is simply because she doesnt know i still buy for him or that he is at the house. If i was her i would not put up with him still beong so close to his ex would you? i am hoping to move out in the next three weeks, part of me is excited but part of me is scared i dont want to lose him for good but is simply too hard to be friends with him, people seem to think once he mobves back into his own house he wont see her as much cos he wont be obliged to as he is in his own house nwo and can do what he wants when he wants.i just hate the way after 8 years if being with him he can simply just shut me out so easily, how can you do that? i mean if i send him a text for whatever reason at the weekend he doesnt reply yet if it when he is at work he will, again when he is with her he ignores me another sign that she doesnt accept our friendship or he doesnt tell her full facts, i think she must know deep down that if he did what he did to me after 8 years with her then he can do the same to her at anytime but at he moment she wont want to rock the boat and is just grateful for what she has, still dont know why she is jealous of me, he says it is because i had 8 years with him, now at the end of the day it is her he goes home to not me!! thanks again for your insight,hope you are both ok.

well its me again, things still moving on with us as friends!! eg: he is still coming round on his regular visits and i am still sorting out my own house. Well it was his 30th birthday yesterday and as a gift(i bought it weeks ago) i bought him a new watch and just had it engraved 'loving you now and always', when i eft it for him as he came the other night whilst i was out i had a text from him saying" thanks for the watch, it was lovely but you know i cant wear it as things are" so when i said well it is only a gift from a friend like everything else,it hought she accepted our friendship, i then got a reply which said"she does accept our friendship i am not saying i wont wear it just not yet" what the hell is this suppose to mean, what is the difference between him wearing it now or later? when i asked him when he came round last night as it was his brthday and he just avoided the issue.i have a few texts from him just saying it was nice to see me on his birthday and that he just wishes we did not go about stuff we do. eg me going on about her!! i just dont understand what he was meaning regarding the watch why is now any different to later?? thanks again for reading

so we went away this weekend to my friends 30th(who he has never met) whilst we were travelling i asked him about his situation with the other girl, i asked if he had told he was going to be moving out soon and he said no not yet? i really do not understand him what is he playing at, neither her nor her parents seem to be interested in what he is doing either, it seems to me he is simply going to just move out? anyhow whilst we were away he got very friendly again, again shows what he must think of her(me as well i suppose?) but at the end of the day it wouldnt be me he is doing the dirty on now would it? we had a chat regarding him buying me out of our house(not ours on paper but i am still entitled to equity) he turned round and said that when he releases my share of the equity i have to sign to agree to him having a share in my new house, i would also still have a share in our old house(if and when either house was sold one of us would share the equity with the other) i told him that i didnt agree and said that i wanted a clean break and for there to be no connection between us. i really dont understand why he is doing this do any of you, i thought maybe a financial point of view?? i spoke to his mother about it and she said that as soon as i move out of our house things between him and the other girl will drift off and that the reason he is doing what he is doing regarding the equity is because he does nt want to break the connection with me at all. this is not my bob he is a different person he also said i was a changed person as he said he hadnt seen me as settled, meaning i had now become part of the community however it is his group of friends that i am with? i really dont understand what he is doing he says he will visit me at my new house etc, anyone any ideas what is going on??? thanks for listening againx

i kno i know i have gone on. he came round again last night and we had another chat, he says they are just friends, i sadi you dont live with her and tell her you love her if you are just friends!! he said that he is only there cos of me throwing him out, and that they are only words. when i said that he think when it comes to it and you walk away from her he will find it harder to do so than he did me he said i was stupid and that him leaving me was the hardest thing he ever did, he says we need to build up friendship and trust again and he says that he doesnt believe that i will/can trust him after what he has done and we need to build on that if anything is to happen. He says that he will not move her in, he doesnt think she would anyway but he says he would not want to put me into that situation (meaning my feelings etc) but also he wouldnt want to put her there either. He says what they have is miles apart from what we had, she makes him happy but predominantly because they do things together. Just because he is with her doesnt mean he has regrets is what he said, he still cant see it going anywhere with her.He says it will hurt him very much when he sees me wth someonelse, i have left it now and jsut told him how i feel about kids etc and that there is nothing i can do to bring him back. He still says if i had just left him alone when he asked he probably would have come back, instaed i pushed him further away cos he said when i wasnt going on he did miss me and think about me. I dont know we shall just have to see when he move back what happens but i soon think he will get fed up of having to come home then go to hers all the time i think he will spend less and less time with her, but at the end of the day he isnt with me either.

thank you all yet again for your support. i do take part of the blame for this situation that we got into of course i do it is never just one sided, he has said he is sorry for what has happened an he wishes it hadnt. It did and now it has to be dealt with which is why i am moving out, he sent me a text yesterday saying that he is not pushing me out, i know this it is my choice to leave,and that the only reason things have moved on is because i could not cope with each stage. You see right through all of this he has always said taht we need to be friends again before we can be anything else!!! i want to be his friend but like many of you have said it is hard knowing that he is with her, i do honestly believe he is only living there because he has no where else to go and he is stuck in a rutt, especially because of what he said to his mum 'even though he is living with her an her parents now he would not live with her once i have moved out'. he says i have been impatient throughout all of this, the thing that hurts is knowing that he is telling her he loves her, people say he is only saying that because fo the situation he is in,in other words he cant rock the boat as he will have no where else to stay. i do still really love him and he must love me because of what he said about children etc, but i dont know if we ever got back together whether i would be able to trust him again. I just dont understand why he is still willing to go away on trips with me etc when he should be spending time with her. when he moves back to his house i think things will start to change between them cos he will not be tied. I am looking forward to moving into my own house, well part of me is but i am also scared but then i am on my own in his house at the moment anyway, i know he wont bring her into the area not even for a visit, she doesnt even know where he lives and she doesnt ask questions i think she is just grateful for what she has got as she has said that she is jealous of me for having 8 years with him i dont think she will get that form him. i bet the day i threw him out made her day. thanks again for your support.

update..... hi all just thought i would inform you of my ongoing saga- well i am still pushing ahead with my new move and am looking forward to it in a way! well he came round twice last week upon his return from his hols, he came for an hour on the tuesday ad gave me a long hug before he left then he also turned up on the thursday. well he has strated to turn up on thurdays and stay at the house??? i was working till 11.30pm and he went down to our local, when i got back he was in the house, we sat and we were talking in general when i was talking about our friends getting married and that as of this thursady we would have been together for 9years, he then piped up "yes longer than most marriages last", i asked that if we hadnt messed up did he think we would have gotten married, he replied that it was that that had forced him to think about us and the way that things were going (me becoming withdrawn).he said that he would never want to get married if he thought he would have to walk away from it at any point. anyway after he had waffled he then said about having children and that he was glad that we hadnt got any as it would have been twice as hard, then he shocked me and actually made me cry, he said that out of anyone he had been with and is likely to be with i would be theonly one he had ever considered having children with. i asked why he had said that and he said cos thats the way he felt, i said it was very nice but too late and that i had lost him for good, he said i was being naieve for saying that. when i asked him if he was only where he was cos i threw him out he said you know i am, he said that he wishes i had been the way i have been for the last month and half when it all started and it would never have gotten this bad(i think he means cos i have backed off from him a little and now i have taken the control away from him and he has realised i am not waiting around for him), he said she only means what she means to him now because fo the way i have been(i have pushed him closer to her cos i pushed him further away from me). i am just shocked he came out with what he did, when i asked him if he thought all this was waste of time(me moving etc) he said he didnt know??? I spoke to his mum the following day and she said he had spoken to her about when i move out and he had said it didnt feel right him living with her and her parents then moving back to our house on his own but he didnt want her to move in with him. his mum just told him he needed to move in on his own for a few months and see how he feels then.his mum seems to think that we will get back together and if we do we will be happier than ever, dont get me wrong i want that nwo and again but i will always be wondering what she reakly meant to him and whether he is missing her etc. sorry for this being sooooo long thanks xx

well i am the old me who i used to be before i became withdrawn, i have just heard back from him regarding grass being greener and he has said 'it is different he feels as though he has a life and is working to live rather than the other way round, he says he wishes we had done that or didnt stop doing that'????? i have really upset him by changing too late

Hi DN i can see where you are going with this, i would just get on with it i would have to which is what i am trying to do now. he now says to me that any changes that i have made are like a slap in the face to him as i never chnaged when he asked me to . i have just said i have changed for us both i couldnt stay how i got that caused him to leave me, but now it seems it annoys him cos i ahev made these changes. I asked him if the grass was greener on the other side and he wouldnt answer he just said why would i ask that, i really dont think it is greener, once he returns to his own house he will change, he has said it will be strange seeing me out as it will be like a completely different person, dont know if that will be good or bad for us?? I suppose it does come accross as being selfish regarding me changing, i havent changed i am just the old me before i stopped going out etc. i suppose i will never give up complete hope, maybe deep down i am hoping that if he does return to our old house and he sees me out he will realise that i am the old me and that he wants to be with me but i also have to keep in mind that it may not happen.

thanks again hope for your replies, i know i seem as though i am not listening, i am though. I know he is a t*a* but i just cannot stop loving him like that, i will never give up hope on him but at the same time i will not stop my own life. i definitely things will start to change if/when he moves back to our house as i/others think at the moment things between them will be all sweetness and light cos at the minute he is living in her house with her parents(i think) and he will have to be nice not all relationships have no arguing do they? dont know if i have mentioned but he is coming away with me for a weekend in october,very stramge it all happened because my friend is turning 30, he has never met her but he is still comig along with me why? I think once he returns to the old house and sees me out and about again he will see that i am the old me the one he was in love with, i hope he says i am impatient i am really dreading xmas coming up we havent been apart for xmas for the last 8 years. My friends keep telling me that even though he seems to be dealing with this ok as he is with someone else it is only easier for him as he is away from me and things that remind him of me, at the ned of the day if he comes back to the old house etc it will be just as hard for him to see me as it will be for me to see him??u think?? i just want him back i dont know why i just do well i do its cos i love him and i cannot blame him for finding someone else who would give him the affection that he lost from me, now he has lost control as he was quite happy for me to stay in our house,dont know why he want that when he is living with her and her parents i stil think it is so he is not shwoing too much commitment to her, i want to be happy for him but i really cant, i suppose i am jealous is this normal as she is apparently jealous of me as i had 8 years with him! at the end of the day she has got the man that everything he wears or has is something that i have chosen or bought for him he still has limited things with him he is not the true person so really she doesnt really know him yet, he hasnt moved in with her like he did with me, he like someone who is living out of a suitcase he just has the bare essentials with him and at the same time still supporting his ex? does she not think this is strange, i think she is just grateful for what she has with him athe moment like i said time will tell when he /if he moves back, i honestly think if he does move back that by us being in separate houses but in the same area we may satart to spend more time with each other again, as now if had the chance have to start from scratch kind of, do you know what i mean? we will always be more than just friends and if we got back together we would never be the same but we would have learnt from it. thanskagain for putting up with me and i am sorry for ranting on.

this sounds like my ex(except he is with someone else now) he says me going on at him all the time is just proof that i havr not changed eg: i didnt listen to him when he said we were having problems, i think he is waiting for me to prove i have changed before he comes back if he comes back(my post on this is very long). with regards to not being in love with your ex do you still love them? what is the difference my ex says he still loves me and has never said he has stopped loving me but he is just not in love with me?

i know i know i am really sorry i do need to wake up but deep in my heart i think we will be back together not soon but eventually, i have changed i am the person i used to be and that is why he is saying it is like a slap in the face to him because i should never have got into the mess that i did, i took him for granted i thought we would be together for ever. At the end of the day when i move out it will be him that will have to fight for the friendship he is the one who says if we cant be friends then we cannot be anything else. i do really believe that he will move back without her as at the end of the day when/if it dies off with her he can just walk away as she doesnt know where he lives or anything, i know it is none of my business and part of me doesnt want to accept we are not together when i lost him i lost my best friend and my lover i just wish we could turn back the clock. People have said that if and when he comes back to the house he will realise that i have changed,even though i am moving i am still living in the same area as him so if/when he slides back into his old life he will see me and how i am the old me not the one he fell out of love with. Like i have said part of me is excited about going but part of me is scared as there is no going back and i suppose i am scared of what i may see but that is something i will have to deal with and vice versa.