Pregnant daughter desires financial help

[Sweet Sue 17]

Hello folks......my adult daughter, 36 is 2 months pregnant with her second child. She is engaged, but her fiancee' is not happy about being a father again. He has two children from a previous marriage. He works as a welder/construction worker and his income is around $30,000 a year. He supports himself, his two young daughters, but lives with my daughter and my ex-husband. My daughter just graduated college (very proud of this accomplishment), but has not looked very hard for a job as she wanted to take the summer off to spend time with her 8 year old son, (my grandson). She also just found out in April that she is a diabetic 1 and also has several other health issues.

The pregnancy was a complete surprise to both of them and he became quite angry about it. I think he is getting used to the idea now, but I don't know. She is on Medicaid so she will receive free medical care the entire term of pregnancy.

There's so much on my mind that trouble me and I don't know where to turn. I have not told anyone, not even family members that she is pregnant and she has not gone public with it either.

I worry about her health and she is a high risk patient. She is in good hands and has a very competent physician. I think she will be fine. They are keeping a close eye on her. This brings me to another issue I am having with them...she is sending me a list of very expensive big ticket items that she would like for me to buy for them. One is a breast pump and one is a crib (both items are new). Breasts pumps are not cheap. The crib is nice, but a little out of my comfort zone. She is going to send me more big ticket items to review. I suggested she borrow from a friend or get a used one. (That didn't go over very well).

To be honest, I cannot afford this. As much as I would love to help her get the items she would like, I feel compelled to say something, but I don't know what!

When she told me she was pregnant, one of the first things that went through my mind was....but YOU don't have a job! Who's going to pay for this? There's a part of me that's would like to play tough love and say to her..."you and your fiancee' created a baby. Therefore as adults, you need to figure out a way to pay for it". Part of playing house together means taking responsibility for whatever bills you incur. It is not my place or your father's place, or your fiancee's parents place to finance YOUR pregnancy."

She seems to dismiss the job situation.

 

Please advise, thanks guys!

[boltnrun 1,217]

I would tell her you will buy one big ticket item (example, crib) and that's it because that's all you can afford. Make it VERY clear it will only be that one item. If she attempts to hit you up again or play the guilt card, remind her that you agreed to just that one large item.

 

If you want, maybe set up a recurring smaller expense (like diapers) that delivers monthly because you can get better prices for a recurring order. But that's it...anything else should be the responsibility of the parents.

 

And unless there was a failure of consistent, regular birth control there's no way that two people having sex can be surprised when a pregnancy results. If the man didn't want more kids he could have gotten a vasectomy.

[Honeycomb8 159]

...She's 36. You're NOT going to financially support her. She needs to sort out her life herself.

 

It's not your job and it's HER responsibility to be more careful with her life.

 

You can give a gift of certain price, but that's it. You're not an atm. At 35, my dad who used to be quite a high up engineer had two menial jobs and worked 70+ hours a week to support us. Simply cos the first few years of migration was tough. He didn't rely on anyone.

 

My parents are now financially comfortable but no way in hell would I ever ask for financial assistance. The fact she had the thick skin to ask.

 

Don't be guilt tripped.

[ButterflyWrists 154]

My mum told me the second she find out I'm pregnant, that she's not buying anything for baby. She's paying for an osteopath for me, but she was going to do that regardless.

And I'm not mad, it's my and my fiancee baby. Mind you we're also ok getting most things, bar bottles and car seat second hand.

The fact she, at 36 expects you to buy stuff for baby astounds me. Mind you, if she lives with her dad, she's probably used to being spoilt.. No offence.

 

You do what you're comfortable with not what anyone demands.

[sophie274 297]

I would just be very direct that you are happy to help her make a shopping list/list of needed items, happy to help her search on sites like offerup, Facebook marketplace, Craigslist etc for deals, but that you cannot afford to purchase any expensive items for baby. I think clear communication is best to avoid any misunderstandings.

 

Luckily, the “must haves” for baby can be procured cheaply, and there are many very good quality secondhand items available on those sites I mentioned. Her insurance will provide a breast pump for her so there should be no need to her to purchase one herself; she can call and ask about how to start the process once she is further along. She may also be eligible for certain services like WIC and other resources based on her income/situation. You might offer to help her investigate what she’s eligible for and make appointments to get plugged into the system, if that’s something you’re up for. Ultimately, you’re certainly not responsible for paying for the cost of raising baby, but there are many ways you can lend her support that do not cost money (only time, which is sometimes also in short supply I know!)

[Sweet Sue 17]

Honeycomb8.....I totally agree with you. I haven't said much so far. This is her third pregnancy. All of them were the result of a birth control

malfunction....so she said. In December, she became pregnant and in the middle of the night, she started having cramping and bleeding. Do you

know what her fiancee did? He was already mad at her for getting pregnant, so he allowed her to drive herself to the ER at 2 am, by herself.

I said to her, "so he didn't drive you to the ER?" she said, "No, he was still mad at me." I said, "Well if that had been me, I would have told him that

by the time I get back home, you better have all your things packed up, loaded in your truck, leave the key on the table and be gone." She and her dad

are gracious to let him and his girls live there (not sure if they help with expenses), and he decided that night that even though he was mad, he couldn't put

that aside to get her to the ER. She made it there, and sat there...alone for 4 hours. She had a miscarriage. She makes excuses for his behavior all the time.

 

I won't let her do that. She knows I can't afford to and maybe under different circumstances, I might be more willing to do more. But right now, I just can't.

[Sweet Sue 17]

sophie274....Medicaid pays for breast pumps? I will let her know that! What is WIC? I don't live near her. I am over 3 hours away.

[sophie274 297]

Yes, most Medicaid plans should cover it. She can call and ask to make sure.

WIC is the women/infants/children program. It will give some money towards certain staples for pregnant women and moms of young children. There are many resources out there for low income families but sometimes it’s a matter of finding them. I’ve heard that WIC offices can help connect women with resources. She can go online and take an eligibility questionnaire to see if she is eligible, and if so make an appointment with her local office.

[SherrySher 881]

.but YOU don't have a job! Who's going to pay for this? There's a part of me that's would like to play tough love and say to her..."you and your fiancee' created a baby. Therefore as adults, you need to figure out a way to pay for it". Part of playing house together means taking responsibility for whatever bills you incur. It is not my place or your father's place, or your fiancee's parents place to finance YOUR pregnancy."

She seems to dismiss the job situation.

 

This is precisely what you should have said. YOU are the parent here. If you want your grown child to learn responsibility, you have to teach it and follow it through.

 

As for the big ticketed items...hell no! You are already doing enough. Find a used crib and work out what to do about the breast pump.

She has no right to be demanding this from you.

I can see her come back being something along the lines of..."but this is your grandchild!" etc. No,,,big ticketed items does not equal love.

 

She needs to stop mooching and start learning responsibility.

 

Speaking of which, if they had used a condom and/or pill, none of this would be happening.

[Wiseman2 2,294]

Don't send nasty moralizing things like this, you'll regret it. Your disapproval and spewing hate won't help anyone. Simply tell her you'll get [one item] and leave it.

He supports himself, his two young daughters, but lives with my daughter and my ex-husband.

 

 

..."you and your fiancee' created a baby. Therefore as adults, you need to figure out a way to pay for it". Part of playing house together means taking responsibility for whatever bills you incur. It is not my place or your father's place, or your fiancee's parents place to finance YOUR pregnancy."

[SherrySher 881]

I still feel you should say at least something about her being more responsible being as you are her mother.

 

However, Wiseman, may be right. She's old enough to know better and if she doesn't yet, perhaps it's a lost cause.

 

Simply tell her you cannot afford it and that you can try to get the money together for only one thing.

[DancingFool 1,420]

Just keep it honest, simple, and firm - honey, I can't afford to buy these things. Money is tight and what you are asking is something I wish I could buy, but it's completely out of the question. The money isn't there. That's really all you need to say to her and send a very clear message that she is on her own and needs to start sorting her finances out, including things for the baby.

 

No need to lecture. Just a simple firm no. Be direct about it instead of the passive aggressive suggestions she borrow or get used. She needs to understand that the bank of mom is at zero balance and then start making some decisions for herself. Right now, she seems to think that you are loaded and can buy her whatever she wants and so any suggestion to get something less makes her mad. Tell her the reality - there is no extra money for what she wants. Don't even need any lengthy discussions. That will or should prompt her to get serious about money without causing bad blood between you.

[jimthzz 187]

...

My daughter just graduated college (very proud of this accomplishment), but has not looked very hard for a job as she wanted to take the summer off to spend time with her 8 year old son, (my grandson). She also just found out in April that she is a diabetic 1 and also has several other health issues.

The pregnancy was a complete surprise to both of them and he became quite angry about it. I think he is getting used to the idea now, but I don't know. She is on Medicaid so she will receive free medical care the entire term of pregnancy. ...

 

Gee, who wouldn't like to take the summer off?

 

OK, she lives in fantasy land. Time to get a job and support herself and her kid and the one on the way.

 

She is 36, not 15.

 

The whole world does it. So can she.

 

I suspect that you have been her go-to financial plan for years. Time to stop.

[Rose Mosse 512]

It seems she's just testing you. She lives with her dad so, no, don't give her any housekeeping clues or hints. It's a bit condescending. Treat her like an adult.

 

I really like Bolt's idea about the recurring purchases for necessities. I use that with Amazon.

[MurphyB 18]

This is precisely what you should have said. YOU are the parent here. If you want your grown child to learn responsibility, you have to teach it and follow it through.

 

As for the big ticketed items...hell no! You are already doing enough. Find a used crib and work out what to do about the breast pump.

She has no right to be demanding this from you.

I can see her come back being something along the lines of..."but this is your grandchild!" etc. No,,,big ticketed items does not equal love.

 

She needs to stop mooching and start learning responsibility.

 

Speaking of which, if they had used a condom and/or pill, none of this would be happening.

 

Just keep it honest, simple, and firm - honey, I can't afford to buy these things. Money is tight and what you are asking is something I wish I could buy, but it's completely out of the question. The money isn't there. That's really all you need to say to her and send a very clear message that she is on her own and needs to start sorting her finances out, including things for the baby.

 

No need to lecture. Just a simple firm no. Be direct about it instead of the passive aggressive suggestions she borrow or get used. She needs to understand that the bank of mom is at zero balance and then start making some decisions for herself. Right now, she seems to think that you are loaded and can buy her whatever she wants and so any suggestion to get something less makes her mad. Tell her the reality - there is no extra money for what she wants. Don't even need any lengthy discussions. That will or should prompt her to get serious about money without causing bad blood between you.

 

 

 

These 2 posts above = Bang on.

 

It's pretty appalling that a fully grown woman at 36 is expecting you you fork out for all this stuff.

 

If they can't afford another baby, they should have thought about it before jumping in the sack unprotected. They're not both 17.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Must be very hard, but your daughter and her partner are being very selfish here. You've brought her up, it's not your role on this planet to be the parent to her kids too.

You should be enjoying being a Grandmother and not being made to feel like the 'Bank of Grandmother'.

[melancholy123 436]

Your daughter is a wannabe mooch. Tell her you will buy one big item, like a crib, and it will be at a price you can afford. There's always used baby items for sale online, in the newspapers, on bulletin boards in stores. Nobody needs to buy new baby things. Yard sales are a great way to get baby items too. She can acquire these things at a price she can afford. Dont be a pushover or you will set a bad precedent!

 

Amazon has "subscribe and save" for diapers, if you can afford to do that, set her up with delivery to her home and you pay the bill.

 

At her age she ought to be self sufficient!

[Seraphim 1,772]

She is 36 not 16 enough said.

[HeartGoesOn 890]

I'm sure you're stuck between a rock and a hard spot, especially with her being your daughter. Having said that, the more important issue is how to help her understand responsibility. Unfortunately that has to come from within, yet she has to make that choice.

 

Either way, I'd give more thought to allowing her to experience going without, rather than bailing her out of the consequences she needs to face.

[catfeeder 1,880]

Don't send nasty moralizing things like this, you'll regret it. Your disapproval and spewing hate won't help anyone. Simply tell her you'll get [one item] and leave it.

 

I agree. No need to add insult to the 'no'. Just a plain, "Thanks for your gift list. I'll consider what I can afford and want to give, and I'll let you know."

 

Boom, done, and skip the moralizing. It will not help your relationship and it won't benefit daughter to hear that stuff from you. The world will teach her all the tough love she needs.

[Batya33 1,897]

Just as an aside - I have heard that sometimes insurance covers breast pumps -might want to check into that.

 

I agree with catfeeder -just say no. No elaboration needed. Good luck!

[Hollyj 1,421]

Why isnt she looking for a job? It isn't your responsibility or your ex's to support a 36 year old women. It is high time you stopped enabling her. You are not doing her any favors!

[goddess 175]

I still feel you should say at least something about her being more responsible being as you are her mother.

 

However, Wiseman, may be right. She's old enough to know better and if she doesn't yet, perhaps it's a lost cause.

 

Simply tell her you cannot afford it and that you can try to get the money together for only one thing.

 

SherrySher, did you ever consider that she probably knows that her mother will buy (some way or another) the things she told her to buy? At 36, that is just so rude, inconsiderate and manipulative. Sorry, but that's just my opinion. I feel terrible that her fiance let her go to the ER by herself but she, in turn, is being just as inconsiderate as he is toward her own mother. Really???

[goddess 175]

...She's 36. You're NOT going to financially support her. She needs to sort out her life herself.

 

It's not your job and it's HER responsibility to be more careful with her life.

 

You can give a gift of certain price, but that's it. You're not an atm. At 35, my dad who used to be quite a high up engineer had two menial jobs and worked 70+ hours a week to support us. Simply cos the first few years of migration was tough. He didn't rely on anyone.

 

My parents are now financially comfortable but no way in hell would I ever ask for financial assistance. The fact she had the thick skin to ask.

 

Don't be guilt tripped.

 

Don't be guilt tripped. That's exactly what your daughter is doing to you, OP. When I first read your post, I was floored at the sheer nerve she has. She is causing you such stress and guilt. It's up to her to get such expensive items, not you!!!!! As another poster said, you can get some nice cribs, etc at a second hand store. Heck, I'd like to buy a Lamborghini, but I simply cannot afford it. I have my son's old car. As the saying goes "You can't always get what you what". SHE needs to figure out her life. She's not a teenager!!

[goddess 175]

Why isnt she looking for a job? It isn't your responsibility or your ex's to support a 36 year old women. It is high time you stopped enabling her. You are not doing her any favors!

 

Yes, totally agree!

[goddess 175]

Why isnt she looking for a job? It isn't your responsibility or your ex's to support a 36 year old women. It is high time you stopped enabling her. You are not doing her any favors!

 

It is high time you stopped enabling her.