Sweet Sue

I came one here seeking your insights and advice to a very complicated situation. I want to send a message of 'thanks' for all of those who contributed to this thread. I hope all of you have great and wonderful day! 😃

So, comforting to know that none of you think she should be held accountable for her actions. A 'bigger person' would have allowed for a few extra hours, that's all I asked for was a few extra hours. Heck, I would have given it to her. A 'bigger person' wouldn't have threatened to keep me from seeing my grandchildren if I don't show up when she tells me to show up. A 'bigger person' doesn't use social media to say mean-spirited things about me. A 'bigger person' doesn't involve children in adult affairs. A 'bigger person' doesn't block and delete. A 'bigger person' doesn't connive, manipulate, give ultimatums or disrespects their parent(s). She has made no attempt to call me or reach out in any way. I sent a Valentine's Day gift basket and received no reply. I called my daughter on my birthday to thank her for the edible arrangement and left her a message- I got no response. I texted my daughter and grandson a message of apology and even spoke to my ex-husband to speak to our daughter and to find out what she needs from me to mend this broken fence - this was in January. Still no word. I think I have put more effort in these last few months than she has. I don't use social media to berate my daughter. Nor have I blocked or deleted her from social media or my phone. I think it's petty and juvenile and it's not my style. She lives for drama and if there isn't any, she'll find a way to create it. I am not a perfect person and may not always make the right choices. I always try to do what I think is right. And there's the rub.... I have always told my daughter that she is loved and will always be loved, despite all of our differences. It hasn't been easy. I've been hit, kicked, slapped, and been called vulgar names and she has even wished me dead. Not once, have I ever called my daughter a vulgar name, nor have I ever kicked, slapped or wished her dead. Instead, I took her to therapy- mostly alone because my ex wanted no part of it. She was in a juvennile detention center for a few days for physically assaulting me after I told her she couldn't use the phone. The counseling she received there seemed to help, at least for awhile. She's been diagnosed with ODD and HDHD. I haven't sent the Christmas presents, because I was hoping for a reconciliation before now. The bulk of their Christmas presents arrived in mid-December, I am not worried about a few presents that remain here in my closet. I am NOT punishing my grandchildren by withholding a few extra presents that they don't even know about- that's not my style. My granddaughter has a birthday coming up in April and I am hoping I get an invite. Seraphim- my grandchildren don't get to make up their own mind about what they think of me. Their mother, who has referred to them as ' stupid little ***' has already brainwashed them. You have never seen a level of dysfunction as I have witnessed in that home. It's reprehensible and disgraceful. I don't doubt for a moment that she loves her children, but she does not provide a loving and nuturing environment for them to thrive in. There is alot of yelling, screaming, threatening and name calling. Wiseman- you just don't get it. It was never about needing Joe's permission, but just checking with him to make sure he could still drive us up there at that time, because if it wasnt' at that time, we would go another time. I DON'T NEED JOE'S PERMISSION TO VISIT MY DAUGHTER OR MY GRANDCHILDREN. Our plan, all along was to find a day or a weekend where we could drive up there. She didn't like the mere fact that I mentioned Joe as we were finalizing plans on the phone that night and went off on me, yelling at me and making threats and giving me an ultimatum that if I didn't show up, I'd never see my grandchildren ever again, then she hung up. That's reprehensible. How is that being a 'bigger person'?

Let me be perfectly clear. I didn't chose Joe over her. It was never about that. She made it about that. We made plans to visit. I still have the Christmas presents that I bought for my grandkids. Our conversation was going very well until I asked for a few more hours to confirm things with Joe, although I was 99 % sure we could make it that weekend. There's nothing wrong with that. She could just as easily said, "Sure thing, mom. Let me know in the morning." And all this would never have happened. All is asked for was just a few hours to confirm our plans and she went berserk! For most people, that is not an unusual request. Is there no accountability for her behavior? So, now she takes to social media to vent her frustration about all of this. She does this all the time. Most of you seem to think it's okay to disrespect your parents, giving them ultimatums and such and no matter what, we as parents should just look the other way. I think giving in would only make things worse down the road. My showing up has taught her how to treat me. I can say with 100% confidence if I disrespected my parents that way, they would not have made the trip- and in my opinion, they would have done the right thing. My parents didn't tolerate or reward such behavior. Sure, my parents didn't show for important events and holidays when my daughter was growing up, but I never made them feel guilty or threaten to keep them from seeing their only grandchild and that's precisely what she is doing right now. I think my decision was correct, based on the advice I received from therapists over the years. "Set boundaries and don't reward bad behavior'. I've tried to follow this simple rule with regard to my relationship with my daughter.

Update It's been 2 1/2 months since the last contact I had with my daughter. In the meantime, I have been blocked by her phone and facebook. Nevertheless, I have sent apologies to my daughter and grandson and have not heard back from any of them. My fiancee, who is facebook friends with my daughter has shown me posts where my daughter replies to a comment that I had invited her to my April wedding but failed to show up for Christmas. There continue to be comments about what a bad grandmother I am all over her facebook. As I stated earlier, I have been blocked but it hasn't stopped people from calling me up and asking what's going on? On my birthday, just two days ago, I received a lovely edible arrangement from her and my grands. There was also a handmade birthday card with a photo of all three of them and a very sweet inscription. I immediately texted her a thank you and even attempted to call. But it went straight to voice mail. It's one thing to be upset with me about the Christmas incident, but when she takes her frustrations out on social media, that's totally reprehensible.

Coily- my daughter did not handle the divorce well at all. She had a meltdown- and it did not go as planned. There is no easy way to break this kind of news to them. My ex and I discussed how best to proceed with the news. However, the next evening they were upset with each other and there was a shouting match between them. My ex- so caught up in anger said to her, "Oh, and by the way, your mother and I are getting a divorce!" I just buried my head in my hands and sobbed. She was heartbroken at first, then over time came to accept it. Two months later, my ex remarried and depending on who you ask, my ex told me that our daughter did everything in her power to destroy that marriage and would eventually succeed. Their marriage was over in two years. Over time she has told me that my ex still loves me and if I would ever consider remarrying him. There's no way that will ever happen. Doesn't ever child want to see their parents back together again? I get that! Waffle- that has been my struggle. Setting boundaries make for good relationships. That's all I was doing here. But what's the cost? Is there ever a time to make an allowance? Where is HER accountability. For years...many years the counselors told me to never reward her bad behavior- without exception. But this advice came BEFORE the grandchildren. It is MORE important for me to see them even if it means I see less of my daughter. Meanwhile, why can't she let them make up their own mind about what they think of me? Using her own words, "Lori is too little to understand what is going on". But just yesterday, she refused to speak to me when her grandfather told her I wanted to talk to her on the phone. I could hear her sweet voice reply, "No, I don't want to talk to Granna." It's gut wrenching. Hopefully we will be able to find some common ground and mend our fences soon. I'm not getting any younger and they are getting older!

Andrina, I have spent the last two days trying to get in touch with my grandson by phone, facebook messenger and text. I have left messages on all of them apologizing for not showing up for Christmas without explanation - and seeking forgiveness. I have also reached out to my daughter as well with an apology. As of this writing, I have heard nothing from either of them. Yesterday, me ex who lives with them called me on an unrelated matter. At the end of our conversation, he asked me if I would be willing to work on the relationship -more specifically with our daughter. I told him to ask her what she needs from me, and I will do it and when she is ready to call, I'll be here for her.

So, tonight I called my ex-husband (because my daughter still has me blocked from her phone and facebook and after our conversation, I asked him if I could speak to my granddaughter. I heard him tell her that it was Granna calling and she replied, "No, I don't want to speak to Granna." he tried one more time and she repeated it. He told me she was busy playing with her toys, unaware of what I heard. She's not even 4 yet, and she knows........ I don't understand why adults drag children into adult disputes. According to mutual friends on facebook, my daughter has been making mean-spirited remarks about me on facebook. When does it end? Wiseman, I did send my grandson a message while he was on facebook. I received no reply.

Wiseman2- it is a little awkward but me ex and I have a good relationship. I think 'Joe' feels uncomfortable with him being there, although my ex goes above and beyond to make him welcome and feel at home. Yes, the oldest one who is 12 has two cell phones. One is the one his mother bought him and the other is one his father bought for him. I do reach out to him on his phone and we face time, too. I've been wanting to call him, but I don't know what to say to him - he might not even answer. I don't want to say the wrong thing.........any ideas?

SooSad33 I think you have a better grasp of this situation. You are right, there is a lot more than I could ever possible write about in this forum. I have had problems with her for most of her life. She was diagnosed with HDHD when she was eight years old. At ten, she was diagnosed with ODD-Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She was your typical strong-willed child. I read every book on the subject and took her to psychiatrists and therapists. I've been hit, slapped, kicked and punched. She has cussed me out and wished me death. I am not a perfect mother and never claim to have been, but I can honestly say, I have NEVER used the kind of vulgar language that my daughter uses on me when she is stressed out or angry. I have spanked her bottom- but only her bottom, when she was a child. Mental illness runs on her father's side of the family. His own family used to joke about how she was so much like 'them'. I didn't think it was funny. My ex-husband and I had very different parenting skills. I was more strict and disciplined, while he would rather look the other way at her misbehavior until it became too much for him- then he would buckle under her demands. He would not go to the therapy sessions, so I would go alone. The therapists knew I was being abused and would tell me to call the cops on her and I did. That costs me my marriage and he took her side. I was the one that she assaulted and he was comforting her when the cops showed up at the door. She was taken to a juvenile detention center and stayed the entire weekend. When she came home, she was a different person. It brought tears to my eyes. We hugged each other and she told me she would work hard at controlling her temper. She did try very hard but it wouldn't last. The divorce hit her hard. She wanted us to stay together. I think a little piece of her died that day. My ex-husband remarried 2 months later. That marriage would not last very long. Evidently she drove a wedge between her dad and his new wife and made life difficult for them. After high school, she started college and eventually married. Her father moved in with them, and helped with the bills. But there was always conflicts between them. Moving this story along, she had her first child at 28 and four years later, she found herself in court trying to keep him. Apparently CPS was called on her for threatening her father's life with a knife (which was recorded on tape) and I could hear her screaming at him at the top of her lungs. I couldn't handle hearing all of this. I ran out of the courtroom in tears. I had no idea she was capable of such a thing - to try and murder her own father! She received a court order to attend anger management classes. Her attorney recommended her father attend anger management classes because of what he heard coming from him on the tape. She attended the classes as instructed, but I don't think it helped much. I have been in counseling for years. What I have been told by the therapists is to not tolerate any kind of disrespect. You don't reward bad behavior- it only reinforces the negative behavior. I understand where they are coming from and I agree with them - for the most part. Having a relationship with my grandchildren is of more importance to me than my daughter's disrespectful behavior. I just don't like her threats to keep them away from me unless I cave to every demand. I have boundaries and let her know what I will not tolerate - no disrespect. She is 40 and is a single mother of two children. She does not work and has not been gainfully employed since 2009. She graduated from college magna cum laude in 2019. She receives gov't assistance and I have been told by family members (her father's side) that she has no plans to work to support her children. Her father, who is an attorney, supports her children and is happy and contented to keep her at home with him and taking care of him as he is in poor health. I see her struggling as a single parent who receives only very little financial assistance from her ex-husband and nothing coming from the father of her little girl. This is very sad to me. She has very few friends and no social life. She sees her friends today- married and working hard at their careers. Maybe a little jealousy going on there.......I don't know. In one of my last text messages to her before I was blocked for the second time in two weeks, I told her that I love her and nothing would ever change that no matter what happens. I want us to be able to come together and try to work on our issues in a calm, peaceful and respectful manner. She did reply later to me that she liked that. I won't give up on her - she's my daughter and I honestly do care about her. I know that deep down inside she truly loves me and I have no doubt about it, despite what she says or does. And that's the short version! 🙂

To be clear, I did NOT need my Joe's permission to go up there. We were already planning to go! I can't make that more abundantly clear. Also, I was not made aware of that she even spoke to her ex-husband about asking to get 'Alex' for the 30th until New Year's Day. All she said in a text message was that the 30th would work after all and that he would be with her for 6 hours -from noon until 6pm. I failed to ask her how this was accomplished. I then told her that we would be there at noon and stay until 8pm and come back home. I was not trying to dismiss her, that was HER interpretation and I have no control over how she responds to my comment "We will be there from 12-8, I'm pretty sure we can make it, let me check with Joe". It was not about seeking Joe's permission, I like to confirm things with the person who will be doing the driving. It's common courtesy and I felt 99.9% sure we would be there on the 30th or the 7th. Also, I told her that the first weekend in January would be better because he would be with her that entire weekend, allowing more time with him and my granddaughter as opposed to 6 hours. Reinvinventmyself- looking back, I really wish I had. Personally, that would not have bothered me in the least, if someone told me that, but then again, she does see 'things' very differently that I do and reacts harshly as well. Case and point: growing up, my daughter had a great relationship with my parents and we lived three hours away. She was also the only grandchild they ever had. Over the years, my parents were involved as much as they could. They were invited to birthday parties, her school functions, Grandparents Day, baptism, holidays and high school graduation- or simply visit on weekends. Sometimes they would come and sometimes they wouldn't make the trip at all. Several of these were very important to us and their only excuse was that they just didn't feel like making the trip. I accepted this and moved on. I never put any kind of pressure on them or gave ultimatums. Instead, if my daughter asked me why, I would try to soften the blow with the hopes she would understand. More importantly, while they didn't always show up when we wanted them there, it never affected her love for them. Things are vastly different with her, as I have described in great length. I feel like she is trying to divide us. She has told me twice in one year, "Alex doesn't even care if you come up here -he doesn't care to see you!" Well, that won't stop me from visiting I can assure you of that! My efforts to rebuild and mend that fence have been in vain. But I am still working on it......

Catfeeder- I get what everyone is telling me. I am well aware of how important a role grandparents play in the lives of their grandchildren. There is no misunderstanding there. They are my heart and I love them dearly. My personal struggle, Catfeeder is their mother. So, you're telling me, the next time my daughter invites me to any function involving my grandchildren and she yells, "you better be here or else you'll never see your grandchildren ever again!" that I should make the trip anyway? Would you do that? But where is HER accountability?

Seraphim, I do want a relationship with them, despite the misgivings I have about their mother. Wiseman, my fiancee was not the scapegoat. As I previously stated, we were already planning to go, either the 30th or the first weekend in January and she knew that. When I told her that I was pretty sure we could make it, she demanded I give her an answer that night. All I wanted to do was make sure he could still go- and he could! If he could not, I would have gone by myself like I did last year. A few hours is not going to make a difference and she knew that. There was no reason to get so upset with me on the phone like that - then to be blocked on both the phone and facebook. What do I mean by life happens? Yes, there are times when I have been unable to make the 3 1/2 hour drive to see her because of an illness. I have late stage lyme disease and if anyone has ever suffered with it, then you know how debilitating the symptoms can be. It causes brain fog, neuropathic pain, migraines, extreme muscle aches and much more. I am still receiving treatment and have made some progress. In the beginning I was practically bedridden. It was during that time that I was only to make it to a few parties- but by the grace of God. Her reaction was, "one day you will have to explain why you did not show up for Alex's birthday...." Then last year, both Joe and I attended her youngest daughter's birthday party. It was a lot of fun and was held at a picnic area. Some of my daughter's friends were present and were curious about meeting Joe. I thought everything went great! After we returned home, I phoned my daughter to thank her for inviting us. Her reply stunned me. She said, "Joe drew more attention than 'Lorie's" party." I asked her what she meant by that, she said, "instead of focusing on "Lorie", everyone was more focused on Joe -they kept asking me questions about Joe instead of engaging with 'Lorie'. This summer I invited my grandson to spend a week with me. When I asked my daughter, she said no. I asked her why, and she said he has never been away from her that long. Then I suggested 3 days. Once again, she said no. I asked her why and she changed the subject. When I am on the phone with my grandson, his mom is listening in- and he's 12 years old. When they come here to visit, she doesn't let him out of her sight. If I take 'Alex' to the den to play a game of Jacks, she's watching the whole time. I have never had any alone time with him and that makes me wonder...why?

I didn't know she 'moved things around' for me until I received her text message just after New Years. All she said in her text was, 'Alex' would be at her house after all on the 30th. I did not know how she accomplished this. You are right, there is so much more to this story. Over the years, she has invited me to birthday parties, family gatherings, graduation and the holidays. If I am able to make it, she is happy- and I do my best to make it. But life gets in the way and there are times I am unable to make it. If I am not able to attend, she tells me I am going to disappoint her kids and threatens to keep them from me unless I attend - and goes as far as to say, "One day, you will have to explain to them why you missed '______' . She gave me an ultimatum and was extremely disrespectful to me when she didn't have to be. When I asked her for another day before responding with 100 percent certainty, she became indignant, and gave me the ultimatum. Then she blocked me on her phone and on facebook - how do I know this? I tried to call her and message her. She has probably blocked me at least a dozen times in the course of 11 years. It's ridiculous! I've never blocked her - not even once. It was never about picking her over my fiancee. We had planned to go one way or another and I told her that on the phone a week before Christmas. Last Christmas, I went alone to spend Christmas with her. I won't even describe what that was like, but I did grit my teeth and stayed two days. She didn't disrespect me and was happy to see me I was happy to see how special she made Christmas for the kids. I saw things that disturbed me a little, but I won't go into that. 'Joe' enjoys making the trip up there with me and my daughter has expressed how happy she is that another male figure will be in Alex's life (my grandson).

Joe wanted to go and so we made plans to go together. I only hesitated to give her a reply because I wanted to check and make sure Joe could still go with me and drive me up there. There's nothing wrong with making sure my driver is available. I could have given her an answer in less than 12 hours, but she demanded and answer at that moment or else...........I would have gone up there by myself if I had to. She stated that I don't need Joe's permission. I was not seeking Joe's permission, I was only asking for a little time to see if he could still make the trip with me. That is not the issue... The issue is her abusive disrespectful behavior and ultimatum, then angrily hanging up on me. The way I see it as manipulation and control. If there was only a way for me to see them without her drama, I would do it. I believe that showing up as planned would have only reinforced her manipulative behavior. It would never end and only get worse. She'll see it as "I can disrespect my mother, make her submit to ultimatums and she'll still come up here to visit." Where is the benefit of rewarding this kind of behavior? Now, she is giving me another ultimatum. Unless my fiancee spends the entire visit in her home, he will no longer be welcome if he gets up to leave and go somewhere else. Who holds visitor's hostages in their home? At the same time, I missed spending the holidays with my grandchildren.

So, this story began last year around Christmas. I have an adult daughter who is 40 years old and lives 3 1/2 hours away from me. I also have two precious grandchildren. A grandson 12 and a granddaughter who's almost 4. My daughter called me up and asked me if I was planning a trip up to see them for Christmas but reminded me that my grandson would not be with her during the Christmas weekend because he would be with his father. After discussing several possibilities with my fiancee 'Joe', his work schedule and church/family obligations I called her back and told her that Dec 30 would work out for us. She told me on the phone that the 30th wouldn't work either, so could I come another time. Since I was planning to make this trip with my fiancee, I asked him if he could make the trip with me- the first weekend in Jan. He said that would work for him. A few days later, my daughter called to tell me that Dec 30 would work out after all because her ex-husband told her he would let him come to her house but just for that day. I was thrilled and told her that as far as I knew, I think we could still plan a trip on the 30th, but that before I could definitely say with 100 percent certainty, I would need to check with my fiancee to be sure he had not already scheduled something for that day and that I would give her an answer the next day. That's when all hell broke loose! My daughter became belligerent and told me that I didn't 'need' to check with him and to just give her an answer - NOW! In fact she said, "Give me your answer right now! I need to know tonight! If you don't come on the 30th, don't bother coming at all - and if you don't come on the 30th, you will never see your grandchildren ever again!" then she hung up the phone before I could even respond. So, the 30th rolled around and we never made the trip. New Year's Day I reached out to her and wished her a Happy New Year and never got a reply. Later I would find out I was blocked on facebook too. Yesterday, I made another attempt to reach out to her, not to berate or scold, but to find a way to reconcile. I sent her a long text message. I sent a text message to my grandson too. His text message to me read; " Granna I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. I expected you to come see me on the 30th and you never showed up. You picked 'Joe' over me." That broke my heart. Today my daughter responded to my text and was appalled that we did not show up to her home. She said that she had gone to a lot of trouble to get her son and prepared a holiday feast. The kids were extremely disappointed that I picked 'Joe' over them. I continue to disappoint and that I don't show up for all her holiday dinners, family gatherings or social events. I told her that the reason we did not come was because I don't reward bad behavior. I was given an ultimatum to 'come on the 30th or else..." and as much as we were looking forward to the trip, her showing me such disrespect on the phone that night was when I made the decision I would not make the trip after all. She even took it a step further and said to me, "the next time 'Joe' comes with you and he doesn't stick around for the entire time of the birthday party, he is never allowed to come into my home ever again." This is deeply disturbing to me. It breaks my heart. It was never about picking one over the other- only she sees it that way. I am at a loss......

Tinydance- your first two paragraphs accurately describe the situation precisely. She has been an integral part of his life and even took care of their children while the both of them worked. You asked me how often does he help her out? He helps her out almost daily for 3-4 hours a day after work. Mind you, she has a daughter, another son in law who is retired and is home all day as well as friends and neighbors, but it is Joe that does helps the most. It is Joe that she will call in an emergency as they live just 5 minutes apart. Her daughter does work a full time job but is off on Monday and Sunday. They live further away and do not attend the same church. Carol and her daughter are not as close and that is why Carol depends so much on Joe because he is willing to help. We spent Christmas at her home tonight and she was very weak. She is still recovering from her total knee replacement surgery 3 weeks ago and will be having her other knee done in the Spring. In the last week, Joe has been a little short with me every time I ask about what he is doing about getting his house ready for market and if he plans to have an Estate sell like I am. Whenever the topic about moving or preparing to move, he shuts me down. He'll say things like, "I haven't had time, I've been busy with Joyce, or working on the stock market. I also have a part time job that takes up all of my morning." Then he adds, "I don't want to talk about it, we've talked about it before". I just step back and let him cool his heels. A few days later, he told me that he is cleaning out some rooms. I asked him what he plans to do with all of his 'stuff'- things like furniture, appliances etc and he tells me he doesn't know yet. I only ask because it will help me decide if I want to sell my fridge or we keep his fridge and entertainment center and other items he has in his home- then I will know if I will sell mine or not. I suspect he is putting off our moving -not the marriage- but moving away because he feels an obligation to care for Joyce who really has nobody that helps her to the extent that he does. It's like he has put our plans on 'hold' while Joyce is going through a difficult spot. So, where does that leave me, I wonder? I am still doing his laundry- two months later. He gets a bit annoyed at me when I ask if he has fixed his dryer and reminds me how busy he is helping Joyce and other things he feels needs his attention. As I stated before, I don't mind helping out my fiancee, but I am beginning to think he is taking advantage of me. I mean, how long does it take to identify the problem and fix it? Is it wrong for me to think maybe he's taking advantage of my offer of help? Wouldn't any of you reading this be glad to help out your fiancee? At what point would you NOT be so willing to help? If my car broke down and I couldn't drive it, I know my fiancee' wouldn't mind driving me all over town, helping me run errands and taking me to doctor appointments - at least for a while. At what point should I expect him to look at me and say, "It's been two months now, honey - do you have any idea when you might get your car fixed?" Initially I thought I would be doing his laundry for just two weeks and now, it is going on two months. I know he doesn't want to have to buy a dryer if we are getting married in the Spring, so what's the rush! The reason I am in such rush to move is because the city in which we both reside has a high crime rate that most of our friends and some of my family, have already moved away. Also, I want to be closer to my grandchildren. Right now, it's a 3 1/2 hour drive to see my grandchildren. If we move 90-100 miles north, then we are in a better for me to see my grandchildren more regularly instead of once or twice a year - and Joe will be the same distance from his family- it's a compromise that we have agreed to- the problem is getting him to move this a little faster along.

The wedding will probably be this Spring. 'Carol' just had major surgery last week. She had a total knee replacement. Just yesterday, he helped her move from the hospital to the rehab center. Once she's home in three weeks, she has already asked him to take her to her physical therapy sessions. Then, she is planning to have the other knee replaced sometime in the Spring. No, we are not buying property together before getting married. We will both be selling our homes, then we plan to buy another home approx. 90 miles away. We both narrowed down the town that we would like to live in. We selected this town because He's 90 miles from his sons and mother-in-law and I will be just over 100 miles from my grandchildren. With 'Carol' in rehab away from home, she will not be able to help him wash his clothes or dry them. Initially I thought that I might be helping him out for a week or so - with the laundry. And now, it's been 6 weeks. 'How long does it take to find out why the dryer isn't heating, then fix the problem?" I think he likes someone having to do his laundry- it's a task he does not like doing. Also, there's a chance he might have to buy a new dryer and he doesn't want to spend the money when we will be getting married and he'll be moving in with me when that happens, probably in Feb or March 2024. I see 'Carol' as the mother of his deceased late wife. Joe sees 'Carol' as the grandmother of his children. I think it's sweet that he lends a sympathetic ear or a helping hand when she needs the help. But I really think 'Carol' takes advantage of him and he feels obligated to help her. I think he enjoys helping her, too. Perhaps there's an incentive to help her- that I have not been made aware of. When is helping too much?

My fiancee 'Joe' is a widower. Just to give you some background -my fiancee, 'Joe' lost his wife ten years ago. He two grown sons. He is semi-retired and works a part time job. He is very close to his mother-in-law and helps her out any way he can. 'Carol'- the mother-in-law has a daughter and son-in-law and four adult grandchildren. Over the course of our relationship, I have noticed that Joe and his mother-in-law are extremely close. She is 85 years old and has some health issues. She is legally blind and lives alone. She cannot drive and depends on the graciousness of family or friends to help her. Whenever she needs any kind of help, she will reach out to Joe before she calls her own daughter. Joe lives just 5 minutes from her home. Every Sunday, he takes her to Sunday School, then church and out to lunch. This is a routine that started years ago. Since we began our relationship, I have made requests for him to attend church services with me - not every Sunday, but occasionally. He apologizes and tells me that he has promised 'Carol' that he will take her to church and then somewhere out to lunch. When she is unable to attend her services, then he will accompany me. Currently, we are making plans to move out of our area to another city, approximately 90 miles away. During a recent discussion about where to live he brought up 'Carol' and stated, " Carol is getting older and will be needing more of my help, so I can't be too far away." Keep in mind, 'Carol has a daughter and friends who have offered to help her but she tells Joe that she doesn't want to be an imposition on her friends -and as far as asking help from her daughter - she is not a caregiver and they don't have a close relationship. I have sensed some frustration in his voice when he wants to get out of town to go hiking or to attend church with me. He told me once, "I try to make plans and she asks me to take her to church, then lunch. She knows that her friends have offered to take her, but she says she doesn't want to impose on them. But she doesn't mind imposing on me." Joe is a kind and generous soul and has a big heart. He loves helping people and helped me out when I was caring for my elderly father. I love that about him. I don't know if I should just back off or am I just being selfish. Also, am I being selfish when Joe has been bringing his laundry for me to wash and dry for the last 6 weeks because he's been - using his words "too busy helping 'Carol' with her with her needs". Joe's dryer broke down in early October. The parts are still scattered all over his kitchen floor. He told me one day in late October that 'Carol' has been doing all his laundry until he can find the time to fix the dryer. I told him that I would be happy to pitch in and help as well. Since then, he has been bringing his laundry twice a week for me to was and dry. Today, when I inquired about the status of the dryer, he seemed a bit annoyed that I would raise the issue and stated to me once again, that taking care of 'Carol' takes up a lot of his time. He thanked me profusely for helping him out and grateful for all I have done. His comment left me wondering if I was out of line. But, am I helping or is he taking advantage of the situation?

Boltnrun- my grandson doesn't have many friends. He is extremely introverted and exhibits social awkwardness (according to his mother). He has made a new friend in school this year, but doesn't speak much about him to me. tattoobunnie - what is a DASA? I agree, no kid should have to go through that. My daughter is extremely frustrated at how inept the school authorities have been through all this. Evidently, it's relatively common and they can't handle all the complaints.

I don't know if she can afford private at school - at least, not at this time. He sees a school counselor and a private therapist. He took martial arts classes for a while, but lost interest. His parents have taught him to defend himself in the event of an attack. The wounds to his shins left bruises, there were no other injuries to his body, so medical attention wasn't necessary. His parents are still trying to find out the last name of the kid. Seraphim - That is a vey sad story. Kids can be so brutal. It empowers them to belittle and demean someone others. She was not expecting you to stand up for yourself- what a coward. That's one way to take down a bully. When I spoke to my grandson about the bullying he was getting in elementary school, I told him act as if it doesn't bother him - even laugh with them. As long as you demonstrate weakness , that's what empowers them. That's hard to do.... There are times when I feel like going up to the school myself and having it out with the school authorities, but my daughter wishes to handle it in her own way.

Thank you, Cherylyn!

My grandson is 12 years old and is in middle school. He is in the 7th grade and makes good grades. He loves music and plays the trombone. He is rather shy and has been described as socially inept. As a young child, his mother noticed that he might be autistic and had him tested. He does have the markers for autism. He is 5'6" and is overweight - to be quite honest - extremely overweight. At school, his is teased and made fun of because of the way he dresses, his social awkwardness and obviously his weight. More recently, things took a turn for the worse. Some kid - (we have not yet identified) kicked my grandson in the shins, leaving bruises. My daughter took photographs and reported the incident to his teachers and school principal, yet as of this writing, nothing has been done. The incident happened on or around Sept. 8. She has made numerous attempts to resolve this issue, but to no avail. Her calls and emails are being ignored. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! My grandson is terrified of going to school. Unfortunately, this is NOT a new thing. He was bullied in Elementary school and very little was done to stop it because it was 'out of control'. My question is: What can be done to stop the bullying and the physical attacks on my grandson? I am a former teacher myself, and in my experience, this was NOT a common thing. I recommended that she start with a meeting with the teacher, principal and perhaps a lawyer - her father is a lawyer. Document everything said and see what happens. If nothing happens, go up the chain of command until you get results... Can anyone add anything?

Thank all of you for your insightful comments. My fiancee is the non-confrontational type and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I have mentioned this to him when he invited me to another family gathering last year. He noticed that I was apprehensive and asked me why. I don't remember the words I used exactly, but told him I don't feel 'warm and fuzzy' around them and they don't show any interest in getting to know me. To this day, I don't know if he has ever talked to them about this, but I know what he has shared with me. I told him to remind the boys that I would never try to take their mother's place and to ask them if they would like to see their father happy again. He also told me - as I stated in an earlier post, that "Jean" was working on them - (what does that mean)? I think it means she's going to bat for me because I have been told that she liked me the first time we met and I like her too. At this time, she seems to be the only one who has accepted me into the family 🙂 You can't make people like you, but at the very least all I want is for them to show some respect and give me a chance.

Batya.......when we set one...we have set an official date, yet.

boltnrun......My fiancee had a conversation about this very thing a while back and he told me that "Jean" was 'working' on them- whatever that means. 'Jean' and I have a good relationship, although I found her non-verbal response to the announcement quite shocking. I looked over at her to see her response and her jaw dropped. She didn't speak to me at all at the dinner table -and neither did anyone else. No questions were asked about a date or anything, just awkward silence. I don't think it was a good idea to overshadow "Jean's" birthday party with such an announcement, but it happened. I don't recall anyone saying anything to him - and they are his family. When I got divorced from my first husband and father of my only child, he remarried just two months later. That marriage only lasted a few years and according to my ex-husband, our daughter made their life miserable. The reason for this was because she didn't want anyone to take my place - at least, not so soon after the divorce. Her behavior was more aggressive in nature, while my fiancee's sons are more passive aggressive. I do hope that over time they can open their hearts and home to me.