Pregnant daughter desires financial help

[goddess]

I think Sue is gone.

 

I think she is also. I just hope she finds the strength and courage to stand up to her demanding and disrespectful daughter. Enjoy your weekend, Holly.

[Hollyj]

I think she is also. I just hope she finds the strength and courage to stand up to her demanding and disrespectful daughter. Enjoy your weekend, Holly.

 

I agree. Unfortunately, her and her ex have created this problem. Time for her to grow up, as she has children to raise and support.

 

You too, honey!!!

[abitbroken]

I disagree with your daughter taking the summer off -- the best time to get a job is right when you graduate or secure one just before. THe longer time you are unemployed, the harder it is.

 

Welders and construction people are in HIGH HIGH demand. if he is only making $30K as a welder, he is turning down jobs, is a crappy welder or keeps getting fired for behavior. I know a quite a few people in skilled trades. Some have traveled for a few months to work down where they are need extra hands to rebuild after a hurricane, etc, (its not volunteer - insurance companies, businesses, homeowners pay), or they find lucrative work close by. i could see if he's in his 20s, starting out in the trade and making 24-$30k, but if he is in his 30s and has been in the business for awhile, he should be making a LOT more than that unless he is just a "helper" at a construction site. Contractors are dying for help from people that know what they are doing. And he should be taking overtime considering. I am sure its available or he can work part time. I know welders who take plenty of smaller side jobs, too.

 

But i can see where paying child support puts a damper on things.

 

I think your daughter needs to stop being enabled. Help her out with financial advice, rides to the job bank office, maybe watching the kid during her interviews, but she needs to grow up if she is 36

[Sweet Sue]

I haven't said anything, as of yet. I received the list and simply texted her back "Nice". She has not brought it up since. I don't enable her, please don't misunderstand, I don't work, remember, so I have nothing...zero...to give her. I am still currently out of work and totally dependent on my dad and I am his full time caregiver and have been for over 10 years. However, she lives with her dad who is financially well of and gives her all her heart desires. The fiancee does work, but makes very little income. He has two children from a previous marriage. My daughter has a son from a previous marriage. She graduated from college in May and as I said before, planned to look for work after taking the summer off. But life happened! I have kept my mouth shut for the most part. She knows I am not overjoyed about this and neither is her dad. She has ADHD, no impulse control, an autoimmune disease, type 1 diabetes, thyroid problems and feels sick most of the time (and not from the pregnancy). She is a high risk patient. I knew she wanted another child even though her fiancee didn't. Will it work out for them? Who knows? We shall see....I like some of the ideas expressed here. I wasn't about to go out and buy her "wish list', but I think I know who will? Her dad. She didn't demand I buy anything, I was going to review items on her "wish list" and see what I can do. I just wish I could get excited about this, but right now, when I look a the big picture, it's hard for me.....one more thing, I think the job search has been put on the back burner...at least for now. Sigh!

[Sweet Sue]

Abitbroken...........I live over 3 hours away from them, so that would not be a feasible solution. Now, as a welder, he does travel with the company out of town. He only gets pain when he works, so he might go a week without working. He just turned 30. He is not able to afford even an apt. He lived with his mom and dad until he met my daughter, who graciously let him and his daughters move in. Does he help with the bills? I don't know, she says he does.....but who knows.

I agree with your first statement. I tried to encourage her to start looking for work, but she didn't want to. She's under the impression that given the fact she graduated Magna Cum Laude, and has many accolades, and some work experience, it won't be hard to find a job. She lives in a city that is Hi-Tech where engineers area dime a dozen. She went on just one interview.

I don't know...I hope things will work out and they get their act together. Thanks for reaching out! Always appreciated..

[Sweet Sue]

Itsallgrand.......no abuse, thank God! She wanted another child, she didn't want her son to be an only child. So, even though she tells me it was unplanned, I suspect she was hoping. Her response to me was, "Oh well, things happen for a reason". The fiancee is still not happy and made it very clear he didn't want anymore kids, but whatever happens, he will step up and do the right thing. I hope so. With given the fact that she is high risk and they are not in a good financial place (she receives medicaid) and in the US, she gets free medical care. She even told me something that floored me the other day, "It's a good thing I am not working or I'd have to pay $2000 up front to the physician." It's been a long time since I had her and I know things change, but her dad and I had insurance and only paid a small copay. We put everything we wanted and needed on lay away. Neither one of our parents gave us anything as far as big ticket items. And dare we ask!

She is happy about it and I am coming around. After all, the baby didn't ask to be born. I will still love it with all my heart. I already feel attached and cry when I see the images she sends me! I just would feel better knowing it will be raised in a loving and nurturing environment. And after a time....she gets a job!

[Sweet Sue]

Good question! I don't really know Hollyj. Agreed, that is my concern too. He is in very poor health, weighs over 300 lbs, has diabetes and heart disease and kidneys are not functioning very well. He know works from home (he's a lawyer).

[Sweet Sue]

Paying her dad rent? She doesn't work! She plans to work in PR. I did suggest her fiancee may need to get a second job on weekends. She didn't blow up at me! I think we are making some progress here...Honeycomb8

[jimthzz]

Itsallgrand.......no abuse, thank God! She wanted another child, she didn't want her son to be an only child. So, even though she tells me it was unplanned, I suspect she was hoping. Her response to me was, "Oh well, things happen for a reason". The fiancee is still not happy and made it very clear he didn't want anymore kids, but whatever happens, he will step up and do the right thing. I hope so. With given the fact that she is high risk and they are not in a good financial place (she receives medicaid) and in the US, she gets free medical care. She even told me something that floored me the other day, "It's a good thing I am not working or I'd have to pay $2000 up front to the physician." It's been a long time since I had her and I know things change, but her dad and I had insurance and only paid a small copay. We put everything we wanted and needed on lay away. Neither one of our parents gave us anything as far as big ticket items. And dare we ask!

She is happy about it and I am coming around. After all, the baby didn't ask to be born. I will still love it with all my heart. I already feel attached and cry when I see the images she sends me! I just would feel better knowing it will be raised in a loving and nurturing environment. And after a time....she gets a job!

 

If she just graduated from college and still believes nonsense sayings (as in bold), then she didn't learn about cause and effect in her studies.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to make this about your divorce. That is what is complicating everything. Stop competing with your ex-husband and being resentful or being jealous of your daughter. All the hating is making you unwell. It's simple, if you get the hating and resenting out of the way..

 

She wanted another child, even if you secretly hope she doesn't have it. When the time comes, just get her a gift you can afford. She's a grown woman you raised so it's too late now to make changes. Her father and bf support her so why are you going on about she's extorting you for money? You had a fit when she asked for an Easter outfit for your grandson. This is a theme for you.

 

Do not make hateful suggestions about termination, her bf's a bum, you both need to be sterilized, keep your legs shut or any other hideous inappropriate remarks. She seems to want some sort of relationship with you, even if you resent her and your ex-husband, since the alimony ran out.

I am still currently out of work and totally dependent on my dad

she lives with her dad who is financially well of and gives her all her heart desires.

I knew she wanted another child

I wasn't about to go out and buy her "wish list', but I think I know who will? Her dad.

[abitbroken]

Abitbroken...........I live over 3 hours away from them, so that would not be a feasible solution. Now, as a welder, he does travel with the company out of town. He only gets pain when he works, so he might go a week without working. He just turned 30. He is not able to afford even an apt. He lived with his mom and dad until he met my daughter, who graciously let him and his daughters move in. Does he help with the bills? I don't know, she says he does.....but who knows.

I agree with your first statement. I tried to encourage her to start looking for work, but she didn't want to. She's under the impression that given the fact she graduated Magna Cum Laude, and has many accolades, and some work experience, it won't be hard to find a job. She lives in a city that is Hi-Tech where engineers area dime a dozen. She went on just one interview.

I don't know...I hope things will work out and they get their act together. Thanks for reaching out! Always appreciated..

 

if they can't afford an apartment - that's BS because i could afford one on much less - but it was small and not in a luxury area. A relatively safe area, but not the equivelant of the neighborhood my parents had (after working many decades, etc) - they just need to look in another area or move to where the work is. There are areas of the country where welders are paid more - and housing is the same or only slightly more or even less. Or if he plays his cards right he can find a position and experience so one day he can open his own business and have people under him.

 

Honestly, if she had 'good grades" that doesn't guarantee her a job.

[Sweet Sue]

Why would you bring my divorce into this? I am not even trying to compete with my ex-husband although she seems to resent the fact that I don't do anything for her. She seems to have forgotten that even when I was working two jobs, I didn't make 1/4 of what her father was making as an attorney. But I did the best I could with what little I had. Today, I don't work....I am a caregiver, full time, so I don't have an earned income. I would be nice if she would understand that I am doing the best I can with what little I have. I really don't think you have a good grasp of what my daughter is really like and how could you? I don't recall anything about an Easter outfit, but if I had a fit, then it was probably because she was guilt tripping me into buying it for him. You see...every time I miss a birthday she tells me, using her exact words: "one day you will have to explain why you have missed so many birthday's"...is just one example.

Yes, we are working on our relationship and she does reach out. Things are getting better for the most part, then there is a set back. But I know she loves me and she knows I love her.

I NEVER received alimony.

[Wiseman2]

So it's not that complicated. She knows you're on a fixed income and told you she's pregnant. When the time comes if you want to be involved, you can get her something you can afford. It seems you still resent her father and therefore resent her.

even when I was working two jobs, I didn't make 1/4 of what her father was making as an attorney. ...every time I miss a birthday she tells me, using her exact words: "one day you will have to explain why you have missed so many birthday's"...is just one example. Yes, we are working on our relationship and she does reach out.

[boltnrun]

On one of your other threads you described the man she is in a relationship with as a "lovely man with two kids".

 

What changed your opinion?

[Sweet Sue]

boltnrun......When I met her boyfriend for the first time, they were already engaged. When I saw her in June, she wasn't dating anyone to my knowledge, but I later learned they met in May. So, when they came down for Christmas (2 years ago), I thought he was very polite, sweet, he made good eye contact, and very engaging. A huge contrast from her husband. We have had a good relationship and have gotten along very well.

What happened is....over time, my daughter will call me up sharing problems about the relationship and how he threatens to leave almost every week. He has left and moved out on several occasions, only to come back when he needs money for something....how do I know this? She tells me so...

Then, last December, she got pregnant. She was happy and again, he was not. One night, at 2am, she started having cramps and bleeding. She woke him up and told him she needed to get to the hospital because she thought she was having a miscarriage? So what did he do? Absolutely nothing! He wouldn't drive her, so she got up and got dressed and drove herself to the ER, which took her 30 minutes....She got there safely, thank goodness, and did suffer a miscarriage. Four hours later, she returned home, her boyfriend was getting up and told her he was just about to get dressed to go meet her at the hospital. She told him she lost the baby.

To be honest, I don't recall his reaction. All I could think about is why he would let her drive herself, in the dark of night, at 2am....who knows....her car could have broken down, she could have run off the road...so many things that "could have" happened, but thankfully didn't ran through my mind. Why didn't he go??? Because they had a fight earlier and he was still mad.... He isn't a real man to me, boltnrun....a real man puts someone's else's welfare above their own and doesn't let his girlfriend drive alone at night, bleeding and having cramps, just because he is mad. No excuse for that kind of behavior. Some of you may disagree. That's fine. But I lost all respect for him that night.

 

And now....she's pregnant again and she tells me he is not happy and threatens to go back home to live with his parents because he didn't want anymore children.

So, there you have it.

[abitbroken]

He isn't a real man to me, boltnrun....a real man puts someone's else's welfare above their own and doesn't let his girlfriend drive alone at night, bleeding and having cramps, just because he is mad. No excuse for that kind of behavior. Some of you may disagree. That's fine. But I lost all respect for him that night.

 

where was your ex who i thought i read they live with? Why didn't he drive her?

Have you also considered that her boyfriend is setting boundaries? He was clear he would have zero to do with a child. And he means it. maybe she is always overly dramatic and he can't tell fact from fiction and wasn't aware she was actually bleeding. Honestly, i do agree he or your ex or someone in the household should have driven her, but she also needs to get the message loud and clear that this guy isn't with her for the long haul, was clear he can't support another child, or her. She needs to learn that quickly whether she stays with him and actually agrees with her actions or finds a man who wants more kids

 

And now....she's pregnant again and she tells me he is not happy and threatens to go back home to live with his parents because he didn't want anymore children.

So, there you have it.

 

Why on earth isn't she on some form of birth control? maybe she has abandonment issues and is purposefully trying to get pregnant (poking holes in condoms, telling him she is on the pill when she isn't) and feels he won't leave if she is pregnant. Maybe its time to have a visit with daughter - have her come to spend the night or something and have your ex watch his grandkid. Its like she needs an intervention. if a guy doesn't want another kid, maybe she should be with someone who does.

[abitbroken]

And now....she's pregnant again and she tells me he is not happy and threatens to go back home to live with his parents because he didn't want anymore children.

 

what did she honestly expect? She is either sabotaging her birth control or both of them are complete idiots..i am not sure. She should let him go. File for child support if the pregnancy reaches term , etc, or have him sign his rights off if that's what they both want.

[Sweet Sue]

MurphyB......No, the "Bank of Grandmother", is closed. She goes to the "Bank of Dad" for almost everything. And what makes me so mad is that, he does it and not only that, he helps her boyfriend too when he needs money for something. My ex is in his late 60's and in poor health. I don't think he will live much longer. I'd like to see him live long enough to see his grandchildren grow up, but highly unlikely. Maybe he feels guilt about something....who knows, but I'd rather he try to talk to her about life and men...acting responsibly...all the things we talked about when we were dating. Very sad.

[Sweet Sue]

Abitbroken.....he dad was home but sick. Yes, all of them live with him in a house he rents. Setting boundaries..her boyfriend? Yes, I am unclear why she got pregnant if he was so adamant about having no more children. She's been pregnant 3 times. In every case she tells me, the condom must have malfunctioned. She had always wanted another child and I think she didn't care if she got pregnant. I think it was deliberate...but who know for sure.

So hard to talk about all this, it makes me sad for the children....

[abitbroken]

Abitbroken.....he dad was home but sick. Yes, all of them live with him in a house he rents. Setting boundaries..her boyfriend? Yes, I am unclear why she got pregnant if he was so adamant about having no more children. She's been pregnant 3 times. In every case she tells me, the condom must have malfunctioned. She had always wanted another child and I think she didn't care if she got pregnant. I think it was deliberate...but who know for sure.

So hard to talk about all this, it makes me sad for the children....

 

Sounds like she sabotaged it. Unless its being used a second time or one with no lubrication. condoms rarely, rarely break. She also needs a wake up call. In a way, i hope he also learns his lesson and stops having sex with her/leaves. If there is a child, then he will either stay out of obligation or leave them both behind. What kind of parenting environment was it where she is this manipulative as an adult or her self worth is so poor.

[Wiseman2]

Why allow it to make you mad? If you want a relationship with your daughter/grandchild, you'll have to let go of all the hateful judgement and accusations and telling anyone who should/should not try to have kids. What the heck? Be a mother not a hater.

She goes to the "Bank of Dad" for almost everything. And what makes me so mad is that, he does it and not only that, he helps her boyfriend too when he needs money for something.

[Sweet Sue]

On a positive note... today I am happy to let you know that my daughter got a good report from the doctor! They did genetic testing and there were no signs of any kind of abnormalities, cystic fibrosis, down's syndrome etc...so, we are so relieved that everything looks good and the baby is very active and healthy, and she is doing very well despite all the physical challenges she lives with.

Now, back to the problem at hand, it's hard for me to say where it all went wrong. I stayed home to raise her. She was a very happy baby! When she turned 21 months old, she got sick, very sick and ran a high fever. When she recovered, she was different. Her personality had changed. She went from being affectionate and happy, to strong-willed and started having major temper tantrums. I called her pediatrician and told him all of this. He simply told me it was the "terrible twos", and she would out grow it. As I was trained and educated in the field of psychology and education, I knew a little bit about how to handle situations like this. My husband, had a different approach to her misbehavior and so all throughout our marriage, we were constantly at odds as to how to discipline her went she disrespected or disobeyed. I was more of a disciplinarian and he was the one to give in to her demands because he couldn't stand her temper tantrums. Moving along.... I don't think her parenting environment was a healthy one. How can it be when you are not on the same page? When we got divorced he insisted of having custody of her, even though we took turns, alternating weekends, but still...at my home I had rules and set boundaries., while at his home, he didn't insist on boundaries and let alot of things slide. It took several years, but one day he said to me, "you were right...it is important to set boundaries and lay down the law sometimes...but I don't know if it's too late now." Imagine my surprise when he said that to me! But I told him, it wasn't too late and today was the best time to start. Well, I really can't saw what happened there and he remarried shortly after our divorce which really sent my daughter into orbit! She ruined that relationship as well and she left him after 3 three years but it took 6 more years before they officially divorced.

I don't know...deep down inside, I really do love her and I know she loves me too. How well do well really understand the psychology of the human brain? Is is nature of nurture? How come some children born to abusive parents turn out to be happy, law abiding citizens, while law abiding, well adjusted parents turn out dysfunctional children in spite of all the hard work and good examples they set? I don't think we were the that good of parents to be honest. I found parenting to be so difficult and trying at times that I would find myself crying myself to sleep and in therapy most of the time. I couldn't get my husband interested enough to go with me and when I had to drag him there, he always made some kind of excuse why he wouldn't go back.

I look back over the years and now I see a grown woman who is smart, has a good heart (she really does), witty, and a good citizen. At the same time, I see a woman who has never fully matured, has no impulse control, a little bit of a potty mouth, lacks motivation, and makes very poor life decisions about men and relationships. I feel so bad for her and really feel I let her down...I failed her. And now, she is bringing a new life into the world with a man who disrespects her and is not happy about it. So sad....that's about it. Thank you for letting me share....your thoughts and insights are more helpful than you know. Love you all!

[abitbroken]

Well --- if dad gave into her every demand, there you go. And she did have to deal with being shuttled around between the two of you, so she learned to play the game. She is still expecting everyone to give in and she treats her boyfriend the same way.