Thinking about proposing without a ring.

[Pretzel]

Congrats! I couldn't read all the replies but there's a lot of good stuff here! I don't know if I'm adding anything by saying this. But do not think of the ring as 'buying her'. That's not what it is. It's buying her a piece of jewellery that will become a symbol of that special moment.

I love jewellery personally and often have to resist buying it for myself. It sounds so much cooler to say someone special got it for you. Shouldn't be any different with e-rings. I love pretty rings for shallow reasons and what better excuse to say i am wearing it than it has a deeper meaning attached to it too.

 

It's a bit risky to go no ring, without talking about it first at the very least. Can you bring it up in a different context somehow and have an intellectual discussion about it and see how she reacts? I guess it may be less of a surprise though if it comes out too obvious.

[browneyedgirl36]

I didn't read all the replies either, so I'm going off just the original post and a few others.

 

My fiancee and I talked about the idea of marriage, just generally about a year into our relationship, and then again, a little more specifically, about about 4-5 months before the "proposal" (which wasn't, thankfully, a get-down-on-one-knee romantic comedy-type proposal -- I'm 46 years old, and that would have just felt silly). He's been married before (I haven't) and there was no engagement ring in his last marriage, and the wedding rings were very simple. He asked me, casually, what I thought of engagement rings. I told him, "I love the symbolism; it definitely means something to me. However, I would NEVER want someone to mortgage his life to get me one." I told him that I thought the six months' salary thing was beyond ridiculous, and that I wouldn't care if my engagement ring was a diamond at all -- that I'd prefer it to just be something pretty that was reflective of me and my taste (my taste is pretty simple -- not big or ostentatious). He already pretty much knew my taste, but he did ask me what my favorite stone was (garnet) and what color gold I prefer (rose). Fast forward to November, when we were out enjoying a picnic, something we've done a gazillion times before, and he gave me the ring and asked, in a very sweet -- but not sappy -- way. It wasn't a shock at all -- I assumed we'd get married someday, and we'd already talked about rings, and just generally stuff about marriage -- so I knew it would happen someday. I just didn't realize it would be that day. The ring he gave me is absolutely gorgeous, NOT a diamond (though it has tiny diamonds in the band with the garnet), and it's perfect for me. BONUS: He didn't have to sell his belongings, his DNA, and/or his children to get it for me. It was less than $1000.

 

Point of my story: I think most women would still want SOME sort of ring, as it does have a meaning to us, but...how about just asking her what she thinks? You seem like a non-traditional guy (that's not an insult -- I consider myself to be pretty non-traditional, too), and so asking her her thoughts on rings might be good. Worked for me. In this day and age, I don't think most proposals are all that unexpected anyway, so I don't think it would be a "spoiler" to let her know you're at least thinking about it. Just my thoughts.

 

Oh, and on the subject of "buying" someone with a ring...nahhhh. I've never met any woman who saw it that way (though I have met women who placed WAY too much importance on the ring, what it looked like, how big the diamond was, etc. - Yuck!). Most women see it as symbolic of a lifetime committment, though, which is what marriage is.

 

Anyway...interesting topic! I'll be curious to hear what you end up deciding.

[KantSleep]

"As to whether she wants a ring or would like one (not necessarily expect), she does." And there you have it. If my BF should ever propose, I am looking for a ring. I will not tell co-workers, friends and family that my BF does not believe in engagement rings. That ain't happening. No, no and no again. Would I be willing to help pay for it to save face if my BF felt the way you did. Yes, I would. I pay for half of everything now. But I wouldn't pay for the whole thing.

 

I wish you much happiness with your girl. You offer good advice here on the forum so now I will offer you some. She wants a ring so make sure she gets one.

[Ms Darcy]

BTW, I love how we talk about a $1,000 ring like it's not a lot of money

[abitbroken]

BTW, I love how we talk about a $1,000 ring like it's not a lot of money

 

It $150 ring works the same

[browneyedgirl36]

BTW, I love how we talk about a $1,000 ring like it's not a lot of money

 

I know! My fiancee actually told me how much mine cost -- around $850 -- and to me that's a lot. Then again, it's the most expensive piece of jewelry I've ever owned! My sister's ring, in contrast, was around $6K, which to me is outrageous, but not even nearly what some people spend! (I read a news story about a woman who was distraught because she left her $30K (!) engagement ring in an airport bathroom when she was washing her hands.

 

My wedding dress was $399 -- again, the most expensive piece of clothing I've ever bought in my life. Those "Say Yes to the Dress" shows, where the woman is trying on the dress and they tell her it's $5K...I'd have a heart attack!

[RainyCoast]

yeah these numbers give me vertigo.

[Applewhite]

I don't know that I agree that a woman would not be happy to be proposed to sans ring, BUT

 

I cannot imagine any woman being UNhappy about being proposed to WITH a ring.

 

So, if we employ better-safe-than-sorry parameters..

I would be happier to be proposed to without a ring. That way I don't have to ruin the moment by focusing on a ring especially if I dislike it (hey I'm going to wear it nonstop from now? I better like i

[Batya33]

I agree that it depends on what she wants and I haven't read this whole thread but is there a family ring? I think it's fine if it's what you both want. I definitely wanted an engagement ring and my husband definitely wanted me to have one. We shopped together, I told him what I wanted (which was a smaller stone than he wanted to get me) and he did a great job ;-). We didn't have great financial hardship though. People have different standards/values -I am not into spending money on expensive parties for bridal showers, or "gender reveal" (seems to be a new trend -to reveal the gender of the baby, another party) or over the top weddings - but that's just me and yes it's partly the principle of it.

 

Also you two should be on the same page about what it means to get married, all else equal.

 

Now I've read it. If she wants a ring I agree with withlove (or the person who posted that it's not about tradition -it's about her and what you two want as a couple -meaning if she wants an e-ring figure out what's more important to you - the principle you have about it (how long have you felt that way, etc) or what she wants -and sure you can ask her "why").

 

Also if you then buy her one because it's too awkward, all the questions from her friends who knew she wanted one, then there might be resentment surrounding it.

 

 

(When my parents got engaged in the 1950s, the trend was to get the guy a watch or engagement gift. I did buy my husband his wedding band and mine is from his family).

 

Congratulations on this next step in your relationship!!

[Jibralta]

In any case, my entire life I've always thought the whole "two to three months pay" rule was stupid, even offensive.

 

I agree.

 

Maybe just a gold band?

 

I can't wear diamonds, knowing what I do about the diamond trade.

[Applewhite]

Hate to derail but I am kind of ignorant on this. Can you share a link that sums it up nicely? I know I can google, but if you know of a particularly clear, simple explanation... or you can just type it?

[annie24]

Congrats j.man!! I'm happy to hear about this. I think it's fine to propose without a ring and then go to the jewelry store together to pick out out that she would like to wear. If she's going to wear this for the rest of her life and you're unsure of her style, then definitely go pick one out together after she says yes. good luck!!!

[Seraphim]

I have not read the other responses. Here is the way it happened with us. He asked me very impromptu so he had no ring. He was only 21 though. He saved 7 months for a ring that was $1200 but I LOVED it. He gave it to me on Christmas Eve that year.

 

The planning and the caring mean just as much as the item .

 

Congrats!

[Seraphim]

I agree.

 

Maybe just a gold band?

 

I can't wear diamonds, knowing what I do about the diamond trade.

You can buy non-conflict diamonds though . Here in Canada we do mine some of our own diamonds and sell them.

[Andrina]

Congrats on this new great step in your life. This is my second marriage with no actual proposal. We had discussions over time and then finally decided on a date. We went together to get a ring made for me with scrap gold and picked out a new stone. It was hard to see in the designed drawing, but when I got it, the setting was higher than I thought it would be and I couldn't wear it to work. My home was robbed and it was stolen. A few Christmases ago, my husband spent months designing another ring for me and surprised me, but let me pick out the stone. Unfortunately, his taste is opposite to mine, and I found it to be too gaudy, but didn't want to hurt his feelings. He said, "It is rather big. Did you want something smaller?" I said, "I can't wear it to work and wanted to enjoy looking at it every day instead of having it sit in a safe." Fortunately, I could exchange it within 30 days for one I love, and I did that.

 

If I were you, I'd have a lovely proposal in the setting you choose. Tell her you know how people can have really particular tastes about jewelry, and you want her to have a hand in picking it out because what she wants is important to you. Have an open discussion about budget, without making it known right away about your strong opinions about the subject. It's not all about you. Two people need to come up with a consensus they are both happy with. If she feels a strong sense of that in your mind, $1,000 is the limit and you'll be stewing if she thinks she'd be happy with $2,000, then the beautiful symbolism of your union, when she looks at the ring, won't be happening. If her expectations are reasonable, and you forego one vacation for your wishes, that's called putting another person ahead of yourself because you love her so much. Of course, when people are unreasonable, you further the discussion until you can come to a consensus. Check out a jewelry store ahead of time with lovely rings in your price range and take her there first. Tell her if she doesn't like any there, you two can continue the search.

 

Just as in Valentine's day. I know a guy who thought of it as forced commercialism and something he'd rather not partake in. While other women were receiving flowers, a card and candy, his woman felt horrible seeing this while she got zippo. It wasn't all about him. $10 wasn't much to make a positive difference in her life.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[happpybear]

Well congrats J man, for getting to this point where you feel that you have found someone with whom you would want to spend your life with! Ring or no ring, marriage or not, that's a huge deal!!

 

I get feeling ambivalent about the ring. It can be seen as an antiquated tradition. Marriage in general, really. I do think that the ring is more about the symbolism. I just got engaged recently, and I was ambivalent about the ring too, and tbh the whole traditional wedding ceremony in general really turns me off, and my fiancee too.

 

We talked about it and agreed that we both did want to get married, and that we both wanted me to have a e-ring. Because of the symbolism, I think. It's a visible reminder, and even though marriage is essentially just a piece of paper, I think the act of proposing and getting/being legally married gives a certain weight to your bond. I dunno if that makes sense, but I don't know how else to articulate it.

 

I told him that I didn't want a traditional wedding, nor a crazy ring. Honestly i'm a lazy-azz and don't want to have to plan too much (because I have seen my friends turn into stress-crazed monsters when they planned their weddings and I don't want that) so we are doing I cheaply and with only immediate family and close friends at a restaurant.

 

As for the proposal and ring, he knew that I am not a jewelry girl. And I told him that I don't like big rings, and prefer understated jewelry that won't impede my ability to put my hand in my pocket or rip out my hair or catch on my clothes etc. I also told him that I don't want nor require a diamond, platinum or gold, silver was fine and I preferred conflict free or alternative diamonds (there is a fake diamond that is made in a lab, looks like diamond but without all the slavery an conflict and is cheaper).

 

He got me a wedding set, the e ring is a solitaire, when he proposed he said you can wear the wedding band now instead of the e ring if you don't want to, and maybe just wear the e-ring for special occasions. I liked that idea

 

However, I wear the e-ring. There is something about wearing that ring, like I said, the symbolism. And you know what? I does impede my ability to put my hand in my pocket, and it does rip my hair and catches on my clothes. And it would be more practical if I wore the wedding band instead, but I love this ring. I love what it means to both of us, and I love this stage we are in, being engaged. I didn't think it would mean this much too me. And it's the same for him too, he likes that I wear the e-ring. And there have been times when I haven't worn it (took it off the put on hand Cream and forgot to put it bac on) and it's my fiancee that mentions that I don't have it one, and says that it's weird that he notices that and that it makes him feel odd to not see it on me. And it's a beautiful ring, gorgeous, to leave that in a box for special occasions only seems like...such a waste. So I wear it, and by doing that I have done a complete about-face on what I thought I wanted.

 

So, that's just my 2 cents. My point is that, you don't always realize ho important the ring/engagement will become, or how much meaning it might have until it actually happens. And if your girl does say that she wants that ring, then talk about what she wants, and do talk about the costs. I think that's important, it's an unsexy conversation but it's practical too and if this is someone you want to spend your life with then these sorts of real-life unsexy money convo's will be necessary as your life goes on, and too be able to say, hey I want to get you something you will love but within a certain price range due to practicality or whatever, is really important.

 

So good luck!! And I hope it all works out!!

[j.man]

Went ahead and discussed it. I won't be proposing with a ring, nor buying her one specifically for the occasion at a later date. Let her know I'd be more than willing to have her pick one out for her birthday or Christmas gift like I would any other piece of jewelry, even early, and if she wants to treat it as an e-ring, that'd be on her, but that it was important to me that the moment be strictly mutual. Also pitched the exchanging rings idea. We'll sort it out afterward. She might cash in on the birthday present offer but isn't sure either will be necessary. Mentioned she kinda likes the idea of buying herself one and it being hers no matter what. Said she half expected there not to be one for the proposal anyway.

 

I was raised by a single mother who happens to be both a bodybuilder and electrician. Raised me to respect women as equals, not as women. For better or worse (the worse typically translating into romance), I've always treated women as just that. This would be one of the most important moments of my life, and it's important to me that the mutuality is maintained for it. If she wouldn't get the very same amount of joy I would in agreeing to wed simply for the agreement itself, it would disturb me. I don't require a ring to be 100% happy about it, and thankfully it turns out she doesn't either.

 

Appreciate all the time and advice everyone put in here. Feel free to keep the discussion going for general purposes or to call me a stubborn idiot. And no judgment on folks who prefer the other way. Plenty of women who would love a ring just as much as a guy would love to give her one. Different strokes for different folks.

[Seraphim]

If you are both happy .

[itsallgrand]

This makes me happy. It makes me happy you found her. It makes me happy she gets how you'd be doing this just to make her happy, not because you want to, and that you aren't starting your marriage on that note. The ' if she wants it, just do it' note .

I think it's pretty romantic actually. You both think of the other.

[charity]

You're right of course and I'm glad ye're both happy. But....I don't know why I feel sad about that, not gonna lie.....I really want you to give her a ring

[journeynow]

Onward together, listening to each other and your own hearts. May your love and respect shine a light on your path.

[Silverbirch]

I've seen gorgeous Swarovski rings and I would love to have one. I like their classic style. Bow if a man couldn't be bothered buying at least a Swarovski, I would have concerns about other things. I know where people can buy rings, especially large diamond rings with certificates online much cheaper, but it's a secret I don't want to share.

 

I know you mentioned the ring is the principle, but if you wanted to propose with some kind of sparkly pretty ring, I recommend Swarovski. You can get a sparkly one for $120 ish.

 

ETA: ]

[Ms Darcy]

Most importantly, you spoke to her and agreed on how to move forward. Congrats!

 

I'm happy to see threads like this versus all kinds of threads from people saying marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, that it doesn't matter, that it's antiquated etc etc.

 

When you find a great person and have a peaceful family and married life together, there's almost nothing more meaningful in life.

[Snny]

Alright, congrats!!!! Way to go, j.man!

 

As for the ring talk and costs...

 

I was proposed without a ring, over the phone when my ex was away on Iraq tour. Him returning made a difference (he still did not give me a ring though).

 

My engagement ring cost below $300 (husband refuses to tell me where he got it, but my diamond is at least 14k). I didn't feel that it was sexist or degrading that I didn't have a say what engagement ring I got. It's a very simple, pretty ring that I love unlike those gaudy engagement rings I see women wear with MULTIPLE small diamonds. We picked our wedding bands together- be very careful who you talk to though and do your research beforehand because we came across a jeweler who did try to scam us.

My wedding band was $250. My husband and I were very poor while we dated for 10 years because of economic hardship. We lived with my parents when we both got married for a couple years because of my graduate school being affordable and close to home, and finally were able to find jobs and move out with our own place under a year ago.

[Cheetarah]

Hey j.man - Yes, she must be a pretty awesome lady to put up with you. Congrats!

 

Nevermind the fact that my marriage ended in divorce, but I was proposed to without a ring, and frankly I preferred it that way. We had some very inexpensive bands for the ceremony, but I gave mine to him. He put both on a chain together and wore them. It was a little more important to him than it was to me to have something more traditionally symbolic, hence wearing them on a chain. But not by much.

 

If I ever get married again, which is unlikely - I would prefer to ditch the ring exchange entirely, and no engagement rings. I'd kind of like a blending of the sands ceremony.

 

Anyhow, congrats again. Glad you two are on the same page.