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Everything posted by RainyCoast

  1. “As soon as something is represented it becomes an image of itself, semiotically richer but existentially impoverished, alienated, drawn out of itself and extenuated—a potential commodity.” — Hakim Bey
  2. I think I get both sides of the debate. Sort of. I've been a carer to close family several times. I had, and have, zero resentment for them because it was 100% not what they would've chosen for themselves or me had they ever had a choice at all. I don't regret what I did for them in the slightest, and in fact only wish I could've done more, and better. That said, man. I'm still not entirely back to being a whole person since the last time. To say that it was brutal and detrimental to me is a severe understatement. I did it for family, if not for them, for whom? If not me, who? There was a time when I wouldn't have written someone off as a partner due to them requiring extra assistance, provided it was a legitimate need rather than a vampiric personality (perhaps the MIL Cheryl describes has that personality type on top of her objectively unfavorable condition, and there is behavior that family resent, rather than resenting her actual disability). However, some time ago, I still had some capacity to assist people to a considerate degree. That's gone now, for real. One, I've been a carer to people with extreme need for assistance, in some other past personal relationships I've been a codependent caretaker, so I'm, uhh, done, and two, I occupationally assist people in multiple ways. There's no way I could assign myself as caretaker or caregiver to a partner these days. Not so much an emotional reservation I think, at least insofar as we're talking about disability without a problematic character type, just an honest statement of how much I can extend myself these days without ending up hospitalized myself, or how psychologically drained I'd get in no time. I think many people would be equally likely to exhaust themselves to extremes this way, even more so if marked codependency tendencies are present, as they often are. While one can partner up with a healthy person who ends up needing care later on, that's certainly not the same to me as choosing someone who needs the care now, and is only going to need more as time goes on. The only way I could personality pull it off is if them or I could afford long term outsourcing. In OP's case though, I'd urge him to leave now. There was a thread on here last time I was on that pissed me off to no end. Guy dated, married, and twice impregnated a woman whom he knew from the start had several serious conditions that rendered her a suffering ruin (one of those would've been enough to render most people the same), and here he was, twelve years later, complaining of her STILL not being a perky, energetic, functional joy. For twelve frikkin years he acted like a disabled person should've acted and functioned as if not one thing was objectively crushing her to rock bottom. Why not just date, marry, and impregnate an amputee, then complain she never goes running with you! If this is what Cheryl suggests by warning OP to realistically consider the extent to which an ill person's needs tend to grow, I totally get that. Don't be the guy who later complains she's not some other, healthy woman. In no way do I get people who chose an ill person, and then complain of not getting a healthy one. And yes, as Sherry points out, those are terribly detrimental to the disabled. OP's concern of hurting her by leaving is a true portrayal of how clueless people can be of a disabled person's experience (at his age, I can understand). It is cruel to stay with her while resenting her condition. I guarantee she feels every bit of his disappointment (he's already resenting her for not being "exciting" - he is disappointed in how boring a disabled person's life is. Until he accepts what they've had to accept, that they won't hike, party hard, work a challenging job, energetically entertain their children or even change their clothes, no, he shouldn't be staying with her)-- and she's young enough for this to leave a lasting influence on how she feels about and deals with her condition and relates to others, and she already has previous experience that requires a change in who and how she chooses to get involved with in order to not cause herself permanent discouragement in living and relating to self or others with her condition. If he's feeling big, perhaps volunteering to help the disabled would be a better introduction into the lives of disabled, given the number of other people assisting, gradual and moderate taking on of chores and exposure, and the chance to get an understanding of their experience without his personal needs and expectations obscuring it. This girl will likely have a painful personal journey learning to grow despite and through her limitations. I wouldn't personally want to be the person behind her lone eventual realization the tremendous task of nourishment, encouragement, and guiltless acceptance is most likely to be best undertaken by herself and a competent, compassionate professional or two. Life has a way of sending the right partner along when one learns to do without, and certainly a way of teaching one to stand alone when they would most desire to lean on.
  3. Tell us about the family members who manipulated the doctor. What might they have told the doctor and why?
  4. Wth?? Lol Yeah people might want to provide meaningful answers based on OP's particular feelings on something. It's also entirely new to me that 6 people giving their opinion means the subject is closed for further discussion lol, but great job contributing to making the thread pointless to remain open.
  5. This isn't a rhetorical question (clarifying because for whatever reason I have yet to see a poster answer it)- What would you gain by being in touch with him?
  6. How did you just "fast forward" from what you assumed was a temporary injury, to a chronic, debilitating condition 12 years later? You got engaged to her and fathered a child despite having seen her condition isn't temporary, and now you complain of an ill person doing nothing all day and how it's affecting you. What exactly did you think? That she would "snap out of it"? That she would "drop" her illness seeing how hard her partner works and how her child needs her? That she would see the light of how terrible it is for her to just "will" herself into such a useless state? Really, I don't understand what you expected, I can only assume when someone is gravely ill you take it as overreacting or choosing victimhood. Her other conditions aside, fibro alone is what it is, many patients can't have it well managed. I shudder to think of the nerve disorder. Perhaps the doctors aren't so much useless as they are running out of ways to tell you that this is life for a very ill person, and with a very ill person. If a pain clinic would revise her regime to help with her potential opiate abuse problem that would be one of your logical next steps. I bet she could use psychological support from a professional. Other than that, I think you'd all benefit more if you started looking into outside help instead of expecting her to pick up the slack, as you make it sound. Building toxicity and resentment for a person who can't function like a healthy individual isn't bettering the situation at all by the sounds of it.
  7. You've been introduced- and have seen her how many times?
  8. I have been thinking about you the other day, remembering that you too lost your parents at a young age. I relate to the question of how much death one can handle. I have buried my everyone, family and others. For me, what was helpful, in a weird way- but still helpful- was accepting it as part of the "meaning" in my life. I was there in the last moments for many of them, for some through the entire journey, so I felt like I was escorting them to the brink of life. Put that way, it's an honor. It shows a glimpse of reverence behind the loss, and for me, that makes the loss easier to integrate into my experience here. I know a history professor who told me about how Egyptian pharaohs were kept in close connection with death in this and that way, about death being part of their daily lives, and I think (don't quote me), rituals/rites they were subjected to in order to know death up close. It makes sense- who better to rule over life, than him who has seen it from its threshold? I don't know what special purpose your own many loses have for you, but you are inquisitive and open minded, with enough of a sunny disposition to not wither in the face of such challenges- and I think that may be what makes you "the right person" to be acquainted with transience. There's a profound wisdom to it I'm sure, that's being revealed to you because you have the capacity to bear such a "gift", if that makes sense. I'm truly sorry for the loss both you and SIL are experiencing. It takes something huge to bear them with love and compassion, and you possess it.
  9. i would see a doctor to rule out hormonal causes.
  10. All the religions had very strong views about talking to the dead. And so did Mrs. Cake. They held that it was sinful. Mrs. Cake held that it was only common courtesy. — Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
  11. “The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently, the modern poor are not pitied … but written off as trash. The twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for which a beggar is a reminder of nothing.” — John Berger
  12. “An image of thought called philosophy has been formed historically and it effectively stops people from thinking.” ― Gilles Deleuze, Dialogues II
  13. “It is always from the depths of its impotence that each power center draws its power, hence their extreme maliciousness, and vanity” ― Gilles Deleuze, A Thousand Plateaus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia
  14. “How many people today live in a language that is not their own? Or no longer, or not yet, even know their own and know poorly the major language that they are forced to serve? This is the problem of immigrants, and especially of their children, the problem of minorities, the problem of a minor literature but also a problem for all of us: how to tear a minor literature away from its own language, allowing it to challenge the language and making it follow a sober revolutionary path? How to become a nomad and an immigrant and a gypsy in relation to one’s own language? Kafka answers: steal the baby from its crib, walk the tight rope.” ― Gilles Deleuze, Kafka: Toward a Minor Literature
  15. Half of life is lost in charming others. The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others. Leave this play, you have played enough! -Rumi
  16. “A banker? Me?” “Yes, Mr. Lipwig.” “But I don’t know anything about running a bank!” “Good! No preconceived ideas.” “I’ve robbed banks!” “Capital! Just reverse your thinking,” said Lord Vetinari, beaming. “The money should be on the inside.” Terry Pratchett, Making Money
  17. No wonder we cannot appreciate the really central Kafka joke: that the horrific struggle to establish a human self results in a self whose humanity is inseparable from the horrific struggle. David Foster Wallace, Consider the Lobster and other essays
  18. Talk to a lawyer, and describe the family and relationship to a clinical social worker. Not a direct social worker (unless you're struggling financially and with housing, applying for benefits, or are just above the threshold of qualifying for them). If you're having trouble getting booked with a clinical social worker, describe your and the children's emotional distress and the painful family dynamic. Suggest you want advice on how to effectively navigate the family relationships (for example, how to prevent the children being triangled, and how to nautralize his position of power). As for what we can do for you, I think you'll get the most out of the forum if you can describe what keeps you from leaving this man. His threats, verbal aggression, and voluntary unemployment don't tip the scales in his favor, so why are you effectively intimidated? Are you financially dependent on him, unable to provide for yourself and children without him, suffer a debilitating illness...? When someone who isn't doing anything to uphold the marriage and family can convince you you're in their mercy despite carrying that responsibility by yourself, it is because they're appealing to an obstacle of your own, even an internal one. You're here because he is terrible for your children and yourself. So what stands in the way between that and loosing the arse?
  19. Well if you've been this overbearing for those five years together, I could see the guy craving alone time pretty seriously. In fairness, you provide very little context apart from saying you went hysterical and blew up his phone while he repeatedly expressed being drained (from your insistence on frequent texting too) and wanting some time to relax alone, So it's hardly a surprise if you're suspected of being pushy and clingy. His manner was certainly unpleasant and rude. he seems very annoyed with you- to the point I don't buy that this is a sudden, unexpected reaction of his after five years of bliss. Have you been seeing each other only every few weeks for the entire duration of the relationship, or is this new? He was at home you say, so not away for work, do you live a fair distance apart? Have you lived together at any point in the five years? Not lastly, has he always been dismissive and brusque? The question isn't why you can't talk to him all of a sudden after five years, but how the five years culminated in this. Maybe you've been too clingy, maybe you're a bad match, maybe he's always been a proper jerk whom you've always just hoped would turn into a great guy, At this point it's anyone's guess really. I don't know what people expect when they just leave out 99% of the relationship and vent about a single incident as if it had occurred in a vacuum. My limited advice would be to firstly stop calling him, assume the relationship over or just end it yourself if you can't get past this, and if you want to be supported through it, provide context so that people can give it some thought and deliberation that could actually help you. I understand you wrote this in affect, but please recognize what you receive when zooming in on a pixel is going to be skewed, myopic and perhaps useless. Neither hearing "sounds like you're clingy!", nor "what a jerk he is!" is likely entirely fair, true, balanced. You can get insightful input on here, and long term support. Just be willing to invest as much effort into the discourse as the respondents do.
  20. Your reading is probably passive. I find the easiest way to read actively is by what I call the three readings technique. I retain all the information I need this way. Firstly, set aside thirty minutes for whatever reading material you want to get through, comprehend, and retain. Get an erasable pencil, a highlighter, an empty piece of paper or a notebook. Read a section of the material quite quickly. Don't practice actual speed reading, that is useless. Read with a pace that's quick enough to discourage zoning out, but allows you to comprehend what you're reading just fine. Cover the text with your sheet of paper/notebook and try to summarize what you've read. Really try to remember everything, but don't spend too long trying to recollect something that disappeared into a cerebral black hole. If it ain't there, it ain't. Uncover your text and read through it again quite quickly, underlining wirh a pencil only the things you didn't remember in your summary. Cover the text again after reading it, try to summarize everything this time. Uncover and reread again, underlining with a highlighter the things you didn't remember. After reading, cover and summarize again. You'll probably remember everything this time. You can use the underlined things as cues for when you're going over the reading material again in the future. You can erase the pencil lines now if you want and only focus on the highlighted parts that were difficult to remember. If there were still things you forgot, you can write short notes in the margin or on post its. Write a micro, five sentence essay, or a humorous haiku if that helps you remember. I'm 34, always excelled academically, and it happens periodically that my memory/retention is so bad it scares me. It's been temporary every time so far, usually corresponded with exceptionally high stress levels.
  21. It is a great start to have arranged assistance in managing your physical health. Seeing as international worker's day is a holiday, you are in Europe apparently, possibly central. and are now fully insured. This means you get therapy for free with your doctor's referral. Your health certainly isn't helping your situation, and needs to be tended to, but managing your physical condition will not miraculously cure your procrastination. This appointment is the best opportunity to get assistance from someone who can help you overcome your avoidance. Your mom is struggling with two mouths to feed on her own, and nobody knows how long she'll be able to do that for. We have a way of receiving the lessons we need on the very paths we take to avoid them - consider that you can be forced into suddenly having to function like a responsible adult, or you can avoid the stress of such necessity by willingly working towards that level of independence and functionality. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of self-deception that a good diet and thyroid meds will clear up the psychological resistance to take control of your life, but use this little personal victory as encouragement and reminder that you've decided on a new direction, and are using everything at your disposal to remove all self-imposed obstacles out of the way.
  22. When I hear someone has passed, I ask my deceased mother, friends, and family to welcome them. My sincere condolences. Hugs to you and your little girl.
  23. I just misread someone's username as "Streptococcus".
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