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Everything posted by Snny

  1. Some food for thought: most people change every 5 years - especially when they start going to college @ 18-22+ years of age. It’s a completely different ballgame in college compared to high school. You are at the age of forging new friendships/relationships and leaving the high school crowd behind. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 years old and we are both very different people now (in our mid-late 30’s) than how we started. In fact we even broke up to date others and explore other opportunities because somewhere along the line (4 year dating in) our priorities changed. Our story of getting back together and marrying happens rarely. The changes in priorities and lifestyle are why some people don’t stay together for long. Some people even divorce after being married to someone for 20 years because one spouse’s priorities changed. You either learn to be flexible and accept the changes (or change with them willingly), or decide they are dealbreakers. To be honest here, alcoholism is a massive dealbreaker for serious relationships… I would not settle for it. Trying to change your boyfriend - who is enjoying college life the way he sees fit for himself - will only backfire on you. It’s hard to say if he’s doing this because he’s enjoying the freedoms now and is “getting it out of his system” before preparing to settle for the adult world, or if he will stay a party boy and wind up becoming an alcoholic- so it wouldn’t be plausible advice to stick around and wait for him to “grow up” from the phase he’s in now. I’ve seen people like him end up on those mentioned separate paths. Just know that you chose to enroll in college athletics and accepted the guidelines for the program - he doesn’t have to do the same because you are doing it.
  2. “My ultimate question is this. Given my situation, should I even consider staying with her?” I only got to the second paragraph of your post and was like “aw Hell no.” There is nothing about her that says that she is wife material. She needs a therapist, not a husband to fix her issues. If she is that messy now, can you imagine staying with her for another 2 years? 5 years? 20? People don’t change or kick their bad habits when they get married… this is who she is and until she gets professional help, it will only get worse.
  3. I’m a one and done and had a very horrible pregnancy. I personally like having only one kid because I can has some time to focus on myself while still being Mom, save a ton of money on daycare cost/extra curricular activities / college expenses / clothing/ travel… and save my sick leave! I hear from my colleagues with COVID going around of how many times they had to burn all their sick leave because one or both of their children have to be put under quarantine. I’ve also invested in personal training and dropped over 30 lbs in one year… no way am I gaining it back by getting pregnant. as for siblings, my sister and I never got along. We barely have spoken to each other in over a year. My parents had the same mindset of feeling like they “owed” me a sibling and it backfired, especially when they played favorites. And sibling rivalry apparently runs in the family that I really don’t want a second child and have to deal with that drama. just my two cents. One child can be worth having a peace of mind and extra money in your pocket to do many great things.
  4. Honestly, 5 months is too soon. I had natural delivery and it took 10 months after having a baby for sex to not be so painful. I was also battling postpartum depression. I wouldn’t push it yet. Listen to your wife and her needs. Sex is a mutual thing.
  5. I think deciding on a kid around 26 is still too young. Most people around that age are just settling in with their careers and adult life beyond college. I was fine without having kids until I was close to 35. I have one and love her, but dealing with the terrible toddler age now… omg I miss my old pre-parenting lifestyle (COVID quarantine has made parenting worse with absolutely no breaks, date night out, or vacation). Kids/no kids are a dealbreaker in relationships. It’s funny how when you both agreed to split that he starts backpedaling about wanting to be Child-Free. Do NOT listen to any of that: he’s in the state of fear of losing you, which is a natural reaction to a breakup.
  6. Dating/being married to someone with ADHD takes a lot of patience. There is no cure for it and treatment in the beginning is experimental, trial-and-error. If he has to take medication, the effects don’t normally kick in until after 2-3 months with most prescriptions…. And he may need to switch around different prescriptions. What works for one individual with ADHD may not work for your fiancé. So even if he goes to gets resources to help manage his ADHD better now, that will take even more time… and there’s no telling how soon changes will happen. For me - a person with ADHD - it took me a year to find the right treatment. You are in for a ride if you plan to marry him, and honestly… it sounds like you are looking for a way out but are too afraid to be alone. I’m not sure why as (according to you), he’s not in a position to be very dependable. Everything that has been written about him all points to your unhappiness with this guy. 14 years is a long time to be with someone… if you aren’t happy being with him now, marriage will not resolve it. There are so many posts here about being being with their spouse for 15 years before deciding to divorce. You mentioned about wanting to go to graduate school. Do it before getting married. You might find a classmate to hook up with depending on what field you go into. I made the mistake of getting married while in graduate school, and it was Hell on Wheels. You have no social life for a few years while in grad school. That’s my 2 cents.
  7. Some things I noticed. 1. There should be no promise of “a bigger wedding in the future.” You guys get only ONE wedding day. The bigger party can be a vow renewal, but that’s years down the line. Second weddings tend to be seen as gift grabby. 2. Who is prepping the meals? Are you doing it all or having family members help out? 3. BOUNDARIES! You and your fiancé must be on the same page together about having people visit/stay at the house. Marriage is about compromise and making decisions as a unit. It is time to work in this as it will NOT get better (especially when children are in the picture). Setting boundaries now sets the tone of your entire relationship with other family members. 4. Start telling people NO and mean it. If you don’t want something at your wedding, speak up. Don’t let others treat you like a doormat. Your wedding should NEVER be a “Shut Up or Put Up” situation. People tend to get carried away with wedding planning, but it is up to you to set clear boundaries.
  8. “The United States is so cruel to their immigrants.... We're still under trump policies. We've never been this brutal to our immigrants. They're separating families.” My husband and some of his family members who have come to the US were never treated “cruelly” or were “separated.” They came here legally through the process, learned to speak English, studied hard in school to get into good internships through the medical programs, paid their loans back and got their citizenships. The only time my husband got in trouble with the police was over a speeding violation. He did not get assaulted or arrested by the police for having the “wrong” skin color or that he had an accent. He deserved the ticket because he broke the law. Please stop spreading misinformation with this fear mongering. Also, political posts are against the rules here.
  9. I married an immigrant who went through the citizenship process a couple years ago I am not sure where some people are getting the idea that marrying a US citizen means instant citizenship into the country. Nowadays that is FALSE. Your sister WILL be interviewed by Homeland Security and be asked specific questions as to how long she has met the applicant, dated him, etc. And her deadbeat husband to be better have a CLEAN criminal record and coming to the country with a trade. My husband and I were married for four years when he applied, but I had dated him for 10 years prior to our marriage and was able to prove it. Even on the citizenship application it mentions about being married for at least three years before being considered for citizenship so that it is not a sham marriage to help get citizenship. Homeland Security cracks down on this stuff pretty hard.
  10. I would toss adoption out. Most adoption centers DO NOT adopt children out to couples who are 40+. I’ve known people who have tried but were denied because of their age. They don’t want foster parents who are aging/retiring soon and cannot afford to support children. You also mentioned not wanting kids because it’s expensive. Just wait until you see how much it costs to go through adoption. It is much more expensive to go through adoption with the fees, evaluations, and inspections. Sorry, but a biological child is the only way.
  11. “I had to work in a porn complaint department, and I've seen every horrid type of child porn and human trafficking cases you can imagine. This hardened my views on porn significantly. Please don't tell me its normal and healthy, because I still have nightmares 20 years later.” So what exactly are you looking for here? The mentioned stuff is ILLEGAL - users possessing those should be prosecuted. But pornographic images between consenting adults is completely different. And if you have nightmares about viewing this material then you definitely should seek help. Personally I would snap if I was forced to watch something like those. ”He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.” if I ever caught my husband doing that online behind my back, I would file for divorce without hesitation. Going on dating sites? Hell no, That’s grounds for cheating. I had an ex boyfriend sign up for a dating website and was cheating (he tried to play the “I’m just curious” BS line too like the creep that he was). I agree there’s a bigger problem than the porn. It does sound like your husband is looking for a way out and can’t say it to your face. If marriage counseling doesn’t work... either go to a different counselor or call it off. But for me, my husband cheating on me would be the final straw.
  12. I have been in the same situation before. Loved 3 hours away. What made me move on was that my boyfriend didn’t have a direction and just drifted in school. I was on my final year of graduation and wanted an adult relationship with someone who was about to be financially ready. The guys I dated did not seem to be the kind of people I wanted to settle for. Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend realized he had majorly F-ed up by losing me and by taking school seriously - he changed his tune by transferring into med school and became a registered ER Nurse. We reconnected at a mutual friends party. Got married after 10 years of dating due to the distance of school/careers I’m not saying the same will or will not we happen to you. What mattered was making a solid game plan of moving out of a LDR. If you all don’t have any plans to move closer, then make a clean break from this relationship. I agree with Lost that it is not fair to the guy you are seeing to jump back and worth - have a one night stand and then be together with another man.
  13. Not sure how it’s like in your area, but I had to be on waiting lists for a few MONTHS before moving my daughter to a different daycare. A month is too short.
  14. If you consider adoption, I would get on it now. It is a very lengthy process, and many adoption centers will not adopt children out to couples who are 40+ years old. The longer you wait, the more difficulty you will have at adopting. Apply for it as you get a second dmedical opinion. ”And at your age, it is a challenge to have kids even with two otherwise healthy people. So there is also that to consider. “ Unfortunately Lambert is correct. Children who are born from women over the age of 35 have a high risk of developing significant developmental disabilities such as autism. Doesn’t always happen and some women get lucky, but the risks is there. You would also be a high risk pregnancy too which is no fun (expect C-section birth).
  15. He... FORCED you? How do? By putting a gun to your head? Doubt it. That decision is on you. If you are having a lot of anxiety in regards to entering a relationship I agree with seeking some counseling. It’s time to overcome this issue.
  16. “You can't invite a few of the relatives and not others.” IF a relative physically threatens the bride/groom, then yes the couple has a right NOT to invite them. That’s the only exception because it is a safety concern. I had a drink aunt who was very volatile at my own wedding, created a scene in front of all my friends and family, and she had to be removed by security and escorted back to her hotel room. Looking back, she should of never been invited (my parents who helped pay for my wedding pressured me to invite her... which was a massive mistake). “as for not including kids, you will have upset there too. People can't always afford babysitters and with Covid, no one is wanting extra people in their house. Feelings will be hurt too with their little ones being left out.” That is not the OP’s problem. And as a parent I would set an example for my children that sometimes we don’t always get invited to everyone’s party and to handle disappointment with grace. THAT is the parent’s responsibility. It’s hers/groom’s party and their day; a once in a lifetime party that they pay thousands for and planed several months/years in advance. Yes, she may have guests turning down the invitation because of childcare concerns, but it is ultimately hers and the groom’s decision that should be respected. Having a child-free weddings does not break etiquette rules. Formal celebrations like weddings are not normally a kid-friendly celebration anyway - especially NOT for a four year old. If you invite kids, cool. If you don’t, that is fine too. Unfortunately you can’t please everybody with wedding planning, but as long as you are a proper host who treats their guests well then that’s what matters in the end.
  17. Also, you and your fiancé have the right to request a child-free wedding. It’s your day and guests should respect that. I’m a mom of a 2 year old and I would be THRILLED to go to a wedding without my kid (and if I can’t find a sitter, I just simply don’t go). Crazy woman was using her kid to get under your skin. I feel sorry for her child to have a mother like that.
  18. I would hire security for the wedding/reception even if she is not invited. Let it be their job to enforce who arrives or stays out/kicks out. Don't rely on family/friends to take care of unruly/unwanted guests for you because it ruins their experience at YOUR wedding. It will cost money, but the price for maintaining a stress-free day and sanity is worth it. After that attempt of assault, her wedding invitation is out the window. She has a criminal history of being violent and already displayed aggression, no thanks. Never, ever invite a person to a wedding who threatens you or your fiancé/husband. It will be a tough battle, but now is the time to set the tone in your impeding marriage that abuse/violence is not, nor ever tolerated. And I would make sure your fiancé is 120% on board with it - even if it means cutting out a family member who is violent. Ultimately it is your husband's decision on how he handles family. But like everyone else mentioned, once you marry a spouse, his family is the package deal. Even at a distance, they will push boundaries (I know this as my husband's family lives outside the country and has tried a few times doing so when we had a kid). Now is the time to decide if marrying this man is worth it. He better have a strong backbone when handling family or you might well be on your way to separating.
  19. Uh... you would choose some internet stranger you barely know over your current boyfriend? This should be a no brainer. Check your priorities.
  20. I will go against the grain here: After clicking on her most recent profile picture, I seen he had commented “beautiful 🌹” I asked him why would he tell another woman she was beautiful while in a relationship? After telling him how hurt I was, I reminded him how my ex cheated on me by starting little flirty comments that turned into more. He said he wouldn’t ever do it again. If I were the boyfriend I would dump someone who’s like this for two reasons: Telling someone is “beautiful” is complimenting, not flirting. There are tons of women out there who will be prettier than you (and me). And men (single, dating, engaged or married) are going to LOOK. Does that greatly bother you? Then it’s your insecurity that’s the problem. And two... comparing your EX to your current boyfriend is a NASTY blow. You didn’t handle the first instance very well and it cost your boyfriend’s trust. His “perfection” comment and follow up comment though was out of line. Saying someone is beautiful, fine... “Perfection,” crosses the line and makes you feel very unattractive to him. That was a really stupid comment to say while in a relationship. Unfortunately his behavior (lying) is a result of how overreactive you were on a small, innocent comment. Since you all now have mistrust issues, do not be surprised that this relationship will end because he will eventually resent you being “controlling” or “insecure” (even if he decided to deactivate his social media accounts on). But seriously, I wouldn’t hold the first instance against him. Personally I would apologize for overreacting to the compliment comment if I were you. And he should sincerely apologize for the perfection comment. That’s the only way to get past this and move on.
  21. One thing to be aware: online BMI calculators are very inaccurate. They don’t consider muscle mass in. My trainer is the same height as me and has high muscle definition in her body. She works out and boxes, but some BMI readings say she is overweight. Get a real reading from a doctor/nutritionist with better tools.
  22. I’m on the same bandwagon of dumping your guy. You don’t need anymore toxicity. Unless he has your BMI measurements and is your nutritionist or doctor, he has no business calling you fat. He can F off. Out of curiosity what is your height? I would kill to be 145 lbs. Losing weight takes a lot of factors and work. Focus on what you can control: watching what you eat and exercise. It took me 3 and a half months when I first started WITH a personal trainer to lose 8 lbs and that was because I was building muscle from weight training and it caused me to eat more. It takes your body awhile to adjust to the new physical demand. My trainer is also a nutritionist and we calculated my Macros which helped tremendously. If you are terribly concern, I strongly suggest looking into a nutritionist or your doctor to help you calculate your macros (carb, fat, and protein intake). Do not give up on working out.
  23. Snny


    Doubt so. DC has a law that requires non-residents to get COVID tested within 73 hours prior to entering the city
  24. Snny


    I miss The old DC. I lived right outside of it before moving further away and went there there every weekend to unwind. Just a 15 min drive. Whether it was a bar crawl, cupcake cafe around Georgetown, a Caps/Wizards game, a late-night cult movie viewing on E Street, the Wharf fishing market, or any special events - folk fest, cherry blossom, concerts, runs, etc. But since we had riots last year (way before the recent one), it is not the same. I got a buddy who is a firefighter in DC who warned me to avoid the city if possible. Sucks I really want to take my daughter to her first zoo at the National zoo.
  25. Snny


    Long time. I live and work near there. It’s devastating.
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