The woman I have been talking to for years finally told me the truth

[HybridSymbiote]

I am so out of it and I have no clue what to do. When me and this woman first met, she told me she was 19. We have been talking for 6 years. As it turns out, she wasn't really 19 like she told me when we first met and now she's 33. I am 21.

I asked her if she missed her late partner and she told me "occasionally". She also told me about how she met her late partner at college orientation. They were in the same freshman seminar class, had the same major, had a very similar schedule, and were in the same dorm. These things that they had in common made the idea of them dating each other feel very natural. Her late partner had eventually moved to a dorm across campus so they would alternate between whose dorm they hung out in every week. Eventually during her second year of college, in October on the Wednesday before Halloween, they were going to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown at her late partner's dorm. Watching that film was a favorite holiday tradition of hers. She went to work first and after she got back on campus, she discovered that her late partner had a full psychotic break in the parking lot. After that, they got withdrawn from school and got institutionalized. During the time they were institutionalized, they lost the will to live, stopped eating, stopped getting out of bed, and eventually passed shortly after school was out in May of the following semester. She had been feeling awful about it for a few years and still struggles to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown to this day.

I really feel guilty about the idea of us being together because it almost feels as if I might be replacing the person. But I also feel quite jealous, like there was a special chemistry that existed that would never exist between us. I also feel betrayed because of the fact that she lied to me about her age for so long. She only fessed up when I noticed the discrepancies regarding when she told me she was in college and how old she had to be then based on the age she told me she was. I am so confused and I have no idea what to do.

[LootieTootie]

So she was talking to you when you were just 15 and she was 26?

Isn't that weird to you?

[ShySoul]

First off, age is just a number that indicates when we were born. It doesn't say anything about us, our personality or our level of maturity. Some people at 15 are more mature then others at 45. The age gap doesn't have to mean anything if the two of you don't want it to. 

My brother once had a relationship with someone ten years younger then him. She was 15-18 while they were together. She was very mature for her age, both in terms of looking older then her age and that she was already taking college classes. She came from a very open-minded, liberal background. So her speaking to someone that young also doesn't have to indicate there is something wrong. It could just be a matter that you clicked well and she was embarrased by it, scared that she might chase you off because you would find it weird or uncomfortable.

That she lied about is a problem though. Have you talked with her on why she did? If not, you need to do so. I'm guessing it started off innocent, but became harder and harder to say anything as time went on. Once you start a lie, you often end up having to keep the lie going because it's more difficult to extract yourself from the situation. Though if anything is going to happen long term, you need honesty and she needs to come clean.

As for the other guy, every relationship is different. Every relationship is unique and special in its own way. You would not be a replacement, it would be an entirely new situation for both of you. Yes, they had a special chemisty that won't exist between the two of you. But you also have a special chemistry with her that she didn't have with him. If you're uncomfortable with this, talk to her about it. That's what friends do. That's what couples do. They talk about how they are feeling. But remember, it's not about what relationship she had with someone in the past. It's about the relationship she is choosing to have now, in this moment.

[LootieTootie]

I agree with everything you said ShySoul. However I think a grown woman talking to a teenage boy for this long and finally confessing her age, is a big red flag. 

It sounds like they haven't met but just been talking, and she talks a lot about her ex. Yikes and yikes

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

So she was talking to you when you were just 15 and she was 26?

Isn't that weird to you?

Not to mention, very morally bad since its considered “grooming”. Which isnt punishable by law but still considered very bad. I mean, imagine somebody influencing your kid when they are minor so they could start dating them when they are adult age. 

[HybridSymbiote]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

So she was talking to you when you were just 15 and she was 26?

Isn't that weird to you?

I mean, I certainly found that to be an alarming detail and I am still in disbelief about it. But at the same time I've grown attached to her.

[HybridSymbiote]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

First off, age is just a number that indicates when we were born. It doesn't say anything about us, our personality or our level of maturity.

It could just be a matter that you clicked well and she was embarrased by it, scared that she might chase you off because you would find it weird or uncomfortable.

That she lied about is a problem though. Have you talked with her on why she did? If not, you need to do so. I'm guessing it started off innocent, but became harder and harder to say anything as time went on. Once you start a lie, you often end up having to keep the lie going because it's more difficult to extract yourself from the situation. Though if anything is going to happen long term, you need honesty and she needs to come clean.

I am not bothered by her age so much as I am bothered by the fact that she lied to me about it for so many years. She was only honest about it when I caught her in the lie. She did say that the reason why she lied about it was because she was afraid that her true age would scare me off. She also said that saying something about it got more difficult for her every day.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HybridSymbiote said:

.We have been talking for 6 years. As it turns out, she wasn't really 19 like she told me when we first met and now she's 33. I am 21. She was only honest about it when I caught her in the lie. She did say that the reason why she lied about it was because she was afraid that her true age would scare me off. 

How did you get to know each other? Have you met in person? How did you find out about the age discrepancy?  You've been talking for 6 years but have you ever interacted in person? 

She seems to have a lot of emotional problems and unfortunately leaned on you too much regarding her ex.  Do you consider this some sort of dating or just an online confidant?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, HybridSymbiote said:

I am not bothered by her age so much as I am bothered by the fact that she lied to me about it for so many years. She was only honest about it when I caught her in the lie. She did say that the reason why she lied about it was because she was afraid that her true age would scare me off. She also said that saying something about it got more difficult for her every day.

Of course doing the right thing can be very hard - people with basic character and integrity do the right thing even when it's hard.  She lacks those values with respect to you - and that's even more troubling since you were only 15 when she first lied. Assume most if not all of what she told you is a lie.  Assume she is a person who is unstable and justifies illegal predatory behavior towards children.  I'd stop all contact with her.

[MissCanuck]

Three is something wrong with a 27-year-old woman chatting up a 15-year-old boy on the internet. 

Sorry OP, but you need to stay away from this woman. She is bad news and seems emotionally unstable.

 

[smackie9]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Your world must feel it’s been turned upside down. You must feel so conflicted…this person has been a part of your life for 6 years and yet it turns out they are not the person you thought they are. What a gut punch. You know what you need to do, yet it’s very hard to think a life without them. This person robbed you 6 years of your life. A life that could have been full of friends, dates, fun and activities that teenagers enjoy. But it’s not too late. You can rise above the anguish and really start building your own life. It will feel strange at first, maybe for a couple of months but you will adjust and feel so free. Please end this relationship. 

[Coily]

Not only did she groom you, but she lied to you.

It's not the age gap, as much as it is when this all started. She by 27 should have known better than to lure you at 15 into this situation. You have had things turned up-side down for you on many levels.

You need to distance yourself from this creep, especially emotionally.

[HybridSymbiote]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you get to know each other? Have you met in person? How did you find out about the age discrepancy?  You've been talking for 6 years but have you ever interacted in person? 

She seems to have a lot of emotional problems and unfortunately leaned on you too much regarding her ex.  Do you consider this some sort of dating or just an online confidant?

We did meet each other online and have yet to meet in person, although she did plan on visiting me a while ago back when we were dating. I was the one who asked her about her late partner, so it probably wouldn't have come up if I didn't ask. I am basing this on the fact that this has been the first time she's ever talked about her late partner. I found out about the age discrepancy when she told me that if the time that had passed were a person then it would be almost of voting age. I told her that it did not make any sense (basing that on the age she would have to be based on how old she told me she was).

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, HybridSymbiote said:

We did meet each other online and have yet to meet in person, although she did plan on visiting me a while ago back 

Unfortunately you got caught up in a cyber situation. You haven't met and that's a good thing considering all the red flags from the age to the lies to the bizarre stories about her ex. Please try to sever yourself from this situation. She doesn't seem to add much to your life except online drama. Set yourself free to meet real people in real life who aren't catfish or storytellers. 

[TeeDee]

This woman is a liar with pedophile tendencies.  For all you know you have been talking to a 42 year old man.  

Cut off all contact.  

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, HybridSymbiote said:

I am not bothered by her age so much as I am bothered by the fact that she lied to me about it for so many years. She was only honest about it when I caught her in the lie. She did say that the reason why she lied about it was because she was afraid that her true age would scare me off. She also said that saying something about it got more difficult for her every day.

I just mentioned her age because I knew you were bound to get people saying that's inappropriate and telling you to forget her for that very reason. The point was to say that it doesn't have to be an issue depending on the people involved. 

The lie is the real sticking point here. It wasn't right and wasn't fair for you. But trying to put myself in her shoes, I can understand her reasoning. You see the instant reaction everyone here had - she is a creep who is manipulating and grooming you. It's entirely possible that was the reaction she thought you would have. And once you start with a lie, it becomes harder and harder to stop. Telling you the truth would lead you havig to decide if you were okay with her age, would hurt you from the lie, and risk ended a friendship. Perhaps she was just too scared to face all that. Doesn't make it any less wrong or sad, but I'm just trying to think of all possibilities before reaching a conculsion.

I'd look at the entire relationship. Has she said or done other things that you find questionable? Has she tried to pressure you in any way? Has she actually tried to scam you? When found out, did she try to cover more or is her explanation in line with what you know of her? You didn't even say if you were officially in a relationship with her or where exactly things stand in terms of romance. I gather you are at least considering it. When did those feelings start coming up, from either side? One moment or action doesn't define a person or a relationship. It's the pattern that counts. So look at the pattern and decide just how well you think you know each other.

I will agree though to not get too attached if you have not met in person. Having a friend online is fine. But don't get ahead of yourself and think there is a deep romance until you are physically around the person.

In the end, none of us know her or her motivations. All we can do is speculate. You are the one who actually knows her. So trust your instincts. If you can't take the lie, then stop things. But if you still believe you can continue talking with her, then do so. I'd be cautious, as someone who lies should understand they need to earn that trust back. The call is yours.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

This woman is a liar with pedophile tendencies.  For all you know you have been talking to a 42 year old man.  

Cut off all contact.  

Totally agree.  Stay safe. I'm sorry  you got caught up with this person who behaved so horribly and deceitfully especially to a minor.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

There is something wrong with a 27-year-old woman chatting up a 15-year-old boy on the internet

When I was 22 I chatted with a 14/15 year old girl online. We communicated on and off for four or five years. I never tried to hit on her or insinuate there could or should be anything between us. I just thought she was a remarkably mature, intelligent and fun person whose conversations I enjoyed. Was I being creepy or doing something wrong? 

I find it interesting how quick people are to label someone they don't know and haven't interacted with. Could she be a bad person who he should avoid? Sure. Could she be an okay person who made a really bad mistake? Sure. It's good to be careful and cautious, but why assume the worse of people. Not everyone is a predator with ulterior motives.

[yogacat]

She felt funny about telling you her real age when she first met you because you were a 15 year old kid and she was a twenty-something year old woman!

I feel that with the loss of her partner, she turned to someone younger and her trauma response to dealing with loss was to try and recreate what she lost. 

She justified her loss as a means to create intimacy over six years and I don't think that was fair to you. You were a child when you met her. She never gave you the chance to decide whether you were okay with it or not. At 15, you were technically not able to consent to anything.

But now you need to shelve her as a romantic option. She needed a good therapist, not a teenage boy.

For your sake, I hope that she was at least being forthcoming about her loss and not making it up to get closer to a fifteen-year-old boy. But that is something you will never have confirmation on. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, HybridSymbiote said:

We did meet each other online and have yet to meet in person,

What are the odds that someone who's never met you in person in 6 years will do so now? 

[HybridSymbiote]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

What are the odds that someone who's never met you in person in 6 years will do so now? 

Well, I would say that the main reason we have not met in person yet was because of me. Our communication has been on and off over the course of six years because of me. Initially when we first started dating she did plan to come and see me, but I ruined that because I stopped being with her due to my insecurities.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

When I was 22 I chatted with a 14/15 year old girl online.

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Was I being creepy

Frankly? Yes. 

2 hours ago, HybridSymbiote said:

when we first started dating

OP, you aren't dating this person. You don't even know her. Please, unlplug and step away from this. You have no idea if anything she has told you about herself is true even now. This is not healthy for you and you are wasting you youth on something that has essentially zero chance of turning out the way you hoped. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, HybridSymbiote said:

. Our communication has been on and off over the course of six years because of me. I ruined that because I stopped being with her due to my insecurities.

Please try to focus on these insecurities and what led you down this rabbit hole. You never dated and you never "ruined" anything. 

This situation is more of a symptom of other unaddressed issues. Perhaps you could get more involved in your own real life such as work, school, joining some groups and clubs, getting involved in sports and fitness, and broadening your social horizons. This way you can make real life friends having fun. 

It's certainly a more productive and interesting than listening to this catfish talk about  feeling awful about it for a few years and still struggles to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown to this day. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Frankly? Yes. 

OP, you aren't dating this person. You don't even know her. Please, unlplug and step away from this. You have no idea if anything she has told you about herself is true even now. This is not healthy for you and you are wasting you youth on something that has essentially zero chance of turning out the way you hoped. 

 

I agree with all of this.  It's by default inappropriate and typically creepy for an adult to go down this path with a teenager especially a younger teenager.  I would never ever allow my teenager to have that type of interaction.  Luckily he is transparent with us such that he would not communicate in this way with an adult.  He has plenty of opportunities to talk to older teens and young adults through us and through school, camp and activities and those individuals would never try to have that level of personal interaction without our knowledge or permission much less with an online stranger.  Please stay safe.

[Crawfords Wine]

15 hours ago, HybridSymbiote said:

.......when we were dating..

You are/were NOT dating, you've never even met this woman.

Aside from that rather important part, this lady lied to you about something pretty significant.
If the genders were reversed, there'd be outrage, and rightly so.

Case in point ⬇️

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

When I was 22 I chatted with a 14/15 year old girl online. Was I being creepy?

Yes, you most certainly were.